FuncoLand Manager Who Traveled From 1996 Via Time Machine: The Hard Drive Interview

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

If you’ve been following along with my series of abysmal interviews, you’ve no doubt been disappointed in at least one of your childhood favorite gaming icons, if not all three that I’ve spoken to. I couldn’t go on like this. Sure, its inevitable that in a month or two me and Diddy Kong are doing a dine and dash at an Arby’s while I ask him about his childhood, but for now, I just wanted a break, man. I thought maybe it would be a fun change of pace to interview someone from gaming’s past, so we dug out our old 32X* and activated it and waited for someone to come through the door! 

(*For the younger gamers reading this, the 32X was a peripheral introduced by Sega in 1994 to attach to the top of the Sega Genesis console that allowed users to effortlessly travel through time. When paired with the Genesis and the Sega CD drive, it was truly the best gaming setup of the era. Sadly, poor sales and a resistance to altering the fabric of the space time continuum led to the 32X being a commercial failure. We still have ours, though!)

The door opens. I’m not sure why there’s smoke, but smoke rolls out. Here comes this guy. He’s got a red polo shirt on, some video game lanyards, and a name tag that says “Scott.” Poor Scott looks scared out of his mind. He wanders towards the table in our little interview room. I wish it was a more welcoming environment. My Hard Drive office sadly resembles a generic police interrogation room more than anything. I’ve put up a Mario poster, but he doesn’t even notice it. 

 

Scott (FuncoLand Manager from 1996): What… what the hell is happening? Am I dreaming? 

Hard Drive: No Scott, you’re not dreaming. You’ve been transported into 2023 so that I can interview you for my video game website. Welcome to the 21st century! 

 

Scott: What? No really, what’s happening?

Hard Drive: My guess is that you were the closest human soul standing to the 32X back in 1996 that this unit here is synced up with. It’s kind of like Bluetooth, I guess?

 

Scott: What? Bluetooth?

Hard Drive: Oh, right! The ‘90s! It’s like, uh, I don’t know. Cordless shit. It’s… Bluetooth, you know? No one knows how it works! And it doesn’t always work. Frankly, I’m relieved we got you here intact. Last time I tried it all that came through the portal was a bloody shoe. 

 

Scott: My feet do hurt a lot.

Hard Drive: Do they feel like they’re bleeding?

 

Scott: No.

Hard Drive: Cool! Looks like that soldering that Kevin did worked. What a relief. 

 

Scott: Are you going to hurt me?

Hard Drive: No Scott, I just need to interview you for my website. 

 

Scott: Wh-what’s a website?

Hard Drive: Oh damn, I was hoping you’d be ahead of the curve on this stuff. I guess not. Okay, so I’m thinking in 1996 websites were starting to pop up but maybe you hadn’t checked them out quite yet. Do you remember seeing any movie previews on TV and at the end they’d be like “Find out more at The Crow: City of Angels dot com?” or something weird like that?

Scott: Yeah, I do remember seeing that honestly. I didn’t know what the hell it meant.
Hard Drive: They were telling you about a website. If you got onto a computer, you could’ve digitally traveled to a little online place that probably had some cool desktop wallpapers of The Crow for you to download, maybe let you look at pictures of the cast and things like that. 

Scott: *starts crying* I don’t understand what’s going on! 

Hard Drive: Scott, Scott, it’s okay! We’ll get through this interview together. 

 

Scott: And then you’ll send me back to 1996?

Hard Drive: Huh? Oh. Yeah. We know how to do that. Sure. 

 

Scott: Fine. Let’s just do this then. Do you have anything to drink?

Hard Drive: Of course. Hey, can someone bring a Red Bull in here for Scott!

 

Scott screams and hides under the table. He begs me to call off the bull. 

 

Hard Drive: Oh no! Haha, you think I’m talking about a real bull. Red Bull is a soft drink that really caught on over the last 20 years or so. Check this shit out. 

Scott: Wow, that is really tasty. Is this a soda? 

 

Hard Drive: No, that’s the best part! It’s actually an energy drink. All the cold, carbonated pleasures of a delicious soda with the extra kick you’d get from a cup of coffee. 

