What’s the Worst RPG on Each Generation of PlayStation?

Believe it or not, Sony doesn’t just make TVs and too many Spider-Man movies. The international company has made a large share of its fortune by continuously evolving as a competitor in each new generation of consoles. The latest, the PS5, is damn near my favorite console ever, as well as one of the largest, and certainly the most physically unbalanced I’ve ever owned.

Each generation of consoles also has a collection of role playing games that range from making the most of the hardware to leaving players with a bad taste in their mouths. The first system I owned was the original PlayStation, occupying the role of my favorite puppets in the Sesame Street Sports game that was the second most tragic thing to happen in 2001. The titles have gotten better since then, thankfully, but every new generation will still have games that try to skate by without realizing their full potential.

Every system has its worst RPG, and these are the ones on every Sony PlayStation.  You may disagree with some of my selections, and whether they qualify as RPGs at all, and that’s completely okay. I still love you, even if others have a hard time with it. 

PlayStation 1: Eternal Eyes

A lot of games will see the success of other titles and try to copy their formula in the hopes it will be enough, and that seems to be what Eternal Eyes was going for. While the art style was cute at times, it was also pretty standard for the era and both the protagonists and game mascots look like off-brand versions of other series’ characters. The tactical gameplay isn’t anything special, but the effects and turn-based gameplay may have been a hit among players. It just feels like literally everyone did this better, you know? It’s just bland and nothing good can possibly come out of sitting through hour after hour of the monotonous chores and repeated music.  The bar is not high for PlayStation 1 games, but still, I want you to close your eyes and listen to that low-tone music paired with constant beeping and tell me you wouldn’t be convinced you were supposed to kill John Lennon if you played this long enough. 

PlayStation 2:  Orphen: Scion of Sorcery

The voice acting in this game isn’t that bad, especially when you consider that it’s a dub, but its pairing with incredibly funny character animations and impressive anime scenes make Orphen: Scion of Sorcery unquestionably something special. However, that’s also the reason the overall atmosphere is so awkward. That and the general humor of the PS2 era, coupled with weird translations and dialogue choices (think Kingdom Hearts 2.)

The actual gameplay is a whole different issue, as whoever designed it must have had a premonition of Beat Saber the night they started on it. For some befuddling reason, the player character stands in one place for each battle and throws spells and fireballs at pre-designated weak points on the monster with no real way to avoid attacks. It’s essentially the same strategy as a game of rock-paper-scissors. I love weird animations of characters and games many consider to be bad, but even I can recognize a pretty lame combat mechanic when it’s this blatant. The developer knew what VR games would be like in the future and designed Orphen: Scion of Sorcery around that whole theory, about 20 years too early. 

PlayStation 3: Natural Doctrine

Natural Doctrine reminds me of how depressed I was during the PlayStation 3 era, mostly thanks to its drab colors and shallow depth. There just doesn’t seem to be much to this game outside of classic RPG tropes, cliche anime voice acting, and one of the most obnoxious UIs you’ve likely ever seen. The tactical combat isn’t fun or unique in any way. Instead, it largely feels so complex that it’s weighing itself down in the process. There’s no way the children playing this game were planning the complicated maneuvers that this title wanted from them, which probably disappointed the developers as much as I disappointed my parents when I didn’t want to do anything but play video games. Nevertheless, even the story seems to be something we’ve all seen from countless titles before. I’m not mad at you, Natural Doctrine. I’m just disappointed. 

PlayStation 4: Ghost Recon: Breakpoint

There was a time when players had a lot of respect for Ubisoft and the Ghost Recon brand before the company became the cash grabbing mechanism that it is today. Breakpoint‘s predecessor, Wildlands, was generally well received and the open world was one of Ubisoft’s proofs of concept for that idea going forward. However, it was also a core example of the company wanting to do everything ‘okay,’ therefore doing nothing well. 

