CINCINNATI – Prospective home buyers were shocked to discover during an open house that the sellers had not previously disclosed the primary en suite bathroom contained a Skibidi Toilet.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Eric Rivers said after viewing the available home. “I knew going in that the house was gonna be overpriced and need a lot of work, because that’s basically every house on the market these days. But then I opened the door to the primary bathroom, and there was a hideous giraffe-necked head with a crew cut sticking up out of the toilet hole.”
“How did they think they’d get away with not telling anyone about this? Even if you can’t use the toilet, how could you shower with that thing looking at you the whole time? It made direct eye contact with me, and it was singing some hypnotic song I can’t get out of my head.”
Allen Blackwell, the homeowner, disagreed with Rivers’ assessment.
“It’s not that big of a deal,” Blackwell sighed. “If you really need to use the bathroom, the head will usually move out of the way. And as long as you don’t say anything bad about G-Man while you’re offloading some freight, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Honestly, I think the song’s kind of turned into a weird Pavlovian thing for me. I hear the song, I gotta go.”
“Also, if it starts getting too riled up, you can show it this,” Blackwell added, holding up a spiked toilet plunger mace. “Shuts it right up.”
Margot Miller, a listing agent for Redfin, confirmed that the Blackwells would need to disclose the Skibidi Toilet going forward.
“We’ve been seeing these things pop up all over the place,” Miller stated. “It really must be documented in the listing up front. Sure, the toilet is there now — but what happens when it gets drafted to fight in the ongoing war against The Alliance? There’ll be hundreds, maybe thousands of people with gaping holes in their bathroom floors. The seller should at least be offering closing credits for a replacement, just in case.”
At press time, the Blackwells had hired a camera-headed home inspector to look for a secret flush handle on the back of the toilet’s tank.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 5.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A verb that means to push away or drive back forcefully, or to cause strong dislike or aversion.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“L”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“P”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 555 days straight! So here goes nothing:
DALLAS — A recent scientific study has found that transgender women who compete in women’s esports leagues have an unfair biological advantage in receiving online harassment.
“We found no meaningful evidence supporting the idea that transgender women have biological advantages over cisgender women while playing competitive video games,” said head researcher Dr. Melanie Parker. “Other than the fact trans women consistently exceeded everyone else in the frequency and intensity of the harassment they received. Totally blew ‘em out of the water on that one.”
Alyssa “Fantasea” Ortiz, a transgender woman who plays on the Valor-Strike: Global Overwatch team Etsy Insurrection, was unsurprised by the study’s findings. She reports receiving numerous death threats after winning Calling All Impact Changers, a women’s esports tournament.
“Everyone at Calling All Impact Changers has been kind and supportive of me, which helped me deal with the insane hate I was getting,” Ortiz said. “At first, I was really discouraged by all the strangers in my Twitter DMs telling me to go kill myself, but then I realized that I don’t get paid enough to care what people online think about me. I’m only making 77% of what I made in the men’s league before my transition.”
Brian Myers, a Valor-Strike: Global Overwatch fan whose social media posts were analyzed extensively in the study, offered his own perspective on trans women competing in women’s esports leagues.
“I normally don’t care about women in esports, but the moment I hear about a trans woman competing I get really excited to spew all of my darkest thoughts at them online,” Myers said. “A lot of people in the esports community can’t handle me protecting video games, but I got invited onto a couple truth-telling podcasts to hyperventilate about this for a few hours so that’s cool.”
At press time, Dr. Parker’s research team announced findings conclusively proving trans women would continue to compete in women’s esports leagues long after their detractors had faded into irrelevance.
TORONTO — Tragedy has struck the wrestling world as a young up-and-coming wrestler on the Toronto independent scene is facing a career threatening neck injury thanks to years of watching television at a 45 degree angle.
Wrestler “Turbo” Ned Tyson has wanted to be a wrestler since he was a kid but his body may force him to choose another career path.
