Carlos Cadorniga, Author at Hard Drive

The 20 Best Nintendo Switch Games to Abruptly Start Playing on a First Date

Posted on September 16, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Dating in 2023 is more complicated than ever. Besides making sure your schedules, lifestyles, and hyperspecific political views align, there’s also the age old question of just what the heck you’re even supposed to do on a first date. It might not be the answer to all of your dating questions, but here are 20 games you might consider playing on your Nintendo Switch during a first date to increase your chances of date number two if things start to get a little boring.

1. Golf Story

Miniature golf is a very fun and standard first date activity. Sitting in a car and taking turns playing Golf Story isn’t that different when you think about it! Just explain to your date that you already had this charming golf/RPG hybrid downloaded and you didn’t realize how expensive putt putt was.

2. Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice

This game is not only very good, but if your date is familiar with it, they will be impressed with your compassion for the mental health issues effectively portrayed in the game. If they aren’t familiar with those themes, you may have to explain the whole thing about Hellblade to them.

3. The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

I’m not sure the best way to organically have your date watch you play Zelda is, but if you can figure it out, I’m sure you can find a way to impress with the problem solving skills this wonderful adventure requires.

4. Tetris Effect

Sneak into the bathroom to play this a few times during the date to make sure you are staying sharp and alert.

5. Stardew Valley

The co-op mode is honestly as much fun as you’ll have playing games, but that’s all just a front for you paying attention to what your date looks for in a long-term partner.

6. NBA2K

Play a quick game while you guys are waiting for something, and use that as a way to casually talk about the sports you used to play in high school. People love hearing about that!

7. Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Good to see who they pick so you can see if you would even want to go on more dates with them or not.

8. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2

If you are just hanging out at home, stash the Switch somewhere and run this game with the volume turned up and voila, you have the perfect romantic soundtrack for a lovely night in, courtesy of Goldfinger and The Suicide Machines.

9. Sid Meier’s Civilization VI

“Hey you want to leave this rooftop party and go to my place and play Civ 6?” It never fails.

10. Wilmot’s Warehouse

A lot of these have been strategically chosen to display a skill or trait, and I suppose this warehouse organizing game might do that, but honestly, it would just be a fun game to pass the time if you start getting bored on the date.

11. Captain Toad’s Treasure Tracker

Always good to introduce an aphrodisiac into a date!

12. Rocket League

If you can convince your date to drive to wherever you’re going, that’s a great way to show them how good you are at this game on the way there. They ought to think that’s pretty cool.

13. Clubhouse Games: 51 Worldwide Classics

Great news! We can play Checkers during the boring parts of the movie!

14. Luigi’s Mansion 3

Honestly, a good move to do on a date is just play this game and talk about how much braver you are than Luigi.

15. Pikmin 4

This is just a way to flex that you had some cash recently. You can also just leave the case laying around if you’d rather do it that way.

16. Super Mario 3D All-Stars

“They delisted this,” you’ll say, unsure if your date heard you the first time. “You can’t buy it anymore.”

17. Super Monkey Ball Banana Mania

This is a great game to show that you’re not one of those overly serious gamers, and still have a childlike spirit to. Screaming adult language at the stupid fucking monkey for falling off the edge when it wasn’t even your fault will prove that you’re not too childish, however.

18. Telling Lies

You could lie to your date and tell them you made this really fun indie game. Would anyone ever suspect you had the audacity to lie about a thing like that? Making a game called Telling Lies? I doubt it. I really doubt it.

19. Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night

Pull this game out during a lull in conversation, and then you can tell your date how it’s a seriously underrated Metroidvania, and then you can tell your date what a Metroidvania is, and then you can tell your date what Metroid and Castlevania are, and then you can listen to your date talk about how they really should be getting home. All this conversation from one simple video game!

20. Slay the Spire

It’s just always a good idea to play Slay the Spire.

Starfield Best Ship Weapons Guide: Best Ship Weapon to Buy

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Acquired the best ship and now want to buy the best ship weapons in Starfield to arm it with? There is a dizzying selection of weapon modules to choose from, for your perfect ship build. This Starfield guide will attempt to shortlist a few of the best weapons in each major group, with which you can tailor your ship’s offensive capabilities in space combat.

