WASHINGTON — Leaked documents reveal that the U.S. government was attempting to cover up the existence of 2012’s third-person shooter Spec Ops: The Line.
“The documents in question are falsified. We have no record of there ever being a game called Spec Ops: The Line,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “Maybe you’re thinking of another Spec Ops game? Or perhaps a Call of Duty? Medal of Honor…? Wow. Remember those games? They were fun, right?”
Government officials insist that the game never existed and assert it’s another mass misremembering event also known as “the Mandela effect.” Government sources say this refers to many people believing that Nelson Mandela became the Dig Dug world champion in the 1980s despite Mandela actually winning in 2013.
Some people have come forward with claims that they experienced the game first-hand.
“I played it, man. I was in the mud. I saw things. I was ordered to do things that I’m not proud of. The linear gameplay gave me no choice,” said a whistleblower who wished to remain anonymous. “This isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this. Remember the Apocalypse Now game that Killspace was working on in 2017? Every company that even came close to signing on as publisher mysteriously went bankrupt right before a deal was made. The whole story reeks of government interference.”
The White House made an official statement addressing the claims head-on.
“Military video games are strictly about salt-of-the-earth Americans winning wars against Nazis, Russians, the Taliban, and cybernetically modified space demons traveling from portals between Mars and Hell.” said White House Principal Deputy Press Secretary Olivia Dalton. “The idea that there was another Heart of Darkness adaptation where the player is ordered to commit atrocities while second-guessing the ethics of the country they’re serving and seeing first-hand the horrors of war and what it does to the human psyche is absolutely preposterous.”
François Coulon and Cory Davis, alleged game directors of Spec Ops: The Line, were not heard from when reached out for comment.
ORLANDO — Nintendo and Universal are facing issues with the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions after safety inspectors discovered that all rides at Super Nintendo World will eventually turn yellow.
Super Nintendo World Orlando is supposed to launch in 2025 but that may now be in jeopardy according to IAAPA safety chief Paul Sanders.
“It is our job to ensure that all amusement parks are built and run with the safety of the guest in mind. Our inspection revealed the horrifying discovery that the Super Nintendo World rides are being built with a material that will eventually turn every ride to a shade of yellow,” he said.
Bill Cronsly, an engineer for the park, said his department was in pure panic over the news.
“Oh god oh god oh god,” Cronsly said to himself as he darted around the park inspecting the damage. “Apparently we built the rides with some flame retardant chemical that when exposed to air for long enough will become yellow. It’s like the top half of every ride is turning yellow? Corporate has no idea how impossible this is to fix — this stuff is in every ride.”
Sanders believes that Nintendo and Universal need to do better for customers and correct this before it’s too late.
“The good news is that we caught this in time. So there’s still a chance this can be corrected. The IAAPA exists specifically for issues like this, to ensure parks are held to proper standards. To force Nintendo fans onto yellow rides that were once beautiful would be highly immoral,” he said.
Universal spokesman Dan Stotch says they are cooperating with Sanders and the IAAPA
“We want our guests to have the best time possible. Regrettably, this was discovered and we’re doing everything we can to make this go away so we can still open in 2025,” he said.
At press time, Nintendo is reportedly preparing to sue the IAAPA.
Bungie announced via press release today that new armor designs inspired by Mass Effect would be added to Destiny so players can more easily pretend they’re playing something other than Destiny.
Sources confirm the announcement comes at a time when the long running loot shooter has been testing even their most loyal player’s patience.
“We wanted to give our players the opportunity to feel like they were playing a game that was respectful of their time. We couldn’t think of anything from Destiny that might fulfill that desire, so naturally we looked to another sci-fi game for inspiration,” said Luke Smith, executive creative director at Bungie. “We’ve already had God of War, Witcher, and Fortnite crossovers in the game before, which did a decent enough job of distracting our players, but with the fantasy and Fortnite-themed stuff they remembered they were playing Destiny pretty quickly and turned the game off. We’re confident having armor from another sci-fi game will have a longer lasting effect.”
Destiny fans were sounding off on Reddit about the latest cosmetic additions to their favorite game.
“The worst part about Destiny is playing Destiny. So having something that makes me think I’m playing a better game seems like a good deal to me,” WizardFromTheMoon said on the Destiny subreddit. “This should tide me over until the next expansion. Adding the silver to my account now.”
Other players on Twitter expressed their own excitement for this latest addition to the long running game.
“Being able to pretend I’m Commander Shepherd while I run the same strike over and over again to try and proc the perfect roll on a gun that will go directly into my vault sounds good to me,” Cayde_6_4Eva said on Twitter. People in the comments suggested they just play the Mass Effect games instead. “And miss my dailies and weeklies? I don’t think so. If I was looking to play a game and enjoy myself I wouldn’t be playing Destiny.”
At press time a mob of players wearing N7-themed armor were crowded around Banshee-44 proclaiming “I’m Commander Shepherd and this is my favorite shop on The Tower.”
SANTA MONICA, CA – Activision-Blizzard has announced that Overwatch 2 matches will be converting to a 4v4 format due to there only being eight active Overwatch 2 players remaining, according to a company press release.
Craig Brentmen, a spokesman for Overwatch 2, commented on the dismal player count.
“Seeing the numbers for the first time was kind of baffling,” Brentmen said. “Last time we checked it was at least a dozen!”
Prior to this change the studio had faced backlash for the switch to 5v5, but assured the public that the switch back to 4v4 would be well received. “It’s a big step up from having to pay two employees to queue up so a match could start,” Brentmen said. “Now we can direct more of our resources towards improving the battle pass for our several remaining fans.”
Much of the Overwatch 2 community were reportedly unhappy with the battle pass, saying the focus on in-game monetization drove them to other games. Former professional Overwatch 2 player GJGaming offered their perspective on the floundering hero shooter.
“I was willing to put up with it at first when they locked some heroes behind the battle pass,” GJGaming said. “but when they added the ‘Pay Us $10 or You’ll Never See Your Son Again’ tier at that point I was out.”
The remaining eight players offered their own comments on the current state of the game.
“They should have gone with my 4v3v1 idea.”
“あなたの記事に貢献したくない”
“Nerf Mercy.”
“I should have stuck with TF2.”
“Wait, this is Overwatch 2? But nothing’s different!”
“No me importa, elimina role queue.”
“The eighth guy is actually my smurf.”
“See?”
At press time the smurf account had received a permanent ban and Activision-Blizzard had replaced them with a bot.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 1.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
An adjective that is characterized by the presence of vital signs, such as respiration, heartbeat, and consciousness.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“V”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“I”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“L”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“A”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 211 days straight! So here goes nothing:
FREMONT- Ian Miles Cheong was revealed to be the first recipient of Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device implant thanks to the inherently low risk that drilling into his brain would damage anything functional anyways, company officials and doctors said today via a press release.
Nadia Samson, a spokesperson for Neuralink spoke about the ground-breaking first human test subject.
“All of the preliminary scans showed very little overall activity, so the whole thing seemed pretty low risk,” Samson said. “Of course, we didn’t realize he was actually a citizen and resident of Malaysia. We figured he was based in the US because of the sheer amount of posts about American politics, but once we had that little wrinkle ironed out, getting the paperwork done was simple enough – no doctor seemed to care.”
Musk, who was reportedly heavily involved in the process of selecting Cheong as the first patient, had a somewhat different reason why the online commentator made for such a good test subject.
“You need to start with someone whose brain is working perfectly. Right? Not just a little bit – like, really working perfectly,” Musk said. “This guy responds to all my tweets with the best stuff. Pictures of me, memes of me, endorsements of me, quotes from me. This guy’s brain is functioning at maybe 110% capacity honestly.”
Musk offered more details on the exciting next step in the tech startup’s achievement.
“Ian’s been a good test subject. He didn’t freak out about the pile of bloated chimp corpses or ask about side effects like everyone else did,” Musk said. “Those chimps went woke and now they’re broke. At any rate I assured him we have a separate mass grave prepared for all our human test subjects should it come to that.”
Cheong himself spoke about the chance to be the world’s first Neuralink recipient.
“If Elon is behind it I know it’s going to be brilliant, so there was no real hesitation on my part about whether or not I wanted to do the procedure,” Cheong said. “Hell, I started drilling the hole myself before I even got the email back that they would take me.”
At press time Elon Musk and a team of engineers were working diligently to understand if Cheong’s recent rapid fire, unanswered Twitter replies to Musk all about how great the billionaire looks in a cowboy hat were a sign of the implant malfunctioning or just Cheong being himself.
Amidst all the trailers and exciting announcements, sad news also came out of Sony’s State of Play Wednesday. It seems everyone’s favorite ottsel has unfortunately checked back into rehab after falling off the wagon yet again, sources confirmed.
“We hate to take anything away from this exhilarating day but we feel we should be open with our fans and Daxter’s fans as well,” said Gregory Sphealman, an executive at Sony. “While it is disappointing to hear that Daxter has had this setback, it’s also important to remember that he made the responsible choice and went back to rehab to try and get better, that takes bravery.”
The small furry wisecracker has become beloved in Haven City for years of heroic antics, sources confirmed. However according to reports from friends and family he has displayed a darker side after abusing the bottle on several occasions. Many residents of the city have admitted seeing him cause chaos and destruction while zooming around the city.
“Oh yeah, him and his pal with the greenish yellow hair are a serious danger to the city,” said one enraged resident. “One time these two just jumped up and pulled me out of my zoomer in mid air! Then they drive around and that little guy starts blasting crimson guard with a peacemaker. I appreciate them getting rid of the Baron I guess, but those clowns are still a threatening pair to be around.”
According to locals, accounts like these make many in town wonder if the streets wouldn’t even be safer with a sober Daxter. Jak, one of Daxter’s few remaining friends, defended him.
“Look Dax is a good guy, you gotta understand,” Jak began to say while absorbing a frightening amount of dark eco. “When we were just kids and I didn’t possess the ability to speak, he always stood up for me and I gotta do the same now, especially when people insist on spreading this false narrative. If it wasn’t For Daxter and me, you’d all have been eaten by metalheads years ago, so what if he needs to let off some steam with a drink every now and then?”
While Jak claimed to just be sticking up for his friend, others argued he was tacitly approving of his friend’s behavior. It was at that point, according to reports, that his skin turned white and purple energy began radiating from his body before he started wildly swinging at locals, sending them flying.
At Press time Samos the Sage had just been arrested for trying to sneak a bottle of liquor into the rehab facility.
PlayStation executives announced yesterday at their State of Play Presentation that as a company they are not, and will not be, remastering Bloodborne because nobody in their office has been able to beat Father Gascoigne.
“We know the game has quite a few fans who are eagerly awaiting a remaster or PC port. Unfortunately, we just don’t know if it’s any good,” said Hermen Hulst, Head of PlayStation Studios. “We’ve never been able to beat Father Gascoigne. A couple times we whittled him down to half health or so, but then he turned into some sort of werewolf thing and we died pretty quickly after that. We think there might be an alternate way to progress if we defeat the Cleric Beast, but we honestly haven’t been able to do that either.”
The decision to not remaster or port the game also has a financial component, sources confirmed.
Hulst continued, “We just can’t invest the money it would take to remaster a game if we have no idea if 90% of it is any good. Have you finished it? Can you tell me?”
PlayStation Head Jim Ryan explained the decision when asked after the State of Play.
“It’s not all bad news, though,” Ryan said. “I just learned this morning that we definitely still own, and will enforce, the IP. So although you may never get another official Bloodborne release, you can rest assured no one will be allowed to make an unofficial release either.”
At press time, Ryan was seen watching a Bloodborne playthrough on YouTube to see what all the fuss was about.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 31.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
An adjective used to describe something that is large, heavy, and takes up a lot of space.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“Y”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“K”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“L”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“U”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“B”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 816 days straight! So here goes nothing:
In not so surprising news, Vince McMahon has been accused of some truly heinous acts which you can read about here. Turns out when you play an irredeemable piece of human garbage on TV, you may just actually be one. And it also seems like some story lines may have been him telling on himself.
With that in mind, we reached out to Triple H for comment and received these 20 delightful images of 5 time world champ, the king of strong style, Mr. Shinsuke Nakamura. We have a feeling his response was catered to our general vibe and appearance, rather than containing images of wrestlers the company actually wants to push. And boy, did H have us pegged perfectly.
20. Look At That Face
He’s really going for it here, I like to imagine he’s pointing to the prison cell that is hopefully awaiting McMahon.
19. Kinda Looks Like He Stubbed His Toe
I’m sure Shinsuke is just in the middle of his famous elaborate entrance here but it kind of looks like he’s reacting to bumping his little piggies on the ring. This will help me sleep after reading about the horrors of WWE corporate culture.
18. Powerful
He’s really exuding unbridled power here. Just a marvel to look upon this man.
17. Fear Him
I like this one a lot because frankly it’s a little frightening and I’m here for it. The animalistic magnetism is really what helped Nakamura become an all time great wrestler — even if under-used by WWE (a company run by a truly barbaric man).
16. Man of The People
Sure, sometimes he’s a little scary but he’s also beloved. It seems impossible a hero like Shinsuke would work for the villainous McMahon. Though I guess technically he would have been an independent contractor since the WWE doesn’t want to pay for the incredible damage their stars do to themselves in the ring.
15. What Was That Question?
I can’t hear you people are moving things behind me can you speak up?
14. Please Don’t Hurt Me
Shinsuke please! I have a family!
13. Victorious
The pure joy of being the champ is a beautiful sight to behold. Unlike the face of that horrible gremlin man Vince McMahon.
12. Kick to the Head
Maybe if I like Nakamura do this to me I can forget some of the disgusting details of the lawsuit. I don’t want to forget the lawsuit, but boy, some of those details and images.
11. The Classic
A look that never goes outta style.
10. Hmmm
This is a great one because you can color it so many different ways. Did he just smell a fart? See something interesting just outside the ring? Hear what his boss Vince McMahon was up to?
9. Long Live the King
All Hail King Nakamura
8. Showman
He comes to play and you can really tell in pictures like this. Nakamura is never one to skimp out on an entrance and get the people going and for that I salute him.
7. And Don’t You Forget it
He’s a champ through and through and you have to respect him for it. He didn’t become the 5 time world champion for you to just forget about it. Just like how you can’t forget about the lawsuit alleging Vince McMahon would name his white sex toys after white wrestlers and black toys after black wrestlers.
6. In His Natural Habitat
Nakamura thrives in the ring and he’s truly a spectacle to behold when he’s in his element.
5. Nailed it
What can I say but wow! This toy looks exactly like the real deal. Definitely doesn’t look like some forgotten Baldwin brother with some licorice falling off his head.
4. WHAT!?!
I’m just as shocked as you buddy. Pretty sure this picture was taken after he saw the leaked McMahon text messages. Oof!
3. Awww
I just feel like he’s proud of me in this one.
2. Had To Do it To ‘Em
We had to admire the signature move. A picture doesn’t quite do it justice but still, perfection.
1. Heavy is The Head
This picture is a lot. So is Shinsuke though. His flair for the dramatic and the theatricality of his whole routine is what makes him one of the best around. I think it’s okay to be a little extra in his case. Definitely not in Vince’s case though dear God. That man is somehow getting extra evil, and he was already well known to be pretty despicable. Thank God the Rock bought and then completely paved over the XFL huh?
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