YouTuber Starting to Think 7-Hour Video Essay Going to Take Longer Than 7 Hours to Produce

Posted on by Mackenzie McGee

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — A YouTuber five hours into producing his new seven hour video is reportedly starting to think he’s going to need a little more time to finish it, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh man, where does the time go,” asked local YouTuber Miles Barr, after researching and writing the script for his newest video, but before shooting, editing, or posting anything. “It’s getting late already and I really thought I’d be almost finished with recording by now, but I just finally got my mic to stop being weird. I’m starting to think I won’t get this 400-minute video up tonight after all like I promised I would in my Discord server. Looks like everyone that responded to me was right.” 

The aforementioned Discord users reportedly were confused by Barr’s intentions to script, produce, record, cut, and upload a seven hour video in more or less seven hours. 

“Even if he was livestreaming something, that would be a hassle,” said Jo Beckwith, who couldn’t remember why she was in Barr’s Discord community . “But no, he thinks he’s going to make a ranking of every single Dragon Quest game and have it done before bed tonight? There’s no way. Especially the way he keeps asking us questions in Discord. I don’t mind helping people out, but he seems way in over his head. That last question he asked was ‘What is stereo? Is it new?’ Honestly, I feel bad for the guy.” 

YouTube executives warned aspiring videographers against having unrealistic expectations regarding the production of successful YouTube content. 

“We don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea,” said Susan Wojcicki. Chief Executive Officer of YouTube. “It takes a lot of work, dedication, and patience to become a successful YouTuber. You don’t just turn on your camera, shoot a seven hour video and upload it. That’s no way to get followers. Oh, unless you’re screaming about gender or children’s bathrooms. Then you can just let it rip. But guys like Miles here would do really well to rethink their approach to creating content for our platform.” 

As of press time, Barr had let everyone know he didn’t think the video would be up until tomorrow morning, possibly the afternoon. 

Nintendo Announces “Super Mario Movie Maker” Since Everyone Thinks They Can Do Better

Posted on by Ben Friedman

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo revealed an unexpected piece of software today, Super Mario Movie Maker, an exciting new game that will give everyone that was so critical of the recent animated film a chance to make their own, seeing as how they’re all so smart, sources confirmed. 

“That sounds amazing,” said local gamer Phil Colbert, who was disappointed with the Super Mario Bros Movie when it released earlier this year. “I love that they’re giving you full control over every aspect of your own Mario movie. You can record yourself doing the voices, and it doesn’t even matter if you sound like Mario or not! And if you can add any obvious soundtrack choice you’d like with just a push of a button! Oh, I can’t wait. I’m gonna make a better movie in like 30 minutes with this thing.” 

Despite the enthusiasm the announcement was largely met with, developers said that players would soon realize the true difficulty they’re signing up for. 

“Finally, players can quit complaining about the Mario movie and make one of their own,” said Yosuke Oshino, director of Super Mario Movie Maker. “Players will be free to choose from good CG, bad CG, hand drawn, or live action, which features the holographic work of Captain Lou Albano. Many players think that these tools alone are all one needs to successfully adapt perhaps the most popular video game of all time in a way that pleases a majority of the fanbase, but brother, they’re just getting started. Be my damn guest if you think you can do it in a way that video game fans will appreciate.” 

As of press time, someone had reminded Yosuke Oshino about Sonic the Hedgehog‘s reception.

Man Canceling Netflix Subscription Tired of Supporting Exploitative Corporation That Doesn’t Even Have ‘The Office’

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS GATOS, Calif. — A local man has proudly canceled his Netflix subscription, saying he can no longer in good conscience support a corporation that treats its writers and actors so unfairly and doesn’t even have The Office anymore, sources have confirmed. 

“Between systematically manipulating and exploiting their creative workforce and no longer having my favorite sitcom available to stream, I can no longer support Netflix,” said longtime Netflix subscriber Jack Burkhardt, joining striking SAG-AFTRA and WAG members on the picket line outside of the corporation’s headquarters. “Writers, actors, and viewers all deserve fair compensation! Why are my rates going up and the level of content going down? Why does CEO Ted Sarandos get an eight figure salary while the stars of his shows are living off of pathetic residual checks? Why did Michael leave after season seven? These questions all deserve answers, and shame on Netflix for not providing them.” 

Burkhardt’s wife supported the cost cutting measure. 