Marauder 115N Railgun Turret

This Class C Ballistic weapons module does a massive 81 Hull damage per hit at a range of 800. The following vendors may stock it for purchase:

Nikau Henderson at the Deimos Staryard, on Mars’ moon Deimos in the Sol System.
Ship Services Technician in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
Ship Services Technician in the settlement of Gagarin Landing, on Gagarin in the Alpha Centauri System.
Ship Services Technician in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
Ship Services Technician in the settlement of New Homestead, on Saturn’s moon Titan in the Sol System.
Ship Services Technician aboard The Den StarStation in the orbit of Chthonia, in the Wolf System.

Hull Damage	Shield Damage	EM Damage	Fire Rate	Max Power	Range	Required Level	Credits
81	24	0	1.50	4	800	43	33K

Reza 300 PHz SX Laser (Best Starfield Ship Weapons)

The Reza 300 PHz SX Laser, one of the Starfield best ship weapons.

A Class C Laser weapons module that does the highest Shield damage in its group. These vendors offer it for sale:

Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.

Hull Damage	Shield Damage	EM Damage	Fire Rate	Max Power	Range	Required Level	Credits
19	63	0	1.50	4	800	36	17K

Tatsu 501EM Suppressor – Best Ship Weapons

This systems-killer Electromagnetic weapons module is rated Class C and does 108 damage per round, though it is one of the slowest-firing weapons systems and consumes a great deal of power as well. It can be found in the vendor catalogs of:

Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.
Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.

Hull Damage	Shield Damage	EM Damage	Fire Rate	Max Power	Range	Required Level	Credits
1	1	108	0.80	6	800	60	25K

Best Starfield Ship Weapons: Obliterator 250MeV Alpha Turret

Although you may prefer Missile systems over Particle Beams for their superior damage output and range, the advantage of an automated Class C Turret like this one, is that it will target and fire at the enemy independently, so long as you keep them within the firing arc. This Turret is sold by:

Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
Ship Services Technician in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Ship Services Technician in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.
Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
Ship Services Technician in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
Ship Services Technician aboard The Clinic StarStation in the orbit of Deepala, in the Narion System.

Hull Damage	Shield Damage	EM Damage	Fire Rate	Max Power	Range	Required Level	Credits
86	86	0	1.50	4	3250	60	35K

Atlatl 280C Missile Launcher

The very pinnacle of ship weapons systems, this Class C Missile Launcher, does a staggering 264 damage per volley to both Hulls and Shields, at a range of 4000. Widely available, there are hardly any vendors that don’t sell this module, but here are a select few:

Jasmine Durand of the Crimson Fleet aboard The Key StarStation in the orbit of Suvorov, in the Kryx System.
Nikau Henderson at the Deimos Staryard, on Mars’ moon Deimos in the Sol System.
Lon Anderssen in the Red Mile facility, on Porrima III in the Porrima System.
Inaya Rehman in the HopeTech building, in the settlement of HopeTown, on Polvo in the Valo System.
Havershaw aboard the Stroud-Eklund Staryard in the orbit of Deepala’s moon Dalvik, in the Narion System.
Veronica Young in the Taiyo Astroneering Store inside Ryujin Tower, in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.

Hull Damage	Shield Damage	EM Damage	Fire Rate	Max Power	Range	Required Level	Credits
264	264	0	1.00	4	4000	43	48K

Those are the best-in-class ship weapons to be had in Starfield. Check out our guides on moving faster while on foot with a secret boost jumping method, and arm yourself with the best Sniper Rifles in the game.

Starfield Best Sniper Rifle Guide: What Are the Best Snipers?

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Looking for the best Sniper Rifle in Starfield for those long range kills? With an arsenal of weapons and weapon modifiers to choose from, spread across dozens of vendors, you might like to know which Sniper Rifle is the best in class before parting with your hard-earned Credits. This Starfield guide will detail the statistically best Sniper Rifle, as well as a bonus suppressed recommendation if you are running a full stealth build.

Best Sniper Rifle in Starfield: MagSniper

The MagSniper is a blocky looking Rifle that uses 6.5mm MI ammunition in a 12-round magazine. The damage output from the stock model easily outpaces the next nearest Sniper Rifle, while matching its maximum range of 100 meters. You can purchase it for roughly 30K Credits at three locations:

Centaurian Arsenal in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
Neon Tactical in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Rowland Arms in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.

