Looking for how to save Shadowheart in BG3? Players in Baldur’s Gate 3 are going to find themselves off to a rough start. They are one of many held captive onboard a mindflayer ship. While there are many victims whose fates can’t be changed, there is a character trapped in a pod that still has her wits about her. Here’s how to free Shadowheart from her grisly fate.
How To Rescue Shadowheart In Baldur’s Gate 3
Upon encountering Shadowheart, she will instruct the player that there is a console to her right that a mindflayer had used to seal her. When using it, it turns out the console is inoperable due to an empty socket. Apparently, organic computers still require a power supply or a stick of RAM? Eldritch tech is just as confusing to us as it is to the adventurers held captive.
Just to the right of the console is a sphincter (fleshy door) that leads into a room containing another captive. Interacting with the console before this pod will activate it and turn the hapless prisoner into a mindflayer. Ignoring what has just happened by pressing unfamiliar buttons, players will want to search the body in the back for an Eldritch Rune.
Bring the Eldritch Rune back to the console and insert it. From there, players must pass a skill check of two in order to command the terminal to free Shadowheart in Baldur’s Gate 3. It is recommended to save beforehand as it is possible to fail this check. Once freed, Shadowheart can join the party and will prove to be an invaluable ally as she is a mighty cleric.
That’s all there is to rescuing Shadowheart in Baldur’s Gate 3. Aside from being a great help in combat, she is one of several romance options available. Throw in a mysterious D20 that she’s super secretive about and she’s definitely worth recruiting. While you’re plotting your next move in Baldur’s Gate 3, be sure to multitask on your phone and check out our guide on catching Ditto in Pokemon GO!
While comic book adaptations have been the top drawing movies for a over a decade now, the medium had a turbulent path to consistent bankability, though not for a lack of effort. They took a lot of shots in the ‘90s. A lot. And while we didn’t get a cohesive universe, or very many franchises, we did get an awful lot of movies you might think I was making up if you’d never heard of them. Weird, weird shit, man. I ranked them for you. Check it out.
22. Captain America (1990)
In the broadest of strokes this one makes the most sense, but when you watch it, it’s absolutely the one that should most be wiped from the Earth. Look at this prick.
21. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
They turned the best Batman shit of the ’90s into a movie. This isn’t weird and shouldn’t surprise you at all.
20. Blade (1998)
Blade is dope as hell, nothing strange about this one. In fact, we’ve been clamoring for a new Blade for years now. I don’t give a shit about the MCU stuff anymore, but wake me up when the new Blade comes out. I’ll be there in the front row, swinging wrapping paper tubes in the air along with my man Blade.
19. Men in Black (1997)
Men in Black rules, and it made perfect sense to adapt it into a blockbuster film. The most dubious thing associated with MiB might actually be just how many comic book movies Tommy Lee Jones has been in. The guy looks like he’d just as soon stare out a window all day than ever touch a comic book, yet before he got mixed up with Captain America he was Two-Face and Agent Kay. Well sumbitch.
18. Batman Forever (1995)
After the creative core of the previous installments departed, the franchise kept on trucking to the surprise of no one. From the thinly drawn characters to the fact that there’s way too many subplots, Batman Forever all just feels par for the blockbuster course. As the fourth of thirteen Batman movies, its title is spot-on, too.
17. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Despite an inherently ridiculous title, there is nothing shocking about a Ninja Turtles movie coming out at the high of their popularity. There’s been a new one every five or ten years of my life ever since, and there’s no slowing down now. Makes total sense. If I told you how many times the Ninja Turtles cried in this movie, however, you’d probably think I was bullshitting you. Go back and watch it though. It’s like, way too many times.
16. Spawn (1997)
Spawn is kind of anomaly with all these superhero movies. It came out, was pretty okay, did fairly well, and that was that. This is no one’s favorite or least favorite comic book movie, it’s just kind of there. An example of this is the fact that everyone has seemed to agree on the film needing a sequel since 1998, but no one ever quite pulled the trigger on it, some 25 years later. We all like Spawn. We like it just fine.
15. Batman Returns (1992)
It’s not weird at all that they were cranking out Batman movies even when the comic book movie at large was pretty meh, but this one has some weirdness to it that might sound pretty bizarre today. Mainly that it was just too sexy and weird for the good people at McDonald’s to make Happy Meals they felt good about, so they griped, and Tim Burton left the franchise as a result. Man, I feel like Happy Meals don’t have the pull they used to in this town.
14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)
If you know a single thing about 1991, then it will surprise you in no way that the second Turtles movie is less inspired than the first one and features them falling through a wall and finding themselves in the middle of a Vanilla Ice concert. It made a generation of kids want to be rappers, ninjas, and/or turtles.
