Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Every Kong Family Member Ranked by How Likely They Are to Fall for a Pyramid Scheme

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Pyramid schemes, or multi-level marketing scams, tend to prey on the most vulnerable members of society: the elderly, the naïve, the financially downtrodden — you name it. Pyramid schemes are no laughing matter. Unless of course you put it into the perspective of “what if this happened to Donkey Kong and his family,” which is exactly what we are about to do here.

#14 — Manky Kong

Manky Kong’s relation to the Kong family at-large is tenuous at best, but despite angrily throwing barrels at Donkey Kong and his Kong brethren, he still proudly bears the Kong family name. It’s unclear, however, if Manky Kong is capable of understanding human language. I feel like if you tried to sell him on Herbalife or Amway, he’d probably just grab a steel girder from a nearby construction site and bash you over the head with it. The man is absolutely unbreakable.

#13 — Candy Kong

You know what they say– you can’t con a con man, or in this case, a con woman… ape… beautiful lady. Remember that hot girl you went to high school with who you’re still friends with on facebook for some reason, even though you barely ever talked to each other? You know how she’s always posting about being a female entrepreneur, getting people involved in some “exciting new dietary supplement”? Yeah, that’s Candy Kong. You try and scam her, buddy, she’s already got your number. And by that I mean your social security number. Come on man, what were you thinking? She’s not gonna talk to you.

#12 — Swanky Kong

Brother, let me tell you, Swanky has been around the block. He’s seen it all, and if you try to sell him on some sort of Ponzi scheme, he’ll say “I want in”. He could be your greatest ally, your greatest enemy, or both at the same time. No matter what, he’s already got you wrapped around his little finger, just like one of his several pinky rings. He is truly the Bernie Madoff of the Donkey Kong universe — except he’ll never get caught.

#11 — Tiny Kong

Kids these days are pretty resourceful, not to mention internet savvy. If Tiny Kong were to come across a shady DM from someone trying to get her to invest in a new app, she’d block them on sight and put them on blast on TikTok. She’s got a huge following on there too, so it’s wise to tread lightly. I mean, look at her. She’s even got a crossbow and everything. Do not cross Tiny Kong.

#10 — Cranky Kong

Cranky may be an old timer, but he’s no easy mark. I heard the last time one of those door-to-door knife salesmen showed up to his porch trying to cut him in on a sweet deal, well, let’s just say he wasn’t the one leaving there cut. Cranky’s been around since before the times of MLMs– actually, he claims to have invented the original pyramid scheme, but can’t remember what it was. He’s sure to be a hard sell, but not impossible if you butter him up by telling him how cool he was in the original Donkey Kong arcade game. “Yeah, that Jump Man guy was a total wimp! By the way, have you thought about investing in one of our life insurance policies?”

#9 — Donkey Kong Jr.

DK Jr. is only a hard sell to fall for a pyramid scheme because, well, nobody knows what the heck happened to him! Seriously, he is effectively MIA. It’s possible he fell for some kind of scheme at some point after appearing in Mario Tennis and then… never again since then. Regardless, everyone here at Hard Drive sends out their thoughts and prayers for the little guy. He would have loved Metabolife™.

#8 — Funky Kong

Naturally, Funky Kong is pretty hip to what’s going on. But, he’s not always in the right state of mind. Funky Kong likes to stay up late, hanging out in his hut while toking up and watching video essays on YouTube. That being said, he did get an email from a so-called “Prince of Nigeria” once and replied to it, but blocked him the next morning once he woke up and had a laugh over what he almost did. Too close of a call for comfort– if caught at the wrong moment, Funky could potentially lose his entire life savings in one careless click.

#7 — Lanky Kong

Man, no matter how many times I hang out with this guy, I can never get a good “read” on him. Lanky Kong is always saying the most random stuff, and it’s never really funny, or even relevant to the conversation at hand. It completely sucks the air out of the room… just like a balloon. So for that reason alone, I would have to place him firmly in the middle of this list. I feel like people are going to try and get him to buy into some sketchy upstart or something, and then just give up because he’ll keep saying stuff like “I am teh spork of doom!”

