Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Seto Raytheon Takes Over Father’s Company and Diverts Focus Onto Card Games

Posted on August 6, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ARLINTON, Va. — Seto Raytheon, the adopted 18-year-old heir to RTX Corporation, the defense conglomerate formerly known as Raytheon Technologies Corporation, has taken over the company and refocused its attention on card games, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’m honestly not really sure how it happened. He just waltzed into the board room, flipped his giant white coat around, and demanded he control the company. And now he does? I don’t know!” said former board member Shaun Burnett. “I swear to fucking god, at one point, I thought he had a dragon with him. I don’t know if that was real or fake or what. But I saw a dragon. Then he said he was going to send one of the other board members to the ‘shadow realm’ and straight up shot him with a gun. His name was Bobby. Worked here 30 years. Had a whole family and everything.”

“You hear about these kinds of things happening in Japan all the time,” Burnett added. “But I never thought it would happen here. Not in the U.S. of A.”

According to those who were in the room, Seto Raytheon wore no less than 9 buckled belts, but only one to keep his pants above his waist.

“It’s time to put aside these foolish childhood games, selling weapons to the highest bidder, and start working on the real goals: building a competitive deck powerful enough to win a card tournament where the prize is an ancient Egyptian relic!” Seto Raytheon shouted to employees at his first meeting as CEO. “This company may have been dedicated to arms, but now it has but one true goal: making me the greatest card game player of all time.”

Despite criticism, some employees welcome the change.

“I already felt bad about working for an evil company and this is at least a little bit better. Now instead of creating new missiles that kill the most people, I’m helping track down a rare piece of paper with a sexy wizard girl drawn on it,” said RTX engineer Caitlin Bailey. “As far as egomaniacal CEOs go, it could be worse. I have a friend who works at Tesla.”

At press time, Seto Raytheon was killed in a card game by another child.

Baldur’s Gate 3 Volo Guide: How to Save Volo in BG3

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Christian Dawson

Want to recruit Volo to your Baldur’s Gate 3 party? Let’s be honest, there aren’t any “good” characters in BG3. At best, there are some characters that you’ll come across in your journeys that are less crappy than others. While everyone has an angle they’re trying to play and something they want to get out of you, Volo the Bard is one of the absolute worst.

Players will encounter the minstrel with a penchant for exaggeration when they visit the lower section of the Druid sanctuary in the Emerald Grove. There, Volo will grill them for information regarding the recent goblin attack before stating his intent to go see the mischievous creatures himself.

How To Find And Rescue Volo In Baldur’s Gate 3

As you have probably already surmised, Volo is a buffoon and now finds himself in dire straits with the goblins. After heading west from the Emerald Grove, players will encounter a desolated village overrun by goblins, ogres, and more. We strongly advise having your most charismatic character do the talking as fighting your way through this goblin stronghold is nigh impossible at the current level of two to three.

Proceed further into the goblin stronghold until you come across a banquet hall filled with the sloshed green meanies. Standing tall on a makeshift stage in the center will be Volo who is being forced to perform. Eventually, you’ll have the opportunity to interrupt him by calling out his questionable rhymes and he’ll lose his nerve only to be escorted off by his handler.

Head to the back of the room and feel free to ignore the ogre as he won’t do anything to stop you from going through the door. After crossing the threshold, you’ll be grilled by a few more goblins saying you should turn back. Do whatever course of action you feel is best here, but again, try not to resort to violence as things will get messy real quick.

Up on the right side of the second floor will be a door containing Volo and his captor. Head inside and chat her up. The quickest way to release Volo is to read his captor’s mind and reveal that she’s been hiding the man from her superiors. Point this out and she’ll reluctantly give you the key to his ramshackle cage.

Once released, Volo will down an invisibility potion and head to your camp. There, he’ll give you a shirt for your efforts and claim he knows all about the mindflayers. By now, you should be wary of his claims. Make sure to turn down his offer to remove the tadpole, lest he pluck out your eye with an icepick, thus giving you a permanent -1 on Intelligence checks, the inability to land critical hits, and a disadvantage on all Perception checks.

