LOS ANGELES — Local stoner Gus Robertson was reportedly way in over his head after loading up Devolver Digital’s Weedcraft Inc and discovering the gameplay revolved around a significant number of on-screen menus.
“Oh man. Oh jeez. I don’t…I don’t know if I can keep track of all of this right now,” said Robertson as he regretted trying out a higher dose of edibles in anticipation of becoming a virtual weed tycoon. “I really miscalculated how high I was gonna be. I think I’m breathing too fast. Am I breathing too fast?”
Developer Vile Monarch sympathized with Robertson, and hoped he was still enjoying the game even though he got blasted out of his gourd before booting up Steam.
“When we set out to make Weedcraft Inc, we wanted to create a simulator that explored the business of cannabis in an accessible and entertaining way,” said Vile Monarch Producer Lily Chambers. “We understand that the game might be a little intimidating at first look, but we want to assure stoned gamers like Gus that everyone knows you’re high and they’re thinking about you but not saying anything.”
Despite the setback, Robertson endeavored to continue playing, wanting to experience the multiple scenarios and unique cross-breeding mechanics that had attracted him to the game back a few hours ago before he got so stoned that he thought it was a good idea to eat jelly straight from the jar.
“I am going to have a good night tonight. This is my ‘High Night’ and I’m going to be high and I’m going to play this game,” he said to himself. “I am a smart person, and I can read these menus, and I’m not too stoned. I’m a normal guy, who can do normal things and be normal. OK. Let’s do it. I am really fucking high right now.”
At press time, Robertson had finally made it past the tutorial but was struggling to continue after being unable to stop giggling at naming his in-game company “Brewster’s Chill-ions.”
This is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Check out Weedcraft Inc on Steam for just $19.99 and make sure you’re the appropriate level of high before you boot it up and give yourself a panic attack.
DEWEY’S ISLAND — Local man Dewey McCormick woke up shocked the morning after his attempted suicide, when he was reportedly greeted and screamed at by angry mole man Mr. Resetti.
“Yeah, I yelled at the kid. Whaddya expect?” explained dirt-covered Resetti. “You think when things get hard, you can just hit the game over button, punk? No, you can’t. You can’t go through life taking the easy way out, you gotta face your problems head on, like me. You think I like digging these holes? No!!! If I took the easy way out, I’d be crawling around on the surface with you freaks. Neither of us wants that. Let me help you find a good therapist!!!”
According to those familiar with the situation, McCormick was happy for the wake-up call from Resetti.
“I think it was exactly the kind of tough love I needed,” McCormick said. “I’ve been struggling a lot recently. Bees fall out of every tree I shake, I can’t get a good HHA rating and oh yeah. I’m super in debt to Tom Nook. We’re talking a lot of bells; it’s actually so bad, I thought Mr. Resetti was a debt collector when I first saw him.”
“Resetti was really helpful, though,” McCormick continued. “He told me, ‘Life is supposed to have challenges, kid. No Mario without Goombas, no Zelda without weird convoluted puzzles, no quitting until Tom gets his money.’ That really stuck with me. These days I’m doing better; I go down to the beach and collect shells, I plant flowers, and I even got a shovel, so I can start digging money up out of the ground to pay off my debt.”
Resetti insisted, however, that he just wanted to help McCormick.
“Look, what you gotta understand is, Tom runs this whole show. He needs to get paid,” Resetti said, glancing over at his brother Don. “If Tom goes down, we all go down. Them’s the breaks. But, yeah, I just wanted to help the kid. He seems like a good egg, and what I told him is true. There’s no quittin’ in this life, even if your mug is as ugly as his. People love and care about you. Now, SCRAM.”
When reached for comments, Nook Inc. had only this to say: “Oho, that’s simply the cost of doing business, hmmm?”
Over the past decade, there has been an arms race in the theme park world. Universal’s Harry Potter area brought the Wizarding World to full three-dimensional life. Disney shot back with an Avatar-themed area with real floating mountains and one of the greatest simulator rides ever made, and Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, the long-awaited Star Wars land that puts guests in an expansive, in-continuity adventure. And now, Universal is taking the trends of interactive, immersive storytelling to the next level with the big man himself: Mario.
