Every Single Non-Canon Dragon Ball Character Ranked by Worthiness of Being Canonized

Posted on by Corey Arbor

Whether you’re a casual fan who actually has a day job or a bizarre “fan” who seems to think it’s their job to block people from enjoying a diverse artistic medium, you know what Dragon Ball is. The show that spawned an unlikely international media empire off the backs of retelling Journey to the West and making bawdy jokes about its own magical MacGuffins has spanned multiple decades, been translated into dozens of languages, and contains some of the most recognizable characters across the globe. And in all that time, there has been an inordinate amount of filler, add-ons, movies, spin-offs, and other media that have invented, recontextualized, and even fully ripped off the original characters in ways that its creator never intended or probably ever wanted.

However, simply because a character wasn’t part of the creator’s original vision doesn’t mark them as an artistically bereft, soulless cash-in. The anime filler, movies, and subsequent series and spin-offs have had some of the best and brightest in the anime industry design characters who could fit the series’ look and tone while standing out enough to become characters with their own massive followings, in-jokes, and memes. Some are even good enough that it’s been a long-standing request they be brought into the sacred fold of… canon. But who is worthy to become bathed in the Creator’s Light, and who should just take a nice trip down to HFIL to become better? That’s why I’m ranking every non-canon character from Dragon Ball for their worthiness of being canonized.

Some ground rules first: feral animals and unthinking robots aren’t included; the character must have spoken dialogue and have a listed name or identifying title to be considered. Named groups will be a single entry with named members broken out separately. If a canon character appears in a non-canon form, then it must be fundamentally different from the canon form to be considered. And characters who appear exclusively in video games or their promotional manga spin-offs aren’t. And remember: this is a scientific list with decades of research behind it; there’s no space for personal grudges or taste!

Note: I started writing this, and largely wrapped it up, before Akira Toriyama’s death on March 1st of 2024. I’m not planning on changing anything as a result, but suffice it to say: writing over 14,000 words about his work, and the works adjacent to it, still doesn’t quite seem sufficient to express my admiration.

243. Turles
Dragon Ball Z: Tree of Might (1990)

This guy. This guy. Ooohhhh, this underdesigned, incoherent, dull-as-dishwater villain with a half-interesting backstory and henchmen actually more interesting than he is. I get that he’s supposed to be a dark reflection of Goku, but his character design is just so lazy that he could be named Goku Black, and that’s already a character! He goes on the very bottom of the list for being the worst thing a Dragon Ball character can be: boring and underdesigned.

242. Slim Jim
Dragon Ball Z: Episode 204

For the crime of sullying the name of the greatest processed beef snack stick known to all humanity and all Macho Mankind, he is as close to the bottom as possible. His pompadour and slick purple shirt are all that saved him from going under even the hated Turles.

241. Agundes
Dragon Ball: Evolution (2009)

The bigfoot of Dragon Ball, finding decent images of this guy online is nigh-on impossible, but I can’t exactly be surprised people don’t want to remember anything about him. Did you ever, whilst watching Dragon Ball Z or Dragon Ball think: this is a great martial arts adventure, balancing wacky comedy and enormous stakes, but what I could really go for is some generic high school drama involving 30-somethings playing teenagers!

 

240. Imeckian Police Force
Dragon Ball GT Episode 4

This counts all of Don Kee’s forces as, let’s face it: they’re all agents of the wealthy. The last thing any world needs is more cops.

239. Grandpa Gohan
Dragonball: Evolution (2009)

The script isn’t the fault of the actor, but the simple fact of the matter is: there’s nothing that puts this guy above the Grandpa Gohan we already have, know, and love.

238. Carey Fuller
Dragonball Evolution (2009)

The actor’s name is Texas Battle. That’s not a pseudonym, that is that man’s given name, and I think he deserves better than to be an ineffectual bully to Goku.

237. Mai
Dragon Ball: Evolution (2009)

Not much of a character in the original Dragonball, became weirder in Super if you think about the fact that her mind is a woman in her 30s while her body is a prepubescent girl and still has a crush on Kid Trunks-where was I going with this? Oh yeah, this is just a boring henchwoman in this movie. She looks cool, at least!

