Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Elon Musk Spends $44 Billion on Old Dunk Tank Found on Craigslist

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

GARY, Ind. — Twitter CEO Elon Musk has reportedly discovered his next overvalued investment: a novelty dunk tank he found on Craigslist and bought for 44 billion dollars.

“Everyone’s going to think this is so funny,” said Musk, shortly after procuring the severely used carnival attraction from a guy on the side of the highway. “I’m going to pay 44 billion dollars for this dunk tank and totally own everybody. Pretty soon for just eight bucks a pop, users will be able to see me shirtless and get close enough to me to tell me how smart they think I am, two things they value very highly. This thing is going to pay for itself quicker than COVID cases died off in April of 2020.”

“Ignore all those robots chucking softballs at the target and laughing at me by the way,” he added, moments before one hit a bullseye, dropping him into the water below. “They’re not real.”

The man selling the dunk tank was pleasantly surprised with Musk’s valuation.

“I’d written on there ‘100 bucks or best offer,’ hoping I could get 70,” said Gary Fitzgerald, the man who posted the Craigslist ad for the dunk tank, which was used in the last several county fairs. “I didn’t realize the premiere entrepreneur of our time was willing to spend 11 figures on a weird attempt at a joke, but I wasn’t gonna complain. He’s got some terrible ideas about what to do with it, like drain the water and fill it with human diarrhea, but hey, it’s his dunk tank now. He can fill it with shit if he wants to.”

Fans of Musk’s praised the Tesla CEO’s latest business acquisition.

“The man simply cannot lose,” said devoted Musk fan Scott Vanmeter, as he ate clumps of dirt and grass from the ground. “He’s playing chess while everyone else plays checkers. It’s obvious anyone that disagrees or dislikes him is just jealous of his business acumen, not to mention stellar reputation for being a genius. Plus, it’s his fortune, you know? If he wants to invest it into getting dunked on by the throngs of people that despise everything about him, that’s his choice! He’s still more successful than you’ll ever be.”

“Man, this dirt tastes delicious,” he added.

As of press time, Elon Musk had passed away in the dunk tank’s little pool of water. While all obvious signs point to drowning, his fans have insisted the cause was a deadly strain of the woke mind virus.

Want the Fun of a Caffeine Rush & Crippling Pain of the Following Crash? Try Sonic Unleashed

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Robert Carnevale

Sonic Unleashed was condemned to critical hell upon release in 2008, and that means it’s one of the primary reasons aliens will judge us as brainless chimps undeserving of freedom when it comes time for the Great Takeover™.

Seriously, Sonic Unleashed (the badass 360/PS3 version) reinvented the Sonic formula in such a stylistically bold, thrilling, and visually stunning way with its daytime levels that no one with a true need for speed should deny themselves the pleasure of playing the game over and over until the day they die. These stages manage to translate the adrenaline rush of Sonic 2 and Sonic 3&K’s “oh shit Sonic’s going so fast he’s about to fly off the screen” moments into a breezy 3D experience that finds smart ways to reward player focus and skill.

Furthermore, Unleashed’s levels remain some of—if not THE—best-looking environments in any Sonic game. Visually, besides maybe Sonic Frontiers, Unleashed remains the technological king of the franchise, with gorgeously rendered vistas all mimicking various places from the real world. Want Sonic to bumrush a Parisian cafe for baguettes or run across a whale’s back in Antarctica? Play Unleashed!

Some (many) folks will point out that half the game is the antithesis of Sonic, with regards to the slow “werehog” levels wherein Sonic becomes Kratos from God of War and lumbers around smacking shit. The great irony is the werehog is supposed to be stronger than normal Sonic, yet he takes about twenty punches to do what normal Sonic accomplishes in a single homing attack.

Now, yes, slogging through some serviceable but out of place brawler-platformer levels in a Sonic game is less than ideal; the game’s critics have a valid point there! However, indulge me: Imagine someone invents a universal cure for all cancers but also happens to shit themselves in public. Surely you wouldn’t discredit the magnitude of their accomplishments all because of a little shit, right?