Base Damage	Ammo	Mag	Fire Rate	Range	Accuracy	Mod Slots	Item ID
304 Phys	6.5mm MI	12	17	100	86.1%	6	2EB45

The following mods can be applied to the MagSniper, with recommendations marked with an asterisk (*):

Armor-Piercing Rounds
Compensator
Depleted Uranium Rounds
Hair Trigger
High Powered *
High Velocity
Large Magazine
Long Barrel *
Long Scope *
Magnetic Rails
Medium Scope
Muzzle Brake *
Penetrator Rounds *
Recon Laser Sight *
Recon Scope
Shock Charge Band
Stabilizing Barrel
Standard Barrel
Standard Magazine
Tactical Magazine

While the MagSniper is an excellent one-shot kill at any range, it cannot have a Suppressor mod, thus denying you the sneak bonus for using suppressed weapons. This can prove to be a problem for a character that is a stealth build. That’s where the second best Sniper Rifle can prove handy.

Hard Target

This Sniper Rifle in Starfield is the next best thing to the MagSniper, with a higher fire rate of 25, a far more widespread availability, and a .50 Caliber ammunition type. While the base model only does 50% of the MagSniper’s damage, it can do so stealthily with a Suppressor mounted. The Hard Target can be bought for about 20K Credits from the following vendors:

UC Exchange in the city of Cydonia, on Mars in the Sol System.
Centaurian Arsenal in the city of New Atlantis, on Jemison in the Alpha Centauri System.
Neon Tactical in the city of Neon, on Volii Alpha in the Volii System.
Rowland Arms in Akila City, on Akila in the Cheyenne System.

Base Damage	Ammo	Mag	Fire Rate	Range	Accuracy	Mod Slots	Item ID
158 Phys	.50 Caliber	5	25	100	74.2%	7	546CC

The following mods can be applied to the Hard Target, with our recommendations marked with an asterisk (*):

Armor-Piercing Rounds
Bull Barrel *
Compensator
Fluted Barrel
High Powered *
High Velocity
Large Magazine *
Laser Sight *
Long Barrel
Long Scope *
Medium Scope
Muzzle Brake
Penetrator Rounds
Recon Laser Sight
Recon Scope
Reflex Sight
Stabilizing Barrel
Standard Barrel
Standard Magazine
Suppressor *
Tactical Grip *
Tactical Magazine
Whitehot Rounds

And those are the two best Sniper Rifles to be had in Starfield. Try equipping one of the best Companions with a fully kitted Sniper Rifle for support. Also check out how to Boost Jump to move faster while on the ground.

Gamer Girl Speedruns Bad Date

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Alec Walker

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local gamer Alyssa Ward set a world record Saturday night when she completed her date with local bachelor Darren Dinkle with an astonishing time of 8:13, sources have confirmed.

“He was an awkward mess when he asked me out, so I knew this would be a good opportunity to break the record,” said Ward, following the record breaking run. “I went for the coffee shop route since that’s optimal for speedruns, and honestly, chugging six shots of espresso right off the bat didn’t hurt either. At the casual conversation split I was 46 seconds ahead of my PB, but got distracted by his body odor, so I lost a fair bit of ground during the biscotti split. I was dry heaving while choking down the driest dessert that exists as he proudly exclaimed he had ‘outlived even the doctor’s most generous predictions.’ Good grief.”

When asked how the date went, Dinkle seemed unclear.

“I didn’t really know what I was watching, but I was impressed,” he said, reflecting on the rapidly paced date. “I fell for her when she suggested we both talk simultaneously to save time. Like, how did she even figure out you can do shit like that? I think she really liked it when I repeatedly called her ‘m’lady’ and explained why I believe in, but do not practice, semen retention because she rushed for the check faster than anything I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously. She whipped her credit card across the place to the waiter like a damn ninja star. Do any of you guys know where she went, though?”

When asked what’s next for her, Ward revealed she’s set her sights on the record for world’s quickest broken engagement.

Aww, Cute Mini Trailer Plays Ahead of Big Trailer

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Julien Perez

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Mitchell Ortiz, 20, was recently delighted to find an adorable little baby trailer for SAW X playing ahead of the full length trailer for SAW X, sources have confirmed.

