Fallen Gamer Honored with 21 Light Gun Salute

Posted on by Traye Holland

CHICAGO — A moving scene unfolded today as beloved husband, father, and gamer Marcus Stanfoot was met with a 21 light gun salute as he was lowered into his final rest point. He was 52.

Marcus was eulogized by Moss Hudson, a close Steam friend who he had never spoken to outside of Destiny 2 sessions.

“Today we press F to pay respects,” said Hudson, “Marcus was as much of a gamer as you could get. He grew up in the age of arcades. He was one of the first to be diagnosed with Nintendo thumb. His Steam library was more voluminous than the Library of Alexandria. But now he has unfortunately run out of continues.”

As the gamers in attendance shed their tears, they pointed mint-condition NES Zappers to the sky with sunlight-deprived hands and fired in three volleys as if flocks of 8-bit ducks soared overhead. Duck Hunt was, reportedly, Marcus’s favorite game. 

The funeral was catered with Marcus’s favorite food. Taco Bell. DoorDashed, the way Marcus preferred to receive it. Baja Blast was poured onto Marcus’s gravestone so that he could enjoy one final drink of the elixir that had fueled his gaming life for years. On his gravestone the succinct words were chiseled: HE DIED.

Marcus is survived by his wife, Sarah Stanfoot, and their six kids: Zelda, Lara, Pong, Riven, Gordon, and Doomguy. According to Sarah, Marcus’s death was as tragic as it was inevitable.

“He had a heart condition,” said Sarah. “He was told not to do any intense cardio or play any rage-inducing games. I told him not to play Only Up, but he always had this overwhelming drive to play every game he could. He fell down to the start of the game for the eighteenth time or so and that was it. Game over. At least he died doing what he loved.”

Marcus was buried with his beloved Razer Viper V2 Pro gaming mouse in one hand and a PS5 Dualsense controller in the other, as “he believed in unity between console and PC gamers,” according to Sarah. The original intention was to also bury him with his beloved Nintendo Switch, but Sarah still has her Stardew Valley save on it.

Gamer’s Way of Life Threatened by Mechanic They Don’t Have to Engage With

Posted on by Matt Fresh

PHOENIX — Local gamer Gordon Bailey has begun reaching out to the gaming community for help after his way of life has been threatened by a video game implementing an optional mechanic that he doesn’t have to engage with.

After Bioware recently revealed that the next game in the Dragon Age series would have an optional mode that removes the ability for the player to die, Bailey took to social media in disbelief that a game studio would threaten his existence in such a blatant manner.

“Why would they do this? Why do they hate us so much as to do something like this,” tweeted Bailey to his dozens of mostly bot followers. “I obviously can only speak for myself but I know I’m not the only one whose life is affected by this callous move. I pride myself on only playing games on the hardest difficulty with one hand tied behind my back and never pausing so for them to make a game that caters to casuals is an attack on my very way of life. It’s like they don’t want me to exist.”

Bailey isn’t alone as many other gamers replied to his post in support.

“This is just the latest in a long line of incidents threatening our way of life,” replied Jackson Ryker. “As real gamers we are the most persecuted group in the history of the world and this is just another attempt to erase us from existence. No one has suffered as much as us but we will get through this and we will persevere. When this game fails they’ll see what a mistake they made in trying to be rid of us.

Bioware responded to the accusations in bewilderment.

“They know they can just not use the mode right? They don’t have to select it, we’re not forcing them, they can make it harder if they want.” said gameplay designer Bernard Morin.

Bailey further claimed he will not take this lying down.

“They can say what they want about this being optional but we all know they want everyone to use it and will do whatever they can to push it on us. Well I haven’t spent the last few years harassing and demanding people to play games on hard mode even if they don’t want to have this baby gamer mode forced on me. How dare they think they can do that, I will fight this. I should be able to play games however I want.”

At press time, Bailey has begun replying “git gud” to all posts praising the mode for making the game more accessible to more gamers regardless of ability or impairments.

Feel Old Yet: The Snot Nosed Kid is Now a Snot Nosed Man

Posted on by Matt Fresh

OUTSET ISLAND — Do you remember the kid from Outset Island with the snot hanging from his nose? Well get ready to feel old because we caught up with him and he’s no longer a snot nosed kid, he’s a snot nosed man.

The boy whose real name is Zill has been living a quiet life in the 20 years since he first became famous for the long snot booger hanging from his nose.

“The truth is I never left the island. I like it here, I know everyone, I help my mom and dad with the pigs,” said Zill. “A lot of people might have thought that I’d be bolting off the island first chance I could due to my attention hog nature when I was a kid but I’ve matured a lot, I have responsibilities here. It’s been twenty years. I’m not that little kid anymore with a comically large and grotesque piece of snot hanging out of my nose, I’m a grown man with a comically large piece of snot hanging from my nose.”

When asked why he still chooses to have a large piece of snot hanging halfway down his body, Zill says it’s a piece of his identity.

“It’s what makes me stand out. It’s my thing. I couldn’t just be Zill, no one would remember Zill but everyone remembers Snot Nosed Kid. It’s a sad fact of life but no one remembers the random people around any given island, you need some sort of singular thing that defines who you are. You need to be the Elvis looking guy or the big swollen head guy or the pedophile guy.”

“We get a lot of tourists here now since it’s the home of the hero who defeated Ganondorf and they all immediately recognize me because of my snot. ‘You’re the annoying kid who always tried to follow Link around’ they say and if I was just Zill they wouldn’t know who I am, “Zill continued. Link interacted with everyone on this island, but outside of Link’s Grandma and sister, Sturgeon, Orca and I are the ones that tourists flock to. Yeah I’m in my late twenties now and have a job but the snot isn’t going anywhere.”

We tried to interview other residents to see what they’ve been up to in the last twenty years but Zill wouldn’t stop following us around.

Dumbass Kid Buys New Pikachu Plush Instead of Rare Factory Error Next to It

Posted on by Ouro M

BEND, Ore. — Local child Stephanie Vasquez has greatly disappointed her parents after she chose to buy a brand new Pikachu plush toy instead of the rare factory error Squirtle plush that was right next to it on the shelf.

Vasquez’s father Daniel made a Reddit post about the incident on r/kidsarestupid to lament about his daughter’s lesser IQ level.

“This is just an absolute nightmare as a father. You always want the best for your kids but it’s so demoralizing when your kid proves without a shadow of a doubt that they’re an absolute dumbass. I still love her of course but this makes it so much harder. When we got into the aisle with the Pokémon plush toys and I saw her face light up I was so proud of her because I was sure she was going to pick the Squirtle whose face was upside down but instead she grabbed the Pikachu right next to it and my soul left my body. She’s 8, she should be smarter than this.”

Vasquez’s mother Gina made her own social media post about the incident, asking her Facebook friends for recommendations on special schools to send their daughter.

“As many of you know by now Stephanie recently chose to buy a brand new perfectly normal Pikachu instead of the factory error Squirtle that was clearly more rare and valuable thus proving that she is of a much lower intellect than she should be. That Squirtle could have eventually paid to send her to a college that we now know she’d never get accepted to. We love our daughter and want the best for her so we are going to send her to a school that specializes in teaching really stupid  kids. If any of you know of any schools that could help a kid who would so willingly make this purchase please, I implore you to give us recommendations.