Super Nintendo World, which opened on February 17th at Universal Studios Hollywood, brings to life the world of Nintendo’s beloved game series on a scale never before seen. Have you ever wanted to punch a coin block? You can. Throw a shell in Mario Kart? Go for it. Eat a big ol’ bowl of Spaghetti and Meatballs just like your old pal, Mario? Just save room for the Mushroom Garlic Knots. The land was developed closely with Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto himself was involved in the design process, helping turn the land into more than just a place to ride an attraction or hug Princess Peach. This is a full-on, real-life Mario game.
I’m not kidding. Those coins you “got” from taking your picture hitting a question mark block? There’s an app tracking your score on a leaderboard. There are collectible stamps that act like achievements. There’s an entire game that you can only play if you collect three keys from other parts of the land. They WILL NOT let you in without those keys!
And so, if Super Nintendo World wants to be a real-life video game, we will review it like a video game. In this overview, we’re going to look at the Graphics, the Sound, The Gameplay, and yes, the Fun Factor, to let you, the gamer, know if walking through that warp pipe next to the Transformers ride is going to be a good use of your time. Let’s-a-go!
NOTE: This review is based on two visits to Super Nintendo World before its official opening, one during technical rehearsals and one during an Annual Passholder preview. I did not get to experience all the attractions and there were still some hiccups in operations. Things will most likely smooth out by opening day, so consider this an “Early Access” review.
GRAPHICS
The first thing you’ll notice as you step out of Princess Peach’s castle into Super Nintendo World is just how much movement there is. Everywhere you look, there is a Koopa or Goomba trotting along a path, a Thwomp taking a momentary pause before hurtling to the ground, or a massive Piranha Plant rising up out of the ground. The land crackles with kinetic energy, drawing you in to explore every nook and cranny and see who else might be around. The icon at the center of the land, Mount Beanpole, features multiple moving platforms and animatronics with the iconic end-of-level flagpole at the top. If you poke around, you’ll catch sight of a snow area, an underground cave, a desert zone just out of reach. Everything looks like it was ripped straight out of New Super Mario Bros, immaculately presented with bright colors and pristine detailing.
Hell, even the bathrooms are themed to an underwater level.
Even the line for the headlining attraction “Mario Kart: Bowser’s Challenge” charms, giving you plenty to look at while you navigate the large series of switchbacks. You start off in Yoshi’s Island, depicted in the iconic crayon-inspired style, before entering Bowser’s Castle to get ready for the big race. The castle is where true gamers will have a blast. There are so many references to Mario history packed in here, you’ll want to actually slow down a little and read the title of every book on the shelf.
It’s impressive just how well Universal Creative was able to bring the world of Mario to life here, and I hope the company really invests in keeping the place looking like it does at the opening. How will all of this fare after a year of sitting in the Los Angeles sunlight? What happens when a bean counter asks “do all those coins really need to be spinning?” But for now, I can confidently say you’ve never seen a theme park land like this before.
Also, there’s a robot Yoshi on Mount Beanpole. It’s so good. He just walks around in a little circle moving his little arms. Every time I saw it I would say to my partner, “Aw, look at Yoshi. He’s just having a good time.” What a chill dude.
SOUND
Universal spared no expense in bringing the soundscape of Mario to life. Brand new orchestral renditions of songs from across the Mario series play throughout the land, though my favorite track is the 8-bit version of “Gusty Garden Galaxy” that plays just outside by a warp pipe photo spot.
All of the classic Mario voices are here. Universal wisely did not play any cross-promotional games and featured Charles Martinet as Mario instead of Chris Pratt. You’ll even get to hear a little monologue from the new character Chef Toad while in line at the Toadstool Cafe that will make you say “Wow, I’m not sure I wanted to hear this much dialogue from Toad!”One charming element quickly turns annoying, however: the coin blocks. Every time you hit one, it makes the iconic “ding” sound. Great! How fun. But there are dozens of blocks throughout the land, and people are punching those things constantly. I think you can see where this is going. You eventually tune out the coins, but it certainly makes the first impression a tad overwhelming.
