Do You Get Angry When Someone on a Boat Says “Left” Instead of “Port?” Sea of Thieves Is the Game for You

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

Video games have made it easier than ever to quell that longing for the sea that pulls at the collective heart of mankind. Whenever you experience that damp, drizzly November in your soul, you can jump right into The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag, or even indie fare like Spiritfarer. Any of these options will convince you that you can smell the salt in the air and feel the ocean breeze in your hair, but unfortunately, they are lacking in one key area: there’s no way of lording your knowledge of all things nautical over your friends. That’s where Sea of Thieves comes in.

Should you ever be athirst in the great American desert, try this experiment – look, it’s really important to me that you understand that I’ve read Moby Dick.

Crew up with your pals, and you’ll soon have the chance to correct them on the names of all the different parts of a boat – excuse me, of a ship. Whether you’re reciting mnemonics to help them remember which side is starboard while you’re taking fire from a hostile Skeleton Ship, or reminding them that they’re not, “on lookout,” but rather, “on watch in the crow’s nest,” during the doldrums between quest checkpoints, you will never run out of opportunities to impress your mateys.

Your buddies will love listening to you describe not only the in-game characteristics of the three types of sailable ships, but also the laughable semantic inaccuracies of their names. Learning to properly operate each kind of ship presents a challenging – but satisfying – learning curve. Making efficient use of a Galleon’s firepower to sink an enemy feels just as good as taking advantage of the Sloop’s superior maneuverability to take down a larger foe. But don’t worry – there will always be something for you to yell about, no matter how big or small your crew.

I mean, sure, technically, it’s a galleon. But I wouldn’t rig it like that.

As a seasoned sailor, you understand the importance of communication. You especially understand how important it is for everyone to listen to you, the smartest person on the boat. With both crew and proximity chat, you can be certain that your friends will hear all of your orders, as well as the scathing insults of the teenagers who just sunk your ship and killed all of you.

You’ll be ecstatic to learn that there aren’t any stat increases or gear buffs in Sea of Thieves, so your victories at sea will rely entirely on your seamanship. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t be concerned about your pirate wardrobe, as the varied and colorful attire will provide even more opportunities for you to chide your crewmates when they use the wrong name for your hat.

There’s no such thing as “boring” when you’re at sea. Constant vigilance is required, even when things seem downright peaceful. Someone should always have an eye on the horizon, and while they’re peering through that spyglass, why not teach them a little bit about the different types of masts on the ship? Surely that knowledge will come in handy when you spot a Sloop on the horizon and need to turn tail and speed away with your loot as quickly as possible.

Just be ready for your crewmates to remind you of a captain’s duty to go down with the ship.

Some might complain that Sea of Thieves relies too heavily on cooperative play, and that more development focus should go to players who want to sail the open ocean on their own. Not you. You understand that Poseidon is poor company, and that the last thing you want to be on a ship is lonely. Plus, if you played solo, you’d never get to tell anyone that the thing that sticks out of the front of the boat is called a bowsprit, and where’s the fun in that?

Sea of Thieves is the most fun you can have on a boat without passing basic seamanship, and with the game launching loads of new content and events to celebrate its fifth anniversary, there’s never been a better time to come aboard.

Sea of Thieves might be for you if…

  • You’ve been dying for a reason to put that old sailing merit badge to good use.
  • Getting better at a game is its own reward for you. Stat increases are for the weak.
  • You love co-op games that get a little hairy. It’s no fun if there’s no yelling.
  • Short hauls don’t do it for you. You prefer to settle in for longer gaming sessions.

It might not be for you if…

  • Losing hours of hard work in a few seconds would leave you low in the water.
  • Gaming is “you” time. You’re going to need to work with (and against) other people to survive the sea.
  • Yer just a landlubber at heart.

You can get Sea of Thieves on Xbox or PC now. It’s also available via Xbox/PC Game Pass. [lasso type=”table” id=”1″ link_id=”3798″]

HBO Announces Season Two of ‘The Last of Us’ Will Replace Joel with Mike

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Sources have confirmed that season two of HBO’s critically acclaimed The Last of Us will see the Joel character replaced by Mike Nelson.

“We know this may not sit well with all of our fans,” said Craig Mazin, co-creator of the HBO series based on the popular video game series. “But we feel that Mike’s cold cynicism is a better fit for the world of The Last of Us than Joel’s whimsical sense of humor and reliance on props. There’s an episode in season one where they walked by a theater that had Underworld on its marquee and we really missed a great opportunity to have them riff on it for a few minutes. We’re still learning the best way to do this show as we go.” 