Stephanie herself seems oblivious to the drama surrounding her purchases as her social media profiles are filled with photos of her with her new Pikachu plush in which she claims it’s her absolute favorite Pokémon and she loves him.

At press time, Daniel and Gina have gotten in contact with a brain specialist and plan on running various tests on Stephanie.

Helldivers 2 Update Patch Notes 1.000.405 July 10

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

 

UPDATED July 10

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 1.000.405 ⚙️ July 10

We have a hotfix to again address the problem of players stuck in the infinite drop-in.

 

🌍 Overview

This hotfix aims to reduce the number of people stuck in the hellpod drop-in loading screen.

 

MORE IN HELLDIVERS 2 GUIDES:

 

🔧 Fixes

  • Reduced instances of being stuck waiting in infinite drop-in

 

MORE IN HELLDIVERS 2 BUG FIXES AND SETTINGS:

 

🧠 Known Issues

  • Sending friend requests via friend code in game currently does not work
  • Various issues to do with unintended Ballstics Shield behavior.
  • Players may be unable to be joined or invited to the game
  • Players added to the Recent Players list will appear in the middle of the list
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions
  • Deployed mines may sometimes become invisible (but remain active)
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire
  • Most weapons shoot below the crosshair when aiming down the sights
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but will deploy to its original location
  • Hand Carts ship module does not reduce Shield Generator Pack's cooldown
  • Bile Titan sometimes does not take damage to the head
  • Players may become stuck in the Loadout when joining a game in progress
  • Reinforcement may not be available for players who join a game in progress
  • Planet liberation reaches 100 % at the end of every Defend mission
  • Raise Flag of Super Earth objective does not show a progress bar
  • Mission count in the Career tab is being reset to zero after every game restart
  • Some weapons’ descriptions are out-of-date and don’t reflect their current design
  • Personal orders may not display correctly. (Kill 5.)

 

Happy Helldiving!
- Democracy Officer Baskin, filling in for Captain Carlberg

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 1.000.404 ⚙️ July 4

We have a hotfix coming from High Command!

 

🌍 Overview

This hotfix aims to resolve crashes and to reduce the number of people stuck in the hellpod drop-in loading screen.

 

🔧 Fixes

  • Fixed the 'Superior Packing Methodology' ship module upgrade (technically this was fixed on the server side and has been working since July 1st).
  • Fixed crashes and glitches occurring when dropping into a mission.
  • Fixed instances of players becoming stuck in the hellpod loading screen.
  • Fixed a crash that occurs after changing settings (this should be fixed for real this time, the last fix didn’t stick the landing and we have sent the responsible engineer to a Super Earth re-education camp).

 

🧠 Known Issues

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Sending friend requests via friend code in game currently does not work
  • Players may be unable to be joined or invited to the game
  • Players added to the Recent Players list will appear in the middle of the list
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions
  • Deployed mines may sometimes become invisible (but remain active)
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire
  • Most weapons shoot below the crosshair when aiming down the sights
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but will deploy to its original location
  • Hand Carts ship module does not reduce Shield Generator Pack's cooldown
  • Bile Titan sometimes does not take damage to the head
  • Players may become stuck in the Loadout when joining a game in progress
  • Reinforcement may not be available for players who join a game in progress
  • Planet liberation reaches 100 % at the end of every Defend mission
  • Raise Flag of Super Earth objective does not show a progress bar
  • Mission count in the Career tab is being reset to zero after every game restart
  • Some weapons’ descriptions are out-of-date and don’t reflect their current design
  • Personal orders may not display correctly. (Kill 5!)

 

We have also activated new ship modules, Helldivers. Get in there and upgrade those super destroyers!

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 01.000.403 ⚙️ June 25

Small patch incoming from High Command!

 

🌍 Overview

For this patch, we have made improvements and changes to the following areas:
  • Crash fix related to the FAF-14 Spear
  • General fixes

 

General

  • Japanese language voice-overs are now available globally on PS5 (also on PC).

 

🔧 Fixes

 

Crashes

  • Fix for crash happening when players with unique hellpod patterns leave during hellpod launch cutscenes
  • Crash fix while aiming with the FAF-14 Spear

 

Misc fixes

  • Fixed corrupted text showing "?" for some characters when having Traditional Chinese language selected
  • Fix for Plasma Punisher being unable to shoot out of the SH-32 Shield Generator Pack and the FX-12 Shield Generator
  • Fixed so the Quasar Cannon has the correct change to its heat when on hot and cold planets
  • Fixed issue where Spore Spewer would appear purple on certain planets
  • Fixed some cases where pink question marks would appear in missions on various planets
  • Fixed Peak Physique armor passive not properly affecting weapon ergonomics
  • Fixed issue where available Operations were reset after player reconnected from getting kicked due to inactivity

 

🧠 Known Issues

  • These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Sending friend requests via friend code in game currently does not work
  • Players may be unable to be joined or invited to the game
  • Players added to the Recent Players list will appear in the middle of the list
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions
  • Deployed mines may sometimes become invisible (but remain active)
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire
  • Most weapons shoot below the crosshair when aiming down the sights
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but will deploy to its original location
  • Hand Carts ship module does not reduce Shield Generator Pack's cooldown
  • Superior Packing Methodology ship module does not work
  • Bile Titan sometimes does not take damage to the head
  • Players may become stuck in the Loadout when joining a game in progress
  • Reinforcement may not be available for players who join a game in progress
  • Planet liberation reaches 100 % at the end of every Defend mission
  • Raise Flag of Super Earth objective does not show a progress bar
  • Mission count in the Career tab is being reset to zero after every game restart
  • Some weapons’ descriptions are out-of-date and don’t reflect their current design

 

Release Captain Carlberg out

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 01.000.402 ⚙️ June 18

Good day Helldivers!
Patch transmission incoming.

 

🌍 Overview

For this patch, we have made improvements and changes to the following areas:
  • Quality of life improvements
  • Crash fixes
  • General bug fixes

 

🔧 Fixes

 

Crashes

  • Fixed various crashes that occur when changing settings.
  • Fixed crash or corrupted font texture when changing languages.
  • Fixed a crash that occurs after exiting a mission.
  • Fixed a crash that occurs when opening the social menu with more than 100 friends. As a result we have also limited the friends list visibility to 100. You will remain friends with anyone over 100, but you may not be able to see them if they are offline.
  • Fixed crash social menu crash related to high number of blocked players and/or friend requests.
  • Fixed a crash when minimizing after changing fullscreen mode.
  • Fixed rare crash which could occur when picking up equipment.
  • Fixed a crash when a client interacts with a terminal in a waiting state after host migration.
  • Fixed a crash related to minefields.

