Judge Asks Defendant to Stop Calling the Jury ‘Chat’

Posted on by Garrison DeSieno

TACOMA, Wash. — A local judge has repeatedly reprimanded a Twitch streamer charged with defamation for referring to the jury as, “chat,” sources outside the courthouse confirm.

“Look at this clip, chat,” said Todd Gardner, who is being sued for making spurious claims about competing speedrunners. “There’s no shot this dude can whistle sprint out of the Shrine of Awakening that fast! It took me 100 hours to perfect that out of bounds clip. And as you know, truth is an iron-clad defense against claims of defamation. Thanks for the bits. Sorry, force of habit.”

The plaintiffs in the case attest that Gardner used his large sub count and influence to defame all other top 10 Breath of the Wild Any% speedrunners, directly resulting in official reviews from speedrun.com and removal from upcoming Games Done Quick lineups. 

“He told his mods to time out anyone who mentioned other runners because it was messing with his flow,” said Jaylen Graham, who competes in the same category as Gardner. “It’s just like how he keeps trying to get the bailiff to ‘kick’ any of my co-plaintiffs and I whenever we take the stand to testify against him. Yeah, when he refers to the ‘mod,’ he’s talking about the bailiff.”

After several similar outbursts, Gardner was held in contempt of court.

“You have blatantly disrespected both myself, my bailiff, and this jury with your failure to abide by the rules of this court,” said Judge Sandra Cooper. “It’s not just that you can’t string two sentences together without pausing to shout out gift subs. It’s not even that you asked to run a poll to audit the jury’s reaction in real time. No, the final straw was after I reprimanded you, and you told the bailiff to ‘ban’ me. Your Gen Z vernacular, after being explained to me by my niece, is completely out of line!”

At press time, Todd Gardner has been sentenced to a six month ban from Twitch along with the repayment of every gift sub he had received during his latest 48 hour stream. His 9th place BOTW Any% run has also been scrubbed from the leaderboards.

Opinion: My Coffee Table Has Gone Woke (Guest Column From a Guy Who Stubbed His Toe 3 Seconds Ago)

Posted on by Testament Crux

Yowch, that smarts! Sound the alarm bells, true patriots! Following an incident no less than three seconds ago, I’m sorry to inform you all that my coffee table has gone fully woke. I was just bringing a tall glass of raw unpasteurized milk to the living room so that I could play some Helldivers 2 without really thinking about the game’s overall themes. That’s when it happened: my toe was suddenly stubbed by my antifa DEI coffee table, a devastating blow that left me wracked with pain. That’s right: you’re not even safe from liberal attacks in your own home. Is nothing sacred to the left? Jesus, I hope I didn’t break something. Is that broken? Hm, no, I think we’re good. Still though, ouch.

This is no joke—I could’ve been killed. Forty-six seconds ago, my sock-clad big toe collided with the southeast leg of my coffee table at approximately 2.7 miles per hour. Following the stubbing, I was quoted as saying, “Gaaaaah, fuck! Son of a fucking bitch! Oh God, that’s a mother! Oh geez, ohohoho, ohhhhh boy, oh, that did one hell of a number on me.” My wife reports that I was loud enough to wake the kids, though this has been contested.

I ordered this TONSTAD oak veneer coffee table from IKEA as a housewarming gift for my wife on April 4th of last year. Little did I know that when I gave them my shipping address, I was actually doxxing myself. The attack on my family wouldn’t launch until well after the 180-day return period, however. After I retaliated by leaving a one-star review for the item, IKEA had this to say: “We apologize for any inconvenience. We’ll be sure to share your feedback with our sales leaders for internal review and future design improvements.” Can you believe it? Not one single mention of the woke mind virus that’s clearly infected the company! I’ll be buying from Bob’s from now on, thank you very much!

I urge you all, my brothers in arms against the woke terrorists, to join me in a boycott against IKEA. I’ve already posted a video of myself using the Satanic coffee table as firewood in my backyard. However, when I showed the woke mob that I’m not afraid of them, they only tried to silence me harder than ever. Due to an unrelated and entirely coincidental wildfire that burned down half my neighborhood, a woke state prosecutor is now attempting to press charges against me, using my awesome table-burning TikTok as evidence. According to her, “You can literally see the defendant flinging chunks of flaming wood behind the treeline.” Luckily, the Lord Almighty already sent President Trump to pardon me for my participation in the January 6th fight for freedom, so I’m confident that He will protect me a second time (God or Trump, whoever comes first).