“It was so cute! I just wanted to pinch its little cheeks,” said Ortiz, speaking in a high-pitch voice. “If it was up to me, all movie trailers would be teeny-weeny like this.”

The bite sized trailer in question flashes key moments from the movie with the intended purpose of giving the audience key information about the film even in the event that they exit the page immediately.

“I mean, it’s adorable but in the way your younger brother thinks he’s playing video games next to you when in reality you’ve unplugged his controller,” said Ortiz before replaying the first five seconds of the SAW X trailer once again. “Aww! Look at the little one go. It really thinks it’s just like the big one.”

Ralph Smith, a lead editor at Trailer Park Editing, confirmed that pint-sized movie trailers are the future.

“Look, I don’t want to sound too negative but thanks to the ever-shrinking attention spans of the youth, we’re gonna be forced to edit more of these five second bullshit ass trailers in addition to the full length ones. How is that an effective use of my time?,” asked Smith as he slammed his fist on the desk. “My job has now doubled and I’m still getting paid the same rate. And it’s only getting worse. We’re even experimenting with even smaller ‘micro mini teaser trailers’ now. Who is this shit for?”

As of press time, Smith had been terminated for his comments and was last seen helping his son edit a YouTube video.

10 Video Game Franchises I’ve Decided Have Gone Woke

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Brad Waters

As we should all be aware by now; video games have followed in the footsteps of TV, movies, music, news, Oreos, swimming and methane and gone woke in every conceivable way. And not only the obvious ones, either! But just how woke? Well, here are the 10 worst offenders from what I can tell.

#1: Alan Wake

Used to be that Alan Wake was about a guy trying to discover the truth of his missing wife in the greatest place on Earth — Washington. It was a perfectly realistic plot we could all relate to, but now there’s some black chick in there too for some reason? And she’s also dealing with abject psychological horrors? Gimme a break, what do they have to be so scared about when so many of us brooding white guys’ wives keep disappearing? More like Alan Woke, am I right?

#2: Pokémon

The kids in Pokémon make far too much money for far too little effort. Every battle they win with their prissy little ducks and teddy bears nets ‘em like $500. What happened to working hard for what you earn?

By the time they get their 4th badge they’ve got the cash to pull their Pokémon out of the Day Care Center 1000 times over, and what do they spend their time in the Day Care Center doing? Breeding endlessly with gender-neutral Ditto. No surprise that thing identifies as non-binary, means it can get away with fucking every other snowflake freak in sight. If I had the badges for strong Pokémon, I’d use them to crush you like the little degenerate you are, Ditto. Alas, the only badges I have are from Vietnam. You’re welcome, bitch.

#3: The Last Of Us

I miss the good old days when The Last Of Us was just about this handsome badass learning to be a Dad again and stopping the zombie apocalypse all at the same time. Now it’s all lesbos kissing and playing guitar at each other. What happened to the violence? The badassery? The brutality? I didn’t even make it past the first kissing scene. I’m going back to Gears Of War.

#4: Gears Of War

Never mind. There’s a woman in it now.

#5: Life Is Strange

Life Is Strange was on the money once upon a time. Yeah, Life Is Strange. Teachers try and keep rogue students in line with a bit of tough love and get cancelled by the woke mob. People are identifying as any gender under the sun and dying their hair all the colors under the rainbow and we’re not even having red-faced, mouth-frothing meltdowns about it. Now it seems Life Is Strange has sided with those same snivelling libs after all. What a shame.

#6: Tetris

I don’t know. It just fucking has, okay? I just have a sixth sense for these things, I can just tell when they’ve gone fucking woke and this has. It’s woke. It’s fucking woke, it’s all woke.

#7: Horny Warp

I used to really dig the chicks from lesser-known classic Steam series Horny Warp right up until Hentai Fantasy when they all started dyeing their hair and identifying as plantfolk or succubi or whatever the fuck else. Yeah, alright ladies. How do I know you’re not gonna try and trans my gender or start demanding free healthcare? I’m going back to Tomb Raider for when I wanna get my rocks off, thanks.

#8: Tomb Raider

Or at least I would, if they hadn’t wussified that as well! Lara’s got less funbags nowadays and more emotional baggage. “Oh, my trauma! Oh, my pain! Life is so hard for me now that I’m some feminist stick figure who still takes no issue with stealing artefacts from indigenous cultures like the colonising harpie I am!” Big whoop, your job is hard and you’re not pretty anymore. I got my dick stuck in a bear trap for 3 days in Afghanistan and I’m probably hotter than you at this rate. Where’s my video game trilogy?