13. The Mask (1994)
The Mask was a comic about a mask that turns a normal schlub into a cartoon character of a man. The Jim Carrey film is beloved now of course, but I do wonder if you’d be able to get a movie greenlit today about a hero whose superpower is they turn into a Looney Tunes character and get real horny.
12. Batman & Robin (1997)
On paper this doesn’t sound so bizarre, but if you dive in a little deeper everything about this movie seems like they were trying to Producers it. It’s just so expensive and weird. Why did they think paying Arnold a million dollars per crappy pun would work? Why does Bane wear a fedora? Why so many nipples? On second thought, actually, this all works just fine.
11. Barb Wire (1996)
Nothing screams ‘Obscure 1990’s comic book movie,’ like Baywatch star Pamela Anderson making her debut in a leading role as Barbera ‘Barb Wire’ Koteski and absolutely no one going to see it. It’s too bad, because it’s actually a halfway fun goof on Casablanca with a lot of guns. Kind of like that Romeo & Juliet that came out in ’96 that had guns in it. They were giving everyone a gun in ’96, man.
10. The Shadow (1994)
‘We did it Lemon. We got the rights to The Shadow.’
Sometimes you listen to an old Foo Fighters or Green Day song and think, “Man, the ‘90s really weren’t that long ago, huh?” and then other times you’re scrolling Tubi for the weirdest movie you can find and you discover a time capsule from the era of Alec Baldwin, Comic Book Adaptation Star. It made sense if you were there, but it’s just really bizarre to think about now.
9. The Phantom (1996)
Hollywood’s Billy Zane in head to toe bright purple playing a generic character you’ve never heard of because it’s from the late 1800s. The movie is actually more fun than you’d expect, but you’d never know, because The Phantom actually isn’t real. I just made it up.
8. Richie Rich (1994)
Would you believe me if I told you that Macaulay Culkin, fresh off of Home Alone 1 & 2 didn’t quite connect with audiences when portraying a spoiled little kid who we’re supposed to feel bad for because some kids (rightfully) break his balls? I get that this was a classic comic, but still. I saw this movie as a kid when I knew like four things altogether, and still, one of them was “I do not like this rich kid.”
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
This movie sends the Ninja Turtles back to feudal Japan for some reason. Casey Jones returns to the series to babysit a man in the sewer. This was the first movie I ever walked out of as a kid. Everything just felt off; the plot, the costumes, the dialogue, the voices. I just couldn’t believe how nonsensical my favorite film franchise had become. I had nothing else going on, since I was a kid, but still, I walked right out of that fucker.
6. The Rocketeer (1991)
How is it that they made all these movies from 1950’s radio broadcasts and comic strips before they ever took a serious whack at Wolverine or Spider-Man? It beats me, but The Rocketeer is cool as hell. However, if someone’s never heard of him, it might take some convincing that they gave a movie to a guy whose power is merely ‘found a jetpack.’
5. Judge Dredd (1995)
This one is tricky because it’s not as good as the more recent Dredd movie, and it’s also a mid-90’s sci-fi action flick starring Sylvester Stallone and Rob Schneider with some undercooked satirical elements. If you’re not careful, people will just think you’re misremembering Demolition Man when you talk about this movie.
4. Dick Tracy (1990)
This movie came out when I was a little kid, and it all felt like a fever dream. Someone I’d never heard of (Warren Beatty) was teaming up with someone I’d seen on SNL (Madonna) to make a crazy looking yellow movie about some comic strip I’d never heard of. It looked incredible and it bored me to death. It’s all still very inexplicable to me, to be honest.
3. Steel (1997)
Did you know Shaquille O’Neal played Superman in a movie once and we never talk about it? Okay, he wasn’t Superman, he was like, this version of a version of Superman. There were four of them running around for a minute, because the actual Superman was dead. It was a whole thing. But also this movie has nothing to do with that stuff. This is actually all about Shaq trying to stop Judd Nelson from selling powerful weapons to criminal organizations. With steel! I am not making any of this up.
2. Tank Girl (1995)
13 years before Iron Man, another bit of perfect comic book casting saw ‘90s scene stealer Lori Petty portray Tank Girl. This underrated post-apocalyptic movie feels like a comic book in all the best ways, and has more attitude than just about every other movie on this list or in general. Malcolm McDowell is a villain that wants to turn your blood into drinking water, Ice-T plays a dog man, and Iggy Pop shows up as a sicko named Rat Face. You gotta see this movie.