 

Misc Fixes

  • Fixed issues with dodge and prone.
  • Fixed not being able to stand up while wielding the ballistic shield.
  • Fixed the Recoilless reload speed.
  • Fixed issue where users couldn't write a description on console when reporting a player.
  • Fixes vehicle preview not despawning in Warbonds when quickly scrolling through the catalog.
  • Fixed Spear not targeting several entities (spawners, compound objects, etc).
  • Sentries now have a higher destruction value so most explosions do not instantly destroy them regardless of the damage amount.
  • Fixed bug where operation progress would be lost when kicked due to inactivity.
  • The "Remove Friend" and "Block Player" buttons are now hold-to-confirm instead of a single click.
  • Fixed bug where dying would try to enter ADS.
  • Fixed a soft lock if you receive an interact emote while holding a grenade.
  • Fixed projectile to crosshair inaccuracies in ADS when the player is in different stances
  • Fixed broken player model in career tab when on someone else's ship.
  • Adjudicator: fixed incorrect recoil values.
  • Fixed armory terminals losing their functionality if the last client player who interacted with them leaves the host's ship.
  • Fixed missing localization for flying patrols operation modifiers.
  • Fixed issue where throwing knives could be left floating in the air.
  • Support for non-latin fonts in the game's install folder path.
  • Vehicle skins are now applied to all vehicle variations when equipping directly from Warbonds.
  • Fixed flag objectives not properly tracking a Helldiver’s position while on a Combat Walker.
  • Fixed missing description for the PH-202 Twigsnapper helmet.
  • Fixed the issue where the shuttle would clip through Bile Titans and terrain during landing sequences.
  • Improved performance on PS5 when CPU bound.
  • Fixes FX remaining when destroying Spore Spewer.
  • Ensure stim vfx remains on screen for the entire duration of the stim effect when med-kit bonus is present.
  • Fix for emote receiver players being able to use their weapons during emote animation
  • Hellbombs now get called down facing the player, rather than away from the player.

 

🧠 Known Issues

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Sending friend requests via friend code in game currently does not work.
  • Players may be unable to be joined or invited to the game.
  • Players added to the 'Recent Players' list will appear in the middle of the list.
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts.
  • Available Operations are generated again after reconnecting after getting AFK kicked.
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions.
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire.
  • Most weapons shoot below the crosshair when aiming down the sights.
  • Plasma Punisher is unable to shoot out of the shield generators.
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but it will deploy to its original location.
  • "Hand Carts" ship module does not reduce Shield Generator Pack's cooldown.
  • Bile Titan sometimes does not take damage to the head.
  • Charger’s butt does not take damage from explosions.
  • Players may become stuck in the Loadout when joining a game in progress.
  • Reinforcement may not be available for players who join a game in progress.
  • Planet liberation reaches 100% at the end of every Defend mission.
  • "Raise Flag of Super Earth" objective does not show a progress bar.
  • Mission count in the Career tab is being reset to zero after every game restart.
  • Some weapons’ descriptions are out-of-date and don’t reflect their current design.

 

End of transmission
Release Captain Carlberg out

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 01.000.400 ⚙️ June 13

Freedoms Greetings Helldivers, I'm your host Release Captain Carlberg bringing you democracy's latest and greatest from Super Earths superior minds. Its a lot of information so lets dive in!

 

🌍 Overview

  • For this patch, some of the major areas of interest are
  • Visible Supply Lines & Attack Origins in the Galactic War.
  • Stratagem, weapon, planet, and enemy balancing updates.
  • Various crash fixes, stability improvements, and other updates.
  • Invite-only lobby creation.
    • The right most option in the Lobby settings. Currently only localized in English. Additional languages coming in the next patch

 

⚖️ Balancing

 

Goal with stratagem balance changes this patch:

With these balance changes we wanted to buff up some of the weaker stratagems to make them more viable and add more possibility for variety in the loadouts. We also changed a few to make them more consistent, but the goal was to keep a similar or higher power level.
We are looking into the stratagems more to see if there are any other stratagems that might need some buffs or changes to make them more viable. We also want to be better at explaining what our goals are with the changes, please see the linked blog post for more information.

 

A/MLS-4X Rocket Sentry

  • Decreased spread
  • Prioritize larger targets
  • Increased target distance from 75 to 100m
  • Decreased Rockets per salvo 2 to 1 (to get a better ammo economy)
  • Increased explosion radius from 1m to 4m
  • Decreased explosion armor penetration (Explosion can no longer damage heavy armored enemies. The projectile still has enough AP to damage heavily armored targets.)
  • Increased projectile damage from 200 to 300

 

A/MG-43 Machine gun sentry

  • Reduced cooldown from 180 sec to 120 sec.

 

A/MG-43 Machine gun Sentry, A/G-16 Gatling Sentry, A/MLS-4X Rocket Sentry, A/AC-8 Autocannon Sentry, A/M-12 Mortar Sentry, A/M-23 EMS Mortar Sentry:

 

  • Increased durability* from 0% to 80%

 

E/MG-101 HMG Emplacement

  • Increased rotation speed by 100%

 

MD-6 Anti-Personnel Minefield

  • Increased explosion damage from 250 to 350

 

MD-I4 Incendiary Mines

  • Increased explosion damage from 150 to 210

 

Orbital Gatling

  • Increased fire rate by 25%
  • Increased rounds per salvo from 30 to 60
  • Increased armor penetration (Can damage heavy armored enemies)
  • Decreased cooldown from 80 sec to 70 sec

 

Orbital Precision strike

  • Decreased cooldown from 100 sec to 90 sec
  • Decreased Spawn/Call-in time from 4 sec to 2 sec

 

Orbital Airburst Strike

  • Decreased cooldown from 120 sec to 100 sec

 

Eagle 110MM Rocket Pods

While these changes may look like a straight up nerf, that is not the intention. Please see the blogpost for more information.
  • Improved targeting
  • Increased projectile armor penetration (now does 100% damage to heavily armored enemies instead of 50%)
  • Decreased projectile damage 600 to 250 (to compensate for the improved targeting and the extra damage from the increased armor penetration.)
  • Decreased explosion armor penetration (explosion can no longer damage heavily armored enemies)

 

Eagle Strafing Run

  • Increased uses from 3 to 4
  • Increased armor penetration, can now damage heavily armored enemies.

 

GL-21 Grenade Launcher

  • Increased explosion damage by from 350 to 400

 

MG-206 Heavy Machine Gun

  • Increased projectile damage from 100 to 150
  • Increased projectile damage against durable* body parts from 23% to 33%
  • Decreased fire rate from 450/750/900 to 450/600/750
  • Decreased reload time from 7 to 5.5 sec
  • Increased stagger strength

 

MG-43 Machine Gun

  • Decreased reload time from 4 to 3.5 seconds
  • Increased max amount of Magazines from 3 to 4

 

MG-43 Machine Gun, A/MG-43 Machine gun Sentry, A/G-16 Gatling Sentry and EXO-45 Patriot Exosuits Gatling

  • Increased projectile damage from 80 to 90
  • Increased projectile damage against durable* body parts from 7.5% to 25%

 

AR-23 Liberator, M-105 Stalwart and AX/AR-23 “Guard dog”

  • Increased projectile damage against durable* body parts from 10% to 23%

 

AR-23C Liberator Concussive

  • Increased projectile damage against durable* body parts from 23% to 35%

 

BR-14 Adjudicator

  • Increased magazine capacity from 25 to 30
  • Increased projectile damage against durable* body parts from 10% to 20%

 

AR-61 Tenderizer

  • Increased projectile damage from 60 to 95
  • Increased projectile damage against durable* body parts from 10% to 17%
  • Decreased ammo capacity from 35 to 30
  • Decreased number of magazines from 10 to 8
  • Increased stagger strength

 

PLAS-101 Purifier

  • Increased projectile armor penetration to be the same as the explosion
  • Decreased explosion damage falloff

 

CB-9 Explosive Crossbow

  • Increased explosion armor penetration to be the same as the projectile
  • Increased demolition strength (Can destroy Bug holes and Bot Fabricator buildings)
  • Added medium penetration tag

 

R-36 Eruptor

  • Increased total damage from 420 to 570 damage per shot

 

R-63 Diligence

  • Increased projectile damage against durable* body parts from 10% to 25%
* Some enemies have durable body parts that receive only a portion of base damage from projectiles

 

Other

  • Updated Recoil stance modifiers: We made changes to the recoil stance modifiers to make them more consistent and also reward being prone more. Almost all of them will improve the recoil and only a two have been made worse (and only by 10%).
See the blogpost for a more detailed description.

