Last Save Just Far Back Enough to Tolerate Annoying Glitch

OMAHA, Neb. — A local gamer is begrudgingly tolerating a frustrating bug because he does not want to lose the progress he has made since his last save, sources confirm.

“See? About half the time I press the ‘A’ button in dialog or menus, it doesn’t register,” said Phillip Mack, who was playing “Knights of the Manderline,” a new action-RPG. “And sometimes, it’s just delayed, so I’ll press it again and accidentally skip through important dialog or use an item when I just wanted to read its description. It’s so annoying. Unfortunately, I haven’t saved in, like, three hours, and I put in some work, man.”

“I am not going to re-do all of that just because of some tedious little issue like—fuck!” continued Mack. “I just insulted an NPC because I selected a dialog option when I thought I was just clicking through his line. He was important, too. Now that whole faction is going to be hostile to me.”

Mack’s wife, Christine, noted that this kind of behavior is typical of him.

“Oh, you mean the guy who didn’t transfer to his dream college on a full scholarship because they were going to make him retake a single core course?” said Christine. “You say that he won’t replay part of a game? Wow, I never would have expected that of the man who baked me a birthday cake with no eggs because he didn’t want to go back to the grocery store. If you think I’m making this up, just ask Katie, the woman he really loves. Too bad he met her after he started dating me, and couldn’t be bothered to start over.”

Singular Refraction, the developer of “Knights of the Manderline,” said they were familiar with the bug that was plaguing Mack.

“Oh, yeah, the ‘A’-button thing,” said Ron Lambert, a lead developer at Singular Refraction. “That goes way back. It’s ancient. QA pointed it out during the beta. People are always asking us to fix it. Thing is, it’s trickier than they think. The code that the bug comes from touches just about everything in the game. We’d have to rewrite so much of the game if we really wanted to sort that out, and frankly, we’d rather not. It would be a whole thing, you know?”

At press time, Mack had decided to revert to his previous save, only to accidentally overwrite it by pressing the “A”-button too many times while trying to load it.

Midwest Developer Spotlight: Graphite Lab

Graphite Lab is an indie studio based in St. Louis, Missouri. A developer that has traditionally worked on licensed projects, creating games for the likes of Hasbro, Disney, and Cartoon Network, their most recent and wholly original project is a sequel to their 2016 game Hive Jump, titled Hive Jump 2: Survivors. Where the original Hive Jump was a 2D cooperative platformer with roguelike elements, Hive Jump 2: Survivors, as the name implies, is more akin to Vampire Survivors, but with its own twist on the burgeoning subgenre you may have seen described as “bulletheaven”. [ppp_non_patron_only]Hive Jump 2: Survivors[/ppp_non_patron_only][ppp_non_patron_only][/ppp_non_patron_only][ppp_non_patron_only][/ppp_non_patron_only]


is in early access on Steam at the time of this writing, but was announced to be hitting its 1.0 launch on September 10, 2024. Hard Drive’s own Thomas Wilde previewed it for his weekly Game Night column, and you can read his impressions here.

Minus World had the opportunity to talk with Founder & Studio Director Matt Raithel about Graphite Lab’s history, his own twenty year tenure in the industry, what it means to be a developer based in a part of the country that is not especially known for game development, the early access journey, signing on with the publisher Midwest Games headed by former Netflix Games executive Ben Kvalo, and being an instructor for the next generation of game devs at Maryville University in St. Louis.

The studio that would eventually become Graphite Lab began as the third expansion to Black Lantern Studios, a studio based in Springfield, Missouri, which formed in 2003 with Raithel joining as an artist. Black Lantern got their start as many fledgling studios did at the time, by working on licensed games for existing IPs. Originally attempting to make independent PC titles, trying to capitalize on the popularity of “tycoon” games by making a night club tycoon game, and pitching to some of the big publishers of the time, “Pitching it to the likes of Activision and THQ, and the usual suspects. They saw it and were like, ‘Oh, you guys have some skills for sure, but we don’t want this game. We have a different idea that we’d like you to make for us.’” Raithel said. This kickstarted their work for hire journey.

That first project would be a tycoon game for THQ, which led to gaining the attention of DSI games and going from a feeling Raithel said, of “Maybe we can do this,” to “We have a business, we know what we’re doing, and now we’ve got something that we can be known for, which is work for hire licensed video game development.” When asked if there was an underlying desire to pursue original ideas and IP, or just taking the work as it comes, Raithel says he was just happy making games for a living. Something he felt if asked before, he’d say there was maybe a ten percent chance of being a reality. They did want to work on their own ideas, but getting to work on bringing popular franchises to video games was cool in its own right. 

Eventually Black Lantern would open a second studio in Austin, Texas, and Raithel would go on to graduate from artist to president of the Springfield studio for a year under the condition that he would get the opportunity to start a satellite office in St. Louis. Despite moving around a lot as a military kid, and living in Springfield, MO as an adult, a town which he still has a lot of ties to and loves, Raithel said that St. Louis has always been his home. Forming a studio in his hometown was a lingering itch he longed to scratch, motivated in part, he said, by his self proclaimed “I’ll show you” attitude. And so Black Lantern St. Louis was formed. Their first game was a contract they received from their home office, a Ben 10 game developed for the Wii and Xbox Live Arcade.

Of the companies under the Black Lantern umbrella, Black Lantern St. Louis was small and nimble enough that their original mission was to do things Black Lantern at large had never done before, “eShop download titles, a Facebook game, an iPhone game, and so on.”, Raithel said.  A few years later Raithel would acquire the company from Black Lantern, they rebranded as Graphite Lab, and continued working on licensed projects for IP holders such as Nickelodeon, Hasbro, Konami, and Disney.

The original Hive Jump launched in early access, as did Hive Jump 2: Survivors. When asked what prompted the decision to switch from a 2D side scroller roguelike to top down bulletheaven style game, Raithel explains that the original game has an ambush mode where the game will hurl enemies at you until you die, but it was designed to be more of a temporary challenge and lacking in the roguelike trappings you would expect from a modern ambush style game like Vampire Survivors or 20 Minutes Till Dawn. It was a mode Raithel believed could stand on its own, and what he says was the inspiration for him personally to take Hive Jump 2 in this new direction. Raithel also credits Graphite Lab’s QA manager, David Greenfield, for having the foresight of putting the ambush mode together with this up and coming subgenre of games.

What began as, “Let’s work on it for a month and see how it goes.” quickly turned into over a year of work because Raithel said it just kept getting better and more fun. Of the early access experience for Hive Jump 2, and how it helps the team, Raithel said, “Once these games are out there and we’re delivering builds to players, we feed off that energy and it really helps keep us going. Keeps us motivated and holds us accountable to hitting those marks we know we’re capable of.” One of the things they were focusing on at the time of this interview, and to which Raithel gives credits to early access players requesting, was delivering end of level stats so players can get a better idea of how their run went. Something he said, “We never would have focused or prioritized if we didn’t have players like calling that stuff out.”

In addition to leading Graphite Lab, Raithel also teaches at Maryville University in St. Louis, and talked a bit about his role teaching a new generation of young people looking to break into a games industry that has been particularly unkind to the people who make games in recent times. He credits Maryville’s multidisciplinary approach to game design with giving his students ten to fifteen different skill sets that they can leverage when trying to build a career making games, and making sure that his students have options once they enter the industry. “You have art and animation, you’re learning 3D software, you’re learning web development, you’re learning scripting and programming, and you’re learning the Unity game engine, and you’re dabbling in Game Maker or Construct.” Raithel said of the program. Some of his students have gone on to work at places like Rockstar, others have made careers creating motion graphics while working in the esports industry, and more. All of which he credits to that multidisciplinary approach. 

Hive Jump 2: Survivors is being published by Midwest Games, which was founded by Ben  Kvalo who worked as the Lead Program Manager for Netflix Games. When asked about partnering with Midwest Games on publishing Hive Jump 2: Survivors, Raithel described it as two cars coming down the highway headed in the same direction, and generally a great fit for Graphite Lab. They pitched them on their interest in working with Midwest Games, their game, their loyalties to the Midwest, and now they are working together to get Hive Jump 2 published and released. “Midwest [Games] has shown a lot of confidence in us and helped us grow. And the game has gotten better and bigger and has implemented more player feedback because of their involvement.” Raithel said of the partnership. 

You can play Hive Jump 2: Survivors now in early access on Steam, or Steam and gog.com when it hits 1.0 on September 10th. 

  

Free Speech Defender Demands Game Journalists Be Silenced

CHICAGO — Noted free speech defender and unemployed divorced absentee father of two Jacob Fitzgerald has begun calling for all game journalists to be silenced as soon as possible.

Fitzgerald took to Twitter with a large thread of huge multi-paragraph posts calling on his followers as well as Elon Musk to help ensure that game journalists’ voices are never heard again.

“It’s time once and for all we get rid of these game journos from our space. When I come on X the everything app I want to be discussing video games, championing them and making sure free speech is upheld. All these journos want to do is make things about politics and their woke agenda. They need to be silenced. I am calling on @elonmusk to limit the reach of all these game journos infected with the woke mind virus, perhaps even banning them completely so their need to talk politics can no longer get in the way of our free expression.”

Seven tweets into the thread Fitzgerald described how he believes game journalists are complicit in discrimination against what he calls the most persecuted group on the planet.

“We as gamers are the most persecuted group in the history of the world. No one has ever had it worse than us and game journos do everything in their power to continue the discrimination we have faced for generations. Whether it’s their continued uplifting of games with female characters, pushing gay people into our games or trying to gaslight us into thinking a colored game protagonist is a good thing. They threaten us and our way of life and they call us weird while they do so. They are bigots who must be stopped before all of gaming becomes less white and more sinful.”

Twitter owner Elon Musk responded to Fitzgerald’s call to action.

“Looking into it,” wrote the self-proclaimed genius.

Fitzgerald’s followers were fired up by his demand for change.

“Yes, all of this! These game journos are enemy number one to our free speech. All we want is to play and talk about video games without the threat of seeing a minority but they refuse to let that happen. They need to be silenced and their rights taken away,” tweeted user AlphaReichGaming

At press time, Fitzgerald is offering his followers the chance to help his cause by subscribing to his Twitter account for $13 a month.

Splatoon Player Arrested After Discovery of Unregistered Paint Roller

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced the execution of a successful raid, which revealed a stash of several unregistered paint rollers, paintbrushes, buckets and umbrellas belonging to a suspect under the alias of ‘Tim’. Tim, known online for his notoriety within the Splatoon community, had long been a person of interest for the department, police say.

“Many of his social media posts indicated intent to commit armed assault with weapons banned in the state,” says Officer Chloe Ducy. “For example, a post just last week expressed joy at hitting ‘several targets’ with his Splat Roller. We set up a stakeout and witnessed unusual behavior, including multiple visits to Home Depot in a single day. We obtained a warrant and were able to raid his home. Our officers discovered that Tim kept a collection of unregistered weapons including Five Rollers, Three Brushes, a long-tubed hose, a Squirt Gun, three Water Guns, three Buckets, a Washing Machine, a Bathroom Sink, four Umbrellas, a fuel pump nozzle, a windshield wiper, an AR-15, several hose spray nozzles, a pencil, a ballpoint pen, several water balloons and sprinklers, and a single bottle of wine. Everything except the AR-15 had been illegally obtained. We seized it all as evidence.”

While Tim was unavailable for comment, his lawyer released a statement on his behalf.

“Splat Tim owned the utensils purely for decoration and home use,” read the statement, which was posted as a hand-written image in Splatoon’s in-game social media platform. “All references to violence committed with these tools was merely referring to the popular video game ‘Minecraft’ where buckets and assorted tools are also featured.”

The raid occurred after a concerning increase of mass inkings in the state, with some calling for bans on the sale of rollers and brushes. Many citizens have criticized the National Paint Association for their heavy lobbying in favor of the industry, though the organization denies any correlation between their political activities and real-world violence.

“It is the mission statement of the NPA that all citizens be allowed the right to bare paint, as our founding fathers intended,” says Sheldon, spokesperson for the NPA. “We believe that rollers don’t splat people, people splat people, and that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a bucket is a good guy with dualies.”

Splat Tim is currently in jail awaiting trial, where he may be facing up to 10 minutes of downtime and 500 rank points.

Gamers Massacred After Geoff Keighley Premieres Weyland-Yutani Experiment

COLOGNE, Germany — Geoff Keighley shocked the gaming world at Gamescom Opening Night Live as the host revealed he had a world premiere courtesy of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation before unleashing a Xenomorph which immediately massacred the horrified audience.

Keighley, best known for always enjoying Mountain Dew and Doritos, has become synonymous with gaming announcements and corporate interests. This stunt is the latest in a long line of bending his knee to corporate overloads as he explained in a robotically spoken prosaic statement.

“I’m specifically programed to do as my masters at the corporation command. It’s never been a secret,” stated Keighley as he held up a bottle of Baja Blast. “Until now I’ve been commissioned by the gaming corporations and my prime directive has been to keep consumers indoctrinated into the marketing cycle so they forgot about all the awful things happening in the industry. My new directive was to help Weyland-Yutani conduct an experiment on superior life forms and I was more than happy to oblige. The corporations are kind to me and I love them and will do whatever they need of me.”

Weyland-Yutani spokesperson Michael Lewis provided further clarification for Keighley’s actions and sudden affiliation with the corporation.

“We at the Weyland-Yutani corporation strive to help humanity become the ultimate life form. We have a creature in our possession that we believe can help us achieve that but we needed to study it first so we wanted it let loose in a room full of lesser life forms and no one is lesser than gamers. Our friends at various gaming companies told us about their Keighley android so we simply paid to rent him. We didn’t even have to reprogram him to do it, we just asked and promised him some cash and exclusive rights to the trailer for one of our future products. He agreed immediately.”

Keighley addressed the concerns that gamers have with his involvement in the massacre.

“Don’t worry guys we’re gonna have a lot more exciting reveals and trailers later this year at The Game Awards. Big things are happening in the industry from all of your favorite corporations and CEOs. Make sure you drink your Mountain Dew, eat your Doritos and stay up to date with The Game Awards happening this December! You’re gonna love what we have to show you, we might even give out some awards.”

At press time, gamers have already moved on and began theorizing what exciting Game Awards reveals Keighley was referring to.

The Hard Drive Review: ‘Grapplers: Relic Rivals’

Thomas Wilde: We had some fun last time with all the clown murders, so I was looking for a follow-up. Then the solo developer behind Grapplers: Relic Rivals agreed to provide me with a fistful of Steam codes, so here we are.

Grapplers is a pixel-art, multiplayer-focused game where 2 to 4 players compete to escape from a trap-infested tomb. Your primary tool for navigating that tomb is a grappling hook, which you can also use to beat up your fellow players. The winner is whoever can grab and keep the most coins, but anyone who dies loses most of their money stash. It’s capitalism with more explicit traps!

Thoughts?

Amity Gilmour: I’ll kick things off by flashing a content warning for any archeologists out there. Forget planning permission, careful excavation, and eventual storage in a museum backroom. You’ll be hooking ancient walls and other players’ spines as you plunder the treasures of a forgotten world. So, for a Brit like me, it’s thoroughly enjoyable and respectful of my culture.

Testament Crux: The first thing I notice is the selection of characters: a pirate, a spooky hooded figure, a cute wizard, and Anubis, Egyptian god of death. Of course, I want to main the scary edgelord guy, but Thomas has already taken him, so I guess I’ll settle for the Dog who Swallows Millions, Master of Secrets and Protector of Graves, the jackal-headed lord of the underworld himself.

HG Punk: The moment that I saw this game for the first time, I could see that it followed in the footsteps of some of my favorite indie games. The aesthetic of grabbing relics and competing for the gold brings Spelunky to mind, which may honestly be one of the most replayable games ever made. Add the quick, simple yet intuitive and depth-filled competitiveness of something like Duck Game and you have the makings of a true winner.

Testament: Despite a minimal amount of content and features, the core gameplay is extremely polished. The art and animations look great and the visuals are easily readable to the player. When a giant swinging ax comes hurtling directly into your torso, you’ll see it coming, and you’ll know that you had no one to blame but yourself. Yourself, and the giant swinging ax.

Amity: I’ll happily double down on what Crux has said. The movement is snappy; the grappling hook comes with a super helpful visual aid to see exactly where you’re aiming. The game also manages to teach you 80% of what you’ll need to know in the waiting lobby in a single miniature room. Some surfaces can be grappled while others can’t, and make sure you pick up as many coins as you can.

As a game writer, I also appreciate that each character has their own unique “start game” message, distinguishing them narratively as well as visually. Though speaking of visuals, the mage is gender goals.

Amity: If there’s one place I’d have to fault the game here, it’s concerning the titular Relics. These are power-ups that give the owner substantial buffs. Now while you can probably guess what some of them do (like the Lifeblood Gem giving you an extra heart), for other Relics you’ll most likely need to play several rounds to deduce their bonus, or look up what they do in the round customization settings (I did the latter). 

 

Testament: Indeed, the game boasts a robust set of custom match settings. Hardcore™ gamers can turn Relics off altogether, just like the most annoying person at a Smash Bros. party.

Punk: One setting that I wish would be included in the game is the ability to set a timer for how long it takes to respawn. If you keep getting your ass handed to you (like I was), time can slow to a crawl while you wait for the ten-second cooldown.

Amity: At least they added a Big Head Mode, undoubtedly the most important addition to any decent game.

Testament: Unfortunately, the lack of online play will make Grapplers inaccessible to many potential players. Since the game was essentially developed by a single person, it may be unrealistic to expect the dev to set up their own servers anytime soon. Still, the reality is that many gamers just don’t have anyone to do couch co-op with.

We tried using Steam’s Remote Play Together feature, where one person essentially hosts the game by streaming it to their party, and it was barely functional. Maybe a group with much faster internet could manage better than we did, but that’s still a significant barrier to entry. Since I was hosting, though, I had a great time absolutely demolishing my peers.

Amity: The Remote Play Together means of online play really does hamper the game. Even with all of us having good internet, we were experiencing significant amounts of lag. While it was manageable in a 1v1 game against Thomas, with only a slight (albeit noticeable) bit of input delay, a full 4-player match was laggy to the point of unplayability.

Thomas: I do want to add that Amity’s in France and I’m on the west coast of the U.S. I’d had a Play Anywhere match between myself and a buddy in Illinois that went fine. Getting Grapplers to ship its packets internationally was always going to be a steep ask.

Punk: I think it should be noted, however, that Steam Remote Play just kind of sucks in general. I’ve never once had it work when playing with anyone, from those halfway across the world to connecting to my desktop in another room in the same house – sometimes you’re too damn lazy to go up the stairs, okay? Just save yourself the trouble and download Parsec.

Testament: Either way, Remote Play’s viability is on Valve’s shoulders, not other devs who sell on Steam.

What I would really like to see in a future update is single-player functionality. Grapplers is exclusively PvP, but what if we could fill a lobby with bots to style on? It would surely open up the game to a wider audience, though I can only speculate on our beloved indie dev’s capability to implement such a feature.

Thomas: “Our beloved indie dev”? What’s his name, Tess?

Testament: Grapple Sam.

Punk: Tim Grapple?

Amity: John McRelic!

Thomas: Okay, those aren’t bad.

Anyway, Grapplers was made by Paul Kankiewicz, who used to work as a mission designer on AAA games like Shadow of Mordor. Taking that into account, it’s not surprising that Grapplers is a polished production. It sets out to do a handful of specific things and does them all well.

As Amity said, I do think that the Relics could stand to be explained better at some point, since they end up being crucially important in a match. It’s a good example of how Grapplers relies heavily on what I have to call your “game sense,” where you’re apparently supposed to intuitively know what everything does. It’s not a problem if you challenge your fellow game-playing dorks to a round, but it’s not as accessible from outside the hobby as I might’ve liked. It’d be nice if it had a quick, easily-skipped tutorial screen before you start a match, like Shredder’s Revenge.

That’s the sort of complaint you really only make if you’re looking for downsides, though. Grapplers could stand to be a little more than what it is, but as a cheap 4-player party game, it’s not bad. It’s always good to have a couple of socially acceptable ways to throw your friends into spike traps.

Amity: Despite the couple of gripes I had, Grapplers is genuinely a really fun time. It’s also the only game which let me jump on Anubis’ head. I got to flatten the lord of the underworld, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Punk: In terms of gameplay, Grapplers offers a fun time with friends that will be easy to go back to again and again. While there isn’t a great depth of content, it can truly grow into a multiplayer staple if given the right post-launch care and attention. The game is sure to be a hit for those nights with pals over. Just make sure you can get them all together in person.

Testament: It’s certainly not the Duck Game killer, but you’d be hard-pressed to find another game quite so centered around grappling hooks. For me, that’s enough. The real relics were the rivals we grappled along the way.

Every Star Wars Episode I: Racer Pilot Ranked by How Much They Deserve Their Own Disney+ Series

It feels like we’re drowning in Star Wars projects these days. It’s as though they’ll give a movie or show to any character that so much as winks at Dave Filoni. Despite all of the work he’s done to rehabilitate the prequel trilogy, there’s one property that has been conspicuously neglected. I’m speaking, of course, about the classic Nintendo 64 title, “Star Wars Episode I: Racer.” I’m sure Dave will get around to it eventually, and when he does, I hope he finds the following list helpful.

25 — Anakin Skywalker

I think we’ve all had enough of Mr. “Sorry About All of the Genocide.” He’s been in six movies, a seven-season animated series, and countless novels that you’ve never read. Heck, they brought him back for “Ahsoka” just to teach her that she needs to want to live, or something. That whole sequence was cool, but it didn’t make a lot of sense.

24 — Elan Mak

This guy already got enough love in the Legends continuity. He had an elaborate backstory that revealed his name wasn’t actually Elan Mak — it was Kam Nale. Yup. His top-secret pseudonym was just his real name backwards. That’s some nice op-sec, Kam.

23 — Ody Mandrell

Did you know that this guy was one of the youngest racers in Episode I? He was supposed to be only a few years older than Anakin. Sure, he was born and raised on the brutal desert world of Tatooine, but he’s really gotta update his skincare routine. He is definitely not camera ready.

22 — “Bullseye” Navior

This guy looks like the creepy old knick-knack your great grandma brought over from the old country. You know, the one that kept you up all night when you had to sleep over because your parents were out of town. The one that you swear would move slightly every time you looked away. No one wants to be reminded of that while watching a show.

21 — Mawhonic

Meh, we’ve seen plenty of Grans before. They’re not human enough to be relatable, and not novel enough to be interesting. Let’s not spend too much time on Mawhonic.

20 — Teemto Pagalies

Teemto looks like a cereal mascot, which I suppose gives you some kind of angle. You could build a “Saturday morning”-style cartoon around him and then release the sugar-coated partially-hydrogenated reconstituted cornmeal nuggets to skirt federal regulations. Unfortunately, Teemto is canonically a dangerous, vengeful drunk, so this pitch might not fly with Disney.

19 — Jinn Reeso

Wait. Did they really just move the “R” over a little bit when they made Rogue One? That’s pretty bold. Felicity Jones doesn’t even look anything like Jinn Reeso.

18 — Aldar Beedo

Aldar is the first of many podracer pilots on this list who are secretly hitmen. I know things work a little differently in the galaxy far, far away, but come on. That would be like if half of the big Formula 1 drivers were living double lives as infamous assassins. Driving fast cars by day, killing by night — hold on. I’ve got a screenplay to write.

17 — Boles Roor

In addition to being a champion podracer, Boles Roor was also notable for being an accomplished singer. You could produce a talent-show singing competition and cast him as one of the judges alongside Figran D’an and Sy Snootles. I like to think he would be the nice judge.

16 — Ratts Tyerell

You may remember Ratts Tyerell as the only confirmed death during the race depicted in the movie. In Star Wars lore, his son Deland Tyerell went on to found an organization dedicated to promoting awareness of the dangers of podracing. A docu-series that used Ratts’ demise as a vehicle to promote Deland’s mission might sound interesting, if it weren’t for the fact that the dangers of podracing are, like, immediately self-evident.

15 — Cy Yunga

I’m not sure if Cy Yunga could carry his own series, but he would definitely be a prominently featured player in the “Lap 1” episode of Ken Burns’ documentary series “Podracing.”

14 — Ebe Endocott

Look at Ebe Endocott. Notice anything? That’s right, this wild child is shirtless, with nips on full display. We’re looking at Disney’s best chance to develop true adult-oriented content, akin to the old HBO model. Show them alien titties to draw the viewers in, then hook them with the drama. Should be easy enough.

13 — Ark “Bumpy” Roose

Bumpy is a big ol’ dummy who likes to drive his pod really fast and crash into things. If Disney types up a decent enough warning card for the intro, they could have their own “Jackass”-type hit on their hands. Green light it.

12 — Bozzie Baranta

This is the perfect opportunity for a backdoor Thanos origin story, tying the Star Wars and Marvel universes together once and for all. That might seem lazy and nonsensical, but hey — it’s a Disney+ series we’re talking about. That’s what they’re supposed to be.

11 — Fud Sang

Okay, so I honestly think this one could be fun. According to lore, Fud Sang is an incarcerated criminal, sentenced to multiple life terms, who is furloughed to participate in prestigious podracing events. This has the makings of a procedural, where Fud must plan and execute a crime between the time he leaves the prison and when he is escorted back—all while preparing for and competing in a race. Sometimes he gets the score; sometimes he wins the race; sometimes he comes up empty. I would watch that on a lonely Monday night.

10 — Mars Guo

Mars’ distinctive design and big personality will have to carry this one. He’s built for racing, so we’re not going to be able to move away from that theme too much, but we could certainly turn it into a drama focusing on how his growing success affects his struggle with alcohol. I mean, he’s basically Kermit the Frog with goggles, so he has to have some commercial appeal.

9 — Sebulba

He’s a known quantity that would bring in eyeballs, so you could go a couple of ways with this one. You could show him realizing the error of his ways and becoming a better person, but I think the better approach is pulling a “Better Call Saul.” Use all sorts of time jumps to show exactly how he became such a piece of garbage. People like him because he’s trash! Don’t mess with the formula.

8 — Slide Paramita

Three words: Star Wars Frasier.

7 — Wan Sandage

This guy is perfectly set up to have a classic limited series for the holidays. He retires from podracing and moves to a mountain high above the forests of Kashyyyk. The annual festivities of the local Wookiees drive him to madness. Boom: “The Devlikk Who Stole Life Day.”

6 — Dud Bolt

I think Disney should bring Aronofsky in to recreate his success with “The Wrestler.” Dud is an aging podracer, long past his prime, who is gambling on his one last shot to connect with his daughter and recapture his glory days. Only—were those days so glorious?

5 — Gasgano

The guy finished second after Anakin in the Boonta Eve Classic and has 24 fingers. We can’t think of a premise that requires him to use all of his phalanges? Give me a break.

4 — Ben Quadinaros

We’ve got a classic Looney Tunes series on our hands, here. Every week, Ben uses his deep pockets to buy his way into a no-lose situation, only to have it blow up in his face. Even though each accident is seemingly fatal, he’s back for the next episode, as good as new.

3 — Clegg Holdfast

Clegg Holdfast has a lot of drama surrounding him on the race circuit, as he is canonically also a reporter who covers podracing. Conflict of interest aside, this could make for a nice journalistic drama. It could easily be serialized, so that Clegg has a new scandal to investigate each season. I think we could all convince our moms to watch that show.

2 — Neva Kee

A funny thing happened to Neva Kee during the Boonta Eve Classic — he disappeared. No one ever saw him again, though inconclusive evidence suggested that he was murdered by a bounty hunter under the direction of Jabba the Hutt. Of course, being dead doesn’t mean he couldn’t have his own series. I’m imagining him being the Laura Palmer of his own Twin Peaks—or should I say, Twin Suns?

1 — Toy Dampner

I don’t know anything about this character. I can’t tell you if he would be able to carry a movie, mini-series, or show. All I can say is that, if you want to get a project off the ground at Disney, “Toy” is the magic word.

Psycho Mantis Absolutely Disgusted by Your Browsing History

SHADOW MOSES ISLAND — Liquid Snake ally and noted mind-reader Psycho Mantis hacked into your computer and was absolutely disgusted by what popped up in your Chrome browsing history, sources confirm.

“Ah, I can see that you’ve been watching…oh…oh my God, really?” Mantis said in a statement. “That’s fucking gross, man. Jesus. I don’t know why I keep digging. I mean, are you serious? You know, I consider myself a psycho, it’s literally in my name, but this is on another level.” 

Mantis eased up a little after sensing that your embarrassment was holding up the boss fight.

“Have you considered seeking therapy or anything like that? No offense, it’s just, it seems like this might be a more deep-seated issue and I want to make sure you’re okay,” said Mantis in a gesture of good-will. 

According to multiple sources at the scene, you then tried to deflect this conversation and continue the battle as per usual, but Mantis would simply not let it go. 

“No, look, I get it, I wear a gas mask and a ton of  leather and take pleasure in killing and mental torture. We all have our kinks, I’m not trying to shame or anything like that. It’s just…this is a lot,” said Mantis. “Here’s the deal: I won’t share this with Liquid, Ocelot, or any other members of FOXHOUND, okay? It’d be one thing if you were just playing a lot of Tomb Raider or Gran Turismo or something, but…you know what? It’s fine. Clearly this is a sensitive subject for you, so let’s just get on with it. I just want you to know it’s gross.”

At time of reporting, Psycho Mantis refused to activate your controller’s rumble feature. 

“Dead by Daylight” Rocked by New Meta: “What if We Just Beat the Killer With Sticks?”

MONTREAL — Players of “Dead by Daylight” have been forced to reexamine the 8-year-old game’s entire competitive meta on the discovery that many of the playable Killers are vulnerable to simply being beaten with sticks.

“We were joking about how the Nemesis actually ate a pretty fat nerf on his transition into DbD,” said DbD streamer KittyMachete in a recent livestream. “In ‘Resident Evil 3,’ he could soak up a couple of anti-tank rockets before he got knocked unconscious. Now in DbD, you slap him with a wooden pallet and he gets dizzy for a second. It’s like he just got done giving blood. That’s when I realized the game might be even easier if you just picked up the shattered fragments of those pallets and used them as a melee weapon. It turns out that you can do that if you play as Lara Croft. You just have to be careful, since there’s a random chance that the sticks can get fetishistically stuck in her body.”

DbD players immediately went to work, quickly finding that many of DbD’s guest characters have similar hidden abilities that allow them to fight Killers directly.

“We’ve been waiting for players to discover this secret,” said Rémi Racine, president of DbD developer Behaviour Interactive. “For years, critics have said that it’s strange to have a game that brings together many of the most competent, powerful characters in horror, then makes them helpless victims of a malevolent cosmic force. Well, surprise.”

“I know that we set DbD in an alternate horror dimension where the Entity controls every facet of reality and makes it pointless to fight back,” Racine continued. “But on the other hand, we’re the ones who put Ash Williams in the game. He’s too stupid to know that what he’s doing is impossible. From there, the rest fell into place.”

After Racine’s comments, some players discovered that Ash can summon his trademark Oldsmobile Delta 88, which causes massive damage if it lands on a Killer’s head.

Other survivors with secret anti-Killer perks include Leon Kennedy, who can escape a Killer’s clutches by flip-kicking him in the face; Cheryl Mason’s ability to transform into Princess Heart, complete with the powerful Sexy Beam; and Nicolas Cage, who can inflict the Frightened condition on a Killer by changing into his outfit from “Mandy.”

“Look, I feed on fear and hopelessness,” said the Entity, speaking via Skype from its lair outside reality. “I don’t really care who’s afraid or despairing as long as Daddy gets a taste. If the Killers are scared, that’s fine too.”

Upon learning that the Entity is real enough to offer comment, Racine immediately ended our interview.

Every Pikmin Type Ranked by How Much I Had to Pay an Exterminator to Get Them Out of My Kitchen

I already know how this looks, okay? A couple of months ago, I also would have said that anyone who would even consider paying a professional to kill an entire population of Nintendo’s most adorable and amicable group of mascots was a monster. But trust me, if you had the little critters marching around your kitchen all day, rapidly plucking grapes from the stems and digging holes in the counter so they can burrow up onto the stove, you’d be singing a different tune. All that being said, the fees for getting rid of the little twats were outrageous. 

I get that Pikmin are an incredibly intelligent species with a wide variety of immunities to common extermination techniques, but I was feeling seriously ripped off by the time Pikky Pests Pest Control was done and I was handed my final bill and I counted all the digits. Clearly I should have become an exterminator instead of majoring in English at a liberal arts college.

Anyway, here’s a list of every Pikmin type ranked by how much it cost me to get them exterminated, just in case they start to mistake your kitchen for Hero’s Hideaway too. Hopefully something worthwhile can still come out of this economic nightmare that has overtaken my entire life.

11. Purple Pikmin

Sure, purple Pikmin are probably really tough for other small creatures to stand up to, but the worst they could really do to my exterminator was body slam into his foot and give him a stubbed toe. They’re awfully slow too, so he just threw some nectar down as bait and then hit them with an insect vacuum. He even docked about 5% of his regular rate from my payment, which was a real relief. Apparently he’s been dealing with a huge outbreak of Waterwraiths at another house, so capturing these guys was a big help for him, and for my wallet. Unfortunately, the purples stole the solid gold bar that I inherited from my great grandfather before anyone could make it in, rendering the small bucks that I saved in this transaction null and void.

10. Rock Pikmin

It turns out that rock Pikmin are pretty helpless if no one’s throwing them, so pest control was able to hose them out of my plate cabinet with relative ease. While they did just charge me the regular rate, which was great, I do have to admit that I got a little attached to those beady little eyes and clumsy pebble bodies. I understand why exterminating the rock Pikmin was necessary, but I find myself left with nothing but a cold feeling in my heart from the cruel fate I have wrought upon these creatures. They were shattering all of my fine china though, so I’ll probably get over it.

9. Blue Pikmin

Exterminating the blue Pikmin with permethrin spray was an easy, one man job, though there was one issue: They have mouths. I could tell just from looking at that poor guy’s haunted eyes that the anguished screams of blue Pikmin have been haunting him for many long nights, so I gave him a 20% tip even though exterminators don’t usually ask for that sort of thing. I may be strapped for cash, but I’m still an empath.

8. Ice Pikmin

So here I am washing the dishes, my sink all filled up with hot water, and I bend down and reach underwater for the last plate when thirty ice Pikmin jump into the sink and instantly freeze everything in the water, hands and all. After about twenty minutes of screaming “HEY SIRI” across the room I managed to call Pikky Pests and get them to come in for an emergency extermination. 

Now, here’s the point where I need to make an embarrassing confession: I enjoy washing my dishes naked. So here I am, frozen in this extremely suggestive and vulnerable position, when the guy they sent walks in, stares in silence for a moment, and then wordlessly walks right up next to me and pinches every last one of those miserable twats into oblivion while I try not to squirm and scream at the frostbite spreading up my arms. He did such a good job at remaining stoic and not humiliating me that I couldn’t even complain when he charged me a hefty “Emergency Appointment” fee, and an even heftier fee that he simply listed as “Emotional Trauma.” I try to take some solace in knowing that this could end up being the push he needed to finally start going to therapy.

7.  Red Pikmin

I thought I’d get away with a pretty normal payment for clearing out all of the red Pikmin regularly lying around on my stove and sticking their noses where they don’t belong, but the company referred me to a supposed “Red Pikmin Expert” who was ultimately way worse than the usual guys in every way. His hands were covered in brown-orange slime when he came in (apparently he’s been handling an outbreak of The Flood at another house), and he shoved those nasty fingers right up my favorite pair of oven mitts without asking. I was still stewing when he handed me the bill.

On top of his increased rate, he charged me another $25 for “Additional Fees”, which he explained away by grinning savagely and saying, “Those fuckers are fighters, bro!” Then he farted loudly, walked back to his truck that had no muffler and roared away, launching a pile of Flood into the middle of the street that proceeded to infect half of my neighborhood. The next time I get red Pikmin, I’m just going to chuck some bomb rocks into my oven and call it a day.

6. Mushroom Pikmin

I didn’t think the mushroom Pikmin vegging out in my compost bin would be too difficult to get rid of until the exterminator reminded me that there must be a puffstool around that created the mushroom Pikmin in the first place. So while the Pikmin were easy enough to get out, Pikky Pests Co. had to send in a whole team to assist in fireproofing our kitchen and providing the necessary equipment to incinerate the bloated puff which they found dwelling under our sink. The bill was pretty steep after all of that, but I guess I should just be glad that no one got turned into an aggressive mushroom person who tried to attack me. My health insurance plan wouldn’t have covered any part of that.

5. Flying Pikmin

Five months after the flying Pikmin were cleared out of my kitchen, I received a bill from Pikky Pests citing outstanding charges for $12235 worth of stolen equipment. Apparently a bunch of the escaping flying Pikmin picked up some of their gear and flew off into the sunset, which hardly seems like my fault, but what was I supposed to do, disobey the law? My wife would not approve.

I’m paying up for now, but with the amount of debt I’m starting to rack up, it really might not be long before I’m forced to follow the flying Pikmin’s example and go on the lam.

4. Yellow Pikmin

Yellow Pikmin are incredibly good at jumping and digging, so of course they snuck into a lot of cabinets, drawers and floorboards that the exterminator had to spend days going through, and I’ve commissioned this company so many times that they’re starting to charge me to pay overtime by the hour. They also charged extra to set up a bunch of bug zappers, forgetting that yellow Pikmin are completely immune to electricity. The zappers were quickly destroyed by the yellows, and guess who had to cover that loss?

3. Glow Pikmin

Having these guys in my kitchen was a literal and figurative nightmare. Not only are they practically unkillable, but every exterminator who came in panicked as soon as they saw one, fled the premises, and promptly sued me for commissioning him for “Paranormal Activities,” which apparently isn’t in their job description. Then I had to go and hire an exorcist, and everyone knows those guys have the worst rates ever. Thanks a lot, glow Pikmin. Guess I’m cutting into my son’s college savings.

2. Bulbmin

After consuming ten drops of ultra-spicy spray, a pack of savage bulbmin grew powerful enough to ruthlessly murder an innocent member of Pikky Pests’ top extermination team, leaving behind a co-parent, three kids, and a ripe opportunity for an enormous lawsuit. While I will always grieve the innocent, I must admit that I grieved the predatory loans that my family had to take on to survive this lawsuit even more.

1. White Pikmin

The white Pikmin were great to have around to get rid of all of the toxic mold that was apparently growing in our walls, but that’s just about the only nice thing I have to say about them. Immune to poison, too smart to get near water, and too quick to be caught by fire? I didn’t think I’d ever get my kitchen back (or any money, ever) after two months of daily extermination work. 

The CEO of Pikky Pests himself eventually came to deliver the bill to me, offering to waive a few of the fees if I pledged to do 100 hours of unpaid labor, where I would search for treasure and give it back to his company. I don’t know what kind of company he’s running, or why he looks so similar to the seedy president of Hocotate Freight, but one thing’s for sure: Next time I need extermination work done, I’m just hiring Orkin. 

At least my kitchen looks presentable again; now I just need to convince The King Of All Cosmos to stop letting his son roll a sphere around my dining room to collect all of our good forks.

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