“Plus Pedro [Pascal] played The Last of Us Part II to see what happened,” he continued. “And uh, he said he’s gonna focus on The Mandalorian for the time being.”

The unexpected announcement has created a vocal division among fans of The Last of Us.

“I don’t understand it at all, but I guess I’ll give it a chance,” said Matt Rodman, a local fan of the show and games. “I mean sure, it’s hard to imagine it with anyone else, but I’ve thought that about a lot of things before; Blink 182, Hannibal, my mom’s marriage. You end up getting used to it. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but I’ll probably always be more of a Joel guy.” 

As of press time, it was still unconfirmed whether or not season two of The Last of Us would cover the DLC that allowed players to meet Tom Servo. 

QTCinderella Should Consider Cutting JustaMinx Out Of The Streamer Awards And Inviting Me Instead

Posted on by Ryan Fleishman

The Streamer Awards held this Saturday ended with a fizzle, not a bang. According to QTCinderella, the $50,000 afterparty for the Streamer Awards was shut down due to streamer JustaMinx’s drunken antics violating the venue’s terms of contract. I cannot believe that JustaMinx would cause such trouble at the afterparty. I think it’s high time people stop inviting JustaMinx to these streamer parties and start inviting someone cool like, say, me instead.

As someone who does not stream, I am the perfect match for your streamer party. Unlike JustaMinx or some other streamer, I have almost no online presence, and therefore do not have the online clout to start drama or film inappropriate moments. Not only am I a casual drinker, but alcohol interferes with my antidepressants so I shouldn’t be drinking in the first place. 

Streamer xQc says that JustaMinx “just drank too much” at the Streamer Awards after party. In contrast, my friends say that I “love to be designated driver” and “make a great bean dip” when I go to parties.

JustaMinx is offering to pay the $50,000 invoice for the canceled Streamer Awards afterparty, which is very generous. However, I wouldn’t ruin the party in the first place because a $50,000 dollar payment would ruin my life financially. Instead of trashing the party, I’m down to help clean up afterwards because I am desperate for approval.

Reportedly, JustaMinx attempted to throw other streamers and multiple giant gas heaters into the party’s pool in the middle of the night. I would never throw anything into the pool. In fact, I am not able to throw heavy objects, due to my back surgery and history of herniated discs. I am extremely physically weak in general, which means that I could easily be removed from the party unlike known boxing extraordinaire JustaMinx. Hell, you may still need to call an ambulance like with JustaMinx, except this time it’s for my fragile, pathetic spine!

Did I mention I can juggle? I’m not talking about that pansy 3 ball shit. I’m handling 4, 5 balls at a time. These hands are magnets. I also have a personal card trick that I only do when I’m drunk – so I guess you’ll never see it.

Please invite me to your party. I am very lonely.

With Over 1,000 Pokémon, Game Freak Announces a Cull

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

KYOTO, Japan — During an impromptu Pokémon Presents on Tuesday, Game Freak announced that now there exists more than 1,000 Pokémon, it is going to start killing some of them off.

“After announcing we weren’t including every Pokémon in future games, people weren’t getting the message that we kinda just hate some of these fuckers,” said Tsunekazu Ishihara, President and CEO of the Pokémon Company. “Now there’s over 1000, and we’re all sick to our stomachs. It never should have gone this far. It’s time to start taking some of these guys out once and for all. And no, we can’t just ‘delete’ the Pokémon . We need to show you exactly what goes on when you make these kinds of complaints. You have forced our hand here.”

As opposed to the usual Pokémon Presents format, Ishihara gave the entire presentation standing in the middle of a dark room surrounded by the bodies of some lesser known Pokémon. A man in a black hood holding an executioner’s ax stood next to him, occasionally killing off a Pokémon here and there over the course of the video.

“I want anyone to look me in the eyes and say with a straight face they don’t want me to kill Sigilyph,” continued Ishihara, pressing a loaded gun to Sigilyph’s temple. “If any one person says that Sigilyph is their favorite Pokémon, then all I can say is I’m sorry we brought this madness into the world.”

Viewers around the world were confused at the drastic change in tone of this Pokémon Presents, with hopes for DLC or remake announcements being replaced with a lot of murder.

“I’m used to a little disappointment during a Pokémon Presents, but watching someone shoot Pineco felt weird,” said Michael Baker, a lifelong Pokémon fan. “That being said, they did say they were remaking Gold and Silver again, so that more than made up for it.”