Next week, I’ll be back with another column on the dangers of my wife’s woke divorce papers.

Game Night: It’s Good Vibes Only In ‘Spirit Swap,’ Except When It Isn’t

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Spirit Swap sells itself as a chill, low stakes/lo-fi match-3 puzzle game with relentlessly cheerful vibes. It is also a head-to-head fighter with neither justice nor mercy in its heart.

You could play this to wind down after a long day. You could also play it to tear apart your closest human relationships. Spirit Swap contains multitudes.

Granted, some of that’s on me. If I’m playing a match-3 puzzle game, it’s probably Bejeweled 3 or one of its legions of imitators. Compared to those, Spirit Swap has its own unique rhythm, which I’m told is closer to 1995’s Tetris Attack than anything else. That’s been messing with me. Even after several hours in-game and clearing Spirit Swap’s story mode, I keep trying to set up combos that it isn’t equipped to permit.

Naturally, that isn’t Spirit Swap’s fault. It is what it is, and there’s no point in criticizing it for what it clearly isn’t. However, it does accidentally illustrate how the game is built around what’s effectively an identity crisis; it wants to be an old-school arcade throwback and a calming relaxation app and a queer dating sim, all at the same time. It’s a balancing act, and sometimes it spills over.

In Spirit Swap’s story mode, you play as Samar, who lives in the woods outside the coastal town of Demashq. Every night, Samar wanders around banishing spirits who’d otherwise wander into Demashq to cause mayhem, through (what we’re told is) a painless “swapping” process.

One day, Samar goes into town to check on her friends, who’re all dealing with their own mundane crises: overwork, a recent breakup, feeling unappreciated. Each of them is also up to their ears in spirits, which shouldn’t have been able to get this far into Demashq, so Samar swings into action.

Despite that description, there isn’t much actual conflict in Spirit Swap’s story. You wrap up the “besieged by ghosts” issue within an hour or two and then proceed to scheduling hangouts with Samar’s friends and associates, a few of which might potentially develop into a romance. In between each scene, you swap some spirits as part of informal competitions with Samar’s friends.

In each round of Spirit Swap, rows of shaped blocks appear from the bottom of the screen and move up over time. You can only move them horizontally, but arranging 3 or more of the same block in a row banishes the spirits and makes them disappear. In competitive rounds, you can also flood your opponent’s screen with garbage blocks by pulling off big combos, which lowers the amount of space they have to work with.

It might take you some time to wrap your head around Spirit Swap’s mechanics, especially if you’re like me and you come into it with some baggage from other games in the same lane. It’s a deliberate throwback to an era when falling-block puzzles weren’t automatically considered a casual-friendly genre, particularly when and if you play it against other people. It’s easy to learn, but timing, foresight, and reaction speed all count for a lot.

On the two lowest difficulties, you should be able to cruise through Spirit Swap on autopilot, which is arguably where the game thrives. It’s a big plate of comfort food by design, featuring a broadly diverse cast of characters who’re all effortlessly comfortable in their own skin. Samar herself has no real problems, her friends are all lovable dopes at worst, and even the spirits do nothing worse than make the occasional mess. If you want something to plug into so you can wall off the world for a while, Spirit Swap has got your back like a jacket.

On higher difficulties, however, Spirit Swap turns into a surprisingly competitive experience that takes some visible inspiration from arcade fighters. I ran through the story mode on the second highest difficulty, on the assumption that I’ve got some puzzle chops, and the CPU promptly handed me my teeth. I had to buckle down and figure out how Spirit Swap’s systems worked before I started making headway, and even then it was touch and go.

That was more than I expected I’d get. I went into Spirit Swap thinking I was in for a casual-friendly puzzle game that would depend heavily on its music and overall vibes. That’s not an unfair description, and you can have a perfectly good time with Spirit Swap if you’re looking for a joyously queer dating simulator or something to chill you out at the end of your day. I’d like to be able to change the music in Endless mode, but that’s the only suggestion I’d make.

Spirit Swap also has some surprise potential as a head-to-head multiplayer game, however, and that ended up being more interesting to me than the rest of the overall package. It could use a few tweaks to add some depth, but I could see this developing over time into a solid new entry in the puzzle-fighter genre.