“I will miss being able to throw Seinfeld reruns on easily, but I think we’ll be okay without Netflix,” said Jennifer Burkhardt, Jack’s wife. “On top of not wanting to contradict Jack when he gets in one of his moods, I’m sure I’ll be able to find something to watch on Peacock, Hulu, Max, Disney+, Paramount+, PlutoTV, or Tubi. And if all else fails, they still show Seinfeld reruns on one of the local channels every night. So yeah, fine by me if we no longer pay 20 bucks a month to keep watching the same three seasons in the middle when it got really good. Why don’t we just buy the DVD’s or something?”

As of press time, when asked if it had been pretty hard to cancel his subscription, Burkhardt replied “That’s what she said!” and ran around looking for someone to high five him. 

15 Insane Real Life Stories About Oppenheimer That the Movie Didn’t Include

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer is filled with crazy moments that are ripped right from real life. But even if your movie is 3 hours, you can’t fit EVERY detail in your movie. Here are 15 insane real life stories about Robert Oppenheimer that Nolan wasn’t able to fit in his hit biopic.

#15 — He kept insisting the bomb was “bonkers”

Apparently Oppenheimer got really into using the word “bonkers” and tried to force it into every conversation he could. He’d be like “yoo it’s straight bonkers that we’re making a bomb right now” all the time. But the word wouldn’t be popularized until many decades later.

#14 — He had sex with Florence Pugh

In the movie, Oppenheimer has sex with a character played by Florence Pugh named Jean Tatlock. But in real life, Oppenheimer had sex with the actress Florence Pugh, who has been roughly 21 or 22 since the 1940s.

#13 — He hung dong

Despite rumors, Oppenheimer did not show his entire penis on the IMAX screen in Christopher Nolan’s new film. In real life, however, Oppenheimer often was nude below the waist — either when he took showers or when he had to pee or poo.

#12 — He was a member of the “dirtbag left”

The Oppenheimer movie certainly goes into the scientist’s connections to the Communist Party. The movie, however, does not include his time making a podcast with members of the party called “The Bomb Cast” where Oppy and his boys talked shit about the current state of politics and wondered what famous figures would sound like if they were gay.

#11 — He was the director of the Manhattan Project

Had to pee really bad in the middle of the movie so I actually don’t know if they covered this, but Oppenheimer actually basically invented the atomic bomb. Crazy!

#10 — He once got into a fist fight with Heisenberg

Oppenheimer and Heisenberg got really really drunk one night before World War 2 and decided to decide once and for all which of the two would win in a straight up fist fight. Although the victor has been lost to history, this fist fight contributed greatly to the arms race between the U.S. and the Nazis years down the line.

#9 — He couldn’t read

Oppenheimer never learned how to read in any language. The only languages he understood were science, death, and love-making.

#8 — He fucking loved science

Oppenheimer fucking loved science and often shared memes and images with his friends that said as much. 

#7 — He only had one of those hats

In the film, there’s a terrific scene where Oppenheimer dons his iconic suit jacket and hat. In real life, however, Oppenheimer wore that hat every single day for 40 years. Friends and family begged him to wash it or buy a second hat, but Oppenheimer refused. The hat was disgusting and smelled horrible.

#6 — He and Albert Einstein were more than friends

Oppenheimer and Einstein briefly dated, although decided to split it off mutually after just a month. According to wiretaps by the FBI, Oppenheimer once said to Einstein, “let me see what you can do when you stick out that tongue.”

#5 — He was really into CrossFit

In order to stay in-shape at Los Alamos, Oppenheimer got super into CrossFit. Despite the U.S. government trying to shut down the growing movement, Oppenheimer held secret meetings with other scientists to try to get them involved in the new fitness craze. Eventually, Oppenheimer lost security clearance with the government due to his connection to the CrossFit movement.

#4 — He was Bill Nye’s father

On November 27, 1955, Oppenheimer’s wife gave birth to William “Nye” Oppenheimer — now more famously known as “Bill Nye.” Nye did everything he could to separate himself from the legacy of the atomic bomb, but he can never outrun what his father did during World War 2. Oppenheimer coined the phrase “inertia is a property of matter,” however.

#3 — He once locked himself in a screening room for four months, eating just chocolate bars and peeing in bottles

This MAY have been Howard Hughes, but I’m pretty sure it was Oppenheimer. It’s definitely one or the other. But it’s probably Oppenheimer. Whatever.