That’s the argument I use to justify why you should try Unleashed. The speedy daytime stages are such an absolutely perfect blend of visual beauty, complexly branched level design, and insane speed that they vastly overshadow the game’s problems. Unleashed truly revolutionized the franchise in a stunning revitalization effort most long-running series are never fortunate enough to receive. Not to mention, the game has incredible cutscenes (the CGI is Pixar tier) and a cohesive, logically written story that puts recent Sonic games to shame. Top all that off with one of the series’ best soundtracks and you have a certified gem on your hands.

Unleashed is definitely for you if:

You have the most aggressive need for speed and are sick of being relegated to car games
Miss the days when SEGA went all-in on big-budget, blockbuster Sonic experiences
Love ambitious platformers that swing for the fences with bold design choices

Unleashed may not be for you if:

You don’t want to indulge a cute but only middlingly satisfying God of War knockoff for a large chunk of your overall playtime
You dislike games that are so fuckin’ fast that one poorly timed blink will send you straight to the gulag

The badass version of Sonic Unleashed referenced in this article is available on PS3, Xbox 360, Xbox One, and Xbox Series X & S. The less incredible, but still fun, “reduced” version is available on Nintendo Wii and PS2. The Gameloft-produced mobile version is available on some Android APK download site somewhere since God knows that port is all but lost to the ages.

E3 Pulls Out of E3 2023

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

Months ahead of its planned return to a physical event, several sources have confirmed that E3 will no longer be a part of E3 2023.

On March 30, IGN reported that E3 2023 has pulled out of E3 2023, canceling the event due to lack of “sustained interest”. This announcement comes after Sony, Nintendo, Microsoft, and Ubisoft confirmed that they would not hold presentations at the event this year.

Perhaps the showrunners, the Entertainment Software Association, saw the writing on the wall when even Ubisoft decided their latest Assassin’s Creed copy-paste job was too good for the function.

E3’s absence from this year’s E3 was confirmed in an email to its members and organizers, which states that this year’s event “simply did not garner the sustained interest necessary to execute it in a way that would showcase the size, strength, and impact of our industry.”

The email also states that E3 “remains a beloved event and brand,” though no official sources have confirmed this to be true.

This year’s event intended to herald the return of the annual conference to a physical format with in-person attendance. E3 was previously absent from E3 in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic. They later held a digital-only presentation for E3 2021, but was absent once again during the following year in 2022. Though E3 previously confirmed to be attending E3 2023 on June 13th through June 16th at the Los Angeles Convention Center, this is no longer the case.

In lieu of E3 presentations, video game publishers will instead focus on hosting their own digital events via Directs and online conferences that literally anyone can watch at home for free while in their pajamas. As of this writing, there is no news on when the next Nintendo Direct, State of Play, or Microsoft conference will take place, but realistically, one will be announced a day or two before it actually happens.

So is this the end of E3? Who knows – but don’t forget that Dave’s Garage is always open.

Man Really Relates to Stick Figure Who Beats the Crap Out of Coworkers

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local man Woody Steele reportedly finds the Devolver Digital game Stick It to the Stickman “very relatable,” according to terrified sources who work closely with him.

“Look, I love Spider-Man and God of War and all that shit. But at the end of the day, I’m not a Greek god, I don’t have a son to look after, I have no powers, and I have no responsibility. The video game that I relate to more than anything in the world is the one where you play as a guy who beats the shit out of his co-workers. And that’s Stick It to the Stickman,” Steele explained. “When I get home from a grueling day at the office, there’s nothing I love to do more than loosen my tie, unwind, and play as a stick avatar of myself, slicing through hundreds upon hundreds of stick figures that I pretend are the people at my job who annoy me all day. Is that so bad?”

Close sources reveal that Steele has not been particularly subtle about his desire to beat the crap out of those he works with.