#6 — Dixie Kong

Dixie has always been sort of a “I’m just along for the ride” kind of girl. DK got kidnapped? “Sure, I’m there.” DK got kidnapped again? “Yeah, I don’t have much else going on.” Want to invest in a revolutionary new vacation package? “Well, do I only have to recruit 10 new members to start seeing a profit? Sure, sign me up.” It’s not her greatest trait, but she is reliable at least.

#5 — Diddy Kong

Diddy is a tricky one. He’s both a great deceiver, yet completely gullible at the same time. Apparently he tricked an old lady into letting him “borrow her credit card” so he could buy “pencils” to do his “homework”. Really gross, honestly. But at the same time, his pal DK tends to be a bad influence on him in other ways, with the two of them falling for traps left and right, and constantly getting stuck inside of barrels. It goes without saying that when they’re together, they could easily fall prey to a multi-level recruitment plan.

#4 — Chunky Kong

Chunky Kong hasn’t been seen in a while and that’s because, well, he’s in debt. Like, a lot of debt. He’s a total meathead who bought into some workout supplement he saw Candy Kong post about on facebook, decided to become an “executive investor” in the company, and then one day everything just goes totally belly-up and disappears. And the worst part is, he only found out about this when his gym called him to tell him that his card was declined. Live and learn though, as Chunky is currently working a few part-time jobs to try and get his credit score back up. Maybe they’ll let him be in one of the new games then.

#3 — Kiddy Kong

The phrase “like taking candy from a baby” comes to mind here. Kiddy Kong is Chunky Kong’s younger brother, and well, let’s just say intelligence doesn’t exactly run in the family. All you’d have to do is jingle some keys in front of his face to get him to do your bidding. Just hope he doesn’t exert some freak level of strength on you by shattering your ribs with a single headbutt. Keep some bananas on hand, and you’ll keep this big baby happy and willing to give you his mom’s credit card number.

#2 — Donkey Kong

He may be the leader of the bunch, you may know him well, but this Kong’s one gullible guy. Yes, despite being the flagship mascot for his respective video game series, it’s safe to say a lot of things wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for DK’s poor leadership. I mean, this is the same guy who hid a giant banana hoard right below his house with a big sign labeled “KONG’S BANANA HOARD” on it, and then immediately got kidnapped not once, but twice, and needed to be bailed out both times. If King K. Rool came knocking at his door wearing a very unconvincing salesperson outfit, saying he had an opportunity for an “investment that would totally pay off in dividends in less than 6 months,” DK would sign his life away before he could even finish his pitch. It’s no surprise that Cranky thinks of him as his idiot grandson… or is it son? What’s going on there anyway?

#1 — Wrinkly Kong

Yes, we all saw it coming. Wrinkly Kong is an absolute mark for this sort of thing, and it keeps happening over and over again. Her family had to cancel her cable package because she kept buying into everything she saw on the Home Shopping Network, and even let “the nice neighbor boy” borrow her credit card so he could buy some “pencils” to do his “homework”. It’s a travesty, honestly, but thanks to the Kong family’s watchful eye, she’s lost power of attorney and the ability to sign off on anything without a witness present. But unfortunately, she keeps a secret stash of cash around that she won’t tell anyone the location of, and continues to recklessly spend it on trinkets, knick-knacks, and timeshare investments.

Study Finds Average Person Swallows Seven Spider-Man Reboots Over Lifetime

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — A disturbing new report has confirmed that the average citizen swallows seven Spider-Man reboots during the course of their life, sources have confirmed.