“I fell in love with wrestling when I was 7 and by 13 I knew it’s what I wanted to do,” said Tyson. “They always tell you not to try this at home but I didn’t listen, I wanted to do what they do so I started watching TV at a 45 degree angle while standing with the TV kinda to my back.”
Years of watching TV from this angle have finally caught up to the 25-year-old.
“The human body is not meant to watch TV this way,” said neck specialist Austin Baker. “It’s completely unnatural for the neck to be situated like this while watching television. Mr. Tyson has spent so long watching TV like this that the muscles in his neck have become distorted. It is in my medical opinion that Mr. Tyson will never wrestle again. Any more 45 degree TV watching will do permanent damage to his neck. With enough time of proper television viewing habits, he still has a chance at a normal life.”
Tyson’s mother blames herself.
“I knew it was dangerous for him to be watching TV like that but I wanted to support his dreams. He said to make it to WWE this is what he had to do,” said Arlene Tyson.
Tyson is hopeful he can make it back to the ring.
“I don’t think this is the end for me. It can’t be since I won my last match.”
At press time, Tyson reportedly stole an ambulance from the local medical facility to drive to his next match at the last minute.
NEW YORK — Popular digital streamer Max, formerly HBO Max, recently unveiled a foreboding new “Don’t Get Too Attached” category to its platform, according to nervous sources scrambling to find out what that means.
“We’re excited to offer this new feature to all our loyal viewers who we’ve tormented over the years,” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav. “After we received backlash for randomly and unexpectedly scrapping so much content, we thought it would be a smart move to give subscribers a little heads up about what might be next on the chopping block. So if you wake up and find that your favorite shows have been moved to this specially curated category, it might be a good idea to start binging because who knows what we might do to them.”
Max subscriber Tracey Kees expressed her opinion on the news.
“Is this a joke?” said Kees as she furiously shuffled through the long list of shows whose existence was suddenly in jeopardy. “First they pull content people actually want to watch, and now they’re openly trolling us? How much time do I have to watch these things before they’re gone?”
Media analyst Priya Kapoor described the lengths streamers will go to set themselves apart from their rivals.
“The competitive media landscape has forced companies to innovate,” Kapoor stated. “Netflix already has a “Leaving Soon” category to alert viewers about which titles will be departing in the near future, but this new feature by Max takes it to another level, albeit for no apparent good reason other than to be a bunch of dicks. It seems like their entire business model is built on messing with their own subscribers, so this isn’t really that surprising and quite frankly very on-brand.”
At press time, Zaslav announced an even more ominous feature in the form of a doomsday-style countdown clock which would randomly appear on screen but offer no details about why it was there.
Boyfriend Daniel Hans is highly irritable and snappy ahead of the 300th episode spectacular of his podcast Guys Night, sources currently giving him some space and not sure what the point of all this is, confirmed.
“Oh yeah, that’ll be good for the show,” Hans snapped at his best friend and cohost of 8 years after learning he had a cold ahead of the big night. “You think the audience wants to hear you sniffling for three and half hours as we break down 50 First Dates?”
References to “the audience” or “community” seem aspirational at best, sources confirmed.
“Daniel is a good guy. He has a stable job, my parents love him,” Allie Bercher, a pre-med student currently dating Hans, said. “But I saw the stats to the show one time and I thought something was broken so I said, ‘can you hit refresh so they load?’ and he freaked out. Men can be so sensitive you gotta be careful what you say.”
Bercher is not upset with the show and always encourages Hans to follow his passions, but that hasn’t helped ease tensions around the apartment, she said.
“It’s great to have hobbies. But when I call it a hobby he freaks out,” Bercher said. “The other day he burst in the room super upset saying Joe Rogan got another $250 million. It sounded like he thought of himself as a runner up or something.”
Confident that the slow and steady grind of gaining roughly the same amount of listeners he loses each month will pay off in the long run, Hans has no intention of slowing down his commitment to the podcast.