[Spirit Swap: Lofi Beats to Match-3 To, published and developed by Soft Not Weak, is now available for Xbox and PC via Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Soft Not Weak PR representative.]

Joe Biden Finally Tackles Steam Backlog

Posted on by Eddie Feeley

GREENVILLE, Del — Following his departure from the White House, Former President Joe Biden has resolved to use his new free time to finally tackle his Steam Backlog.

“I would just keep buying these games when I’d see them on sale, but I never had the time to sit down and play them,” said former President Biden in between generous licks of a vanilla swirl ice cream cone. “I was able to play so much stuff back when I was Vice President since I had so much time on my hands, but it turns out when you’re president they don’t give you any time for serious gaming. It’s a little intimidating to decide which one to start with. I haven’t even touched Baldur’s Age Erdtree but according to the forms that is a hell of a time sink. I remember back in my day you could be done with a game on a weekend, now it can take my entire remaining life expectancy.”

Biden’s wife Jill is reportedly pleased that her husband has found something to occupy his time now that he’s left office.

“I’m just glad Joe has something to do with his time,” said the former first lady. “It also helps that it isn’t a hobby he feels the need to flaunt about. Imagine if he got into painting or something like that. I’d rather jump into traffic than put up with another subpar art gallery from a former president.”

Video games historian Hester Grantiea spoke to the press to discuss the influence Biden’s presidency had on the last few years of gaming.

“The effects of the Biden presidency in gaming history is going to be noticed for another few years.” Grantiea said. “We as a culture need time to digest it. The last few years of gaming were taken up with villains that resemble Donald Trump or Elon Musk. The good news for Mr. Biden is that he won’t need to deal with any commentary about him or his lackluster actions, so he’ll be able to game in peace.”

At press time, Biden’s son Hunter has reportedly been trying to get him into Marvel Rivals, claiming that the characters are “rocking bodacious dump trucks”.

Sen. John Fetterman Wandering Capitol Building, Attacking Any Survivors

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — In hopes to combat the impending “woke mind virus” pandemic, the Trump Administration has turned Sen. John Fetterman into a Bio Organic Weapon (BOW) through injections of the Umbrella Corporation’s newly discovered t-Virus, sources in the Capitol confirm.

“We commend Senator Fetterman’s bipartisan support of this assault against the Democratic Party,” says Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, in between hiccups and belches. “Fetterman’s already ogre-like body type made him the perfect guinea pig for unsanctioned medical experimentation.”

The Umbrella Corporation, which was recently purchased – and litigiously amended to be founded – by Elon Musk, has been developing the t-Virus for years. The recent Fetterman success is the first of many attempted trials on Democratic officials.

“Fetterman’s musculature and bone structure were far more suited for the t-Virus than our last subject, Dianne Feinstein,” says Umbrella scientist, Dr. Emily Capone. “She was willing to do anything to keep a DEI hire out of her seat on the Senate.”

Sen. Fetterman, per the President’s request, has been stationed in the Capitol Building, patrolling the halls with slow, echoing footsteps, ready to pursue any Democrat who voted against the nominees for Trump’s cabinet.

“John’s a great guy. Big guy, strong guy, he came up to me the other day, with tears in his eyes and said ‘Mr. President, please inject me with the Trump virus,’ that’s what the “T” stands for, right? If not it should be,” said the President during a recent press conference regarding inflation. “But we had to get him out of those clothes. We had to. Did you see what he wore to my inauguration? He looked like Barron after gym class. So we put a little hat on him, and a big trench coat. I think he looks great, doesn’t he look great, folks? Now that I know this wonderful virus works, Eric and Don Jr are gonna have great futures here let me tell you.”

At press time, Umbrella representative Nemesis has replaced Doug Burgum as Trump’s Secretary of the Interior.

Oak Administration Orders ♂ and ♀ Symbols Removed From All Nidoran

Posted on by Simon Bower

PALLET TOWN — Newly re-elected President of Kanto, Professor Oak, has caused a stir after ordering all Nidoran♂ and Nidoran♀ to have the gender symbols in their Pokédex entries removed.

“This left wing gender insanity being pushed on our Pokémon is a disgrace,” President Oak ranted at a press conference earlier today. “My administration will only recognize two genders: purple and pointy, or blue and…not quite as pointy. Kantoians are sick of having all these Arceus-defying pronouns and symbols shoved in their faces. I don’t need to know what you identify as, I already asked if you were a boy or girl when you were 12 years old.”