236. Poperu
Dragon Ball GT: Episode 1

He’s the most popular boy in school, and clearly his t-shirt game is on-point, but I think Pan’s too young to be seeing an older boy. Especially one she’d probably accidentally snap in half going for a hand-hold.

235. Goku
Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Hah! You thought he was going to be at the bottom, didn’t you? You know what, for as awful and misguided and inaccurate and lazy and…where was I going with this? The fact is: at least they tried to do something with the character instead of slapping a scouter on his face and calling him “new.”

234. Stylish Bank Robbers
Dragon Ball Z: Wrath of the Dragon (1995)

Their crime is never actually said out loud, but these guys seem like the type to fail to rob a bank thanks to a pair of new-school superheroes.

233. Clever Bank Robbers
Dragon Ball GT Episode 2

Nothing in-particular makes this criminal group stand out, in the world of Dragon Ball Z, all criminals are from the Mad Gear/ ‘80s Urban Paranoia school of “being comically overarmed,” but these ones distinguish themselves by being smart enough to see through the obvious ruse of the cops. Still, there’s little to distinguish them from any other criminal group.

232. Chi-Chi McRoberts
Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Admit it, you didn’t even know the character had a last name in the movie. Well, she technically doesn’t as her surname only appears in the equally abysmal tie-in game for the PSP. Yes, the PSP. Nor that it was as weirdly, bizarrely misguided as “McRoberts.” Sadly a bit of a lateral move for her character with how she’s written in the canon, instead of being a woman obsessed with living a normal life with a normal husband, she’s delegated to “love interest and mentor.”

231. Muten Roshi
Dragonball Evolution (2009)

For the crime of wasting Chow-Yun Fat, this should probably be even lower, but ironically: his few bright spot moments are actually some of the best in the movie. He plays the character as unhinged and wacky, and that’s about what he was in the source material, and the actor really seemed like he was going to go all-in, even if the script wasn’t going to. They toned down the perversion, much to the chagrin of people who will complain about anything except important things, but even still: just the worst version of Roshi.

230. Igor
Dragon Ball: The Princess in the Sleeping Castle (1989)

He’s cute and weird and has a dry sense of humor that I like, but this list isn’t about what I like or don’t, and the sad truth is: there’s just not much to distinguish this fellow from any other

229. Lord Piccolo
Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Stays this low on the list for wasting the talent of genuine Dragon Ball superfan James “Spike” Marsters. At least he later got to be a part of…one of the worst endings of Dragon Ball franchise history as Zamasu. But he did a great job with the great character! The point is: this adaptation actually mostly gets the character of Piccolo Daimo right, it’s just in one of the worst movies ever.

228. Berry
Dragon Ball Z: Episode of Bardock (2011)


More a part of a twist than a real character, this little fella is stuck in one of the silliest retcons in all of Dragon Ball and doesn’t do much to distinguish himself within the short time he has onscreen.

 

227. Ipana
Dragon Ball Z: Episode of Bardock (2011)

Episode of Bardock really feels like it wants to be a riff on old cowboy or samurai movies: The hardened warrior falls in love with a village’s kindness and it melts his cold exterior etc. etc., the problem is: the TV special isn’t even an hour long, and none of the characters develop enough or distinguish themselves enough to make it any higher, save one. And it ain’t “the kindly town doctor.”

226. Trunks’ Co-Workers
Dragon Ball GT Episode 1

Mostly existing to show the little Nepo-Baby is popular with everyone (even camp men can’t get enough!), I’m not opposed to the main characters having “normal” lives, but there’s a difference between being socialized through schooling as a child and holding a desk job when you have the powers of a demigod. And this isn’t a Clark Kent situation, Trunks has little interest in ‘blending in’ and seems far more like he’s doing it because it’s expected of him. In a more character-driven show, this would cause conflict. In GT: it’s a way to show and tell that Trunks is physically attractive.

225. Bongo
Dragonball: Curse of the Blood Rubies (1986)

The only notable thing about this guy is: he takes weapons in lieu of payment. Otherwise they don’t come more generic than henchmen like this.