“We’re leftist, but in the way that we read what other leftists online say and then we say that, too,” Hans said of the target demographic of the show, which has run for the last 8 years and built an audience of around 100 downloads per episode. “I also spent some time in the IT department at a few online retailers so I bring that perspective to the show as well.”
The podcast game isn’t a level playing field where true talent rises to the top, Hans explained.
“We’re being held back,” Hans said of his access to massive multi-billion dollar discovery platforms, which use cutting edge technology to spread images and ideas around the world to more people than ever before in human history, for free, 24/7, and the simple, remote recording and editing tools widely available to anyone such that him and his friends can record, edit, produce, publish, and distribute something akin to a radio show at a total cost of approximately $30 a month. “Probably because of our politics.”
Paul Givens, head of the psychology department at UCLA, has been studying the effects of easy access to podcasting for several years.
“Ah yes, there is a large percentage of the male population that needs, emotionally, to have ‘a show’ to work on,” Givens said. “This show can be anything really – as it just represents a sort of last gasp if you will – their last attempt at building an audience for their ‘takes.’ The studies show eventually around 35 or 40 years old these men tend to find a different kind of audience: a life partner willing to listen to them complain how undervalued they are at a job outside the entertainment industry. This is where they are happiest.”
As of press time Hans was seen anxiously checking his email to see if his latest of several background RGB lighting fixtures was scheduled to arrive in time for the big show.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 4.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A point at which something is about to happen or undergo a change.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“G”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“V”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 555 days straight! So here goes nothing:
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 3.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A prefix meaning small used in scientific, technical, and everyday language to denote something tiny in size or on a miniature scale.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“O”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“C”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“I”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“M”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 626 days straight! So here goes nothing:
Public intellectual Jordan Peterson reportedly broke down into a loud sobbing fit just two minutes into a debate on the future of Western Civilization with muppet character Elmo.
The debate, promoted as the culmination of a long-standing feud between the prominent professor and muppet, was not released. According to sources close to the incident, filming was abruptly stopped to avoid, “what seemed like could become a violent situation.”
Peterson, who says he collects art made by victims of muppet-based violence, pulled no punches when it came to what he thought of his opponent in the debate.
“The dirty collectivist bastard,” Peterson said of the three-year-old furry red muppet adored by children around the world. “Post-modernists like Elmo don’t understand they actually advocate for mass killing – is that what you want? Well, then – no way. Sorry. Not me. I won’t stand for it.”
Peterson said he had a plan of action to combat his apparent emotional volatility including restrictive dieting and a series of bizarre oversea procedures.
“It’s the inherently mother – the biblically divine feminine even – in my food,” he said, eyes welling up. “Oh god, I think there was something on my steak. If someone squeezes some lemon in my water without me knowing I can be sick for weeks.”
The Elmo debate is not the first time Peterson has been recorded crying, with prior incidents occurring at rather sporadic or seemingly out of place moments. Heather Klein, a psychologist at the University of California Berkeley, said there were parts of Peterson’s emotional display that she found positive.
“In many ways it’s good to see Mr. Peterson show the young men who follow him that it really is OK for men to cry. Trying to be stoic 24/7 can lead to serious outbursts and doesn’t allow loved ones to know when these men need support,” Klein said. “That being said he could suck it up a bit – dude cries all the time.”
Arguments over who won the short, unaired debate raged online. Elmo’s fanbase released doctored tweets showing inflammatory statements not made by Peterson, and Peterson’s fanbase threatened to go “door to door” on Sesame Street “until enough muppet blood had been spilled.”
“I will not let Western Civilization fall to the muppet scum,” one Peterson supporter, who credits the professor with saving his life, said. “And I will not let the muppet-loving media pretend Peterson lost the Elmo debate. If anything, he was probably only crying because he just understands the consequences of muppet ideology when they take power.”
As of press time, Elmo was unavailable for comment.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 2.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
An adjective that describes something that is split or divided, often into two parts.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“T”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“F”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“L”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“C”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 429 days straight! So here goes nothing:
