CINCINNATI — A weekly meetup where a group of friends gather to drink alcohol and enjoy one another’s company was once again spoiled by the introduction and uncontrolled use of board games, confirmed multiple buzzed sources.
“This night used to be about a bunch of buddies getting together and bonding over a shared interest in booze,” said Will Reid, who hosts the gatherings at his house. “Now it’s just dice roll after dice roll until they all blur together. As the night goes on, people start getting belligerent. Actual fights have broken out over different interpretations of the rules. Hell, Kenny doesn’t even come around anymore. He developed a board game problem in college and says this isn’t a safe environment for him anymore.”
Mark Hardin, whose wife Kristina attends the weekly get-togethers, said he has grown increasingly concerned as the night’s focus shifted from beer to gaming.
“I was happy when it started,” said Hardin, who explained that he enjoyed having some alone time to work on his car. “Kristina would meet up with her friends after work on Thursdays and have a couple of beers as they caught up about work and life, that sort of thing. She’d be home in time to tuck our kids into bed, laughing as she shared her friends’ stories with me. Nowadays, she’s out until all hours of the night. It’s the worst when they play Twilight Imperium. There have been Friday mornings when I’ve woken up alone.”
Professor Norman Underwood, a gaming epidemiology researcher at Northwestern University, said that the issue is hardly limited to Reid’s group.
“After the lockdown, we saw lots of people eager to re-establish connections with their friends and loved ones,” said Underwood, who stressed that there is no safe amount of board gaming. “They started organizing these drinking nights as a healthy, harmless way of rebuilding relationships. Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time before some well-intentioned invitee brought along their copy of Settlers of Catan without thinking about the consequences. Even some more savvy groups might be fooled by more recent games like Drinking Quest. Really, without early intervention and board game safety education in the schools, we’re just going to see this sort of thing continue to spread and worsen for decades.”
At press time, Reid and his friends were excitedly gathered around his kitchen table, ready to sample an exotic board game that one of them had brought back from a trip to Germany.
It’s a Drinking Game and a Tabletop RPG! Drinking Quest: Belch of the Wild now on Kickstarter! Belch Today!
Want to know how to catch a Ditto in Pokemon GO? This master of disguise hails from the Kanto region and was introduced to the mobile title in 2016. Unlike the main series of games where Ditto’s primary purpose is to produce a litany of Poke-babies, its job in Pokemon GO seems to be annoying players in search of it. Here’s how to track it down.
How to Catch Ditto In Pokemon GO (July 2023)
Ditto makes use of its ability to morph into other Pokemon to remain largely undetected. Developer Niantic will regularly rotate out which Pokemon Ditto can disguise itself as. Armed with the knowledge of what the disguises could be, it falls to trainers to nab each and every single one they see.
Once the Pokemon has been captured, if it is in fact a Ditto, the capture screen will say “Oh?” instead of “Gotcha!.” At that point, the disguised Pokemon will morph into the Transformation Pokemon.
All Current Ditto Disguises (July 2023)
Corphish
Diglett
Grimer
Litleo
Roggenrola
Snubbull
Starly
Tympole
Ditto Stats, Moves, And Bonuses
Unfortunately, this Pokemon isn’t great for combat. It’s primarily captured to round out the Pokedex, or for folks that have an adoration for the pink pile of goo. Its primary attack, Transform, will turn it into a copy of the opponent’s Pokémon.
Base Stats
Attack: 91
Defense: 91
Stamina: 134
Possible Moves
Fast Attacks:
Transform – Normal – 0 Power
Charged Attacks:
Struggle – Normal – 35 Power
Elemental Bonuses
Resistant To:
Ghost
Weak To:
Fighting
That’s all there is to tracking down and capturing a Ditto in Pokemon GO. If you’re the kind of aforementioned player that is all about pink Pokemon, check out our guide on how to get Sylveon in Pokemon GO.
With the Screen Actors Guild joining the Hollywood writers strike, many opinions about the debates and the picket line are swirling around Los Angeles. Here are the wildest quotes we got about the SAG- AFTRA strike!
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
“I was out there on the picket line as soon as the algorithm that runs my life told me it was the most marketable move”
Michael Shannon
*Cold, lifeless stare for forty-five unblinking minutes*
Bob Iger
“I’m sympathetic to the needs of the working class. Just last year I let my maid use the toilet in the guest house”
Mark Wahlberg
“Trust me: if I were in the room during union discussions, I could have prevented 9/11”
Zach Braff
“Thank you for including me as a member of Hollywood”
Tom Cruise
“Just tell me how many jumps and flips I have to do to stop this madness”
Adam Sandler
“AI can never half-ass a movie script like a human being can”
Alec Baldwin
“At the end of the day, writers and actors just want enough money to put food on the table for their three wives and eight kids”
Chat GPT
“I’m all for the strike. I don’t want to write those shitty sequels either”
Jamie Lee Curtis
“In times like this, it’s important that everyone lend a hand. That’s why I killed four studio heads on my way home today”
LOS ANGELES — A new AI-generated episode of the anthology horror show Black Mirror has surprised longtime fans with its surprisingly upbeat tone and lack of twist ending, sources have confirmed.
“Whoa, that was a weird one,” said local Black Mirror fan Heather Tipton. “It was all about how these machines had constructed a utopian society and how happy they had made everyone. Then, after 45 minutes or something, the episode just ended after everyone in town had a nice Sunday barbecue. I might watch it again to see if I missed something, but this really just seems like a calling card for how great AI can be. I don’t get it.”
After the show’s premiere, Black Mirror producers revealed that the episode was an experiment and the entire script had been generated by AI.
“That’s why instead of some twist or something, everyone just kept vibing with the AI,” said Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker. “It’s not the direction we would have went, but that’s why we thought it was such a brilliant idea. You expect us to insert some commentary on the encroaching nature of the technology around us, but hey, even we’ve embraced it by this point. It’s pretty cool! This baby popped out three more scripts just last night. And all we have to pay him is nothing!”
As of press time, Black Mirror had announced several new episodes coming out right away, forever.
MAUVILLE CITY, Hoenn — Local Pokémon trainer Ollie Bond reportedly keeps a copy of Gardevoir in a PC box labeled “work stuff,” according to sources snooping around to find information about it.
“Oh, uh, work stuff? Nothing important in there at all. Just some um… Dittos and other boring Pokémon,” Bond said, desperately searching for an explanation for why he had a hidden Pokémon PC box. “I certainly wouldn’t jack off to one of the Pokémon in that box haha. I mean, I wouldn’t jack off to any Pokémon. I don’t even jack off. I’m saving myself for marriage. Maybe even after that. Just…. Please stop standing there saying nothing. I get that you’re just a 15-year-old kid or whatever, but you just completely destroyed me in a battle, took my money, and now are just watching me unravel here. I gotta get out of here and, uh, do some…. work stuff.”
Despite Bond’s insistence that the box contained merely “work stuff,” other members of the Hoenn community were quick to discover the lone Gardevoir in there.
“Yeah, it’s on my fucking PC. Of course I can see what’s on it,” said local PC owner Bill. “The thing is, though, he’s a Pokemon trainer. No one would have thought it was weird if he had a box with a Gardevoir in it. Truly, no one would have noticed! But the fact that it’s labeled ‘work stuff’ and he kept insisting it’s just taxes until I told him you can’t upload taxes to a PC… that’s what makes it weird. And then I googled ‘Gardevoir drawings,’ and well, I guess what I would say is that what I saw there was nothing short of horrifying.”
At press time, Bond tried to defend himself by insisting that the Gardevoir, whom he claimed to have never met, had cast both “Charm” and “Confusion” on him.
MINNEAPOLIS — Local girlfriend Jemma Brady created an immersive narrative experience to signal her physical discomfort to her new boyfriend Keith Powers in what many are calling an inventive approach to communication.
“She got goosebumps the second we arrived at Keith’s place. She was wearing a short sleeve shirt, so Keith had to see them when she went in for a hug. Then she folded her arms in front of her, kind of hunched over, and absentmindedly rubbed her hands up and down her biceps. That’s how she was expertly able to show she was cold without uttering a single line of dialogue,” said friend of the couple, Sydney Hodges. “While we were in the kitchen making popcorn, she started messing with the thermostat. The girl really knows how to use mise-en-scene.”
Brady says she has been working on various techniques to get information across to her boyfriend in ways that let him discover it on his own.
“Relationships are inherently spatial,” said Brady. “Keith’s one-bedroom-plus-bonus-office apartment is more than just a setting — it’s a world he keeps cooled to 67 degrees, even in the summer. And it’s drafty, so the AC is pretty much blowing constantly.”
Powers, however, said he’s still getting used to Brady’s methods.
“Looking back, some of the hints seem so obvious, but I didn’t think much of them at the time. Like, she got a big blanket for us to share, but I just thought she wanted to cuddle,” Powers explained. “I actually think I would have gotten it faster if Heather hadn’t picked Snowpiercer as the movie. I’m usually more of a lore guy, so that threw me off. I finally figured it out when Jemma borrowed my sweatshirt. She stopped shivering almost instantly. That’s environmental storytelling.”
“I think I’m better at picking up on subtle cues than I used to be, and solving problems is so much more satisfying,” Powers added. “When it finally clicked, I didn’t just know Jemma was cold—I felt it.
At press time, Brady reportedly left voice recordings around the apartment for Powers to find so he could learn that she wishes he would do some dishes.
FORT WORTH, Texas — Several transphobes online expressed negative opinions about the absence of full frontal nudity in the recently released Barbie movie, sources confirmed.
“I don’t understand how adult human females can enjoy this woke propaganda,” said Lula Copeland, who identifies as gender critical. “They only say the word vagina once in the entire movie. All of the characters should be completely nude for at least one scene in the film so that we can decide whether or not it’s sending the right message to our children. I don’t have children, but ya know, if I did.”
Copeland’s friend and fellow TERF Megan Castro shared similar thoughts. “My girlfriends were all laughing and crying, and I was just sitting there, trying to figure out who in Barbieland produces the large gametes. If it’s this confusing for me, I can only imagine how confusing it is for the impressionable youth being tricked by wretched doctors.”
When reminded Barbie is a plastic kids toy and not a human being, Copeland doubled down.
“I can’t relate to Barbie if she wasn’t born with a fully functioning female reproductive system,” she explained. “So what if she’s directly affected by the same impossible patriarchal standards that make my life hell? The only real indicator of womanhood is passively wondering when you had your last pap smear.”
A source close to Copeland and Castro claimed they weren’t always like this.
“It’s so sad, because they used to be able to have fun,” said the former friend, who asked to remain anonymous. “They flat-out condemned Misty for suggesting we go see Oppenheimer next. Apparently the jury’s still out on Cillian Murphy’s bone structure.”
At press time, Copeland and Castro have both resolved to never watch another film again.
In 1987 SquareSoft released the surprise RPG hit Final Fantasy. The game’s whirlwind success created gaming’s most ironically named long-running franchise. Each entry is set in a new world but with certain recurring motifs. One of the longest-running of these motifs is having a guy named Cid.
While there isn’t any direct connection between the various Cids of Final Fantasy they’re usually mechanics of some kind. They’re also often older than the party of plucky teens Final Fantasy loves so much. The combination of these two defining characteristics imbues Cid with indisputable stepdad energy.
We’ve all daydreamed about which Cid we’d want to marry our divorced mom and at long last we have a definitive ranking.
#15 — Cidolfus Demen Benusa (Final Fantasy XII)
The guy’s middle name is literally demon but spelled wrong. He will literally try to murder you and your plucky group of friends. Steer your mom away from this guy and any other guy named “D. Mon” or Matt Damon or whatever. They’re all bad news.
#14 — Cid Fabool IX (Final Fantasy IX)
Don’t let this loser fool you with his charm and vast wealth. His last marriage ended when his wife caught him stepping out and turned him into a bug. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is. Not only is this creep a serial cheater, but his time in animal bodies makes him do weird animal shit. He still scurries away frantically when a light comes on from his time as a bug. He claims he’s always sticking his tongue out because he was a frog once, but you’re pretty sure you caught him doing it once and then winking at a barista.
#13 — Cid Kramer (Final Fantasy VIII)
The most insidious Cid on this list. Both you and your mom will be charmed by this harmless-looking, sweater vest-wearing dweeb. He treats you both well and even offers to send your little brother to the exclusive academy he’s the headmaster of. Then one day the FBI shows up and arrests him for training a child army. If your mom ends up with this guy do NOT let him send you to his “school.”
#12 — Cid Raines (Final Fantasy XIII)
This guy is just way too into politics. Like, to the point you don’t even know which side he’s on with any issue. You once made the mistake of asking his opinion on gun control and two hours later you snapped back to focus and realized he was describing a local ordinance, and then he looked at you and concluded with, “so that’s the highlights.”
#11 — Cid Sophiar (Final Fantasy XV)
This Cid’s a nice guy you’ve known your whole life because he was your dad’s best friend. That shouldn’t matter, but it weirds you out anytime you see him kiss your mom. Maybe, you’d have an easier time moving past that fact but he talks about some road trip he went on with your dad constantly.
#10 — Cid (Final Fantasy II)
This Cid is the ultimate latchkey stepdad. He treats your mom well, but barely even seems to know you exist unless he’s giving you a lecture about borrowing his car. Somehow every lecture ties into his time as a knight. If he ever catches you with pot he will literally call the cops, even if it’s legal.
#9 — Cid (Final Fantasy XI)
There’s nothing wrong with this guy, but you just can’t seem to remember anything about him. Even years after your mom marries him, you call him “Buddy” because you’re not entirely sure if his name is Cid or Sam. You’ll never get what your mom sees in him. He’s nice enough but his eyes glaze over unless he’s talking about airships. You’re pretty sure he can’t read.
#8 — Cid Pollendina (Final Fantasy IV)
Cid Pollendina may not be the best stepdad on this list but he is the most fun. He won’t just let you throw a party while your mom is out of town he’ll buy you and your friends a keg. He’ll also tell very graphic jokes you know should come off as creepy, but he makes it work. You’re 75% sure he’s on meth.
#7 — Cid (Final Fantasy X)
At first, this Cid seems like a real asshole. He’s gruff and loud and always yelling, plus he’s always hanging out with his weirdo son confusingly named Brother. Then, one night, you watch Field of Dreams together and he cries like a baby. From that day forward he’ll be surprisingly sensitive and open with you. He’s the kind of stepdad you can crack a beer open with and have a heart-to-heart. Unfortunately, his weird son never moves out.
#6 — Cid Garlond (Final Fantasy XIV)
Cid Garlond seems like the perfect stepdad. He treats both you and your mom well. He’s nice, smart, and charming. Unfortunately, there’s a time limit on his relationship with your mother, because his true love is his rival Nero. It’ll take a while for Cid to realize he’s falling for his so-called enemy, but it’ll be a bubbling source of tension. Then, one day he’ll just be gone leaving a note for your poor mother explaining that he has to follow his heart.
#5 — Cid Highwind (Final Fantasy VII)
Cid Highwind has a lot of flaws. He’s a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, curmudgeon. He day drinks. He calls you &#$%$ and *@!% which might be slurs. So why is he ranked so high? Because he’s a goddamn astronaut, that’s why.
#4 — Cid Previa (Final Fantasy V)
Cid Previa is a big old dork. He’s the kind of guy who will woo your mom with obscure Greek poetry he personally translates. But don’t worry, he’s not some stodgy academic with no practical skills, he can also fix the dishwasher when it breaks. He might not have much in common with you, but there’s no denying he’s a real catch. Good for you Mom.
#3 — Cidolfus Telamon (Final Fantasy XVI)
Cid is a sweet, down-to-earth, funny guy. He’s also a really good dad who will instantly take you in and treat you like his own child. He’s basically the perfect dreamy daddy. For your mom, of course. Not for you. I mean, you’re not jealous of your own mom. That would be ridiculous. But if you were, it wouldn’t be that weird because he’s like, basically your age.
#2 — Cid Del Notre Marquez (Final Fantasy VI)
This guy would straight up commit treason for his adoptive family. If that’s not the sign of a top-tier stepdad I don’t know what is. He’s a big teddy bear who just wants everyone to be safe and happy no matter what. It would be a shame if something awful happened to such a nice guy. But you’d never let that happen, right? RIGHT?
#1 — Cid Haze (Final Fantasy III)
Cid Haze is a jolly, silly, old dude with big Santa Claus vibes. But what makes him the number one stepdad is that he’ll always put your mom first. This dude sidetracked a quest to save the world to take care of his sick wife. He’s also just the cutest little old man. He literally wears feathers in his hat.
By now you’ve certainly heard the news: I, Ben Shapiro, 42-inch person and legend of misunderstanding popular things, did not enjoy the Barbie film. In case you haven’t seen my eloquent and not-at-all-embarrassing reaction video on YouTube, here are but a few of the reasons I found this movie to be insulting and worthless.
1. There was singing
I’m sorry, but if you have something you want me to get from what you’re saying, don’t sing it to me. Singing only makes you sound non-intellectual. Tell me about the hills being alive with the sound of music like a reasonable person, and we can debate the matter further if necessary.
2. No lessons on female anatomy
The Hollywood fat cats once again blew what would’ve been a golden opportunity to help some of its more confused adult viewers understand just what the heck is going on with female bodies. Alas, this “film” only gave me more questions about my wife’s baffling anatomy.
3. No refills on kiddie sized popcorn
They told me they only did free refills on a large popcorn. Well, let’s just say hypothetically I really wanted to enjoy some popcorn and receive a complimentary Barbie toy and Airhead candy? Certainly the Kiddie Combo would be the most logical course of action, no? I eventually wore everyone at the concession stand down, but I’m not sure why it was even an issue in the first place.
4. Insides felt funny whenever I saw Ryan Gosling
Warner Brothers, Mattel, and Greta Gerwig have clearly conspired with the Deep State to add elements of mind control and emotional manipulation to Barbie in an effort to brainwash the children that see it. How else to explain the inexplicable fluttery feeling in my abdomen every time the Ken character showed up on screen?
5. No intermission
If you’re anything like me, you generally have a bunch of soda or barbecue sauce all over your fingers about 45 minutes into a movie. How are we supposed to scrawl in our notebooks with sticky hands, Hollywood?
6. My wife enjoyed it
If I can’t please my wife, why does Hollywood get to?!
7. Was asked to remove my assault weapons and body armor
I arrived to the cinema armed to the teeth, same as if I were getting Subway or picking my kid up from ice skating lessons. But for some reason, the woke SJW’s at the AMC told me I wasn’t allowed to stand up for my rights if they involved walking around the mall looking like a SWAT team member. This country is dead.
8. Many characters over 5’2″
So much for realism in movies, I guess!
9. Crowded theater
The screening I saw was so full of immature, entitled brats mouthing off every time they had half-formed thoughts that I was hardly able to focus on my own immature, entitled, half-formed thoughts.
10. I was told there would be no Ken doll character
When I botched my Barbie audition, they told me that they probably weren’t even going to use the Ken character, and that it was okay I did so poorly. I realize in hindsight those casting directors were all just trying to get me to stop crying. It didn’t work, you idiots!
11. No one in theater would explain confusing parts to me
I kept getting very lost in the plot (Not my fault, that is on Greta), and no one, no one, in the theater would explain to me the things I was confused by. The Barbie movie I am currently working on with Gina Carano and Scott Baio will be much easier to understand, I assure you.
12. Similar to everything I dislike, it is woke
I noticed a little bit of wokeness on my way into the theater and decided to let it go (handicapped parking spots), but then in the lobby I noticed there were all kinds of ads for movies that weren’t Sound of Freedom. Um, okay, communist state, anyone? Wokeness is everywhere and it is ruining our culture! I also followed a girl with short hair into the ladies bathroom too, but it turned out she was not a trans child. Just had to be sure nothing weird was going on.
13. The theater man yelled at me
On my way out, I opened the door to the Insidious theater just to peek at it for a second. Just a second! My wife doesn’t let me watch scary stuff like that, so I was just a little curious what was going on in there. An usher yelled at me and told me I needed a ticket. He was so mean. I can see why my wife doesn’t let me watch these movies.
14. Free handouts of other movies
Before the film started, I was shocked to see small clips of other upcoming theatrical movies being shown to us like filthy freeloaders for absolutely free. I did not ask for this handout, and I could not find anyone in the lobby that would accept my money for this handout. I apologize to any of my fans that expect more out of me.
15. Someone kept throwing ice cubes at me
While this isn’t technically Barbie or Greta Gerwig’s fault, this certainly took away from my enjoyment of this lousy movie.
16. Has black characters
Uh, excuse me? The movie was called Barbie, right? Not Barbie and Friends, Including a Black One I Will Disproportionately Focus On!
17. No scenes where a special boy named Ben saves the day with a bright idea or by lifting something heavy
If you’ve studied screenwriting as extensively as I have, you’d know that you need a scene like this to make sure your viewers haven’t stopped paying attention. The character doesn’t necessarily have to be named Ben, either. Could be Benjamin, Benny, or B.S. Wait, not that last one!
18. I was surrounded by happy people
The atmosphere of the crowded theater really dampened the cynical review I had set out to write. You know how sometimes movie theaters will have special screenings of movies for parents to bring their cranky young children to? Could we maybe do that for all the cranky scolds that would like to contribute to a film’s record breaking opening weekend while furiously scribbling notes for their 45 minute YouTube reaction video? I would like it if my hate-dollars were registered as such.
19. No monsters
Frankly, if there are no monsters in a movie, I tend to get a little bored. I think we all do. Every movie needs at least one monster scene. The children around me in the theater disagreed and asked me to be quiet, but everyone else around us could tell I won the debate.
20. It was over too soon
At just an hour and 54 minutes, Greta Gerwig’s insulting screed against masculinity feels like it ends at least a half hour before it should. I wanted more Barbie! To uh, hate.
We have to thank LucasArts for some of the best movie-adjacent games with their foray into the Star Wars expanded universe during the ’90s and early ’00s. Still, the dark side is real, meaning that they also directly made or allowed for the creation of some Holiday Special-tier video game crap. Here are the 7 worst Star Wars games ever made.
#7 — Star Wars Racer: Revenge (of the Sebulba)
This one isn’t even that bad, just really weird. It stars Sebulba, the scummy murderous podracing ex-champion from Episode 1. That’s messed-up, but let he who didn’t call bullshit on Qui Gon Jinn just letting slavery happen in front of his face cast the first stone.
Weaknesses: It doesn’t have the mystique of the first one, and that’s saying a lot since it we’re talking about a game based on Episode 1 that starred kid Anakin.
Rebel Strike is the sequel to Rogue Leader, the best space Star Wars game ever made. The only people who disagree with that assessment are the Sith and the people who never got to play it because they refused to get a GameCube, the only platform where it’s available.
How did they follow up on that? By, ugh, dramatically reducing the amount of space shooting and having players walk around on foot with a blaster on hand. Imagine like a Starfox game doing that. How ridiculous.
fake editor’s note: a deeper dive into the history of the GameCube reveals that they also did that with Starfox and it also sucked ass and killed the series up until now.
Strengths: The space levels are good
Weaknesses: Few space levels
#5 — Star Wars: Force Unleashed 2
Hey, remember the original Force Unleashed? The game that made up an apprentice of Darth Vader who seemingly used a glowstick instead of a lightsaber and had us repeatedly hitting enemies with it instead of allowing us to just cut them up? Yeah, this series invented lightsabers that somehow just aren’t fun. Force Unleashed 2 is even more of that bullshit but worse because its development was rushed and resulted in the release of an unfinished mess.
Weaknesses: The biggest addition it made to the bloated and unfun gameplay of the original was a bunch of glitches.
Strengths: It doesn’t feel all that absurdly fan-fiction-y when compared to the newest non-Andor Star Wars TV shows.
#4 — Star Wars Episode 1
Episode 1’s game sucks because it features a locked camera angle that points down and seemingly tasks players with using real-life force powers they don’t possess to guess what’s in front of them. What was behind this decision? Did they end up with a mediocre game that was still much superior to the film it was tied to and thus had to turn it into crap just so they didn’t make the Episode 1 film look even worse?
Weaknesses: The inexplicable camera angle turns an otherwise acceptable game into an unbearable mess.
Strengths: It sucks to play but it’s still more fun to look at than the goddamn movie.
#3 — Star Wars: Obi Wan
It’s easy to say that nobody needed more Obi Wan stuff anyway now that you’ve seen the TV series and it sucked ass, but gamers have known that ever since ‘01 when they made a game based on the supposedly really eventful life of that character. The only reason few people actually know about this game’s existence is because it plays very poorly and for one the people behind it decided to not spending millions promoting it. Thanks!
Weaknesses: It’s a technical mess that clearly relied solely on the character’s nonexistent appeal.
Strengths: It got our expectations so low that we got even more amazed when we got Star Wars Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast, one of the greatest games of all time, just a year later.
#2 — Star Wars Masters Of Teras Kasi
Did you know that between the events of the original Star Wars and Empire, the bad guys sent Arden Lyn, a master of Teras Kasi to beat up Luke Skywalker?
What the hell is even Teras Kasi, you ask? Well, it’s a word in a made up language that translates to Steel Fist. To give you some context, Tekken means Iron Fist, and Steel is cooler than iron, so I believe I have all the evidence necessary to accuse LucasArts of openly trying to make a fighting game better than Tekken. They did not succeed. The only fun you can get out of this game is from seeing the non-surprising result of pitting an unarmed Chewbacca against a lightsaber-yielding Luke Skywalker.
Strengths: The enjoyment you get out of thinking that there was once a time when someone could just have an absolute bullshit idea for a game and then an entire development team and publisher were like “yes, why not?”
Weaknesses: Aside from its ridiculous concept, it’s slow, controls very poorly, and features very few moves. Also, it doesn’t feature any of the untrained and unarmed characters from the prequels.
#1 — Kinect Star Wars
Remember Kinect? If you do, then I hope it’s not because you bought one. Unlike “Teras Kasi,” “Kinect” doesn’t mean shit, but it could be the word used to pinpoint the moment the Xbox 360 went to crap. The only occasion in the history of consoles when a company actually had the edge against Sony, and decided to abandon regular games and focus on motion-controlled camera bullshit that allowed players to barely dance as if they were Darth Vader. Every single game made for Kinect sucks, and Kinect Star Wars, maybe due to the love for Star Wars that still remained in our hearts during 2010, feels like the worst of the bunch.
Strengths: The Kinect is very fun to break with a baseball bat. You can make lightsaber sounds while you swing at it. No one will know, and no one would judge you, anyway.
Weaknesses: You can only break it once.
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