#9: Civilization

So there I am playing Civilization VI, having a great time, blasting my way through the middle ages with the greatest country in the world, America, when who should pipe up but Mahatma Gandhi, admonishing me for my “imperialist attitude” and threatening war with me for trying to colonise his territory? Hello bro? I’m trying to make you fuckin’ weirdos better! Give me another 1,000 years and I would have blessed India with the NFL and Totino’s Pizza Rolls, but nooo! This fucking guy nukes me! Typical left. Play the bigger man from atop your high horse and then atomise your entire country while you’re pillaging Ancient Egypt. This is why we can’t let them win.

#10: Bugsnax

Bugsnax used to stand for something. It was an allegory for war. What a soldier will do when pushed to his physical and mental limit. The things he’ll do to survive. I used to blast my way through commie traitors in the old Bugsnax on the PS1. I used to cave their faces in with my bare hands, I used to tear their intestines out and wear them around my neck as a trophy of my victory — the sight alone telling any man on the other side not to fuck with me. I felt seen. And then that new Bugsnax came out and I met Floofty Fizzlebean, the non-binary Grumpus of Snaxburg, and I realised the war had been lost long ago.

RANKED: The Top 50 Mario Cameo Appearances

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Mario sure has done it all, huh? Plumber, doctor, chef, sex worker (wait, was that a dream?). And yet somehow, after all of that, it’s STILL not enough for this megalomaniac. He’s appeared in dozens of games that aren’t even his own, and has even forced characters from other games to dress up as him. Disgusting. Here are the top 50 Mario cameo appearances from throughout the wide world of video games. We’re only including officially sanctioned crossovers, none of that lazy ambiguous callback bullshit.

#50 — Super Smash Bros.

Come on man, there’s a bunch of crossovers in this one. Sure, Mario appears in this game that isn’t his own, but he has to share the stage with like, 85 other characters at this point. It’s not the same, but we’ll give it to him. Here ya go, ya greedy bastard.

#49 — LEGO City Undercover

Here’s a theme you’re going to see a lot on this list: Nintendo desperately trying to make WiiU exclusives seem appealing by adding in Mario cosmetics. Among other Mario items and enemies that appear, you can dress your character up like Mario by having him wear his hat! Here, please take my 60 dollars! I don’t even need it!

#48 — Qix

Mario celebrates a victory whenever you win at Qix, whatever that is. It’s so low on this list because Mario’s idea of “celebrating” is dressing up as stereotypes of different ethnicities. This is almost as bad as Billy Crystal’s “tribute” to Sammy Davis Jr. at the Oscars.

#47 — Just Dance Wii

One of many collaborations between Nintendo and Ubisoft, Mario was included in Just Dance Wii. This may seem all fine and good, but look at him. It looks like a guy in a Mario mascot suit. No I’m not dancing with you dude, and I don’t want a picture right now.

#46 — One Piece: Super Grand Battle! X

This shouldn’t be as strange as it is, and yet… I don’t like seeing Luffy dressed up as Mario. It just seems wrong, for reasons I can’t quite explain. These costumes were unlocked via amiibo scanning, and while I’m not normally big on content being locked behind amiibos, in this case I think it’s a good thing.

#45 — Super Play Action Football

I had no idea that Japan made an (American) football game, let alone one that is published by Nintendo. As per some company mandate, Mario’s face appears on the coin toss before the game. They didn’t have to, and yet they did.

#44 — Rocket League

Oh my god, what have they done– they turned my boy into an extreme racing vehicle! Oh wait, this is just a Mario car, exclusive to the Nintendo Switch version of Rocket League. Close enough.

#43 — 1080° Snowboarding

Apparently there is a realistic Mario in the crowd here, but… I’m not seeing him. People are saying he’s there, and I believe them, but this is kind of a weak cameo if I have to squint to spot the guy.

#42 — Wii Party U

You can dress your character up like Mario. Be honest: did anyone play this?

#41 — Nintendogs

You can dress your damn DOG up like Mario. If someone did that today in real life and posted it on TikTok, they would be flooded with comments about how that’s animal abuse, so we’re putting it lower on the list just to be safe.