“We’ve long suspected this, but now we have the hard evidence,” said David Lawrence, who lead the study conducted by scientists at UCLA. “Over the course of an average lifespan, the typical citizen will be subjected to roughly seven relaunches of Spider-Man, namely through movies, video games, and TV shows. For comic book readers those numbers skyrocket to unfathomable levels, but the bigger takeaway here is the sheer number of Spider-Man’s the average person swallows without even realizing it.”

Many were shocked at the findings of the study.

“Wow, I always thought that was an old wives’ tale or something,” said Sean Gulley, one of many people alarmed by the discovery. “But I can’t say it’s that surprising. You see so many Spider-Man reboots all over the place, it’s really not so crazy when you think about it. Should we be concerned about this at all? Or is it okay to be ingesting all of these Spider-Man reboots at this rate? I’m not scared of them, it’s just kind of creepy to think about.”

Others were less surprised by the study’s findings.

“Doesn’t shock me one bit,” said someone. “My bedroom was in a basement growing up, so that means I also saw shit like Spider-Man: The New Animated Series on MTV2, in addition to all of the common household ones you’d expect. So now as an adult, I don’t even bat an eye when I see a Spider-Man reboot. My cousin grew up in New York City and he says they get these big crazy Broadway Spider-Man’s up there. It sounds insane. Anyways, that’s life. Big deal. Very few of these Spider-Man reboots are actually that good. People just make a big deal out of them for some reason.”

As of press time, scientists had expressed concern at the alarming surge in Spider-Man 2’s in the last five years.

Bill Clinton Listed on Flight Logs to Maximillian Pegasus’s Private Island

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Joshua Hudson

WASHINGTON — A damning new report has revealed that former president Bill Clinton was seen on the flight logs to billionaire card-game creator Maximillian Pegasus’ private island in the Pacific Ocean.

“Yes, it is true that Mr. Clinton has visited Duelist Kingdom, the private island owned by Duel Monsters creator Maximillian Pegasus,” said a representative from Clinton’s legal team. “However, it is very important to note that Mr. Clinton was simply there as a favor for Mr. Pegasus, who donated a large sum of money to Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. Mr. Clinton did not play any card games at all and never once did he banish a child to the Shadow Realm.”

“Mr. Clinton did however find himself stuck in a giant labyrinth, however,” the statement continued, “but was thankfully rescued by his friend Bandit Keith.”

The news shocked many Americans.

“It’s honestly just freaky hearing how many famous people visited those islands,” said Elijah Coleman, an American who has become disillusioned with voting. “I mean apparently Matt Groening — the guy who made The Simpsons — was there and got a foot massage from a literal child. But oh, sure, he claims the kid was actually possessed by a thousands-of-years-old Egyptian Pharaoh? I mean come on.”

“Doesn’t surprise me at all that a demon-worshiping Demoncrat like Bill Clinton was hanging out with known pedophile Maximillion Pegasus,” said registered Republican Simon Harper. “Let me show you this picture of Clinton with a pyramid with an eye dangling from his chest. You know what that stands for? Wanting to have sex with kids.”

“Sorry, but you know who is best friends with Pegasus? That’s right, Donald Trump,” said registered Democrat April Peck. “So no, I don’t really care if Bill Clinton was there, because it’s much more pressing to me that Donald Trump was there considering that both he and Pegasus have been known to love crimes.”

At press time, Bill Clinton was seen fiddling with a weird looking key in the background of a video in which Hillary Clinton insisted he had done nothing wrong.

Pokémon Breeding Forum Accidentally Turns Into Eugenics Forum Again

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Naomi Krause

SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Another Pokémon forum has regrettably turned into a discussion of eugenics, according to saddened users on the site.

According to those who use the site, which is called DittoMyWidow, users used to spend their time discussing the ins and outs of how to effectively breed Pokémon across the series’ various games. Unfortunately, as has happened before on hundreds of similar websites, the forum devolved into madness after one user pointed out that Pokémon breeding “isn’t that different from real life.”