Ghost Recon: Breakpoint only evolved on that and made it worse, adding in even more extensive content and the promise of NFTs, which was as well received as anyone bragging about owning an NFT. At that point, the game became a roleplaying experience about how much you can play the title before your head explodes. While many were already soured on the Assassin’s Creed series forays into similar worlds, this really began the spiraling opinion of Ubisoft’s characters and narratives.

Ghost Recon may not see a new entry for a while, as Ubisoft canceled a free-to-play tactical PVP shooter a little over a year ago in July 2022 to the cheers of GR fans everywhere. Whoever talked some sense into the Guillemot brothers needs to do it again and have them return to the drawing board for a good return to the Ghost Recon universe with a story that means something. Thanks! 

PlayStation 5: Dungeons and Dragons: Dark Alliance

Especially after the release of Baldur’s Gate 3, the Dungeons and Dragons franchise is something that should be respected, and many viewed Dark Alliance as a disappointment in that aspect. It’s one of the more disappointing launches for the PlayStation 5 so far, especially when it had so much to draw from.

The game doesn’t look bad by any means, but it’s ultimately a mediocre game trying to hide under the name of a popular and known brand. The character animations are stiff and the gameplay is largely pretty basic, reminding me of a watered-down version of good RPG games like Dragon Age: Inquisition. Additionally, it strips away many of the features that players have come to love in these types of games. For example, there’s no ability to create a custom character with your own class. Instead, the game is fixed in its playable characters. That’s not the D&D your mother warned you about!

Check out our Worst RPG’s on Each Generation of Xbox! 

Spirit Halloween Moves Into Former Nintendo eShop Space on 3DS

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Gamers across the world were surprised this week when holiday retailer Spirit Halloween took over the vacant space on the 3DS home screen formerly occupied by the eShop icon.

“I booted up my New 3DS XL and saw this weird icon where the eShop used to be,” said Jared Haney. “I was worried something was wrong with the system itself. Obviously, I hacked it a long time ago, and I thought Nintendo might have found some way of detecting jailbroken consoles. But after I gathered up the courage to tap the icon, it was just a weirdly empty, poorly-organized app full of overpriced Halloween costumes. Browsing it made me feel like I needed to take a shower.”

Lilian Daly, Spirit Halloween’s Director of Public Relations, explained that the company is no stranger to expansion.

“We’re always looking for affordable real estate,” said Daly, dressed in an inflatable T-Rex costume. “When we heard that this space was available, we moved on it right away. It’s even more attractive than an old CVS or Bon Ton. Millions of customers will now have the chance to visit our store without having to walk through a sketchy strip mall parking lot that feels like a graveyard for the victims of capitalism.”

Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa explained that the video game giant was happy to strengthen their relationship with the seasonal retailer.

“Nintendo is proud to have Spirit as our business partner,” said Furukawa. “For years, our fans have been able to find our licensed merchandise at their numerous, convenient retail locations. While we want to reaffirm that they should no longer play games on their old consoles, they are welcome and encouraged to purchase an official Bowser costume right on their 3DS. That’s right, King Bowser, as seen in the hit motion picture, The Super Mario Bros. Movie!”

At press time, Dollar Tree and Mattress Firm had reportedly entered into a bidding war over the vacant eShop space on the WiiU.

Man Knows He’d Kill at Trivia if All the Questions Were About Coen Brothers Movies

CHICAGO — Lighting a cigarette outside of McClusky’s Ale Arena, 30-year-old tapas server Donny Barlow mused that he’d probably be killing it way harder at tonight’s trivia night if every single question was about the filmography of Joel and Ethan Coen.

“I’m not a big sports nut, and I never really studied a ton in high school,” said Barlow, unclasping one of the pockets of his denim jacket to light another smoke. “Haven’t read a book in about a decade either, if we’re being honest. But shit, man. If you ask me something about the making of Fargo, we’re cooking with fucking gas. They built that Paul Bunyan statue special for the movie and tore it down right after they stopped filming. And yeah, that is the guy who plays the Zodiac killer as Marge Gunderson’s husband. Basically his first film role, must have felt pretty stoked to get cast by the absolute GOATs of American dark comedies. Shit, I should probably get back inside – halftime is over and you never know when a guy who knows everything about The Hudsucker Proxy might have to do his thang.”