#40 — Pokémon Stadium 2

Mario appears on TV in your customizable bedroom. What they don’t tell you, however, is that every copy of Super Mario 64 is haunted. Maybe it helps you unlock a hidden ghost Pokémon.

#39 — Stunt Race FX

Mario’s face is plastered on billboards as you race around. “Hey, I know you’re playing a Nintendo game right now, but we were wondering: have you heard of Mario yet?”

#38 — Fortune Street

Man, what the hell was going on here?

#37 — Miitopia

Aaaand you guessed it: you can once again dress up as Mario. Whoop-dee-doo. In case you forgot how his clothes look, this could serve as a helpful reminder.

#36 — Metroid Prime: Federation Force

This game was a real slap in the face to a lot of Metroid fans, who were practically begging for a new game in the series for years at that point. They would be ‘eating well’ later on, as it were, but at least there were official Mario paint jobs you could put on for your mech suit. “Maybe that’ll soften the blow a little bit,” I’m sure they thought.

#35 — Jump Rope Challenge

This was one of those games that came out during COVID lockdown to help keep people from getting out of shape. I guess they felt there wasn’t enough incentive, so they added Mario to the game. I would like to meet the person who saw this and went, “okay, now I’m ready to lose some weight.”

#34 — The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

This counts as Mario, full stop. He’s pudgy, he’s got a mustache, he collects mushrooms, and he’s made by Nintendo where, if you couldn’t tell, they can’t help themselves from putting Mario into as many games as possible. It’s not the most egregious example of this in a Zelda game, even on this list, but it’s worthy of this spot nonetheless.

#33 — Wrecking Crew

It’s debatable as to whether or not this is an actual Mario game in the Mario series, but his name’s not in the title so we’re including it here, okay? And that’s just gonna have to be good enough for you. Don’t like it? Leave us a comment and give us some engagement.

#32 — Drill Dozer

Jill, the aptly named protagonist of Drill Dozer, can unlock a Mario costume. It doesn’t appear to have any benefits besides cosmetics and being blatantly referential, but hey, that’s what this whole list is about.

#31 — 1080° Avalanche

A large ice sculpture of Mario appears in this game for players to marvel at. You can’t help but appreciate the craftsmanship on display here, and the shamelessness of Nintendo to lean on their mustachioed mascot at every chance they get.

#30 — Golf

It’s kind of ambiguous as to whether or not that’s Mario in the original version of this game. He’s been referred to as “Ossan”, but so has Mario many times. Regardless, enough people agree that it is him, so it lands near the middle of this list.

#29 — SimCity (SNES)

If you do a good job simulating your city, the mayor will reward you with a giant Mario statue in the vein of the Statue of Liberty. It’s as if Nintendo said, “bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning for Mario.”

#28 — Project Zero 2: Wii Edition

If for whatever reason, and no judgment here, you want to dress two Japanese teenage girls up like Mario and Luigi, well, you can. If you want to take all the emotional impact out of any cutscene that they might appear in, this would be the way. Again, if that’s what you’re looking for here.

#27 — Tennis

Well hey, look at that! Mario is the referee here. This wouldn’t be the first, or the last time, that Mario would take on the role of the judge, the jury, and the executioner when it comes to recreational sports. It’s a fun little nod and not much else, but hey, it’s neat that it’s here.

#26 — Taiko no Tatsujin Wii: Kettei-Ban

One of the songs from New Super Mario Bros. Wii is in this game, and when you play it, Mario will appear down below, just as he does in that game. Surely this helps you get into the groove properly, seeing his smiling face and potbelly running around to the beat of the music.

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10 Simpsons Episodes From the Last Decade You Won’t Be Able To Tell if We Made up or Not

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Jerrod Kingery

The Simpsons has been on the air for more than three decades, and while most ardent fans will agree the show isn’t as good as it was at its peak, the last decade has seen some of the creative spark that made the show a household name in the ’90s return to create some truly great episodes. Here are the top 10 episodes of The Simpsons from the last 10 years that you in particular, a self-avowed “die hard” fan, won’t be able to tell if we made up or not, because you’ve just been rewatching seasons three through nine on Disney Plus and haven’t bothered to check out anything the show produced after 1998.

