Elon Rejects Safer Car Battery, Claims It Would Make Newer Tesla Models Too Soy

Posted on by Tyler Pehringer

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO Elon Musk has rejected a redesign for a more efficient battery, arguing that it would make the cars, “too soy,” sources confirm.

“Teslas are not for everyone. A Tesla should make their driver feel like Evel Knievel. You should go from enjoying a Sunday drive to Ghost Rider in a matter of seconds,” Musk stated at a recent X (formerly known as Twitter) town hall. “These cars were never made for wimps who just want to get to their destination. It’s the most woke thing I could think of honestly. These leftist cuck engineers need to go home and leave the manufacturing of these cars for those with some balls.”

Musk’s fans have come out to defend Elon’s recent statements.

“I didn’t buy a Tesla because I wanted a normal car. I bought a Tesla so I can practice my bomb defusal skills,” said Freddy Page, member and founder of the Greater Providence Tesla Owners Facebook group. “Do you think the Cybertruck was designed like that to look cool? Shows what you know. It was made so that the driver could feel like a loaf of bread being baked once the battery decides to go off.”

These sentiments have not been shared by every Tesla owner. 

“I think it’s reasonable to want a car to…you know…not explode because the battery gets too hot,” said one recent Tesla purchaser who wished to remain anonymous. “Like, I don’t actively want to kill pedestrians, you know? I want an auto-pilot that will actually, like, pilot. Auto-style.”

At press time, Musk released a poll on X (formerly Twitter) asking what customers would prefer in a car. Six percent of respondents indicated that they wanted a big-dicked Tesla with a battery that will allow you to experience what it’s like to be on Venus, while 94% preferred a leftist soyboy sedan that could get you from Point A to Point B.

A24 Hires Classically Trained Actor in Role of Naked Old Guy Watching You From Treeline

Posted on by Nik Theorin

NEW YORK — Following weeks of speculation, A24 announced the star-studded cast of its upcoming horror film would be joined by an esteemed, classically-trained senior actor in the role of Naked Old Guy Watching You From Treeline, sources report.

“I’m beyond excited to tackle the role,” said Cecil Newton, a 68 year-old actor with a degree from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London, whose storied career spans three decades of not exploiting his naked body for jump scare value. “Some parts are just made for certain actors, or maybe it’s more accurate to say some actors are just made for certain parts. That’s how this feels to me. Can you imagine Forrest Gump without Tom Hanks? Lincoln without Daniel Day-Lewis? Half-Nude Girl Pissing Herself in Kitchen without Alexyss Spradlin? So yes, you could say Naked Old Guy was a bit of a dream role. You know, no one wanted me to do nude scenes when I was young, that kind of thing just wasn’t done in my Hollywood. But now that my body has succumbed to the natural wasting of time, senior actors like myself are a hot commodity in the horror genre. A lot of my peers have been stuck playing wise old inmates and grandparent characters who suffer a health scare halfway through the movie to remind the protagonist not to lose sight of what’s really important, but now they’re booking all kinds of horror roles! My friend Art just landed the part of Old Man in Hospital Gown Who Smiles to Reveal Rotten Teeth in a new NEON film, and my wife Paula wrapped filming yesterday for her third consecutive role of Naked Grandma Barely Visible in Door Frame (Uncredited). The breadth of work available is really astonishing.”

“If I’d known it was this easy, I would’ve gotten naked and stood silently in the background of the scene years ago,” continued Newton, who originated the role of Hamlet in a 1989 production by The National Theatre. “I’m no prude. If audiences want to scare themselves silly at the sight of a regular 68 year-old body, let them. I’m laughing all the way to the bank— which is where I work to supplement my meager income.”

Newton isn’t the first to recognize the rise of senior nudity in horror cinema, with several critics reportedly tracing the phenomenon back to “Hereditary,” “It Follows,” and earlier films like “The Shining.”

“Horror has been a haven for the subversive and grotesque since the genre’s inception, which makes this recent focus on naked old guys all the more curious,” said Hailey Duncan, a psychologist who pays for Letterboxd. “There’s nothing inherently scary about a flaccid penis or butt cheeks so saggy they moonlight as coattails. The feeling you get looking at that isn’t terror or some primal fear response like mice have with cats. It’s something else. In psychology, we actually have a technical term for it: yucky. It feels yucky, just like super icky. It provokes an immediate chemical response in your brain my peers have taken to calling ‘Eww Christ is that a dong? I don’t wanna see that.’ In the context of such a visceral reaction, it’s easy to see how naked old men and grandma skittering across the ceiling with her cheeks flapping like the twin buns of Tatooine are dominating the silver screen right now.”

Though notoriously tight-lipped when it came to details about the film’s plot, A24 did tease several familiar faces would appear in unexpected roles that were sure to delight theatergoers.

“We are thrilled to be working closely with our creative partners to bring this incredibly special project to life,” said an A24 representative. “There are no small parts in cinema, which is why we’re happy to announce we’ve assembled a dream team of on-screen talent to play roles we know horror audiences will love— including Ellen Burstyn as Vacant-Eyed Nursing Home Resident, Riley Keough as Nude Body Facedown in Lake, and Messi as Dog Eating a Corpse. We can’t wait to begin filming, and to share this wildly entertaining chiller with audiences around the world next year, assuming we remember to market it.”

At press time, A24 hinted that following the success of NEON’s “Longlegs,” it would be making use of innovative, bold new tactics to promote its upcoming film, an approach the company described as “two moody trailers explaining nothing and then hope for the best.”

Sony Announces a New Spider-Man Villain Solo Movie Every Year Until Their Demands Are Met

Posted on by Charles Bill

CULVER CITY, Calif. — Sony Pictures has announced plans to release a new Spider-Man villain solo movie every year until their demands are met.

“Unless you want to see a C-tier Black Cat solo film, you better start listening up,” said Sony Pictures president and cinematic terrorist Tony Vinciquerra. “First of all, we want a billion dollars. Second, we want to be able to use Spider-Man again. Third, we want the U.S. nuclear codes. You give us that, and maybe we can think of taking the Bad Bunny El Muerto movie off of our release slate. If not, we are going to keep churning out superhero movies for no one that look like they were made in 2005. You’ve been warned.”

The producers of the Sony Spider-Man Universe, which has never actually included Spider-Man, believe they can make these films perpetually.

“Tony isn’t bluffing; we have plans for the next dozen of these stinkers,” said Sony executive Donna Hinkle. “What’s crazy is this is our best effort. We are trying our hardest to make good movies that people like, but we keep coming up with a Morbius or a Madame Web. I guess the only thing to do with our level of incompetence is weaponize it and make ultimatums. Trust me, you don’t want to see our Sinister Six movie. It is absolute trash. Renny Harlin turned us down to direct. Renny fucking Harlin. That was a low moment for us.”

Although the prospect of a new Spider-Man villain film every year strikes a note of terror for most, fans of the SSU are overjoyed.

“I’m so pumped! Me and the other four fans are going to see it on opening night,” said SSU fan and idiot Ian Foles. “I’m hoping for a big team-up movie between Morbius, Madame Web, and Kraven the Hunter. How cool would that be? All of our favorite anti-heroes in one spot, ready to do some anti-heroics. As long as we keep away from crossing over with those dipshits in the MCU, things will be great.”

At press time the UN Security Council agreed to give Sony whatever they want as long as they didn’t make a Hobgoblin solo film.

Header image art by Hal Haney. Used with permission.

Game Night: I Am Not British Enough to Be Playing ‘Thank Goodness You’re Here’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I should’ve made Amity write this one for me.

Thank Goodness You’re Here is the video game equivalent of one of those BBC America shows that is simply too British to be allowed off the island. It’s the second game I’ve played this year, after Still Wakes the Deep, where I needed the subtitles to understand what was ostensibly spoken English. The fact I, an American, was able to play this game on American soil means that something somewhere has broken a containment protocol.

TGYH is a short adventure game and the sophomore project from Yorkshire-based developer Coal Supper. Its publisher, Panic, was also responsible for bringing Untitled Goose Game to market, which suggests that somebody at Panic is exclusively focused on supporting indie projects about wrecking small towns. To which I say: live your dreams, Panic.

In TGYH, you’re an inexplicably tiny yellow salesman who’s been sent to the self-consciously quaint English village of Barnsworth to take a meeting with its mayor. Instead of waiting on him, you have the option to go out into the town and get wrapped up in the locals’ problems.

This involves you walking through Barnsworth like a dollar-store Godzilla. The first real puzzle of the game involves breaking a water cooler so you can use it to reach a window. From there, you leave a trail of gratuitous destruction in your wake, solving all of Barnsworth’s issues by causing immense property damage. This is the perfect game if all you’ve ever wanted out of life is to kick people in the shins without consequence.

The process of playing TGYH chiefly involves wandering around Barnsworth looking for things to do. Many of the villagers have a problem to solve or an errand that needs to be run, and they’ll rope you into it on the spot. This ranges from helping somebody get their arm unstuck from a sewer grate to doing the shopping for a bedsick shut-in. This spirals off into insanity at the first opportunity.

The overall experience reminds me of turning on Cartoon Network at about 1 in the morning, when Adult Swim was at its most unhinged. I always knew exactly what I was looking at in TGYH, but was less sure as to why.

If I had to cite one issue I’ve got with it, which is more my problem than an actual point of critique, it’s that TGYH is gross as hell. Barnsworth is covered in garbage, many of the villagers are drawn like they’ve got a massive untreated tumor, and you’re constantly dealing with raw meat, dead fish, clogged pipes, and used oil. There’s a bowl of pea soup near the climax that starts as one of the most unappetizing things in video game history, and then it gets worse. If SCHiM is an under-the-table advertisement for Dutch tourism, TGYH is an implicit warning to never go anywhere in England besides London.

Beyond that, it’s a short, imaginative, colorful game that may rely a little too much on local humor and the occasional gross-out, but is clever and weird enough to keep your attention. TGYH gives you almost nothing in the way of signposts, so while I wouldn’t call it difficult, it does require some thought in order to figure out where to go next.

I am having a hard time recommending this because, as noted, Thank Goodness You’re Here! grosses me out. There’s a gag in the first 20 minutes about eating half-melted butter off the street that nearly made me shut the whole thing down. There are things I can handle, and things I can’t, and TGYH traffics heavily in the latter.

Without moments like that, this would be a simple, fun adventure/comedy. Sure, not all the jokes land, but it’s so dense with humor that it’ll land a hit sooner or later. I did like the running gag about how your salesman is always just as small or large as he has to be for the situation he’s in, ranging from a child’s height to small enough to travel via keg hose.

In a hobby where many games feel like they’re casting too wide a net, TGYH is laser-focused on a very specific audience: 40-something British people with strong stomachs. I have to admire that, even if much of the game makes me vaguely nauseous.

“Can’t End on an L”: National Suicide Hotline Sees Great Success with New Script Written for Gamers

Posted on by Patrick OConnell

ST. LOUIS —  The National Suicide Hotline is reporting all-time success thanks to the use of a new script written specifically for gamers.

988 Crisis Support Operator, Denise George, unveiled the promising new support script to her team with the intention of creating new protocols for assisting the demographic most vulnerable to the mental health crisis: Gamers.

“Nearly a third of our late night calls are from gamers,” George said in a press conference. “We were doing our best to talk them through whatever they were dealing with, reminding them that they have much to live for and people who care, but no matter how much we followed our training we didn’t know how to help someone who was ‘getting tilted’. So I tried a new approach. I spent an entire weekend doing research, standing outside my  son’s room while he played ‘Call of Duty: Warzone’ with his friends over discord. I listened to their conversations, their language, but more importantly I took note of how they comforted one another when experiencing distress. 

Experts agree, the key to helping gamers is through understanding.

“Despite the common belief that gamers are insecure, misanthropic manbabies, their language shows a surprising capacity for emotional intelligence,” said gamer psychologist, Chuck Ward.  “What a gamer refers to as ‘grinding’, the feeling of facing endless repetitive tasks for minute gains, is what we psychologists would call ‘depression’. So, I ask my clients if they feel like they’ve been grinding, or if anyone in their life is being a griefer, which is, well, my way of explaining abusive relationships to them.”

Since implementing George’s new call script, suicide rates among gamers have dropped nationwide.

“Often times they call because they want to ragequit IRL, they think I won’t understand what they’re going through because I’m a filthy casual, but with this new script I’m able to speak to them on their terms and remind them that we can’t end on an L. We can never end on an L.”

At press time, George’s breakthrough method has helped countless people and finally given hope for gamers and the family members wondering when they’ll come out of their room.

Lara Croft Accused of Setting Unrealistic Body Expectations for Archaeologists

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Popular video game character Lara Croft of Tomb Raider has come under fire, accused of setting unrealistic body expectations for active archeologists. 

“It has to stop. We are speaking up as a precedent to end body-shaming and promote body-positivity among archeologists,” director Cecil Dwyers of the Society for American Archaeology said in a statement. “It’s hard to believe, but this single video game character has led to so much suffering among our members. The cases of body dysmorphia have gone through the roof, not to mention the reported increase in therapy. Frankly, I blame the improved graphics. This was never a problem in Lara Croft’s ‘triangle boobs’ era.”

The pressure is felt by many across the field, including archeologist Louisa Altmeyer. 

“It’s hard enough spending all day in active dig-sites with a trowel in my hand, now we have to keep up with Lara Croft?” Altmeyer complained from her trailer in the high desert. “These excavation sites aren’t exactly glamorous, nothing like the destinations she explores. “Not only is there constant travel, but the early hours are a slog. How am I supposed to have a killer bod and toned abs if I spend most of my time writing grant proposals to secure additional funding? Not all of us can be out there sword-fighting skeletons or rappelling into tombs like Lara Croft.” 

Crystal Dynamics COO William Rochet addressed the controversy head on. 

“We hear you, and we need to do better. These archaeologist broads have really worn me down. So I guess we’re acknowledging the criticism, which is why Lara will be adjusted to reflect the so-called struggles of modern archeologists. Our current game will be updated to equip Croft with standard fieldwork attire, including long-sleeved flannel and baggy cargo pants under a high-visibility vest – all to completely obscure her body shape. The new Tomb Raider gameplay will focus on surveying landscapes or thoroughly documenting artifacts, featuring a more relatable Lara Croft furnished with a Patagonia sun hat and Gore-Tex boots.”

At press time, Crystal Dynamics are reportedly looking to phase out Lara Croft from the franchise and replace her with Eileen Schermerhorn, a middle-aged archeologist with sleep apnea and a bad knee.

Ouija Board Bought on Craigslist Gives ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL’ Error on First Try

Posted on by Matt Youngspruce

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A local man has learnt the dangers of buying used products online as a Ouija board he bought off of Craigslist was delivered to him broken.

38-year-old construction worker, Steve Canvas, bought the Ouija board that he immediately noticed was in faulty condition.

“Look, I just wanted to talk to my dead dog, Rusty, and I read online that the best way to contact the dead is by using a Ouija board. I found one for 2 dollars on Craigslist. The price should have been a red flag, along with the seller’s username, ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch.’ But what can you do? I was missing Rusty so much,” said Canvas to the local news.

After receiving the item in the mail, Canvas sadly found that the Ouija board did not work.

“I got the damn thing wrapped in tinfoil. I was like, ‘This is not good…’ but I gave it a try. You know, I trust people; I’m not going to judge ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch’ just because the dude had a funny name. My dog’s name was ‘Rusty,’ for goodness’ sake. Anyway, I got my hands on the damn thing, and the first thing it did was give me this message: ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL.’ I tried and tried, but it always showed the same message. That’s not Rusty. Rusty would never say anything but ‘Give me sausages.’”

When asked for a comment ”Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch” replied,

”Hell yeah bröther!!!”

Steve says he contacted Ouija customer support but says they were less than helpful.

“They told me to boot it from a Ouija Boot Board but I don’t have one. Then they said they would send me a Ouija board with a boot file that he can use to clean install a new Ouija 11 operating system. But the install keeps getting stuck.”

At press time, Steve was reportedly seen starting a seance in his home to try fixing the issue but neighbors could see a bright blue light emanating from his home indicating he once again failed.

RFK Jr Revealed to be Elaborate Kojima Marketing Bit

Posted on by Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — In a shocking, albeit not that surprising in hindsight, turn of events, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been revealed to be another one of Hideo Kojima’s elaborate forms of marketing.

The reveal happened at the end of one of RFK Jr’s signature strange livestreams as he was eating honey from an active beehive while telling the story of how he once killed a Chupacabra. 

“Was I frightened when I was confronting the Chupacabra? Of course I was but that fear fueled me and made me stronger than any man has ever been,” claimed Kennedy in his signature hoarse voice. “I became so strong that I tapped into a part of my DNA that made me transcend my own humanity and with the help of the nanomachines that were injected in me long ago I was able to telepathically control all the insects in the forest to help me defeat the mighty beast before I consumed its heart and absorbed its power for myself.”

It was at this moment when the livestream began to have apparent technical issues as it started cutting in and out before fading to the Kojima Productions logo. Hideo Kojima himself then came onscreen to reveal the ruse.

“What happens when the strange becomes normal? What happens when those in power are more monster than man? What happens when fear and confusion become the driving force of humanity? These are the questions that I will be exploring in my next project, an action thriller starring Charlee Fraser as a young woman forced to fight against a corrupt politician who abuses the laws of nature to threaten what it means to be human and all we take for granted. Thank you.”

The announcement sent the gaming world into a frenzy, with many claiming it all makes perfect sense in hindsight.

“OMG OMG OMG NEW KOJIMA GAME!!!!! RFK Jr. was never real, just a way to announce the game. I can’t believe we never figured it out, this man is talking in that voice, discussing killing bears and taking videos covered in bugs. No human acts like that, only Kojima characters,” wrote Twitter user FatSkinnyMan.

At press time, many gamers are claiming that this new Kojima game is actually a rework of the previously announced PS5 game Abandoned.

Indie Comics Interview: Garth Ennis on His New Sword & Sorcery Book ‘Babs’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I can’t do much better for an introduction to Babs than the first page of the comic:

“And so came Babs… raven-haired, suspicious-minded, wielder of an okay sword… fair of face yet shit of luck, a wanderer, a mercenary, a goblin-stomper and a dragon-dodger.”

Out this week from Ahoy Comics, Babs is a new sword & sorcery comic created by Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows. The team has previously collaborated on Avatar Comics’ Crossed and The Chronicles of Wormwood, Marvel’s Punisher: Soviet, and last year’s indie horror/police drama The Ribbon Queen.

Ennis is best-known at the moment for his 2006-2012 superhero parody The Boys, which was adapted into the currently-running Amazon TV show. Before that, Ennis built a reputation with comics like Preacher, Hitman, and a long run on Hellblazer.

Most of Ennis’s best-known books are action, horror, and/or historical fiction, but he’s branched out in recent years to virtually every genre there is. Babs is Ennis’ first fantasy comic, as well as a comparatively gentle comedy.

I should note that the word “comparatively” is doing a lot of work in that sentence. This is an Ennis/Burrows collaboration, so we only have to wait a few pages for our first evisceration. On the plus side, the worst of the violence so far is reserved exclusively for leprechauns. It’s a victimless crime.

Issue #1 introduces us to Babs, a broke mercenary with a bad reputation, a magical sword with a bad attitude, and a horse that might be smarter than she is.

When Babs pummels a bar full of bitter goblin incels, they set out to seek revenge. Meanwhile, Babs has problems of her own, not least of which is her uncomfortable scale-mail halter top.

Ahoy’s PR team let me read Babs #1 ahead of time and send in a few questions for Ennis. The following interview has been slightly edited.

So as of now, Babs is an ex-princess swordswoman against a bunch of mediocre dipshits who’re [spoilers for issue #1 redacted]. What else do you have planned for the series?

Undead army, crappest knight in the realm, wizard with a peculiar method of spell casting, ship full of saucy elves sailing the seas of sex.

A careful reread will reveal that Babs never actually qualified as a princess, and that there’s nothing mediocre about the dipshits’ dipshittery. They do in fact take Olympic gold.

Babs is a piss-take on Red Sonja and the greater “wandering mercenary” archetype. Out of all the various sub-genres of fantasy, why’d you start with this?

It began with the title, really. Babs the Barbarian. Seemed like a winner.

For that matter, why Sonja and not Conan, who’s been much more in the forefront in the last few years? Was it just for the sillier outfit?

I find Conan pretty boring and humorless, a giant “pituitary retard” (thank you, Bill Hicks) wandering around scowling and being grim. Somehow I could see a woman having just enough self-awareness not to take all the genre nonsense too seriously, but not a man—or not an oaf of the Conan variety, anyway.

It’s worth noting that I find Red Sonja pretty lifeless too. The comparisons with Babs go no more than skin deep.

I was looking around online, and saw that you’re generally not a fantasy fan except for Hawk the Slayer, which in turn is what led you to Babs. Out of pure curiosity, what is it about Hawk that passes muster, compared to the rest of the field?

I probably saw it at just the right age. But I think in a genre that generally takes itself far too seriously, Hawk succeeds with a certain naive charm. I should say that there are other sword & sorcery stories I like, such as Sláine in 2000AD, Stormbringer, and The Hobbit.

I like Lord of the Rings as well, at least until about halfway through when Tolkien convinces himself he’s writing Great Art and all the thou and thy stuff comes in, the hobbits become halflings, etc.

What led to the notion of the “incel goblins” as antagonists? Just a natural follow-through from the concept of internet trolls?

They seem the type. Orcs and goblins and crawling things in caves. Gollum would be the most obvious example.

I’ve noted that in the last decade or so, you’ve been branching out to make comics for virtually every genre besides superheroes, such as romantic comedy (A Train Called Love), space/cosmic horror (Caliban), children’s books (Erf), straight-up crime (Red Team), and now fantasy. Is there a genre you haven’t hit yet that you’ve got plans for?

Not sure there are any others, are there? I’ve also done westerns, horror and a ton of war stories. Going to be plenty more of the latter.

In your recent work, you’ve made a real effort to write more stories with female protagonists: A Walk Through Hell, The Ribbon Queen, arguably A Train Called Love (Valerie seems more central to that book than anybody else), and Marjorie Finnegan. I’m curious what, if anything in particular, spurred this.

I just like writing women. Sometimes I think Sigourney Weaver casts a long shadow; you didn’t often see women survive movies like that in those days, and I saw it at an impressionable age.

The comics I was reading had some good female characters too, like Judges Anderson and Hershey, Purity Brown and Durham Red, and in particular Nina Petrova. They were the kind of women who didn’t need men to help them.

Gabe Newell Declines Generous Threesome Offer

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Bellevue, Wash. – Following previous reports that Gabe Newell had been propositioned by a local couple for a threesome, Newell has confirmed that he turned down the generous offer.

Newell cited his guiding principles which led to him turning down the deal in a Twitch stream. 

“This couple’s been trying to get me to participate with them for the last 17 years,” Newell said, stroking his sexy beard with his even sexier hand. “It’s not that I’m opposed to ever having a threesome, but if I’m going to do it I want to reinvent the threesome as we know it. I want to change the threesome game to the point where you can’t help but think of me as you’re preparing to penetrate your partners.”

Newell’s stream continued with him discussing his previous works and how they revolutionized numerous bedroom endeavors.

“No one was sitting on their hands before I did it. I don’t like to brag about it, but I invented ‘The Stranger’,” Gabe bragged. “Then years later, I followed up that innovation with sex that changed the way we thought about physics in sex. The movement and the gravity involved were revolutionary. Each of my lovers came away from it a new person.”

These words echoed across the internet as many learned what most already assumed to be true about the very sexy billionaire. Not all agreed though, as one of Newell’s former lovers took to r/OffMyChest to detail their love affair with the Valve Co-Founder.

“For a guy who co-founded Valve, he sure did struggle to find my valve. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great, but it would have been better if he’d stop trying to innovate and spend more time in the moment,” user GabenUpOnLove wrote on Reddit. “Gabe is a beautiful spirit and I think of him often while I’m in the throes of passion. I just hope he knows he doesn’t need to reinvent the threesome and can just enjoy it for what it is.”

At press time Newell had decided to revisit a classic and proceeded to sit on both of his sexy hands. 

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