Scott: It’s delicious, absolutely delicious. Oh, so is this the same “Red Bull” that your hat and shirt are advertising. 

 

Hard Drive: Yes, it is, the exact same. 

Scott: So you guys are like, sponsored by Red Bull, or?

 

Hard Drive: No! Why would you think that? I just thought a delicious Red Bull would hit the spot at a time like this. Although, let’s be honest, is there a bad time for a Red Bull? I sure don’t think so! Whether you’re at home and have to get some work done, or you’ve just base jumped off of the highest building in town, nothing goes down like a Red Bull. It gives you wings! 

In hindsight, I really wish I hadn’t given him that Red Bull. It got him all fired up. He’d never touched the stuff before and we gave him one of those giant ones. I never stood a chance. He punched me a couple of times in the face, and then started choking me out with a Secret of Evermore lanyard he was wearing. I played dead and he took off into the unknown. 

I got up and did my best to go after him as he escaped into the cold night. I tried calling after him, but when I think back on it, I’m pretty sure I was yelling out the name “Shawn.” The company car was out of gas, so I couldn’t chase him. Oh well, what was I gonna do if I did? It’s not like I could send him back. The 32X is a one way ticket, I’m afraid. I think Scott sort of figured that out by the end, and that’s part of why he took off. Pretty perceptive guy. That’s probably why he was made manager of FuncoLand. 

Oh yeah, so how does this work? Did anyone reading this used to work at FuncoLand in 1996 and one day their manager Scott stopped showing up? I might know why. Let me know in the comments. 

I wonder what Scotty’s up to out there. Maybe looking up his old friends. Maybe being shocked about the price of retro games these days. Oh shit! I should’ve asked him something about retro games. Damn. Looks like I blew another interview.  

And finally, Scott, if you’re reading this, there’s something I gotta tell you:

Don’t go lookin’ for the City of Angels website. It ain’t there no more.

(Editor’s Note: Red Bull has insisted that they do not support or condone any of Hard Drive’s recent behavior, including interfering with the fabric of the space time continuum.)

Target’s Graphic Tee Designer Struggling to Think of a Fourth Video Game

Posted on by Garry Kerls

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Target graphic designer Evan Franklin has been working late nights, trying to come up with a fourth video game to put on a t-shirt. 

“Thinking of gamer tees is the hardest part of the job,” said Franklin from his office, surrounded by whiteboards with the names Mario, Zelda, and Sonic, all crossed off. “It’s not like they’re Disney movies, or weird niche restaurants from TV shows, where there are a million options. I mean, how many video games could there even be?” 

“I thought I had a breakthrough last week,” Franklin explained, “but it turns out Link is just boy Zelda and now we’re back to square one.”

Gamers have long complained about the slim selection of gamer-themed merchandise at the retail chain, but they have recently become more outspoken.

“You mean to tell me they can have entire racks of ‘The Office’ and Metallica tees, but we have to settle for the same N64 characters on all our t-shirts? That’s just not right,” complained lifelong gamer and Target customer Mac Marsh. “Slap an indie game or two on there. Please. We’re not asking for much here.”

In response, Target has promised to improve their selection, as soon as they are able to find at least one new video game.

“We here at Target try our hardest to represent all fandoms, and we understand the lack of video games represented in our apparel,” said Mia Dorsey, Target’s Head of Product Development. “Rest assured, we have our best minds on the case, looking for evidence of any video game released this century.”

As of press time, Target has announced a t-shirt depicting the dinosaur from the game Google Chrome presents when there is no internet connection.

Gamer Enraged to Discover Most People’s Hobbies Don’t Make Them Angry At All

Posted on by Maggie D’Isa-Hogan

PORTSMOUTH, Va. — Local gamer Devin Blander, 28, reacted with apocalyptic wrath to the revelation that those around him spend their free time engaging in activities that bring them joy, relaxation, or creative fulfillment — as opposed to the white hot rage that courses through every inch of Blander’s body while he plays video games.

“I told him his blood pressure was dangerous and he should dedicate more time to his hobbies,” explained Blander’s primary care physician, Dr. Leia Moss. “He said something about ‘hours on Bloodborne,’ but I didn’t really hear because he was also ripping the blood pressure cuff off his arm and throwing it against the concrete wall of my exam room. I’m a little shaken up. Good thing I have my watercolor painting class after work to calm me down.” 

