Attention All Deckbuilding Sickos: You Gotta Play Cobalt Core

Ever since falling in love with Slay the Spire around 4 years ago, I’ve been trying to find a deckbuilding game that can in some ways live up to it. After popularizing, if not inventing, the roguelike deckbuilding genre, many games have tried to emulate its success. Cobalt Core, a new game developed by Rocket Rat Games and published by Brace Yourself Games of Crypt of the Necrodancer fame, gives me more of what I love and blazes its own path in the roguelike-deckbuilding subgenre.

In the gameplay department, fans of Spire or other deckbuilding games will feel entirely at home. When you start a run, you’ll get to choose three pilots to man your ship. These pilots will determine what cards will be available to you throughout your run. Each pilot has their own specialty, ranging from building shield, risky offense, or using drones to do your dirty work for you. Some of these specialties will be familiar to fans of the genre, but others are pretty unique to the genre.

Speaking of “unique to the genre,” Cobalt Core’s ship system is perhaps what makes it feel most fresh. Instead of fighting with a character or party of characters, you fight in ship-vs-ship combat. It seems minute, but this adds more to manage: you can move your ship to dodge attacks, target weak points, or get behind cover. I didn’t know how much of a change this would be, but playing for myself, a surprising amount of depth gets added to the combat from this seemingly-minute change.

Instead of trying to just build up shield, you can use movement cards to dodge out of the way. You could block the attack with a drone. You could use a stun attack to prevent the enemy from acting. There’s a myriad of possibilities, depending on the combination of pilots and ship you choose.

The presentation is just as creative as the gameplay, too. A cute pixel art style is accompanied by a synth-heavy soundtrack. Usually, playing a deckbuilding game is my opportunity to catch up on podcasts or listen through some Spotify playlists. However, I more often than not found myself zoning out to the chill battle themes and humming along in this game instead. It’s easily the most stylized deckbuilders I’ve played in recent memory.

The writing in Cobalt Core complements that presentation well, with a lot of conversations to be had between pilots, your ship’s AI, and the numerous fun NPCs you meet along your journeys. There’s also a bit of a story to the game that, admittedly, I haven’t found the time to see to its end. However, as you complete cycles and learn more about the mysterious time loop and titular Cobalt Core, it seems like there’s some interesting things to learn. The story & writing probably won’t be the main attraction that keeps you coming back, but cute banter between your crewmates is a fun extra cherry on top of some of the incredibly fun package.

Overall, after roughly 15 hours of playtime, Cobalt Core stands out in a crowded year as one of my favorites, evoking things I love about roguelikes and giving me new features to appreciate, too. If you love Slay the Spire, play Cobalt Core. If you like roguelikes, play Cobalt Core. If you’re a fan of cute animals, play Cobalt Core. Really, you should just play Cobalt Core. It’s out on Nintendo Switch & Steam right now, and it’s perfect for portable play.

A Steam code for review was provided by Brace Yourself Games.

ACTUALLY: This is Dr. Mario and This is Dr. Mario’s Monster

Video game discourse on the internet is a slippery slope. Passionate gamers will leave their blood, sweat and tears in the comment section fighting for their correct opinion. But there is one argument that needs to be sealed away once and for all: Dr. Mario is the Doctor, and Dr. Mario’s Monster is the protagonist of the mainline Super Mario games. 

For years I have argued with misinformed gamers about this certain reality. How else could “Mario” jump that high, run that fast, and grow that big without years of genetic modifications carried out by Dr. Mario? Dozens of surgeries and experiments have been conducted to turn the once ordinary plumber into a Koopa killing machine. 

It’s true that Dr. Mario’s Monster is the main character of the story, but calling him “Mario” is an insult to the brilliant man behind this marvel of scientific engineering. A trailblazer in gene splicing tanooki and elephant DNA with humans to create the modern super soldier. 

This isn’t to say we agree with the actions of Dr. Mario as he pushes the limits of the human condition. Like Sisyphus, Dr. Mario’s Monster is forced to endure endless torture. Constantly having to rescue the “princess” is nothing more than an immortal punishment for the Doctor’s man-made abomination. 

The Super Mario series is an exploration into the danger of scientific endeavors left unchecked. Shigeru Miyamoto has authored a modern day Frankenstein story set in a fantastical world of stars and mushrooms. Casual gamers who refuse to read between the lines will forever make a fool of themselves when referring to “Mario” in Reddit threads and Discord servers alike.

So do your part, and spread the word to every gamer you know: Dr. Mario is the Doctor, and Dr. Mario’s Monster is the guy in the red hat.

‘Simpsons’ Writers Confirm Homer Will Now Only Beat Bart With a Belt

After a staggering 30 years on television, beloved adult animated series The Simpsons is retiring the running gag that has had viewers in a chokehold since its debut. Going forward, Homer Simpson will no longer be wrapping his fingers around his mischievous son’s neck. Instead, they’ll be securely clutching the black leather of his belt as he beats Bart senseless.

“I’m happy to move on,” said Matt Selman, showrunner of The Simpsons. “Homer strangling Bart — this was an adequate way to discipline children back in the 90s. But that simply isn’t enough anymore. Kids today are always on their damn phones. It takes a more deliberate beating with lasting bruises to get them to listen up.”

In a recently aired episode, Marge remarks how proud she is of Homer for no longer strangling the boy. This occurs during a conversation in which she gifts her husband a new belt without blood on it.

“We’re okay changing with the times,” stated Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer Simpson for 35 seasons. “A few years back, we got called out for having a white man voice the Indian immigrant storeowner, Apu. Now, my colleague Hank Azaria is more than happy to rectify that situation by recording all his lines in brownface. Standards evolve and people can too.”

At press time, the official The Simpsons Twitter account tweeted a post encouraging artists drawing incestual fanart to only depict choking among the family members as consensual.

Hard Drive’s Gift Guide: The Best Nintendo Gift Ideas

It’s that time of year: the holiday season is upon us! Luckily, the last bastion for hard-hitting gaming journalism has you covered with all the gifts you need for the Nintendo fan in your life, complete with affiliate links to each product so you can get the product quickly, and we can profit off of your kindness. Whether the beloved Nintendo fan in your life is 6 years old or 60 years old, something in our Nintendo gift guide will surely be for them!

A Nintendo Switch

Apparently, this thing is sticking around.

New Pair of Joy-Cons

Let’s be real, the pair on the console you just bought is already three months away from Joy-Con drift.

Rollerdrome

It isn’t available on any Nintendo consoles but the game fucking whips, so you should buy it anyways. For yourself and any gift recipients.

Waluigi Copyright Claim Tee

What, you thought we weren’t gonna shill for our merch store in a gift guide?

Joy-Con Racing Wheels

It’s a fun little experiment to see what it would be like for The Mountain to drive your car.

Mario + Rabbids: Sparks of Hope

Find out what happens when two of God’s biggest mistakes make a game together!

Nintendo eShop Gift Card

It’s just easier this way, Mom.

The Legend of Zelda: Korok Torture Room Simulator

There’s a different name on the box, but the sentiment is still there. No game has done the torture genre better before or since!

Super Mario RPG Remake

Finally, we can find out if the doll that weirdos think should be in Smash Bros. actually deserves it.

Nintendo Switch Pro Controller

I would personally call this “the required controller if you ever want your hands to be comfortable,” but I guess that didn’t roll off the tongue as well as “Pro Controller.”

Steam Deck

The system with the best virtual console support I’ve ever seen, and Nintendo didn’t even put their names on it. Crazy!

Pikmin 4

Miyamoto said he’s personally holding your loved one hostage until you buy this as a gift for them. An unorthodox strategy, but hard to deny its effectiveness.

2 Tickets to Super Nintendo World

Get this for your significant other and put the pressure on them to buy the flight and hotel. Playing the long game with this one!

Joker/Sora amiibo

Adjust appropriately for if your nephew is more of a “silent protagonist” or “I fight for friendship” kind of kid.

Pokemon Cards

It’s only a matter of time until react YouTubers make their value skyrocket again. It’s like savings bonds with pretty pictures!

Super Mario Wonder/Super Mario LEGO

If you’re buying for your kid, you either won’t get to play your own Switch as much, or you need to step everywhere in your home with caution. Pick your poison.

Xbox Game Pass Subscription

Maybe this will make Dillon finally realize that Xbox rules and Nintendo drools!!!

Fortnite: Transformers Pack

Sure, the game is free to play, but just seeing “Fortnite” and “V-Bucks” on the box will be enough for the younger gamers.

4K TV

Be prepared, as this will be your beloved Nintendo fan’s first time seeing in a resolution above 1080p.

Casting in the Zelda Movie

Miyamoto told us in an exclusive interview that whoever Venmos $200,000 to @parkj0hn will get casted in whatever role they want in the Zelda movie. First come first served, though, so be sure to send your money fast if you want Tingle!

Cities Skylines 2 Money Guide: How to Make Money Faster

Want to make money faster in Cities Skylines 2? Balancing your city’s budgetary needs is always going to be your biggest concern in a city simulator, and there are plenty of ways to rake in funds. This Cities Skylines 2 guide will list all the methods you have at your disposal to keep the city coffers filled.

How to Make Money Faster in Cities 2: Raise Taxes

Of course, this is the first thing you ought to do. While this is a quick fix to economic woes, you need to balance it out by ramping up the tax rate over a few months, rather than in one fell swoop. This is a careful balancing act as it can lead to unforeseen problems such as a mass exodus of businesses and residents, as well as widespread destitution and homelessness. Higher taxes should be a very short term fix to a negative monthly city revenue, and you should pivot to other solutions as soon as possible.

Cities Skylines 2 Money Guide: Services’ Budgets

Found under the Services tab, in the Economy menu, the budgets for every city service from Roads to Landscaping can be individually tweaked. While you can cut down heavily on expenses by reducing the budget for a given service, be aware that doing so leads to employee redundancy which in turn lowers that particular service’s performance or quality over a period of several months, which should give you some breathing room in the short term, but cannot be sustained over the long term without damaging Cim satisfaction with your city.

Parking Fees

That tried and true tactic, just like in real life, parking fee income should especially be your go to as of right now during the launch of the game, because you can comfortably impose the highest possible fee of $50 currently without any repercussions from Cims. Whether it is intentional design or simply a bug, doesn’t matter, but this applies to both roadside parking and lots.

Exporting Utilities: Make Money Fast in CS2

Cities run on the two most basic of needs–electricity and water, and if you have them in excess, some city somewhere else could do with their supply. Early on, Coal and Wind sources will suffice for generating electricity for export, but maximum efficiency for your operating costs will be achieved with a Geothermal Power Plant. Once you’ve set up the grid connections, funds will just trickle in with no further effort from you.

That is every way to game the system to make money faster in Cities Skylines 2. Check out our guide on how to address the “Not Enough Customers” issue in Cities Skylines II, which you’re sure to come across at some point in the game.

John Cena Begins Coding ‘Banjo-Threeie’ As Part Of Fan’s Make-A-Wish

TAMPA — Professional wrestler John Cena has begun programming a sequel to the beloved 90s platformer Banjo-Kazooie as part of his work with the Make-A-Wish foundation, sources close to the WWE icon confirm.

“The original plan was Unity, but I watched a few YouTube tutorials for Godot and now I’m feeling more confident about it” said the two-time Royal Rumble winner, hunched over his laptop. “I managed to get this cube to jump yesterday, so that’s a good start.”

When asked about his knowledge of the Nintendo 64 classic, Cena stated he had been unfamiliar with the game until a few weeks ago.

“I was always more of a SNES guy, and 3D platformers were never really my thing” he said, whilst reading through a beginner’s guide to the modelling software Blender. “But when I talked to Archie, and I saw his eyes light up speaking about Banjo, I knew I needed to give this kid a sequel. No spiritual successor, no compromises.”

The child in question, 32 year-old Archie McKnight, was shocked and touched by the lengths the Blockers star was willing to go to for him.

“Yeah, I mean we’d only really been talking for five minutes before he decided he was going to make Banjo-Threeie for me,” said the terminally ill gamer. “I was wearing a shirt with Banjo on it and he asked me about it, and then he just shook my hand and said he’d be in touch. He’s been emailing me weekly dev logs and says he’s targeting a 2026 release. It’s nice of him to do this, but I can’t help but feel like he’s missing a pretty major issue here.”

At press time, Cena has been attempting to hold crisis talks with Phil Spencer regarding the legality of the project.

Cities Skylines 2 Performance Issues: How To Fix

Are you having performance issues while running Cities Skylines 2 at an acceptable frame rate? As anticipated, given its pedigree, Cities Skylines 2 has been chugging on even the best hardware currently available. This guide will attempt to optimize performance with some tips and settings.

Windowed Fullscreen Versus Fullscreen

Switching between these two settings should be your very first step to bettering frame rates in the game. Now, your mileage may vary, as one or the other may work better for you and your setup. Switch between them, and test out some gameplay before proceeding to the next fix.

V-Sync

Another setting for which your own experience may vastly differ from another player. Test the game with V-Sync turned on or off before settling on a choice.

Quick Fixes – Cities Skylines 2 Performance Issues

While the game will run fairly well early on, when your fledgling city is still developing, the late game is going to weigh your PC down quite a bit. Your first step should be ‘Level of Detail’ (LoD) which you should dial down to ‘Low’ ideally. LoD determines just how complex the models are, as well as texture quality at all zoom levels. Since you’ll be spending most of your time zoomed out anyway, the trade-off in visual fidelity for the biggest boost in performance among all possible tweaks, is well worth it. Do not use ‘Very Low’ as that leads to more loss in the graphical experience for not much fps gain.

Additional Graphics Settings – Cities Skylines II

 

 

Turn down the following settings which will not affect your gameplay experience, but will enhance your frame rate.

Depth of Field mode: Disabled

Clouds Quality Settings: Low

Volumetrics Quality Settings: Disabled

Global Illumination: Disabled

Reflections Quality: Low

Depth of Field Quality: Disabled

Motion Blur: Disabled

Shadow Quality: Low

Water Quality Settings: Medium

Cities Skylines 2 Quality Performance Tips

Once you’ve achieved a desired frame rate, and want to claw back some visual fidelity at the cost of a few fps, you can gradually turn up some settings. Begin with restoring some shadow quality, then add some reflections, and finally water quality. Don’t bother with clouds, which you’ll never notice, nor Global Illumination which is only really impressive at night, but not really worth the fps hit.

And that’s everything to know about getting the best performance out of Cities: Skylines 2 for PC. Check out our other guides for Cities: Skylines II including rezoning and removing zones, rotating buildings, and changing road direction.

9 Pieces Of 60’s Nostalgia Only 90’s Kids Will Remember From References They Didn’t Get On ‘Animaniacs’

If there’s one thing animators and TV writers know, it’s that young children love snappy, Hollywood insider references to things that happened when their parents were still in high school. And let’s be honest: no one did it better than the Animaniacs! Here are nine classic Animaniacs references that will make millennials feel even older for knowing them!

#1 — Andy Warhol

What is the true value of art? As a nine year old in 1998, you probably never pondered the question before. But for the rest of your childhood you would be pondering that pop art silkscreen print of the “Goodfeathers” from season 3 episode 15.

#2 — The Graduate

Slappy the Squirrel’s attempts to seduce a gopher Dustin Hoffman resulted in millions of film school students going “ohhhh” twelve years after it aired.

#3 — The Dick Van Dyke Show

Who could forget that classic episode where Rob pretends to be someone else so he can flirt with his own wife over the telephone? Not nineties kids, because they never knew about it in the first place. But they’ll always remember wondering why everything was in black and white when Pinky and The Brain parodied it in their episode: “The Two Faces Of Pinky.”

#4 — Barbarella

When a heavily caricatured Animaniacs version of Jane Fonda walked into the table read for Barbarella 2 and immediately started hawking workout tapes to the producers, nineties girls everywhere experienced the thrill of learning you don’t need to get the joke to understand that sexism is alive and well.

#5 — M*A*S*H

Hellooooooo field nurse! Nothing says childhood like being introduced to the concept of PTSD by a pun about potatoes and the feeling that you’re missing something.

#6 — The Assassination of JFK

In the episode entitled “Reuben Missile Crisis”, Dr. Scratchnsniff’s attempt to open a sandwich shop is thwarted by the Warner siblings who soak his bread delivery with water pistols. When Dot misses, Yakko takes aim from a second location. In true Animaniacs fourth wall-breaking form, he then turns to the camera and remarks: “I wonder how many reports they’ll commission about this,” prompting multiple theories among the show’s young audience that there may have been more to the episode than the official canon would have us believe.

#7 —Ed McMahon

All children of the nineties will remember the iconic “hiyooo!” of That Weird, One-Off Turtle Character.

#8 — Vietnam War Protests

Learning that your country is not the bastion of freedom and righteousness you were taught it was can sting. But if you grew up in the nineties, you always knew the United States government was not to be trusted thanks to the four minute Animaniacs musical segment “Cheese Of Destruction”, in which a flower child Wakko Warner stages a sit-in at a dairy farm run by Lyndon B. Johnson. You may not have known exactly what kind of war crimes were being referenced, but when you learned about them later in life you were not surprised.

#9 — Getting So Fucking High

The Summer of Love just wouldn’t have been the same without a brainload of LSD. And Saturday morning cartoons wouldn’t be the same without a nation of puzzled eight-year-olds trying to figure out what Dot meant when she told everyone at the Golden Globes afterparty not to eat the brown canapés.

Goodnight everybody!

Employer Doesn’t Understand Why D&D Character’s Attributes Can’t All Be Maxed

CLEVELAND — After failing to grasp the general concept of RPG tabletop gaming, restaurant owner Garth Chibley has used magic to summon a fictional character of his own creation into the real world for disciplinary action. The fast food franchisee attended a Dungeons and Dragons game night with his employees as part of a mandatory corporate team building exercise and was distraught to learn that his character could not max out more than three of his six attributes.

“This is unacceptable”, said Chibley as he closed the summoning circle in the back room of Rockin’ Goblin Games and Collectibles. “I expect every member of my team to give one hundred and ten percent across the board. Maximum strength is no excuse for reduced dexterity. We need to be slaying at an average of 1.7 hits per monster if we’re going to meet our adventuring quota.”

Kor Lloyalenn, Chibley’s level two high elf paladin character, was initially confused at being hurled across dimensions into a strange new world of harnessed lightning and chicken sandwiches, but his confusion turned to utter bafflement when he learned that he was expected to exhibit excellence in both intelligence and wisdom for just five gold per hour, short rests unpaid.

“I have bested the giant yagnoloth, raided the Fortress of A Thousand Screams, and survived the Great Slugmarsh War,” said Lloyalenn, “But I do not believe I have the constitution to merc for this idiot man. He has proclaimed himself High Regent of the Light Arts, yet he knows not even how to cast Magic Missile. How did he even acquire the magic to bring me here, is he what your kind call a ‘nepo-baby’?”

Chibley inherited the mysterious summoning scroll he used to meet his recent hire from his grandfather, along with his Clucky’s Fried Feast franchise and three million dollars.

“I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am today and I only hire people with the same all-in attitude,” said Chibley. “If a character can’t perform the simple task of simultaneously fighting, charming, outwitting, outmaneuvering, outlasting and casting spells on an Ancient Golden Dragon without taking any damage, well then maybe the Clucky’s family just isn’t the right fit for them.”

At press time, Chibley was attempting to write up a D20 for non-compliance.

Gamer Relating A Bit Too Much To Silent Protagonist

BLOOMINGTON, Ill. — Gamer Todd Newton has recently begun overly-identifying as Link, the silent protagonist of the video game The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, sources close to the situation have reported.

“He’s always been a bit shy, but now it’s gone too far,” childhood friend Laurie Gunther said. “He just stares blankly at me as I talk, his wide eyes glazed over as if he were mashing a metaphorical A-button to get me to shut up. After I’ve finished, he usually shakes his head yes or no, even though most of the time I didn’t even ask a question! I think he’s going for a whole stoic thing, but it can definitely be a bit frustrating to deal with at times.”

Newton’s parents have shown concern for his ability to slip into the quiet character’s shoes so easily.

“Our son has always been overwhelmed by his video games,” mother Tanya Newton proclaimed, tears rolling down her eyes. “But now he has gone completely nonverbal. We should have gotten him something where he can fit into a pre-existing character role like a Final Fantasy or something. But no, his father said that turned-based games are boring. So, we never get more than an occasional grunt or hiyah from our boy.”

Even the creators of the character have realized their grave error.

“When we decided to make Link silent, it was to ensure that the player could input their personality into the character,” Legend of Zelda developer and director Takashi Tezuka said. “However, we should have known that some people may have extenuating circumstances, or at worst, no personality at all, thus creating a feedback loop of silence that we’ve yet to penetrate. Hopefully, when we unleash the Switch-U, our newest Zelda game will fix this issue by including a Link that never shuts the fuck up. Everyone will love it.”

At press time, Newton refused to reply to our questions, instead opting to roll around us and smash our equipment on the floor.

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