224. Bulma Enchanto
Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Despite not even being able to settle on a real surname (Briefs is a mistranslation of the original text, Enchanto only in the videogame version and…is somehow both overthought and had no thought put into it), this character actually escaped the movie largely unscathed, but all that does is make her redundant to the canon. It’s nice that she’s given better motivation than a wealthy genius looking to wish for a boyfriend or unlimited supply of fruit she could easily afford, but all it does is ultimately make her too generic to bother with.

223. Cardinal Mochi Moch
Dragon Ball GT: Episode 9

Serves his purpose perfectly as a headfake to who’s REALLY in-charge of the cult, and aside from a character design that hearkens back to Toriyama’s fantasy work, there’s little to this guy that couldn’t be done better by a new character.

222. Mutchy
Dragon Ball GT: Episode 11

A half-decent character hidden in a half-decent twist should make a whole interesting reveal, but unfortunately: despite an excellent look, Mutchy feels like padding within an already wandering plotline.

221. Luud Cult
Dragon Ball GT: Episode 7

When you lack the basic dignity of the Red Ribbon army, I don’t think you’re long for the world of actually being canonized. More a plot-point than an ongoing threat, the cult at least has a fun design and a few twists up their sleeves, but it all amounts to leaving a breadcrumb trail to Dr. Myuu.

220. Yamcha
Dragonball: Evolution (2009)

If anything illustrates just how much this movie missed the point, this handsome lad is the MVP of the movie! Not only is he played by genuine hunk Joon Park, he’s shown to be hyper-competent and even shoots Mai in the back with his Wolf Fang Gun (thanks for that one, Lani), not only killing her but saving Bulma! Yamcha’s a handsome man, make no mistake, the casting is excellent. But allowing him dignity and competence? That’s not MY Yamcha.

219. Hoi
Dragon Ball Z: Wrath of the Dragon (1995)

The inclusion of a great many “demonic spellcasters” in the videogames that came out after this movie have made this schemer all but redundant. Good design, neat storyline, but can’t quite claw his way higher than this.

 

218. Dark Shenron
Dragon Ball Heroes (2010)

I genuinely don’t know why they invented a whole new ‘dark dragon’ when there was literally already one in existence. And that one smokes a cigar and is vulgar!

217. Chico

Dragon Ball Z: Episode 16

Because of its presence as an all-ages powerhouse, this franchise is often saddled with insufferable children as tag-alongs to increase stakes or make a broad point about the innocence of youth. Chico is…one such example. As the youngest and smallest, she is, of course, required to be the most irritating.

216. Rom

Dragon Ball Z: Episode 16

Befriending Gohan as a way for the plot to teach him about responsibility, Rom would have an entire movie made about him if Hollywood tried to make another “standard ‘90s’” adaptation of Dragon Ball. As it is: he’s another useless tag-along. But his uselessness is cute, you see.

215. Charlie

Dragon Ball GT Episode 41

Just fodder for Goku’s srise through the children’s division of the GT tournament. Nothing about him stands out, but his outfit has some nice flourishes that keep him from vanishing entirely into the background.

214. Danny
Dragon Ball GT Episode 40

Loses his dog for a moment of suspense as the Earth itself crumbles. When “owns a dog” is the most notable thing you can say about someone, it…well, it places them here because at the very least: his storyline is brief.

213. Lime

Dragon Ball Z: Episode 170

No. Seriously. Why is this series about martial arts gods obsessed with shoe-horning useless, “adorable” moppets into it to teach basic life lessons!?

212. Pansy
Dragon Ball: Curse of the Blood Rubies (1986)

I genuinely feel like I’m starting to lose my mind…

211. Hacchi

Dragon Ball Z Episode 16

Kid looks like a troublemaker. Don’t know how else to say it, there’s something about a child in a uniform that just makes me think “trouble.”

210. Coco
Dragon Ball Z: Broly – Second Coming (1994)

Outside of Dragon Ball Z, this franchise is really in love with irritating children as tagalongs. This can be effective when they serve a purpose beyond moving the plot forward, or being a distraction to KEEP it from moving forward, but this one hardly accomplishes either.

