BRIDGEWATER, N.J. — Sbarro has once again been voted “Best Pizza for People Already at the Mall for GameStop Reasons” by the readers of the food blog Pizzaperlatives.
“Some people thought being mocked on The Office was as good as it would get for us,” began Sbarro CEO David Karam as he accepted this year’s award in the Bridgewater Commons food court, surrounded by empty tables and the occasional shrieking child. “But people like you remind us every year that there is no such thing as bad press. And that’s coming from a company that’s filed for bankruptcy twice. We love our customers, we love gamers, and we love that you’ll pay New York prices no matter where you are.”
A rocky financial history and food quality described alternately by Pizzaperlatives’ own readers as “mid” and “it was either this or diabetic shock” haven’t stopped Sbarro from winning this vote in fourteen out of the last fifteen years. Olive Garden’s 2017 write-in victory for its Kids Pizza has since been widely discredited as a case of ironic vote brigading.
“Yeah, Sbarro is fine. I don’t know,” said Pete Sobotka, a 28-year-old Sbarro customer with a plushie-packed GameStop shopping bag on his lap. “I don’t really do ‘outside’ like that, so when I have to schlep all the way here for a Pokémon giveaway that could’ve been done online, having a relatively edible cheesy treat available under the same roof really takes the edge off.”
Pizzaperlatives Editor-in-Chief Tom Attoli blames himself in part for “relatively edible” pizza like Sbarro’s consistently winning what he has long realized is an overly specific award—not unlike “Best Pizza Inexplicably Made Differently at Its College Campus Locations,” another category which Sbarro has quietly dominated for several years.
“The truth is, in the Venn diagram of pizzerias in malls and pizzerias with name recognition, Sbarro’s kind of the only game in town,” Attoli explained. “I mean, what else is there? California Pizza Kitchen? I guess that’s technically pizza, at least in a legal sense. But every year, the voting seems to suggest that people know to steer clear of anything ‘California pizza.’”
California Pizza Kitchen, for its part, has vowed in a press release to do “whatever is necessary” to nab next year’s prize. Its parent company Nestlé has already begun a hostile takeover of GameStop, reportedly with the goal of creating what it calls a “Cricket-like” presence for California Pizza Kitchen in all GameStop mall locations.
REDMOND – Xbox is considering a new pricing strategy for their Game Pass service, charging users a one-time $70 per game fee (only on games they want) instead of a monthly fee, executives at the company confirmed.
“I think gamers would be very thankful to be able to play their games whenever they want,” explained Xbox boss Phil Spencer. “This exciting new pricing strategy will allow our players to keep enjoying their games even after they’re taken off of Game Pass. Not only that, but they’ll be able to choose whether they want to pay for a certain game or skip it and wait for something they’re excited for. These kinds of never-before-seen tactics are why gamers choose us, other than the looming threat of exclusive Elder Scrolls.”
Henry Giorgio, a long-time Game Pass subscriber, said he welcomed the possible change with open arms.
“I kinda like the idea of just picking the games I want and paying for those”, said Giorgio. “The freedom of choice is like no other. It can get really embarrassing paying for a month to play a new game and it ends up being Redfall. I’ll be sure to never make that mistake again.”’
Developers across the gaming industry have been enthusiastic at the rumors, believing that the pay-as-you-play model will serve for bigger revenues.
“People are too snooty to buy an indie game that costs more than twenty bucks, but they’ll sure as hell pay for Game Pass to play it,” said one indie developer who wished to remain anonymous in fear of professional retaliation. “We worked on our latest game for seven years only for it to be shat out in the same lineup as five Call of Duty games and some Paw Patrol shovelware. Maybe if they know our game is the one they’re paying for, they’ll actually go out and play it for once.”
Xbox’s main competitors at Sony have been relieved at the possible price change, believing that if they follow suit they can stop pretending to give a shit about the Playstation Plus catalog.