GAMEPLAY
Theme parks have been playing with interactivity as a major selling point for years now. You can buy wands at Harry Potter Land and “cast spells” on interactive elements, and Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge features an app that tracks your credits that you win on the Millennium Falcon ride and lets you scan lore dumps throughout the area. Super Nintendo World takes this concept a step further. You are not just interacting with the land, you are playing in it.
Throughout the land, there are mini-challenges to defeat classic Mario enemies. My personal favorite was a game where you have to put a massive Piranha Plant to sleep by working with a team to hit as many stopwatches as you can that are scattered around a small area. Each of these games reward you with a key, and earning three will allow you to take on Bowser Jr. for a final showdown. It’s fun, quick, easy, and encourages repeat visits.
This simplicity doesn’t quite transfer to the actual ride. In “Mario Kart: Bowser’s Challenge,” you don’t just sit as your Mario Kart races through a greatest hits collection of tracks ripped from the game, brought to life in full three-dimensional set pieces and props. You have to drift around corners and fire shells off at Bowser and his Koopalings in order to build up as many coins as possible. This is done through a wheel attached to your lap bar and an AR headset that places Mario and the gang onto the scenery around you. To shoot a shell, you just look at your target and press a button on the wheel.
It’s easy and intuitive, but it took me several rides to be able to focus on the AR characters. I never quite felt like I had a firm grasp on how to best hit the targets, and I often just wanted to ignore them entirely. There isn’t any force feedback to indicate a hit. This is also another recent ride from Universal that has a size limit, and larger guests may struggle to fit in the restraints. Considering this is a slow-moving ride that doesn’t require more than a lap bar, it’s odd to have it be so inaccessible to some audiences.
So, despite some quibbles with the ride, it seems like Universal has created the ultimate interactive Mario experience, right? Well, there’s a catch, and it’s one that gamers will know very well. That’s right, it’s microtransactions.
I hope you brought real life coins too!
In order to activate any of these games track your coin count, or earn achievements, you must buy a $40 “Power-Up Band,” which is essentially a slap bracelet with an NFC chip at the center. There’s six designs to choose from, each corresponding to a different character (I, of course, picked my main man Yoshi). You scan the band into the Universal app, and then you can punch those coin blocks to your heart’s content. As long as one person in your party has a band, you can still play the group games like the Pirahna Plant or Bowser Jr. But if you want the full experience, be prepared to pony up. I also found that the band struggled to stay secure around my wrist, and I often reverted to holding it in my hand.
FUN FACTOR
I strongly recommend you go to Universal Studios Hollywood to see Super Nintendo World. Despite the steep upcharge on Power-Up Bands and one somewhat disappointing ride, I believe it is absolutely worth the trip. This is a land made for Nintendo fans. It’s identified what is so fantastic about Mario and brought it to life. There is so much fun to be had here in just walking around and taking in the sights, listening to the music, poking around the hidden paths and corners.
GREEN BAY, Wisc. — A dentist reportedly unlocked a platinum trophy after pulling a left canine, the last tooth he needed to have finally pulled every tooth.
“It’s difficult enough pulling one tooth, let alone all of them,” said Dr. Michael Armstrong, wiping sweat from his forehead. “And that’s if you can even get the right ones to spawn. I’ve been waiting for this last one for years. The drop rate is so low that I almost gave up. It was a pretty grueling process.”
Washing blood from his hands, Armstrong claimed the trophy was nice, but that he enjoyed the journey itself most of all.
“It’s definitely something I wanted to do, and not something that I was obsessively chasing out of some perfectionist compulsion. Not necessarily enjoyable, but satisfying. Do I regret all the time I spent to get here, when I could have been enjoying new experiences?” Armstrong asked, gazing forlornly at a nearby picture of him when he was younger. He did not answer.
Dental hygienist Amber York claimed Armstrong still didn’t seem happy despite unlocking the platinum trophy.