Blander took to the platform Twitch, where he regularly streams games such as Crash Bandicoot, Dark Souls, and Cuphead, to confirm his suspicions. Blander was predictably furious when his loyal streaming audience revealed that they also have hobbies that bring them joy, not just frustration. 

Twitch user Noir_souls0 wrote, “I tap dance at the community center and feel great afterwards 🙂 Sometimes I garden too.”

Another Twitch user, DanD0222, wrote over the course of several messages: “Y do you game so much bro. All you do is complain lol. I thought u at least had a Patreon or something. Y is ur face so red?” 

Blander immediately banned DanD0222 from the chat before knocking his PC monitor to the ground and beginning to eat the broken shards in an adrenaline-induced dissociative episode. Following his release from urgent care, Blander’s girlfriend Keira Lang, 26, took action to find Blander a more fulfilling and less hazardous passtime. 

“I convinced him to try crocheting, but now everytime he drops a stitch he uses the hooks to stab more holes in my drywall. Maybe video games aren’t actually the problem,” speculated Lang, while holding Roscoe, a rescue terrier she trained herself in her free time. “I’m gonna try crushing up some beta blockers in his Mountain Dew next, but I’m worried his emotional regulation might just be too warped at this [point].” 

Lang was forced to cut her statement short when an airborne crochet hook accidentally impaled Roscoe. At press time, the beloved pet was in critical condition but stable.

As Mayor of This Town, I Accept Full Responsibility for Last Weekend’s Tragic ‘Twisted Metal’ Themed Summer Festival

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hello, everybody. After spending a few days in my vacation home and going through your tweets and letters, I’ve decided to make the following statement: 

I, Walker Randall “Joe Jr.” McKinley, as mayor of the modest coastal town of Harrisville, shoulder full responsibility for the disastrous Twisted Metal Festival that took place over the weekend. There is a lot of blame to go around, and many questions that deserve answers, but I thought this would be a good start. Needless to say, I will be fully funding all related funerals and automobile repairs. We’ll figure out the paperwork later. 

Basically, it all just got away from us at some point. 

When I dressed like Calypso and declared the Twisted Metal Festival’s official start, I really thought I had captured the town’s excitement and energy in a way I’d failed to in my previous two terms. When my Father Joe McKinley was the mayor, this was never a concern of his, and despite adapting the moniker ‘Joe, Jr.’ early in my political career, I remain dedicated to doing the things my father was unable to achieve in office, like giving back to the community and not sexually harassing a majority of the female staffers I come into contact with during my career. 

Nevertheless, the positive vibes from the opening ceremony didn’t last long, as I’m sure most of you know. There’s this fella, Axel, that’s in those Twisted Metal games. He’s a tough sumbitch that’s hooked up to a couple of big old wheels and he just rolls around like that. We thought it’d be fun to grab old Bill Parker and tie him up to some of his tractor tires and have him roll out and tell everyone to have a great Twisted Metal weekend. 

Look how much fun he’s having!

As a lot of you now probably know, somewhere along the way they did a bad job rigging Bill up, and no sooner did he come riding out in front of most of the town’s population then both of his arms ripped right from his body and kept spinning around, because they were attached to the tires. The medical team had a heck of a time getting his legs untied from the vehicle, both due to the spraying blood and the ramshackle nature of the zip ties used, and sadly, as you probably know, we lost Bill that day. Many of you are aware, but in case you’re not, there will be a candlelight vigil later tonight behind the A1 Party Store, next to the tree Bill used to get drunk and fool around with. 

We’re gonna miss you like hell, Bill. I’m really, really sorry I convinced you to portray Axel from the Twisted Metal games for the opening of our town’s festival. I’ll always remember the last thing he said to me:

“Walker, I’ll die if you put me in this thing.” 

Hindsight. It really is 20/20, huh?

There’s no way around it, that was a rough start to the Twisted Metal Weekend. I know it’s easy to look back now and say we should have canceled the event entirely after the kickoff event featured a man being Mortal Kombat fatalitied by a machine just before the middle school jazz band came out and played some selections from the PS1 classic (they did great by the way!), but in the heat of the moment, we just didn’t want to sort out refunds on top of all the stuff with the coroner and morgue, now that we had a death. It felt like the easiest thing to just let everything go on as planned than uproot an entire event over just one little death. Ask Vince McMahon. 