VAGUELY MESOAMERICA —An ominous message carved into an obelisk in the temple-cum-catacomb-cum-aqueduct of an ancient indigenous city-state has been translated neatly into English as a jaunty rhyming verse, according to sources familiar with the dig.
“Nobody actually tells you how easy it is to resurrect a dead language,” commented proto-linguistics expert Ramon Serra when his team announced the findings. “Variable sentence structure, gendered language, gaps in meanings, that’s all fake. ‘Just translate the words, idiot!’ So we did. Turns out the temple priestesses weren’t afraid to slap ‘yea!’ and ‘oh!’ everywhere to hit syllable counts on this prophecy.”
“See this character here? Translates directly to ‘global warming,'” he continued. “This one here means ‘if.’ This big one here just means ‘the Devil,’ like, the one from the Bible. Couldn’t make it up if I tried.”
The full text of the world-ending proclamation is being withheld from the public, for what are surely sensible reasons, but Hard Drive has acquired brief excerpts through the coverage of local news sources.
“First line, ‘doom’ and ‘tomb’, that’s a classic; no notes there,” said Gabriela Siquier, an on-air reporter in a township near the historical site. “Then we get into, something something, ‘…skies, you will see; the end of mankind as you know it, it… be.’ Ay, güey, they stretched for that one.”
“Yadda yadda, ‘…sea level, boiling of homes; harken ye fools, as the eschaton comes.’ Wait, wait, ‘homes’ and ‘comes’? That’s some horseshit.”
Though some involved with the project are concerned as to what the message might mean for humanity, academic envoys at the dig site say this is a leap in their cultural research.
“Finally, proof that brow– er, ancient people possessed some level of true developed wisdom!” Ciaran Wickwire, a visiting anthropology scholar from a university in Wolverhampton, was quoted saying. “So insightful, so forward-thinking, that they knew English-speaking white people would inherit the earth and save themselves with this warning! Maybe they really did build this temple without help from the Greys. I’m ready to believe anything.”
At press time, attempts to extract the obelisk for further study have been temporarily halted after a local guide was killed by a poison-daubed arrow fired from the snakelike head of a wall relief.
Are you just now getting through your fifteenth no armor, fists only, level one playthrough of Elden Ring? Are you looking for another challenge? Do you have this aching need to be punished? To have your body broken and your spirit crushed?
First of all, what the hell? Second of all, don’t worry! I have compiled a list of games known for their punishing difficulty, nihilistic atmosphere, or even both. Some of these you’ve probably already heard of or played, though I tried to stay away from the more obvious picks (sorry, Binding of Isaac and Super Meat Boy, everyone already knows who you are) to serve you up some delicious suffering. But be warned: I am going to be judging you the entire time.
#1 — Literally Any Soulslike
Let’s go ahead and get these out of the way. Otherwise, they would take up the whole list and then some. You already know the From Software games: Demon’s Souls, Dark Souls, Bloodborne, etc. You also already know the many games they inspired: Ashen, Nioh, Darksiders III, Lies of P, the list goes on and on. I’m recommending them here, but you’ve probably already played them all, haven’t you? I bet you have. Now that that’s out of the way, we can move on.
#2 — Ghosts ‘n Goblins
A game for people like you. People who mash themselves through Elden Ring and crawl away thinking it just wasn’t BS enough. Sick bastards who never get enough of pain. People Hellraiser would be unsettled by. If you manage to make it all the way to the end of the game, you are rewarded generously. And by generously, I mean by having to replay the entire game on an even higher difficulty to unlock the actual ending. Eat your heart out.
#3 — Blasphemous
If the Lands Between is a bit too cheery for you, you can always hop into the Spanish Catholic-inspired world of Blasphemous. Though not as difficult gameplay-wise, Blasphemousis practically dripping with religious guilt. The main character, The Penitent One, wears a spiked helmet filled with blood. A perfect avatar for you and whatever it is you feel like you need to punish yourself for.
#4 — Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
This quiz game based on the popular game show offers a different kind of pain. The thinking kind. What’s more punishing than the realization that fifth graders are smarter than you? This game will make you realize just how long it’s been since you’ve studied algebra. It turns out lumbering around like a neanderthal grunting the usual four letter words isn’t great for your vocabulary retention. Maybe if you weren’t so busy punishing yourself, you’d have the time to visit a bookstore. For you, I recommend getting something from the Self Help section.
#5 — Scorn
If Scorn’s looks-like-H.R.-Giger-and-Zdzisław-Beksiński-had-a-baby art style is not dreadful enough for you, then don’t worry. The atmosphere is complimented perfectly by the absolutely miserable gameplay. Especially the shooting. One terrible combat sequence and even a filthy little punishment glutton like you will be begging for mercy, or some simple little baby game like Dead Space.
#6 — I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream
An adaptation of the sci-fi horror short story by Harlan Ellison. This is a point-and-click adventure game where you play as a group of humans whose whole purpose is to be tortured physically and psychologically by an Artificial Intelligence who hates mankind. That’s right. You get tortured by an AI who hates you. That’s the game. Most people would play this game and then maybe be a little nicer to ChatGPT or Siri, but not you. This is the future you dream of. Try not to drool all over yourself.
#7 — Disco Elysium
In Disco Elysium, you play as an alcoholic POS who everyone hates for being an alcoholic POS. You stink. Your face gives people the creeps. You’re fat. Your girl left you because you’re such a loser. Everyone insults you. Your own thoughts insult you. Sound like a good time? Sound like a great game for you to play and enjoy? I bet it does. Why do you do this to yourself?
#8 — Spelunky 2
If you enjoy being mercilessly, endlessly battered, then this is the game for you. The cute aesthetics may make you think this game will be a fun and innocent kids game, but when you’re hit by a dart trap onto a snake that knocks you into a pit of spikes, you will realize that you are not in a fun kids game. You are in hell. And you love it.
#9 — Ecco the Dolphin
Speaking of kid games with brutal difficulty, in this game you play as an adorable dolphin on an adventure to reunite with his lost pod of friends. Seems simple enough, right? Wrong. The plot quickly takes a turn into Lovecraftian levels of cosmic horror, involving ancient civilizations, time travel, and a malevolent race of aliens. Not only that, but the game itself is difficult as hell. So difficult that most who play it never get past the first level. Please, pull your pants back up. It might be worth your time to dust off the old Sega Genesis for this one. Or boot up an emulator.
#10 — Enter the Gungeon
Rounding off the cute-but-insanely-tough series of punishing games, we have Enter the Gungeon. In this game, everything is either a gun or a bullet. The enemies are bullets that shoot guns. The guns are guns that shoot bullets. Sometimes the bullets are guns that shoot bullets. Sometimes a bullet shoots a gun that shoots bullets while you shoot back with a gun that shoots guns as bullets that shoot bullets. I can’t make it any clearer than that. The game is hard.
#11 — Uno
Only when your best friend hits you with a Draw 4 will you truly know pain.
#12 — XCOM 2
The cool soldier you’ve spent the past five hours customizing and equipping with the best gear, the soldier with all the best abilities, the soldier with a really cool nickname, will be killed because he missed a point blank shotgun attack with a 95% hit chance. This will cause your rookie soldier to panic, scatter, and get picked off. Your grenadier will get mind controlled and shoot your medic, who will then start to bleed out. This will all happen in the span of two turns. XCOM 2 is vicious in just how quickly things can go wrong. Much like your overall direction in life.
#13 — FemDomination 2
Let’s be honest. There is a pretty good chance that your obsession with mercilessly punishing yourself through brutal video games is a s*x thing. Everything is almost always a s*x thing. So let’s stop pretending and get to the kind of punishment you’re actually looking for. No, I’ve never played this game. I just googled for this type of game and picked a random game I thought you’d be into. Then my work laptop was confiscated and I had a meeting with Human Resources, so thanks for that. Enjoy the game. I hope it gives you the sick kicks you’re looking for.
So there you have it. A bunch of games for you to be battered, beaten, insulted, and humiliated by. Hopefully they should keep you occupied long enough for researchers to discover what exactly is wrong with you. Of course, if you can afford all of these games, you could probably also afford to see a therapist. But we both know you won’t, will you? You are perfectly content writhing in your own blood and tears. You disgust me.
ORLANDO, FL — Tired of online ridicule, embattled YouTuber Dream recently threatened to reveal a deadly second face in the back of his head, sources confirmed.
“I’m not freaking kidding you guys,” the creator yelped in a recent vlog. “You’re making me really mad, and if all you nasty people on my screen don’t stop making things up about me I’m gonna…I’m gonna…”
It was at this point that the video feed became distorted and Dream turned around to reveal his signature Dream mask on the back of his head.
“I’m gonna take my mask off for real this time…” beckoned a vaguely familiar voice, not unlike Dream’s but deeper and with a faint echo. “You thought cheating in speedruns was bad?…You thought making sexually illicit jokes at minors was bad? Hahaha…” laughed the voice. “See what I make this kid do next. See what unyielding horrors his mortal coil can facilitate…”
Reactions to the vlog were mixed. One Dream fan expressed her concern to us about what the cryptic message could mean.
“Oh god. He’s gonna do another song again, isn’t he?” She said, planting her face into her hands. “I wanna be a fan of his, I just…I really don’t think I can go through that again, I really don’t.”
As of press time, dark clouds have begun swirling over the sky near Dream’s residence in Orlando, Florida, as fans begin to worry he has sacrificed Nicholas Cantu to the blood gods in exchange for unspeakable power; or — is in fact, writing another song.
TOKYO, JAPAN — Online communities are buzzing with the heartwarming story that Mario is reportedly still letting Sonic believe that they’re in any kind of real competition.
In a recent interview SEGA executive Osamu Ohasi was quoted saying; “Simply put, I want Sonic to surpass Mario,” before taking another fat hit off the world’s biggest bong. “Sonic was originally developed to compete with Mario, but our goal is really to have Sonic beat Mario, and we believe that day could be right around the corner,” Ohasi continued.
Putting his extremely large bong down to try and regain his eyesight, Ohasi explained; “that’s why we keep hiring the same people who made the bad Sonic games to keep doing that over and over again. Sure Sonic Mania was a hit, but have you ever heard that theory about monkeys and typewriters and Shakespeare? I’m confident these guys will crack the code eventually, and we’ll have our Hamlet. I bet it’ll involve the Werehog somehow!”
When asked about SEGA execs’ push to have Sonic surpass him, Mario was unsurprisingly humble.
“I like-a-Sonic! It’s-a-good when he goes fast!” he said in a somewhat muted tone. “If-a-the SEGA men want him to beat me, that will be fun! We’re-a-doing the olympics again soon, and even though I’ve won every single event in the past 15 years, maybe this could be his year!”
When asked about Sonic’s inability to defeat Mario even in events that he should excel at like the 100m sprint, Mario again played it down. “When you run that fast for that long, I think-a-your legs start to give out. Pace-a-yourself, Sonic! Then you’ll have more energy to practice your hammer throw! Wahoo!”
Mario continued to make concessions for Sonic’s inability to outperform him in any task, including downplaying reports of his poor performance in bed; stating that it’s a testament to his impressive speed that he’s able to finish that quickly.
Evansville, IN – Police are asking for help tracking down a delinquent nine-year-old who used a fake ID to purchase a game rated for individuals older than her.
The child, Susie Tribonni, has a warrant out for her arrest after she managed to buy a copy of Pikmin 4 using what looked like a state-issued ID that claimed she was 11 years of age.
“I knew somethin’ was fishy about that kid,” claimed Michael Stuglolz, the unfortunate GameStop employee who waited on Tribonni. “Like, I could tell she was uneasy, but I didn’t really have a leg to stand on; she was a young kid, and I thought she had the proper identification. Just goes to show that you can never trust someone these days, even kids buying friggin’ video games.”
Stuglolz was questioned by officer Mick Noltee, a 15-year veteran of the Evansville Police Department, who said he’s had to deal with offenses like this more frequently in the past few years.
“It’s honestly sad to see” explained Noltee, who said the community had changed quite a bit since he first started on the force. “Kids these days are becoming criminal masterminds before they’ve even left kindergarten. Any youngster can go online and find ten different YouTube clips that show how to make fake I.D.s, and it looks like that’s what happened here.
“Tribonni broke the law because she wasn’t properly taught that a fantasy sci-fi adventure game where you control herds of sapient aliens that carry out tasks for you is too much for anyone under the age of ten to understand. Once we find her, we’ll be sure she learns that lesson.”
As of press time, Tribonni was still at large, and police are warning the public that she could be armed with a copy of Sonic Frontiers.
Black Friday might as well be a holy day for us gamers. It’s the time of year when prices finally go down and we can rationalize getting more video games instead of bettering ourselves. It’s a sale, after all, and we’re getting a deal. No matter how many games we’re still currently playing, not buying more on Black Friday is a slap in the face to the consoles that love us more than our distant parents ever will. So to help me manage my time better, I’ve decided to rank all the games I bought on sale based on how likely it is that I’ll ever play them.
But to be serious, I just needed a spare Xbox game case.
#11 — Everybody 1-2-Switch
I’m not gonna lie, this was a last-minute impulse purchase. I saw the cover with the horse head guy and thought it was a sex thing and having recently watched Eyes Wide Shut I thought this could improve my chances to get invited to an orgy. I’ve since learned that it’s just a mediocre collection of mini-games that you have to play with other people, with no sex involved whatsoever. Since I’m a games writer, I have no IRL friends to play this with even if I wanted to, and if I’d rather not be waggling my joy-con alone at home all day. Hard pass.
#10 — Gran Turismo 7
To be honest, I’m not a fan of Gran Turismo. I’m a Forza guy. The last Gran Turismo I bought was Gran Turismo Sport and I returned that within a week. I might try this out eventually to see if it will make me a fan of the series, but I doubt it will. What I really bought this for is an emergency preparedness plan for if I ever become destitute. Should that ever happen to me, I will simply play this game for a bit. That will make me a better professional driver than anyone in the world, at which point I will prove to David Harbour that I’m not just some loser gamer and he’ll coach me to victory in the Le Mans race.
#9 — Hogwarts Legacy
This is another game I didn’t set out to buy. I heard there was a Nerf video game so I asked the dude at GameStop for that but I guess he misheard me and gave me the Terf video game instead. He threw it in the bag with all the other games so I didn’t notice until it was too late. I’ve never really been a big Harry Potter fan to begin with. I didn’t read the books as a kid, and I only saw the first movie which I didn’t like. All I know about it is that it’s popular enough for people to play polo while pretending to be flying on broomsticks without getting beaten up. The gameplay looks okay, but not something that stands out over the hundreds of other games I have in my daunting backlog. I might boot it up one day just to create a trans character and see if the game somehow crashes.
#8 — Dead Space
The main thing holding me back from playing this is the winter season. It gets dark really early now, and there’s no way I’m gonna play this while it’s dark out. I simply don’t have that many pairs of underwear to go through and I don’t want to do laundry all the time. By the time we change the clocks back to a reasonable hour, I may forget I even own this. Maybe if John Carpenter stops smoking weed and playing Assassin’s Creed long enough to make a Dead Space movie, that will be the reminder I need, but until then, there are simply too many variables.
#7 — Dreamworks All-Star Kart Racing
All hail the return of the mediocre licensed kart racer! A staple of my childhood has made its long-awaited return and I couldn’t be more excited. Now, I already own Mario Kart 8 and so do all my friends so there’s no way anyone is gonna play this with me unless I Buffalo Bill them, which I really would rather not do. I just want to feel like a kid again. I want to be transported to a time when cash grabs were enough to keep me entertained for hours at a time. Who needs therapy when you have terrible games that remind you of the innocence of your youth? So while in all likelihood I’ll never end up touching this, I may try it out solo just for my own sake. Then again, trapping my friends in a well until they play it with me doesn’t sound too bad.
#6 — Immortals of Aveum
This is the most “fake game from a movie” I’ve ever seen. The whole thing looks like a tech demo. Even the cover art looks like something from a fake poster in a different game. Even the name seems fake. Immortals of Aveum is the title of an in-universe fantasy series in something that didn’t get clearance to mention Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones. If you asked ChatGPT to come up with a cool fantasy game, it would probably be something like this. So naturally, I must have it. I must know whether it will live up to how fake it looks, or if it will end up being kind of cool. With that in mind, I have every intention to play this eventually, but with so many other games to play, it’s possible this continuously gets bumped down the list for all eternity.
#5 — Paw Patrol World
Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, we’ll be there on the double
Whenever there’s a problem around Adventure Bay
Ryder and his team of pups will come and save the day
Marshall, Rubble, Chase, Chucky, Zuma, Skye
They’re on the way
Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, whenever you’re in trouble
Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, we’ll be there on the double
No job’s too big, no pups too small
Paw Patrol, we’re on the roll
So here we go
Paw Patrol, whoa
Paw Patrol, whoa, oh-oh
Paw Patrol
This game will be crap, will feature no challenge whatsoever and I’ll love every minute of its two-hour playtime.
#4 — Kirby’s Return to Dreamland Deluxe
I love Kirby and I’m sure you do too. He’s cute, he’s cuddly and he’s down to suck and blow literally anything and anyone. He can also kill God with relative ease and it’s nice to feel powerful in a video game sometimes. Kirby games are always charming, chill adventures. I’ve never played the original Kirby’s Return to Dreamland and have been meaning to get this for a while. I truly think it’s only a matter of time before I do get to this, but will all the other games I have to get through, it could be relatively soon or it could be years from now. It will happen eventually though. After all, video games are like relationships– sometimes you just need a big suck.
#3 — Starfield
Full disclosure, I have already played a bit of this on GamePass. When it first came out, I played it for five hours and stopped for other games. I fully planned to come back to it and that’s why I bought it. I love Bethesda games. I love their jank, I love their funny glitches, and I love exploring their worlds. I don’t care that they haven’t changed their design philosophy in two decades, I don’t care that every other game they release is Skyrim and I don’t care that Todd Howard most likely feasts on the souls of burned-out devs to maintain his youthful glow and cool pastor energy. I love Bethesda games and I’m sure I’ll love this.
#2 — Forspoken
No, Forspoken being ranked this high is not a joke, I am genuinely interested in playing this. It looks fun, I’ve always thought it looks fun. You can yell into your screen all you want about the dialogue, but I have a news flash for you: most video games, even the really good ones, have bad dialogue. The “Jill Sandwich” line from Resident Evil is celebrated among gamers, but this game having quips is supposedly a sin. I would say that’s maybe that’s because these quips are being delivered by a woman of color but gamers have never been known to show racial or gender bias so that couldn’t be it. I for one can’t wait to experience the exaggerated swagger of a black woman with magical bracelets.
#1 — Doki Doki Literature Club Plus
As much as I love playing games that have fun, dynamic gameplay, I also enjoy visual novels and this one just looks delightful. I’ve heard a lot of people praise this game over the years and it’s been on my radar for a long time. I’m super excited to play it because sometimes you just want to unwind and chill out with a cute dating sim. This looks like just the thing to help me destress. I can’t wait to play it and bond with all the characters, go on cute dates and just have a nice wholesome time. It’ll definitely help me wind down after a year of intense video games. I’ll probably even play it with my partner to try getting her into video games. She doesn’t really like them, she thinks they’re too dark and disturbing, but she enjoys cute innocent things like this so I think it’ll be a good gateway.
LOS ANGELES — Earlier today, acclaimed director Ridley Scott lashed out at critics who complained that his recently released biopic of Napoleon Bonaparte inaccurately portrayed the French general-turned-emperor as a habitual user of electronic cigarettes.
“I’m sorry, were these critics alive and walking around in post-revolutionary France?” complained the octogenarian filmmaker. “Who’s to say that Napoleon wasn’t excusing himself to the bathroom every few minutes so he could hit his Juul, or putting his hand to his face in a mock-thoughtful expression while taking a sneaky pull right in the living room? Are they suggesting Napoleon Bonaparte couldn’t zero? These guys act like they were there to hear him explicitly say that, ‘whiff of grape,’ was referring to cannons rather than his favorite flavor of juice. I honestly hope these assholes die.”
Many moviegoers expressed their appreciation for Scott’s film, saying that it taught them a lot about the historical dictator.
“I never realized how relatable Napoleon was,” said Tim Fields, who noted that the movie was, “way less boring,” than Christopher Nolan’s “Oppenheimer,” which released earlier this year. “It was cool how he spent most of his time hitting his Juul while he played his Switch. None of my history teachers ever told me that Napoleon lost at Waterloo because he was too busy going for the dub in Fortnite, or that he agreed to the Louisiana Purchase because he had emptied the French Treasury to buy V-Bucks. I remembered that he had a girlfriend named Josephine or something, but I had no idea that she was an anime body pillow. The movie was seriously epic.”
Academics have largely declined to comment on the matter since Scott excoriated a history professor earlier this month for pointing out inaccuracies.
“Okay, sure, Napoleon choofed like a pro,” said Javier Wilder, a professor of European history at Dartmouth. “Is that what you want to hear? I got a threatening letter from Ridley Scott just for putting ‘Napoleon’ on my Letterboxd Watchlist. I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not on my Watchlist anymore. I don’t give a shit what’s in that movie. As far as I care, it’s all the Lord’s truth. Please don’t ask me any more questions.”
At press time, Scott revealed that the extended version of the film would feature four straight hours of Napoleon performing complicated vaping tricks.
The LMG class is one of the trickiest classes to make the most out of in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. With such intense recoil, it’s challenging to find a loadout that works and eliminates enemies with precision. Naturally, this can be an issue when you’re gunning for a longshot challenge. So, what’s the best course of action to get a longshot with an LMG in MW3? Here’s what you need to know.
LMG (Light Machine Gun) Longshot Distance in MW3
In order for a kill with an LMG to qualify as a longshot in MW3 it needs to be from at least 38 meters. This is a significant distance with a class like the Light Machine Gun. This gives it the same distance as the marksman rifle longshot and battle rifle longshots. Some maps will be easier than others, with certain maps like Rust being borderline impossible. Below, we’ve compiled some tips to assist you with longshots for LMGs.
LMG Longshot Tips
We recommend focusing your attachments on both recoil and accuracy. The LMG naturally has a huge amount of recoil, but this can be combated with the right attachments. The same can be said for accuracy, which is a trade-off for the high fire rate of this gun. By attaching a grip, you can negate some of the recoil effects. In turn, this can allow you to earn longshots more frequently.
Additionally, you can look to modes like Ground War for more opportunities. Since players are so spaced out, you will have a much easier time aiming for enemies far away. Modes like Team Deathmatch encourage and enforce close combat encounters, so it can be challenging to get a 38-meter kill with an LMG there. It is also plausible to look at Hardcore game modes, as enemies can be killed with one or two bullets.