That’s all there is to rescuing the walking trash bag that is Volo in BG3. He’s honestly not worth the hassle, but for those wanting to be a hero and save the Forgotten Realms, he’s another punch on the hero card. While you’re questioning your life choices in Baldur’s Gate 3, be sure to check out our guide on changing your appearance.

Every Big Screen Batman Ranked by How Well They Would Run Twitter

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

It’s really too bad that if Twitter had to be bought by a humorless billionaire that dresses up in silly costumes it couldn’t have been The Dark Knight. With that in mind, here is a ranking of every movie version of Batman, ranked by how well I think they would run Twitter if they had it in Gotham City.

9. Christian Bale

The Christopher Nolan version of Batman would almost certainly post long-winded rants and cringey memes about the nature of man, and then implement a bunch of changes that compromised your privacy, all in the name of “the common good,” or something. Not cool, Batman.

8. Michael Keaton

Remember that shot in Batman Returns where Bruce is just sitting around in his study until the bat signal blasts through the window and he pops up? Pretty sad, really. This Batman would definitely be way too into being in charge of Twitter and I can pretty much guarantee you he doesn’t give a shit about a huge light on the roof upsetting the neighbors.

7. Will Arnett

This self-aware, ironic Batman would be the death of the (already dying) website, almost certainly triggering an onset of brand humor and even more prevalent advertisements, most of which rely too much on jokes people were making like a decade ago. That’s some funny shit, Wendy’s. Now how about paying everyone a little better?

6. George Clooney

This 1997 version of Batman would take an absolute beating from the public, hide out in shame for a while, and then resurface with a cool, self-deprecating and charitable attitude that made everyone forget how poorly he did. He’d show up on all the Gotham talk shows in full costume with a drink in hand making wisecracks about what a terrible CEO of Twitter he was that one time. It’s endearing, but it doesn’t change the fact that you messed the website all up, Batman.

5. Val Kilmer

This Batman would most likely just be the CEO of Twitter for a few months and then we’d forget it ever happened. He’d post some memes about what a jerk The Riddler is and generally fail to make much of an impression. Not a bad CEO, not a great CEO. Just kind of there.

4. Robert Pattinson

This guy is like always Batman, never Bruce. Twitter would probably just become one of many things he forgot he was responsible for as he went out and looked for villains every night. I assume he’d just hire some good engineers and never think about it again. The last thing this Batman would ever do is post a meme hoping people thought he was being funny. This would obviously be a huge win for the platform.

3. Kevin Conroy

The animated Batman was mixed up with some different shit every week, so I think he could handle being thrust into leading a giant social media corporation pretty well. No ridiculous ideas about rebranding it or changing it up. No, he’d probably just very sincerely post questions like “Anyone seen the Catwoman?” and we’d all feel too bad to make sarcastic replies to him.

2. Ben Affleck

This is probably the busiest Batman of all time, playing supporting roles in several movies and never getting one of his own. Between fighting Superman, saving humanity, and doing timeline stuff now I guess, this is certainly a case where Alfred is gonna end up doing most of the actual work. But hey, give me a guy who knows at least a little bit about what it’s like out there over some billionaire-from-birth, you know what I’m saying?

1. Adam West

If you can set aside the technological barrier that could potentially slow the 1960’s Batman down, this version of The Dark Knight would enact zero policy changes and would spend all of his time on the platform talking to girls and retweeting flattering pictures of himself and Robin. Sounds great. Just leave it alone!

“Do You Want to Be the New Luigi?” Hard Drive Interviews Mario

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

After a series of troubling and abysmal interviews, including one with his very own brother, I thought I would just go for the gold and call Mario. I had nothing to lose, and somehow, he agreed! I couldn’t believe my good fortune. Mario is Michael Jordan, John Wayne and Chef Boyardee all rolled into one. A true once in a lifetime talent, his athleticism and heroism are matched only by his charisma. This one had to go well, right?

I met Mario on a street corner. No more restaurants, no more alleys. We’re doing this stuff in public from now on, I’d decided. I gotta lay down some rules. I think Duke Nukem pissed on me last time.