The Pokémon Presents lasted for 20 minutes, ending with Ishihara getting on his knees and choking out a Sandshrew while the video slowly faded to black.

Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser Remains Secretive About Switch Follow-Up: “You Bastards Will Have to Kill Me”

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America, remained secretive about the company’s follow up to their massively successful Switch platform, insisting that gathered reporters would have to violently murder him before he disclosed any information, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh there are things I could tell you, plenty of things,” Bowser said during an impromptu press conference held this morning. “Of course we have a planned follow up to our seven year old hardware that’s been out of date for five of them. Of course we have a plan to stay relevant in a competitive gaming space. But that’s for me to take to my grave unless one of you journalist fucks woke up feeling like a man today. Frankly, one of you bastards will have to kill me.” 

“Come on,” he said, as he threw a large knife on the ground near the gathered press. “You can use this if you want. Come get your precious news story.” 

Reporters were shocked at the confrontational nature of Bowser, who’s generally exhibited a more favorable tone towards the media in the past. 

“Maybe we just asked him about the next Nintendo system one too many times,” said Tom Campbell, a reporter that’s been covering Nintendo for years. “Or maybe he has some other shit going on in his life, I don’t know. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might’ve got some bad news this morning or something, because it is absolutely shocking and out of character the way he spent an hour taunting and provoking us this morning. We expect this kind of thing from Activision, but not Nintendo!” 

As of press time, Doug Bowser had cut his hand open using a second knife and used his blood to paint a red “M” on his forehead before again challenging reporters to physical combat in exchange for information regarding a new Nintendo console. 

Is Vampire Survivors Insufficiently Goth? Try 20 Minutes Till Dawn

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I really want to know what the hell is going on in 20 Minutes Till Dawn.

As one of several women with vaguely supernatural powers, you’re dropped into an arena with an infinite army of Lovecraftian monsters coming straight at you from every direction. You’ve got a gun and a plan: live until sunrise, at which point the monsters will stop coming. That’s it. There’s no story here, just the vague shape of one, but it’s got my curiosity up.

20MTD is a bullet heaven game in the same spirit as last year’s Vampire Survivors. Like VS, it’s a top-down action roguelite where the challenge comes from surviving long enough to put together a random character build from whatever random scraps the game throws at you; unlike VS, 20MTD gives you limited ammunition and requires you to aim, which makes it feel a little more like classic twin-stick arcade shooters than an idle game.

That gives 20MTD’s gameplay an immediacy that VS, for all that it does right, doesn’t have. You can’t simply stand still in 20MTD, because sooner or later, your gun will run dry. Outside of a couple of particularly degenerate weapon loadouts, you have to run, dodge, weave, and actively create space to avoid being overrun and give yourself space to reload. If your problem with VS is that you don’t like games that, to a significant extent, play themselves, that’s not an issue you’ll have with 20MTD.

What initially got my attention about 20MTD, over the legion of other indie bullet heaven games that came out in the wake of VS’s success, was its visuals. Everything in 20MTD is black, white, or gray, unless it’s red, and the characters all look like they’re from some minimalist, experimental 2000s horror webcomic.

There’s only one background track in the game, “Wasteland Combat,” but it’s got a nice bassy hum which never wears out its welcome. Especially on your first run, when all you’ve got to play with is Shana and her revolver, it gives 20MTD a vibe like a dark horror Western. 

20MTD is still in Early Access at time of writing, and could use a few quality-of-life improvements before it’s done. Being able to track your stats on the pause menu would be nice, as would a better font on the combat numbers, which often end up as white text over a white explosion and thus illegible.

It also doesn’t limit your character builds the way that VS and a few other games do. You don’t get, say, six or eight slots to fill with particular abilities in 20MTD; you just get one skill every level until the match ends or you’re dead. The only thing forcing you to focus on a particular build is synergy. Otherwise, you can simply load up on everything at once.

That’s the sort of complaint that you have to be fairly deep in the bullet heaven weeds to make, though. 20MTD’s got a decent core loop combined with a simple but memorable look, which has kept me coming back to it for the last couple of months.

20 Minutes Till Dawn might be for you if:

  • You like both roguelites and twin-stick arcade shooters.
  • Your gaming time’s at a premium and you like the idea of something that’s made to take no longer than 20 minutes.
  • The problem you had with Vampire Survivors was how little of an active role you actually play in any given run.
  • You like it when a survival game actually lets you survive.

It might not be for you if:

  • The “monochrome webcomic circa 2005” aesthetic you see in the screenshots is an issue.
  • Constantly reloading puts your teeth on edge.
  • You’re that guy who keeps showing up in my email to complain about how shoggoths are represented in modern pop culture. I blocked you for a reason, Howard.