209. Ena

Dragon Ball Z: Episode 16

Scores higher than Chico by being a fundamentally less annoying character. Let that be a lesson to you, kids: at least try to be less irritating.

208. Monty Cash
Dragon Ball Z: Bojack Unbound (1993)

Why are there so many, when will this endless tide of babbling, screaming, crying children end?

207. Jinku

Dragon Ball Z: Episode 16

You wanna climb the list of being an annoying, useless tag-along? Be an adorable dog boy!

206. Yordon

Dragon Ball Z: Episode 16

And in order to climb higher still: a flight cap and goggles certainly couldn’t hurt!

205. Puck’s Gang
Dragon Ball GT: A Hero’s Legacy


The presence of honest-to-Kami school bullies means: maybe Dragon Ball: Evolution wasn’t so far off in its depiction of Dragon Ball as high school drama…

No, that was much, much worse than this.

204. Puck
Dragon Ball GT: A Hero’s Legacy


More useful than most, Puck’s arc as bully-to-friend, helping Goku Jr. in his quest to free the mountain from Lord Yao. But you know what that still makes him? A tag-along.

203. Colm

Dragon Ball GT Episode 40

Rounding out the cast of adorable, inter-changeable moppets: this fellow at least has something resembling an arc. And a seagull pet. And a voice that didn’t sound like fingernails down my brainpan.

202. Baby’s Host
Dragon Ball GT: Episode 24

And this kid sneaks in at the last second owing to the fact that he actually drives the plot and doesn’t have a horrid, shrill, irritating voice.

201. Zalador
Dragon Ball Z: Broly – Second Coming (1994)

In a series rife with ineffectual village elders ignorantly following an obviously evil plan, he is one of them. At the very least, he received the dignity of a neat costume.

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Wrestling News: WWE Deny Talks With New AEW-signee

Posted on by Jake Skudder

Wrestling News: WWE appears to have denied having talks with a new AEW signee, who made his debut this week on Dynamite.

Kazuchika Okada, the former IWGP World Heavyweight Champion officially debuted as an All Elite-contracted wrestler this week, aligning himself with The Young Bucks and joining The Elite stable.

According to a new report from Fightful Select, despite WWE’s rumoured interest in the New Japan Pro Wrestling legend, they claim that they did not hold talks with him:

“WWE claims there were no talks between the two sides, though we can confirm with WWE sources that Okada had reached out to WWE talent while weighing his next move, and had considered the possibility in going to WWE. At one point, we’d even heard he’d shown renewed interest in possibly going back in January.”

Wrestling News: WWE Denies Having Talks with Kazuchika Okada

On top of this, a recent Tokyo Sports article revealed that the AEW deal that Okada had signed was for three years, and roughly $4.5 million per year. Fightful would also confirm those behemoth numbers.

Hard Drive Does AEW and WWE News?

Yes, Hard Drive has a real WWE/wrestling news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content or normal gaming news content; We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our Minus World section and if you want to see more pro wrestling or combat sports you can check out my site FightFans, or if you’re a movie fan you can check out my content on MovieMeter!

Jake Paul Training With State of the Art Mike Tyson Simulator Ahead of Match

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Jake Paul and Iron Mike Tyson will be duking it out live on Netflix Saturday, July 20th. In order to prepare for this highly anticipated match, Paul has reportedly started using a state of the art simulation: Mike Tyson’s Punch Out for the NES.

“Bro this game is so realistic,” Paul said with his eyes locked to his 13” CRT TV. “It’s crazy hard too bro. As soon as I figure out his timing I’ll be able to knock him out no problem. It looks like sometimes his feet glitch out. Maybe I can exploit that?”

This isn’t the first time a celebrity has used a fighting game to prepare for a big match. Famously The Insane Clown Posse used the Fight Club video game for a rubric on how to beat the crap out of Fred Durst.

“So far he’s knocked me out 16 times in a row. He’s kinda goated not gonna lie,” Paul said after throwing his NES controller across the room, thus sending his NES console along with it. “I took care of Glass Joe and King Hippo no problem bro! I seriously might have to play this game everyday bro.”