I realize now, however, that Bill’s horrific demise was merely a subtle hint that maybe the rest of the weekend wouldn’t go off as seamlessly as I’d planned. I should’ve paid attention to the clues!

As difficult an event as that was to endure (in a Calypso costume, by the way), I still wish it had been the extent of the weekend’s unfortunate encounters. 

I realize now that having real ice cream trucks as well as Sweet Tooth cosplayers wandering the festival was a huge mistake. Whatever those kids need, I’ll take care of it. Probably some therapy, and I know I have more than one clown’s medical bills to take care of. What a disaster that all turned into. And the kid’s portion was supposed to be the easy stuff! 100 percent on me, that one. 

You know another thing we got wrong? The designated ‘Twisted Metal zones’ were just way too close to the parking lots. A lot of people got their vehicles really damaged, and I feel downright awful about that. It’s not necessarily as bad as Bill Parker getting disarmed while his parents watched, but it is still a relevant concern, as most of the vehicles were left in a state of disrepair and general inability to operate. As I’ve said numerous times, get your cars towed and fixed and we’ll sort it out later. In the meantime, call my office if you need a ride somewhere in town, and we’ll do our best to send somebody. 

Now, while it’s true that we did think to cancel the rooftop ramp jumping contest planned for Sunday night, what I’m ready to reveal publicly for the first time today is that it was only after we fatally lost several test drivers. Several. After the first one, our head stunt coordinator said that maybe he just panicked, so we sent a few more drivers. They all just died. Did you hear all those booms in the middle of the night? Those were all stuntmen dying, just trying to test the roof jumps. So that’s another whole mess. 

On the bright side, however, we would like to congratulate little Christie Buford on winning the Napalm contest. We hope you enjoy your summer at Raytheon’s new Space & Torture Camp!  

In closing, we appreciate everyone’s patience as we sort this mess out, I just wanted to say that one more time. I promise to do everything in my power to help anyone that’s been hurt by Twisted Metal Weekend, and I assure you all that I have learned some valuable lessons.

Also, keep an eye out for a new series of safety regulations we’re going to be implementing to make sure that our ‘Rocket League Nights’ event in the fall goes off without a hitch. We’ll see you there!

Excessively Meta Video Game Seems to Know That it Sucks

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — A new video game with numerous meta references sure seems to be aware that it’s ultimately a pretty crappy game, sources have confirmed. 

“That’s clever, I guess,” said local gamer Jonah Lott, shortly after playing a demo of Sucking It Up!, a new 3-D platformer that stars a vacuum named Sucky. “It kept breaking the fourth wall and complaining about every video game trope that we discovered. I’d suck up 100 more XP and unlock a new move like a double jump and Sucky would roll his eyes and talk shit about how generic it was, but then I just used the double jump a bunch in the next portion of the game. I don’t get it. So is it stupid or not?” 

The developers of Sucking It Up! hope their debut game makes an impact. 

“We obviously love video games, but we also wanted to poke a little fun at them,” said Michael Schneider, the game’s director. “We started writing down every trope that we could think of to satirize, and eventually what we had up on the whiteboard started to sound like a pretty fun video game, so it actually sort of worked out. You can get away with all kinds of shit if you just make your main character, in our case Sucky the Sentient Vacuum Cleaner, say something like, ‘Oh great, another boss fight. I hope this one also fights me using repeating patterns.’ Boom, now you’re doing commentary and it’s okay if it’s predictable and nobody’s having very much fun. It’s a pretty nice set-up, really.”

Some gamers, however, weren’t pleased with the satirical tone of the flawed game. 

“So I spend money on a video game to tell me the other video games I play are stupid?” asked Tonya Warren, a local gamer who was skeptical of Sucking It Up!’s entertainment value. “Sounds like a blast, fellas. Hey, if you ever find the way out of your own asshole, maybe you could just embrace the medium for what it is and find the time to enjoy something? Satire and video games are two different mediums entirely. Keep them away from each other.” 

Sucking It Up! will be released this holiday season. As of press time, developers announced plans to ironically release overpriced DLC later this year that doesn’t really add anything to the game, as part of the bit.

Every Christopher Nolan Movie Ranked by When My Mom Tapped Out Watching Them

Posted on by Camden Brazile

With the upcoming release of his latest film Oppenheimer, audiences have reason to re-examine director Christopher Nolan’s filmography to find his true masterpiece. To determine which of Nolan’s films is his magnum opus, I consulted the wisest, most introspective cinephile I know.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t available, so I showed them to my mom Lorraine Brazile instead.

This is every Christopher Nolan movie ranked by when in the movie my mom’s eyes glazed over and she tapped out. 

#10 — Tenet

(Tap-Out Point: 0 Minutes)

Nope. Not even going to bother. I just put on A League of Their Own instead. 

#9 — Inception

(Tap-Out Point: 20 Minutes)

While my mom does think Leonardo DiCaprio is “A Cutie Pie,” that’s not enough to handle Nolan’s dense dream heist movie. Even though it’s a movie that is 90% explaining, my mom understandably has questions. What’s Marion Cotillard’s deal? What’s with the top? My mom calls it quits after the first set piece when they explain that you can steal something in people’s mind but also you can put something into it instead except it can’t be done except it can.

#8 — Memento
(Tap-Out Point: 30 Minutes)

Believe it or not, a neo-noir with two temporalities, multiple false identities, an unreliable narrator, and memory loss told in completely reverse order except for some parts only lasts thirty minutes before my mom reaches for Candy Crush

#7 — Interstellar
(Tap-Out Point: 35 Minutes)

Even previous People’s Sexiest Man Alive Matthew McConaughey can’t save my mom from tapping out when they start explaining time dilation and wormholes. Even if she made it past all that, McConaughey floating and flying around a bookcase that is both in space and in the past would’ve just made her upset. 

#6 — The Dark Knight Rises
(Tap-Out Point: 1 Hour)

While the plot isn’t overly complicated and there’s nothing confusing or difficult, my mom turns this movie off for a general disinterest in Anne Hathaway

#5 — Batman Begins
(Tap-Out Point: 65 Minutes)

My mom taps out one hour into this movie after asking me six times when the Joker is going to show up

#4 — The Prestige
(Tap-Out Point: 80 Minutes)

While my mom likes Hugh Jackman, there’s both a part in the grounded period piece where suddenly David Bowie shows up and makes a cloning machine. That said, my mom taps out during the lengthy sequence where Hugh Jackman hatches an elaborate plan to steal Christian Bale’s encrypted diary while Christian Bale hatches an elaborate plot to steal Hugh Jackman’s encrypted diary and both read each other’s diaries only to find out they both wanted the other person to steal their diary and filled it with lies and red herrings for no reason. 

#3 — The Dark Knight
(Tap-Out Point: 2 Hours)

I have a vivid memory of both of my parents seeing this movie on a date and genuinely enjoying it, although on rewatches my mom taps out from sheer length and exhaustion when the two ferry bombs are introduced to watch 90 Day Fiancé instead. 

#2 — Following
(NO TAP OUT)

My mom makes it through this one. It’s a solid calling-card movie that shows Nolan knows where to put the camera. Perhaps the best endorsement of this simple, short test film is that my mom never once reached for Candy Crush during its 70 minute runtime. 

#1 — Insomnia

(NO TAP OUT. STARTED WATCHING IT AGAIN BUT FELL ASLEEP AFTER 15 MINUTES)

My mom felt like Robin Williams only has like four funny jokes in this movie, but she sympathizes with Al Pacino’s character as someone who also struggles with insomnia whenever my dad snores really loud.  

Marvel Snap Best Move Decks Guide: Best Move Cards

Posted on by Aun Haider

Looking for the best move decks in Marvel Snap? The Move archetype is one of the most popular in Marvel Snap. Making your cards jump from location to location never gets old, and a slew of new cards has been introduced to help us do exactly that. 

Move decks aim to increase the power of their key cards by moving them to a different location, or by redistributing power to a different location to outwit the opponent. This makes these decks very fun to play, but tricky to build and pilot correctly. Here are our picks for the best Move decks in Marvel Snap.

Marvel Snap Decks: Move Away

A very traditional move deck, this deck aims to take the best move cards and make full use  of them. Human Torch , Vulture and Dagger are all cards that want to be moved around, and gain power when they do. These are our key cards that generate power via our move effects. 

Cloak, Ghost-Spider, Iron Fist, and Doctor Strange are vital to trigger the effects of the above-mentioned cards, as they all move cards in unique ways.  Ghost Spider moves the last card played, while Doctor  Strange  pulls the strongest card to his location. Knowing which card  to move and where to move them is key to mastering this deck.

Wave and Aero let us control our opponent’s plays,  and manipulate which card they can play, as well as where to place their cards. Wave also allows us to play Heimdall on round five, which lets us play our most powerful card earlier. America Chavez rounds off this deck as a great high power play  if we do not draw our Heimdall, or do not have a better play to make. 

Move and Destroy Deck

One of the best Marvel Snap move decks utilizing Phoenix Force.

Thanks to the release of Phoenix Force, Move Decks are able to play in a more unique  way by incorporating destroy cards. Destroying a move card in this deck can be revived by playing Phoenix Force, and can then be moved to boost  its power. This lets us play a hybrid of the two archetypes, and include arguably the most fun Move card, Multiple Man.

Multiple Man leaves a copy of himself to his old location when he moves, letting us summon numerous clones of himself after destroying him and reviving him with Phoenix Force. This effect is even more potent in combination with Heimdall, letting us move the revived Multiple Man yet again on the last turn of the game.

To help support this gameplan, Carnage and Venom are key inclusions to ensure that we can reliably destroy a move card. Human Torch and Dagger are other great cards to destroy so that they can be moved later. In case we do not draw our destroy cards, we can play a more traditional Move deck and move cards like Vulture around use Iron Fist and Ghost Spider to buff their power, moving them to Kraven’s location to increase his power as well. Hulk Buster lets us increase the power of Human Torch and Multiple Man without taking up space, which is especially important when we move Multiple Man more than once. Heimdall and America Chavez act as round six plays to close out the game.

These are our pick for some of the best Move Decks to play in Marvel Snap. The archetype has been provided more depth thanks to the introduction of Phoenix Force and other move cards. Feel free to experiment and see what other Move decks you can create to dominate, especially when using some of the best series 3 cards.

Pokemon GO Qwilfish Guide: How To Evolve Qwilfish Into Overqwil

Posted on by Christian Dawson

Looking to evolve Qwilfish in Pokemon GO? It’s not truly a collection of Pokemon until a trainer has added an angry pufferfish tadpole to their roster. Pokemon GO introduced the Johto native in 2017. Since then, with Pokemon Legends: Arceus, the Pokemon got a new form and a new evolution to go along with it. Here’s how to evolve Qwilfish into Overqwil in Pokemon GO!

How To Get Overqwil In Pokemon GO

How to evolve Qwilfish into Overqwil in Pokemon GO.

Overqwil evolves from the Hisuian version of Qwilfish. Qwilfish typically appears in 7 KM eggs and tier-one raids. While uncommon, it can also spawn in the wild. Once the Pokemon has been acquired, trainers need to make the Pokemon their buddy and win 10 raids. From there, it requires 50 candies to evolve in Pokemon GO.

Pokemon GO Overqwil Stats, Moves, and Bonuses

Overqwil is a dark/poison type. While the fast attacks are limited to the poison type, there are five different potential elemental types including water, dark, ice, ghost, and poison. This gives Overqwil some decent versatility and allows it to fill a variety of gaps in a team composition.

Base Stats

  • Attack: 222
  • Defense: 171
  • Stamina: 198

Possible Moves

  • Fast Attacks:
    • Poison Jab – Poison – 10 Power
    • Poison Sting – Poison – 5 Power
  • Charged Attacks:
    • Aqua Tail – Water – 50 Power
    • Dark Pulse – Dark – 80 Power
    • Ice Beam – Ice – 90 Power
    • Shadow Ball – Ghost – 100 Power
    • Sludge Bomb – Poison – 80 Power

Elemental Bonuses

  • Resistant To:
    • Dark
    • Ghost
    • Grass
    • Poison
    • Psychic
  • Weak To:
    • Ground

That’s all you need to know to evolve Qwilfish into Overqwil in Pokemon GO! Qwilfish and the evolution Overqwil are great additions to any Pokemon GO roster. However, they gain bonus points if they fit into your punk, goth, or emo aesthetics. For a Pokemon with some different vibes, here’s how to get Sylveon in Pokemon GO .

Why I Stopped Cleaning My Home the Traditional Way and Started Rolling Up All My Shit Katamari-Style

Posted on by Elanna White

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I’m a clean freak. But since my boyfriend and I both started working from home, things have been getting a bit…out of hand. That plus two cats, I feel like I’m cleaning constantly. I’ve tried everything and nothing sticks. That’s why recently, I’ve ditched traditional cleaning methods and just started rolling up all my shit katamari-style. 

It all started when a friend of mine recommended a revolutionary Japanese tidying method that she loves. She explained that the whole purpose behind it is how cleaning should spark joy. It sounded like something I needed to try so I googled it when I got home and watched a few videos. What I saw did spark joy. I called her the next day to express my gratitude. She seemed a little confused and mentioned that I may have misheard her but she has a tendency to be humble, so I wouldn’t hear any more of it. I was so elated that it didn’t even matter. I finally found the cleaning technique for me. It was time to begin rolling up all my shit.

I immediately got to work: I rolled up all the shoes by the front door, I rolled up the dust bunnies under the furniture, and I rolled up a bunch of my weed into a joint and smoked it.

Now, the katamari method does have somewhat of a learning curve, but isn’t there with everything? Yes, occasionally during my after dinner rolls, some of the plates break. And sure, there was that one time I heard a faint meowing from inside my trash ball and had to dig my cat out. However, the feeling of true efficiency makes all the hiccups worth it.

If I had some advice for those who were thinking about bringing the joy of cleaning the katamari way into their lives, I’d mention that it is an unconventional way of tidying. I can’t count how many times I’ve run into a judgmental neighbor in the hall as I tried to ram a gigantic bundle of dirty clothes through the laundry room doorway. People at first may not understand. But once you get over those hurdles, you’ll start feeling like you’re on a roll. Just, again, make sure your cats are OK.

Activision Announces New Call of Duty So Realistic Your Grandpa Will Recognize His Buddies in There

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision shocked video game fans all over the world today by not only announcing the new Call of Duty game, but also confirming that advances in technology will make the game so photorealistic your grandfather will recognize old buddies of his in there, sources have confirmed. 

Call of Duty fans largely reacted to the announcement enthusiastically. 

“Wow, Grandpa is going to love that,” said Camden Barker, a local fan of the Call of Duty franchise. “He’s always going on about how it’s unfair that so many of his teenage friends didn’t come back from World War II and that he’d do anything to get to see them again. Well grab a controller, because I have some great news for you! Oh man, he’s going to love this. Sounds like I have a couple months to show Grandpa Stu how to work a PlayStation and then we’re squadding up, baby!.”

Despite his grandson’s optimism, others weren’t so sure the game would be well received by the older generation. 

“My husband still reads a newspaper and doesn’t trust anything that’s wireless,” said Doris Barker, Stu’s husband of 48 years. “So to think he’s going to be excited because he can watch his old squadron get gunned down again in 4K is just ridiculous. Stu just wants to go fish and maybe get a call from his grandkids once in a while. Not spend his evenings reliving his greatest trauma and being texted links to Twitch streams where people dissect the latest strategies in the video game. He doesn’t know how any of that stuff works!’ 

Executives at Activision said this level of realism was a goal they’d long strived for. 

“We aim to innovate and improve with every version of Call of Duty we release,” said Bert Madsen, director of the upcoming game. “And that encompasses everything from ray tracing to netcode to accurately rendering privates that didn’t even make it out of the U-Boats on Normandy. Granted, recreating dead draftees that didn’t make it a week over there wasn’t high on our list, but we make one of these things every year. We gotta do something innovative, and that’s what we’re going with this year.” 

The new Call of Duty game is expected to release this Fall. As of press time, Grandpa Stu said he’d really just like to forget about the war, please.

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