You can pick up 20 Minutes Till Dawn on Steam or mobile, or check out its predecessor 10 Minutes Till Dawn on Itch.io.

Bella Ramsey Teases Season 2 of ‘The Last of Us’ by Strangling Dog to Death

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Following the conclusion of the critically acclaimed first season of The Last of Us, lead performer Bella Ramsey teased the upcoming second season based on the game’s sequel by strangling a dog to death in front of gathered media.

“Oh my god, I can’t get enough of the fan service in this series,” said Lucy Thorne, a fan of The Last of Us games. “It was cool that the first season had so many direct references to Part One, but I was a little worried they would tone down the insistence on violently murdering dogs throughout the entire game when they got to Part Two. They’re leaning into it, though!” 

“Best story in video games, easily,” she added. “Can’t wait to hear the anguished yelp of dying dogs every week.”

Ramsey defended their controversial actions.

“If fans of the show are upset about me executing that little black puppy, I have some really bad news about season two of our show,” said Ramsey, who portrays Ellie on the show. “And if you think the difference is that there’s no way HBO would really let us kill dogs, I need you to google their show ‘Luck.’ It’s not TV, motherfuckers.”

As of press time, a blissfully unaware Pedro Pascal announced an upcoming promotional appearance at a nearby TopGolf location.

Look, I Get It: Elden Ring Is Cool, But It’s Long As Hell. Play Brume Instead

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

You seem like a busy person. Everyone is these days, with so many more nuanced and weird things to keep track of just to be alive in modern society. It’s even worse if you’re a gamer that wants to be plugged into whatever the hot new game is. 

Getting acquainted with modern triple A titles means spending your time with a 40+ hour game like last year’s mega-hit Elden Ring. It’s incredible, sure, but who has time for that? Well, if you like your combat Souls-like, your swamps poisonous, and your stories difficult and obscure, you don’t need a major time investment to play Brume.

Brume was developed by Netherlands gaming collective Sokpop. The developer prides itself on making smaller games (of which they have many, like Stacklands), and Brume was made early in the company’s life back in January of 2019. While bigger, flashier indie Souls-likes cover the market, a simple experience like Brume is more than worth the price of admission to dive into the mists and hack away at shadow men for an afternoon.

What little story of Brume’s begins with your explorer, a robed figure who rides their boat onto a fog-covered island. From here you set out to discover what secrets the land holds and face the creatures inhabiting the island. These creatures range from slugs and ticks to a stew-making elf and a cauldron-stirring witch. If you’re looking to get lost in a George R.R. Martin-inspired tale, look elsewhere. But, the island itself has enough compelling and enigmatic energy to get you interested in what’s at the end of it.

To traverse these dangerous lands you’ll need weapons. Starting with just a stick, you’ll eventually get access to a handful of melee weapons that gain experience over time, increasing their damage. You also gain a shield for blocking and a worryingly-red necklace that can absorb enemy blood to restore health.

The Souls-like gameplay of Brume is as Souls-like as you can get. You can charge your base attack for more power, or block and dodge incoming hits, at the expense of a stamina bar. Resting takes place at a number of campfire-like spots, and refills your health while respawning surrounding enemies. It’s not breaking new ground, but harvesting greatness from previously used soil. And yes, there’s definitely a swamp to venture through.

Aesthetically it feels as if you’re watching the action through a Game Boy screen (more specifically a Super Game Boy if you recall the SNES add-on). It adds to the whole minimalist package, which includes the lack of music and minimal sound effects. It evokes the feeling of finding a game you shouldn’t be playing on a parent’s old computer.

As you can assume, there are secrets about the game ready to uncover, but it’s best to discover them on your own. If anything previously said sounds interesting, Brume is worth the meager investment to try out.

You should play Brume if:

  • You want something small. Brume isn’t meant to be a buffet you can come back to repeatedly to top off your plate. It’s a single, filling meal made by one of  the best indie companies to make bite-sized titles like this.
  • You need another Souls-like in your Souls-life. Being familiar with the genre’s conventions will help you understand where to go and what to do, and how little hand-holding you’ll get along the way.
  • You’re a fan of old-school adventure games. Not only does the game look retro, it feels like it could’ve been running on an old Mac and talked about in hushed tones by only the most in-the-know of gaming nerds in the 90s.

You should stay away from Brume if:

  • You are not a fan of Dark Souls. It seems easy to say, but if you’ve played a From Software game and took one look at the Asylum Demon or Tree Sentinel and immediately stopped playing, what Brume does will not interest you. It’s a black licorice game: either you’re born loving the flavor or you’ll hate it completely.

Don’t take my word for it, though, check out Brume on Steam or Itch.io

Man Strategically Times Gaming Hours to When Korean Children at School

Posted on by Camden Brazile

PEORIA, Ill. — Local gamer Micah Bellwether surprised his friends and family with his secret gaming strategy, which involves specifically timing his playing hours to when Korean children are at school.

“What can I say, I don’t want to just get rinsed in competitive matches all day long,” Bellwether explained. “I realized it was much easier to just figure out when all the South Korean kids are starting their school day, so I can avoid just getting instantly sniped from across the map from someone wearing elaborate cosmetics I didn’t even know existed. Now I’m playing exclusively around 7 p.m., and my competition is all the people who can only squeeze in a few hours after their work day. I have become a God to them.”

Bellwether’s friends said that his gaming strategy has already yielded impressive results.

“I hate having specific restricted gaming hours, but ever since I got on Michah’s schedule all the difficult competition is busy in their Social Studies class,” said Bellwether’s roommate Ryan Hurwitz. “You have to know right when to hop off though, because the moment they get out of school they’re going to hop on and just obliterate you back down to Bronze rank. Also, you have to keep track of the weather in Korea, because if it’s raining they can pop in for a few easy matches against you during their indoor recess time. It’s got a learning curve, but it’s way easier than actually just getting better than them at the game. It’s just Darwinism in action, and the Asian seventh graders are at the top of the food chain. It’s best not to upset the natural order.”

11-year-old Korean child Tae Kim says he prefers online confrontation.

“Bitch,” Kim said. “That’s what I thought. You’re lucky that they take attendance in my homeroom, or else I’d be staying home kicking your ass up and down the competitive ranks all day long. You can run, hide, and cower all you want, but next semester when I get a Study Hall every Friday, you better believe I’m going to be showing you no mercy.”

At press time, sources reported that Bellwether claimed he would be grinding competitive matches in fervid preparation for his ruthless opponent’s upcoming Spring Break week.

Powerless Guy With Zero Responsibility Somehow Relates to Spider-Man

Posted on by Matt Shore

PITTSBURGH — A man with no power or responsibility whatsoever claims to relate to powerful, responsible superhero Spider-Man, often referencing the relatability of said character to his baffled friends and family.

Greg Markovich, 27, an unemployed couch-surfing comic book enthusiast, often opines to anyone within earshot that he is “basically Peter Parker,” despite the fact that Markovich’s only meaningful relationship is an odd parasocial fixation on Gwen Stacey cosplayers.

“Spider-Man always has to balance his crime-fighting with keeping his loved ones safe,” Markovich explained. “That’s what makes him so relatable. He’s not some rich guy like Batman or Tony Stark. He’s a regular guy like me who forgets to pay his rent sometimes, or maybe he doesn’t shower for a few weeks. So what if he can’t afford weed? So what if he has to smoke resin? And then everyone at the Applebee’s is looking at him weird because they can all smell the resin smoke on him, so he gets nervous and throws up on the table, then dines and dashes on the Two for Twenty he ordered for himself. That’s just what life is like for a street-level hero.”

Markovich’s brother, Steven, 33, refuses to acknowledge any similarities between his brother and the popular Marvel superhero, despite Greg’s insistence.

“Greg doesn’t have any power,” Steven explained. “Literally, his apartment has no power. He has been sleeping on my couch and using my laptop to ‘look for a job,’ but I can hear his porno step-sisters moaning from across the house. He doesn’t have any responsibilities either. He used to have a hamster, but he burped in its face and its heart stopped. I know hamsters aren’t very durable, but still, a belch that toxic makes me deeply concerned for Greg’s gut health. And I feel like Spider-Man would have at least shown some empathy, maybe had a funeral for the hamster, played some sad Chad Kroeger music or something. Greg just threw it off the fire escape to ‘feed the turkey vultures.’ And I checked two weeks later. The body’s still there. That’s not the kind of Vulture that Spider-Man is dealing with, I don’t think.”

Steven also noted that he occasionally sees Markovitch sitting upside-down on his couch trying to practice kissing with Pokimane’s stream.

“I don’t even want a real girlfriend,” Markovitch confided. “She would just end up dying tragically. That’s why I must make a hero’s sacrifice and love e-girls from afar. Also my uncle’s not doing so hot lately, so fingers crossed for another similarity there soon.”

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