Paul was reportedly able to get some help from redditor littlemacsix9 who gave the former Disney channel star some hot tips and tricks.

“You gotta watch out for those uppercuts,” littlemacsix9 wrote. “He just keeps them coming so you really got to stay focused and dodge! Make sure to get some counterpunches in there too. He shouldn’t do anything else IRL if the game is as accurate as we’re led to believe and you should be able to last until the end and win the match by decision.”

At press time Paul has still not beaten Tyson in the game. Iron Mike himself is reportedly watching old episodes of Bizaardvark to better understand his opponent.

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #993 March 8, 2024

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Mar 8.

We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned,  then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.

 

Already Mar 9 at your location? Try our Wordle answer page for that day instead!

 

Wordle Hint Today 993 March 8, 2024

Wordle Hint Today
Today’s Wordle Hint

Here’s a hint with the meaning of today’s Wordle answer

 

An adjective that refers to something occurring or done before the expected, usual, or appointed time.

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter

The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“Y”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter

The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“L”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Third Letter

The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“R”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Second Letter

The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“A”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today First Letter

The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“E”

 

 

Today’s Wordle Answer

And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.

Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.

That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 542 days straight! So here goes nothing:

 

3…

 

 

2…

 

 

1…

 

 

The Wordle answer today is “EARLY”

 

 

Previous Wordle Answers With Their Definitions

 

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #992 March 7, 2024

 

Wordle #991 For March 6, 2024

“TEARY“

An adjective that describes someone who is shedding a bodily fluid from their eyes, often as a result of sadness, emotion, or sensitivity.

 

Wordle #990 For March 5, 2024

“HUNCH“

A noun that refers to a feeling, intuition, or instinctive guess about something, often without any logical explanation or evidence.

A verb that means to bend or stoop forward, typically due to discomfort, fatigue, or cold.

 

Wordle #989 For March 4, 2024

“FLAME“

The highly visible, brightly glowing, and often flickering component of a fire.

 

Wordle #988 For March 3, 2024

“STATE“

As a noun: a political entity with defined geographical boundaries, a permanent population, and a government.

 

Wordle #987 For March 2, 2024

“URBAN“

The social, cultural, and economic aspects of city life, as opposed to rural living.

 

Wordle #986 For March 1, 2024

“FORTY“

A numeric value that can be arrived at by multiplying four by ten.

 

Wordle #985 For February 29, 2024

“IMAGE“

A visual representation or depiction of something, typically produced by photography, painting, drawing, or digital means.

 

Wordle #984 For February 28, 2024

“DEVIL“

A supernatural being, often depicted as evil, malevolent, or the adversary of God.

 

Wordle #983 For February 27, 2024

“SENSE“

As a noun, any of the five faculties through which stimuli from the external world are received and perceived: sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch.

 

Wordle #982 For February 26, 2024

“OFTEN“

An adverb that indicates frequency or regularity of occurrence.

 

Wordle #981 For February 25, 2024

“SMITH“

A common surname of English origin.

A person who works with skill and craftsmanship in the creation of various objects.

 

Wordle #980 For February 24, 2024

“PIPER“

A musician who plays the bagpipes, a traditional wind instrument.

 

Wordle #979 For February 23, 2024

“APART“

Separate or detached from something else; not connected or joined together.

 

Wordle #978 For February 22, 2024

“HEAVY“

Used as an adjective to indicate having great weight; difficult to lift, move, or carry due to mass or density.

 

Wordle #977 For February 21, 2024

“BUILD“

Used as a verb most commonly: to construct, assemble, or create something, such as a structure, or object.

 

Wordle #976 For February 20, 2024

“MATCH“

To be equal or corresponding to something else in quality, quantity, or significance.

 

Wordle #975 For February 19, 2024

“PRICE“

The amount of money or value that must be paid or exchanged to acquire goods or services.

 

Wordle #974 For February 18, 2024

“RIDGE“

A long, narrow, elevated area of land that forms a crest or a continuous line along the top of a mountain, or hill.

 

Wordle #973 For February 17, 2024

“PSALM“

A sacred song or hymn, typically from a specific titular Biblical book, which is a collection of religious poems and prayers found in the Old Testament of the Bible.

