Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Every Evangelion Angel Ranked by How Caring a Boyfriend They’d Be

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Rob Steinberg

Look, we’ve all dedicated hours of drawing lessons to perfect fan art of Shinji and Kowaru together as the perfect couple. But of all the angels, is Kowaru the best dating option? Let’s look at who the options are for which Angel would be the best boyfriend material.

#17 — Bardiel

Bardiel will manipulates the hell out of anyone they encounter. They will make you lose contact with all your friends because they have “toxic energy” or some shit. By the end you’ll be questioning all the decisions that led you to being with them.

#16 — Arael

Arael thinks negging is a pick up skill. Will bring up sensitive issues from your past without any care. Wears a “triggered much?” t-shirt over their celestial body.

#15 — Iruel

Doesn’t have a body but still somehow really needs a shower. Uses your computer for sketchy websites. Thinks they’re smarter than you despite that you’re both living at your parents house.

#14 — Adam

You constantly try to meet up with him but have no clue where he is and is annoying to get a hold of. They’ll text you days later and say “hey sorry just saw this” then not respond for another few days. Spends time with Gendo so has annoying friends.

#13 — Matarael

Cries to get what they want. Total loser.

#12 — Leliel

Will take you to some great art events around the city. You’ll be amazed by this at first but as time goes will drag you into his problems and make them yours. Waaay too into their own looks. How everyone perceives them is everything.

#11 — Sahaquiel

Will smother you with attention and be in denial when told it’s too much. Let me tell you from experience: you don’t wanna date a guy whose just two weird big hands and an eye.

#10 — Sandalphon

You met Sandalphon when he was a baby. Do you really want to date a baby? Sure he grows up, but it doesn’t matter because first impressions are everything.

#9 — Ramiel

Ramiel is only interested in sex. Not even interested in foreplay or anything kinky. Rebuild version is kinkier but when it comes to the original Ramiel is just into plain ol’ missionary drilling. Either way doesn’t care about any meaningful connections.

#8 — Shamshel

Tries to be a good lover but is just awkward around you. Doesn’t know what to do with their hands so they just flail everywhere.

#7 — Lilith

Everyone tries to hook up with Lilith so you have to work extra hard to get their attention. But if that’s the case, they will always be thinking about their other options in the back of their mind.

#6 — Sachiel

Sachiel seems special because he’s the first angel you ever met, but in hindsight is the most basic, bland type of boyfriend you could possibly meet. Probably tried to impress you with a Sublime song.

#5 — Gaghiel

A pool boy. Summer fling at best. Likes to wrestle. Your not serious about him, he’s not serious about you, just let things happen and move on.

#4 — Tabris

Tabris is very caring. He will make you feel like the most important one in the room. Sometimes however, it feels like he’s only saying what you want to hear. People might be upset about this ranking, but it’s a little too weird that he never disagreed with you once, ya know?

#3 — Israfel

He is all about synchronicity. Communication is everything for this guy. He also prefers seeing multiple partners at once and will make you have to have dinner with the other members of the open relationship. They are respectful to everyone, but it can be very exhausting.

#2 — Armisael

Really is all about trying to know the real you. Knows how to talk to you like no one else does. Is all about sharing their feelings.

#1 — Zeruel

Just look at those arms. This is someone who likes to hug, likes to cuddle. Plus the broad shoulders that ooze confidence. This is one angel who lives their own life but will be there for yours. Makes you feel free of any constraints holding you back.

Every Upcoming Mattel Adaptation Ranked by Their Cinematic Potential

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Well, we’re off to the races. Barbie is this decade’s Iron Man, which means somewhere around the time the fourth DOA Fantastic Four movie arrives we’ll also be up to our sweet asses in movies based on toys and getting sick of it. There’s a recently released list of 14 properties Mattel is planning on following up Barbie with, and to be frank, it’s largely pretty absurd. I’ve ranked them all based on how well I think they lend themselves to being turned into movies. Yes, I know that a lot of these have specific writers, directors, or actors attached to them that I don’t mention here, and that’s fine. I don’t care.

14. Christmas Balloon

This one is just some heart warming true story about a girl tying a wish list to a balloon and some lovely couple finding it and hooking her up. There’s definitely a story there, but when you think about it, damn, they gave this balloon a movie. I can’t get anyone to read my screenplay, but they’re out here giving movies to balloons. Maybe I should learn to code or work on cars or something. A damn balloon! Ahh!

13. UNO

I think I’d rather eat a deck of cards than sit through some Flamin’ Hot bullshit about the guys that made up UNO. How exactly do you adapt a card game best known for making people argue? Beats me. They’ll probably do some Jumanji-inspired thing. Kid’s gonna turn his neighborhood green. No thanks. Also, you can play a Draw Four on a Draw Four to stack it to the next player. On this, there is no debate.

12. View Master

View Master was a little headset to stare at 3-D photographs in, like VR with JPEGs. I’d love it if View Master went ballsy and committed to just being still images of a random episode of Star Trek paused for a few minutes at a time up on the screen like a slideshow. But no, they’ll probably just have some kids find a spooky one or something.

11. Polly Pocket

There were a lot of toys where the appeal was “Hey kids, this thing is like, really small.” I suspect toy companies liked these because they were cheaper to produce than larger models, and I think kids responded to them due to a mix of novelty and the fact that they were toys that were easily smuggled into school and funerals. Makes sense to me. However, as a film, I don’t see the appeal. I’m not sure how many people saw Barbie and said, “Great, but can everything be smaller and less recognizable?”

10. Magic 8-Ball

Clearly pretty dumb, but I do think our shared familiarity with the Magic 8-Ball could work in its favor. We’ve spent a lifetime reading the same half dozen things these things ever say. Imagine the horror if someone asked a Magic 8-Ball if they were going to die soon and the answer said “You bet your ass, Dylan!” Now that’s actually pretty scary. View Master could never.

9. American Girl

Okay, this one is dolls. You can totally do dolls. Barbie, Child’s Play, Bratz, hell, G.I. Joe, they’re all dolls. Guys & Dolls. Welcome to the Dollhouse. The list goes on. Trolls. They did Trolls, right? Probably. So yeah, if all that shit can be a movie, then these dolls that shares a name with a Tom Petty song that be used in the trailer definitely get to be a movie.

8. Hot Wheels

All of these movies have some cinematic appeal if you go The LEGO Movie route, but I think that’s a cop out at this point. I don’t want cute and meta, I want a world where tiny cars roam the house because it’s their whole world. I want to see Fury Road on the kitchen table. Hot Wheels could be cool as hell, and JJ Abrams better not mess it up, because we’re probably about two years away from a Micro Machines movie that’s just gonna pick up whatever bag gets fumbled here. At least Micro Machines has a human involved with it, too. Give me the movie about this guy.

7. Matchbox

Oh, like Matchbox cars? Okay, forget what I said about the Micro Machines movie in the Hot Wheels entry and apply it here to Matchbox cars. Yeah, I really think the second Mattel movie based on little toy cars could be the one that pops off. I’m calling it. Oh and hey, Mattel already has the rights to “Push,” by Matchbox 20 after Barbie, so that feels like a no brainer here.

6. Barney

Daniel Kaluuya has said that this Barney story will be darker than fans might expect. I guarantee you that at some point you’ll hear a few piano notes and some children singing the classic song all spooky like: “I love youuuu/You love meeeeeee.” I hate to admit it, but yeah, compared to the rest of this shit there’s cinematic potential there. Especially if they book the Charles Barkley cameo this thing is begging for.

5. Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots

They have made a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots movie every few years since I was a kid. From Robot Jox to Real Steel. So yeah man, come do your thing king, they’ve been ripping you off for years. And hey, there’s no way this comes out any worse than Robot Wars, the inferior sequel to Robot Jox. (I really just can’t believe I get to write about Robot Jox. Look at this shit!)

4. Major Matt Mason

This is some astronaut shit from the ’60s so it should come to nobody’s surprise that Tom Hanks is all over it. You know how Tom Cruise keeps wanting to do bigger and better stunts? Tom Hanks has that same level of passion, except it’s reserved for the couple of times we let some dorks jump around on the Moon 50 years ago. Anyway, this one makes sense as a movie. Honestly, the worst thing going against it is the fact that they made that weird Lightyear thing last year, because they could probably just to something like that here.

3. Thomas & Friends

In my opinion, an adaptation of a television series that ran for over 35 years ought to provide a little more natural to turn into a film than some of the literal household objects found elsewhere on the list. I don’t think that’s a very bold claim to make. Also, did you ever see that Skyrim mod where they put Thomas in there? Dude is begging to be on the big screen.

2. Wishbone

Wishbonnnnnne!! I don’t know very much about you, but look what a good boy you are. I’ve seen you around but never knew your whole deal. Wikipedia tells me you relieve old literature. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s probably as cool and plausible as solving mysteries or playing basketball. Sounds good to me. I love you, Wishbone.

1. Masters of the Universe

This one has the most cinematic appeal by far. And I’m not just saying this because 1987’s Masters of the Universe film was the first movie I got way too into as a child. This property has a fanbase, a bunch of stories, and a deep cast of characters. The rest of this list is like, toy buckets and shit. He-Man rules, and I don’t want to watch a movie about a Magic 8-Ball unless it’s the sequel to Cocaine Bear.

Are the Aliens Real? We Investigated BOTH SIDES of the Argument and Found the TRUTH

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Are there actually aliens out there on our planet? With all the disinformation, it’s so hard to tell what’s real and what’s fake. Thankfully, we’ve gone through the details and found the arguments on both sides of this issue, presenting for you to make your own conclusion. Here’s all the YESes and all the NOs!

YES: Everything is terrible, so why not?

From global pandemics, to invasions of killer bugs, to tornadoes made of fire, it seems like every single day we get news that the world is an even more horrifying hellhole than the day it was before. So fuck it. Why not aliens now?

NO: Intelligence agents literally lie about everything

Oh wow, the guy who just recovered from Havana Syndrome says he saw a little green guy? Let me guess: the aliens just took over a bunch of countries in the Middle East with huge supplies of oil and we’ve gotta go to war with them to SAVE EARTH!

YES: The guy from Blink-182 said he saw an alien

Blink-182 are the great thinkers of our time. From their Marxist sayings like, “work sucks, I know” to their contemplations on aging like, “nobody likes you when you’re 23,” Blink-182 has led millions to the everlasting fountain of knowledge.

NO: Blink-182 has not put out a good song in decades

Blink-182 can’t be on the forefront of the greatest scientific discovery of my generation. They just can’t be. This is like if Sum 41 stops climate change.

YES: There’s all sorts of crazy shit out there

One time I literally saw a ghost. Well, I didn’t see a ghost, but I felt the presence of a ghost. Like I was just sitting around and boom: it felt like there was another person in the room with me, even though there WASN’T. So anyway it’s pretty small-minded to think there’s not aliens.

NO: Humans are special

If there’s aliens out there in the world, then humans aren’t special anymore. Is that what you want? You don’t want to be a special little species anymore? What’s next, trying to make sure the planet doesn’t die?! GROW UP.

YES: You have to do your own research

It’s easy to say that the government is simply lying about having aliens, but if you just do all of your own independent research, you can connect the dots for yourself. Check out this blog that looks like it hasn’t been updated since 1995, but it HAS.

NO: I am not going to do my own research

I am not a scientist and I’m sorry but you sound like an anti-vaxxer. I write jokes about Waluigi doing sex acts for a living.

YES: Statistically, aliens must exist somewhere

If you think about how many gajillion planets there are in the universe, there simply HAS to be one that can also sustain sentient life. If you think aliens don’t exist anywhere in space then what you really don’t believe in is math. You’re on some 2+2=5 shit fr.

NO: Show me a picture of the aliens

If the government has actually obtained aliens, then they need to show me some kind of photo or video of the aliens that doesn’t look like it was taken with a device made in 1907. DO NOT tell me you have a “video” of an alien and then show me a black and white video of a dot “moving in a way that isn’t possible.”

YES: If you actually saw a picture of the aliens, you would still think it’s fake

One time I sent you a picture of the dog I got and you literally thought it was photoshopped because of the “pixels” until I brought you to my house and introduced you to the dog. If someone leaks a picture of the alien, you’re just gonna say it’s CGI or AI or “a really good drawing.”

NO: The government claimed to have a UFO and non-human bodies

That doesn’t even mean anything about aliens! That could literally be a piece of debris from a weird airplane that crashed into a squirrel! Wow, the President has obtained a hostile non-human body?! Yeah, he has three dogs that keep biting the shit out of people at the White House.

YES: Did you see that video of Mitch McConnell?

You cannot tell me it didn’t look like he was either possessed by an alien in that moment or he literally is an alien and his body suit malfunctioned. I’m sorry, I’m a reasonable person but I refuse to believe for a second that Mitch McConnell is a regular human being.

NO: Everybody who runs our country is 1,000 years old

The scarier reality than the potential existence of aliens is the fact that we are being ruled by an evil race of goblin-people whose bodies are withering away before our very eyes and they’re straight up just human politicians who are really old.

YES: It would be cool if aliens were real

I cannot keep waking up, going to work, eating dinner, watching a TV show, going to sleep, and doing the same thing the next day. We need aliens to be real. This shit is so goddamn boring. An alien race needs to blow up Boston with a laser or some shit or I’m gonna lose my mind.

NO: I’m rewatching The Sopranos

I’m only on season 2 and if aliens show up and destroy the power grid or some shit like that I’m going to dissociate and become untethered from reality.

CONCLUSION: Maybe aliens exist?

The important thing is that we are going to hedge our bets either way so that no matter what happens, we can point to something we said that was kind of true and we can gloat over everyone who was too cowardly to boldly predict the future like we have.

Pikmin 4 99% Sun-Speckled Terrace Guide: Hidden Treasure

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Eddie De Santiago

Looking to get past 99% completion in the Pikmin 4 Sun-Speckled Terrace? Pikmin 4 is finally out, and there are loads of goals to tackle with your Pikmin. Players are tasked with searching through several sprawling stages for treasures, castaways, and more. With the help of your faithful Pikmin and your dog-like companion, Oatchi, you’ll have to survive the dangers from the environment as well as various dangerous creatures that would love to prey on both you and the Pikmin, while completing missions and side quests to improve both you and Oatchi’s abilities. Some side quests involve retrieving 100% of the items on any given map, including treasures.

How to Find the Hidden Treasure

While most of the treasures are relatively easy to find (they’ll appear plainly in the world, or on the map) some are a little trickier to hunt down. They won’t appear on the map, and the only hints to their location are the Treasure Gauge (if you’ve purchased it from Russ) and Oatchi’s miraculous sense of smell. The Treasure Gauge can help if you’re already in the general vicinity, but if you’re down to the last piece of treasure in the area, Oatchi’s sense of smell is the way to go.

Command Oatchi to sniff out some treasure, and he’ll lead you right to it. Of course, that can be a bit trickier if you haven’t cleared out every other cave or treasure in the level, but we can tell you exactly where to find it so you can check it off your to-do list.

How to Get 100% on Sun-Speckled Terrace (Pikmin 4)

First, you need to at least locate Russ in one of the early caves you come across. Finding him is part of the main story, so you’ll likely locate him in your first few days in the Sun-Speckled Terrace. He unlocks the ability to convert Raw Material into dirt to complete bridges or climbing walls. Next, head to the incomplete bridge in the pictures below, it can be found near the second landing site, known as the Rugged Scaffold.

Next, you’ll need at least 39 pieces of Raw Material, the blue flakes found throughout the level. There’s even a few piles of the precious resource located near the bridge, which we’ve marked with the yellow and red in-game pins on the map below.

Once the bridge is complete, head across and take a right, to the location in the picture below. It looks like a dead end, but if you toss your Pikmin in the vicinity, or have Oatchi charge forward, they’ll likely start to dig – use our screenshots for reference if you’re having trouble finding it.

After a short while, the formerly-buried potato is now free, and you’ve found the trickiest treasure in the Sun-Speckled Terrace. You’ll need at least 7 Pikmin (or Oatchi and 4 Pikmin) to carry it back to your base.

“Who Knows, Even One Of Us Could Be Infected,” Says Mysterious Sweaty Man Coughing Blood Into Napkin

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Sam LiButti

INSIDE AN ABADONED GAS STATION — A wheezing, sickly looking man whose origins remain a mystery has informed the rest of the survivors that anyone among them could be infected, in between fits of coughing out blood into a wadded up napkin, other survivors have confirmed.

“It’s tough to say, it could be any of us,” said the mysterious survivor, who insists the bandages on his side don’t need to be changed, despite sopping with blood. “Before I found refuge here, I was wandering around the northern quadrant, and some people were only exposed to the air out there for a minute or two and came down with the infection. I saw this happen to like two dozen people while I was out there. I had my nose pulled up over my shirt though, so I think I’m fine. We can’t be too careful, though. It could literally be anybody.”

Scientists have warned that the new virus that’s infiltrated the world at an alarming rate has a multitude of visible symptoms, making certain detection difficult in many cases.

“It could literally be anyone you know,” said Dr. Melanie Hasker, a virologist at Purdue University, in an emergency broadcast that’s been playing on a loop, giving everything a cool, cinematic feel. “Your brother, your sister, the guy that joined your gang yesterday that won’t take off his coat in front of you and keeps swearing that he doesn’t care what he has to do to make it home, your next door neighbor. Literally anybody. Just be safe, and make sure you go out in pairs, because that’s as foolproof as a plan gets.”

As of press time, the mysterious sweaty man coughing blood into a napkin said that he didn’t mind taking first watch while everybody slept tonight.

Tinder User Pulls Ultra Rare Adult ‘Yu-Gi-Oh!’ Fan

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Local Tinder user Evangeline Beck was excited to have pulled a reportedly “Ultra Rare” Yu-Gi-Oh! fan on the dating app today, according to close sources.

“Oh man, it was so cool! I spend a lot of time swiping on Tinder and mostly just come across Commons: guys who like Pokémon,” explained Beck. “So it was really great to see a Yu-Gi-Oh! fan pop up, because that’s actually worth a lot more. Magic: The Gathering fans are Super Rare, of course, but the Yu-Gi-Oh! fans have that gold foil lettering on them that makes them a little bit special. I’d love to find a Secret Rare Flesh & Blood date on Tinder one day, but for now, I’m willing to potentially settle down with a simple Yu-Gi-Oh! lover if that’s what’s available for me. I understand my place; I’m no Pot of Greed.”

Beck’s Ultra Rare find on Tinder, a 36-year-old software engineer named Brian Hahn, was unsurprised to hear about the excitement.

“Of course women are excited to match with me on dating apps. I’ve got the heart of the cards,” Hahn said, rubbing a crumb off his Yami Yugi graphic tee shirt. “Women understand the power of a man who has memorized every aspect of the Yu-Gi-Oh! lore and knows all the different infinites in the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game. I’m not some lesser Hearthstone or Marvel Snap or Pokémon peon. I, myself, am a sort of Millennium Puzzle, and I grant massive power to whoever dares to wield me.”

At press time, Hahn reportedly called Beck a “bitch” after she said that, despite being excited about the find, that he “didn’t fit in [her] deck at this time.”

Photo via Xander Ashburn.

Every Overwatch Hero Ranked By How Good of a Streamer They Would Be

Posted on July 26, 2023November 19, 2025 by Parker Johnson

Despite everything Overwatch 2 has gotten right, it seems that mistakes being made around the game are inevitable. And with the Hero Mode PvE experience getting canceled, it seems very possible that the game’s heroes are going to be looking for a new line of work soon. This is every hero in Overwatch 2 at the time of writing, ranked by how likely they could successfully pivot to a career of live streaming and content creation.

#37 — Moira

Moira is going to get banned in a matter of days for promoting her alternative medicines. She might be able to grow an audience on other social media platforms if she rants about “cancel culture” enough, but streaming just isn’t for her.

#36 — Sombra

Sombra creates bots for nearly all of her viewers. If might work for a while, but when every comment with the word “shirt” has 50 replies with links, it won’t be long before she looks suspicious.

#35 — Roadhog

Roadhog’s live streams are just too awkward. He’ll occasionally talk to chat, but most of the stream just features him breathing too heavily into the mic.

#34 — Ana

Sorry, but Ana’s just too old to be a successful streamer. Maybe she’s got some insightful commentary, or incredible aim in Counter-Strike, but it’s not worth sticking through the myriad of technical issues to find out.

#33 — Junker Queen

Junker Queen needs to learn how to keep her volume low. A chatter asked her to turn it down a lot and she said “HOW’S THIS?” in the loudest boom you’ve ever heard in your life.

#32 — Bastion

Bastion simply isn’t built to be a streamer. In the modern landscape of react content, some beeps and changing lights just aren’t going to cut it. How is this bot going to make content like a drive-thru challenge?

#31 — Cole Cassidy

Cassidy has shown that he just doesn’t have what it takes to have good branding. Changing your name out of seemingly nowhere isn’t going to sit well with followers of your platform!

#30 — Symmetra

Symmetra is too much of a corporate shill to make it to the top of the streaming landscape. It would be one thing if she started from humble roots and became a corporate mouthpiece after gaining fans, but starting as Vishkar spokesperson who wants to build the “perfect society” is going to turn a lot of people off.

#29 — Zenyatta

Zenyatta: Overwatch 2 (Common) – Unlocked automatically.

Zenyatta is so close to being a great streamer. Wellness and fitness streamers can gather big audiences, but the problem is his religious subtext. I’m just trying to meditate with you man, stop asking if I’ve had “my awakening” or if I’ve “accepted the Iris.”

#28 — Hanzo

Hanzo would be a great streamer’s friend, but not a streamer himself. He doesn’t have the comedic chops to be a content creator, but if he showed up in a Ludwig video titled “3 streamers vs. 1 professional archer,” I wouldn’t be shocked.

#27 — Sigma

Sigma just gets loads of chat messages reading “????” because he keeps asking about what that music is. There’s no sound, dude! However, showing his feet so willingly is bound to get a few dedicated viewers regardless.

#26 — Soldier: 76

Soldier just accidentally clicked “Start Streaming” on OBS after his grandson installed it on his computer. Once he noticed he was live, he just started telling war stories and people love it! He’ll never get a really big audience, but the 10-20 viewers he gets are dedicated ones!

#25 — Torbjorn

Torb could make some incredible gadgets that would draw a lot of viewers. They would draw a lot of viewers, if his temper wasn’t so short. The minute a chatter calls him short, they’re instantly & permanently banned. He has a high ceiling, but it’s only a matter of time until he’s out of chatters.

#24 — Echo

All Echo does is copy other people’s streams. She’ll be shamed off the platform once she bites off a bit more than she can chew and tries to make her own Streamer Awards.

#23 — Pharah

Pharah is a good streamer and incredible gamer. It’s just a shame that the U.S. Army recruitment watermark is a constant reminder of her real motives on the bottom left corner. She thinks we don’t notice it, but we notice.

#22 — Tracer

Tracer isn’t used to not being the main character, and it shows. She gets fine view numbers, but every creator says she’s a nightmare to collab with.

#21 — Baptiste

Baptiste loves playing Pokemon ROM hacks and fangames. He’s not one of the biggest streamers in the community, but is super active in conversation with his chat. Emerald Rogue is his favorite!

#20 — Genji

Genji: Overwatch 2 (Common) – Unlocked automatically.

Genji spends a lot of his time playing speedruns of Mario Odyssey. Not the most charismatic guy in the world, but he accidentally discovered the “Genji Skip” on stream in Luncheon Kingdom, so maybe he’ll get a viewership boost from a Summoning Salt video.

#19 — Reaper

Reaper can try all he likes, but to the wider community, he’ll always just be a poor man’s Corpse Husband.

#18 — Orisa

Orisa plays GTA Online while obeying every single traffic law. Her viewers laugh and think it’s a bit, but she really just loves driving. Whatever works!

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Malfunctioning Mitch McConnell Displays Notorious ‘Red Ring of Death’

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — At a news conference earlier today, Mitch McConnell shocked the gathered crowd as he displayed what’s known in gaming circles as ‘the red ring of death,’ a malfunction previously thought exclusive to the Xbox 360 video game console.

“Oh man, that can’t be good for Mitch,” said Charlie Langdon, a photographer that was in attendance. “I remember when my 360 did that and there were all these crazy ideas on the internet about how to fix it, but they were all bullshit. It’s a serious malfunction that needs to be treated as such. No way you just wrap the guy in towels and let him sit overnight. They need to get Mitch back to the factory where they made him as soon as possible!”

The ‘red ring of death,’ which generally indicates an issue with the power supply, appeared on McConnell’s face shortly after the beginning of a press conference. Prominent Republicans insist the matter isn’t as serious as some are making it out to be.

“Sure, he glitched a little bit up there and started blinking red from his forehead,” said Senator John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), who assisted McConnell away from the podium after the ring appeared. “But this was just a little oopsie, no big deal. Find me an 81-year-old man that doesn’t blink red once in a while. To be on the safe side, however, we have filed a support ticket with Microsoft and are just hoping they still know how to deal with this. They think they can have him as good as new in three to four weeks! It honestly won’t even be his longest vacation this year.”

As of press time, President Biden had worried onlookers himself when he inexplicably started drifting to the left while delivering a speech to gathered construction workers.

15 Little Known Facts About ‘Donkey Kong Country’

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

1994’s Donkey Kong Country was both a creative rebirth for its titular character and the game that cemented Rare as developers to be taken seriously. Today we look at some little known facts about this platforming classic that spawned a franchise and continues to inspire debate. Here are 15 little known facts about Donkey Kong Country.

1. Underwater levels were faked

While most of the game was filmed on location, the underwater levels that feature Donkey and Diddy holding their breath for very unrealistic amounts of time were shot on a soundstage in Burbank, California.

2. The game had a large promotional push

If you were a subscriber to Nintendo Power magazine before the game’s release, a guy came to your house and made sure your TV and sound system were fully optimized for the mind blowing game that was about to drop. Many of these uninvited house guests would later admit to pilfering many of these homes of various personal belongings.

3. Michael Jackson secretly worked on the game

While most assume he had a hand in the soundtrack, The King of Pop actually was a background artist, helping illustrate many of the game’s vivid levels.

4. ‘Minecart Carnage’ level inspired a (short lived) amusement park ride

The ride was promptly torn down after no one survived the attraction’s initial voyage. Nintendo executives would later walk back their controversial remarks which saw them claiming that “maybe those parkgoers weren’t jumping at the right time.”

5. Aside from the bonus levels, many extra content was cut from the game

This includes original side quests that would have had Donkey and Diddy helping Daisy get ready for a big date and helping Funky jam a balloon full of mescaline up his ass before he took a trip.

6. Like many other elements, the tire physics were well ahead of their time

“Please don’t ask me about the tires,” said the programmer that was allegedly tasked with perfecting the tire during Donkey Kong Country‘s two year development cycle. “I don’t want to talk about the tire anymore.”

7. Nine developers were lost during production

While generally seen as an acceptable loss on a large scale video game production these days, the news cast a grim shadow on an otherwise very enjoyable game. Our condolences to the brave programmers who died working on Donkey Kong Country.

8. Mario refused to participate

“That son of a bitch is-a no good,” said the Nintendo star, when asked to do one of his signature cameos in the game. “I will-a see him in-a hell.” The two stars eventually settled their differences and would go on to star in several Smash Bros games together, although their relationship remains strained.

9. Is director Peter Jackson’s favorite video game

After failing for years to secure the cinematic rights to what he called “The greatest piece of art I have ever experienced,” Jackson finally settled for the rights to King Kong in 2005 and made that into a video game as well as a film. “It was fun, but it was no Donkey Kong Country,” said the Oscar winning filmmaker.

10. The game’s plot was inspired by some neighbor kids of director Tim Stamper

They weren’t gorillas, but the two boys did used to break into Stamper’s garage all the time and fuck with his giant stash of bananas.

11. Debut of controversial broadcaster

Years before he was banned from most radio airwaves for insisting that vaccines cause hurricanes and that 9/11 never happened, Rambi the Rhinoceros made his video game debut as one of several animal assistants you meet along the way.

12. Rare did what Nintendo couldn’t: get Donkey to take his shirt off

The official amount remains confidential, but some reports have estimated that DKC developers Rare paid the savvy video game veteran more than a million dollars to remove his shirt. When he showed up on the first day wearing his now signature red tie, he reportedly said, “You guys never said I couldn’t wear a tie.” He had them over a barrel. Pun intended. I don’t even care anymore.

13. Donkey and Diddy didn’t get along

Rumors persist that Donkey’s offscreen behavior, such as the aforementioned red tie incident and his frequent pleas for second and third lunch breaks, are what led to him being written out of major roles in the subsequent sequels on the SNES.

14. Utilized several state of the art technologies

Including pre-rendered graphics, expensive workstations, and a revolutionary laser beam that made animals talk when you shot them with it.

15. Iconic soundtrack selection ‘Aquatic Ambience’ took over five weeks to write

The composition of the fan favorite track was complicated by composer David Wise’s insistence that he only write the song a few seconds at a time while he was holding his breath underwater.

Every Coen Brothers Movie Ranked by How Awkward It Would Be to Watch at a Funeral

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Joel and Ethan Coen have had a long career making terrific films that defy genre. And while most people do not play movies at a funeral at all (because it would be very strange), what if you wanted to? What if the deceased wanted you to pop on a DVD of Blood Simple? Well you could do that. And so, here’s a ranking of how awkward it would be to watch each Coen Brothers film at the celebration of the life of a loved one who has passed away.

#18 — Fargo (1996)

No one has ever been upset to be watching Fargo! Everyone’s gonna sit around the screen, laughing at the silly voices, and feeling a sense of community. It’s weird to watch ANY movie at a funeral…. maybe except Fargo. When I die, please play Fargo at my funeral. (That being said, I do not intend to ever die).

#17 — Hail, Caesar! (2016)

Hail, Caesar! got kind of a bad rap for some reason, but at the end of the day, if you’re gonna watch a Coens movie at a funeral, why not put on the one that just has a bunch of colors and choreographed dance scenes and isn’t entirely about everyone and everything you know dying horribly and alone? Right?

#16 — The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (2018)

If you simply must watch a Coen movie at a funeral, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs is a good choice. It’s (sometimes) a fun silly time and you can break it up into parts! Maybe you watch the first short, do a speech about the deceased, watch another short, cry a little, etc.

#15 — Raising Arizona (1987)

Watching a movie at a funeral is certainly awkward, but you really can’t go too wrong if you put on young sexy Nicolas Cage on the screen. If you don’t have Moonstruck laying around, I guess throw on Raising Arizona.

#14 — The Ladykillers (2004)

The Ladykillers is actually the only Coen Brothers movie I have never gotten around to watching. And you know what? I’m willing to bet that most other people at a funeral haven’t either! I know it has a reputation for not being their best, but if it’s a Coen movie, I’m sure it’s fine (not to mention, people aren’t exactly the best critic at a friggin funeral). So if I was at a funeral, and someone suggested throwing on The Ladykillers, I’d kinda be down. Sure, when the hell else am I gonna watch this?

#13 — The Big Lebowski (1996)

I absolutely would not be surprised if there are at least a few hundred people who have insisted that The Big Lebowski is played at their funeral. They probably also insisted that their friends attempt to pour their ashes out, only to have the wind blow the ashes back into everyone’s faces. The Big Lebowski is one of the first movies people based their entire personalities on, and honestly, I guess ultimately not the worst choice. Looking at you, The Room heads.

#12 — O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

O Brother, Where Art Thou? is basically just a sillier, more modern version of Homer’s epic poem The Odyssey, so maybe you could make some weird argument that this is like an ancient tome that connects all people or something like that and then just let everyone enjoy the sweet tunes of The Soggy Bottom Boys. I dunno! Try this and let me know if it works.

#11 — The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)

Watching The Hudsucker Proxy on its own would not be that bad, but you cannot trust the person who would play this movie at an event that’s meant to be for mourning the loss of a friend or family member to NOT pass out hula hoops to everyone in the audience. And if you do that, it’s absolutely going to be a very strange time. Just put on the movie and let people watch it.

#10 — Blood Simple (1984)

The Coen Brothers’ first movie is a terrific film with an amazing soundtrack and great cinematography. It really is impressive how these guys made such a good movie right out of the gate! If I was at a funeral and someone wanted to throw on Blood Simple, I’d be like, damn OK I guess! Kind of an insane decision, and a pretty pretentious movie to put on the TV, but I guess most people won’t have seen it before and it’s a good time.

#9 — Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

You’re the guy who keeps insisting that Intolerable Cruelty is lowkey underrated. You’re constantly trying to convince your friend group to watch it when everyone’s hanging out. I totally get that. But don’t be tempted to use the captive audience of a funeral to finally get everyone to check out this satirical rom-com starring George Clooney. It’s just not the time. I mean, come on, it’s not Blood Simple.

#8 — Miller’s Crossing (1990)

Miller’s Crossing is certainly a movie with a lot of death, which you may think would make for an awkward time at a funeral. And maybe it would! But the important thing here is that the deaths are all a result of gangsters making strategic errors during the Prohibition era. That’s a foreign enough concept that no one’s really going to associate it with the fact that grandpa choked to death on a lifesaver or whatever happened.

#7 — Burn After Reading (2008)

This one can go either way. If the person whose funeral it is died because they’re an idiot and were hiding in the closet of a CIA agent, who shot them in the face? This is going to be an extremely awkward movie. If they died any other way (illness, poison, hit by a bus), you’re probably in the clear. It’s always good for someone, at a funeral, to ask the audience: what did we learn from this?

#6 — Barton Fink (1991)

Barton Fink is a movie about a writer who, like all writers, is trapped in Hell. If the person who died was a writer (or Jewish), this might be a pretty awkward movie to throw on at a funeral — especially in the midst of the WGA strikes. But if they were like a successful businessman or something, then go for it, dog! Everyone might honestly get a kick out of it!

#? — Garfield: The Movie (2004)

NO. This is NOT a Coen Brothers movie!! It was written by Joel CoHen. H! We’re not even including Macbeth in here, why the hell would we include a movie written by a totally different guy?! DO NOT WATCH GARFIELD: THE MOVIE AT A FUNERAL.

#5 — No Country for Old Men (2007)

You probably don’t want to watch a movie about the looming specter of Death coming through a village and murdering people for no real reason at a funeral. I mean just imagine the shock if the priest got up to the podium, shifted around the little microphone, and said, “Alright, we’re gonna put on 2007’s No Country for Old Men. Everyone shut up. This is a really good movie. It’s kind of about The Devil.”

# 4 — True Grit (2010)

Like Tenet or In Bruges, True Grit is one of those movies that is in English, but you literally cannot watch without subtitles on. Unfortunately, despite being a great western film with deep themes, this is going to be one of the most difficult Coen Brothers movies to watch over the sound of sobbing friends and family.

#3 — Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

Inside Llewyn Davis is easily the least funny of any of the Coens films, therefore making it inherently a pretty awkward watch at a funeral. It’s really good, but also pretty damn sad. You could probably do just the Adam Driver scenes and have a good time, but most likely you’re going to bum everyone out as they think about how Llewyn Davis, and maybe the deceased, never really amounted to much in their lives.

#2 — The Man Who Wasn’t There (2001)

Man, these guys really do have a ton of movies about the impending nature of death, huh? Yeah don’t watch this at a funeral. It’s going to bum everyone out. Also it’s in black and white and people are huge babies about that. They’re going to be upset you’re making them watch a movie while mourning a loved one and then it doesn’t even have color?!

#1 — A Serious Man (2009)

If you play this film for a group of people at a funeral, every single person in attendance will kill themselves.