 

🎮 Gameplay

 

General

  • Removed operation modifier AA-Defenses: Reducing the stratagem slots by 1
    • We want to look over the operation modifiers in the future. Right now there are too few of them which become repetitive and the ones we have do not create variety or promote different playstyles. For now, we removed this one because it only encourages the players to bring the best stratagems and does not promote variety
  • Disabled the Retrieve Essential Personnel defend event mission for the time being
    • This is to give the mission the proper attention and care that it deserves as it is now deemed not fun enough or performing as we want it to.
  • Super Samples
    • Super samples now spawn on difficulty 6. The reason for this change is that we feel that their existence only on difficulty 7+ forced some players to play the game on a harder difficulty than they wanted to comfortably play on. We do however still want a gating of them but a less punishing one.
  • The SEAF Artillery stratagem is no longer blocked by stratagem jammers or Ion Storms, and is available after the mission timer ends and the destroyer leaves close orbit.
  • Enemies in melee range of the gates in the Evacuate High-Value Assets mission will now attack it more consistently.
  • Added the ability to chat from in-game menus and mission loading screen.
  • Updated some first person crosshairs to improve readability.

 

Social

  • Invite-Only lobbies are now supported

 

Armors

  • New armor passive Peak Physique (+50% melee damage, +30% weapon ergonomics)

 

Planets & Hazards

  • Spike Plant
    • The spike plant that appears on certain planets has been reworked.
    • No longer causes bleed or stamina drain if hit by the plant explosion or spikes.
    • Now “pops” three times sending spikes everywhere, dealing increased damage.
  • Fire Tornados
    • Fire tornados have had their behavior changed, they should no longer feel like they actively respond to player movement, and should move more randomly.
    • While a fire tornado storm takes place, enemy vision is reduced. Player vision is unaffected.
*Fire tornados being more random should result in more variance in situations players find themselves in. Tornados are significantly less likely to pile up and overlap on extraction points or objectives, and will generally be a bit easier to deal with.
  • Tremors
    • Tremors have had their spawning tweaked to be slightly more random.
    • Tremors have had their epicenter size and effect range increased.
*These changes should result in more situations where enemies away from the player get stunned, as well as reducing how consistently the player has a tremor occur next to them.
  • Ion Storms
    • Added additional VFX for Ion Storms.
  • Visibility
    • A lot of planets have had their fog amounts tweaked to be a bit less harsh and dense, to provide less fatigue from constantly fighting on planets with bad visibility. We still intend there to be foggy planets with worse visibility, but the balance was a bit off.
      • Desert planets such as Erata Prime, Chort Bay, Hellmire, and similar.
      • Highlands planets such as Varylia 5, Matar Bay, Oshaune, and similar.
      • Artificial light sources have had their intensity rebalanced and reduced across the board to fix situations of lights completely blinding the player.
  • Unexploded Hellbomb
    • The unexploded malfunctioning hellbombs that can sometimes be found on planets will now explode immediately if hit with strong explosions or heavy weaponry. They will still have the same delay if hit by small arms fire or weaker attacks.
  • Vegetation
    • Vegetation that’s large enough to slow the player now has an extra function. When inside the vegetation helldivers will be harder to detect, reducing their detection range by enemies. This effect stacks with other detection reducing effects such as nighttime, being crouched or prone, or things such as the scout armor passive.

 

Enemies

  • Acid Effect
    • The acid effect applied by hunters, bug mines, etc. now allows you to sprint while under the effect and slows you by 30% instead of 50%. Duration has been increased from 3 to 4 seconds. These changes are intended to make it less punishing for players to be slowed while fighting the Terminids, This allows us to use it in more places without making the experience very punishing, for example the Bile Spewers.
  • Armored enemy balance
    • We have toned down the amount of heavily armored enemies like Bile Titans, Chargers on higher difficulties and instead spawn more hordes of smaller enemies, the difference should be quite noticeable and the amount should be at least 30% less than before during bug breaches. We have also toned down slightly how many Hulks that spawn for the Automatons. Our intent is to ease up on the demand of anti-tank weapons and by having more of the other enemies give a better incentive for the group to bring stratagems and weapons that take care of hordes.
  • Patrols
    • Patrol spawning is now back to how it worked before patch 01.000.300 with some slight tweaks so that the levels are less empty if you are far away from important locations with enemy presence.
  • Stunning
    • Medium and large sized enemies now don't get stunned as easily. This will not affect the stratagems that stun, and will mostly just affect how easily the Pummeler can stun larger enemies

 

🐜 Terminids

  • Bile Spewer and Nursing Spewer
    • Spewers will now get slowed if they lose their legs.
    • Spewer puke now applies the acid effect.
    • Spewer puke now can only damage helldivers up to 4 times per second and the helldiver cannot take damage multiple times from the same projectile. This should reduce instances where you are instantly killed by it.
  • Bile Titan
    • The Bile Titan’s head is slightly less durable against weaker anti-tank weapons. It's not a large change, and will mostly matter for weapons like the railgun.
    • The Bile Titan’s puke can now only damage the helldiver 4 times per second and the helldiver cannot take damage multiple times from the same projectile. The damage is still very deadly so running through their puke is not recommended. Their puke now also has a bigger spread.
  • Charger Behemoth
    • The Charger Behemoth is now joining the battle on higher difficulties, it can now also take more damage than before. This enables us to spawn fewer chargers but still retain the difficulty.
  • Chargers
    • Will now only show bleedout effects from the body if the bleedout state has started. It can still show bleedout effects from the mouth without having started the bleedout state.

 

🤖 Automatons

  • Hulk Scorcher
    • The Hulk’s flamethrower now does less damage and cannot damage helldivers more than 4 times per second. In addition, the helldiver cannot be damaged multiple times by the same flame projectile. This should reduce instances where you are instantly killed by it.
  • Automaton Tanks
    • The Tank armor value on the front has been lowered to be the same as the non-vent sections on the rear of the tank. The intent was initially that it was supposed to be more armored in the front, but the visual language did not show that.
    • The vents on the back of the Tanks turret still has the same armor value as before, but will check for explosion directions correctly now.
  • The damage of exploding automaton jump packs has been decreased by 50%, it will still set you on fire though.