 

Wordle #972 For February 16, 2024

“STASH“

As a noun: a secret or hidden supply of something, typically valuable or desirable items.

As a verb: to hide or store something away, often for future use or for safekeeping.

 

Wordle #971 For February 15, 2024

“ASCOT“

A type of necktie or cravat that is typically worn with formal attire. It consists of a narrow strip of fabric that is folded over and tied in a manner similar to a scarf, with the ends tucked into the collar of a shirt.

 

Wordle #970 For February 14, 2024

“TALON“

A sharp, hooked claw of a bird of prey or a predatory animal, particularly one used for seizing and grasping prey.

 

Wordle #969 For February 13, 2024

“SCRAM“

An informal or colloquial verb that means to leave or go away quickly, often in a hurried or abrupt manner.

 

Wordle #968 For February 12, 2024

“PASTA“

A type of Italian food made from a dough typically consisting of wheat flour, water, and sometimes eggs, which is formed into various shapes and then cooked by boiling or baking.

 

Wordle #967 For February 11, 2024

“NEVER“

An adverb that indicates the absence of something happening or occurring at any time in the past, present, or future.

 

Wordle #966 For February 10, 2024

“FRIED“

An adjective that describes food that has been cooked in oil or fat until it becomes crispy and golden brown on the outside.

 

Wordle #965 For February 9, 2024

“STIFF“

An adjective that means inflexible, or not easily bent.

 

Wordle #964 For February 8, 2024

“PLACE“

A specific point or area in space, indicating where something is situated or located.

 

Wordle #963 For February 7, 2024

“AFTER“

A preposition that denotes the period following a certain moment or event.

 

Wordle #962 For February 6, 2024

“WHICH“

A pronoun, as well as an interrogative word that is used to introduce a clause that provides additional information about a noun.

 

Wordle #961 For February 5, 2024

“REPEL“

A verb that means to push away or drive back forcefully, or to cause strong dislike or aversion.

 

Wordle #960 For February 4, 2024

“VERGE“

A point at which something is about to happen or undergo a change.

 

Wordle #959 For February 3, 2024

“MICRO“

A prefix meaning small used in scientific, technical, and everyday language to denote something tiny in size or on a miniature scale.

 

Wordle #958 For February 2, 2024

“CLEFT“

An adjective that describes something that is split or divided, often into two parts.

 

Wordle #957 For February 1, 2024

“ALIVE“

An adjective that is characterized by the presence of vital signs, such as respiration, heartbeat, and consciousness.

 

Wordle #956 For January 31, 2024

“BULKY“

An adjective used to describe something that is large, heavy, and takes up a lot of space.

Biden Shadowdrops New War During State of the Union Address

Posted on by HG Punk

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Biden shocked the world at the State of the Union address tonight by revealing the United States would be entering another war immediately following the conclusion of his speech.

“And one more thing… I’m proud to announce that we’ll be declaring war, starting later tonight,” revealed Biden to rapturous applause. “The American people have been waiting for a new war, man. I can’t even remember the last time we sent people to die – was it a year or two? If you can hear my voice right now, you will be on the battlefield in no time,” continued the President, throwing darts at a board of the world map. “Is that France? France, right? OK everyone here is headed to war in France. Bit of a remaster, but I think people will like it.”

The reveal has ruffled the feathers of Biden’s enemies, including a heated response from right wing cable news personality Bill Walters.

“I love seeing flesh burn as much as the next guy – so I want to thank the President for working in a bipartisan way to get that done – but this is just an unsustainable way of announcing it,” explained Walters. “We need a consistent, steady stream of new wars, not just random announcements. I mean, now we don’t have the time to gather working class people to send off to their death without a lengthy hype cycle. Where’s the pre-order contracts with Raytheon and Lockheed Martin? How are we going to build up the bad guys? I’ll give Joe one thing though – his speech had one important announcement, which is more than the average State of Play.”

For the citizens of France, who are just now learning hordes of American troops are headed their way, this announcement comes as a shock.