“He’s constantly talking about how much he loves that game. It’s like, yeah, we get it. We’re the enemies,” said Caitlin Castro, who works in the cubicle next to Steele’s. “One time he picked up a stapler and I thought he was actually gonna throw it at me for real. I don’t think video games cause real world violence or anything, but it’s a little freaky to say the least. But I guess it’s good that he has an outlet to let those feelings out that doesn’t hurt anyone in the real world. Also it’s good that he can’t do a kamehameha in the real world, either.”

“It’s a cool game; I get it. I also enjoyed bulldozing through fifty stick figures that I could pretend were the people at HR who haven’t approved my salary bump yet,” she added. “But that’s not the kind of escapism I want in my life. When I get home from work, I’m not trying to imagine murdering all my co-workers — I’m trying to relax. That’s why I’m playing Call of Duty and imagining murdering enemy combatants in a war simulator.”

Steele claims it has helped his productivity, however.

“It makes it a lot easier to get through the day knowing I can go home and take out my frustrations on the sticks. It’s just the sticks!” he said. “Ever since I found an old copy of the game, I’ve gotten Employee of the Month four months in a row. When the new HD version comes out, I feel like I’ll end up being CEO of this place.”

At press time, one of Steele’s co-workers went crazy and tried to attack someone, but was thankfully thwarted when Steele backflipped over the wall of a cubicle and expertly smashed him in the head with a computer monitor, shocking onlookers and himself.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Check out the demo of Stick It to the Stickman on Steam to imagine YOURSELF beating up all your co-workers!

Tetris Film Release Date Pushed Back While Producers Wait for a Line Piece

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — Producers of the upcoming film about Tetris have opted to delay the release until a line piece appears in an effort to boost their scores, sources indicate.

“We could drop it now and get what we get,” said executive producer Ron Howard, carefully examining the demographic metrics and organizing the release schedule so as to leave a space for a line piece. “But if we hold out just a little longer, build up the middle more, when we finally drop that line and get that Tetris… You know we’re gonna get that little castle to take off in the ending ceremony. And that’s how you make a hit picture.”

Director Jon Baird disagreed with the production team’s strategy, believing the film is pushing the release date too far, perhaps becoming so backed up as to reach critical levels.

“As various pieces [of Apple’s streaming library] continue piling up, eventually they’ll reach the top and we’ll have to give up,” Baird explained as Korobeiniki echoed in the distance at a faster tempo than previously heard. “We’re going straight to streaming, we didn’t get that much advertising, and we have to go up against another biopic from the same era that has Matt and Ben — we can’t afford to wait for a line piece! The line piece is famously extremely difficult to work with and we’re better off without that toxic prima donna.”

Apple executives appeared nervous, but still backed the controversial decision.

“We are currently crushing it at Apple+. Between Severence, Ted Lasso, and Shrinking, we are all extremely confident and trusting our collective instincts that that line will arrive as expected,” CEO Tim Cook stated confidently. “And if it doesn’t, that’s fine too — no shame in restarting the whole process from scratch. I remain excited to fill in that high [streaming] score and take down ‘AAA’ once and for all. Every time I close my eyes, I see the entirety of the Tetris movie still playing out before me.”

At press time, Tetris star Taron Egerton was reportedly stepping up to cover for the missing line piece by learning how to perform a T-spin, which he insisted stands for “Taron spin.”

Indie Game ‘Terra Nil’ About Revitalizing Neglected Ecosystem Played in Most Disgusting Apartment You’ve Ever Seen

Posted on March 29, 2023 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Upon the release of Devolver Digital’s new ‘reverse city builder’ Terra Nil, players everywhere have enjoyed revitalizing neglected ecosystems — many of them from the most disgusting apartments known to man.

“I love the serene, satisfying feeling of slowly rebuilding this destroyed landscape and making it beautiful. I just wade through the heaps of dirty laundry on my floor, swat away the Milky Way wrappers blocking my monitor, and start up the game,” said Terra Nil player Jacob Mayhew. “It’s really fun to clean this desolate wasteland bit by bit, all curled-up and cozy in my bed-frameless mattress lying right on my filthy shag carpet.”

Other prospective players are reportedly unable to play the game due to their dirty lifestyle.

