New Team Rocket Employee Unsure About Mandatory Midriff Policy

Posted on by Beck Barnes

CELADON CITY, Kanto — New Team Rocket recruit Wyatt Perry was surprised to learn about the mandatory crop tops mentioned in the dress code section of the Team Rocket Employee Handbook.

“’All Team Rocket Grunts will be administered two pairs of slacks, one pair of boots, one Team Rocket cap, and five Team Rocket crop tops (three short-sleeve and two long-sleeve) as their daily uniform’,” said Perry, 19, reading directly from the handbook he was given during New Grunt Orientation. “’Grunts are required to always wear this uniform when acting on behalf of Team Rocket. What the hell is this? This wasn’t mentioned when I interviewed.”

Perry wanted to make it clear that his discomfort with this policy was out of concern for safety, and not about his sense of self-image.

“I’m not uncomfortable with my body by any stretch of the imagination,” he said. “I work out and stuff. I just think it’s impractical for the job we’re doing. I’m supposed to be kidnapping three-foot Beedrills with stingers as long as my forearm, and you expect me to do that with my stomach exposed the whole time?”

Giovanni, leader of Team Rocket, asserted that the uniform requirements were out of budgetary necessity.

“We have a very high turnover at the entry level,” he said.  “And crop tops require less material to make, so we lose less money handing them to a grunt who quits two weeks later because they can’t handle getting shocked by a Pikachu every day. It’s really the only way we can stay in business.”

Perry’s attempt to bring these safety concerns to HR’s attention were less than successful. “It turns out that Team Rocket’s HR department consists entirely of one talking Meowth.”

The Best and Worst Simulator Games for PC Players Who Won’t Leave Their Houses

Posted on by Christian Harrison

PC players get a bad reputation sometimes, but that’s usually okay because they’re too busy debugging their game to hear it. With the range of different hardware and other tools out there, it’s never been easier to purchase or put together some semblance of a gaming PC and generally rise above the console wars.

That being said, it’s a whole lifestyle that will see even the most promising of altar boys turning into a hunched-over ghoul clacking away at a keyboard for eternity. With the range of games that promise to simulate the world’s most mundane tasks, a promising PC player never has to leave their home to feel the joy of power washing a deck or doing construction work on a run-down house.

It’s not all boring, though, as simulator titles also offer opportunities, like many games, to live a different life and try things you may not otherwise have the budget or opportunity to do. It’s a fine line that those who make these games often tread, but some feel like they were made with genuine love and appreciation for the craft it’s simulating.

This article will go over the best and worst PC simulator titles that give you a look into another life and occupation so you know what to avoid and seek out based on your personal preferences. Some of these may even make you swear you left the house. 

Best: Farming Simulator

If you’ve never experienced the joy of baking under the heat of the Alabama sun in the middle of your family’s corn and green bean fields, then you’ve never experienced joy. Thankfully, you can do it the easy way in the Farming Simulator series of titles, which serves as a weird intersection of marketing for John Deere equipment and informational farming gameplay.

The most recent release across all consoles was Farming Simulator 22, which was released late in November 2022. It introduced new functions like allowing players to manage animals, grow new crops, and even customize their farmer to make the simulator more immersive. Factor in the modding and player support for these games across the internet, and there’s a lot of content to appreciate.

Like most simulator games, Farming Simulator also has the benefit of being boring as shit most of the time. This means that players can throw on their favorite podcast or simulated internet radio and get to choring around the farm. It ain’t glamorous, but it’s an honest day’s gaming. 

Worst: Ranch Simulator

As someone who genuinely loves animals and would love to own some form of small ranch in the future, I was so excited to log into this game with a friend. However, it had launched in early access with maybe two features and almost no animations. Everything feels stiff, too, from the activities all the way to the animals themselves. It was not worth the price at that time, but this was a couple of years ago and worse games have certainly been redeemed since.  Here’s hoping a full release as a stable experience is in the future once developer Toxic Dog smooths out all the bugs (and pigs and cows and goats and horses). 