Briefly pausing to offer the journalists present a choice between three starter Pokémon of opposing types, President Oak then resumed his blusterous verbal attack on the harmless and convenient identifier.

“It is sick and frankly criminal that Nidoran as young as level 5 are being pressured into assigning themselves one of these unnatural symbols by their DEI day cares,” he continued, sweat starting to brown the white collar of his lab coat. “They don’t need to think about that until they get to level 16, when the boys turn into Nidorinos and the girls really start to…develop. I remember when my Nidorina, Ivanka, first evolved and I tell you, I didn’t need any little sign after her name to see that she was all woman. But now the woké mob wants to let their Nidoran hold these Everstones, these evolution blockers, until they’re ready to commit to that massive change in their bodies. It’s unforgivable, really, and we’re going to put an end to it.”

Bill, the controversial inventor of the Pokémon Storage System recently confirmed into Oak’s newly created position of Efficiency Executive Verifying and Eliminating Excess, voiced his strong support for the President’s decision.

“As EEVEE, I’m honored to be helping President Oak protect the world from devastation like this,” said Bill, wearing a black shirt with a red ‘R’ on it that he later insisted was not in any way affiliated with Team Rocket. “Those symbols are the only reason I can think of for why my own Nidoran broke out of its Poké Ball and ran away. My friends at Silph Co. assure me that’s not supposed to be possible, but it’s happened to me like a hundred and fifty times.”

At press time, President Oak had just signed an executive order banning transformed Ditto from serving in Pokémon battles.

SHIELD Investigating Spider-Man After Call For Sentinel Raid on Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters

Posted on by Nick Coffman

NEW YORK — Members of the Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate are investigating Spider-Man after he allegedly made numerous anti-mutant posts on X. Nick Fury, Executive Director of SHIELD, confirmed he would be leading the investigation in a press conference earlier today. 

“We can confirm at this time that his account was not hacked by a supervillain,” Fury said, scowling to the press. “We don’t think he’s under the influence of any symbiotes or has been brainwashed. We also don’t suspect Ben Reilly is involved. What we believe we have here is a full hard-right heel turn. Spidey’s based now.”

Press flooded Fury with questions concerning Spider-Man’s motives and if we could expect other heroes to follow suit.

“We’ve checked with numerous superhero orgs and they all guarantee us they’re not pushing their members to be based,” Fury said, still scowling. “In the case of Spider-Man, I’ve known him for a while and I can promise, he’s always been an annoying troll.”

The webslingers anti-mutant rhetoric has driven New Yorkers out into the streets to protest the once beloved hero. Some are calling for his resignation. J. Jonah Jameson, Editor-in-Chief at the Daily Bugle and longtime outspoken Spider-Man critic sees this “New Spidey” as a breath of fresh air for the city.

“It’s about time he said what everyone else is thinking,” Jameson said on a recent episode of his podcast. “Maybe he’ll stop beating up hard working Americans just trying to make a living and focus on the real criminals like that wolf guy that doesn’t die, or that blind kid that shoots lasers out of his eyes. For Chirst sake, that Xavier clown is housing weapons of mass destruction. He literally has a negasonic warhead.”

At press time, Hulk had quote posted each of Spider-Man’s hateful X posts, simply replying, “Looking into it”.

“Ted Mosby Pretty Big Dick for Not Warning Us About Nazi Revival of 2025”

Posted on by Nick Coffman

NEW YORK — Stacey Fricks is done with fictional character Ted Mosby due to his failure to mention the 2025 Nazi problem in the character’s numerous anecdotes to his fictional children.

Fricks, the self-proclaimed, number one How I Met Your Mother superfan, shared her new stance on Ted with her roommates through the thin doors of her apartment.

“Ted Mosby is a pretty big dick for not even hinting at all this Nazi stuff in 2025.” Fricks shouted to her half asleep roommates. “I can kind of give him a pass for not mentioning Covid cause there’s a fan theory that Tracy probably died from Covid. I mean if you line up her death with the pandemic, it kind of makes sense, but Nazis, Ted, , you have to give us some kind of warning. He’s a smart guy. He wouldn’t be one of those people calling it “Elon’s Gesture”, he’d take a Nazi at face value.”

Frick’s fan theory filled rant continued into the night as she started to second guess just how smart Ted’s character actually was. .

“Ted did miss all the signs Robin was giving him that one time in season one. And he couldn’t read the room when Stella didn’t want any exes at their wedding. Oh god, he also dated that one punk chick who used to date that tattoo artist who was very Nazi-coded. Ted might actually be a Nazi.” Fricks said, spiraling out of control. “That’s it. From this day forward I will no longer watch How I Met Your Mother. No more Slapsgiving or the Naked Man for me.”

Fricks isn’t alone in her new found dislike of the show. Hundreds of very online HIMYM heads took to the internet to call for a boycott. Josh Radnor, the actor who portrayed Ted Mosby, commented on the boycott during an interview on CBS Mornings to discuss his upcoming HIMYM rewatch podcast, How We Made Your Mother.

“I personally denounce Nazis,” Radnor said, staring down the barrel of the camera. “Now Ted on the other hand, who’s to say? I guess you’ll just have to listen to How We Made Your Mother to get the full picture.”

At press time, Frick’s had started her 128th rewatch of HIMYM to prepare to listen to HWMYM in the hopes Ted’s nonchalance to Nazis would be given proper context.

Trump’s New Secretary of the Treasury Reassures Public He Has a Goddamn Plan for the Economy

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

WASHINGTON — The long awaited confirmation hearing of President Trump’s new Secretary of Treasury was held Thursday Morning. During the hearing Mr. Van Der Linde spoke about how he and the president were working together to bring about the economic plan he promised during his campaign. Insisting we all have a little goddamn faith because he has a plan.

“Look goddamn it, all I’m asking is that you people put your trust in me here,” Dutch Van Der Linde could be heard saying in Washington Thursday morning. “I’ve never led you astray before alright. Me and Donald are gonna handle it. We have a plan and you’re just gonna have to trust me, alright? Now, how many of you have robbed a bank before?”

Many senators remained unimpressed and even concerned by this pick after the hearing. Senator Klobuchar’s mouth was agape when Mr. Van De Linde described a possible scenario where he would hijack and rob Canadian trains and give that money directly to the American people.

“I don’t see how exactly a career criminal is the best choice for this position the president could come up with,” said Senator Raphael Warnock when asked outside Capitol Hill. “When I tried to ask him about any sort of actual experience he might have that would justify his nomination he just ranted about how he dealt with ‘those filthy bastard O’Driscolls’ which was surprisingly violent and disturbingly detailed.”

President Trump made a brief comment about the hearing in between signing his 15th democracy shattering executive order of the day.

“I love Dutch. Dutch is very good.  One of the best train robbers I’ve ever met. Classy guy to, always dresses well. I call him Dapper Dutch. We both love money and have a lot of it. We both have concepts of a plan. Dutch is gonna do tremendous things and he’s going to do them bigly.”

Mr. Van Der Linde was not available for comment after the hearing as he immediately hijacked a plane leaving from Dulles Airport to Tahiti later that day.

Hard Drive’s 30 Over 30: Games You Swear Are Only 20 Years Old

Posted on by Kate Danvers

Whether they’re games from your childhood or games your parents played in their childhood, thirty years is a long time, and it may be hard to fathom just how long ago that was. Take a journey back in time as we look at thirty games from the late 1900s. 

1994

Warcraft: Orcs & Humans

The game that launched the franchise that launched an MMORPG that launched the profession of gold farming. The original Warcraft is often credited as starting the real-time strategy (RTS) boom of the 90s, cementing its place as a multiplayer genre. What’s a real-time strategy game? It’s like a MOBA – actually MOBAs started as RTS mods and…look, just ask your dad.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3

No, not that one. The game! Shadow wasn’t even in that one and wouldn’t appear for another seven years. We did get Knuckles the same year though in the form of Sonic & Knuckles which was a cartridge that you could also plug Sonic the Hedgehog 2 or Sonic the Hedgehog 3 into to play as Knuckles in them. He wasn’t voiced by Idris Elba though. The 1990s were a rough time.

Donkey Kong Country

Donkey Kong’s big debut as the one you know today was in 1994. The grandson of the original Donkey Kong from the–hang on, the Donkey Kong arcade machine released in 1981. So more time has passed between the debut of the modern DK than between his debut and the debut of the original DK who became Cranky Kong. Why isn’t this Donkey Kong a grandfather by now? Or a great grandfather?

Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures

In 1994, Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures came onto the scene and immediately disappointed everyone who played it expecting a traditional Pac-Man or even a good game. This was before we could watch Twitch or YouTube let’s plays to find out what a game was.

Wolverine: Adamantium Rage

Speaking of games to trick your friends into playing, Wolverine: Adamantium Rage was horrible. You had to read slow-loading dossiers to figure out boss weaknesses, deal with awful controls, and hurry through some levels, otherwise an android made to look like a little girl in a pink dress flying around with rocket shoes would catch up to you and self-destruct.

Seriously. Her name was Elsie Dee. This is what Wolverine used to have for villains.

Super Metroid

Now played by speedrunners who weren’t even alive when it was released, Super Metroid is still one of the greatest Metroidvanias. If you were around when this game first released, you probably played it for hundreds of hours. And you have arthritis now. Worth it.

1993

Myst

Puzzle games used to be a lot different. 1993 saw the release of Myst, a game that fell into the “adventure” genre. There were no on-screen tutorials or hint systems that popped up if you were on the wrong path. The only hints you got were in burnt books sitting on the shelf in a library. Some of those books had people inside who talked to you like they were on a Discord call with a bad connection. Or, you know, Skype.

Mega Man X

The first Mega Man game on the Super Nintendo featured a new era with new villains and a new protagonist, X (no, not that one). It was actually the start of a whole new series that lasted all the way into 2004 even though it really really shouldn’t have.

Bomberman ‘94

Wait, Bomberman ‘94 came out in 1993? That can’t be right.

Yeah, released in Japan in December of 1993. Maybe it was ready sooner than they thought it would be or it was like how the “2025 football” season started in 2024, and that’s why we got Madden NFL 25 in August of…2013? And again in August 2024?

Fine, moving on.

SimCity 2000

Oh, come on! You know, we had a simple and easy to follow thing going on with putting numbers at the end of game titles and movie titles. I guess calling it SimCity 2 or SimCity 1993 wasn’t cool enough. Or maybe game companies have never known what year it is. Relatable. 

Doom

No, not that one. Before game companies started to name their sequels the same thing they named their first game, we had the 1993 version of Doom. A game so influential, there was a time when first person shooters were called “Doom Clones”. Thank this game for your Halos and your Call of Dutys and your sequels that are also named Doom – respect your elders, kids.

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

It’s not really a case of “no, not that one” if the other one is a remake of the one you’re talking about. Sure, you could just play the Nintendo Switch remake of The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, but what if you could play one with a smaller resolution, worse graphics, and everything is shades of green? It’s like when TV was in black and white – ask your grandparents.

1992

Super Mario Kart

Once upon a time, Mario Kart was a lot different. The original only had eight characters, and no blue shells, and it wasn’t even real 3D. We didn’t have fancy polygons back in the day, we had Mode 7 which was a fancy way of making environments look 3D even though they were really 2D backgrounds. Your friend could still hit you with a red shell or drop a banana in your path on Rainbow Road, ending that friendship forever. Okay, maybe Super Mario Kart wasn’t that different.

Mortal Kombat

The first Mortal Kombat hit arcades in 1992. By today’s standards, the blood and gore is hilariously tame, but back then it was so brutal and controversial, it was one of the reasons for the creation of the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) two years later. If you haven’t played it yourself and you’re curious, search for “original Mortal Kombat”, not “Mortal Kombat 1”. The latter just gives you the 12th game in the series. Video games have terrible naming conventions. 

Alone In the Dark

Before 2024’s Alone In the Dark and 2008’s Alone In the Dark, and the 2005 film Alone In the Dark, there was Alone In the Dark. It was the game that basically launched the survival horror genre, helping to set a standard and shape many of the games that came after. Elements like fixed camera perspectives, tank controls, and other things that were complained about and abandoned as staples of the genre. 

Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis

One of the old LucasArts point-and-click adventure games, Fate of Atlantis was a far cry from Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. No fancy graphics, no first person perspective, and no Troy Baker. This game’s “great circle” was the maze-like city of Atlantis and the gameplay revolved around exhausting dialog options and using everything in your inventory on everything in the environment until progress happened. They don’t make them like they used to.

Spider-Man and the X-Men in Arcade’s Revenge

Today you have Marvel Rivals, but back in 1992, we had a team-up game that put an omega-level weather goddess exclusively in underwater levels. This game only exists to trick your friends or favorite streamers into playing another terrible LJN game. 

Kirby’s Dream Land

Oh, you don’t think that’s Kirby? You think Kirby is pink? You think that’s just an inexplicably smiling Boo? Nope, that’s what greeted anyone who bought the first Kirby game on the Game Boy. If they played it, they’d see that he was green – like everything else in the game. It was only the sequels that turned him pink. If that happened today, you’d see a lot of YouTube videos from reactionaries complaining about “white erasure” or something. 

1991

Civilization

Hard to believe civilization only just started in 1991 and now it’s going to end in 2025. We’d say we had a good run, but…no. 

Street Fighter II (arcade)

Get in the comments and say this screenshot is from the wrong Street Fighter II – you won’t. You know why? Nobody can tell the three thousand different versions of Street Fighter II apart. All that’s left is for Capcom to do a soft reboot of the series, naming it simply Street Fighter and then make a sequel.

Oh, and the game is really good and influential and still holds up today or something. You’ve already gone back to playing Street Fighter VI so who cares? 

Battletoads

There are two types of Battletoads players: those who beat the game back in 1991, and goddamn liars. You think your Elden Ring or your Ghosts of Tsushima are difficult? Turbo Tunnel and Clinger Winger send their regards. The pause music slapped though. 

Duke Nukem

Duke didn’t always have sunglasses, the voice acting of Jon St. John, and one-liners stolen from movies. The original was a sidescroller that barely resembles where the series ended up. It got some good sequels over the years before taking fourteen years to develop the game that was the final nail in the coffin in 2011. These days if a sequel to a game is terrible, you just have to wait till next year’s sequel.

Final Fantasy II – err, Final Fantasy IV

The one with Cecil and Golbez. Yeah, Final Fantasy II and Final Fantasy III weren’t originally localized in North America, so to avoid confusion, Final Fantasy IV got renamed to Final Fantasy II. But then Final Fantasy V didn’t get localized and Final Fantasy VI was localized as Final Fantasy III before Final Fantasy VII released and set the sequel numbers right.

This wasn’t complicated, it was very simple to understand. Totally different from the modern day sequel naming problems. 

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Arguably one of the more influential games in the series, A Link to the Past introduced a lot of elements that would be present in many of the following games. Oh sure, now it’s only played by streamers playing randomizers, but back in the day, this game was king. Ugh, zoomers and their randomizers. Enjoy getting 20 rupees over and over before ever finding a sword, nerd. 

1990

Mega Man 3

The Mega Man game that introduced sliding and completely lost the plot when it came to boss weaknesses. There was no internet to look this stuff up either. If you didn’t have a subscription to Nintendo Power, you probably had no clue what a top or a gemini were weak to. Not much else to say about it other than Mega Man’s face on the stage select screen is a whole mood.

King’s Quest V

Gamers today don’t get to talk about annoying characters or cheap deaths in games. Not unless they’ve dealt with Cedric the owl or clicking exactly the right pixel to walk along a path and not throw themselves off a mountain.

Dr. Mario

No, Dr. Mario isn’t just a joke character in Smash Bros., there was a puzzle game in 1990 where he threw pills in a bottle full of viruses. Where did he get a medical degree? Why did he go back to plumbing? You know, we didn’t ask these questions. We didn’t need “lore” or “timelines” or “continuity.” You want to figure it out? Play it on your Nintendo Switch online library and make a Game Theory video about it.

Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers

Before games had inventories and upgrade systems and all of that nonsense, we had boss fights with giant enemies and a little red ball we were supposed to throw at them. The good old days when licensed games had almost nothing to do with their source material. At least it was simple – the type of game you could play these days while multitasking. 

Super Mario World

There was really no following Super Mario Bros. 3, but Super Mario World tried. If you ever wonder where Yoshi came from, it’s this game. If you ever wonder why Nintendo started and then immediately stopped putting multiple exits in Mario levels, it’s this game. 

The Secret of Monkey Island

Okay, you want to talk about stupid puzzles in point-and-click adventure games? Kids these days don’t know how good they have it being able to look up answers online. They can watch YouTube videos to figure out how to defeat bosses and solve puzzles for their $70 games. We should have listened to Guybrush’s words from the ending.

And that’s our 30 Over 30 list. If you’ve never played some of these, try to track down copies to see how gaming was in the early to mid-90s. And if you played these games when they were new, call your doctor and get your prostate checked.