When asked for comment, a member of Barlow’s trivia team admitted that she often feels frustrated with Donny’s presence on the team, particularly his constant insistence that the next round is “definitely” going to be called “O Trivia, Where Art Thou?”

“Look, Donny’s a sweet guy and a great hang,” said Jenna Rogers, Barlow’s longtime teammate. “But every thought in his brain is about a Coen brothers movie. Our buddy Mark is a copywriter, and Donny’s always saying ‘Everybody got the one homie who act like Barton Fink,’ and pointing at him. It’s so obnoxious! I keep telling him that there’s literally no shot in hell that the entire parking lot speech from A Serious Man would ever be a trivia answer, but he doesn’t listen. I’m just glad that he stopped dressing up as Anton Chiguhr every week – that cattle gun he would drag around was fully functional!

Bar owner and trivia host Martin McClusky stated that while he does accept suggestions for possible trivia subjects every week, Barlow doesn’t seem to understand his relatively niche expertise might not play for the general public.

“I could see a sort of fill-in-the-blank thing with iconic quotes from The Big Lebowski, definitely, “ said McClusky. “But a whole night dedicated to them? Donny’s the only guy who knows the name of Jon Polito’s character from Miller’s Crossing. Your Average Joe has not memorized every session musician who played on ‘Please Mr. Kennedy.’ And seriously, who the hell has ever seen The Man Who Wasn’t There? But it’s all good, he’s a sweet kid. And it’s been a lot easier to talk sensibly to him now that he doesn’t drag that cattle gun around the bar anymore.”

Barlow hasn’t given up hope that his Coen-forward aesthetic won’t one day be accepted by the masses and is currently acquiring an LLC for his Ballad of Buster Scruggs themed mescal bar.

“Our Videos are Supposed to be Serious, Step-By-Step Guides”: Our Interview With the Game Grumps

A decade after making their YouTube debut, The Game Grumps continue to be some of the most popular producers of Let’s Play videos on the platform. We sat down with them recently and talked about their channel, their controversies, and the shocking nature of their relationship away from the show. 

Good afternoon guys! Thank you so much for talking to us toda—

Arin: *45 minutes of loud, uninterrupted fake farting noises*

Why Are You Called the Game Grumps?

Because…we’re grumpy? The games? Maybe the games are grumpy? That can’t be right. We’ll have to get back to you on that one

How did you get the idea for Game Grumps as a channel?

Arin: Well, there were countless people on the site already just sitting down and commentating over video game playthroughs, but we realized we could do that exact same thing with no variation. 

Do you think you have a lot of haters?

Dan: I think there’s just a small vocal minority of a couple trolls, commenters, and the twenty-five thousand user Subreddit dedicated to ranting about us

Do you think your banter ever crosses into queer-baiting?

Arin: No, that’s crazy. That’s almost as crazy as me and Dan totally kissing and passionately fucking right now. How crazy would that be? Are you imagining it?

Are there any plans to do another Starbomb album?

Dan: In order to not come off as forced, we don’t want to do another Starbomb album unless we really feel inspired about commenting on a specific video game character’s penis.

Do you still keep in touch with Ross O’Donovan at all?

Arin: Not really. For some reason that fucking worthless idiot loser asshole thinks we bullied him too much

You two spend so much time recording with each other. Do you ever spend time together as friends outside of work?

Dan: To make sure we have good chemistry, we went ahead and made me Arin’s court-appointed guardian. He’s legally not allowed out of my sight, and we spent every single moment together all day until we are tucked into our large Game Grumps bed at night. 

Do you watch your own content, or is it too cringey to hear your own voice back?

Arin: I stopped watching after JonTron left the show

Why did you have a falling out with Chris O’Neill and the entire Oneyplays cast?

Arin: We decided we just weren’t comfortable with them saying some pretty offensive and problematic stuff that they clearly ripped off from us.

Do you think the comedy or the gameplay is more important in your videos?

Dan: It’s still weird to me that anyone watches our video for our banter or comedy, as we have always maintained that our videos are supposed to be serious, step-by-step guides of how to complete every game with perfect efficiency. How anyone finds that funny is beyond me.

What did you do before joining Game Grumps?

Dan: I was just a nobody with a handsome face, beautiful singing voice and a promising comedy career.

When choosing a game for a series or episode, do you spend any time familiarizing yourself with it to make sure the video is entertaining?

Arin: Doing that makes it so we could eliminate all the futzing with menus and figuring out controls and settings, which drastically cuts down on boring filler moments in the show. So no, we don’t. 

Who is a guest you’ve always wanted on Game Grumps?

Arin: We’ve tried for years to get Pope Francis on the show, but he keeps politely declining because he claims he’s more of a Super Mega guy. 

What is your take on the Super Mega drama?

Dan: While some people have forgiven them, I just don’t think I can ever look past the heinous, deplorable deed of stopping their EuroTruck Simulator series

Do you think your channel will ever have a large controversy?

Arin: We’re two adult men that make jokes over footage of video games, so 100% absolutely.

Do you ever worry about running out of things to talk about?

Dan: Given our rich friendship and interesting day to day lives, I don’t think we’ll run out of things to talk about until well into next week.

What do you think of fans who think you two have ‘gone corporate’ 

Arin: Game Grumps hasn’t gone corporate at all. If you don’t believe me, you can just ask our business managers, PR team, social media managers, editing team, or production assistants.

Some people also say that Game Grumps is past its golden era, do you agree?

Dan: Not at all. I think we’re in our golden era right now, which is why a lot of our content now is just reacting to our old videos.

What’s next for Game Grumps?

Either a company-shattering controversy or a Mega Man 3 playthrough.

PlayStation Boss Jim Ryan Announces Plans to Step Down, Play ‘Halo 2’ for the First Time

NEW YORK CITY — Sony CEO Jim Ryan shocked the video game world today by announcing his plans to step down from his role, and subsequently “play a shitload of Halo,” sources confirmed. 

“That’s not the whole reason I’m stepping down, the Halo 2 thing, just so everybody knows,” said Ryan, in a press release. “But if I’m being honest, it’s part of it. It’s been in the back of my head for a while now: ‘Hmm, that Halo seems fun as hell.’ It’s not that I was forbidden from trying it even, but you know, it just seemed a little funny. Now I’m all over it, though! I have a lot of free time, and after talking it over with my friends and family, I think I’m going to start with Halo 2.” 

Gamers were surprised to hear about Ryan’s sudden departure, and mostly all agreed that Halo is pretty dope. 

“Wow, so just like that, huh?” said local gamer Omar Greene. “He’s been CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment since 2011, I didn’t think he’d just step down so abruptly one day. But let’s be real, whether we’re CEO’s or not, everyone dreams of just telling work to fuck off one day and play a bunch of Halo 2 instead. This is honestly my favorite thing Jim Ryan’s ever done. Xbox should hire him or something.” 

As of press time, Ryan had been in his basement for the last few hours with some kids from his neighborhood, and could at one point be heard yelling “Hot damn, this Game Pass has so much shit on it!” 

Starfield Fast Travel Unavailable Error: Why Can’t I Fast Travel?

Are you getting a fast travel unavailable error in Starfield? There are several reasons why this could happen in the game, beyond the most obvious ones. This Starfield guide will run you through each of them, and how to address the issue of “Fast Travel Is Currently Unavailable…” and its variations.

Overencumbered: Starfield Can’t Fast Travel On Foot

This one’s a no-brainer–you’re carrying too much stuff. Consume what you can in order to reduce your weight, and toss anything with a relatively low sell value. If you happen to have a UC Battlemeal Multipack available consuming it will allow you to carry eight additional Mass for eight minutes. If you’re in the vicinity of your ship, you can actually remotely access the Cargo Hold without being physically aboard the ship. Simply access your Inventory, select your ship, select the Cargo Hold, then Inventory (again) from that screen, and start transferring items over.

Ship Docking Status

If your ship is currently docked with another ship, or a StarStation, you will have to sit down in the cockpit and manually undock, before making the jump.

Ship Overencumbered: Starfield Can’t Grav Jump Fast Travel

Your ship itself can also be overencumbered, preventing you from making Grav Jumps. Both your Cargo Hold and Captain’s Locker have a defined maximum Mass. Now you might think the solution would be to Jettison items in your hold using the option provided, which you can do if you want to. But if you have nothing disposable, the simpler solution is to take items out of the Cargo Hold and just drop them on the floor of your ship. Items strewn about the ship’s decks are persistent and will not be lost, and do not count towards the encumbrance restriction towards fast travel.

Can’t Fast Travel To Escape Combat

Whether you are actively in combat, merely in the vicinity of enemies, or taking damage from mines or environmental hazards, fast travel will be disabled until you put some distance between yourself and the source of the threat. This is true in space combat as well, however there is a trick to escaping a losing battle in your ship–simply fast travel to a destination outside of the Star System you are in currently.

“Fast Travel Is Currently Unavailable From This Location”

Some locations themselves will not allow you to fast travel out of them with the message “Fast Travel Is Currently Unavailable From This Location”. This appears to be especially an issue within caves, mines, and enemy bases, and will not be resolved by simply killing everyone and everything inside. You will have to make your way to an exit before fast travel will be enabled again.

Quest or Mission Status Related

A myriad of story progression related reasons can prevent you from fast traveling. At the start of the game, you won’t even be able to fast travel until after you’ve met Sarah Morgan through the mission “Old Neighborhood”. If you’re aboard the Crimson Fleet’s capital ship during the course of infiltrating them on behalf of the UC, you cannot fast travel out of the scenario.

Aurora In Your Possession On Neon: Starfield Fast Travel Unavailable

Fast Travel may be unavailable in Starfield due to having aurora in your possession.

If you have any Aurora in your inventory, you will not be permitted to fast travel off of the planet, as it is a banned substance in every Settled System. You will have to manually leave Neon on foot and get to your ship. Once you’re off-planet, Aurora is considered Contraband and will be subject to ship scans when you Grav Jump to locations in Settled Systems.

Contraband Aboard: Starfield Fast Travel Smuggling

If you have any Contraband in your Inventory or aboard your ship, and attempt to fast travel directly to a location on a planet in a Settled System, you will find the icons grayed out. This is because you must pass through a Settled Systems scan of your ship first, and that only happens when you Grav Jump to the system itself. Your only avenues out of this situation are to sell your Contraband to a vendor in the location you are currently at, or the Crimson Fleet’s The Key StarStation, or Jettisoning the material via your Cargo Hold. Dropping the items on the deck of your ship is not an option.

Fast Travel Unavailable: Starfield Game Bugs

There are several game-breaking bugs related to fast traveling. These can often be resolved by manually saving, restarting the game, and loading the save. Failing that, attempt to use your Star Map to fast travel to a different Star System entirely. Most often Earth may be the only location that is available as an option. This can help potentially reset the fast travel bug.

Those are all known reasons for fast travel being disabled in Starfield. Check out some of our other guides on the best stock ships, the best weapons and engines for them, and vendors for unique ship parts.

Forza Motorsport Splitscreen Guide: Can You Play Split-Screen?

Looking to play Forza Motorsport locally with splitscreen multiplayer? Forza Motorsport will bring a new generation of simulation racing to car enthusiasts and racing fans all over the world. The game will include many new features to enhance the gameplay experience and realistic graphics to provide the ultimate racing feeling. One of the queries people may have might be whether the game will include split-screen racing like previous titles in the series. Many view racing games as a fun couch co-op title to play together, and this includes Forza. So, let’s take a look at whether Forza Motorsport will have split-screen gameplay.

Will Forza Motorsport Have Splitscreen Gameplay at Launch?

Does Forza Motorsport have splitscreen?

Unfortunately for racing fans, this year’s Forza Motorsport will not have Splitscreen gameplay at launch. In the August 2023 Forza Monthly Broadcast, the Creative Director at Turn 10, Chris Esaki, confirmed that Forza Motorsport would not have the split screen gameplay feature when the game launches in October. The feature was initially included as part of the launch, but the developers primarily focused on the graphical and rendering features. The lack of players’ split screen usage is also one reason why the feature will not be present. The split-screen mode is not the only feature that will be missing when the game launches. AI racers in multiplayer and Spectator mode will also not be available. 

Though the split-screen feature will not be available at launch, that doesn’t mean it won’t ever be added to the game. If Microsoft and Turn 10 see that there are enough players requesting the feature, then they might include it in a future update. Split-screen gameplay is a fun way to play racing games, as it certainly brings a lot of excitement when playing with friends in the same room. So,  players can certainly hope that the developers will include this feature in Forza Motorsport soon.

Forza Motorsport is set for release on October 10 on the Xbox Series X|S, PC, and Xbox One via cloud streaming. While you’re here, check out our guides hub for another popular Xbox game, Starfield.

Payday 3 Crossplay Guide: Is Payday 3 Cross Platform?

Payday 3 is back for players to engage in high-stakes gameplay with a new bunch of missions and stories. With this new installment of this renowned shooter series, fans will be looking to team up together and pull off amazing heists with their buddies, be rich, and live the high life. One of the key aspects of Payday 3 is teamwork, so having a feature like crossplay could be really beneficial for those who are not on the same platform as their other friends. So, let’s take a look at whether Payday 3 supports the crossplay feature or not.

Is There Crossplay in Payday 3?

Fortunately, Payday 3 owners will be able to enjoy the crossplay feature in the game. This means players will be able to play with their friends across the PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, and PC. In addition to this, there is also cross-progression, where players will be able to transfer progress. So, players will be able to play Payday 3 together with their friends no matter what console they are on. Teamwork is key in Payday 3, and having the crossplay feature is a big plus for all the players. This will help in pulling off heists successfully.

To enable cross-progression, players will need to create a Starbreeze account and sign in on their preferred platform. This will make sure your progress is saved whenever you play, and you can then transfer that to any other platform.

To enable Crossplay, you will need to go into the Settings section and turn on Crossplay. If you prefer to play without Crossplay, you will simply have to turn off the crossplay feature. Generally, the Crossplay feature will provide faster matchmaking, but sometimes players prefer to play with people on the same platform as them.

Payday 3 is now available on the PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, and PC. If you’d rather play a new single-player RPG, check out our Starfield guides hub!

The Top 30 Games to Play Before You’re Born

The video game canon may be young, but boy, is it mighty. There are titles that have stood the test of time and call for at least one playthrough over the course of your life: your Metal Gears, your Portals, your Fumito Ueda games. Well, forget about those! We’re not here for them.

We’re here to talk about the titles that, if you haven’t played, gamers won’t even look at you for. We’re talking about the games you better damn well have an opinion on fresh out of the womb. You plebeian. We can’t believe you consider yourself “born,” let alone a gamer.

#1. Super Mario Bros.

This goes without saying, but you need to have played a Mario game before you do anything else. Start by memorizing 1-1. You don’t want to be the jackass wearing Mario merch your aunt got you while knowing nothing about Mario, do you? 

#2. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

On second thoughts, play this one. Mario’s a baby in it. It’ll give you a better understanding of how much of a burden you’ll be the first few years.

#3. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

It’s commonly believed that real-life took heavy inspiration from Breath of the Wild. There’s grass outside, and weather, and you can usually pick a direction and walk in it. By seeing these elements in their original form, you’ll develop a true appreciation for your hometown’s open world design — and you can talk all the other dumb babies’ ears off about it.

#4. Dark Souls

You can be 60 years old and gamers will still call you a baby if you haven’t played Souls. Or, you can “Git gud” as an infant and be crowned the realest adult of all.

#5. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe

This one’s for the lil’ siblings out there. Get some practice rounds in, ’cause big sib’s not gonna hold back. 

#6. Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3

Same deal as above, but for fighting games. I think Super Smash Bros. would be too overwhelming; there’s way more characters and franchises than you can be expected to know at your age. An MvC game, on the other hand, will introduce you to a bunch of Marvel heroes you’ll be expected to know by first grade — and a bunch of game options to look into after birth. 

#7. Final Fantasy VII

Final Fantasy is an anthology series, meaning every numbered entry is self-contained and you can start with any one. WRONG! Before you start, you need to have an encyclopedic knowledge of VII. In fact, you should know everything about VII before you even play VII: What happens to Aerith? Is Gaia Spira? Do we still know Sephiroth?

(Also: It’ll make Remake wayyy cooler, trust me.)

#8. Super Mario 64

Mario 64 was revolutionary for its time — and continues to be a cornerstone for 3D platformer game design to this day. If you’re coming into this world and picking up the hot new game your kindergarten friends are into or some shit, you won’t be able to appreciate how it draws from the OG — which is, of course, essential to the experience. 

#9. Pokémon Red / Blue Version

You need to have the first 151 Pokémon memorized straight out of the womb. They’re on all the merch. Learn to sing the Pokérap by age 3. 

#10. Minecraft

Minecraft also has a bunch of kids’ merch you want to be able to talk about. In addition: If you can understand Minecraft early on in life, your parents will have millions of hours of YouTube to slap on an iPad to shut you up. Do it for them? 

#11. Red Dead Redemption 2

Forget about the M rating and just play it now. Trust me. Prioritize RDR or you’ll be saying “Oh yeah, it’s on my list” for your entire life.

#12. Life is Strange

See? I never got around to this one. But I wish someone had told me when I was young, ’cause the devs are totally right. Life is strange. 

#13. Kingdom Hearts

Picture this: It’s 2025. This trailer comes on for a sick new game featuring your favorite Disney characters. You’re psyched!!! But here’s the catch: You need to play ALL the older ones to understand it. I’m just trying to give you a head start here. Go in release order and you’ll be fine…

#14. Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

No, seriously. Really get that head start. 

#15. Fortnite

I’ve heard literal eight-year-olds wax poetic about the good ol’ days of Fortnite. Bro. You are eight. How long could it have been? Unless…

#16. Five Nights at Freddy’s 

Y’all really have been gaming since infancy, huh? What does a six-year-old mean when they say FNAF “really fell off?” When were you around that it was “on?”

#17. The Last of Us Part II

Everyone and their mother is expected to have an opinion on this one. If the mother hasn’t passed that on to their child, is she even parenting?

#18. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

If there’s two things Star Wars fans love, it’s (1) hating Star Wars, and (2) namedropping Darth Revan. Imagine how jealous the other kids will be when they pull out their Boba Fett lunchboxes and you pull out your 42-page dossier on why Revan is the GOAT.

#19. Overcooked 2

Twins in utero? No problem! Go for a 4-stars run on this one and you’ll come out as an unstoppable duo.

#20. Hollow Knight

Get in on this one early! Baristas have been extra nice to me because they’ve seen me in a Hollow Knight shirt. Being an HK fan is the closest I’ve come to experiencing what folks call “pretty privilege” — and I want that for you too while you’re growing up.

#21. Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 2

Trust me when I say: This is the most efficient way to gain a comprehensive understanding of Dragon Ball Z without sitting through the whole 200+ episodes. Now, this is important: You wanna make sure mom gets you 2, not 3 (You don’t have friends yet, so it’s not like you need the bigger roster). BT2 is the only one that takes its time with its story and fleshes out the details. 

#22. Donkey Kong Country

This is the definitive game for inducing nostalgia from before your time. It doesn’t matter when you came into this world; when you lived; when you left it all behind. Its soundtrack has been with you since your conception, and it will be there with you at your end.

#23. Assassin’s Creed II

Speaking of premature nostalgia: Maybe Ubisoft is onto something. Maybe genetic memory is a real thing. Maybe it’s your dad speaking, not you, when you say, “Ezio was the peak of the series. Everything after has been downhill.” 

Good. Now say it again. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not; you’re getting so much street cred with the older kids.

#24. Yakuza 0

Here’s another head start to a long-running series for you. This one’s literally numbered 0! It’s like it was made for you. Born people can start with 1 or Kiwami. 

#25. Final Fantasy XIV

I hear it gets really good after 400 hours. This way, you can get to Heavensward as soon as you’re born!

#26. Halo 2

It doesn’t matter how “Before Your Time” this one is. Gamers will just start reminiscing about Halo 2 apropos of nothing. I did not have an Xbox growing up and never have I felt more left out than when my friends would just start… chanting. Dude.

#27.  A Google Doodle

Okay, we have a whole lot of pop culture trivia in there. Should probably invest some general knowledge in you too, eh?

#28. What Remains of Edith Finch

The first test of every person’s life is whether or not they cry the moment they’re born. Play this one, and you’re guaranteed to pass. 

#29. Shadow of the Colossus

Okay, I know what I said about Fumito Ueda’s stuff — but this one really is essential at any stage in life and literally ends with [Spoilers]. You can replay it after being born, and it’ll offer a fascinating perspective. Make us a video essay about it!

#30. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim


Todd Howard recently announced Skyrim: Womb Edition, so you really have no excuse anymore. This is the must-play RPG. The only reason we ranked it #30 is that it takes like the full 9 months to beat — and we want to be realistic about your time.

 

Agent 47 Misses Obvious Pass Interference While Disguised as NFL Referee

FOXBORO, Mass. — NFL fans, players, as well as officials from the International Contracts Agency were incensed that while disguised as a referee, Agent 47 missed an obvious pass interference call that not only blew his cover, but cost the New England Patriots the game as well, sources report.

“How the fuck do you not call that” a furious DeVante Parker declared during a post-game conference. “[Kader] Kohou practically tackled me before the ball even got there, any first year pee-wee ref could see that was a pass-interference. Plus, who the hell was that bald asshole anyway? One of the line-judges just inexplicably disappeared during halftime and next thing we know this creepy dude is taking over for him.” 

“Half the time he just kept walking away from the field and didn’t even seem focused on the game,” Parker added.

Officials from the ICA were also quick to denounce 47’s error and noted the Agency’s commitment to professionalism.

“I’m not at liberty to comment on an internal matter, but I assure our clients that appropriate action will be taken,” remarked Diana Burnwood, a senior official with the ICA. “Our agents are trained to act with the utmost level of professionalism and preparation. They are expected to have a rudimentary of any profession they might disguise as and to miss what, at the very least, was a defensive hold is simply unacceptable.”

Reached for comment, Agent 47 defended his behavior as within normal protocol for both the NFL and ICA.

“It was late in the 4th Quarter, whatever happened to just let them play,” the noted Assassin asked. “First of all, any contact that might have occurred during the play was incidental and not impeding the receiver. Also, it’s debatable that that was even a catchable ball anyway. As for ICA, did they forget why I was there in the first place? I think we’re being a bit pedantic here.”

Agent 47 ended his remarks by stating he stood by his call and that this had nothing to do with him being a lifelong Raiders fan. 

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