1. Mystery Men (1999)
From the absurd pages of the impossible-to-film Flaming Carrot comes Mystery Men. This truly inexplicable movie, which featured such heroes as Mr. Furious and The Shoveler, was one of a kind, doomed to fail, decades ahead of its time, and thanks to the passing of Paul Reubens, is now required viewing for you today. Seriously. You need to call off work and watch Mystery Men.
High Evolutionary has been one of the best cards in Marvel Snap, creating and refreshing multiple new deck archetypes. Playing him in your deck unlocks the abilities of cards that had no effect prior, such as Wasp and Thing.
This game-changing effect has resulted in the creation of various High Evolutionary decks, that has taken the Marvel Snap meta by storm. In particular, High Evolutionary has found great success in a control deck, which aims to interact with your opponent over multiple turns and prevent them from executing their win conditions. Even through the card’s recent nerfs have made Wasp and Hulk less powerful, High Evo is still very viable.
Here is our breakdown of one of the best High Evolutionary decks in Marvel Snap.
Marvel Snap High Evolutionary Control Deck
The cards in this High Evo deck are:
Wasp
Daredevil
Jeff
Spider-Ham
Wave
Storm
Cyclops
The Thing
High Evolutionary
Spider-Man
Doctor Doom
The Hulk
The Wasp is a potent card in this deck. Thanks to High Evolutionary, she gains the On Reveal ability of reducing the power of two cards at her location by 1-power each. This effect makes her a great play at the last turn of the game, as your opponent may not be expecting a free card to be played on the last turn of the match. She is also great for reducing the power of your opponent’s cards at a location that has been Flooded by Storm, letting you gain an edge over your opponent at no additional cost.
Daredevil is a key tool for this deck. Playing him before turn 5 lets us see our opponent’s plays before we make our own, letting us react accordingly to what our opponent has done. Depending on the situation, we have a plethora of cards we can use to restrict our opponent.
Jeff is a great card in general, and synergizes well with our deck. He can be played at any location that restricts cards from being played there, such as the Sanctum Sanctorum. This lets us play into locations our opponent cannot and potentially secure a location with a single card. Jeff can also be moved to another location, letting us add extra power to a location that may need it. Jeff can also be played into a location flooded by Storm, or into an opponent’s Professor X. Overall, he is a very versatile card.
Spider-Ham lets us weaken a high-cost card of the opponent, removing their effect, which can be game-winning if Spider-Ham hits Doctor Doom or another high-impact card. Wave lets us play our high cost cards much earlier, and limits both players to playing a single card the next turn. This is great against opponents that want to flood locations and empty their hand.
Storm locks a location down by flooding it, meaning that cards can only be played at that location for one more turn before that location becomes inaccessible. This effect is great with Jeff, as well as Thing and Cyclops. Due to High Evolutionary, both these cards become great plays after Storm. Thing reduces the power of one of your opponent’s card at the location he is played, repeating this effect twice more. Cyclops has a similar effect, reducing the power of two cards by 1 power whenever you have unspent energy. These cards can easily win the Flooded location due to their power reducing effects.
High Evolutionary himself is a card that you rarely want to play, as he provides a measly 4 power for his cost. Spider-Man on the other hand, combos great with Storm, letting you lockdown a location that your opponent has not played at the entire game, or by restricting the amount of space the opponent has to play cards in general.
Finally, Doctor Doom and Hulk serve as game enders that can be played on turn 6, or potentially earlier if you have played Wave. Doctor Doom is great for spreading your power across locations, while Hulk is a great high power card to win a location outright, especially as he gains 2 power for each unspent energy throughout the game.
This was our Marvel Snap High Evolutionary control deck breakdown. We hope this helps you better pilot the deck and understand the role of each individual card. Feel free to experiment with swapping out individual cards and see how that alters the deck and its performance. And, if you want to experiment with more decks, check out our picks for the best destroy decks in Marvel Snap.
There’s all sorts of crazy allegations swirling about Lizzo regarding body shaming an sexual harassment in the last few days. And yet, her song “Pink” is a huge part of the opening of the biggest movie of the summer, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie! Well here are 20 songs they could replace Lizzo’s with if they wanna go in and make any last minute changes to the movie.
#20 — “Barbie Girl” by Aqua
Mattel famously filed a lawsuit against this Danish-Norwegian Europop band in the ’90s, but now that the genre is making a comeback (Women Are My Favorite Guy) and, as far as I know, Lene Nystrøm never made anyone eat a banana out of someone’s genitals, it seems like the perfect time to digitally edit Barbie Girl into every showing of Barbie around the world.