 

🌍 Galactic War

 

Introducing Supply Lines & Origin of Attacks

Supply lines were previously not shown on the Galactic War map to reduce clutter and improve readability. However based on the feedback from our community we have made an implementation showing them on the map. This solution tries to maintain the general readability while still exposing the system to players in game.
You will now also be able to see which planet an attack is originating from, potentially allowing for the community to stop the attack at its source.
We have also updated visuals in the sector and planet info pop-ups.

 

🔧 Fixes

  • The FAF-14 Spear targeting has been reworked and should now function much better. However it has lost the ability to target Automaton Spawners, this is not intended and will be fixed in the future.
  • Intense Heat and Extreme Cold environmental modifiers will now affect the Quasar Cannon’s reload speed and will show correctly in the HUD.
    • Reload speed on Cold planets -2.5 sec
    • Reload speed on Hot planets +2.5 sec
  • The radar pulse that detects enemies on the mini-map is now visible.
  • Most of Automatons weapons have now gotten tighter limits to how much the projectile they shoot can deviate from its weapons muzzle angle. What this means is that situations where devastators shoot sideways and similar should be fixed.
  • The weapons of the Exosuits are now allowed small adjustments in the angle they fire their projectiles versus their muzzle angle. This should make their weapons more accurate.
  • Ballistic shield now collides with grenades.
  • The unblock button should no longer disappear from the social menu.
  • Blocked players can no longer join the blockers lobby through recent players.
  • Fixed a bug where enemies killed, missions played, and missions completed stats would not be properly displayed in armory.
  • Fixed issue where the player can throw an unlimited amount of grenades by pressing the "Quick grenade" button right after closing the Stratagem menu.
    • Helldiver now also switches to the last active weapon when out of grenades, fixing the issue where they would be holding a stratagem ball without the stratagem menu being open.
  • Fixed some text overlap in various locations.
  • The burning effect applied to the player when a combat walker dies is now a normal burn. The intent is that you should be able to escape it alive. But you will be on fire so hit the ground!
  • The extraction shuttle can no longer take damage preventing extraction. New high grade materials directly from Super Earth R&D have been utilized.
  • On PC you can now navigate the super credits menu with “WASD” keys
  • Fixed an issue where sample count in missions were incorrectly displayed
  • Levels no longer generate with blocked areas preventing player progression.
  • Your Ships bridge is no longer cast in perpetual shadow.
  • Reduced situations where blue stratagems would bounce when placed next to the detector tower.
  • The warbond menu now displays correct emote & victory poses in the thumbnail.
  • War Medals cap is now displayed in the UI.
  • Fixed a bug where the Helldivers armor could appear invisible for other players.
  • Refined player reporting UI.
  • Fixed issue where Helldivers could be launched into the air if close to a Bile Titan or Factory Strider corpse.
  • Fix for Factory Strider sometimes spawned an extra model after being destroyed.
  • Reduced situations where helldivers could spontaneously die while walking into seemingly walkable valleys on some planets.
  • Fixed rare issue on arctic planets where players could spontaneously die close to large bodies of water.
  • Fixed Pelican-1 sometimes leaving immediately after any player gets onboard.
  • Fixed bug where helldiver could get stuck in grenade idle state after throwing grenades
  • Fix Superior Packing Methodology not working for other peers.
  • Recent Players list will now include hot-joining players.
  • Relaxed disconnection policy for PC users.
  • Fixed an issue where previous sessions' player names might not be saved correctly when restarting.
  • Defend event attack origin now visualized when hovering the planet with the defend event or the attack origin planet.
  • Implemented outlines for previously poorly readable texts.

 

Crash Fixes

  • General crash fixes.
  • Fix for a crash that could occur when applying wounds to multiple enemies.
  • PlayStation Only: Fixed an issue that would sometimes cause a crash when switching between Quality and Performance mode.
  • Fix for a crash when a player leaves after all their railguns have exploded.
  • Fix for crash that could occur when rejoining a previous session
  • Fix for crash that occurred when trying to throw a snowball in ADS mode
  • Fix for potential crash when loadout is aborted during hotjoin.
  • Fix for rare crash linked to leaving a session while aiming a weapon.

 

🧠 Known Issues

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Sending friend requests via friend code in game currently does not work.
  • Players may be unable to be joined or invited to the game.
  • Players added to the 'Recent Players' list will appear in the middle of the list.
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts.
  • Spear targeting is unable to target Automaton Spawners.
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions.
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire.
  • Most weapons shoot below the crosshair when aiming down the sights.
  • Plasma Punisher is unable to shoot out of the shield generators.
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but it will deploy to its original location.
  • Helldiver may be unable to stand up from crouching when surrounded by enemies.
  • "Hand Carts" ship module does not reduce Shield Generator Pack's cooldown.
  • Bile Titan sometimes does not take damage to the head.
  • Charger’s butt does not take damage from explosions.
  • Players may become stuck in the Loadout when joining a game in progress.
  • Reinforcement may not be available for players who join a game in progress.
  • Planet liberation reaches 100% at the end of every Defend mission.
  • "Raise Flag of Super Earth" objective does not show a progress bar.
  • Mission count in the Career tab is being reset to zero after every game restart.
  • Some weapons’ descriptions are out-of-date and don’t reflect their current design.
  • BR-14 Adjudicator has incorrect recoil values

 

May Liberty always guide your path
Release Captain Carlberg out

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 1.000.305 ⚙️ June 1

 

🔧 Fixes

  • Fixed an issue causing enemies to spawn on the drill during the Operation: Enduring Peace order mission.

 

🧠 Known Issues

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Players may not have the option to send, accept or decline friend requests.
  • Players may not have the option to Block other players.
  • Blocked players are not added to the Blocked Player list or prevented from joining games.
  • Game may crash if the player changes the text language while on a mission.
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts.
  • Players may occasionally receive excessive XP.
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions.
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire.
  • Most weapons shoot below the crosshair when aiming down the sights.
  • AR-61 Tenderizer deals too little damage and is not in the final state we are intending.
  • Spear’s targeting is inconsistent, making it hard to lock-on to larger enemies.
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but it will deploy to its original location.
  • Helldiver may be unable to stand up from crouching when surrounded by enemies.
  • "Hand Carts" Ship module does not reduce Shield Generator Pack's cooldown.
  • Some players might become stuck in the Loadout when joining a game in progress.
  • Reinforcement may not be available for some players who join a game in progress.
  • Planet liberation reaches 100% at the end of every Defend mission.

 

 

🛠️ Patch 1.000.304 ⚙️ May 14

Greetings fellow Divers! Small patch deploying to a Super Destroyer near you

 

🌍 Overview

For this patch, we have made improvements and changes to the following areas:
  • Crash fixes
  • Misc fixes

 

🔧 Fixes

 

Crashes

  • Fixed a crash triggered when the host left after a player hot joined.
  • Fixed an occasional crash in the Loadout menu.
  • Fix for a rare crash when transitioning to or from the ship.

