LOS ANGELES — This New Year’s Eve local Gamer, Ronan Barbier, 39, has resolved to waste less of his short time on this earth level-grinding and spend more quality time with the people who matter: NPCs you can kiss.
“Diet, exercise, and career goals all came up when we discussed potential New Year’s resolutions,” reported Barbier’s life coach, Dr. Neil Mcnamara, 34. “In the end, we decided that his relationship with Odessa was what needed the most attention this year.
“Our loved ones are the most important part of a fulfilling life” Explained Dr. Mcnamara smugly, who at press time was still unaware that “Odessa” is not Barbier’s long term girlfriend, but in fact the earliest Romanceable NPC in the 2018 open world RPG Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey.
“I know a lot of people are making lifestyle changes this time of year, and love is the most important part of my life,” said Barbier, while tenderly stroking his Xbox controller. “Sure, she joined my crew as a lieutenant, and I’m loyal, I didn’t even do that rad side quest where you cuck a grandpa to save his marriage, but is that all a relationship is?
“When was the last time we just talked? This is the area where I can improve the most this year” Barbier’s statement was cut short by a coughing fit brought on by his 2 pack a day smoking habit.
Maria Barbier, Ronan Barbier’s wife of 16 years, added that “His resolution last year was to finally finish the main story line, but he has problems prioritizing.” After pausing to take a Valium, M. Barbier continued, “I bought him Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla for Christmas and suggested we play it together, but he really wants to finish Odes- Odyssey first.
At this point the glass of red wine that Maria used to wash down the Valium shattered in her bare hand, yet she continued, “Maybe next year I’ll get him a vape. Then I can force him to have dinner with me by hiding it. I haven’t had a meal with my husband since 2018.”
M. Barbier excused herself from the interview to feed her son, Odie, 4, but not before removing the shattered pieces of glass from her hand and placing them into the vent of her husband’s Xbox. Odie was unavailable to comment on his father’s New Year’s resolutions, but is probably very proud.
“The game is called Odyssey because it was supposed to be a dating simulator for romancing Odessa,” a representative from Ubisoft commented.
Well it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re alone once again, just like you were last year, and the year before that. I know at times like this it’s tempting to let the inescapable loneliness consume you until you’re on the floor crying in the fetal position, but perhaps there’s another option.
Here’s a list of ten games you could play into the new year to help ease that pain of being forever alone. I intend to finally play Digimon Survive tonight, a game I was gifted long ago and completely forgot I had. I think the following games though will really help you embrace that solitary feeling you’re experiencing and make the most out of it.
Bioshock
Now while you may not be alone in the underground city of rapture it sure feels like it. No spoilers for this increasingly old game, but as you walk around and try to keep your cool you may find that it’s not unlike navigating a rowdy NYE party. It’s dark, all kinds of insane people are jumping out at you possibly trying to kiss you. Whether you’re out at a party tonight or at home staring at your television in the dark while a Big Daddy lurks around the corner, keep that head on a swivel!
Portal
A classic game for a sad sap like yourself. At least the portal games have fun quirky robots to keep you company. Sure they really just want you to die in the end, but so do your ‘so called’ friends who are out partying right now. Instead of going out and dealing with other people competing with you to kiss that special someone you wish you had, why not stay safe at home while trying to complete puzzles for GLaDOS? Who knows, you might just be able to steal a kiss at the end!
Luigi’s Mansion
Sure you’ll feel pretty isolated walking around this big mansion trying to bust some ghosts, but it’s a noble mission you’re on! You gotta save your brother! What better way to ring in the new year than with family? Virtual animated Nintendo family I mean. You don’t need a real family. You’re real brother is probably out right now getting hammered on tequila sunrises, screw that guy! Mario needs you!
Minesweeper
Minesweeper is endless entertainment. It’s also always been there for you, unlike a former lover. We both know who I’m talking about. Minesweeper never left, it’s waiting for you to come back to it. Let those little colored numbers count down your new year, you won’t regret it.
Hitman
Let’s face it, you’re home right now because you hate people, and know one hates people quite like Agent 47. The Hitman games allow you to act out your fantasies of going to lavish or exotic locations and subtly murdering people. Imagine that party you’re not going to and think of how you could show up, sneak around, and kill that guy Trent you hate!
L.A. Noire
The bad news is that you don’t have any friends, the good news is that in L.A. Noire you’re assigned a friend! Well sort of, you get a partner though and that’s better than a friend. It’s their job to keep you company and make sure you don’t go off the deep end. Boy do you need it too! Just like Cole Phelps, no one understands you, no one knows the horrors you’ve seen and what you’ve had to sacrifice. This city is a cesspool of crime and violence, you’re better off staying inside and trying to crack some cases while cheating on your wife with a German jazz singer.
The Forest
Sure you can play the Forest with other people, but you’re not going to, are you? You’re going to wander around looking for your son before giving up after an hour and then just building yourself a nice cabin, maybe even build yourself your own little Times Square with a ball that drops! Happy new year!
Sports Betting
We’ve established that your life sucks and is bad, yes? So how do we make it better? By putting our faith in strangers playing a child’s game. Maybe you were hoping to throw your own party this year and didn’t have the money. Well once you hit this 15 leg parlay on the football games, basketball, and swedish women’s soccer, you’re going to be so rich you can throw a new years party every month this year!
Death Stranding
Have you ever considered just going solo in a new post apocalyptic environment? Maybe that’s all you need to feel better going into the new year. If you think about it you’re really doing more important work here than that tool Ryan Seacrest is doing in New York right now. He’s just telling a ball to drop? Meanwhile you’re escorting a special orange baby! You should be hosting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve!
Solitaire
I give you the GOAT of games to play when you have no one. Everyone knows how to play it, it’s a timeless classic. Don’t come at me saying that you don’t know how to play Solitaire because if that were true you wouldn’t be reading this list. You’d be out there getting to first base with that sexy little someone you met at your brother’s wedding. But you aren’t, you’re alone and ready to match up those spades!
See you next year, when I update this list for you, as I know you’ll need it at the end of 2024 as well.
CLOCK TOWN — Over forty attendees of Clock Town’s annual Carnival of Time were injured, some critically, when a planned “ball drop” event ended with an angry moon crashing down into the metropolitan hub, familiar-looking sources confirm.
“Tingle, Tingle! Kooloo-Limpah,” said Tingle, 35, a map salesman who witnessed the tragedy while hanging from a balloon in North Clock Town.
“These are the words that Tingle exclaimed when that furious heavenly body fell upon the city and blew up all of those people! The authorities aren’t ready to confirm any deaths, but Tingle is! I will sell you the names of those who perished at a discount, in exchange for friendship!”
Workers involved in the preparations for the carnival said that the event’s organizers were aware of the potential danger and had made efforts to address it.
“They hired an independent contractor to figure out how to stop the whole moon-fall thing,” said Jiro, a local carpenter. “Some kid. A Deku Scrub, I think. He had a weird tuba thing he’d play sometimes. I remember asking, ‘What’s he gonna do, play the moon off?’ and a bunch of guys laughed.”
“Then some other guys said, ‘No, he’s going to summon the four giants to use their very strong arms to stop the moon from falling.’ That was pretty embarrassing. I sure had egg on my face after that entirely reasonable explanation. Anyway, the kid apparently screwed up and the moon still fell on the city.”
Some Clock Town residents were eager to point figures at a well-known-yet-mysterious outsider, but the controversial figure denied any involvement.
“It’s a terrible fate, isn’t it?” said the Happy Mask Salesman, who has hosted Termina News Network’s live coverage of the Carnival of Time for eight years.
“The town has had successful carnival after successful carnival, with not so much as a hiccup until now. Funny, during all of those earlier carnivals, the network allowed my co-host and I to celebrate the occasion with a drink or two. This year, they ban alcohol on the broadcast, and look what happens: some skinny kid steals my most evil and powerful mask and sabotages the annual moon drop. It’s clearly not my fault, but I’m sure I could sort this whole situation out if I had a few whiskey sours in me.”
At press time, the Deku Scrub contractor hired to avert the disaster had returned to Clock Town brandishing its strange horn-like instrument and began playing an awkwardly-arranged song.
HOUSTON – Disappointing news is sweeping the city of Houston after 8-year-old Brian Thomas had to leave his PlayStation party under his mother’s commands. His friends were left betrayed and alone as his online status switched to offline.
“We were having a great time playing Fall Guys until I heard a scream in the background that I immediately recognized as Mrs. Thomas. Brian was silent for a few seconds before telling us he had to go to bed and leaving the game,” 9-year-old Eddie said. “It’s tragic that our night had to end like this, and it still bothers me today.”
Brian is hurt the most by this sudden announcement. He had this to say about the abrupt announcement of his departure:
“This is unfair. I work 8 hours a day at school and then do homework. Combine that with eating and showering, and I have no time throughout the day to unwind,” Brian continued. “People think the 2nd grade is easy, but try doing it with an 8 pm bedtime. This is textbook injustice, and I won’t stand for it any longer.”
Not everyone is standing by Brian, however. Many Houston parents are rallying behind his mother and are speaking up against young gamers playing past their bedtime.
“I just think it would be nice if our child didn’t have to loudly announce that he died in Fortnite at 3 am every night,” said one Houston resident. “I stand by his mother, and we need to limit the screen time our children use. I would really prefer to watch The Wire in peace without hearing muffled slurs throughout the house.”
Tensions are steadily rising in the wake of Brian’s sudden departure. This incident is inciting mass conflict between children and their families as they try to find the right balance between recreational activities and a normal, healthy routine.
PHOENIX – Local gamer Keith Erickson informed Discord friends today that he is considering the irreversible use of a rare item before taking on an extremely difficult final boss.
“It’s actually something I’ve been debating for a very long time, and I’m still not sure if it’s something I can go through with,” stated a conflicted Erickson. “On the one hand, using up a rare item can grant the upper hand in battle, especially at the final boss of the game.
“But on the other hand, who’s to say that this is even the final boss and not just a warmup or some underling meant to make me waste my precious resources? I didn’t spend 10 hours gathering ancient soul dust just to burn it all on a failed attempt!
“The game designers are probably just trying to trick me into wasting everything I’ve saved up and they’re wrong if they think I’ll fall for it.”
Jason Smith, one of Erickson’s longtime Steam friends, offered his thoughts on the challenging situation.
“I don’t envy him, not one bit–though I do admire his bravery. That final boss is around the corner wielding god knows what type of weapon, and we can only guess how many health bars it’ll have. I’d wager at least two. Can you really justify using a highly rare consumable in a fight like that?
“Plus it’s a slippery slope once you start considering using something valuable from your inventory. First it’s the rare berries, then the useful elixirs, and the next thing you know you’ll be burning up a goddamned smiting scroll! Everyone knows you save that stuff for NG+ or whatever secret, way more difficult final-final boss comes after this one. Don’t forget about the bosses in DLC, too.”
NeonBlade, a popular Twitch streamer and RPG enthusiast, explained that this type of gamer’s conundrum takes an extremely delicate approach.
“Ran into this same situation playing Elden Ring–I saved all my fire grease and boluses until the very end, even though using them would’ve made the game both more enjoyable and noticeably shorter. My advice? Save your items.”
Eyewitness reports have also confirmed that Erickson reportedly spent more time paging through his extensive inventory than actually playing the game, with the latest rumors indicating a full respec may be necessary before any items are used.
I heard that you’re hosting a party for New Years, and I also heard that you specifically didn’t invite me and told everyone I couldn’t be their plus one. That’s fine. I’m not mad at all. I didn’t even want to go to your stupid party. I have so many reasons that I wouldn’t want to go, even if I was invited.
#1 — I Was Actually Invited to Another Party First
I wouldn’t be able to make it to your party anyway, because I got invited to Chad’s party and said I would go. You know Chad, right? The one who works at the record store? Yeah, that one. He’s hosting his own party that’s going to be awesome. I heard everyone will be there.
#2 — Wait, Chad Is Going to Be at Your Party? No, I Meant a Different Chad
Wait, he agreed he’d be at yours? You must be thinking of a different Chad. Or, wait, no, I’m thinking of a different Chad. I have so many friends that sometimes it’s hard to keep track.
#3 — It Is Real, but I’m Not Going to That One either, Actually
It actually is a real party, and I did get invited to it, and I am friends with multiple people named Chad who work at a record store. I don’t appreciate your assumption that I don’t have that many friends. I can’t make it to that party either, actually, and Chad was really sad to hear that. He says I’m always the life of the party and it won’t be the same without me.
#4 — I Promised My Girlfriend That We Could Hang Out
I can’t go anywhere actually, because I told my girlfriend that we could just hang out and not do anything too fancy. What? Yeah, still the same girl. Wait, who told you that we’re not talking? Oh, she did when you invited her to your party? I guess that makes sense.
#5 — If She’s at Your Party Could You Tell Her I Miss Her?
If she shows up can you let her know that I’m thinking of her? I haven’t seen her in a few weeks and she hasn’t answered any of my calls. I mean, I’m not desperate or anything. You should tell her for her sake more than anything. I wouldn’t want her to miss out on this opportunity.
#6 — I Got My License Revoked for Being Too Cool
Even if I did want to go to your party, which I don’t, I can’t. You live in the poor part of town, which is really really far from where I live, and I got my driver’s license revoked for being super super drunk on the highway coming back from a party I went to last week in my very expensive car.
#7 — I Have a Doctor’s Appointment
Actually, now that I look at my very packed calendar, I just realized that I have a doctor’s appointment that starts at the same time as the party. This guy is one of the best doctors in the country so I really don’t want to miss it, and it’s expensive to reschedule. What do you mean the party starts at 9 PM?
#8 — My Extremely High-Paying Job Requires I Wake Up Early
I also see in my calendar that I have to be at my office job at 4 AM the next day, so I should probably go to bed early. If I’m not in my corner office right on time the boss gets upset, so it’s really best that I don’t go out.
#9 — I Celebrate Lunar New Year Now
And I don’t even celebrate New Years anymore. I’ve gotten in touch with the moon lately, and I believe the lunar year is a far better calendar system than whatever we have now.
#10 — I’m Actually Hosting My Own Party and You’re Not Invited
Okay, fine. You got me. I lied. None of that stuff is true. I’m hosting my own party, and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings because you weren’t invited. I invited pretty much everyone else, though. Sam is going to be there. Wait, Sam is going to your party? That’s fine, I didn’t like him that much anyway. Ava is definitely going to be there – what? She’s going too? How many people do you know? Whatever. I don’t even like parties. I hope your new year sucks.
Walt Disney Animation Studios warned via press release that unless audience and critic reactions to the studio’s recent films thaw, the company will be forced to produce a spate of animated adaptations of such live-action classics as Beauty and the Beast (2017), The Lion King (2019), and Pinocchio (2022).
“Don’t get the wrong idea,” Disney CEO Bob Iger clarified in a followup interview. “These are not going to just be the original animated versions. It should go without saying that we’re talking about CGi, not hand-drawn, but it goes beyond that.
“Obviously we’re not going to make another Aladdin and cast someone other than Will Smith as the genie. We would never put the songs back into Mulan. Priority number one is remaining faithful to our 21st century creative sensibilities,” Iger continued. “Let’s see what you smug nerds have to say about The Little Mermaid’s color grading when we make it look exactly like Frozen.”
Indicative of the company’s commitment to preserving the vision of its past decade of live action films, filmmakers associated with several of the remakes reported that they have already been tapped to return for the re-remakes.
“I’m not gonna lie, I’m just redoing mine shot for shot,” said Tim Burton, director of Dumbo (2019). “You think Iger’s gonna notice? Nobody even watched that thing the first time. The biggest challenge comes from the studio demanding I make the elephant even uglier this time.
It’s like, how? I didn’t hold anything back. Have you seen what Dumbo looks like in the live-action version? N… no? Not even in, like, a poster? No. Yeah. That makes sense. No, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.”
Fan reactions to the announcement were understandably mixed, but noted “Disney adult” TikToker Kate Pauley expressed optimism.
“Look, I don’t like it when people feel the need to dump on Disney all the time, but this could be a perfect opportunity to keep expanding on some of the great lore the live-action versions added to the originals.
“Maybe the Lion King re-remake will flesh out Shenzi even more,” Pauley speculated, referring to the female hyena who played a comic relief role in the original The Lion King but was presented as a major, intimidating antagonist in 2019’s live-action remake.
“I just hope they don’t play it too safe. A new animated version of movies like Pinocchio or Lady and the Tramp would be a great venue for Disney to introduce a new first gay character.”
Disney confirmed in a subsequent announcement that an animated remake of the upcoming 2025 remake of Moana has entered pre-pre-production.
LOS ANGELES — Noovie Arcade, the mobile app that turns your mobile phone into a video game controller for gaming experiences on the silver screen, has recently hit a rare milestone. The AR gaming app has been uninstalled by users over a million times, the company said in a press release.
“It baffles me,” says National CineMedia CEO Tom Lesinki while wearing a pair of Google Glass. “Why wouldn’t people want to play arcade style video games in 60 second chunks, a half hour before the movie trailers begin. What else are you going to do during that time?”
David Enriquez, a 17 year old moviegoer downloaded the app out of curiosity but uninstalled the app mere minutes after he first installed it. “I kept seeing those pre-show Noovie announcements and thought it was interesting enough to download. But the app takes about 20 seconds to load so by the time you’re ready to play the game, it’s half over.”
“I think it’s a money laundering scheme,” says Tim Rowland who wrote the r/gaming reddit post titled Does anybody actually play those stupid Noovie Arcade games? Rowland goes to the movies twice a week and never sees anybody playing Noovie Arcade.
“They intentionally made a lame app so they can funnel illegal drug money through a shell company. There’s no way Noovie is a real company. No amount of Maria Menounos promos will ever convince me otherwise.”
“I don’t listen to the haters,” says Lesinksi while making a green juice on his Juicero. He says failure at this scale only motivates the Noovie team further. “We’re already experimenting with new Noovie branded apps that can be experienced before concerts and even sporting events. The future’s looking bright for Noovie.”
The Hard Drive reached out to Maria Menounos for comment but she just told us to go see Wonka in theaters now!
TOKYO — Pokémon fans across the globe are in shock after developer Game Freak revealed the company deleted Seaking from the Pokémon universe nearly a decade ago.
Despite multiple new releases in the main series of Pokémon games during this time, not a single person recorded that the Water-type monster had been erased from the popular franchise. In fact, some influencers who are popular in the Pokémon scene celebrated its removal.
“Oh yeah, Seaking. He’s that little red freak, right? Or maybe he’s orange, I’m not sure. I thought his name was actually ‘Seeking’, like, he looks for shit with his eyes or something. His stats are absolutely terrible,” said popular YouTuber, Pokémon Challenges.
Fellow YouTuber Alpharad added, “I’ve beaten every single Pokémon game roughly a dozen times, and can’t remember a single instance where I used Seaking. I think I had a cousin who used him in a Pokemon Leaf Green playthrough once, but I could be wrong.”
Despite Seaking being an original 151 Pokémon from the Kanto region, there didn’t seem to be much love from the fanbase for the evolution of Goldeen.
President of Game Freak Satoshi Tajiri said, “We were running low on data servers to house all the Pokémon, and Seaking seemed like a good one to get rid of. Our research showed not a single person would miss the ugly little fish.”
He continued, “Our research showed that removing Seaking would make room for newer, cuter fish that fans can grow to know and love. Also, changing the number of original Pokémon to 150 makes it a nice even number.”
Game Freak announced after our interview that the company would be confiscating all copies of Pokémon titles with existing Seaking data so they could delete any trace of the goldfish like pocket monster.
Additionally they plan to delete Seal as well since it’s basically a lazier version of Spheal that’s not as cute.
LONDON – Researchers at King’s College today identified the benefits of equipping multiple newly discovered items from the regalia of William of Occam, the Surrey-born scholar famed for soloing fourteenth century life with nought but his signature blade.
“We’re pleased to announce the discovery of two unique and usable items – a buckler and an amulet – which were discovered in a locked chest behind a fake door in the third level of Occam’s Tomb,” said Dr. Carol Spinx, Professor of Unique Items. “When paired with Occam’s Razor, individuals receive a notable boost to fire resistance and dodge ability as well as a limited number of Revive Friendly Animal spells that can be recharged by ten uninterrupted kills of any one enemy type. The amulet also looks really cool and can be traded to any merchant once you reach max level.”
Gary of Occam, the present-day heir to the Occam estate, bearer of the Razor and part-time Marvel vlogger, was delighted to hear that new levels of his ancestors’ tomb had been accessed.
“There was an old family story about the tomb having treasures in it beyond the Razor itself, but people had searched and searched over the centuries and nothing had ever been found. I’m glad the King’s College team tried lighting those ancient torches in a specific order. I always hoped there was more there, because the Razor by itself is pretty mid despite its rarity. And I’ve always been, like, super weak to fire, so the amulet should help.”
The Ghost Of Occam, reached for comment by dropping exactly nineteen rubies and a fireball scroll into the offering basket located to the right of the Tomb entrance, warned of the new items’ corrupting power.
“The answer you seek ‘tis simp’list, indeed: be warned of mine buckler, mine jewel and thy greed. The Razor will cut thee, and gold shall thee bleed. Also those things weigh a shit ton so you can’t carry any other items. And also, now you’re poisoned. Boo!”
As of press time, King’s College was seeking any information on the whereabouts of Chekov’s Shroud, Lance and Battle Boots.
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