Mario was in a great mood. He’s got a billion dollar movie and a new game coming out. I appreciated him just taking the time to meet me. This was the one that wouldn’t end horribly! I could just tell! He asked me to meet him in a small town he’s renting a home in. He’s asked me not to tell you where it is. (It’s in Indiana)

Mario: Hey, it’s-a Hard Drive! I love-a you guys.

Hard Drive: Whoa, really? That’s so cool. I mean, I know we had this interview set up and everything, but I was a little worried you wouldn’t be the biggest fan of ours. We make all those jokes about you.

Mario: I love them all!

Hard Drive: We’ve also depicted you without clothing on several occasions.

Mario: I did not-a know about that!

Hard Drive: All very tasteful. For the sake of some pretty good bits, I might add.

Mario: I would-a expect nothing less from-a Hard Drive! I remember when you guys-a made Elon Musk-a so mad, they wrote about it in Newsweek.

Hard Drive: Yeah, haha, that was fun.

~~~

We’re stopped by some adoring fans. They apologize and say they wouldn’t normally do this, but The Super Mario Bros Movie has just hit streaming and everyone in town seems to have watched it. Mario is a sport. He smiles for pictures and signs every piece of memorabilia given to him. Only when every fan is satisfied does our interview resume. He mutters something under his breath that I pretend not to hear.

~~~

Mario: All my damn life-a with this shit.

Hard Drive: What’s that?

Mario: Nothing! Mamma mia! Yahoo! Hahaha let’s go find Yoshi, okay?