#1. Brick Like Me

This is the LEGO episode of The Simpsons that was released on the heels of the massively successful The LEGO Movie that also served as a sort-of tie in to the Simpsons LEGO playsets that hit stores around the same time. This episode was covered pretty heavily in the press, so you probably at least heard about it, so consider this a gimme to boost your confidence. They’re gonna get harder!

#2. Marge Vs. The Monoculture

When the Kwik-E-Mart is taken over and rebranded by the massive convenience store chain 9-Eleven, a fed-up Marge helps Apu reopen a boutique version of his store to combat the corporate homogenization of Springfield. Meanwhile, Homer falls in love with the fast, fresh sandwiches 9-Eleven makes in-store, and he tries to sabotage Marge’s plan to force them out of town. This just SOUNDS like a modern episode, right? Stay tuned!

#3. Every Dog Has Another Day

A think piece blog post written by Comic Book Guy slamming the current state of Itchy & Scratchy also re-evaluates Poochie, the surfing dog with an attitude voiced by Homer who was famously hated by everyone and died on the way back to his home planet. This resurgence in popularity leads to the announcement of a prequel series, only Homer is being replaced as Poochie’s voice by – you guessed it – guest star Chris Pratt. You know how people online like to bitch about Pratt voicing animated characters being uninspired casting, so this has a real meta appeal. Seems legit!

#4. Barthood

This tribute/parody of Richard Linklater’s years-in-the-making Boyhood is one of those modern Simpsons continuity-breaking episodes that sands the rougher edges off a character, in this case Bart, in order to squeeze them into a particular format. Once upon a time the show would bend the parody to fit its own bizarre point of view, but look, this was deep into the 2010s, what were you expecting?

#5. Vote For Barto

Timed to coincide with Fox’s short-lived Napoleon Dynamite cartoon revival, this episode finds Lisa befriending Napoleon Dynamite himself (voiced again by Jon Heder) as she manages Bart’s campaign for student body president. Also, Homer befriends Napoleon’s braggadocious Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) as they both try to throw a football across Springfield Gorge. They’ve done this sort of cross promotion before, but did they REALLY do this one? Are you willing to hunt through Disney Plus to find out? (Just keep scrolling if not.)

#6. Marge Becomes A Robot

After a fall down the stairs caused by Santa’s Little Helper leaves Marge in a full body cast, Lisa approaches Professor Frink about building a mech suit for her mother since Homer nearly burns down the house trying to cook breakfast with Marge sidelined. But the new CyberMarge uses her newfound power to fight crime instead of cleaning the house. Was this one real, or is this description borne from a tossed off joke mentioned in a single episode? Your season four quoting-ass has no goddamn clue.

#7. Specs And The City

Mr. Burns gifts his employees some high-tech glasses based on Google Glass, those dumb “smart” glasses all the most insufferable tech bros were wearing in the early ‘10s. Turns out Burns was using them to spy on his employees and Homer used his to find out secrets about Marge, but you’re still thinking about that time Homer found Henry Kissinger’s glasses in the power plant toilet, aren’t you?

#8. Choo-Choo Choose Life

Ned Flanders lobbies Mayor Quimby to outlaw abortion in Springfield. Quimby acquiesces, thinking that if he were to advocate for abortion it would expose his extramarital affair. As a result, Quimby’s pregnant, college-aged mistress (guest voice Kiernan Shipka) is forced to have Quimby’s baby. After she’s kicked out of her dorm, she moves in with the Simpsons, where Bart can’t wait for the arrival of the “bastard” child. Would this even be a funny episode, or would the politics render it a preachy slog? Go watch it and see for yourself, it’s right there on your smart TV…or is it?

#9. Spider-Pig: Homercoming

Plopper, Homer’s pet pig introduced in The Simpsons Movie, books a commercial after getting loose at a Springfield Isotopes game and being spotted on the JumboTron. Homer becomes an overbearing stage-father to Plopper, who runs away from a movie he was set to costar in with guest voice Pamela Anderson. You saw The Simpsons Movie at least once, right? Have you watched in in the more than a decade and a half since it came out? Yeah, that’s right, 2007. George W. Bush was President. Don’t you feel old as shit?

#10. Simpsorama

The Planet Express crew from Futurama travels back in time to present-day Springfield and encounters the Simpson family in an attempt to keep them from destroying the future. Oh, and they yet again take the piss out of ‘Jurassic Bark,’ one of the best Futurama episodes, by mocking the sentimentality that made it so endearing. And Bender gets left in the past for 1,000 years. It sounds fine, right? Especially for two shows so far past their prime? They probably made this for sure, don’t you think?

How did you do? Scroll past this picture of Jimmy Carter, history’s greatest monster, to find out!

ANSWER KEY:

Real: 1, 4, 7, 10

Fake: 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9

Chiptune Band Opens Set With Perfect Cover of Konami Logo Sound

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

NEW ORLEANS — Up-and-coming chiptune outfit RUMBLEPAK stunned the crowd at their last show after kicking off their set with a pitch-perfect rendition of the Konami logo, nostalgic sources confirmed.

“I mean, sure it was over in three seconds, but you don’t understand. It sounded EXACTLY like I had just popped Zombies Ate My Neighbors into my SNES,” said audience member Carney Winther, while getting a wistful, faraway look in his eye. “They nailed it. I felt like this was what God gave us ears to hear.”

When asked how the band was able to replicate such a singular sound, RUMBLEPAK guitarist Ariel Oliver was quick to give the blow-by-blow of the process.

“You wouldn’t believe the man-hours we put into it. Different instrument combinations, tempos, and volumes…” she said, beginning to sweat just thinking about it. “Musicians have been trying to cover the Konami sound since the time of Bach and Beethoven, and we were determined to be the first to crack it. For a while there, our practice space was like NASA during a botched launch. And was it all worth it? Hey man, you heard it.”

Officials from the Konami company are set to tap the band for a very special secret project.

“Well, we’ll come clean…we just flat out don’t remember how the sound goes, and we have a lot of throwback titles coming out that are going to need that vintage sound effect.” said Konami CEO Kagemasa Kozuki. “We figured it would be cheaper to just hire the group to come in and rip through thirty different versions of the sound rather than put in all the work to try to replicate it ourselves. You ever try to play that thing? Impossible.”

At press time, RUMBLEPAK returned to the stage for a one-second encore consisting of a cover of “that pig sound you could use in Mario Paint Composer.”

Worthless Scumbag Eric Sparrow Thankfully Found Dead

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Will Carnevale

TRENTON, N.J. — Washed-up skateboarder and worthless scumbag fuck Eric Sparrow has thankfully been found dead at the age of 37.

“Real piece of work, that Sparrow kid,” said the man known to the Element Skateboards team—an early sponsor of Sparrow’s—as Todd the Manager, through a mouthful of food. “Lost us one of our best skaters after he passed off the blame for his jarhead joyride and I was hangry and desperate enough to believe his story. Luckily, Bam used to stand me up next to his dad and claim we were twins, or my ass would’ve been kicked to the curb, too.”

Sparrow was appropriately found nearly three months ago in the burned wreckage of an Elm Street crack house, but due to investigators’ understandable lack of interest in the case, it took the Trenton Police Department several weeks to find anyone willing to confirm the identity of the body, and even longer to get around to announcing Sparrow’s overdue passing to the public.

“Uh, yeah, we’re getting right on that,” said a spokesman for Trenton PD when asked for an update on the investigation at an unrelated press conference, after having to be reminded who Sparrow was. All citizens and members of the press who were present appeared satisfied with TPD’s progress.

Like many sociopaths, Sparrow was notoriously self-serving, deceitful, and impulsive, with a history of arson and at least one semi-public episode of incontinence. After spending some time in Baltimore, Sparrow was forced to relocate back to his hometown in 2007 when his career took a nosedive following a thunderous loss to an upstart young skateboarder at every stage of that year’s Tri-City Skate Competition—a twofold loss for Sparrow, who actually forfeited his car to the winner in a rare instance of keeping his word.

“Eric was a backstabbing, mob-flipping cockroach,” said a man identifying himself only as ‘Steve,’ but whom locals describe as a skateboarding legend and former contemporary of Sparrow’s. “A shithead in more ways than one. Good riddance.”

It’s still unknown whether Sparrow himself set the fire that took his meaningless life, as his brief pursuit of riches and validation reportedly led him to run afoul of local drug dealers, at least one Florida Sheriff’s office, and even the Russian military.