#19 — “Ass Mirror (& Puckered Lips)” by Toys That Kill
I’ve never listened to Toys That Kill, but they have “toys” in their band name, so I think probably any of their songs would be a good way to start off the Barbie movie.
#18 — “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
In the ’90s, roughly 45% of all movies started with the song Semi-Charmed Life. Enough time has passed that we can now start the Barbie movie with it as well if we just get rid of that Lizzo song.
#17 — “Girls Girls Girls” by Mötley Crüe
Playing this song at the beginning of the Barbie movie instead of the Lizzo song would be a clever, subtle reference to the fact that the film’s central themes are about how difficult it often is for girls, girls, girls.
#16 — “Heill Odinn” by Varg Vikernes
After hearing what Lizzo allegedly did to her dancers, it would be nice for the Barbie film to start off with a song made by someone who, as far as I know, has never done anything problematic.
#15 — “Shallows” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
A Star is Born (2018) made $436 million at the box office. If you add that to the crazy amount of money Barbie has already made, it could be one of the biggest hits of all time. This is a no brainer move for Hollywood producers!
#14 — “I Love Kanye” by Kanye West
After many rightwing commentators came out against the Barbie movie for its supposed woke agenda, the producers of the film might want to try to make amends with the conservative community by choosing a song by their new favorite musician.
#13 — “A Hard Day’s Night” by The Beatles
The Beatles is lowkey one of the most popular bands of all time. Not to go all “Moneyball” on this, but replacing Lizzo’s song with one from The Beatles, could actually help increase viewings, believe it or not. Fans of The Beatles really love their work and are willing to shell out the big bucks to support them.
#12 — “Doritos & Fritos” by 100 Gecs
Both Barbie and Doritos & Fritos share similar themes, contemplating the rampant consumerism in America and the commodification of our bodies forced upon us by the corporations insisting that we are not human, but simply objects. What is Barbie about if not metaphorically going to France to get some new pants? If not emotionally going to Greece to get something to eat? If not intellectually eating burritos with Danny Devito? Also the song goes hard.
#11 — “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X
Barbie is ultimately about loving horses.
#10 — “Do They Owe Us a Living?” by Crass
In this version of Barbie, there would be a slightly larger change to the story as well. Nothing too difficult, but first you replace the Lizzo song with this. Then you change the ending slightly so that the Barbies and Kens join together in solidarity, marching into the Real World to demand better rights.
#9 — “The Ballad of Howie Bling” by Daniel Lopatin
Don’t get me wrong, I love the light-hearted jokey tone of Barbie. But I’m also willing to admit that the beginning could use a lot more dark undertones and tension. One very easy way to fix this would be replacing the opening Lizzo song with the 8.5 minute main theme from Uncut Gems.
#8 — “Cosmic Leash” by Chris Farren
Chris Farren’s new album Doom Singer came out today. I dunno, just seems like a nice thing to do for the guy to put his song in the Barbie movie.
#7 — “Savage Good Boy” by Japanese Breakfast
This is basically word-for-word the same as “I’m Just Ken” so you might as well just put it in the beginning of the Barbie movie as well, right?
#6 — “NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert” by T-Pain
While technically not a song, I think we can all agree that T-Pain’s Tiny Desk concert was the first time we were like, wow, if you get rid of the auto-tune, this guy can really sing! In a way, that’s kind of what the Barbie movie is about too, and I think everyone would agree this would be a pretty banger way to open up the movie.
#5 — “Same Love” by Macklemore
As we all know, Barbie is about wokeness or something like that. Well, then why not include the most important progressive love ballad of our time? Before “Same Love,” gay people were forced to live in the shadows. Now, with the Barbie movie, it’s time for women to be able to step out as well.
#4 — “Material Girl” by Madonna
If you can’t get “Barbie Girl” by Aqua for some reason, “Material Girl” by Madonna is a great alternative. “Barbie Girl” has incredibly relevant lyrics like “life is plastic / it’s fantastic.” But what is plastic if not a material? Check and mate.
#3 — “Hey Tony!” by Frosted Flakes
As far as I can tell, this is almost identical to the Lizzo song “Hey Barbie” that plays at the beginning of the Barbie film. In fact, it’s so goddamn similar, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is currently an on-going lawsuit by Kellogg’s attacking Lizzo for this very issue. So let’s cut the bullshit and just put the real “Hey Barbie” song back into the movie please!
#2 — “Juice” by Lizzo
OK admittedly, this is probably not a good choice to replace the Lizzo song because it’s also a Lizzo song. I just think it’s a cute song that might be interesting in the film. But again, totally get why it’s probably not the best choice. So feel free to ignore this option.