“It’s a damn shame to see it happen to another site. Fifth one in a row for me,” said user ShinySnivy123. “I really just want to discuss the best way to make a tournament viable team with the Pokémon at my disposal. I do not want to discuss whether or not The Jews naturally have a high special attack in real life on account of their alleged ability to use Psychic moves. And yet, every few months, that’s the kinda shit that shows up.”

Ria Bates, a psychologist and avid Pokémon player, explained the phenomenon.

“Once people get really into Pokémon breeding, if they’re enough of a capital G gamer, they’re going to start seeing it everywhere in their lives,” Bates explained. “But the real world isn’t that simple. Pokémon may have fire-type, water-type, electric-type, etc, but those are much more rigid categories than white, black, Asian, etc. The amount of times I’ve had to explain to people online that there is no stat bonus for being Italian would shock you. People just want things to be simple, but they need to remember that Pokémon is just a video game. There are no real life types, just like there aren’t real life save points, legalized animal fighting, or hospitals that don’t cost money.”

At press time, DittoMyWidow officially shut down after users started wondering aloud what would happen if a trainer tried breeding with a Pokémon… 🤔

Ex-Bank Robber Reacts to Katamari Damacy

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Brad Waters

We got a REAL LIFE bank robber on the channel to react to Katamari Damacy! His first appearance since leaving prison! Check it out!

“Tom Cruise Insisted on Doing All of the Film’s Stunts” — Everything We Know About ‘Gran Turismo’

Posted on July 28, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

The cinematic adaptation of long running driving simulation video game series Gran Turismo premieres on August 8th. We thought we’d help you get geared up for the film’s release with this list of things we know about it so far. Cars have gears! That’s why I said that!

Orlando Bloom will play a man that’s slowly transforming into a Ford Focus

With a big grotesque spoiler on the back of his neck by the end and everything.

Tom Cruise insisted on doing all the film’s stunts

Despite his exclusion from the film’s cast, Tom Cruise reportedly came by the set on multiple occasions and performed dangerous stunts for free, before running away while loudly insisting nobody thanked him.

Exciting promotions for gamers

If you bring your PlayStation controller to the movie theater, they will let you into Gran Turismo for free.

From the director of ‘District 9’

No one is sure why he waited 14 years to release a follow-up movie, but we’re excited nonetheless!

Running time of over 5 hours

Fans of the game have said this isn’t a big deal to them. Frankly, they wish it was longer.

Cars do not transform into humanoid form

*Yaaaaaaawn*

Due to the SAG-AFTRA strike, this car will have to handle all promotional duties

“It cannot do that,” said director Neill Blomkamp, when notified of Gran Turismo’s modified press tour. “It is a car.”

Expected to break records

There are like, so many records. I’m sure this will get something. Biggest August opening for a movie based on a video game or something. Congrats I guess.

Based on a true story

Gran Turismo tells the awe-inspiring underdog tale of a studio with an IP they wanted to turn into a profitable movie during a crowded summer.

Movie will begin with extensive portrayals of drivers acquiring different licenses

Critics at early screenings describe the first 30 minutes, which extensively cover the main character performing various parking tests, as “boring, but absolutely necessary to the rest of the film.”

“Did You Talk to Any of My Daughters?” Hard Drive Interviews Duke Nukem

Posted on July 28, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

When former video game star and controversial public figure Duke Nukem asked me to meet him somewhere called ‘Piss Alley,’ I figured it was one of his signature jokes. When I entered the directions into my GPS, however, I discovered that Piss Alley was all too real, and that Duke Nukem is in a pretty bad way these days. Even if you put the name aside, this was a disgusting alley. Pretty sure people piss in it, too.

Having done enough of these disastrous interviews, I figured I would just get down to business and chat with Duke and get up and leave before any more trouble could find us. He was laying face down in Piss Alley, the rain appearing to be the closest thing he had to a shower in weeks. Whatever. I was going to be a journalist today, not a fan. I was going to get my story, and get out.

