Guy Who Takes 4,000 Photos of His Cat a Year Doesn’t Understand Appeal of Pokémon Snap

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jared Kalashnik reportedly told friends today that he just cannot understand the appeal of Pokémon Snap, despite taking over 4,000 photos of his cat Mineau each year.

“I don’t get it at all. You just walk around taking pictures of Pokémon? Why would anyone want to do that?” Kalashnik asked, pausing to take 17 pictures of his cat because she rolled onto her back while sleeping. “I mean, what do you even do with the photos? It’s not like some sort of professional photography sim or anything. You just end up with a ton of useless pictures of Pokémon, to show to your friends or something. Who cares? I bet they even have some dumb feature that lets you post the pics to social media… no one wants to see your Pokémon pics!” 

Kalashnik’s friend Tami Sinclair has reportedly been looking forward to playing the game when it releases in April, much to Kalashnik’s chagrin. 

“I sent him the new trailer for Pokémon Snap and he sent me a screenshot of him googling ‘pictures of Pikachu.’ I have never in my life sent him a screenshot of me googling ‘shorthair domestic’ after he sent me a picture of his cat standing next to a toy at 4 in the morning,” Sinclair explained. “Just the other day, he told me the mechanic where you throw apples next to Pokémon is stupid. Then he added 250 photos of Mineau standing next to a little stuffed toy on a string, desperately trying to get her to jump.”

As of press time, Kalashnik was making fun of the latest feature introduced to Pokémon Snap, which lets the player sing little improvised rhyming songs to the Pokémon they encounter.

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Trail of Diet Cokes Set Up to Ensure Smooth Transition of Power

Posted on by Jake Menez

WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump has peacefully vacated the White House after following a trail of Diet Coke bottles that appeared overnight, multiple anonymous White House sources have confirmed.

“It was the damnedest thing,” said a member of the Secret Service who wished not to disclose their identity. “I was on my way to the West Wing this morning with the President’s strawberry Pop-Tart, we hide his cholesterol pills in there like a dog with cheese, when I saw this trail of bottles leading out of the Oval Office and down the White House steps. Each bottles was spaced maybe three feet from the next one and as I approached, I saw they were sodas. Strange, sure, but the President’s love of Diet Coke isn’t a big secret. Just then, I heard one open and, rounding the corner, I saw President Trump gulping down the contents in a matter of seconds before moving on to the next one.”

Onlookers were reportedly shocked as they watched Trump drink bottle after bottle of soda, finishing each with a belch and loud “ahhh” sound before repeating the process. By noon, the President had made his way out of the White House, through the Rose Garden, and was well on his way downtown, having left 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue behind completely.

“I can’t believe this actually worked,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was overheard telling Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer as the two enjoyed a cigarette break behind the Capitol building. “This is so much easier than impeachment proceedings would’ve been. Even if we had the votes, I don’t think we could have done it nearly as quickly as the bottles.” 

Pelosi then went on to describe to Schumer how Democrats in the House of Representatives had worked together to coordinate a trip to Costco in order to buy the massive quantity of sodas needed and their joint effort in laying out the miles long trail to ensure President Trump’s refusal to leave office would not be an obstacle for incoming President Joe Biden. President-elect Biden declined to comment on any involvement in the scheme but did offer a coy wink when approached by reporters. 

At press time, President Trump was seen nearing the end of the soda trail, not seeming to notice that he had entered a jail cell with the door ajar as authorities quietly closed it behind him.

CD Projekt Red Relieved to Have Only Second-Worst Rollout of the Past Year

Posted on by Andy Holt

WARSAW — Executives at CD Projekt Red breathed a sigh of relief as the disastrous launch of Cyberpunk 2077 dropped to the second-worst rollout of the past year, behind the distribution of COVID-19 vaccines across America and the world.

“We really had the fire under our ass for a minute there, but it’s finally starting to feel like the worst is behind us,” said a high-ranking source at the company, after reading about life-saving vaccines spoiling in refrigerators. “Our prayers have been answered.”

With Cyberpunk 2077 running badly on last-gen consoles, and the next-gen version still in development, CDPR employees were glued to recent press conferences with Andrew Cuomo, Governor of New York. It was cause for celebration.

“I was worried I was about to get fired, but if that guy can threaten healthcare workers on live TV and keep his job, there’s hope for all of us,” said a member of the media relations team at CDPR. “That dude got an Emmy for yelling at reporters while people were dying. So we’re thinking: Game Awards, here we come.”

Despite the press coverage, financial experts downplayed the impact of either rollout for the companies involved.

“Were people disappointed in the video game? Yes. Were people left jobless, unable to afford healthcare, and cut off from their friends and family while hundreds of thousands died alone during a pandemic, with no help on the way? Of course,” said an analyst at JP Morgan. “But hey, CDPR is gonna make a killing. Pfizer is doing great. Stock market is up.”