Best: American Truck Simulator

The trucking network in America is the backbone of the country. The brave men, women, and non-binary of the trucking industry ensure that we can get pizza rolls and Sprite whenever we want, just as the Founding Fathers intended. It’s probably one of the under-respected industries, with most serial killer mysteries involving them as an easy suspect. For Shame!

The Truck Simulator games are known for being some of the most relaxing in the entire industry, at least according to my buddy John from high school. I’ve played with him a few times and it was always fun to just sit back and drive our route together while catching up about things that had happened to us in life recently.  I like to imagine that the freedom to just pick up a job and drive is what attracts many to the trucking life, with these titles even letting you create a whole business and fleet of trucks. You can even get NPCs to run deliveries for you, making it as much of a management simulator as it is a relaxing driving game. Now they just to add an update where you can murder hitchhikers! 

Worst: Police Simulator: Patrol Officers

Oh, to be a government employee responsible for making sure that the poor and broken of society get treated worse than their own criminal peers. If you go out of your way to play a game that’s called Police Simulator and it’s not even the cool parts like hostage negotiation or detective work, but patrolling, I’m gonna put your name in a book somewhere for later… just in case.

The game mostly involves pulling over people for minor traffic infractions before potentially arresting them. It does a good job of justifying these arrests and kind of whitewashes all of the dirty parts that are actually involved in police work. If developer Aesir Interactive adds a new mode where you have to cover for your partner who murdered a Black man in cold blood, it might be a bit more realistic.

Listen, not all people who play the Police Simulator are bad people, but enough of them have been found the be absolute pieces of shit that fit the description. It’s like 40 percent I read somewhere. Be safe out there, NPC drivers.

Best: PC Building Simulator

Imagine if you spent a few hours building your PC on top of the cost of who-knows-how-much to purchase the components. Does anything sound more fun than immediately booting it up and building custom PCs in PC Building Simulator? On the other hand, those who bought pre-made computers can see how much they could have saved for the same specifications.

Mostly, it just serves as a great way for PC players to fully hone in on their obsession and superiority complex. I wouldn’t expect you to get it, what’s your rig running on? A 2090 XXXTentacion GPU and i23 flux processor? Yeah, that’s what I thought, loser.

There’s a sequel that just released last year on the Epic Games Store, but the original can be found on Steam, with all the DLC offering a lot of content at a discounted price that’s a fraction of what a new monitor would cost. 

Worst: Lawn Mowing Simulator

Whoever thought that it would be a good idea to force gamers to touch grass the whole time in this title didn’t understand their audience. Sweeping in among a fresh wave of new simulator titles, Lawn Mowing Simulator is a faithful enough job at giving players a job and letting them loose in a world to do it. However, it’s about as dull as watching grass grow.

While one might not expect much from a game that’s about mowing lawns, there is something relaxing about it that transfers from real life to this title. Because of that, it’s a great game to help you chill out, and one I even enjoyed more than PowerWash Simulator at first. Lawn Mower Simulator even had the opportunity of being on Xbox Game Pass, but even that wasn’t enough. Sadly, it’s been a year since the last major update from Lawn Mower Simulator, with the yard of the game’s community being overgrown and uninhabitable in the time since.

Breaking: YouTuber Just Pronounced That Word Wrong

Posted on by Kevin Podas

SEATTLE — In the middle of a 90-minute video essay outlining the “shocking production history” behind the movie Space Jam, a YouTuber very clearly mispronounced a word that you know how to say correctly, sources have confirmed. 

“Hold up, did he just say ‘laytmotif’ instead of ‘leitmotif’?” read one comment from Destroyer49. “How does he not know how to say that word? Even I know how to say that word. And I’m just some dumb guy commenting on a YouTube video!”

The YouTuber in question, Toaster Tim, issued an apology following the public display of humiliation.

“I apologize to all of my fans and subscribers for letting you down like this,” began Tim’s statement. “I should have not been a dumbass, and learned how to say that word correctly. The worst part is, I’ve apparently been saying it wrong my entire life. I have a lot of people to call up and apologize to personally. I will do better.”

Responses to Tim’s apology were varied.

“This apology isn’t good enough,” read a post from Twitter user John Cum. “You clearly will not do better. You clearly will continue to go on and hurt your fanbase by mispronouncing all sorts of words throughout your entire career. How quickly have we all forgotten the time you pronounced the ‘L’ in ‘salmon’? Or what about when you recommended that viewers clear their ‘cashay’ on their internet browser every month? No, you will be stopped– or my name isn’t John Cum.”

At press time, Toaster Tim was seen with a dictionary on camera, finding and practicing words he wasn’t familiar with just in case.

10 Other Politicians We Thought Were Already Dead

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

The news of Senator Dianne Feinstein’s death caught many Americans off guard today, as they’d assumed the 90-year-old senator had passed away earlier this year during a senate vote. With that in mind, here are ten more politicians we were shocked to discover still have a pulse.

#1. Joe Biden

I don’t buy into the bigger picture right wing conspiracy stuff at all, but I swore I saw this man die on a bicycle once – did that not happen? Mentally I’ve been living under the Harris Administration for years. I’ve been hiding my weed.

Oh god I just remembered I’ve posted a Facebook status celebrating having a black president again.

#2. Mitch McConnell

Again, not big on conspiracy theories, but I watched this man die two times already this year. That can’t be good for him.

#3. Nancy Pelosi

I thought Nancy Pelosi died? My uncle showed me a video that said she died four years ago and a series of robots were resuming her place. I’m willing to believe it’s bullshit, but please excuse me if I don’t tell my uncle.

#4. Jesse Ventura

I guess he survived the Predator after all. Very cool!

#5. Bob Dole

Oh wait, you know what? Yeah. Bob Dole is dead. Sorry. Moving on!

#6. The Boss (Saints Row 4)

Between all the aliens and super powers and crazy shit, I thought The Boss died. But I looked it up just now and there’s actually a few different endings and he lives through all of them, and I guess he even cryogenically unfreezes Jane Austen in one of them. Whoa! I thought she was dead, too!

#7. Kane/Glen Jacobs

Burned in a horrific fire, but somehow survived and ended up becoming the Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee since 2018.

#8. Michael Haggar (Final Fight)

Did you know the guy from Final Fight was a mayor? Remember that the next time you hear any politician say they’re going to “Clean up the streets.” Not like this hoss you’re not.

#9. Cowboy Oligarch Elon Musk

I swore I saw a picture of his body prepared for an open casket funeral where someone had mistakenly placed his beloved cowboy hat on backwards.

#10. Me, The Writer

I swear to god I thought I died while playing Dark Souls III. Also, I was class president of my high school.

Epic Claims They Could’ve Saved Those 900 Jobs if You’d Just Bought Some More Dances and Skins

Posted on by Corey Arbor

CARY, N.C. — Following a layoff of nearly 20 percent of their staff, Epic Games, the creators of smash hit Fortnite, said the largest factor was you personally not buying more skins and dances, sources have confirmed. 

“Some are saying the reasons for these layoffs are exuberant CEO salaries and a series of reckless acquisitions we overspent on,” said Epic CEO and founder Tim Sweeney, shortly after announcing the layoffs. “But that’s not it at all. It’s your fault. You, the gamer reading this. When was the last time you brought something to this arrangement? We are modern Robin Hoods that stood up to Apple that one time and give you a bunch of free stuff, when was the last time you spent money on buying one of the hundreds of pre-existing character skins in our shops, each carrying a license we spent multiple employees’ salaries on acquiring!? Why don’t you buy one of the many dances we pilfered and changed just enough from online creators while you’re at it?! There was literally no other option we could see but to send over 800 employees, who just helped us have some of our most profitable years, into the chaos of joblessness in an already-crowded market.”

Gamers were saddened to learn of their hand in the recent layoffs. 

“Man, I figured it was the normal wave of executives punishing the people whose labor provide them their salary,” said local Chris Oliver. “But it turns out I should’ve really bought that John Wick skin instead of merely talking about how cool I thought it was. Now here I am with hundreds of people’s unemployment status on my conscious. That’s my bad, guys.” 

As of press time, when asked why Sweeney didn’t simply retain employees and cut the pay of executives responsible for poor fiscal planning, Sweeney made a verbal offer to purchase Hard Drive. 

What’s the Worst RPG on Every Generation of Xbox?

Posted on by Christian Harrison

Microsoft, like its console competitors, had a strong presence in the computer world before it ever started thinking about getting into gaming. It’s had a long and successful history since then, even if Phil Spencer currently oversees the largest expansion and most legal complications since the company was founded, all while smiling like the kid who took your lunch money. 

Role-playing games have always been at the core of gaming, with immersive worlds and engaging stories. While Xbox has had a number of RPG hits through the years, from Fable to Starfield, it’s had just as many titles that have shown limitations or poor quality control, which should come as no surprise from the company that brought us Windows 8. Here are the worst RPG’s on every generation of Xbox console. 

Xbox: Dinotopia: The Sunstone Odyssey

Dinotopia: The Sunset Odyssey is probably the closest thing we got to Ark: Survival Evolved before it was released, with the player taking on the role of a family stranded in the titular dinosaur-infested land. It’s a fairly interesting concept, as leading man Drake Gemini tries to defend his new home from pirates (and dinosaurs).  The actual visuals look dated, even for being on the first generation of Xbox, and the minimal UI was outdated even then. With every repetitive “Uhh,” that the enemy lets out when you strike them, it’s easy to see why this title was critically panned for being lackluster, and just a poor experience for anyone with an original Xbox console.

This sucks because if this game was any good, childhood me would’ve gone absolutely nuts to fight against pirates and threatening species of Dinotopia. As it stands, however, this is but one more disappointment on this long journey into the grave. More like The Stone Cold Bummer Odyssey, I’m afraid.  

Xbox 360: Two Worlds

I’m not going to lie, this one hits even closer to home for me because I spent what little allowance I had buying the boxed edition of this game. I thought, that because it was a boxed edition, it must be a good RPG, along the lines of Oblivion and Morrowind, which my cool older cousin had shown me. My friends, that was the day I learned of my own hubris. 

It’s just a really boring game that thinks an open world and monsters make for a Bethesda Softworks-worthy title, and it definitely doesn’t. The animations are stiff and incredibly repetitive, with enemies flinching the same way every time they’re hit, and it features one of the more lackluster combat systems you’ll find in this generation of games. The UI also seems like it wanted to be realistic and give a feel of tabletop RPG games, but it was mostly just really boring, and not even fun-boring, like Kingdom Come: Deliverance.

Xbox One: Toro

Bullfighting, one of the worst traditions in entertainment, isn’t a great idea for a game, being based on a barbaric activity that seems relevant only to an ever-shrinking community in Spain. It’s not even a good representation either, as the bull and custom player characters in Toro just move stiffly beside one another, with no real flair or artistry to make the game interesting.

I’m not kidding, the entire premise of the game is trying different passes to get a better score and applause from a stadium of NPCs. While it’s not a fantastic game, it’s good to know that those who enjoy the torture of those animals will have something to turn to when the rest of the dwindling audience realizes watching bulls being tortured is pretty messed up. You’ll always have Toro on the Xbox 360, you sickos. 

This game makes me laugh every time I look at it. This came out on the Xbox One, a console released just a decade ago, way past the point that games looked and played as simple as this. While it might not be your idea of an RPG, it is definitely my idea of a game bad enough to be on a list like this. Anyone that has a problem with that is invited to stiffly run at me while I awkwardly shuffle out of your way.  

Xbox Series: Redfall

I was unfortunate enough to have to play this game to write up some guides, but was thankfully fortunate enough that I did not have to write an in-depth review of it. There were whispers that players shouldn’t expect much from Redfall ahead of release, but I kept my mind open until I actually played it. At which point it didn’t run well on any system we used and was pretty flat in gameplay, which was tragic for being an Arkane game. They’ve made some truly amazing games, so it was largely a disappointment when it released and drew speculation about whether or not executives had their mitts in the game after having been acquired by Xbox in 2021. I think in 2023 we all have our answer. 

There are so few redeeming qualities in Redfall that I could literally lose access to it from my account and not notice. It’s just hard to explain how much that game irritated me as I struggled to get it to function long enough to get a guide or two out on my PC and Xbox. Regardless, it wasn’t an enjoyable experience and I’d like to forget it exists now, forever. Thank you. That’s my review. 

Check out our Best and Worst RPG’s on Each Generation of PlayStation!

Sora Accused of Lowering Standards by Wearing Hoodie and Shorts in Presence of King Mickey

Posted on by Will Carnevale

DISNEY CASTLE — Sora, an adventurer known for his heroism in the ongoing Organization XIII conflict, has found himself at the center of a debate over the unwritten dress code at Disney Castle.

“It’s one thing to wear such casual garments in combat against the darkness,” royal adviser Yen Sid told reporters at a courtyard press conference following a meeting with King Mickey and his allies, including Sora, “but wearing them around this esteemed castle, especially in the presence of the king, is a breach of decorum, and lowers royal standards at a time when they should be at their highest.”

Though Yen Sid has historically refrained from making public statements—rarely even straying from his tower—Sora was unsurprised that his manner of dress had compelled the normally reclusive sorcerer to speak out.

“This is just more of the same from Yen Sid,” said Sora. “Every time I see that guy, he gives me a new outfit with slightly longer pants. Donald gets to run around with no pants at all, but I wear clothes in front of His Majesty that Yen Sid himself picked out, and that’s a bridge too far. At this point, he should drop the pretense and give me one of those red apprentice getups he loves so much. Nothing like freeballing under a robe to bring some class back to Disney Castle.”

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather, Yen Sid’s tailors in residence, corroborate Sora’s claims about the origins of his controversial outfits. In fact, the fairies say they have even made at least one similar outfit for King Mickey, to which the king alluded while expressing support for Sora in a statement of his own from the castle audience chamber.

“I have a lot of respect for my mentor,” King Mickey Mouse said, “but the great Yen Sid is wrong on this one. I love two-way zippers, impractical lapels, plaid accents, and fun little straps everywhere. Even on shoes that already have laces. And I’ve never been the kind of king to stand on ceremony, so I fully endorse Sora’s attire and invite Master Yen Sid to join us on the right side of history whenever he’s ready.”

The king went on to say that there are much bigger problems to focus on, like keeping the names and backstories of all the different Xenahorts straight.

James Gunn Reveals ‘Superman’ Reboot Will Be Adapted From That Goldfinger Song

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Filmmaker and new head of DC films James Gunn has revealed that his upcoming Superman film will rely heavily on the lyrics of the popular Goldfinger song, “Superman,” for its inspiration, sources have confirmed. 

“There’s so much material to choose from, I thought it would be fun to go in this entirely new direction,” said Gunn, shortly after appearing with the band on Hollywood Boulevard to make the announcement. “John Feldmann and company’s take on the ‘Superman’ lore has always fascinated me. Here’s Clark Kent, doing everything he can, holding onto what he is. Is he the Superman the red son of Krypton fated him to be, or is he merely pretending? I think every Superman goes through a moment where he wants to throw it all awayyyyy, but ours is just going to have a very ’90s West Coast flavor.” 

The news was met with mixed reactions from comic book fans. 

“Wait, like that song from Tony Hawk?” asked local gamer Joe McNeil. “Look, it’s a great song, there’s no way around that, but is there a two hour movie in there? I mean, There’s not really a villain, besides the singer’s self-doubt. How do you shoot that? Oh man, this is going to be mostly Clark Kent sad about Lois Lane, isn’t it? Great. I will give it the benefit of the doubt though, because Gunn always does such fun stuff with music in his movies. If anyone can turn a three minute ska song into a beloved superhero film, it’s him.” 

Members of Goldfinger were delighted yet perplexed by announcement. 

“This song has nothing to do with DC Comics or the Superman character,” Feldmann clarified. “It was a song I wrote in my 20s about the growing feelings of alienation and depression that are common amongst so many of us. It was later immortalized in the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video games, and it’s generally one of the more well-remembered ska songs from the third wave of the late ‘90s. I’m not sure how he’s gonna fit Lex Luthor in there, but I guess that’s his problem to figure out.” 

“Who cares?” asked Gunn in response to Feldmann’s skepticism. “That shit slaps.”  

Paper Mario Partners Ranked by How Suitable They Are as Wrapping for Raw Meats and Fish

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

To finish off September’s Direct, Nintendo unveiled a trailer many 30-and-older Mario fans never thought they would see: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is getting a from-the-ground-up remake for the Nintendo Switch set to release sometime next year.

Over the years, the fandom has argued over the direction the series has taken — simplifying gameplay, removing RPG elements, and changing the combat system from game to game. A pocket of gamers have yearned for a new title that would follow the core of what they consider the peak in the lineup. TTYD is cherished for it enriching story (for a Mario game) and its lovable cast of characters. Of all features removed in later entries, the partners system has been the most missed. And while Origami King kind-of, sort-of brings it back, it’s not quite what it was in the first two games. 

But now with Nintendo announcing a remake of TTYD for the Nintendo Switch, fans are thrilled to come home to an old favorite and have new hope that the next entry may be an even greater return to form. In honor of this latest announcement, we’ve compiled a list of our favorite partners from the series (specifically Paper Mario on Nintendo 64 and Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door). We’ve ranked them not by their combat viability, nor by their personalities or impact on the story. No, we’ve ranked them by how appropriate your local butcher would find these paper companions at wrapping raw meats and fish. Enjoy!

#15 — Sushi

This is just animal cruelty. Please don’t wrap this cheep-cheep around the butchered carcass of her slain brethren. I can’t in good conscience place her any higher on the list.

#14 — Parakarry

Plain and simple, the paratroopa’s feathers will contaminate the steaks. This is no good. Unless of course you’re hatching some sort of credit card/airline mile scam. In that specific case, bump this frequent flyer to the top of the list.

#13 — Watt

Watt is a floating lightbulb. Not only is she one of the smaller partners — unable to wrap large cuts of meat — but she is hot to the touch. You want your brisket to start cooking in the fridge? I don’t think so.

#12 — Lady Bow

This aristocrat from beyond the grave would huff at the suggestion of getting her hands dirty and aiding a working class butcher. But more concerning, simply making contact with the meat runs the risk of both the paper and its contents going invisible. Hope you remember where you set down that branzino.

#11 — Vivian

With the evil-turned-good Shadow Siren, you unfortunately run the same risk of making your meat disappear. She ranks higher on the list than Bow because you’re better off hiring a trans specter of color rather than another wealthy, white member of the Boo-geoisie.

#10 — Ms. Mowz

Ms. Mowz is an optional party member. She is also an optional parchment for any Italian pork store to have on hand. Her flirtatious nature may get some customers in the door, but they won’t be returning after they realized she lifted their wallets with Kiss Thief.

#9 — Bombette

She is a time bomb. At any moment, she could explode — instantaneously cooking and shredding your meat to bits. This can, however, be used advantageously for pulled pork sandwiches.