At least that was the plan.

~~~

Hard Drive: Hey Duke, thanks for agreeing to meet with me. I found the place no problem.

Duke Nukem: That’s great. Are you the hitman I hired to kill me last month?

Hard Drive: No Duke, I’m with Hard Drive magazine. Actually it’s a website. I’m with Hard Drive website. We have an interview scheduled.

Duke Nukem: Oh ok. That makes sense. I gave that hitman a bad check.

Hard Drive: Geez man, that’s pretty grim. Maybe things will pick up and you can afford to pay a hitman to uh, kill you sometime soon?

Duke Nukem: Ah geez kid, you’re right. Here, wanna help me up?

~~~

Duke Nukem is still very strong. My attempt to help him up just resulted in him pulling me to the ground, into the same puddle as him. Which I’m pretty sure he’d been pissing in. For how many beers he was drinking, I don’t see how he wasn’t. Still though, he was forthcoming and generous, even sharing his warm beers with me.

Do you want to know something weird? Laying in a puddle and finding out what Duke Nukem’s been up to as a thunderstorm raged above us somehow wasn’t even the worst interview I’d done in a while. It was kind of the best, actually.

~~~~

Duke Nukem: See, the nice thing about laying in a puddle and getting drunk in the rain, is you are kind of showering the whole time, so you don’t feel as bad about yourself. Then you pass out, take a soak, and wake up feeling great. Like a new man.

Hard Drive: So do you do this a lot?

Duke Nukem: Well, I live in Piss Alley, and it’s been raining a lot this summer, so yes. I do this a lot. You got a problem with that, or am I gonna have to get medieval on your ass?

Hard Drive: Oh no, not at all Duke. I was just asking.

Duke Nukem: Hey lighten up, I’m just giving you a bit of the schtick. Hail to the king, baby.

Hard Drive: That’s great, Duke.

Duke Nukem: You want me to say it again?

Hard Drive: You don’t have to.

Duke Nukem: Hail to the king, baby.

Hard Drive: Nice.

Duke Nukem: Sorry I keep saying it.

Hard Drive: No, it’s fine.

Duke Nukem: No, it’s annoying. But, somewhere along the way it went from being one of my catchphrases to being like, I don’t know, some freakin’ mantra or something. When I catch myself getting down about how far I’ve fallen, how much money I’ve lost, how many friends I let down, I just close my eyes and remember the good ol’ days and say “Hail to the king, baby,” and it makes everything feel a little better.

Hard Drive: Well, it’s good to have something like that.

Duke Nukem: I think so. Say, have you been working on this article about me for very long?

Hard Drive: A little bit. I did some research earlier in the week and spoke to some folks about you. Nothing major.

Duke Nukem: Did you talk to any of my daughters?

Hard Drive: No. They all said no.

Duke Nukem: Hail to the king, baby. Hail to the king.

Hard Drive: I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to say anything, but I don’t want to lie.

Duke Nukem: No, that’s fine. Wow. You contacted them all, huh?

Hard Drive: Yeah.

Duke Nukem: Chloe said no? And Stephanie?

Hard Drive: Yes, they both wrote me back rather quickly.

Duke Nukem: What about Budweiser?

Hard Drive: Same. Texted me and asked to never contact her again.

Duke Nukem: Man. That’s my baby girl. That hurts.

Hard Drive: Sorry, Duke.

Duke Nukem: Not your fault. Say, do you need another beer?

Hard Drive: No, mine’s still pretty full. But thanks.

Duke Nukem: I think it just got rained in. You have to learn to kind of hover over your can, so the rainwater doesn’t get into your beer.

Hard Drive: Oh wow, you’re right. I thought this tasted weird. I’ll take another one.