“Fuck you,” the analyst added. “I’m rich.”

At press time, CD Projekt Red was planning an office party for Inauguration Day, which would for sure keep them out of the news for another week or two.

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Nation Sets Aside Differences to Agree on Timothy Olyphant

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — A nation on the brink of collapse took a few moments today to universally agree that Timothy Olyphant is a charismatic actor. 

“Oh yeah, that guy just makes everything he is in better,” said Nate Sawyer, taking a brief timeout from arguing with his nephew about the recent violent insurrection in Washington D.C.  “Deadwood, Justified, The Mandalorian, dude just steals everything he’s in, whether he’s the lead or just doing a cameo. I’m not sure why I’m thinking about it all the sudden, but damn, I haven’t felt this calm in a month. Olyphant rules.”

The topic of conversation unexpectedly came up from coast to coast, reaching all the way to the highest ranks of the American government. 

“While we debate what must be done following the abhorrent and disgraceful acts of January 6th, let us all take a minute to reflect on Timothy Olyphant’s filmography, and how fun it is when he shows up in something,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer addressing the senate earlier today. “How cool would it be if he shows up more in that Boba Fett show?” 

No one is quite sure what caused the worldwide reflective moment, but the implications are already being dissected by professors and scientists all over the nation. 

“What we have learned today is that no matter what side of the political spectrum you fall on, pretty much everyone can agree that Timothy Olyphant seems like a chill dude you could probably hang with and never get tired of,” said sociologist Danielle Bullock. “We’re not all the way sure if this has any further use or anything, but we’re going to try to contact him to see if he will make some kind of plea to the American people about maintaining a cool, cool head.” 

As of press time Olyphant had not answered the call from the scientific community, which they said they totally get.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

I will tell you all a secret about one of the struggles I face when writing these columns up: whenever someone’s comment is really funny, I have trouble coming up with a joke to go along with it. So for my sake, if you get a great idea for a comment on one of our articles, consider just making it a good comment instead.  I ask this even though I know you won’t, for you all are true professionals to the end. Let’s see what you all brought to the table this week!

Adopting D&D podcasts only puts a band-aid on a much larger issue. We need to teach podcast abstinence in high schools, so that kids will only record  and play back conversations with their spouses like God intended.

Also, hey wait a minute, where have I seen this joke before?!

Normally, I agree with holding those in power accountable, but anyone who buys a product with the word ‘Oops!’ on it is an enabler. Money talks, and when you buy Oops! All Berries, you’re saying that the Captain can do whatever the fuck he wants. Would you buy a product called “Oops! All Pulp”? Have some self respect for Christ’s sake.

If you aren’t hustling, you are in the back of the human centipede for a reason. I don’t care how tired or malnourished you are. Read a book every day, invest in stocks, get a side gig as the insane doctor’s lab assistant. The back of the human centipede is not a place, but a state of mind. 

Keep in mind, by the way, some of those tasks might be difficult to do because your face is sewn to someone’s asshole. But hey, not with that attitude!

We are going to find out Force ghosts are real when Harrison Ford comes back from the grave to choke an animator to death. The only thing that will calm his spirit is the sacrifice of George Lucas, which he has already unknowingly agreed to when he signed Star Wars off to Disney.

Jay was pretty quick to deny he was Kumail Ninjiani, what is he hiding? Someone go check his delts, we’re getting to the bottom of this.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Sony Schedules PS5 Drop for Precise Moment Local Man Looks Away From Screen

Posted on by Just Lunning

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Aspiring PS5 owner John Blatzby has reportedly found some consistency in Sony’s seemingly random PS5 drops, claiming the company always schedules a drop for the precise moment he looks away from the screen.

“If I leave my computer to use the bathroom or grab some UTZ pretzels, there are hundreds of PS5 victory tweets on my Twitter timeline when I return,” said Blatzby, who has been attempting to secure the PS5 since September 2020. “Why couldn’t I be in that number?”

After spending entire days with his credit card in hand at his computer, hoping to make a purchase, Blatzby was positive that Sony was specifically avoiding him.

“I should have a console by now. I’ve followed all the accounts — Wario64, PS5 Drop, Spiel Times — and stayed attentive. Either I’ve been cursed by a witch or Sony drops PS5s at the exact moment that I look away from my screen.” 

After months of silence, Sony issued a public comment on Blatzby’s situation. 

“It overjoys us that so many people want the PS5,” said a Sony representative. “Despite the demand, we like to deny the console to a few specific people, just to keep the hype train moving. This time we chose John Blatzby. By no means can John Blatzby get a PS5.” 

After the statement, Blatzby’s friends began to request that he look away briefly every day, to give them a chance to buy their own PS5. Sony has confirmed that the friends are allowed to get one, but cannot share it with Blatzby.