“I had to just wishlist the game because the city is making me clear out my bedroom that they call a ‘massive fire-hazard that will cause imminent death,’” said Steam user Brian Phillipson. “I’m a simple guy; I love playing these cute, soothing games about cleaning things up, as long as it’s completely fictional and the cleaning provides me no actual benefit to my life or organization.”

“I may be surrounded by garbage,” the hoarder continued, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy over 100 hours logged in Unpacking.”

The game’s developers elaborated on what inspired the game’s basic gameplay loop.

“I went over to another game dev’s loft to brainstorm some new ideas, and before we could even start, he had to meticulously clean his entire room for both of us to even be able to sit down,” said creative director Evan Greenwood. “Watching him clear up his repulsive home gave me this weird calming feeling, as I saw him have to ration the little cleaning supplies and clean towels that he had to get the entire job done. I realized that would be the perfect feeling for a strategy indie game.”

At press time, sources reported that several Terra Nil players were struggling to boot up the game after being unable to find the application in their ruinously cluttered desktop page.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital. Yes, you should clean your room a little bit. BUT, once you do that, you can REWARD YOURSELF by grabbing Terra Nil on Steam and playing a whole bunch of that game. It’s fun!

Guy Complaining About Crime in NYC Clearly Talking About Spider-Man Game

Posted on March 29, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

LARCHMONT, N.Y. — A man who has spent months ranting about crime in New York City appears to be sourcing all of his anecdotes from Marvel’s Spider-Man for PlayStation 4, local sources confirmed.

“The other day when I was downtown, I saw a bunch of thugs standing outside of a shop talking about how they were gonna break in,” said Adam Sutton, who said he never leaves Westchester despite telling multiple stories that took place in the city. “I swear, the stuff you see these days makes you want to web a guy to the wall, just like those backpacks you see everywhere. Society has totally degenerated.”

Sutton’s co-worker Eric LaRiviere, who noted he has visited New York on several occasions but would never want to live there, said he eventually noticed inconsistencies in the stories.

“Right away, the idea of the NYPD having a network of towers that can automatically detect and report crime didn’t ring true to me,” said LaRiviere. “I was even more skeptical when he told me that he had hacked into the towers so that he could personally track crimes throughout the city. Finally, he started going on about a mad scientist with four robot arms on his back, and I connected the dots. He must not have played the Miles Morales expansion, though, because he never brings up arms deals or cyberattacks. It’s too bad. I liked that better than the base game.”

Native New Yorker Sal Tesoriero says that he knew Sutton’s claims were fabricated right away.

“Listen, I’ve lived in this city my whole life. It’d take more than some stories from a video game to fool me,” said Tesoriero. “Right away, he started talking about the Village, but he kept calling it ‘Green-wich.’ When I asked him what he was even doing there in the first place, he said he was trying to get a picture of something called the ‘Sanctum Sanctorum.’ I know this town like the back of my hand and I’ve never heard of that place.”

Just before press time, New York City mayor Eric Adams held a press conference to announce the immediate closure of 14 library branches. He stated the money saved would provide funding for the NYPD to inspect the trunk of every car in the city following rumors of a spate of kidnappings.

CoD Modern Warfare 2 Raid Guide: Atomgrad Ep 02 Walkthrough

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Noah Hunter

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 has released its next Raid, Atomgrad EP. 02. Players will need to work together to complete the objectives, solve puzzles, and survive the onslaught of enemies to finish this Raid. Here is our Atomgrad EP 02 Raid guide to help you complete this raid in COD Modern Warfare 2.

If you need help getting started, be sure to check out our general raid guide to find out how to start raids in MW2!

Atomgrad EP 02 Raid Guide: Navigating the Silo

Right after the opening cutscene, you will spawn into the exact place where EP 01 of the Atomgrad Raid ended. You’ll need to head over to the ladder and climb upwards to the top of the silo. After reaching the top, jump over to the platform on your left and jump to hand off the ledge of the three platforms above your head. Once you’re up, proceed forwards with your weapons ready.