 

Misc Fixes

  • Fixed players getting stuck on the mission summary screen when the host leaves.
  • Fixed the issue of non-purchased Super Credits not being visible in the Warbond Overview screen (only relevant for Japanese release).
  • Optional account linking now available in the Account section of the in-game settings.
  • Fixed 'Steam AppId supplied invalid or not allowed' being shown due to a different error.
  • Fix attachments on weapons showing up as purple question marks in the tutorial in some cases.
  • Airburst proximity explosion is now triggered only by enemies & Helldivers.
  • The AR-61 Tenderizer now has the correct color scheme.

 

🧠 Known Issues

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Players may not have the option to send, accept or decline friend requests.
  • Players may not have the option to Block other players.
  • Blocked players are not added to the Blocked Player list or prevented from joining games.
  • Game may crash if the player changes the text language while on a mission.
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts.
  • Players may occasionally receive excessive XP.
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions.
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire.
  • Most weapons shoot below the crosshair when aiming down the sights.
  • AR-61 Tenderizer deals too little damage and is not in the final state we are intending.
  • Spear’s targeting is inconsistent, making it hard to lock-on to larger enemies.
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but it will deploy to its original location.
  • Helldiver may be unable to stand up from crouching when surrounded by enemies.
  • "Hand Carts" Ship module does not reduce Shield Generator Pack's cooldown.
  • Some players might become stuck in the Loadout when joining a game in progress.
  • Reinforcement may not be available for some players who join a game in progress.
  • Planet liberation reaches 100% at the end of every Defend mission.

 

Release Captain Carlberg out

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 01.000.303 ⚙️ May 8

 

🌍 Overview

For this patch, we have made improvements and changes to the following areas:
  • Crash fixes

 

🔧 Fixes

 

Crashes

  • Fix for common crash related to damage over time use
  • Fix for very common crash related to hot joining quickplay session that become full
This unfortunately means that hot joining players won't show up in the recent players list until they drop down to the planet, or not at all if they leave from the loadout.

 

🧠 Known Issues

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Players may not have the option to send, accept or decline friend requests.
  • Blocked players are not added to the Blocked Players list and are not prevented from joining games.
  • Reinforcement may not be available for some players who join a game in progress.
  • Helldiver may be unable to stand up from crouching when surrounded by enemies.
  • Game may crash if the player changes the text language while on a mission.
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts.
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions.
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire.
  • Spear’s targeting is inconsistent, making it hard to lock-on to larger enemies.
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but it will deploy to its original location.
  • Explosions do not break your limbs (except for when you fly into a rock).
  • Area around Automaton Detector Tower makes blue stratagems such as the Hellbomb bounce and be repelled when trying to call them down close to the tower.
  • Planet liberation reaches 100% at the end of every Defend mission.
  • Some weapons in the tutorial have missing parts presenting as question marks in some cases.
  • Hot joining players won't show up in the recent players list until they drop down to the planet, or not at all if they leave from the loadout.

 

Release Captain Carlberg out

 

 

🛠️ PATCH 01.000.302 ⚙️ May 7

A democratic day to you Helldivers and Citizens
Today we bring you yet another patch addressing various freedom hampering issues

 

🌍 Overview

For this patch, we have made improvements and changes to the following areas:
  • Some weapon and enemy balancing
  • Crash fixes
  • Social Menu issues
  • DoT damage fix
  • Misaligned scopes fix
  • General fixes and improvements

 

⚖️ Balancing

 

Primary, Secondary, & Support Weapons

R-9 Eruptor
  • Increased explosion damage by 40 and removed shrapnel from the explosion
  • This is to avoid cases in which players would randomly one-shot themselves or their teammates in a huge radius around the explosion

 

Enemies

  • Increased Shrieker sight and hearing range slightly.
  • Increased Gunship hearing range slightly.

 

🔧 Fixes

 

Gameplay

  • We have fixed issues with the way Damage-over-time effects were being applied. This should fix issues where only the network session owner could apply them, and other cases where they would be applied inconsistently.
  • Firing the Punisher Plasma while wearing a shield backpack no longer damages the Helldiver
  • Fixed issues with some weapon scopes not being aligned in First-Person-View.
  • The sound when stimming no longer plays while being interrupted
  • Major orders with the “Kill task” now track score correctly. Previously it counted the entire squad’s kills once for each player, meaning it would multiply the score by the number of people on the mission; this is now amended.
  • Helldivers can no longer land on tall rocks in the “Horde Defend Missions”
  • Helldivers can no longer land on top of bug pillars in Deactivate Terminid Control System missions
  • Fix for the reinforce stratagem not being present if a Helldiver leaves the session before readying up and then hot joining the active session

 

Crashes

  • Fixed a crash that could occur when all players were dead on the “Deactivate Terminid Control System” mission
  • Fixed a crash that could occur on game shutdown
  • Fixed a crash that could occur when leaving the mission and rejoining
  • Fixed a crash that could occur at the end of cutscenes
  • Fixed a crash that could occur when diving into missions
  • Fixed a tutorial crash that could occur on PC when ALT+Tabbing
  • Fixed a rare crash that could occur when using beam weapons
  • Fixed a rare crash that could occur for players on startup when using VPN
  • Fixed a soft lock that could occur if the player would open the text chat while having the stratagem menu open
  • Other general crash fixes

 

Social Menu fixes

  • PC players adding friends through friend codes can no longer show up as “Unknown”
  • Fixed overlapping footers inside menus
  • Steam friends should now be visible in Social Menu, even though Friends List is not set to Public in Steam Privacy Settings
  • Recent Players list will now include hot-joining players
  • Players are now able to unblock players that were not in their friends list beforehand
  • Fixed issue with empty friend-names in Social Menu
  • Lobby privacy mode text updates immediately when changed
  • Player names longer than 26 characters should now update properly in the Social Menu
  • Fixed issue where non-host players could kick others indiscriminately including the host

 

Other

  • Total purchased counter on the right side of the Robotics Workshop section no longer displays 7 / 8 despite all stratagems being purchased
  • Resolved some edge cases related to Steam AppId related errors on login

 

🧠 Known Issues

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Players may not have the option to send, accept or decline friend requests.
  • Blocked players are not added to the Blocked Players list and are not prevented from joining games.
  • Reinforcement may not be available for some players who join a game in progress.
  • Helldiver may be unable to stand up from crouching when surrounded by enemies.
  • Game may crash if the player changes the text language while on a mission.
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts.
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions.
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire.
  • Spear’s targeting is inconsistent, making it hard to lock-on to larger enemies.
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but it will deploy to its original location.
  • Explosions do not break your limbs (except for when you fly into a rock).
  • Area around Automaton Detector Tower makes blue stratagems such as the Hellbomb bounce and be repelled when trying to call them down close to the tower.
  • Planet liberation reaches 100% at the end of every Defend mission.
  • Some weapons in the tutorial have missing parts presenting as question marks in some cases.

 

Release Captain Carlberg wishes you continued success in your democratic endeavors

 

 

Not a whole lot of meat in the latest Helldivers 2 patch on May 2, but it does fix some bad crashes that occur at inopportune times, especially after the previous patch.

Those issues with cross-platform friends and cross-play invites continue to persist, for what seems like months now.