~~~

And so we had another. And another. And the interview turned into a hang. He told me which Mortal Kombat stars he’d fooled around with and which ones he hadn’t. He told me off the record stories about how him, Gex, Bubsy, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tobey Maguire (known as ‘The Pussy Posse’ in the ’90s) used to cruise NYC for chicks. I noticed at one point that we were drinking Miller Lite’s. I wonder if Budweiser’s made him too sad.

We drank and laughed into the night, sitting close to stay as warm as possible in the puddle we were sharing. Even if I wanted to tell you half the stuff we talked about, my notes washed away in the rain along with all of the stress from this abysmal series of interviews I’d spent the last few months working on. I soaked overnight and to my surprise, woke up feeling refreshed.

I was all alone, but less lonely. I’d made a new friend. Although he wasn’t around when I woke up, and my wallet and jacket were gone, and I’m pretty sure he pissed on me, Duke was right. I woke up in that alley and felt like a new man. Hail to the king, baby.

Dry Bones Defending Bowser’s Castle Just Wants to Make It Home in 206 Pieces

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Liam Stephenson

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A Dry Bones nearing the end of his second tour of duty is reportedly just focused on making it home safe and sound in 206 pieces if that’s what it takes, sources have confirmed.

“I don’t even care what happens to me,” said the Dry Bones in question. “Mail my parts back home in a box. Hell, mail my parts home in 200 boxes, I don’t care! My wife will know what to do as far as opening all the boxes and putting my parts all next to each other. I just hope I don’t fall down some pit or get devoured by a Yoshi and turned into a fireball. I think I’m done for if any of that happens? I’m not sure, scientists actually can’t figure out that much about us. They don’t know shit about why we resurrect and stuff like that. I just really want to make it home, one piece or not.”

Mushroom Kingdom scientists confirmed that not a lot is known about the Dry Bones and their connection to life eternal.

“It’s the damndest thing,” said Dr. Scott Bartholomew, an anthropologist that’s studied Dry Bones specimens in the past. “These are beings with absolutely otherworldly power, and yet, they’re often dispatched to some of the easiest assignments Bowser has, like guarding pipes that don’t even do anything sometimes. We should probably be studying these guys and doing everything we can to utilize their immortality and all that. But as it is, we’re losing a lot of them to things like lava and bottomless pits. An awful lot. A lot of them have been asked to be transferred over to the baseball team, but sadly, there’s just not that many spots.”

As of press time, Bowser solemnly arrived at the Dry Bones’ home, with a folded flag and bouquet of fire flowers.

Disturbing Study Reveals That Being Found Is the Only Way Koroks Can Get Off

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Andy Holt

HYRULE — Scientists have released an unsettling new study into Koroks, confirming that being found by a great Hero is the only way the wooden creatures can achieve orgasm.

“We wish we had better news for you here today, but as scientists, we have a duty to report the unvarnished truth as we have learned it,” said Duloh, leader of the research team, during a somber press conference to reveal their findings. “We’re not going to sugarcoat it, folks: those little freaks have been busting this whole time.”

Researchers claimed they made the shocking discovery by mistake, while studying the ‘poof’ that happens when Koroks are found in their hiding places.

“It started out totally innocent. We just wanted to know how Koroks can appear from a cloud of dust like that. Turns out it’s not dust at all. It’s … well, you can read the report if you want to know. I sure wish I had known when I took the sample,” said Erah, the project intern, staring off into the distance. “Maybe it’s better I didn’t know.”

The report describes in detail what happens when a Korok is discovered by a Hero who holds the fate of Hyrule in his hands.

“The state of the hidden Korok is one of agony. The tension builds, sometimes for years, until they are desperate for the relief of being found in their clever hiding spot. What follows is a complex mating ritual — the cloud of spore-like particles, the display of colorful leaves as proof of their sexual maturity, the unique click-clacking sound that occurs at the absolute climax,” reads the report in part. “Twigs are their dicks.”

At press time, the scientists were tip-toeing silently out of the conference room, hoping not to accidentally uncover any Koroks.