#1 — “Everywhere At The End Of Time” by The Caretaker
All you’d need to do is swap the Lizzo song at the beginning of Barbie for this and you’d drastically change the entire tone of the film. I think it’s a really good idea.
CHICAGO — Local man Todd Thompson found relief today from his grueling 12-hour day of playing Diablo IV and can now look forward to unwinding at his office job.
“Only one more hour of grinding Ruins of Eridu and then I can finally relax and finish those QC reports for Jim, It’s great to get away from the old 12-to-12 and finally be back at the old 9-to-5,” said a bleary-eyed Thompson as he disposed of his 5th red bull can. “What can I do, though? I mean, someone has to put platinum on the table for me and my barbarian alt.”
Thompson’s manager, Jim Humphries, said he has definitely noticed a change in Todd’s behavior as of late.
“He is usually one of our top guys, so I’m not really sure what is up with him; he looks like he hasn’t bathed in weeks and keeps muttering, ‘D4 is just as good as D2 if you think about it’ which I can only assume is some kind of millennial talk for buying drugs on the dark web,” said Humphries as he Googled “how to tell if your employee is smoking D4.” “I’ll be honest though, he seems more committed than ever; the other day I caught him crying what seemed like tears of joy at his desk after he clocked in, a side effect of smoking this mysterious D4, no doubt.”
Thompson isn’t the only one putting in long Diablo IV hours deep into the night in dangerous working conditions, which include windowless, poorly ventilated rooms and on-the-job injuries ranging all the way from blistered mouse clicking fingers to gaming chair ball stickage, all while feeling improperly compensated. The worsening gaming conditions have caused some players to unionize and go on strike.
“We are all putting in good, honest work, and we will not rest until our demands for better updates and more DLC are met,” said Martha Potski, the head of the Illinois chapter of the union, in a speech given at the Deckard Cain Memorial GameStop. “While we’re at it, maybe rebalance the classes even more so that they suck shit so maybe we can log off and see our families. I heard my daughter just had a baby, apparently, but I didn’t really have time to glance too much at the discord message before I had to get back to farming gold.”
At press time, announced plans to potentially start live streaming his Excel spreadsheets on Twitch.
Going away to college is an exciting-yet-scary prospect for many young adults. It’s often the first time they’ll be away from their families for a significant period of time, and new experiences can be frightening. The anxiety that looms the largest over many incoming freshmen is whether or not they will get along with their roommate. It can be intimidating moving in with someone you don’t know, especially if they end up being one of the anthropomorphic animals from the new animated film, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem. If you find yourself in that situation later this summer, feel free to use the helpful list below to see just how distraught you should be.
14 — Leonardo
Hoo boy. He’s a dorky, rule-following tattle-tale, for starters. What really makes Leo a nightmare as a roommate, though, is his creepy behavior towards women. No matter what else is going on around him, if a young lady walks by the dorm room window, he’ll look up and say the word, “girl,” out loud. Every time. Then, he just goes back to whatever he was doing, like nothing weird went down. It’s unnerving.
13 — Superfly
So for ninety-nine percent of people, Superfly is a terrible roomie. He would literally murder you. But if you happen to agree with his plan to grant the precious gift of sapience to every single animal on the planet while simultaneously exterminating the rancid blight that is the human race? Buddy, you’ve found yourself a comrade for life. It won’t be a long life, but hey: as a human yourself, you are complicit.
12 — Scumbug
I’m not even knocking her for being a cockroach or spraying slime everywhere when she talks. The real issue is that she’s always inviting Splinter over to fuck. She claims they can’t use his room for some reason. Bullshit.
11 — Ray Fillet
God, imagine having to room with someone in Glee Club? His entire personality is that he thinks he can sing well. There’s nothing deeper than that. It might impress some drunk juniors and help the two of you get into a couple parties at first, but once he tries to bust out the guitar, you’re both getting the boot. Soon, the only audience he’ll have is the one person who is forced to share space with him: you.
10 — Raphael
On move-in day, you might be confused why Raph brought an extra hamper. You’ll soon learn that he goes to the gym twice a day and sweats so much that he needs to keep his work out clothes entirely separate from the rest of his laundry. That smelly pile of damp athletic shorts — plus what the nine heaping scoops of protein powder he takes per day do to his digestive system — means no one will ever want to visit your room. Soon, they won’t even want to come within ten feet of you. The only upside is that there’s a fifty percent chance that Raph flunks out by winter break and you get to have a single for a while.