Read more further down below, to find out about other issues that have NOT been resolved yet. Check out the rest of our guides for potential fixes on some of them, if you continue to be denied your right to deliver democracy.

 

🛠️ PATCH 01.000.301 ⚙️ May 2

Auspicious day all Helldivers out there.
Small patch rolling out before the weekend!

 

🌍 Overview

For this patch, we have addressed some crashes as well as performance improvements following the decline from the last patch:
  • Performance improvements
  • Crash fixes

 

🔧 Fixes

  • Fix for a crash that could occur during the post mission end screen
  • Fix for crash which could occur when destroying automaton tanks.

 

🧠 Known Issues [Unchanged since patch 1.000.300]

These are issues that were either introduced by this patch and are being worked on, or are from a previous version and have not yet been fixed.
  • Damage-over-time effects may only apply when dealt by the host. We expect to have this fixed in the next patch.
  • Reinforcement may not be available for some players who join a game in progress.
  • Helldiver may be unable to stand up from crouching when surrounded by enemies.
  • Game may crash if the host leaves while dead and rejoins the same play session.
  • Game may crash if the player changes the text language while on a mission.
  • Various issues involving friend invites and cross-play:
  • Friend Request cannot be accepted when the requesting player changed their username before the request was accepted.
  • Cross-platform friend invites might not show up in the Friend Requests tab.
  • Players cannot unfriend players befriended via friend code.
  • Players cannot unblock players that were not in their Friends list beforehand.
  • Players may experience delays in Medals and Super Credits payouts.
  • Enemies that bleed out do not progress Personal Orders and Eradicate missions.
  • Scopes on some weapons such as the Anti-Materiel Rifle are slightly misaligned.
  • Arc weapons sometimes behave inconsistently and sometimes misfire.
  • Spear’s targeting is inconsistent, making it hard to lock-on to larger enemies.
  • Stratagem beam might attach itself to an enemy but it will deploy to its original location.
  • Explosions do not break your limbs (except for when you fly into a rock).
  • Area around Automaton Detector Tower makes blue stratagems such as the Hellbomb bounce and be repelled when trying to call them down close to the tower.
  • Planet liberation reaches 100% at the end of every Defend mission.

 

Release Captain Carlberg signing off

 

If you missed the previous patch notes, read all about it right here:

Helldivers 2 Update Patch Notes 01.000.300 April 29

 

Those are the recent patch notes up through July 10 for Helldivers 2.

RPG NPC Definitely Disguising His MLM As A Sidequest

Posted on by Ellie Fitzpatrick

STEEPGROVE WATCH — A local player character has begun to suspect that the elaborate, multi-stage side quest given to her by the nameless local apothecary is a cover for a pyramid scheme, frustrated sources confirm. 

“It started off pretty standard,” said Cirrus, an adventurer. “The Apothecary asked me if I could go into a nearby cave and bring him back some weeds so he could perfect a potion recipe. I figured it would be an easy way to get some experience points. I think I loaded 40 saves just trying to get past the giant larvae man guarding the cave.”

“For all that trouble, I was expecting a pretty hefty reward, but the apothecary just told me to go find his reclusive former mentor and convince him to start selling potions,” Cirrus added. “Now I have to track down more random NPCs who are all on different sides of the map and rope them into this potion scam.”

Cirrus is not the first protagonist to fall prey to The Apothecary’s scheme. 

“I had to sidetrack my companion’s heart wrenching quest to regain his honor and dignity after a lifetime of war left him a shell of a man because of these stupid potions,” recalled Leila, who discovered the sidequest on her third playthrough. “I barely remember what the main quest is. This is no longer an open world action RPG, this is a thankless sales representative simulation. I don’t even know what the potion does because the apothecary won’t let me have any until I find six recruits.”

Fellow NPC and side quest giver The Shopkeep provided further comment on his coworker’s behavior. 

“He ruined it for the rest of us. None of these new heroes of the realm want to do side quests anymore because they think we’re trying to trap them into some kind of ponzi scheme,” said The Shopkeep. “I swear I really am just a humble shopkeeper who needs your help to solve the mystery of my missing wife. And I will actually reward you with 150 gold pieces and a neat gun if you complete the quest! My sidequest won this game a fucking GLAAD award, but everyone’s too busy looking for those stupid weeds.”

At press time, Cirrus has finished the quest and been rewarded with one vial of the potion, which provides +1 to perception until her next rest.

Nintendo Switch 2 Getting Day One Joy-Con Drift

Posted on by Nick Coffman

REDMOND, Wash. — Earlier today, Nintendo announced that each Nintendo Switch 2 will come preloaded with Joy-Con drift upon release.

“We know a lot of you were disappointed with the Joy-Con drift in the original Nintendo Switch,” said Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America, during a Nintendo Direct stream. “I lost sleep knowing that so many console players weren’t getting the full Nintendo Switch experience. That’s why with our new console, I personally promise that each and every Nintendo Switch 2 will come preloaded with Joy-Con drift. No one should have to play the latest edition of Mario Kart without unintentionally steering into a wall.”

Before the excitement of preloaded Joy-Con drift could wear off, Bowser shared more juicy details about the upcoming console.

“I’m also here to announce the return of a beloved staple to many Switch players. You’ve been shouting for it since its original release in 2017,” Bowser said, grabbing the ear of every Hollow Knight fan within a 250-mile radius of the stream. “Today, I can finally announce that we at Nintendo are proud to welcome the return of the flimsy Nintendo Switch kickstand. You asked. We answered. Take that, Steam Deck!”

Even with these huge announcements from the Big N, some gamers left the Nintendo Direct concerned about the future of the company and its new console.

“Do you guys ever think we deserve this? Like really. Nintendo feeds us slop because we just lap it up, no questions asked,” started one highly upvoted Reddit post on r/Nintendo. “Yeah, the day one Joycon drift and the return of the flimsy kickstand are awesome, but where the hell is my next-gen Starfox? It’s been two whole console generations since Star Fox Zero. Where is Fox McCloud, Doug? You can wave all these fancy bells and whistles in our face, but until I see some proof of life on the series, I cannot commit to a Switch 2.”

At press time, Bowser had been stuffed in the trunk of a car by a masked militia of angry Hollow Knight and Star Fox fans.

Enemies Still Attacking Main Character’s Corpse

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

BANDITS’ COVE — Following a failed attempt to destroy a bandit hideout in obscure PlayStation 2 action RPG “Mythos III: Spilea,” enemy bandits had begun repeatedly attacking the main character’s fallen corpse, sources claim.

“Whooo! Yeah! How do you like that?” cheered an unnamed bandit, repeatedly shooting at the player’s lifeless body as if it was still a threat. “This will show you not to mess with us!” With this, the bandits briefly paused to reload their rifles before they continued shooting.

“I guess it’s cool they give you a ‘cinematic’ shot of your death and all, but to be honest, it felt excessive,” complained player character Vivian Credit, watching the bandits’ assault as she floated, incorporeal, waiting to respawn. “Honestly, it would even be more satisfying if they celebrated over my corpse. Or at least they could walk away. But instead they just keep attacking, like they don’t even realize you’re dead. I mean, I won’t be dead for long, but still.”

While the bandits remained enthusiastic, not all of the game’s NPCs were enthusiastic about such irrational behavior.