#8 — Kooper

This is your middle-of-the-road pick for paper. Kooper is medium in size and has an adventurer’s spirit to take on any task at hand — no questions asked. Today, that task is have his thin body folded around some tilapia. Go get ’em, tiger.

#7 — Yoshi Kid

While small in stature, he may not be able to wrap around the largest meats. However, the player’s option to name the Yoshi kid along with their ability to be born in seven different colors could prove lucrative for labeling different cuts of beef.

#6 — Goombario

Goombario has encyclopedic knowledge of all his targeted enemies, including the various meats and fish his body is pressed against. He’s a walkin’, talkin’ Best-By date that can let you know exactly when that hunk of halibut in the fridge is about to spoil.

#5 — Goombella

Goombella is the same deal as Goombario except her ponytail gives her a noticeable bump in size to cover even larger cuts. A porterhouse perhaps.

#4 — Admiral Bobbery

This ship captain has been seasoned by the salty air of the open sea. This incidentally does a fine job pre-seasoning the filet while preserving it better than his unsalted peers.

#3 — Koops

At first glance, you may think he’d be pretty much even with his previous game counterpart, Kooper. Taking closer look at his move set, you’ll see one key difference. Shell Shield — typically used to encase and protect Mario from incoming attacks — is actually pretty well insulated. It makes for a great cooler.

#2 — Madame Flurrie

Purely from a surface area point of view, the cloud spirit actress from the Boggly Woods will get you the most bang for your buck — so long as you’re cool with that sirloin you just purchased having huge bazongas. 

#1 — Lakilester

This cool-guy lakitu has a seemingly infinite arsenal of paper spinies to hurl at enemies — or to wrap all your cold cuts. Lakilester doesn’t even need to be the butcher paper himself. Instead, he’ll be the one behind the deli counter asking you, ” What’ll it be, boss?” and “Is this thin enough?” when you call on him for your pound and a half of Genoa salami.

Elon Musk Attempts To Rename ‘Diablo’ on Stream, No One Listens

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — During a recent livestream of the popular action role-playing game Diablo IV, Elon Musk made an unsuccessful attempt to get everyone to call it something else, sources have confirmed.

“Okay hear me out guys,” said Musk, the current owner of, um, “X” (formerly Twitter, and almost certainly Twitter again someday). “See how this game is filled with raging hellfire? What if we started calling all of the Diablo games Blaze? Wouldn’t that be so cool? I think Blaze is a much stronger name than Diablo. If you don’t believe me, ask my son Blaze Java Musk. Will you also ask him why he doesn’t talk to me anymore? Anyways, we’re calling this game Blaze now. It’s going to be so epic.”

Those tuning into the Musk’s livestream had a mixed reaction to his suggestion of calling the Diablo series of games, popular for decades, something else entirely on a whim of his.

“You can’t really do that, and you shouldn’t really do that,” said one viewer on Twitch. “I mean, you can personally call a thing whatever you want, but to think you can just change everyone’s mind about what to call something? That’s just a special kind of having your head up your own ass. I actually admire it in a way. But seriously, you can’t control what people want to call something. Ask your kid with the name like a Mega Man password what they call him when he starts going to school. You’ll see.”

Others, however, saw the rechristening as the latest work of astounding genius by Musk.

“Masterful grasp of the human language, as always sir,” said a different Twitch viewer, who’d lost his life savings and family over his insistence that NFT’s were the future. “’Blaze’ is a much stronger, more powerful name. Don’t let the majority of these viewers who are laughing at your every instinct discourage you. They’re just jealous of your willingness to fail in front of the entire world as often as you do. Bravo, my brave leader. Also, the word ‘Blaze’ reminds me of the Tesla I used to drive before, uh, something happened to it, so that’s extra cool!”

As of press time, the only people calling the game Blaze were doing it sarcastically.

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