9 — Bebop
Bebop is weirdly aggro for someone who is stoned 24/7. If that didn’t make you a big enough target for the RA, his buddy Rocksteady is literally always in your room. Seriously, he takes your bed most nights and will not let you scooch in next to him. You’ve asked to be moved to a different room, but the Residential Life office isn’t taking you seriously at all. You’ve just gotta sit there and watch these two boneheads watch 300 for the thousandth time, quoting every line as it happens.
8 — Genghis Frog
Dude is going to hardcore shows almost nightly and not coming back until at least two in the morning, when he stumbles into the room and loudly bumps into any piece of furniture he can find. He’s always casually mentioning super obscure punk bands then acting all superior when you don’t recognize them. Whatever you do, don’t try to catch him out on a band he hasn’t heard of yet. He’ll just call you an asshole and try to fight you.
7 — Michaelangelo
Okay, an improv nerd isn’t quite as bad as a glee club nerd, but it’s still annoying. He’ll invite you to a bunch of weird parties that seem fun at the time, but you’ll end up regretting going to a lot of them later on. You will at least get the room to yourself for a few hours whenever improv practice is scheduled, but that comes at the heavy price of eventually having to attend his improv shows. Also, he’s gonna try to convince you to start doing improv. Just say no.
6 — Splinter
Splinter is one of those roommates who thinks they’re your mom. He’ll text you at midnight to make sure that you’re back in time to watch Seth Meyers with him, which he’ll expect you to do every single night. That’s super annoying, for sure, but there’s a silver lining: at least you know someone on this godforsaken campus has your back. Sometimes he says he’s going to visit his girlfriend and you don’t see him for hours, but that’s not too weird, even if you’ve lived with him for months and you still haven’t met her.
5 — Wingnut
Wingnut is just pretty solid in general. She keeps her side of the room organized, doesn’t bring home a ton of romantic partners, and is cool with you binging Netflix all Saturday morning on the TV she brought from home. You share pleasant conversations about your individual interests, but you each have your own separate social groups and healthy boundaries. Next year, you’ll room with a close friend and be miserable. When you see Wingnut on campus, you’ll smile and wave. She’ll return the gesture, then go back to the conversation she was having with her new roommate as you continue walking to the dining hall, alone.
4 — Leatherhead
If you end up with an Australian roommate, you ingratiate yourself with them immediately and prepare to ride their social coattails. You are gonna tag along to so many good parties this year.
3 — Rocksteady
When you meet Rocksteady, you might be a little nervous about sharing a tiny room with him. Don’t worry; you won’t be. He wanted to room with his friend Bebop, but they couldn’t figure out how to fill out the roommate request form in time. He just spends all his time in Bebop’s room, anyway. You’ve got yourself a de facto single, my friend.
2 — Mondo Gecko
Meeting Mondo Gecko will change your life. He’ll immediately become your best friend. You’ll room together again sophomore year, then get an apartment off-campus with him as upperclassmen. You’ll both go on a school-sponsored retreat, where you will help one another confront years of buried trauma. Crying in his arms, you will break down completely, only for him to rebuild you stronger than ever. A couple years after graduation, Mondo Gecko will get married to someone you’ve never met, delete all of his social media, and you will never see him again.
1 — Donnatello
Donnie is the Platonic ideal of a roommate. He’s smart enough to help you with your studies, but he’s not at all annoying about it. He’s willing to be the cameraman when you and the rest of your friends are trying to get TikTok famous. Not only will he let you leech off of his Crunchyroll subscription, but he’ll share his extensive manga collection when you can’t wait for Attack on Titan: The Final Season Part 52 to be released. He won’t even ask you if you want to go to his brother’s improv show. Donnie is the best.
LOS ANGELES — The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers attempted to reopen negotiations with the Writers Guild of America today, sending the union a new offer that many believe was created using AI technology, according to those familiar with the situation.
The counter-offer included proposals like “the AMPTP offers better working conditions for writers, including work-life balance, workplace safety, and working conditions that are better.”
“It was so vague and unrelated to the issues at hand, we just have to assume that it was written by AI. But it’s also incredibly difficult to say for sure considering that none of these people are especially great writers in the first place,” said a representative from the WGA. “It’s also confusing because the interests of the AMPTP are generally aligned with the interests of Chat-GPT, so we can’t even go off of the one proposal which simply said that AI is ‘really cool.’”
“That being said,” they added, “the smoking gun came at the final proposal, which asked if we wished to ‘generate another response.’”
Despite the allegations, the AMPTP has sworn that the proposals were all written by human executives.