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No One at Mario’s High School Reunion Sure What He’s Talking About

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

GREAT NECK, N.Y. — Plumber, adventurer, and class of 1985 graduate Mario Mario reportedly confused the majority of his graduating class as he told old acquaintances what he’d been up to in the last several decades, sources have confirmed.

“Man, I was so happy to see Mario Mario,” said Todd Huffman, a classmate of Mario’s who used to help him with his auto shop projects. “I told him about my wife and kid and muffler business, and he started talking about princesses, space travel, and tennis? He was always an eccentric guy, but I thought maybe he’d grown up and got normal. But no, it’s worse now. Also, I think he’s shorter than when he got here. Is that possible?”

Mr. Mario claims that the friction between him and his classmates is merely the latest example of the type of bullying and torment that inspired him to leave his hometown for the Mushroom Kingdom after graduation.

“It’s always-a been like this,” he said. “In-a high school, I tried to join the baseball team and show them my fireball pitch. Before I could, they took-a me, Mario, into the men’s room and stuffed me into a toilet. I have saved the princess and her kingdom countless times, but these-a jerks still think I’m the little weird guy who makes shit up and had a full mustache in the sixth grade. It’s-a no good.”

After repeatedly being told he was clearly lying or exaggerating during several different attempted anecdotes, Mr. Mario left the reunion early. Despite the overwhelming consensus, one former classmate reportedly gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

“People say he’s bullshitting, but I don’t know,” said Glenn Hobbes, Great Neck North High School class of 1985. “Remember that time we stuffed him down into the toilet and he somehow came out at the middle school? What the fuck was that?!”

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Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Fellow citizens, let me ask you a question: how many bananas do you have in your possession right now? Do you feel that you have enough to prepare you for an unexpekted emergency? Like so many of you, I struggle to survive on my own meager allowance. Meanwhile, the Kong family elite have millions of bananas lying around in a kave beneath their house. How is this fair? Why is it that some of us are labeled “villains” just bekause we want to redistribute these precious banana kommodities? Even if it is seen by some as treasonous, is my firm belief that it is time to rise up and redistribute the banana wealth in this Donkey Kong Country.

The infrastrukture of the DKC is in shambles. How many of our blue kollar workers have to deal with broken mine kart tracks, undependable lights, and burning oil drums on a daily basis? It’s disgraceful to see the working klass struggle while the elite lord over us in their sky-high treehouses, lounging in tire swings and doing one-handed pushups. 

The Kong plutokrats don’t even invest their wealth back into the kommunity. Have you ever seen one of the Kong family pay for an airline ticket, or a speedboat rental, or for the privilege of saving their game? Their unchecked privilege allows them to access these luxuries at no kost while the rest of us struggle to find a single red balloon to help us survive another month. 

Komrades, the time has kome to seize what is rightfully ours. This krumbling banana republik kan stand no more. It’s time to spread our wealth around and use it for projekts that benefit the entire kommunity, like a giant island in the shape of my head that has a laser inside kalled the “Blast-O-Matic.” And even though it will be shaped like my head, it belongs to all of us. And we shall use it to krush these Kong kapitalists once and for all.

Inconsiderate Friend Doesn’t Spoiler Tag That Princess Peach Isn’t Actually in Castle

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

SPOKANE, Wash. — Discord user Michael McNeil drew the ire of a Mario fan server after failing to use spoiler tags when revealing that Princess Peach isn’t actually in the castle at the end of World 1 in the original Super Mario Bros.

“We were just casually talking about Mario and I made an offhand joke about the princess being in another castle,” says McNeil. “The whole server went ballistic. Everyone scolded me for dropping a wild spoiler about ‘one of gaming’s most iconic twists.’ I never really considered that a spoiler, but I suppose it’s slim pickings when it comes to Mario games.”

“Rule number one clearly states that users must spoiler tag all pertinent plot details in the Mario series or face permanent ejection from the Mushroom Kingdom,” said one angry reply to the spoiler, referring McNeil to the pinned post in the server’s #rules channel. “Not to mention you’ve also violated the second rule, which just says ‘have fun.’” 

“We have these rules for a reason,” says group admin GoombaNation. “One minute, we’re letting people spoil that Peach isn’t in the first castle. Next thing you know, someone’s freely revealing that she’s not in castle two either. Where does it stop? Castle three? Four? You have to draw the line somewhere or else the whole game will be ruined for everybody.”

“I hate that I can’t look at the server without risking spoilers,” said longtime community member MarioMia who says they have muted the server until things calm down. “I mean, I guess there really isn’t too much I can actually discuss in a Discord about Mario until I actually play the games. But still, it’s just inconsiderate.”

Worried that McNeil has opened the floodgates for similar discussion, the group’s admins reportedly opened up a #spoiler channel on the server. At press time, the channel was filled with fully blacked-out posts discussing how Super Mario Bros. 2 is actually a reskin of Doki Doki Panic and Yoshi is a character in Super Mario World.

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