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Latest Nintendo Terms of Service Agreement Entitles Them to Sue Your Family Long After Your Death

REDMOND, Wash. — Gamers have noticed language in the latest Nintendo terms of service agreement which apparently grants the gaming giant the right to sue your immediate family for any copyright infringements well after you are dead and gone, sources have confirmed. 

“It’s pretty wild when you get into it,” said Wesley Baker, a gamer who first discovered the troubling language in the agreement and shared his findings online. “I mean, I’m not sure how other companies handle this sort of thing, but ‘Nintendo has the right to harass, pester, and straight up sue anyone you, the user, are related to or associated with. This will be done at the exclusive cost of the most poverty-stricken of you, the user’s immediate family. It doesn’t matter one bit to us whether you are dead or not.’ I mean, damn, man. Seems like a lot. I still clicked ‘I Agree,’ but damn.” 

Nintendo defended the oddly specific terms of their latest user agreement. 

“We here at Nintendo know our decisions aren’t always popular, but we do what we must to maintain our brand’s integrity,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, of his company’s controversial policy. “If that means suing your grown grandchildren that you never even got the chance to meet into the ground because you made an edit to the dialogue of A Link to the Past and shared it with your friends, well then, I’m afraid that’s the cost of being a wholesome game company.” 

“That is owned in part by Saudi Arabia,” he added. “Oh, I’m not sure why I said that. You don’t have to print that part.” 

Legal experts say that the move itself isn’t unprecedented, but the language and tone certainly are. 

“Sadly, sometimes people die with legal affairs that still aren’t in order,” said Angela West, a contract attorney explained. “However, for Nintendo to go on and on like they do here in Section C, Article 4 here, how they reserve the right to ‘Sue into absolute oblivion anyone related to anyone you’ve ever loved if you even so much as Tweet a picture of Mario in the wrong colored outfit.’ I think that’s a bit excessive, myself. I never realized Nintendo had this mean streak in them. Aren’t they the wholesome one?”

As of press time, Nintendo had announced a lucrative lawsuit against Hard Drive and me specifically. Damn.