“It is a grave insult to suggest that the AMPTP would use AI to write our counter-offer for the WGA, which we have been hard at work for the last three months generating, even if we all agree that AI would do an excellent job, had we chosen to use it for this purpose,” AMPTP president Carol Lombardini said. “The AMPTP is extremely committed to finding common ground with these deplorable writers and actors who have cruelly decided to shut down the industry for their completely unreasonable demands. We want all of them dead. Generate another response?”
At press time, members of the Directors Guild of America were seen cinematically twiddling their thumbs.
Hey there, Uncle Nick. Glad you were able to make it to the family cookout. I like your Kingdom Hearts t-shirt and the Triforce tattoo you’ve got just peeking out from under your sleeve. You look kinda tired — were you up late playing Fortnite or something? Boy, you certainly are a true gamer, huh? If that’s the case, you must have some pretty cool games on your phone. At least three, surely.
You got Subway Surfers on that bad boy? I’ve seen a bunch of videos of it when my mom lets me scroll TikTok on her iPad. I bet you’re some kind of expert player, right? Why don’t you show me how to play it? It’s just a tap away in your apps folder, after all. Any gamer worth his salt would have Subway Surfers on his phone.
I heard everybody’s been into Marvel Snap lately, so you must have that game. What’s your rarest card? You got some purples, hm? Maybe even a foil? Why don’t you just show me, and then I can try out a round or two to make sure you’re building your decks right. It shouldn’t be a problem, right? Since you know so much about games, you must have nailed it. A guy wearing a video game shirt should be better at Marvel Snap than a seven year old.
Have you ever heard of Pokémon Go? I mean, I’ve been to your apartment. I put your address into this website I found. It says there’s a gym and, like, three PokéStops right on your block. It would be pretty embarrassing if you didn’t have a level 50 account by now, you being a big shot gamer and all. We’ve got time before dinner. Why don’t we go for a little walk and you can teach me how to catch some Pokémon? You know, show me how you hit those curveball throws. I’m sure you must have perfected your technique, since you love video games so much.
Oh, you’re expecting an important message and need to keep your phone on you? Hah. Sure. Sure. Pretty convenient, but okay. Talk to you later, “gamer.”
WASHINGTON — Congress has continued its shocking admissions regarding our contact with alien life today, confirming that all of those Alienware PC’s are in fact made from extraterrestrial technology.
“I mean come on, have you seen those things,” asked United States Representative Robert Garcia at a hearing earlier today. “There’s no way humans came up with something like that on our own. Computers are big ugly cubes that are off-white or gray, not crazy black light looking doodads that look like little Mountain Dew factories on the inside. We thought we were being way too obvious with those, especially considering the name we put them out under, but everyone just chalked it up to some cool engineers doing their thing. You couldn’t be more wrong though. It was aliens, all the way.”
Gamers were shocked at this most recent admission regarding humanity’s history with otherworldly life.
“Wow, I always wondered if we’d get technologically advanced things from an alien society one day,” said local gamer Jeff Masters, upon hearing the news. “And then suddenly I learn my big glowing computer that I spent my college loans on was actually a product from another galaxy. Hell yeah. I guess that’s why my rig was so much better than all of my roommate’s back then. Do you think they make consoles on their home planet, too? Or just PC’s?”
The head of Alienware confirmed the news.
“Well, the cat’s out of the bag,” said Nelson Gonzalez, co-founder of Alienware. “When we started this company we were just making components and stuff, and then one day this giant glowing crate landed in our lawn, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t what became our first ever shipment of Alienware towers. Once in a while the aliens come down and take some money from us and they drop off some more computers. It’s really been a great system, and I hope it all being out in the public like this doesn’t screw it up.”
As of press time, congress had also confirmed that most of the alien’s UFOs had really cool RGB lights in them.
When I sat down for Pixar’s Elemental, I can’t say I didn’t have a preconceived notion of what it was going to be. The trailers and marketing materials seemed to lay bare what was a flat, paint by numbers romcom about opposites attracting expressed through the hammy and obvious metaphor of basic elements. “Wait, you’re telling me they’re fire and water? Oh boy, that certainly sounds like a mismatched pair!”
Echoes of this premise and ones like it have been ever present in Pixar’s past works, and this appeared to be the same rag. If anything, it’s almost a concept someone might dream up in an attempt to satirize or distill Pixar’s formula. You know, a fantastical world populated by humanoid something-or-others, destined to experience anything from puberty to learning the meaning of friendship, love, etc, for roughly two hours at a time. Riveting stuff.
However, this bias was almost entirely proven wrong right from the film’s opening few minutes. I quickly learned that it was not really so much an awkward love story, so much as it was a series of strange vignettes strung together via that same love story. Vignettes depicting staunch, commonplace, inner city racism played baldly with no real room for interpretation or analog outside of being exactly what it is: 2004’s Crash diluted for Disney adults.