Hard Drive: Oh cool, I love Yoshi!

~~~

Mario blindfolds me and whacks me on the head one time for good measure before taking me to his secret Yoshi pen. We ride Yoshi’s and chase each other and laugh and basically live out every fantasy I ever had when I used to play Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System back in my youth.

At one point, while we’re soaring through the air on Yoshi’s, chucking shells at each other (in a playful way), Mario looked at me and asked the question every young boy dreams of him asking him one day.

Mario: Say, Mark, do you want to be the new Luigi?

Hard Drive: What? Are you serious?

Mario: Yes. You met him. He’s-a scared shitless of everything he sees, hears, or thinks about. He’s getting worse, too. I have to do it. You will-a grow a mustache, and we will get you a nice set of-a overalls.

Hard Drive: Wow, do you mean it?

Mario: Yes! You’re going to be my new-a best friend! Yahoo!

With that Mario urged his Yoshi to kick it into a higher gear, and he encouraged me to keep up. I gently dug my heels into my Yoshi like Mario, my new best friend, partner, and maybe brother (?) had showed me, but nothing happened. The Yoshi just froze in mid-air. And then the storm cloud suddenly appeared, directly over my head. Thunder roared and soon a hellacious downpour sent me and my Yoshi plummeting down into… Piss Alley?!

Sorry, dear readers. It’s time to snap back to reality. I actually have just described the dream I had while I laid in that alley with Duke Nukem last week. I managed to make it back to my apartment, and I’ve been here recovering all week, but I simply didn’t have time to track down a whole new interview for this Saturday. Wouldn’t that have been swell, though? To speak to the actual Mario? I sure think so. Anyway I got pretty sick when I passed out in that alley, since it was cold and I got rained on all night. I feel awful. Check back next week to see how I’m holding up!

BG3 Change Appearance Guide: Can You Alter it in Baldur’s Gate 3?

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Looking for a way to change the appearance of your character in BG3? Baldur’s Gate 3 is the latest game from Larian Studios, the renowned developers behind great RPGs like the Divinity series. Their newest game, though, takes notes from the Dungeons & Dragons. Players of the popular tabletop RPG will feel right at home with the mechanics of Baldur’s Gate.

One of the most fun things players can do, of course, is the creation of their own original character. With many races and classes for you to choose from, your character has a lot of flexibility to create for a fun role-playing experience. There’s plenty of deep appearance things to change, too. So, with such a deep customization system, can you change your appearance later if you change your mind?

Can you Change Your Appearance in BG3?

Unfortunately, at the moment, there is no way to change your appearance in Baldur’s Gate 3 after the initial customization screen without the Digital Deluxe Edition. Make sure that the character you make in the initial creation process is a face you’ll want to look at for hundreds of hours, because after the creation process, you’re likely stuck with it.

Players who own the Digital Deluxe Edition of the game, however, can use one of the included items, the Mask of the Shapeshifter, to change their race and appearance in BG3 whenever they please. This definitely isn’t an ideal situation. Luckily, though, this pack of items isn’t too exorbitantly priced, with the pack including this piece of equipment costing $9.99. If you’re a player who plans on changing their appearance often, this purchase may be worth the price of admission.

That’s all you need to know about changing your appearance in Baldur’s Gate 3! Although you unfortunately can’t change your appearance in the base game, at least not all hope is lost. While you’re here, why not some other useful information, including the BG3 level cap.

Baldur’s Gate 3 Level Cap Guide: What is the Max Level in BG3?

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Christian Dawson

There are a multitude of ways to play Baldur’s Gate 3. For some, it’s all about the roleplay and getting to know all of the characters and their rich backstories. For others, it’s about exploring the vast world of the Forgotten Realms. Then there are those that revel in the power fantasy. Getting into the thick of combat and demolishing their foes is the only objective in the game. For optimal carnage, players will want to hit the level cap fast to acquire the largest selection of spells and abilities. So, just what is the level cap in Baldur’s Gate 3?

What Is The Max Level In Baldur’s Gate 3?

The current level cap for any character in Baldur’s Gate 3 is 12. While in development, Larian Studios had tried to cap things off at level 10 but instead opted for two additional levels to grant players access to higher-level spells.

This means that players will hit the current level cap long before they cross the finish line which is the main storyline. For those that are curious, simply plowing through the main story and ignoring everything else will take players between 75 and 100 hours. Those that wish to complete everything in the fantasy RPG will be looking at least 200 hours of content.

It’s a curious choice to cap the player’s level at 12 whereas the cap for Dungeons & Dragons fifth edition (which BG3 uses as a base) is level 20. It is possible this level cap could be raised with future expansions or DLC. For those that hit the cap and find the game a bit too easy for their fully-empowered character, remember that the difficulty can be increased in the options menu to provide a more robust challenge.

That’s all there is to the level cap in Baldur’s Gate 3. Armed with that knowledge, why not take a look at our guides for which class to choose as a beginner or how to free Shadowheart?

Baldur’s Gate 3 Best Class Guide: Best BG3 Class as a Beginner