#2 — He loved Dragon Ball Z

The two atomic bombs were named “Fat Man” and “Little Boy” but Oppenheimer originally insisted they be called “Majin Buu” and “Young Goku.”

#1 — He can never go to Japan

He wasn’t banned or anything, but he is dead.

30 Insanely Brilliant New Ideas Elon Musk Has for the Company Formerly Known as Twitter

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Elon Musk announced today that the social media platform Twitter, which bought last year for $44 billion, will be changing its iconic name to “X” and use a unicode symbol as its logo, despite the fact that it cannot be trademarked. Naturally, we and all of Elon’s devoted fans want to congratulate on such a terrific business move. Here are 30 more insanely brilliant new ideas that Musk is bringing to the company in the coming months.

#30 — Make the button to delete a post say “Tweet”

Now if you wanna make a post, the button to release it onto the website will say “X” and the button to NOT release it onto the website will say “Tweet”

#29 — Get his wife and children to love him again

Analysts are unsure how changing the iconic social media site’s name to X will convince his children to respect him as a father, but Elon seems to be working closely with Chat-GPT to get the job done.

#28 — Horses for everyone

There will be a fun new game on the website where anyone who gives Elon Musk a sexual favor will be gifted a horse at some point.

#27 — Expansion into banking 

Soon you’ll be able to give Elon Musk as much of your money as you’d like! Very cool. Hopefully getting money out of your account won’t have that weird Twitter glitch where a bot sends you a picture of porn every single time.

#26 — An “Instagram” section

Now that Instagram has a Twitter section, Twitter will have an Instagram section where users can post photos of themselves with captions. Experts predict that by 2025, all websites will be exactly the same.

#25 — More hilarious memes

Musk has announced that no matter what you do or how much you pay for the site, every third post on your X feed will be a meme from 2007. 

#24 — Screenshots of tweets

Bluecheck users will now be sent money for screenshotting viral tweets and posting them on their own accounts with a caption that just says “😳”

#23 — Fully sentient in 3 years

Musk promised that in just 36 months the application will be self aware, and the fully AI-powered application will be able to make your wildest dreams come true, yes, including sucking your dick. 

 #22 — Bringing Donald Trump back

Elon has reportedly been trying to get former President Donald Trump back on the platform by creating a space every day where, for one hour, only Trump is allowed to post and it has to be about celebrity gossip.

#21 — Fighting Mark Zuckerberg

Elon announced today that he has plans to finally fight Mark Zuckerberg using a new strategy where he breaks into Zuckerberg’s house and shoots the Meta CEO in the head with a gun while he sleeps.

#20 — Will change app’s name to “XXX” for a day at some point 

Musk will then explain to his dedicated fanbase that this used to be shorthand for pornography 50 years ago. 

#19 — Announcing that he is the creator of the company

By the end of 2023, Elon Musk will officially be the founder of X, and therefore, Twitter.

#18 — Bartering economy 

Musk confirmed that X will no longer be just a social media platform, but will also let users trade goods and services. If you want to trade 4 car tires for a used gaming computer, you can send your item to the X headquarters, and they will send you the item you want back. Musk insists this is more efficient than the current economic system.

#17 — Everyone can say anything they want on the platform 

So long as it’s about liberals, trans people, communists, and racial slurs.

#16 — The Singularity

Using AI, everyone will eventually merge with X and all of humanity will become one single mind, instantly capable of understanding everything about one another. Unless you don’t pay $8 a month for the website, in which case you get to just stay the same.

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New Assassin’s Creed Just Gonna Let You Go Crazy in Present Day Times Square

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MONTREUIL, France — Ubisoft revealed the time and setting of the newest Assassin’s Creed game earlier today, and the next installment in the long running franchise will apparently just let players go wild in modern day Times Square, sources have confirmed. 

“You’re gonna be able to do anything you want to these people,” said director Stéphane Boudon. “All of the standard murder stuff, and then some truly sickening flourishes that we can’t even believe they’re letting us get away with. We’ve also toned the story down significantly in this next installment. There’s gonna be way, way less of it. We honestly haven’t even figured out why you’re going to be in New York City, 2023, but we’ll sort that all out pretty soon here. What’s most important is that fans have been asking for this version of Assassin’s Creed and we’re finally gonna give it a whirl.”

The untitled Assassin’s Creed project has sparked interest in many lapsed fans of the long running franchise. 

“Man, I haven’t played an Assassin’s Creed since the pirate one,” said local gamer Cole Parker, who hasn’t played an Assassin’s Creed game since the pirate one. “But if you’re gonna let me walk around a photorealistic Times Square and let me see what sick shit I can pull off, well then, sign me up I guess. I hope they put in some dialogue where it makes it feel okay that you’re running around killing tourists and cab drivers and everyone else. But either way, I’m gonna go for it. Glad to see this franchise get back on track finally.”  

As of press time, Ubisoft had revealed that the upcoming Times Square Assassin’s Creed game would be available in a special edition for pre-order, which includes the bonus option of playing during New Year’s Eve. 

Whoa! Innovative Tears of the Kingdom Players Have Successfully Built an Effective Two Party System

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Months after its release, dedicated players of the latest Legend of Zelda game have reportedly constructed an effective two party system to govern the land of Hyrule, sources confirm. 

“I can’t believe they pulled it off,” said Dawn Colton, the journalist who broke the story. “We’ve all seen the clips of helicopters and basketball hoops that were made from Zonai devices, but I didn’t think people would be able to build things this complicated out of sticks and stones. Wow. How did they prevent the infiltration of gerrymandering and Super PACs? Oh, they just didn’t let it get that bad? That’s fucking crazy!” 

The player responsible for constructing the effective governing body said it was something they’d wanted to try since they started playing the game. 

“I saw the things online that other players were coming up with,” said Peter Lee, the gamer that built the two-party system in Tears of the Kingdom. “Wonderful, fantastical creations, from the deepest parts of the most creative minds. I knew I wanted to try to make something that people truly wouldn’t believe. After my initial plans of constructing an actual black hole that sucked the video game up and inside of itself and ruined the cartridge proved to be too complicated, I decided to go for the next loftiest thing I could: an effective and corruption-free two party governing system, with functional checks and balances and a court that isn’t for sale. I also added some flames on the side so it would look cool, too.” 

Politicians largely disapproved of what they perceived as the latest video game to expose the public to sensationalized ideas and images. 

“This is really dangerous stuff that kids could get their hands on,” said Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema, wearing the worst glasses you’ve ever seen. “Despite it’s E10+ rating, the newest Legend of Link game displays shocking depictions of competent governing and ethical representatives at every level of the political spectrum. Frankly, we haven’t seen something this far fetched and disgusting since Mortal Kombat came out. This time, however, the gaming industry has finally gone too far.” 

As of press time, Congress had banded together to unanimously pass a bill that banned The Legend of Zelda games from all schools and gave them all an extra week of vacation.

Action Movie Director Announces Plans for New Series That Starts Getting Good by the Fifth One

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Famed action movie director Mattie Melton announced a new series of films he is working on called Agent Amazing that will get good by the fifth one.

“Yeah, so the first four movies are going to suck. That’s non-negotiable. But then the fifth one? That one’s gonna completely change the game and blow everybody’s socks off,” Melton explained. “That’s just how movies are now. Whether it’s the Fast and Furious franchise or the Mission Impossible franchise or the new Agent Amazing franchise, you can’t go around putting all the best stuff in the first half of the franchise. What a waste!”

Action movie fans were excited to hear the news.

“Oh man, I love Melton’s movies so this is gonna be so dope. Really excited to suffer through the slog of the first four movies over the course of a decade and then finally get a really awesome fifth one that feels almost completely detached from the origin of the franchise,” said moviegoer Homer Nash. “A lot of filmmakers accidentally luck into having their first good movie in a franchise be the fourth or fifth one, but it’s truly inspired to do it on purpose. And then once it gets good, you can split those bad boys up into two or three parts and you’re printing money.”

“Obviously I haven’t seen it yet, but I really hope some of the characters from the first and second movies come back around the sixth and seventh movies in a way that is totally unrecognizable,” said critic Andy Boyle. “That’s where the craft really comes in. In the first movie, sure maybe that character is bland and boring to watch. But when they show up again for one scene ten years later? It’s like, holy shit. They remembered that it was in the movie! That’s very exciting to see.”

At press time, Warner Bros announced plans to remove the first four movies from whatever their streaming service will be called right before the release of the fifth Agent Amazing.

Every ‘Dead by Daylight’ Killer Ranked By How Likely They Are to Celebrate Christmas

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

The multiplayer survival horror megahit Dead by Daylight has been out for seven years and amassed a group of 32 iconic killers, an impressive mix of iconic slashers and original villains with terrifying lore of their own. The internet abounds with information, theories, analysis, and strategies regarding the killers, but somehow no one has dissected who among them would be most likely to celebrate everyone’s favorite holiday, Christmas. Well, maybe not everyone’s favorite!! Check out the list below:

32. Freddy Krueger,  “The Nightmare”

Despite his jovial nature and nice sweater, Freddy would actually be paranoid about Christmas. He doesn’t trust when a bunch of townsfolk get together with the same thing on their mind, and honestly, do you blame him? I sure don’t. Freddy skips Christmas every year, and it’s probably for the best, as wrapping presents would be a logistical nightmare for this slaughterer of innocent children, due to the claws on his fingers.

31. Kazan Yamaoka, “The Oni” 

If you told Kazan you were having some people over for Christmas and he was welcome to stop by, he’s likely to give you this big reaction about “Oh hey thanks no one ever invites me to this stuff and I can’t wait.” But don’t believe him. It’s all bullshit. He just wants to execute as many people he doesn’t believe to be true samurai as possible, which is probably going to be everyone at your Christmas party.

30. HUX-A7-The “Singularity”

HUX-A7 is an AI-powered android that is ten times as strong as a human. He was programmed to appear human, and is familiar with the human routines, but since Hux has no heart, he can never know the full joy of Christmas. Hux might appreciate some classic holiday music or something like that, but his continued goal of eradicating all of humanity won’t be undone by a big bowl of eggnog anytime soon. Probably best to avoid Hux around the holidays, or in general really.

29. Danny Johnson, “The Ghost Face”

There’s been more Ghost Faces than James Bonds at this point, and I gotta say, this particular one probably isn’t too keen on celebrating Christmas. Setting aside the obvious fact that pretty much everyone on this list is more of a Halloween type, Danny in particular is primarily a stalker and a killer. Even if you didn’t know about his nighttime murder hobby and invited him to a Christmas celebration, he’d probably mumble some unconvincing lie, even though everyone could tell he was clearly just gonna go stalk someone. That’s just Danny for you. 

28. Albert Wesker, “The Mastermind”

Wesker was just a guy once upon a time, before being infected with a virus and becoming determined to spread it to the rest of humanity. Give him a bottle of cologne or something for Christmas and he’ll take an extra minute and think about what his life would’ve been like if the interview at Goldman Sachs had gone as well the one at Umbrella Corp. Then he’ll feel real bad for not buying you anything, and honestly, probably kill you. Wesker hates Christmas because it offers him a fleeting glimpse into his sacrificed humanity. What a dick.

27. The Demogorgon

 

This Stranger Things import is a creature made of teeth that runs merely on killer instinct. It brings to the table no nostalgia for Stephen King, Dungeons & Dragons, or the shopping malls of the 1980s, and feels no emotions whatsoever. It really just likes devouring people. Impossible that it could somehow celebrate Christmas, but if tamed, the Demogorgon could make for a fun Christmas decoration or something. It’s all red and needle-y. You could do something with that.

26. The Dredge

Hmm, what do you even get a teleporting manifestation of the collective dark thoughts of a brainwashed cult? This one seems like it might be complicated to sort out, but when you think about it, a big pile of body parts and skulls and disproportionate limbs is in no way able to comprehend or celebrate Christmas. Even if you lured it over to a get together or something, it’s just going to break stuff and leave a smelly mess behind. Personally, I’d ignore The Dredge over the holidays, and if they call you out about it, just lie and say you thought you’d heard that they were Jewish.

25. Anna, “The Huntress”

Anna was a good kid once upon a time, she just had some bad breaks and ended up spending too much time in the woods. Could have happened to any of us. In this current moment, she’s kind of apathetic about Christmas, just because it’s not on her radar. If you gave her some hot cocoa and let her watch some Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, she’d probably fall all the way in and become one of those off putting ‘Christmas all year’ people, the same way she got really into hunting before that.

24. Frank, Julie, Susie, and Joey, “The Legion”

This group of juvenile killers would definitely be into coming over and having Christmas together, but they’d also have to check with their leader Frank to make sure it was alright. Ugh, it’s so annoying. Just be kids for one day! Then you can go back to your little half-assed knockoff of The Strangers. Probably okay if they don’t show up, though. Not sure if I should get these kids one present or four.

23. Michael Myers, “The Shape”

Obviously Mike’s not going to wrap presents or sing Christmas carols or anything, but I think if you vaguely resembled his sister and handed him a Christmas present, he might have some little moment where he stared at it and remembered what it was like to be a kid, just for a second. He’d probably turn his head a little sideways. You know that move? This would probably only last for a few seconds before he dropped it and went back to trying to stab you, but it’s something. Personally, I would run like hell after I gave him that present. Lord knows Mike Myers didn’t get you anything in return.

22. Sally Smithson, “The Nurse”

Before her husband was killed and she took a job working at an asylum that twisted her all up mentally, Sally definitely used to celebrate Christmas. These days though, it’s tougher to say. Which is a shame, because her ability to teleport makes her the most Santa Claus-like member of this group I’m evaluating (if you don’t count Leatherface’s portly figure). If she decided to get into it, she could be the star of the Dead by Daylight Christmas, but alas, she saw too much stuff in that asylum. Sally doesn’t care about Christmas at all, I’m afraid.

21. Jeffrey Hawk, “The Clown”

Jeff is just a piece of shit murderer that is trying his ass off to blend in as a clown, so he absolutely would celebrate Christmas. It’s part of his cover. Still though, this sicko has a weak constitution, and his old ways would almost certainly creep out depending on how long everyone was getting together for. He’s the guy most likely to show up to the Christmas party with good intentions and snap halfway through and start killing everyone. What a scrooge!

20. Adiris, “The Plague”

Adiris is from a large family and a religious background, so she can’t even fathom a world without Christmas. Plus, when you’re cursed with an internal plague, it’s nice to have something to look forward to. She’s even polite and refrains from talking about the disturbing things she’s seen priests do during her years of helping them out with their “ceremonies.” That would really ruin the mood while everyone’s trying to watch Elf.

19. Elliot Spencer, Pinhead, “The Cenobite” 

Pinhead would get a kick out of showing up to the White Elephant exchange with his little wrapped cube and sit there trying not to smirk. Everyone sees through it though, and knows it’s his little device that unleashes unspeakable pain onto the world. No one picks it and Pinhead ends up with his own gift and he pouts for the rest of the Christmas party. Still though, that doesn’t mean he didn’t try!

18. Amanda Young, “The Pig”

Amanda from the Saw movies isn’t that far removed from a normal 21st century American life. Not as far as like, the fucked up twins born in the 1800s, for example. Although potentially clouded by years of drug abuse and subsequent years of being the chief representative of a mentally ill serial murderer, there’s still some Christmas spirit down there somewhere, I bet. Throw on Love Actually and give her some wine and see how fast she ditches the pig head and starts quoting her favorite parts!

17. Rin Yamaoka, “The Spirit”

Rin’s father killed her mother and tried to murder her as well, so she would really appreciate being asked to participate in something that feels like something a normal kid would get to do. Nothing good result if this were to actually happen, but from a rhetorical standpoint, I think Rin Yamaoka would be pretty into getting together for Christmas and doing something.

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Elon Musk Renames Twitter After Relationship With His Wife

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk announced today that he is renaming social media site Twitter “X,” a reference to the status of his relationship with singer Claire “Grimes” Boucher.

“I’ve always believed in grand gestures. I think Grimes will really appreciate that I’ve renamed my prized jewel after her and then she’ll see I’ve loved her all along,” Musk reportedly told one of the 15 or so employees left at the company. “And then the real work begins: popping out as many weirdly-named babies as we can to take control of the post-apocalyptic landscape with le most epic army of memelords of all time!”

Fans of Musk were quick to commend the tech CEO in the replies of his announcement, while those disagreeing with the decision were nowhere to be seen, likely due to the fact that they aren’t paying the social media site a monthly fee for more visibility.

“He’s done it again! Elon Musk is a true super genius,” said one blue check user. “Twitter is my second love after my own wife — but seeing how well Elon has done after commandeering this ship, I’d certainly let him have my beautiful Irene as well! Elon, please DM me if you’d like to have sex with my wife too and fill her up with your incredible seed.”

“Great job with this launch, sir,” said another blue check user. “I really hope there’s an option on the new X to have AI automatically write all our posts. That will really make the website easier to use for some of us who have been having to go into Chat-GPT, send it a prompt, and then copy and paste it back over. If I tried to write one of these myself, I’d think I’d [the comment had a ‘read more’ button here, but we elected not to click it.]”

When asked to comment, Grimes sent us a photo of a tattoo across her leg that she said was a statement on the matter, written in an “alien language.”

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