“He’s been obsessively chasing that trophy for decades. I’m glad it’s over now. He was not having a good time,” said York, who doesn’t track her dental achievements. “He’d be working on people with a guide open next to him, sucking all the fun out of it. It’s more fun when you can just explore and discover how to remove the teeth on your own.”
At press time, Armstrong announced his retirement from dentistry, stating he longer felt the need to continue after unlocking the platinum trophy.
TOKYO — In celebration of March 10, the official Mario holiday, legendary Nintendo executive Shigeru Miyamoto reportedly pardoned a Sonic Fan from execution.
“Today we come together to celebrate a longstanding icon of video games, and what better way to honor him than a show of mercy?” Miyamoto said, posing with a trophy Sonic Fan at a press conference. “On a day that breeds so much slaughter, it’s a nice gesture to let one of Mario’s enemies go free. Today I will not be executing this devoted Sonic fanboy, he’s one of the lucky ones. As for next year? Well, only time will tell. But enjoy your freedom today, and live another revolution around the sun enjoying terrible, disappointing games.”
The pardoned Sonic fan, Rylie Meyers, claimed to have mixed feelings about being saved by the Nintendo developer.
“Mario day is a dreaded day of fear and treachery for all Sonic fans, I’m just grateful Miyamoto was merciful to me this year,” Meyers said. “Every March 10 the fandom hunkers down awaiting the horrible atrocities that may be inflicted upon them by the nation, it’s important to remember the genocide that created this so-called holiday My heart goes out to all the unlucky Sonic fans who had to die today for the glorification of the Italian plumber, and I feel even worse for the even more unlucky Sonic fans like myself who survive and have to keep playing Sonic games.”
At press time, sources at Nintendo reported that Miyamoto also attempted to pardon a Ratchet and Clank fan as well, but none could be located in the entire nation.
With Season 2 of Call of Duty Warzone 2, many players might be curious what’s new in the return of the Resurgence mode, including new labels like “redeploy” on the scoreboard. The new map, titled Ashika Island, is home to a wide variety of new POIs, which are not currently available to access on the regular Warzone 2 map. This brings a new level of excitement and refreshment to the game, especially with the Season 2 launch.
When playing on Ashika Island, you might notice a strange new number appearing by each player in the scoreboard. Especially for players new to Ashika Island, this may be a bit confusing. The label for this is titled “Redeploy”, but what exactly does redeploy mean?
Warzone 2: What Does Redeploy Mean in Ashika Island?
Redeploy in the scoreboard is a unit that tracks how many times a player has redeployed throughout the match. As the mode is Resurgence, anytime you die you have the chance to redeploy or respawn if your timer is able to hit 0 before your team members die.
If you’re looking to see how many players are being eliminated and redeploying, this is the best way to do so as it perfectly aligns with each player’s kill count. With each life, you should be aiming to eliminate as many players as possible. Your redeploys will stop once your entire team has been eliminated.
And that’s what you need to know about redeploys in Call of Duty Warzone 2! This feature is not available on Al Mazrah, which is the main map utilized in the other modes Warzone 2 offers. If you’re looking to redeploy after death, Resurgence on Ashika Island is the perfect mode for you!
Square Enix recently released the Outline of Results Briefing from February 3, 2023. This briefing gives some clarity into the company’s results & impressions from their recent releases. Unsurprisingly, it seems like they’ve been mostly disappointed so far.
The meat and potatoes was their impressions of FORSPOKEN, regarding which they said: “Reviews of FORSPOKEN, which we released on January 24, 2023, have been challenging.” It’s also mentioned that the sales have been “lackluster,” and it’s pretty easy to see that those two things go hand-in-hand. Square Enix did seem optimistic about positive feedback it got regarding “its parkour and combat capabilities,” though. I would guess this means more gameplay like FORSPOKEN, but less talking cuff.
Another disappointment mentioned in the briefing is the performance of “small- and mid-sized titles.” They never really seem to get more specific, but it’s fairly easy to posit a few guesses as to what these titles could be. Harvestella, The DioField Chronicle, and Valkyrie Elysium all come to mind. Basically, the games you probably saw at a Nintendo Direct or State of Play and never thought about again.
Don’t worry about Square Enix after these disappointing results, though! They have a plan! Coming in a Q&A session at the end of the briefing, when talking about how to expect growth in future fiscal years, Square Enix president Yosuke Matsuda ended his answer with this:
“We also hope that you will look forward to the blockchain games we plan to launch in FY2024/3 and thereafter.”
So, uh… yeah! I guess that even after the current disaster that NFT video games are, Square Enix sees it as a plot of potential growth. Let’s just hope that whatever the third part of Final Fantasy 7 Remake is, we don’t have to grab our own NFTs of Cloud’s Buster Sword.
How good would every Mario Kart character be at driving in real life? Get the uneducated opinion of a guy who does not drive in this first-of-its-kind ranking video.
SAN FRANCISCO — Fans of the 1995 action film Virtuosity reacted to a series of bold, visionary AI stills that dared to reimagine the movie as if it were produced in the year 1994.
“It truly is a marvel what we can achieve with technology these days,” said AI enthusiast Ted Reeves, who entered the prompt into Midjourney. “Take this, for example: see the car Denzel Washington is driving in this shot? That’s a brand new Honda Civic, right? Wrong! It’s the 1994 model. Virtuosity? Made in nineteen ninety motherfuckin’ five. This car wasn’t even current when this film was made. Do you understand the magnitude of that? Could the meager human mind even conceive of it? I think not.”
Hollywood leading man and co-star of the film, Russell Crowe, was also enamored with the prospects of the application.
“I can’t really get my mind around this shit, but I’ll be damned if I’m not intrigued,” Crowe said. “In 1995, I was in the ballpark of 200 pounds. But looking at me in these stills? I’m an easy 175, 180. Sure, a couple extra dozen rows of teeth, but it’s a give and take. I’m a fan. In fact, I’m already plotting out how it’ll tie into my line of exclusive Master and Commander NFTs dropping this year. You heard of those things? I think they’re gonna be big. Websites are now battlefields.”
When reached for comment, Virtuosity director Brett Leonard expressed mixed feelings on the project.
“I’m all for adaptation and artistic freedom, but let me be clear when I say I always intended my movies to reflect the exact year they were made, and also for the characters to have a maximum of 10 fingers,” said Leonard after reviewing a few of the images. “There’s certainly a neat novelty charm to this, but something about seeing a film I’d worked so hard on at the peak of my career like this is… uncanny, to say the least. And that’s coming from the guy that made The Lawnmower Man.”
At press time, Reeves briefly teased an even more absurd AI reimagining project: an alternate timeline where Super Mario Bros. was adapted into a gritty sci-fi action movie in the early 1990s.
BURBANK, Calif. — Citing a need for additional polish and bug fixes, Rocksteady Studios reportedly sent a ragtag group of developers on a deadly mission to announce the delay of Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League.
“Even though we’re no good and famously untrustworthy, they had no choice but to send us to do the dirty job nobody wants to and delay the game,” said Rocksteady Developer Ryan Falwell. “They can’t be seen doing such a heinous, back-alley move so they tasked a group of latchkey kids that worked on the game to face certain death and tell everyone the game is pushed back. We may suffer the consequences on Twitter or comment sections, but at least we’re going out our way.”
Falwell went on to elaborate on the conditions of his plucky team’s mission.
“As part of an under-the-table deal we made with Warner Bros, if we complete this mission, we’ll be granted our freedom,” Falwell said. “We’re almost guaranteed to be murdered after announcing the delay, but it’s worth it for the chance to finally see my family again after those grueling years at my developer cubicle. The odds are stacked against us, but anyone who’s worked on a videogame before will tell you that death can’t be worse than what awaits me back at Rocksteady.”
At press time, sources at Rocksteady reported that the developer team had bombs implanted in their necks to keep them in line, though this was unrelated and just standard practice in the games industry.
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