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Christian Dawson

Baldur’s Gate 3 is a big game full of important choices, including what the best class to choose is. Those familiar with the fifth edition of Dungeons & Dragons, which Baldur’s Gate 3 uses as its foundation, will be in familiar waters. However, those that have never had the chance to play the pen-and-paper RPG might be a little lost. Here are the best classes to get started with.

Best Starter Classes In Baldur’s Gate 3

What are the best classes as a beginner in Baldur's Gate 3?

Simplicity is the name of the game when starting a new character in Baldur’s Gate 3. Due to the ruleset that it uses, there is a near-overwhelming amount of information. Over time, players will be able to digest more and more info and can make increasingly complex characters but it’s a journey of a thousand steps. Jumping into the deep end right away can lead to some real headaches, especially since players aren’t only responsible for their character’s actions, but their party members’ as well.

Fighter – Best Starter Class in Baldur’s Gate 3

The absolute simplest class out there is the Fighter. There aren’t any resources like spells or cantrips that have to be managed. It’s simply a matter of getting in your enemy’s face and beating on it with whatever you have in your hands. Throw in their ability to wear and use nigh any piece of armor and weapon and they’re pretty adept in any situation.

Ranger

If you want to stay in the realm of the physical but want to keep your enemies at a distance, playing a Ranger is the way to go. Not only can you channel your inner Legolas but you can also enlist the help of an animal companion to help turn the odds in your favor.

Warlock

Those with a penchant for magic will want to cast their gaze toward the Warlock. While other casters like Sorcerers and Wizards can be absolutely devastating, they also come with a ridiculous spellbook that can confuse and overwhelm new players. Plus, Warlocks come with the Eldritch Blast cantrip which is absolutely brutal early on. It’s a nice easy learning curve that allows players to channel their inner goth.

Those are our picks for the best starter class in Baldur’s Gate 3. There isn’t any wrong choice when it comes to selecting your class in BG3 and being able to control your companions in battle will help players get a feel for the other classes. Ultimately, it comes down to picking whatever fits your aesthetic best. At worst, you’ll have to reload saves frequently until you get all the kinks ironed out. Now that you have an idea of what class to pick, make sure to read our guide on freeing an early BG3 companion, Shadowheart.

Man Revisiting Game He Loved as a Child Shocked to Discover It’s More Than 2 Hours Long

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Stephen Bell

ARLINGTON, Texas — A 37-year-old man was recently shocked to discover a game he loved playing as a child was actually more than two hours long, sources have confirmed.

“Get the hell out of here,” said local gamer Denny Whittington, while playing Destiny’s Edge, a 1997 PS1 action game he’d played in his youth and recently decided to dig out of the closet. “I played this game so many times, but I never realized that there was more than the first island you’re on. I thought that was the whole game. Wow. Wait, I have an inventory? There’s a store? This changes everything.”

Developers of the game reportedly anticipated that players such as Whittington would think the game was so short.

“We knew there was a good chance that some kids might play for more than a few hours, so we definitely added some Easter eggs, like more levels, bosses, and story beyond that first island,” said Jim Fagan, director of Destiny’s Edge. “We wanted it to have some replay value, for the kids who didn’t have large collections of games and/or short attention spans.”

As of press time, Whittington was blown away to discover there had been several sequels to Destiny’s Edge, as well as an anime, a feature length film, and several graphic novels. After being excited for a second, he ultimately decided that it sounded like a whole thing.

Sexual Tension Festers Among Only Two People on Same Google Doc

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Cameron Snow

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Slowly simmering ever so discreetly, sexual tension began to fester between two lone collaborators in the same Google Doc, sources have confirmed.

“Lately I’ve been getting the vibe that Anonymous Rhino wants to have sex with me,” remarked Mike Lauber, one of two collaborators in the marketing research document. “All the tell tale signs are evident: he’s been resolving my comments all night long, he’s been moving his cursor so provocatively, and his clipart rhino profile picture is totally giving me bedroom eyes! He clearly wants inside me, and I’m certain I’m not misreading this situation. He’s probably just playing hard to get, like the dirty little randomly assigned animal he is. Ugh, I literally get goosebumps just imagining what’s under that disguise of his. I bet it’s his first initial with a maroon background — fuck, that’s hot.”

Anonymous Rhino, also known as Taylor Schloman, 32, is tired of being consumed by constant, intense lust every time she uses Google Docs.

“Why did Google think they could let us share these documents with each other and our crotches wouldn’t get all horny about it?” asked Schloman. “They should’ve known better! I truly want to be a productive person, but I just can’t when that guy’s cursor is sitting there so mysteriously hot. Sure, Google Docs is a nice tool to write, organize and share things with your peers, but everyone knows that’s all just a cover-up of the fact that they’re hiding the world’s largest sex cult right in front of our eyes.”

Google’s head software engineer, Corey Mendel, opened up about the creation of Google Docs.

“When we set out to create Google Docs, we kept asking ourselves one single question: how can we create a space where absolutely nothing sexual happens, yet everyone is turned on anyway?” explained Mendel. “Needless to say, we did exactly that. Our data has shown 97% of users feel an odd yet pleasant flutter in their pelvic region any time someone joins the same Doc as them.”

As of press time, Google experienced a server outage after 9 million users typed “8===D” at the same time.

Every Mario Kart Item Ranked by How Much Money I’d Make Selling It to the U.S. Military

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Look, I’m no fan of the United States military. They’ve got a huge budget, a budget full of money to spend on useless shit. So that useless shit might as well pay my rent! Assuming I could get my hands on them, this is every Mario Kart item ranked by how much money I could get by selling it to the U.S. Military.

#32 — Banana Peel

Look, I’m a decent salesman, but I’m no wizard. I would instantly get laughed out of the room for trying some shit like this.

#31 — Feather

What’s this thing going to do, give a soldier a cape and let them descend a little slower? No shot this sells.

#30 — Crazy 8

8’s an unlucky number. I can try telling them it’s an 8-for-1 deal, but the bad vibes are scaring them out of the deal. The “crazy” in the name makes them pretty wary, too.

#29 — Boomerang Flower

A flower giving someone the power to throw a useless weapon? The only actual value this gives is the dorky hat that this item gives Mario in the games.

#28 — Heart

Good news: the heart can give a shield. Bad news: it only works on other Mario Kart items. Pretty useless considering I’m going to strike a multi-million dollar deal to give the U.S. a monopoly on these items.

#27 — Blue Shell

The acquisitions guy isn’t interested in buying the blue shell whatsoever. The acquisitions guy keeps saying it would only hit ourselves because “America is #1,” apparently despite the class inequality, broken two-party system, rapidly rising inflation, daunting student debt crisis, etc.

#26 — Super Horn

The military already has plenty of tools that make loud noises. However, if I show the military videos of this thing working on blue shells and convince them it can do the same thing to artillery, I just might stand a chance at getting a pretty penny for this thing.

#25 — Fireball

One fireball, even if I can contain it, won’t get me much. Seems a little bit of a hard sell, but it’s pretty deadly, so I think I can still get some money for this.

#24 — Blooper

Essentially, Blooper is a better smokescreen. It’s more targeted and directly in their eyes, though, so I think I can get a decent chunk of change if I capture a few of these guys.

#23 — Birdo Egg

If the Army has no idea what a Birdo is, I can convince them it’s a very destructive creature that can be weaponized. If one gamer intern let’s it slip what Birdo truly is, though, I’m fucked. No one wants a Birdo.

#22 — Coin

It might seem weird to try and sell the government money, but once I show them it slightly increases their top speed, I think they’ll be convinced they’re magical. Some money to be made here, especially if I go full tourist trap-style for my sales pitch.

#21 — Green Shell

You might think this ranks lower than red because it’s a worse weapon, but it’s honestly just a branding thing. Anything red, white, or blue is instantly a better sell. Sorry, green shell.

#20 — Bob-omb

Bob-omb is tough. On one hand, this is just a living, unpredictable grenade. On the other, though, the army could wind these bad boys up and get them marching into enemy territory. This could go either way, but I think these are some strong additions to the United States arsenal.

#19 — Piranha Plant

I have no doubt in my mind that a Piranha Plant would be an incredible boon to any military operation. I’m convinced I could get millions, but the acquisitions guy just keeps saying that he thinks the plant is going to “go all Little Shop of Horrors on his ass.”

#18 — Fake Item Box

Gonna convince them this is just a regular mystery box as a prank. I won’t get any pay, but what a bunch of suckers for getting tased by this thing lmao. So worth it.

#17 — Mushroom

Going to be honest, this is another prank item. I’m planning to keep the actual Mushroom Kingdom mushroom for myself to try and get my mile time down. Meanwhile, some poor private in the Army is about to have the worst trip of his life.

#16 — Red Shell

Easy money with the red shell. All I have to do is undercut Lockheed Martin homing missiles. If I can find a big supply, I’ll have them out of business within a month.

#15 — Fire Flower

This is just a more controllable version of the Fireball. Would be able to get a lot for this, but only once, since they can just plant the seeds to make more for themselves. Circle of life or whatever, but I just wish I could get more money out of this thing.

#14 — Bowser Shell

This big ol’ spiky guy is the best bang for my buck. A bit harder to load due to its size, sure, but saying “look at those cool spikes!” ought to raise the price a few hundred thousand dollars over the other shells.

#13 — Chain Chomp

I know I could make a lot of money selling a Chain Chomp, but I’m not sure I should. This poor boy is fine if kept on a leash, but I just know they won’t be responsible with this guy. Maybe it’s better off if I keep him in my backyard for myself.

#12 — Golden Mushroom

There’s no faking this one, but I could easily convince the acquisitions guy this is made of real gold. Thanks for the cash, and good luck finding a combat utilization for a speed boosting mushroom.

#11 — Boo

A ghost that can steal top-of-the-line equipment from the opposition? I’ll be able to get huge value out of this guy for sure. The government has been trying to convince us for decades that North Korea is trying to build a Boo. With that in mind, the U.S. military is definitely going to want to purchase one of their own.

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