Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Every Stanley Kubrick Movie Ranked by How Annoying I Can Be About It

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

The Shining. Dr. Strangelove. 2001. These are my three favorite movies and I will never stop talking about them. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy every Stanley Kubrick movie, however. I am capable of going on at great length about any of them! In fact, instead of sorting them by conventional standards, I thought a fun exercise would be to rank the films of cinema’s greatest auteur by how bad you wish I would just shut up already when I talk about them!

#14. Paths of Glory (1957)

This story of a general refusing to lead his soldiers to certain death is still incredibly relevant today. This is just a straightforward, powerful film without too many elements to “geek out” over, so I guess I’ll just have to be annoying about how it should have won more awards or something.

#13. Lolita (1962)

I’m too scared to talk about this one for more than a minute. Please let’s just move on.

#12. Spartacus (1960)

This is a looong and old movie about a prince being sold into slavery and fighting to regain his freedom. This is the performance that would make Charlton Heston a legend. Wait. I am thinking of Ben-Hur. Which one is Spartacus? Ugh, that is so annoying. Whatever. Good cinematography and battles. You gotta see this one.

#11. Fear and Desire (1952)

Kubrick’s first film, and first of many anti-war movies he would make. I can be annoying about this one merely by bringing it up:

“This is like that scene in Fear and Desire. Oh, you don’t know Fear and Desire? It’s Kubrick’s first anti-war film, and for my money it’s as impressive a debut feature as you’ll find in the ‘50s.”

Pretty annoying for a movie I’ve never seen, huh?

#10. Killer’s Kiss (1955)

I don’t have a lot of ways to be annoying about this early noir from Kubrick that shows his potential, but is far from his best work. I just recite the Leonard Maltin intro I saw on Turner Classic Movies a few years ago whenever I’m talking to someone about Stanley Kubrick.

#9. The Killing (1956)

Did you know this gangster movie is 67 years old and just as good as anything Tarantino ever did? Oh, or that Nolan lifted the bank robber’s masks in The Dark Knight from the horse track robbery portrayed in the film? Or that I’ve told this to the last dozen people I’ve met on the bus and not a single person has thanked me for the insight? Some people are so annoying!

#8. Barry Lyndon (1975)

For a movie I’ve never seen, I can tell you so much about Barry Lyndon. Like for one, it’s highly underrated among the Kubrick oeuvre. With its gorgeous cinematography, engaging performances, and shocking attention to detail, it’s a real shame more people haven’t seen it!

Honorable Mention: A.I. (2001)

I know what you’re thinking. “Hey Mark, you absolute dipshit, A.I. was a Steven Spielberg movie that came out after Kubrick’s death!” You’re right, but did you know A.I. was a project Kubrick had wanted to make for years, which makes the project a unique merging of the two director’s sensibilities? That’s why the film is ultimately a cold, mechanical analyzation of a love between a boy and his mother. It’s like a Spielberg/Kubrick collab, a true once in a lifetime event. Also, maybe you’re the dipshit, dipshit.

#1. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Okay, there’s actually a six-way tie for first place here. It’s really just too close to call. Did you know that Stanley Kubrick made this movie about weird underground sex clubs because he caught wind of Jeffrey Epstein and all that sicko shit and that’s why he lived in London because America and its elite weirded him out, then he spoke on it with this movie and they killed him for it? I refuse to research this any further, but I am pretty sure that’s exactly what went down. Pretty messed up, right? Hey, where are you going?

#1. Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Hey, would you like to hear all about how R. Lee Ermey was a real drill sergeant that nailed the audition and got the part? Or maybe how the jarring tonal differences between the film’s two segments were meant to highlight the journey of those that were drafted into the war, a disorienting but intentional statement on the chaos these young men were ordered to endure? Anyway, my dad was in Vietnam and he said this was the best Vietnam movie, so if you disagree with anything I say about how good this movie is I will be very annoying about this fact and try to make you feel like shit.

#1 Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Did you know this film was originally going to end in a pie fight? And that Lenny Bruce was offered a part? And that Peter Sellers originally was going to play every single role? I haven’t fact checked every last one of those, but they’re so fun to talk about I just keep telling anyone that will listen. And then even some other people that don’t want to listen.

#1. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Influencing everything from Star Wars to Barbie, I like to pretend I’m the only one of my friends that knows about this one. No matter what movies people are talking about, I will interject to tell you that 2001 is better, and refuse to elaborate on the parts of the movie that nobody understands. You either get it or you don’t, dude. Also, just to be extra annoying, I call it ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ every single time I refer to it. Unreal, right?

#1. The Shining (1980)

As the documentary Room 237 proved, you can literally make up any scenario and project it onto this movie. Moon landings, the plight of the Native American, hell, one lady thinks it’s all about minotaurs? The Shining is just an incredibly versatile film to be annoying about. Depending on the day, I can speculate about how this movie predicted anything from Hurricane Katrina to the rise and fall of Quibi.

#1. A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Oh my god, I don’t even know where to start on this one. Do you want to talk about the differences between the book and the movie? The soundtrack? You wanna just smoke a bowl and stare at my poster for a while? Before I get too excited about this opportunity and pass out, just remember that every element of this movie that doesn’t work was done that way on purpose to as to disorient the viewer, and any part that seems heavy handed or in poor taste is just you not getting some part of it. An absolute masterpiece (that it sounds like you might not be getting.)

Greta Gerwig: “For Two Months, I Thought Barbie Was a Margot Robbie Biopic”

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We had a chance to sit down with the wonderful director of Barbie, Little Women, and Lady Bird, to discuss her career and future! Please enjoy this interview with Greta Gerwig:

What was it like working so closely with your partner Noah Baumbach?

“I don’t think about Noah at all in my work, really. I don’t even know where he sleeps.”

Did you play with Barbie dolls as a kid?

“Not at all. Two months into filming was actually when I learned that we weren’t making a Margot Robbie biopic. I thought it was strange she was playing herself!”

What’s the most difficult acting job you’ve had?

“Pretending to be attracted to Ben Stiller in Greenberg.”

What’s your next big project?

“I’m thinking about writing and directing a sequel to Little Women called Big Women. The characters are all still children, but they’re much larger now. In many ways, it will be the first film ever to turn on ‘Big Head’ mode.”

Have you seen Oppenheimer yet?

“No, I do not like movies that glorify the villainous act of being over 3 hours long.”

What was your favorite part of working on Barbie?

“For me, I found so much joy in forcing my woke agenda onto today’s youth through subtle pieces of propaganda. That’s what art is all about.”

What’s your favorite color?

“Probably green.”

What are you trying to say with your movies?

“Being a woman is actually easy as all fuck.”

How does it feel having such a massive career as a director after making only three films?

“People always forget that I co-directed a movie before Ladybird. It came out in 1991 and was called Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.”

Do you think there will be a sequel to the Barbie movie?

“It is actually illegal in California to make more than $700 million dollars on a film and not make a sequel about the main character going to The City or Europe.”

Who would you love to cast as Barbie or Ken in the next Barbie movie?

“I think Danny Devito would be really funny as Ken. And for Barbie, I’d probably go with Danny Devito.”

How do you feel about the Mattel Cinematic Universe?

“Boo hoo, they’re making a bunch of movies about toys. Do you know what Stars Wars is? How about Marvel? What, you thought those were characters ripped from the collective unconscious? No. They’re toys. All of ‘em.”

What’s your favorite genre to work in?

“I love making comedy films, but it can be difficult for me. That’s why I named one of my movies ‘Frances Ha.’ Originally, it was just called Frances, but I wanted people to think of laughing while watching the movie.”

**What inspired you to make Barbie?**

“While my last several films have been well received, I couldn’t get anyone to produce any action figures based on Lady Bird or Frances Ha. I really just wanted to have toys based on a movie of mine, and this seemed like a better fit than the new Transformers film.”

Is it true you’ll be adapting C.S. Lewis’ Narnia books into feature films soon?

“Books? I thought I was adapting the 2005 Game Boy Advance game The Chronicles of Narnia!”

Come on. You’re telling me you didn’t know that the Narnia game was based on a book?

“No, I genuinely thought it was based on the Andy Samberg video.”

Is there any other piece of IP or franchise that you’d like to make a movie for?

“Yes.”

How do you feel about the SAG-AFTRA and WGA strikes?

“As a member of SAG, the WGA, and the DGA, I think all the unions should Voltron together into one giant union that takes over the U.S. government once and for all.”

What is something about Hollywood that most people don’t know?

“When you get famous enough, you can just clap your hands and yell ‘almonds!’ and someone will bring you at least five almonds right there.”

If you could work with anyone in Hollywood, who would it be?

“More than anything, I’d really love to collaborate with the 20-year-old child of a very powerful politician like Al Gore or Barack Obama.”

Do you like to pull any pranks on set?

“Every movie I fully submerge one member of the cast in molasses completely nude while everyone gathers around and boos. I don’t know why, I don’t even like it. It’s just something I do.”

Baldur’s Gate 3 Release Time & Preload Guide: When is BG3 Out?

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Wondering the exact release time of Baldur’s Gate 3, and curious about the game’s preload. We’ve got you covered with everything you need to know about the release of one of the biggest RPGs of the year!

Very close to the planned release date, development studio Larian had good news about the release date, with news of the game coming early instead of being delayed! Well, for PC players, at least. Here’s everything you need to know about the BG3 release time and preload!

When Does Baldur’s Gate 3 Come Out?

After being moved up from it’s original release date, Baldur’s Gate 3 will release on PC at 8 AM PDT/11 AM EDT on August 3. News of the bump came in a blog post, with the development team saying the game will now come “at a time where you’ll have more time to play it.” This has led many to speculate that the Baldur’s Gate 3 release time is moving to avoid competing with fellow major RPG Starfield. Either way, PC players get to experience the game nearly a month early!

On the other hand, though, PS5 players will get to play the game roughly a week later than expected. While not a major delay, it is a bit unfortunate that console players will have to wait longer for the game. At least PlayStation players aren’t in the same boat as Xbox players, who are currently stuck without even a release window to look forward to.

Can I Preload Baldur’s Gate 3?

Unfortunately, Baldur’s Gate 3 is unable to be preloaded ahead of the release. The game is a heavy hitter, too, coming in at over 120 GB. It seems like that even Early Access players will require a near complete reinstall, too, so be ready to be waiting for quite some time on release day. If you live in a rural area, have fun playing the game on the 5th!

That’s all you need to know about Baldur’s Gate 3 release time & preload! The moved-up BG3 release date is great news for players. The preload, not so much. If you’re looking for something to do in the meantime, consider downloading Exoprimal on Game Pass and checking out our guide to the best suits!

Tragic: Anime Switches to Shitty New Theme Song Right After You Started Liking Shitty Old Theme Song

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

CRANSTON, R.I. — Urgent cries from living rooms across the nation confirmed that the theme song to your favorite anime — which you had just started to enjoy — has been switched out for some cheesy garbage.

“I had just opened Crunchyroll to watch the new episode,” you are reported to have said, after explaining that you had been preparing for the latest season by binging the existing 352 episodes four times in a row. “I fell into the couch, ready to rock out to ‘Rise!! (The Monster-Fighting Hero Ascends).’ Seriously, I had a whole dance and everything. Before I could every mime the guitar riff at the start, I heard this terrible, unfamiliar drumbeat kick in. It totally threw me off. I could barely pay attention to the episode for, like, three whole watch-throughs.”

Katsumi Matsubara, who wrote the original manga and produces the anime, explained why he felt the change was necessary.

“This new season has an entirely different tone,” explained Matsubara. “I wanted the theme song to reflect the darker storyline. So, instead of using ‘Rise!! (The Monster-Fighting Hero Ascends)’ again, I asked a new band to write something completely different. They created ‘Skyborn Hero Defeats the Monsters,’ which I think better fits the content of the show at this time.”

Dan Barkley, an American anime critic, had a more cynical response to the switch.

“It’s a common technique that these production companies use to increase soundtrack sales,” said Barkley. “They’ve got it down to a science. As soon as fans have been habituated to one theme song long enough that they will feel compelled to buy the album, the song is changed. There’s a lot of thought that goes into these theme songs. Except for the times they just change it up to fuck with you, which is, frankly, pretty common as well.”

At press time, you were observed nodding your head along to the new theme after binging eight consecutive episodes.

Streamer Who Sits in Chair Six Hours a Day Sponsored by Energy Drink

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — A content creator that spends upwards of six to eight hours a day sitting still and playing video games has landed a lucrative sponsorship with an energy drink company, sources have confirmed.

“What’s up guys, just entering my fifth hour of minimal body movement and I wanted to give a shout out to my new sponsors Little Moose Energy Drink,” said partnered Twitch streamer Ryan Meyers, AKA 12Ram. “I’m now contractually obligated to drink three of these per stream, and I feel like my legs are going to run away from my body. Let’s play some more Fortnite before I start to freak out!”

Meyers’ behavior has reportedly grown erratic since the sponsorship began, with his usual steady flow of gaming interrupted with frequent pauses to around the room or do push-ups while screaming loudly.

“12Ram fell off,” said one subscriber, when asked about the recent streams. “He used to be a chill dude that played games and cracked jokes, and you could really see why he gained so many followers so soon. But now that he just drinks those weird Moose drinks and spins around in his chair most of the time, I’m enjoying it much, much less. Good on you for getting paid, but like, are we sure this is good for him? I think I saw him have a seizure the last time I watched. Dude is just drinking way too many energy drinks.”

As of press time, 12Ram had begun bench pressing his gaming chair during a stream.

“You Kids Are So Reliant on Technology” Says Grandma With Pacemaker

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Local grandmother Gertrude Wallace recently scolded her grandchildren for their apparent reliance on technology, despite needing the most expensive gadget in the house to keep her heart beating at all times, sources confirmed.

“What a hypocrite,” said Ray Wallace, after his grandmother asked him to quit using his iPad at the dinner table. “Okay, if we’re not doing devices I guess you’ll go first, right Granny? Oh, and what about Dad? I guess he doesn’t have to take his ankle bracelet off, huh? This family is so full of hypocrites. As soon as Dad doesn’t need me to drive him to work anymore, I am so out of here!”

Despite Ray’s arguments, Gertrude insisted the comparison wasn’t fair.

“This is hardly some fun piece of technology,” she said, of the pacemaker that was installed several years ago to address her slow heartbeat. “Nor is it particularly new. I quite literally need it to live, and my grandson just compared it to his Angry Birds game. I’m not advocating for anybody to go without whatever technological devices might assist their health, I’m just asking to not be alone with my thoughts at the dinner table for Pete’s sake!”

The argument was merely the latest in a series of similar fights that have alienated other family members.

“I find it best to stay out of their arguments, since they both raise some pretty good points about the nature of technology in the modern age,” said Buck Wallace, Gertrude’s son, while drinking beers in the garage. “She’s right when she says that today’s kids are largely being raised by unmonitored screen time and that there is no way that is good for them on any level, but also, he has her ass over a barrel with that pace maker thing. Is it so different? I don’t know. Maybe not.”

As of press time, Gertrude the hypocrite was using her tablet to call her friend and complain about kids today.

Every Avenger Ranked by How Likely They’d Be to Save Me, a Muslim

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Aaraf Afzal

Earth’s Mightiest Heroes? More like Earth’s Mightiest MENACES! It’s no secret that the Avengers cause a lot of collateral damage — so they have to prioritize who to save and when. Ever since Thor flew through the local Halal Guys, I’ve found myself thinking about which ones I can count on to have my back if they know I’m Muslim. Here’s my best guess, arranged in a neatly ranked list based on existing reports.

#24 — Hawkeye

Some Americans go to Asia to “find themselves.” Hawkeye went on a five-year killing spree in Japan to lose himself. This man has not examined his biases a day in his life. If he sees me getting mugged, he’s tying up both of us “just in case.”

#23 — Scarlet Witch

She will simply kill me. It has nothing to do with my race / religion though, so I’ll take my chances with her over Hawkeye.

#22 — Nebula

I am not even in Nebula’s jurisdiction, but that’s okay. She spent a brief amount of time on Earth and picked up a “Blue Lives Matter” sticker for herself. She doesn’t totally get what it means, but that’s also okay.

#21 — War Machine

Rhodey is a military man first and foremost. I hear he’s saved a Muslim or two in his time, but he’s at least indirectly responsible for what happened to my buddy Yusuf. Some people don’t get Stark Tech to help them walk, Rhodey.

#20 — Nick Fury

Also a military guy, but at least we hang out. Fury always makes the time to chat with me at parties — but we both know: If there’s a fire, he’s ditching me to save the VIP room.

#19 — Black Widow

Natasha “doesn’t see color.” She also doesn’t see “me” trapped in the aftermath of all she’s wrought.

#18 — Vision

I had high hopes for Vision, but he got really into Jordan Peterson after the Sokovia Accords went down. Who is he to decide if my life is any more valuable than a serial killer’s? Impossible to say.

#17 — Thor

Thor says if he were my god, I wouldn’t have to pray five times a day — and he would let (make) me drink, and we could keep our shoes on in the mosque. I told him that’s not how it works and he’s being weirdly bitter about it.

#16 — Wasp

I don’t know how to explain it, but Wasp fasts during Ramadan. She doesn’t know any Muslims, but she likes to feel like she’s a part of something bigger.

#15 — Winter Soldier

Bucky thinks “woke culture has gone too far,” but he doesn’t see what religion has to do with anything. Sure, he’ll save an Islam.

#14 — Rocket Raccoon

I’m not under Rocket’s protection either, but he ranks above Nebula because he’s secretly a sweetheart who fights for marginalized lives everywhere. He’ll save me but he’ll kinda be a dick about it. “Can ya hook me up with some Muzz-lam tech?” No, man.

#13 — Doctor Strange

He took the Hippocratic oath. I don’t know or care if he’s racist. He is legally obligated to save me.

#12 — Iron Man

Depending on his mood, Tony would save me either because he’s (A) repenting for a lifetime of mistakes, or (B) really into shawarma. But he’d also pat me on the back for being “one of the good ones.” Between you and me, I think he was just as liable for Yusuf as Rhodey was. But Yusuf won’t hear it. He just really wants Tony Stark to sign his Iron Man merch.

#11 — Quicksilver

Quicksilver really wants to be friends, but he’s trying too hard in my opinion. He wants to speedrun the five prayers any% and he wants me to show him the beaches in Bangladesh sometime. He keeps saving me hoping it’s Ramadan, so he can say “Oh, you are fasting? Me too, haha.”

#10 — Shuri

Shuri doesn’t get out of Wakanda much — but if she gets a ping about me drowning off the coast, she’ll be at the scene. She has notes though. “Your form could have been better,” “You were wearing that near the water?” “Ew. Who is your barber? You should wear hijab,” etc.

#9 — Captain America

Steve Rogers is an egalitarian. I’m confident he’d move heaven and earth to save me. Half my family would be starstruck, but the other half would be disappointed. My uncle thinks it sends the wrong message about interventionism and I should’ve just taken the L on this one.

#8 — Shang-Chi

Shang-Chi lives in San Francisco, so he knows a bunch of Muslims in tech. He respects that I’m trying to make it as a writer and thinks I should open a Patreon (though he didn’t explicitly say he’d subscribe). My dad’s not an international crime lord, but honestly? We vibe.

#7 — Okoye

Okoye will save me — albeit reluctantly. For the record, she has nothing against Muslims. She just can’t stand gamers.

#6 — The Hulk

I don’t put much stock in heroes who say “Of course I’d save you! I have Muslim friends!” but Bruce Banner has seven PhDs. When he says he has Muslim friends, I believe him.

#5 — Captain Marvel

Of course she’d save me! She has a Muslim friend.

#4 — Falcon

Sam Wilson will pull me out of a burning car while giving me movie recommendations. It won’t be a Kumail Nanjiani flick either; he’s seen some foreign films about Muslims that’ll change my life.

#3 — Ant-Man

Not only will Scott save me, but he’ll also be really earnest when he asks “Whoa, not even a sketch?” “So if you can’t draw Allah, how do you know what He looks like?” “Do you have to say Peace Be Upon Him every time?” Honestly, he asks a lot of questions — but I appreciate him for trying to learn.

#2 — Spider-Man

Spider-Man grew up in Queens. He saves like 20 Muslims a day and probably donates clothes for Eid. Peter Parker is an honorary Muslim, MashaAllah.

#1 — Black Panther

T’Challa isn’t Muslim but he knows more about the faith than I do. He’ll save me in pretty much every scenario. The caveat: he’ll embarrass me so badly in front of my family that I might die afterwards.

Honorable Mention — Ms. Marvel

She’s not an Avenger yet, but I have to acknowledge there’s a Muslim superhero out there before someone badgers me about it. People keep asking me if I know her and I keep having to say “We don’t all know each other!” It’s so annoying.

(I do though. We met at a wedding.)

Masahiro Sakurai: “I Will Lock Myself in a Room With the Entire Cast of Smash Bros If Nintendo Doesn’t Let Me Make the Next Game”

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We had the chance to sit down with Super Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai and learn all about his process and history as an iconic video game developer!

How do you feel about the next Smash Bros game?

“I cannot imagine another Smash Bros game without me being involved. That’s why if Nintendo says no, I plan on locking myself in a room with the entire cast of Ultimate and murder/suiciding us all.”

Which Smash Bros character is your favorite?

“I love all my children equally. I birthed them, afterall! Ha ha. Bowser… he was tough to get out.”

Why can’t you imagine another Smash Bros game without you?

“No one else can be trusted with this technology. In my youth, I had a traumatic experience destroying a kid in Street Fighter. Now, I’ve vowed to never let a competitive fighting game fall into the wrong hands. I’m like Oppenheimer, truly.”

What features do you want to bring to Smash Bros 6?

“I’d like to make the main menu even more confusing. Ultimately, Smash Bros is a series about pushing the boundaries of how annoying a main menu can be.”

Are there any characters you wish could have been included Ultimate?

“What? 86 goddamn characters isn’t enough for you? Are you kidding me?! Screw you!!”

How do you feel about Crazy Hand?

“I do feel bad that we called him that word. It feels cruel. If I could go back and change the games, I’d definitely make them Master Hand and Different Hand.”

What’s it like being a famous game developer?

“I don’t consider myself a game developer. I’m a YouTuber.”

How has the industry changed since you began your career?

“Things are way more strict. When I started, they were all like ‘Do whatever you want with Yoshi. We don’t care about that dumb dino. Let all the characters beat his ass.’ Now, Yoshi is in prison for his various crimes.”

Why did you name the game Super Smash Bros. if only two of the characters are brothers?

“Nintendo would not let me name the game Super Bang Bros.”

Do you follow the competitive Ultimate scene at all?

“No, I could never find myself being a part of such a perverted group of people who think it’s OK to publicly play a video game competitively.”

Do you follow the Melee scene?

“I don’t follow Melee at all, but I will admit I did go to one tournament. And you could say it made me a little…crabby! 😉

What is your biggest regret in your career?

“E3 2014. I got the Sweet Southwest Chicken Strips for lunch when I should have gotten the Bacon Habanero Ranch Burger.”

How do you feel about Project M?

“It is sick to me to force characters, against their will, to revert to their Melee states. What if they liked to trip? They made so much progress as people and had that all ripped from them. For what? New meteor smash mechanics?!'”

Was wavedashing actually intentional?

“People would be surprised by how many seemingly intentional features were complete accidents. Until 2005, no one on the dev team had any idea that Marth is a boy.”

Did you know that if you shock Samus with Pikachu and pause at the perfect moment, you can see Samus naked?

“Yes, that’s intentional.”

What’s your favorite part of the development cycle?

“Playing two characters at the same time using two controllers in those videos we make to promote the games. That shit makes everybody go cray cray.”

What are you working on right now?

“Figuring out what color chairs to put in my office so that people think we’re going to add Master Chief as a playable character.”

How do you feel about the Mii fighters?

“They sicken me. People just use those to see themselves get stepped on by Zero Suit Samus. Disgusting.”

Which game in the franchise is your favorite?

“I dunno, they’re all basically the same shit.”

Do you consider Smash Bros. a fighting game?

“Smash Bros. is not a true fighting game, no. You can call it a ‘platform fighter’ if you’d like, but that’s not accurate. Because the characters don’t really fight. They love each other dearly.”

What do you think of the success of the Mario movie? Was it weird seeing Mario and Donkey Kong battle on a Smash Bros. style platform?

“Wait. The WHAT movie?!”

Our Uncle Works at Nintendo: Every Rumor We’ve Heard About Their Next Console

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Rumors are circulating about Nintendo’s long awaited follow up to their wildly successful 2017 Switch hardware. While very little is known for sure, here’s what has been reported so far:

New buttons

Following the A and B buttons, then C-stick, the D-pad, and e-Reader technology, the new Nintendo console will feature something merely known at this point as the “F-ball.” Nintendo has cautioned that this peripheral will be their first ‘adults-only’ product.

Backwards compatibility

Nintendo is reportedly going to make the new system fully backwards compatible with the Switch, meaning players’ purchases and save files will carry over to the new system. Unless they don’t!

Will feature access to games from retro systems like the NES and the Wii

That’s right, the Wii is 16 years old. Isn’t that so funny?

Will encourage gamers to stay active

In fact, Nintendo has confirmed that the system will be fully solar powered, meaning the system’s handheld functionality will be limited to players standing outside during nice weather.

Will be the most highly anticipated game system of 2013.

The specs are rumored to rival that of the PS4, and some even believe the system will have blu ray capabilities.

Fans will be accepting, no matter what Nintendo does

“Hard to imagine them not just absolutely nailing this,” said Dave Osborne, who just got into video games last week.

Games will be delicious

After developing technology that made Switch cartridges unappetizing to the taste buds of dogs and other animals, Nintendo wants to “go the other direction,” for this system, and apparently, “see how that goes.”

Requires constant connection

In addition to needing an internet connection at all times, the new Nintendo hardware will reportedly also require some part of it be touching you at all times, otherwise causing a system reformatting.

Doug Bowser has walked back recent controversial comments

Bowser: “My excitement over this upcoming console sadly caused a fervor in me that caused me to state that the new Nintendo system will have ‘more balls than the Chicago Bears locker room’. While I do not regret my enthusiasm, I regret my poor choice of words. I let my excitement for both our new system and the 2023 NFL season get the better of me, I’m afraid. I will do better. Go Bears.”

Will be permanently sticky

Nintendo apologizes for this, and hopes to figure out a solution in future models of the console.

All major Nintendo franchises expected to release installments on the new system

Except for Metroid Prime 4, of course.

Ditching HDMI, bringing back the RF adapter

“To appeal to the retro gamers out there,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser.

New Smash Bros. Game

In an attempt to somehow outdo the high bar set last time, the new Smash Bros game is heavily rumored to feature every prominent video game character ever created. Except for Geno and Waluigi.

New name

The next Nintendo console will be a massive departure from the Switch, and such, will have a bold new name. According to insiders, the new console will be called the “Switch U.”

Higher capabilities

Nintendo has promised that the next console will be far more powerful than the Switch, capable of joy-con drift levels the likes of which gamers have never seen.

Free tickets

Shigeru Miyamoto has promised to slip 5 golden tickets into boxes for the next Nintendo console, which will grant them a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the company’s infamous factories.

Rumored to release the second half of 2024

If so, please be cool with us reposting this once or twice, okay? Thank you!

Upgraded sound technology

In addition to the expected jump to 4K graphics, early leaks have revealed Mario’s common enemies like koopas and cheep cheeps expressing more accurate dying noises than ever before thanks to advances in sound technology. “It’s just too much,” said one anonymous person that had seen the footage. “I don’t want to hear all that.”

You have to know a guy

If you want to get your hands on one of these in the first year, that’s the deal. Sorry. Wasn’t this easier in 2006 when we all knew someone that worked at a GameStop?

Mom says you can’t keep it in your room

Don’t get mad at us. We’re just the ones telling you.

Every Final Fantasy Protagonist Ranked by How Well They Would Do on RuPaul’s Drag Race

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

There’s plenty of commentary online about the fashion choices Final Fantasy characters make. Whether they’re wearing vests that are inappropriate for the climate, styling their hair in ways that defy physics, or strapping an excessive number of belts in places they don’t belong, these characters certainly have a flair for the dramatic.

It’s not hard to imagine them taking their sartorial enthusiasm to its natural conclusion: drag. But which protagonist would bring home the Drag Race FF crown, winning ~~an enormous cash prize~~ a trip to Square Enix headquarters and the opportunity to appear in an upcoming mobile game? Check the list below to find out.

Note: Final Fantasy XI and XIV are MMOs, so the protagonist is a player-created character. Rather than leaving those games off the list, I’ve included the NPCs that usually represent the entries in other titles.

Honorable Mention — Warriors of Light (Final Fantasy)

Drag Name: They can never stick with one

You know the Warriors of Light from your local scene. They keep talking about how they’re going to submit a tape for Drag Race, but it’s absolutely wild they think they’d make it. They claim they’re “chameleons” and “pioneers” but they’ve only got six looks between the four of them — twelve, if we’re being generous. Question for the Warriors of Light: If you’re such iconic queens, why doesn’t anyone know your names?

24 — Cecil Harvey (Final Fantasy IV)

Drag Name: Mindy Moon

Out of drag, Cecil is stuffy, awkward, and modest. But once he puts on his makeup and gets on stage? Yeah, still stuffy, awkward, and modest. He’s having a good time, though, and won’t take it too personally when he gets the Porkchop treatment. He’ll be happy to watch from the sidelines and cheer on his friends.

23 — Luneth (Final Fantasy III)

Drag Name: Olivia Onion

Luneth sashays away very early after an embarrassing onion-themed Commercial Challenge. He will mention the Drag Race in all future marketing, but most people will honestly forget he was part of the cast at all.

22 — Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)

Drag Name: Lexx Soldier

He’s got the most drag experience of anyone on this list, sure. That doesn’t mean he would last very long. You know who else had a ton of experience? Joe Black and Vivacious.

21 — Gladiolus Amicitia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Gladiolus)

Drag Name: Gladdy Glucious

You know how it’s always neat at first when there’s more than one queen from the same scene and they know each other, but it gets grating really quickly? Imagine if there were five of them. Gladiolus is definitely going to be the most obnoxious about it. This might be wishful thinking, but I think he gets the chop early.

20 — Serah Farron (Final Fantasy XIII-2)

Drag Name: Thunder (Ugh, I know)

There will definitely be a bit of a Sugar and Spice vibe with Serah and Lightning because they’re siblings and everything they wear is off the rack. Everyone will hate them until Serah badly loses a Lip Sync For Your Life, earning her a little bit of sympathy out of sheer secondhand embarrassment.

19 — Firion (Final Fantasy II)

Drag Name: Rose Wild

All of the other queens would pay homage to Firion by talking about how much she inspired them when they were getting into the scene. Ru would let Firion stick around for a few weeks out of respect, but this new generation is just too much for him to handle, and frankly, he’s lost a step.

18 — Clive Rosfield (Final Fantasy XVI)

Drag Name: Cid the Outlaw

Once he learns about the plight of the Pit Crew, his whole world is going to be turned upside down.

17 — Noel Kreiss (Final Fantasy XIII-2)

Drag Name: Blu Blayze

Noel would fight really hard for a particular part during an Acting Challenge, then totally blow it by not going big enough. The guest judge would even give him that exact note in the rehearsal and he would act all grateful then give an even worse performance during the challenge.

16 — Zack Fair (Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII)

Drag Name: Zax Zymbol

Zack’s good looks, charming personality, and immediate aptitude at anything he tries should take him far, but he’ll eventually leave voluntarily, saying that competing against his friends is messing with his mental health. He’ll come to regret that decision and join a season of All Stars, where he’ll lose after Sephiroth chooses Zack’s lipstick despite the fact that they had formed an alliance.

15 — Prompto Argentum (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Prompto)

Drag Name: Cammie Rah

Prompto is a comedy queen who unexpectedly wins an early Photoshoot Challenge and gets way too big for his britches. Yeah, you know a lot about photography. You still can’t dance, Prompto.

14 — Bartz Klauser (Final Fantasy V)

Drag Name: Betty Batz

Bartz’s carefree attitude and frequent use of strange, old-timey expressions would definitely earn him an early reputation as a comedy queen. That will end up working against him when he totally bombs an Improvisation Mini Challenge. Sure, it’s not as bad as screwing up a Maxi or runway, but it would eat at him for the rest of the episode and torpedo his chances of avoiding a bottom two finish.

13 — Ignis Scientia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Ignis)

Drag Name: Spencer Spexx

Everyone would underestimate Ignis until there was a Stand-up Challenge or Roast. He would shock everyone with a clever and insightful routine, but would still get absolutely destroyed in the edit. Just hard cuts to stone-faced audience members interlaced with the other queens destroying him in talking head interviews. He’d also perform an impressive lip sync due to his heightened non-sight senses, but he’d still get the chop. Ru has seen enough.

12 — Y’shtola (Final Fantasy XIV)

Drag Name: Shtola Shade

Y’shtola plays high-status characters very well, but falls on her face when she needs to clown a little after being assigned Zidane in an Everybody Loves Puppets Challenge. Throughout the season, she provides some well-appreciated contrast with a few expertly-executed masc looks. Han Solo, Rambo, even Brando from Streetcar — just some really interesting ideas that you don’t see a lot on the show.

11 — Lightning (Final Fantasy XIII)

Drag Name: Lightning is already her drag name

After Serah gets sent home, Lightning will get a generous edit and keep advancing even when she totally doesn’t deserve to. Everyone will talk about how she has “grown” in the absence of her sister. Please.

10 — Tidus (Final Fantasy X)

Drag Name: Tiddy Blitz

TRADE ALERT! No, I don’t mean Tidus is getting dealt to another blitzball team. Unfortunately, he’s also dumb as a rock. This poor himbo is gonna get read to shreds, and he won’t even understand the jokes. Plus, his looks would get stale quick: “Oh, cool, you incorporated your passion for blitzball into your outfit. Again.”

9 — Noctis Lucis Caelum (Final Fantasy XV)

Drag Name: Lia Regal

So, yeah, he took his drag name from his dad’s car. There’s a lot to unpack there. But honestly, I think Noctis could really find himself through drag. He definitely possesses the leadership necessary to keep everyone in line during a Girl Group Challenge. He’s not finishing at the top, but he’d stick around for a bit.

8 — Vaan (Final Fantasy XII)

Drag Name: Ratsbane

Vaan hangs around way longer than you would expect, because nothing he does really stands out at all, good or bad. He does just well enough to get through the challenges, but eventually falls flat on his face when forced to improvise. He just freezes.

7 — Yuna (Final Fantasy X-2)

Drag Name: Tiny B.

Yuna would be in a fight for her life from week one. Luckily, her extensive wardrobe and status as a certified lip-sync assassin would keep her in the game longer than many would expect. Her downfall would come via a terrible impression of Paine during Snatch Game.

6 — Shantotto (Final Fantasy XI)

Drag Name: Doctor Shan

Shantotto isn’t here to make friends — in fact, she openly expresses her disdain about all of the other contestants, frequently mentioning how much better her drag is. The one person she respects is Ru, who she refers to exclusively as “Mother.” Despite a disappointing finish, she builds a strong brand, refusing to accept a future invitation to All Stars because she believes she’s gotten too big for the show.

5 — Ardyn Izunia (Final Fantasy XV: Episode Ardyn)

Drag Name: Mars Sapientia

Ardyn doesn’t win, but he’s this season’s producer. He’ll be protected until close to the final challenge to maximize drama. It’s not entirely unearned, either. He’s incredible with makeup, which really helps him out during the Makeover Challenge, when they bring in Dragon Quest protagonists to try drag.

4 — Terra Branford (Final Fantasy VI)

Drag Name: Ann Igma

Terra would fly under the radar at first, managing to stay in the game with Moogle-inspired runway looks. Just as everyone started to sleep on her, she would take some rehearsal notes from Michelle to heart and absolutely own the Rusical. That performance alone would get her an appearance on All Stars sometime down the line.

3 — Vincent Valentine (Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII)

Drag Name: Vicky Sins

Vincent is a master at creating a striking silhouette. He might not have a ton of looks, but they’re all top tier. He’d kill the Photoshoot Challenge. Also, try and tell me that his whole taciturn persona isn’t just a bit that he’s way too committed to. You can’t.

2 — Squall Leonhart (Final Fantasy VIII)

Drag Name: Grace Griever

You might think that it would be difficult to incorporate a gunblade into a runway look every week, but you would be wrong. It’s a gunblade. It goes with everything.

1 — Zidane Tribal (Final Fantasy IX)

Drag Name: Tandy Lush

Zidane is Ru’s clear favorite from episode one. A bright, lively face in a sea of sullen countenances, Ru would protect Zidane even when he fucks up because he doesn’t know how to sew even thought there’s always a challenge that involves sewing. He even has the perfect “tragic backstory that belies his carefree persona” to share once he reaches the final four! There’s just no contest here. Unfortunately, the win will eventually be tarnished when the allegations of harassment surface.