After recouping, you’ll need to proceed through the labyrinth of hallways that lie ahead. Be warned: enemies lurk throughout this area, so you’ll need to ensure your party is prepared and takes out each of the enemies lurking around. For this reason, it’s best that you fully explore each of the hallways and kill all of the enemies. If you choose not to, they can sneak up on you from behind in the next area of the raid.

To find the way out, look for the red arrows spray painted on the walls. These will generally lead you to where you need to go. At the end of the area, you will encounter a wall of pipes exhausting steam. This will slow you down, so make a break for it and burst forwards right after the pipes stop emitting anything.

Atomgrad EP 02 Raid Guide: How to Solve the Steam Puzzle

Once you reach the next floor, you will see a puzzle awaiting you. Before you can do anything, however, you’ll need to take down a Juggernaut. He will spawn in right next to the hallway you came out of along with other troops, so be sure to take him down to earn yourself a minigun! You’ll need to head over to the ladder and climb upwards to the top of the silo. When climbing, however, you will see that there is steam blocking your path upwards. In order to navigate past this, one player must stay behind to turn the valve just to the left of the ladder and platforms.

Once the steam is redirected, the player will need to jump from the ladder to the platforms and navigate to the left. Before they reach the top though, the valve must be turned again to redirect the steam once more. This will allow the player climbing to reach the very top and proceed onwards. Be sure to jump appropriately, as it is quite easy to miss the platform and fall off the edge of the floor entirely.

So, to recap:

Player 1 must climb the ladder to the top and wait for Player 2 to turn the valve at the bottom.
Once the valve is turned, P1 jumps over to the platforms and continues upwards.
Player 2 turns valve again to redirect the steam that blocks the final platform.
Player 1 navigates to the top platform and is finished.

This process will be repeated with Player 2 and 3, however, things will change once only one player remains at the bottom of the ladder. At this moment, Player 3 must follow the same steps as P1 and P2, except one of the players at the top will turn the valve at the final platform. This acts the same as the valve from below, but instead it will allow your final party member to move upwards and join the other two members.

Once everyone is up, crawl under the platform in front of you and squat to enter the circular opening past that. Proceeding through here, you will eventually drop into another level. Drop down and hang a right through the open door. Following the set of stairs, you will encounter the next puzzle! Before doing anything though, be sure to attack and kill the enemies that will be shooting at you across the long hallway.

How to Navigate the Vent Puzzle

Upon entering this room, you will encounter a control panel. To operate it, all members of your team must press one button each at the same time. There are three buttons in total, each laid out next to each other. Upon activating this, the closest vent on the left will pop open, followed by three more behind it. You will need to navigate across the vents, only one person on one vent at a time. If you have more than one person on any vent at any given time, the vent will close, and you will fall to your death.

After you navigate this first vent section, rappel upwards to the next section, which (surprise) contains a similar vent puzzle. The difference here is that the vents open differently and you must navigate through the across the corridor. After reaching the last vent on the left, jump to the right where the yellow pipe begins and you will be met with an open vent. After landing on this and jumping onto the yellow pipe, run to the top of the pipe and proceed throughout the rest of the vent obstacle course.

Once reaching the end of the vents, rendezvous with all of your team members at the blue door. From here, you’ll head into a room and jump down into a new tunnel to proceed further into the Silo. Be careful as you navigate this section though, as there are enemies awaiting you.

Along the way, you will encounter a room that serves as an armory. Here, there are ammo restocks, armor restocks, dozens of weapons, and plenty of molotovs and grenades. Use this as a chance to refuel and fill up your armor and ammo reserves. Additionally, why not grab a shotgun lying on the ground or a punching SMG hanging on the wall? Pick a weapon that suits you best if your current loadout isn’t cutting it.

The next room can be quite tricky, so enter as a unit and be prepared to take out the dozens of enemies awaiting you. After you enter and clear the first floor, use the paracord to ascend to the next platform.

Immediately after rising up, take cover behind a wall or pallet to eliminate the enemies that rain fire from above. These enemies can easily kill you if you aren’t being careful. When you’ve got the enemies taken care of, look for the ramp that has the red arrow on it and run along it to jump onto the above platform. Vault upwards a few times and get to the next floor.

Immediately upon arriving to this floor, there will be enemies shooting at you. You probably missed these earlier, so do take them down so they will not halt you from progressing. Whatever you do though, do not ascend upwards on the rope. There is a fire from above that will instantly fry you if you don’t take care of it first.

How to Put Out the Pipe Fire

To get the fire put out and start ascending, one of your party members needs to head to the right of the floor entrance. Here, you will find a valve similar to the ones found earlier in the mission.

This valve unfortunately does not permanently stop the fire, so you’ll need to time it perfectly with your ascent. With player 1 there to turn the valve, P2 and P3 are now able to ascend. The following steps are all you need to solve this puzzle:

Have Player 1 sit at the valve and Player 2 (or Player 3) underneath the cord ready to ascend.
P1 should turn out the valve and signal for P2 or P3 (whoever is ascending) to immediately press ascend.
Repeat for the remaining player (P2 or P3).
Once both players not at the valve are up, P1 needs to head to position themselves ready to ascend. There is a corresponding valve to stop the flames at the higher floor where P2 & P3 are.
One of the players above should turn the valve and signal for P1 to ascend.

It should be noted that the players ascending first must be ready to fight when above, as there are plenty of enemies ready to fight once you have ascended. They will be both on you side of the building and across the way, which will require an AR. Once all of your party is up, head to the door in the tunnel and take a left from there. You’ll then trigger the door to open.

After hitting the button and opening the door, plenty of enemies will be waiting to strike. This section has a main hallway with small hiding spots on your left and right. Be careful as you progress forwards and make sure to eliminate all of the enemies. At the end of the hall, jump down the chute to enter to the puzzle awaiting outside.

The Third Vent Puzzle: Modern Warfare 2 Atomgrad EP 02 Guide

The third vent puzzle is the longest one by far and can be quite tricky if you’re not sure what you’re doing.

Like the previous vent puzzles, head to the control panel first and have all members press one button at the same time. From there, navigate the vent puzzle as you did previously by only having one person on the vent at a time. For this puzzle especially, ensure you are working quickly as if you take too long the last person might not have enough time to complete the course. This course is in a ‘U’ shape.

After completing the course, the next section lies beyond the blue doors. Enter the doors and you will enter the flashlight section of the raid. Here, the entire area is pitch black and you’ll need to clear all the enemies. There will be various areas for you to drop down, which you will continue to do until you find a staircase to fall onto. Here, be prepared for a large wave of enemies that includes a Juggernaut.

It’s super easy to die here, so hide behind a pillar or in a room and peek your gun out to shoot. This will give your body the most protection possible from incoming fire. After knocking down the Juggernaut and friends, you’ll be able to enter the final resting area, which is another armory. Make sure to load up on plenty of ammo and armor.

How to Solve The Gas Puzzle – Atomgrad Ep 02 Modern Warfare 2 Guide

The final puzzle can be quite tricky. Each member will have a unique role, which means you’ll need to closely follow the guide below to ensure you complete this puzzle. You will be on a timer for this, so quickly work to move all three of your members in and out of the gas obstacle course. To give a quick overview, there are three different terminals. One of these controls the ventilation system, which will remove the gas. The second controls the fans, which will turn off the fans and allow someone to pass through them. Finally, the door control system opens up the door leading into the gas and the door leading out of the gas.

Before starting this puzzle, make sure to wipe out all of the enemies that will spawn in. These will come from above in most cases, while some will enter from the ground floor occasionally. Here are the steps to completing this puzzle:

Player 1 should head to the door leading into the gas. Player 2 should be at the door terminal. Finally, Player 3 should be at the gas terminal.
P3 needs to press the button to remove the gas from the chamber, and immediately after P2 needs to open the door. From here, P1 should run in and navigate as fast as possible through the course. At this time, P3 needs to run to the fan terminal.
Once P1 reaches the fans, P3 needs to activate the fan terminal.
After P1 moves through the fans and reaches the final door, P2 needs to activate the door terminal again for P1 to be able to access the final room.

At this point, P1 needs to clear all the enemies in the new room. There are a lot of them, but this player needs to finish them off before proceeding forward with the next player.

Once P1 is finished with the enemies, the player needs to move to the door terminal (back left of the room). P2 needs to move to the door before the gas chamber and P3 needs to be at the gas terminal.
P3 needs to activate the gas terminal, with P1 immediately opening the door for P2 afterwards. P3 moves to fan terminal now, while P1 remains at door terminal.
Once P2 is at fans, P3 needs to activate fan terminal.
At the end of the course, P1 needs to open the door one more time for P2 to escape.

After P2 is united with P1, the two players will need to knock out the plenty of enemies ready to spawn in. Once this is done, repeat the first process that initially happened with P3, who is still on the other side of the room before the gas chamber.

All three of you once united will have more enemies to deal with before you can progress to the escape portion of the mission. You’ll need to plant explosives to progress to this section, which will be done on this wall here.

After breaking this wall, it’s time to run! You’ll need to outrun the gas while plowing through the dozens of enemies in your way. Prioritize running over shooting but do shoot anyone in your way. Shooting too many enemies can cause the gas to catch up to you, which ends the raid in failure.

At the end of the hallway, you’ll see a prompt to close the airlock. Press this button and a cutscene will play, ending the raid! Depending on how you did in the raid, you’ll earn a reward that you can utilize in your locker.

That wraps up our Atomgrad EP 02 raid guide! Looking for help on EP 01 of the Atomgrad Raid? Check out our walkthrough here!

If Halo is a Warthog, Microsoft is the Team Killer Driving It Off a Cliff

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Samuel Moreno

To call the Halo franchise influential is an understatement. Not only did the original game ensure Microsoft and the Xbox were a success in the console gaming space, but it established many basic genre staples such as recharging health and teabagging. Subsequent entries cemented it as the most popular and best-selling Xbox-exclusive IP.

However, there’s no denying that the reputation has become a bit muddied over the last decade. It feels like most fans and their mothers will tell you Halo’s been on a harsh decline ever since 343 Industries took over, even though they’ve been managing Halo longer than its predecessor Bungie and released multiple financially-successful works. Halo’s history has become complicated by various factors and Microsoft certainly hasn’t done what it could to treat the franchise better.

I won’t argue that 343 Industries is completely free of blame. Halo: The Master Chief Collection was released in a broken state that took years to fix. Halo 5: Guardians launched without key features on top of a divisive campaign story. Halo Infinite seemed to start off in a decent state for a live-service game, but it soon became apparent that the team couldn’t keep up with the expected flow of content for six months, much less the purported 10 years. Most of these issues reek of poor management, and former employees corroborate that.

While it’s murky whether the management issues are purely from 343 Industries or is being bled into from Microsoft, we do know that the latter hasn’t provided the best foundation. Case and point is their scummy tactic of employing a lot of contractors and dropping them after 18 months so that they don’t have to hire them.

An article from Bloomberg estimated that half the studio was composed of rotating 18-month contractors. Contract work isn’t an anomaly in the games industry, but having so many limited time workers on a project with years of development time and poor management can easily lead to many of the issues with Halo Infinite. I won’t pretend I know everything, but between providing more workers with respectable wages or letting your biggest release come out underbaked, I’d assume the investment is better to prevent the latter from happening.

These shop prices certainly haven’t helped.

For fans, it’s confusing how mismanagement has remained a recurring problem. Halo isn’t just another Xbox franchise – it’s THE Xbox franchise and it’s kept that status among other growing exclusives. How can Microsoft not step in and course correct their flagship franchise?

The most simple answer would be that business is good! Why fix what’s still selling? As much as some will beg for the Bungie days from over a decade ago, many of those people have kept buying in with each new entry. It’s a bit like the Sonic cycle, only the games have been more successful and the fans shit on the developers more.

Halo Infinite was the only uncertain one because we don’t know the precise metrics Microsoft was looking to surpass for a partially F2P live-service game that’s fully offered through Xbox Game Pass. A recent interview with Xbox Game Studios’ CEO Phil Spencer seemed to suggest it only had a strong launch though. Evidently, not enough people bought the high priced cosmetics aside from the totally wallet-friendly $10 cat ear helmet bundles.

Microsoft obviously knew that there were issues since the project would end up being pushed back a year. As much as we wish people remembered Twitter’s favorite Shigeru Miyamoto quote, that single delay did look bad to many and you’d assume they would have kept a closer eye to make sure everything would be good to go for launch and beyond. If there’s anything worth intervening for it would be this! A Halo game can’t be subpar.

Yet, Halo Infinite absolutely was. The delayed title launched with far fewer maps than previous entries and featured only two stretched out seasons of content for the first year. A live-service version of your biggest brand that just so happens to be a first-person shooter should be a near-perfect recipe for success. It shouldn’t be fumbled worse than me playing Oddball.

Delays can be good. Delays helped Craig.

With such obvious issues, you’d think Microsoft would intervene. Maybe make some exceptions and properly hire people.

But that’s not the kind of choice they’d make because they’re more akin to the team-killing griefer trying to load up on betrayals, i.e. by laying off 10,000 employees. Unsurprisingly, 343 Industries also took a hit from the recent layoff wave. As much as they want to assure that the series is in good hands with the studio, it’s hard to believe it after they let go of people who want to contribute.

This leads us to the franchises’ future, which is as uncertain as whoever the hell the Endless are. Ongoing shakeups on the topside of the studio could lead to some improvements in the future. Reports that they’re switching to the universal Unreal Engine could also cut down on educating new staff.

However, it’s difficult to not feel uneasy. Is it time for another soft reboot? Would a new entry under the studio be accepted when so much horrible fan vitriol remains directed at the developers? Do any changes matter when Microsoft treats its flagship title and its employees with as much respect as the Halo TV show treated its characters? Will there be any respect left when the far more successful Call of Duty series is set to come under the Microsoft umbrella?

Before we decide how we feel about the next entry, maybe it’s time that we scrutinize Microsoft a little more. It’s also probably a good opportunity for the studio to finally rebrand itself away from a character that betrayed players twice.

Dry Bones Has Panic Attack at Xylophone Recital

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

ROGUEPORT — Noted Bowser minion Dry Bones experienced a frightening mental breakdown during a student’s performance at a local xylophone recital, sources in attendance confirmed.

“I had seen him earlier, before the show started. I guess his nephew had a showcase today,” said Paul Traverso, father of one of the recital’s performers. “I had totally forgotten he was here until this one kid played a wonky descending scale, and suddenly all hell broke loose. Dry Bones just started screaming and charged the stage. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but the guy totally lost it. I mean, he really fell to pieces.”

Security at the event had difficulty subduing the skeletal turtle, with one guard describing the incident as difficult and frustrating.

“It was a real struggle to hold him back,” said Curtis Rojas, an employee of Glitz Pit Security. “I could get him down to the floor pretty easily, but right when I thought he was finished, he would pull himself together and stand back up. It honestly felt a little unfair, like it was breaking some kind of unwritten rule about everything I’ve experienced in this career. Every other enemy I’ve encountered has just stayed defeated, so I don’t understand why things were different this time.”

A recorded livestream of the event revealed what Dry Bones was screaming while fighting security and attempting to mount the stage.

“You don’t know what it’s like!” shrieked the fleshless Koopa. “No one fucking knows! You all say, ‘What’s the matter, Dry Bones? What are you worried about? You can’t die!’ Well, you know what’s worse than death? Lying there helplessly while a chubby guy in overalls murders all of your friends! You just have to watch! And every single time it happens, you hear that sound! Why? Why would you teach a child to play that sound? I might be a horrific skeleton beast, but you’re the real monsters!”

Organizers of the event reported that the recital continued after Dry Bones had been removed, only to be interrupted again when Yoshi left the auditorium to take a phone call and Baby Mario started crying.