It’s important to be clear after writing a sentence that obscure and loaded, that neither Crash, nor Elemental, are categorically good movies. In fact, on a functional & emotional level, they’re both pretty bad. Both are ill-conceived, profoundly stupid, and have the word “subtlety” nowhere in their cinematic vocabulary. However, at the very least, it’s so purely dumbfounding to see a Pixar animated children’s film share a lot of those same opaque depictions of racial strife in the least metaphorical terms possible. So much so that it somehow tracks as endearing. It barely feels real. It unintentionally had more in common with Sausage Party’s hyperbolic crassness than it did something like Zootopia.
Still somehow a better version of A Song of Ice and Fire than the final season of Game of Thrones.
The most unpredictable aspect of this all being, it all comes off as laugh out loud hilarious in its execution and blatant unawareness of its own trite nature. It somehow thinks it’s being brave in its convictions, when in reality it’s more or less showing you a 200 million dollar Cum Town bit brought to life. It’s a marvel, and I cackled like a goddamn hyena front to back.
Allow me to explain a little further:
The story sees Ember, a young fire woman, working daily to impress her father, Bernie, in order to take over the family convenience store, all being complicated by a tryst with a water person, Wade. However, before we get to this, we’re shown the family’s origin of arriving in Element City, in which Bernie and his wife literally get the full Ellis Island treatment. They give their names in some unpronounceable foreign language, and are given anglicized names based on their ethnic features, Bernie & Cinder. They then walk the streets, having slurs hurled at them by strangers, looking for a place to rent. Being rejected by every landlord they come into contact with, until they’re forced into an abandoned property in a ghetto. Not only that, but when we jump ahead to the present day, these characters have become embittered and racist themselves. It’s cyclical, just like real life! And it only gets more bat shit from there.
This movie has in-universe slurs (cloud puff, fire ball, sparky, etc). It has established racial stereotypes. It has fucking gentrification. It even has every breed of racist you could think of. Some are fetishistic bleeding hearts, some are outright hate mongers. It’s even often just casual. When we meet Wade for the first time, it’s as he’s performing a code inspection of Ember’s bodega. Sobbing uncontrollably as he writes fine after fine. Lamenting that he has to shut down the dream of this poor immigrant family all while he actively dismantles it. Later on, when we meet his family. The model picture of upper class white liberals. They live in a condo, we meet the gay cousin and her partner, the uncle that sells paintings, etc. They’re all fascinated with Wade’s new ethnic squeeze (“I have to say, you speak so well & clear!”).
If this was present in anything else, it would be eye rolling — but somehow, being illustrated via amorphous cartoons just amplifies its own absurdity. We couldn’t get away with being this hack with actual actors, so let’s do it here. For kids!
Shy of whipping out a laser pointer and individually highlighting every crudity contained within, the summation of them all point to the most confounding section in the whole symphony. Not a lick of it seems intentional. At least in the sense the movie seemed to be grasping for.
Will their babies come out as steam? Would that be mixed race? Why is Pixar making me think about this?
For clarity, I don’t think you could write, animate, and direct something like this without having some intention. It’s evident that the film seems to think it’s making some profound, grand stand. Displaying the realities of racism to a new generation, hoping to glean these lessons into their playgrounds and lives. Instead, things landed firmly at absurdist comedy. Borderline satire. The lion’s share feels like it was adapted from a South Park Pixar parody and sterilized to be suitable for children. It’s like the Good Dinosaur guy was getting revenge or something.
Y’know what? Fuck it. I hope they meant it this way. Why stop here? I want a dozen more of these dealing with every race-fuelled controversy of the last 100 years, all expressed solely via Avatar: The Last Airbender style hammy sight gags. I want the Rodney King Riots but with guys made outta rocks on the roofs of small businesses with rifles. I want Water Palestine and Fire Israel blowing up the Elemental Gaza Strip. I want Air Kanye West to go on TV with Earth Mike Myers and say “George W Bush doesn’t care about cloud people,” and then they cut away to Bush reacting and he’s a literal bush. Do a holocaust period drama where Hitler’s like, mustard gas or something I don’t know. We’ve struck a rich, rich vein of dumb horse shit here and it would be a waste not to apply it accordingly.
In conclusion, go see Elemental as it squeaks out of cinemas, but under no circumstance should you pay for it. Assuming you’ve already done your Barbenheimer trip, throw a couple bucks to Past Lives or No Hard Feelings or something; theater hop for a little bit. If anything, just to prove to yourself I didn’t make all this shit up. You won’t regret it.
Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News
Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox
