James Kineen, Author at Hard Drive

Web Comic Investigated for Complete Lack of Jokes

Posted on July 25, 2024 by Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — Fans of laughter rejoice, as the FCC has launched an investigation into the webcomic “Level Down” for complete lack of jokes.

“This webcomic has never successfully landed a punchline,” said FCC chair Jessica Rosenworcel. “In the description of the comic the author claims the comic has ‘fun jokes, sarcasm, and pop culture references.’ So, to us, this is a classic case of false advertisement. Sure, Level Down has a ton of sarcasm and pop culture references, but any humor is completely missing. We brought in dozens of independent observers to read the comic’s archive and no one cracked a smile. We haven’t seen anything like this since our investigation into Penny Arcade.”

Level Down’s author Phillip Gore spoke harshly in response to the allegations against their work of creative excrement.

“Sorry the FCC doesn’t understand internet humor,” said the profoundly unfunny Gore in a room surrounded by Funko Pops. “I’ve got a crazy cast of characters who all have distinct personalities. You have the sarcastic game developer Grover, the sardonic web developer Tu-Tu, the frequently facetious app developer Ponyo, and of course the gorgeous Tyla, an endearingly snide Javascript expert. In this comic, Grover turns right to the audience and asks how this other character, who shares an opposing opinion to my own, could be so stupid. To the audience! Like in Deadpool!”

Defenders of Level Down cite that its cringeworthy non-humor is simply meeting the industry standard.

“People should not expect jokes from a humor webcomic,” explained President of Webcomics Artist United Dante Montez. “We find it’s much easier to just create a thinly-veiled self-insert character that is much more attractive than the artist in real life. Now that’s entertainment. People come to these comics for the terrible art and predictable, inhuman sounding dialogue. If we took that away, what would we have? Something worth reading? Maybe. But for some reason they keep filling up our Patreons regardless.”

At press time, the new Level Down comic was posted on /r/comics and any users criticizing it were swiftly banned.

Twisters Review: Why Did This Guy Sit Next to Me?

Posted on July 25, 2024 by Matt Fresh

“A tornado rating, it’s not based on size or wind speed – it’s based on damage”. These are words spoken by self-proclaimed tornado wrangler Tyler Owens late in the second act of Twisters, the stand-alone follow up to 1996’s Twister. Those words cut to the heart of the film’s themes of overcoming trauma and facing your fears, two things I had to do while watching the film as for some unknown reason some guy decided to sit right next to me in the theater.

Above all Twisters is a film made for the theatrical experience and it’s a wonderful reminder that movies are in fact better on the big screen, in a theater with others. As Glen Powell’s sugar daddy and everyone’s favorite Xenu worshiper Tom Cruise would say, “big movie, big screen, loved it.” But there’s no reason this man had to sit in the seat right next to me. The theater wasn’t empty but there were plenty of empty seats he could have taken that were further away from me. The movie theater functions on urinal rules, everyone knows this except for this one man apparently.

It can never really be overstated how great it is to witness the spectacle of a film like Twisters at the cinema. The awe inspiring destructive beauty of the tornadoes, the heart beneath it all, the moments of humor and the glorious F5 of charisma that is Glen Powell are the things the multiplex was made for. What they are not made for however is to be seated next to an inconsiderate slob who purposefully sits next to random strangers when he doesn’t have to, spills popcorn everywhere, takes his shoes off and vaguely resembles someone from high school.

As I sat there, completely mesmerized by the classic blockbuster filmmaking that director Lee Isaac Chung, all that went through my mind was this guy, sitting next to me and all the empty seats he could have taken and why he seems determined to usurp the middle armrest from me. If he wanted two armrests he should have taken one of the dozens of lone seats available, he chose to sit next to me, he doesn’t get the armrest too. I could have sat right next to people as well but I didn’t because I’m a civilized person with manners, as were the other six people in the theater who were there by themselves, which by the way doesn’t make us lonely.

Now it’s not like I’m some weirdo hermit who never makes contact with other people but the whole reason I go to movies on Tuesday matinees is because not only is it cheaper which allows me to continue buying Starbucks and avocado toast but because there’s less people. If it was a full theater okay fine I understand but it wasn’t. This man went online to book his tickets, saw all the empty seats and consciously chose to buy the seat right next to me. If there’s another political assassination attempt, this guy is your number one suspect because he’s clearly not right in the head.

Sure I could have moved and part of me wanted to go to another seat as fast as one of the magnificent twisters that are beautiful realized by the films special effects but this was a seat in the very middle row and I am more stubborn than the rogue piece of popcorn that got caught in this guy’s hair and refused to fall. I bought my seat first, he should have moved.

After almost 2 hours of watching hot charismatic people chase giant vortexes of destruction out of the corner of my eye as I gave this man the death stare for his baffling life choices I realized something. As he accidentally spilled his drink while marking out over the 10 second Paul Scheer cameo, I realized that he wasn’t a man, he was an angel of darkness sent by the gods to punish my misdeeds.

Twisters: ★★☆☆☆

Financially Conservative Gamer Votes to Cut Funding to Steam Library

Posted on July 24, 2024 by Nick Coffman

ST. LOUIS — Following a Steam Summer Sale that was devastating to his wallet, local gamer, Nathan Colins vowed to cut spending on his Steam library.

The newly self-proclaimed financial conservative committed to these funding cuts during his latest Twitch stream.

“I took all my credit cards off of Steam. The frivolous spending has gotten out of hand,” Colin admitted while browsing his Steam library of over 3000 titles. “Why in God’s name did I buy the entire Freddi Fish collection? I am never going to play that. Ok, actually I might play Case of the Stolen Conch Shell some day, but the rest of the collection is just wasteful spending.”

Colins continued to question his spending as he worked his way down his massive collection of Steam games. It all led to a moment of madness when the now responsible gamer started to consider all the practical things the money could have been spent on.

“Animal Well? Dredge? Hollow Knight? I could have spent all that money on early access for College Football 25,” Colins said, wincing in pain with every unplayed title he passed in his library. “I could have been investing this money toward the Fortnite Crew pack, or buying some sweet COD skin. Why did I buy all these snobby indie games? Never again, I tell you. Never again.”

Colin’s new lease on life was quickly challenged when he opened up the Steam store for the first time since committing to his new financial policies.

“Oh no. The ‘Games You’ll Play Once and Never Touch Again Fest’ just started,” Colins lamented as he browsed some of the deals. “Spyro Reignited Trilogy is only twenty bucks. Ripto’s Rage is worth that price alone. No, Nathan! Must not give in. Must not show weakness. Must commit to being financially responsible.”

At press time, Colins tearfully pulled out his wallet to enter his credit card information back into Steam.

Cybertruck Already Recalled in Fortnite

Posted on July 24, 2024 by Johnny Amizich

CARY, N.C. — After players reported multiple issues when attempting to use the vehicle, the Tesla Cybertruck has been recalled in Fortnite after barely a day of being in the game.

“I was in a firefight and ran out of ammo so I got into a Cybertruck that was nearby, but as soon as it hit a gentle incline it began to roll backwards, right into the path of the player I was trying to run from, and those windows definitely are not bullet proof,” TokinGamer420 said on X – The Everything App, “I thought maybe it was a glitch, but I got into another one in the next round and it exploded as soon as I tried accelerating.”

Elon Musk, avid gamer and noted absentee father, posted on X about the issue.

“Concerning,” Musk replied to one gamer’s post, “Looking into it!” He followed up on the same post before writing on his timeline, “Whoever Epic put in charge of adding the Cybertruck to Fortnite had to be yet another DEI hire, this is why the woke mind virus must be eradicated.”

Multiple Cybertruck fans were quick to rush to the defense of the much maligned vehicle, echoing Musk’s sentiments that DEI hiring policies and “wokeness” must be the culprits.

“LMAO anyone who believes this is just falling for woke propaganda. I’ve owned a Cybertruck since day one and the only time it hasn’t worked properly is whenever I try and drive it anywhere. Sorry libtards, no one is falling for your lies,” TeslaFanBoi posted on X – The Everything App.

“Fortnite allows you to play as a nongendered banana, is it surprising that they would try and make Elon look bad?,” DogeCoinMuskFan said in a reply to Musks’ own post.

At press time, three players were seen trying to push a Cybertruck out of a mud puddle while their fourth floored the accelerator in vain.

Meet the Most Qualified Politicians That Can Be Kamala Harris’s Running Mate

Posted on July 24, 2024 by Garry Kerls

The impending U.S. Presidential election is gearing up to be one for the history books. In the midst of Joe Biden dropping, current VP Kamala Harris is primed to take over as the Democratic nominee but the American people are unsure of who will be on the ballot with her come November. This uncertainty is undoubtedly cause for concern, but the best we can do as dutiful citizens is to educate ourselves with every potential candidate. These are the most qualified politicians that are ready to be her running mate.

Mayor Max III from Idyllwild, Calif.

Since the 1890s there have only been two US President’s to not have a White House dog. The coveted canine position is nearly as vital as the Vice Presidency, and Mayor Max III comes from a lineage of celebrated city mayors. Max’s endless energy and healthy golden coat is exactly what Harris needs after 4 years of Sleepy Joe.

Mayor Parker the Snow Dog from Georgetown, CO.

This paw-gressive has been a staunch climate change advocate since the beginning. Protecting Colorado’s gorgeous Rocky Mountain peaks and being an integral voice in the anti-firework movement. Some have criticized Mayor Parker’s commitment to the job, citing frequent ski trips, but compared to Trump’s golf outings, Parker’s excursions are a walk in the park.

Mayor Banjo from Gulfport, FL

Aside from being an inspiration to disabled dogs across the country, Banjo has worked tirelessly since being elected for the betterment of Gulfport, Florida. Drawing comparisons to FDR, Banjo has similarly implemented a ‘Chew Deal’ that is expected to jump-start Gulfport’s treat economy.

NYC Honorary Dog Mayor Sally Long Dog

While man’s best friend seems like a great candidate on paper, not all get unanimous bipartisan support. Mayor Sally Long Dog ran a successful campaign under the controversial stance that NYC streets must continue to smell like pee for the sake of the city’s pups. Many New Yorkers spoke up in opposition of this agenda but eventually conceded after seeing those puppy dog eyes.

Mayor Brooks from St. Andrews, FL

In trying to be as transparent as possible, there is something that needs to be said regarding Mayor Brooke. Last week, during a campaign rally, Brooke bit an audience member who asked her to shake a paw. Both parties are unharmed and the Mayor is extremely regretful of her actions. But isn’t that the American Dream? Being knocked down by the consequences of your actions just to get right back up and keep going? Mayor Brooke is an inspiration to politicians everywhere, and would make an excellent Vice President.

Mayor Fern from Divide, CO

After a stellar two terms by former mayor, Clyde the Donkey, Fern the Australian Shepard Mix had big shoes to fill. Since her election earlier this year, belly rubs have been up 30% and crime has trended down. Fern was the first mayor in Divide history to hold a town hall with the zoomies, and she was also one of the few animal politicians to condemn Kristi Noem.

Wokeness DESTROYED: No Women Will Attend Your Funeral

Posted on July 23, 2024 by R. Anthony Mahan

YOUR HOMETOWN — Sources have confirmed that, despite the Left’s attempts to force “representation” and “equality” into everything, there will be no female characters shoehorned into your upcoming funeral.

“Oh, he died?” a female acquaintance of yours will reportedly say shortly after your untimely demise. “That’s so … I mean, of course it’s sad, I guess. He was always kind of … well, I didn’t want him to die. But I don’t, I mean, I can’t … work has just been crazy busy lately, you know?”

Upon the announcement of your future, long-time fans of the series will be afraid that it will be another lame DEI-fest made to pander to childless feminists who don’t even like funerals. But the fandom will rejoice when the full cast list is revealed, confirming that not a single woman will be affected by the fact that you have ceased to exist.

“I’m glad we can give the fans what they want. And I guess it’s what he would’ve wanted to,” funeral director Sherman White, one of the few men who will attend, will explain. “No female friends, no relatives. No lovers, but that part was easy. I’m even giving my female employees the day off, just to make sure there are no women in the building when it happens. I know how everyone in this hobby is sick of forced diversity. I want to be sure my business is taken seriously.”

While the internet is going to go wild about how great your anti-woke funeral will be, the funeral parlor will almost bow down to corporate pressure before going through with the proceedings.

“I’ll be honest, I really thought we couldn’t pull it off at first,” White will admit. “Almost woman-free, sure, but what about his mother? She’d pretty much have to be there, and she’s kind of a woman, right? Fortunately, it all worked out in the end when she told me she wouldn’t attend. I guess she needed to mourn in her own personal way. Or just didn’t want to be there. Didn’t seem right to ask. She’s a grieving mother, for God’s sake.”

At press time, your funeral is currently scheduled for a November release.

Year Display

function displayYear() {
const currentYear = new Date().getFullYear();
const futureYear = currentYear + 3;
document.getElementById(‘year’).textContent = futureYear;
}
window.onload = displayYear;

How to Get a 20% Raise: Boss Fight Tips

Posted on July 23, 2024 by Brendan Osorio

So, you’re looking to make more money? Do you think you deserve it? Are you sure? You better be, or you’ve already failed. Let’s walk through a few tactics you can employ to get yourself that healthy 20% raise you’re looking for. We’ll discuss confidence, negotiating, and timing out your boss’s movements so you can parry his attacks and do massive damage when he leaves an opening.

Preparation

It’s important to go into this as ready as you can be. Make sure you know exactly what you want to say and how to handle your boss in case they mix it up with some unexpected abilities or weapons. You have to know you deserve this raise and how much you’re worth ahead of time and you have to anticipate what they might say to throw you off. Bring with you some quick wits, health potions, and if you have time to explore Old Gregor Strombringer’s tomb, bring with you the Cursed Sword of the Baphomet.

Start Strong and Don’t Relent

It’s important to get off to a good start with this type of negotiation. They say never be the first one to speak, and that’s usually true. It’s possible to get in some quick jabs while they’re monologuing or going on about cutbacks in the company’s budget. Nothing gets an encounter off on the right foot like dealing some early damage on your foe.

If you do choose to speak first, just make sure you lay out how crucial you are to the company and how it’s important to you that the company shows they appreciate you with appropriate compensation. And if they refuse, counter by you’ll splitting your boss in two and taking their legendary armor hidden in a chest in their office.

Anticipate Tense Negotiation

Your boss may tell you things like, “We’re all a family here,” or, “My employees are more like friends than anything else,” but these are distractions and lies. Stay focused: your boss is your enemy here and possibly again two or three more times later in your career, bigger and scarier, and possibly with wings or big scary horns and fangs.

They may counter with a number smaller than you had in mind or worse, they may not want to give you a raise at all. Worst case scenario, they’ll move into their second phase and possibly introduce an aerial threat or minions of some sort into the fight.

You have to stay on your toes and be prepared to counter back with evidence why you’re right and they’re wrong. Try and stagger them with your words so you can move in and get some big combos on them. If you’re lucky, you can just cheese them and beat that raise out of them without breaking a sweat.

The Big Finish

You’re almost there just keep the pressure on ‘em! Don’t relent. If they tell you they need some time to think about it, they’re lying. They’re just trying to buy them some time to pound a couple health potions or put up some sort of dome shield around themselves to block your attacks. Keep hitting them and try to maximize your damage output. You don’t leave that office until you’re making a king’s ransom or your boss lies dead beneath your feet.

You’ve timed their animations. You’ve studied all their moves. You’ve almost bled them completely dry. For every time they cut you with a, “No,” or an, “I need to talk it over with the board,” you hit them with a slice of your very big cursed sword. Really go to town on ‘em, they’ll give you what you want or die.

Success!

Congratulations! If you’ve followed this guide correctly, you’ve either gotten that sweet 20% raise you set out for when you started reading this, or you’ve seized the means of destruction and defeated your boss in combat. Either way it’s a victory for you. Just remember to get that sick loot and watch out for any of your bosses remaining lackeys who may be bold enough to demand a raise themselves.

Stay tuned for our next guide, where we’ll discuss how to stop harassment in the workplace with violent retribution!

Rocksteady Announces Next Season Of Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League Will Be A Coyote vs. Acme Tie-In

Posted on July 22, 2024 by Peter Cunis

LONDON — During a livestream from their headquarters in London, the five remaining members of the development team for Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League announced that the next season of the live service game would be themed around fan-favorite Warner Bros. film Coyote vs. Acme.

“After the successful mid-July launch of our winter-themed season, we’re thrilled to bring Wile E. Coyote and…Acme? I guess?…to the ongoing adventures of the Squad,” said Bill Parker, the only remaining writer for the game. “I have to say, this tie-in means a lot to me personally. Coyote vs. Acme is a movie that really changed my outlook on writing and made me realize that I, too, could vanish into thin air if it gave somebody a tax break.”

The fact that Coyote vs. Acme was never released and has only ever been shown to a handful of people did not seem to deter the Rocksteady crew.

“Fans are going to be thrilled when they see what’s in this season’s battle pass. Harley Quinn will get a t-shirt that says ‘Acme’, King Shark will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote’, and…um…Captain Boomerang will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote AND Acme’,” said remaining 3D artist Joe Philadelphia. “And of course, you’ll get to meet the newest member of the Squad, Will Forte. He does all of the things the other squad members do — shoot a gun, jump around — but he says lots of quips while doing it. Well, I mean, the other characters do that too, but his quips will be more like…um…”

“Oh, and you’ll get to fight the Flash again. He’ll be orange this time. Like a desert. Because Wile E. Coyote lives in a desert,” added Philadelphia right before the stream abruptly ended.

Fans took to Reddit to voice their frustration with the announcement.

“How dare Rocksteady add Will Forte as a character before they’ve even added Poison Ivy or Deathstroke,” posted user SuSquaBoi10319, “We want you to ruin more DC villains before you bring in guest characters. And why were all of the developers so nervous and sweaty for the whole livestream? And why was one of them holding up a little sign that said ‘Please help us’?”

Shortly after the livestream, David Zaslav ominously tweeted a single laughing emoji.

Hulk Hogan Is A Terrible Person, But I Will Never Forget How He Saved My Screening Of Gremlins 2

Posted on July 22, 2024 by Dan Bookbinder

Nowadays, Hulk Hogan is considered a mediocre, overhyped, delusional, racist hasbeen, but due to his selfless behavior in my showing of “Gremlins 2: The New Batch,” he will always be a hero to me.

When Hulk appears in the news these days, it is to spout a constant stream of easily debunked lies. Whether it’s saying that Elvis was his biggest fan despite being dead before Hulk debuted, allegedly turning down offers to join both Metallica and the Rolling Stones, or saying that he worked 400 days a year because he did so much international travel.

In 1990, my parents decided to move to suburban Livingston right at the end of second grade and I didn’t have time to make friends. Summer came and the Jewish Community Center’s Day Camp was abuzz about “Gremlins 2: The New Batch.” I had taped the original off Channel 11, and after seeing how depressed I was, my father relented and agreed to take me to the movie on my birthday since I didn’t have any friends to celebrate with.

We were enjoying the movie from the balcony of the Millburn Cinemas, when sound became warped and the film started flickering! The film burned and it was just a white screen. We had no idea what to do. Gremlins appeared on the screen and started doing shadow puppets. Even then I knew Gremlins weren’t real, (and for the record, I know wrestling’s fake too), but we figured it was either disgruntled workers or somehow prankster teens in the projection booth. My dad sent me to get an usher. I looked around, and no one was in the lobby. I went back up the stairs, I heard Hulk Hogan’s unmistakable voice, and by the time I got back to my row, the crowd was cheering and the movie was back! I asked Dad what happened and he said some bald blond guy got them to start the movie up again. Wow! Impressive move from a man who uses racial slurs as foreplay! That’s when I knew Hulk Hogan was a true hero! For the rest of the movie, I peeked over the railing to see if I could spot the man who took time away from ratting out unionizing wrestlers to come to Central Jersey to save our movie experience!

I figured he would be swarmed outside the theater, but since we stayed to watch Daffy Duck’s hilarious commentary over the credits, we must have missed him leaving.

Eventually I made friends and one day we ended up watching “Gremlins 2,” and there was a break in the VHS version too! But it was completely different, with TV static, news clips, a bible epic, and John Wayne fighting cowboy gremlins. I tried to explain the scenario I witnessed, but they didn’t believe me.

Over the years, whenever I see Hulk Hogan, whether on a reality show creeping on his own daughter or being Peter Thiel’s pawn to dismantle freedom of the press, he always holds a special place in my heart. I just wish he was there in 2007 when I saw Grindhouse to find out why my theater had a scene missing.

Phantom Thieves Successfully Clear Biden’s Palace

Posted on July 21, 2024 by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — The Phantom Thieves of Hearts, a group of teenage vigilantes operating in the Metaverse, have successfully defeated President Biden’s Shadow Self and convinced him to drop out of the upcoming election, sources confirm.

“This was a surprisingly difficult Palace,” said Joker, the group’s leader. “I thought we were going to be in and out. There didn’t seem to be much going on inside, but it took forever to clear it. We were right up against the deadline. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t understand the calling card, but I guess Jill helped him with that. I just hope his replacement is romance-able.”

President Biden was both relieved by the defeat of his Shadow Self and horrified by his previous actions.

“Holy cow, Jack. Why was I still in this race?” said President Biden. “I mean, I know it was my own corrupt thoughts manifesting themselves within the Metaverse and clouding my decisions, but c’mon, man. I didn’t realize how much malarkey was building up in my head. I almost let that alley cat win the election—and I’m not talking about Morgana. I’m glad the Phantom Thieves helped me out and made it clear that it was time for me to pass the baton.”

At press time, Joker was reportedly on a departing train when he thought he caught a glimpse of Hunter Biden standing on the platform.