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Pretty Neat: This Hacked Ultrasound Machine Will Let Your Fetus Play Doom

EAST LANSING, Mich. — A group of medical students at Michigan State University have successfully modded an ultrasound machine to allow unborn fetuses to play 1993’s Doom on it, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh my god, we did it, we really did it,” said Michael Powers, a medical student that spearheaded the project. “In addition to being fascinated by technology, we’re all huge gamers, so we really wanted to take a crack at doing something cool with Doom. When we first started talking about [hacking the ultrasound machine so fetuses could play Doom] we thought it sounded a little crazy, but the more we thought about it, the more we knew we had to try it.” 

While the students viewed the successful integration of the iconic first person shooter into a working ultrasound machine as a success, some recent patients have felt differently.

“I guess I can appreciate it on some technical level, even if I don’t fully get it, but I didn’t come here to see that crap,” said Sally Baker, a recent visitor to nearby Sparrow Hospital, where the machine is currently in use. “Me and my husband wanted to get a look at the growth of the baby, and maybe even the gender, not see it play Doom! Although, my husband disagrees and says he’s really excited that his first born child was able to find the chainsaw in the Nuclear Plant level. He has kept saying he doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s a gamer, so he’s thrilled.” 

The Doom-running ultrasound machine predictably sent shockwaves through the internet earlier this week after it made its public debut. 

“Oh yeah, some guy put up a TikTok and now we’re booked three months out,” said Anita Garcia, a diagnostic medical sonographer that has been operating the machine lately. “What’s crazy is people keep coming in here that aren’t even pregnant, wanting to see how the Doom thing works. And I’m like, ‘Uh, if you don’t have a fetus in your body, you ain’t gonna play Doom on this thing. In fact, you’re not playing it at all. It’s the baby.’ Frankly you’d think that would be obvious.” 

As of press time, the group of students were trying to program a deathmatch feature into the ultrasound machine that lets fetuses play Doom, in the event of twins or triplets.