“Aye, me crew be loyal, but they ain’t much for conversation,” said Bandit King McGee, the intended boss at the end of the failed sidequest. “I told them to be on the lookout for intruders, but I didn’t mean all the time. I be tryin’ to talk to them at lunch, ask their plans for the weekend, but all they ever want to say is ‘Huh? I heard something!’ I know we be bandits, but there be more to life than attackin’ adventurers who invade the hideout, ye know? The hideout be safe, though. Suppose I can’t complain about that.”

At press time, every shopkeeper in the game was still waiting patiently for the arrival of their only customer.

Dr Disrespect Claims Twitch User Was Actually Thousand-Year-Old Dragon

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

SAN DIEGO — Video game streamer Herschel Beahm IV, better known as Dr Disrespect, refuted accusations that he had sent graphic messages to an underaged Twitch user, claiming that they were actually an avatar for a magical beast from a time before human memory.

“Is it true that I engaged in a conversation with an ancient being temporarily taking on the corporeal form of an underaged schoolgirl? The answer is yes,” said Beahm in a statement released on X, formerly Twitter. “Was this conversation with an actual minor? The answer is absolutely not. It was actually a thousand-year-old dragon, so my conduct is beyond reproach. I didn’t technically do anything illegal, and if anything, the dragon tempted me into being inappropriate.” 

Multiple Twitch employees took issue with Beahm’s framing of the incident.

“It’s really beside the point,” said Jeffrey Harper, who worked in Twitch’s strategic partnerships department in 2020. “Sure, it’s possible that any of our users are actually fantasy creatures who have, for strange reasons known only to themselves, decided to take the form of teenage girls. We have no way of knowing that. All we have is the information listed on their profiles, but hey, that’s also the only information that Dr Disrespect had, too. For some reason, he found that persona attractive enough to send this user graphic messages and attempt to arrange a meetup. From the content of the messages, it seems unlikely that his use of the word ‘mount’ referred to taking flight on the back of a dragon.”

Conrad St. George, an expert on mythical creatures, said that Beahm’s account does not add up.

“Dragons, famously, want to kidnap young maidens and hold them captive,” said St. George. “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but it seems very unlikely to me that a dragon would take on the identity of their primary prey. I mean, it could be a ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’-type situation, but I can’t imagine that any dragon would want to attract Dr Disrespect. He seems like he’d taste weird. No, it’s much more likely that he’s just a creep.”

At press time, Beahm edited his statement to change the phrase, “thousand-year-old dragon,” to read, “individual.”

Game Night: ‘Capes’ Asks Some Pointed Questions About Superheroes

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Without looking, I assume that at least half the reviews for Capes used the phrase “superhero fatigue.” That might be its biggest problem: it came out a couple of years too late, after the MCU and DCU have run the genre through a cold-press juicer.

That being said, and to its credit, Capes is more of a reconstruction than anything else. It reminds me of Mark Waid and Alex Ross’s Kingdom Come with the generations flipped, where one of its major conflicts is built around the clash between a cynical ‘90s anti-hero and his more idealistic proteges.

Capes also reminds me of playing Dungeons & Dragons with a hungover sadist as the DM. It’s a strategy game in which the odds are always against you; your action economy is sharply limited, you’re given little room for error, and the game loves to drown you in waves of enemy reinforcements. Its developers have made an effort to address its problems, but my time with Capes so far has been punctuated by frustration.

20 years ago, King City was the superhero capital of the world, but then the villains won. 20 years later, they’ve gone corporate, and the “Company” rules King City with an army of masked goons. Anyone in town who develops super-powers, which is a weirdly common occurrence, gets abducted by Company mercenaries and is never seen again.

Doctrine is one of the last surviving superheroes from the old days, who’s stayed in King City for decades trying to find ways to strike back against the Company. One night, he finds and rescues two new superhumans: Facet is a law student who can generate strange green crystals, while Rebound is a cat burglar who can teleport. With no better options on the table, they become the first two recruits for Doctrine’s new team of anti-Company guerrillas, which the citizens of the city quickly nickname the Capes.

Mechanically, I have a laundry list of complaints about Capes that all come down to the same thing: it played like it was released too early. It was stable, and I had fun with a few missions, but it was in dire need of at least one good balance pass.

The version that I’ve been playing on Xbox feels like the developers were forced to go with their first stable build. Capes has never crashed or glitched out on me, but it’s got a lot of little problems that drag down the whole.

Primarily, it’s a question of artificial difficulty. There’s a real mismatch in Capes between what you’re capable of and what the game wants you to do, especially in its optional objectives. My run through the game on Normal was punctuated by huge waves of enemy reinforcements before I had any meaningful crowd-control abilities, stealth levels where I was routinely detected from all the way across the map, and boss fights with absolutely cracked damage output, all found in a game where you don’t get a real support character until roughly two-thirds of the way through. It does get better as you get more and weirder heroes on your roster, and you can pull off some truly decadent strategies in the mid-game, but the first couple of hours in Capes are a steep climb.

However, while I was writing this column, I discovered that most of my issues with Capes have been specifically addressed in a new patch that’s already out on Steam. It includes a couple of new difficulty levels, reshuffled objectives, a badly needed revamp to how stealth works, and specific tweaks to almost every mission. It’s one of the most sweeping reinventions of a released game that I’ve seen since No Man’s Sky, and I’m looking forward to seeing how Capes plays once that patch has been released for consoles.

Before I knew about the patch, I was going to say that I wanted to like Capes more than I did. It was clearly made for huge comic-book dorks by huge comic-book dorks, and as one of those dorks, it couldn’t help but hit me where I live.

There were two things that jumped out at me from the start. The first is that Capes isn’t a deliberate analogue for another universe. There are a lot of indie superhero comics that start with ersatz versions of the Justice League and/or Avengers – Invincible, The Boys, the first issue of Planetary, Gail Simone’s Leaving Megalopolis, etc – but Capes’ developers resisted that impulse. There are a few character parallels I could draw, but that has more to do with the flooded state of the genre than anything specific to Capes.

The second comes from Capes’ central conflict, which can be taken as an interesting metaphor for the evolution of the genre. Doctrine in particular is drawn to resemble an early Wildstorm character who’s gone to seed; picture John Lynch or Grifter after a decade-long whiskey bender.

From the start of the game, Doctrine wants the “Capes” to essentially be a paramilitary strike force in tights. He tries to dress it up with pragmatism, but Doctrine’s only real plan is to burn everything down and hope it leads to something better. There’s a real ‘90s sense of nihilism baked directly into the character.

Conversely, none of Doctrine’s pan-racial coalition of Capes are as ruthless or obedient as he wants them to be. Some are happy to wreck things, particularly Rebound, but most are some kind of idealist; they’ve got principles and they’re trying to figure out what might happen when and if they win. It parallels a lot of conversations I’ve seen and had about what superheroes actually stand for right now, by way of exploring a generational gap between eras of the medium.

That in turn makes Capes into a story that has some real resonance, especially on this particular week, where an old man’s inflexibility and cynicism is consistently a bigger problem than young people’s idealism and inexperience. In Capes, the kids are alright. It’s the adults who are the problem.