“I haven’t even gotten done playing Persona, and now I have to fight for my country,” complained Jean Blanc, who will be enlisting shortly. “This war just throws a wrench into all my plans. I won’t be able to play a single new game. We didn’t even do anything to America! They’re just trying to fill a schedule because they don’t have any other international conflicts planned.”

While Biden’s speech implied the war was exclusive to the United States and France, those looking to get in on the action can rest assured historically the US is more than happy to spread the conflict to additional countries.

Sweet Baby Inc Confirms You Need No Prior Knowledge of GamerGate to Enjoy GamerGate 2

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Executives from the small narrative consulting firm Sweet Baby Inc are happy to report that you need no prior knowledge of GamerGate to enjoy GamerGate 2.

“Oh we’ve been loving it,” one Sweet Baby executive shared after being forced inside a secure, undisclosed location. “Our engagement metrics are through the roof. Last month we had almost no one showing up unannounced to our offices. This month we’re up 14,512% in what we’re calling ‘unscheduled in-office feedback sessions.’”

According to reports the mood around the office bunker at Sweet Baby Inc is light and jovial, with several of the younger employees and interns enjoying GamerGate 2 despite not knowing much about the original GamerGate.

“All the old people in the office would reference it,” Sasha Birch, 20, said. “But millennials are always talking about weird stuff so I just ignored it. Now that GamerGate 2 is finally here I’m just glad I can relive the whole thing. I had tried to go back and learn about the original GamerGate but all the YouTube videos are super long and the people in them look very unwell.”

One online commenter, who asked to remain anonymous, said he belongs to a fundamentalist gamer group who believes Sweet Baby Inc invented People of Color as an attack against his group.

“All of Western Civilization hangs in the balance,” he said of character bios in a sci-fi RPG. “I will not cower. I will charge bravely into the comment section of each and every actresses’ Instagram post who dares challenge traditional gamer values. My father fought in Gamer Gate 1 and I’m honored to get the chance to serve.”

Although a general distrust of the media made interviews difficult, another group member said, “Maybe Sweet Baby Inc did some annoying corporate HR stuff I don’t know, but I have a job so I’m too busy to talk about any of this. I mostly ignore my Discord friends, they’re kinda nuts.”

As of press time much of the internet was reportedly holding its breath hoping the whole thing passes and we don’t need to talk about it for years to come.

DIY PC Builder Also Getting Really Into Breaking Other Technology Around House

Posted on by Alec Walker

Local PC Builder Luis Ho is taking his lack of skills to the rest of the household, multiple sources confirmed.

“I was constantly dropping frames in every game! Finally, I built up the courage to crack open my case! With a sledgehammer,” said Ho, lugging shards of computer parts out of his office. “But it made me realize I have lots of other tech in my house I can tinker with! Ya know how you can’t see if your dishwasher is working cause the door is opaque? Everyone can relate to this problem. Well, I fixed it by removing the door entirely. I’m excited to turn it on and see what they’ve been hiding from us all these years.”

Ho’s wife, Lisa Ho, is doing everything she can to be supportive of her husband’s hobby,

“Um, it’s actually Lisa Browning, now,” said Browning. “I moved out last week. The last straw was when he put flashing RGB LEDs all over my vibrator. It was better when he would just complain about his crappy computer and I could just tune him out, but his incompetence has leaked into all other facets of our lives. I have a computer engineering degree and he talks to me about PCs like I’m from the 1800s.”

Ho’s favorite PC Building Youtuber, TechDawg, got wind of Ho’s ambitions,

“I heard about Luis after he posted dozens of incoherent comments under all my videos,” said TechDawg, deliberately deleting comments one by one. “He said he’s gonna put a graphics card on his TV to make it look better or something? I have no idea. I post videos to educate people, and this is how some people take it. I had to report his account when he said he was going to rewire all the outlets in his house into one, giant ‘mega outlet.’”

At press time, Ho was seen hanging from his roof screaming about how gluing magnifying glasses to the tiles will turn them into solar panels.

YouTube Apology Video No Match For Viewer’s First-Ever Taste of Power

Posted on by Hard Drive Reporter

LOS ANGELES – The latest apology video from an embattled YouTuber has proven utterly ineffective against the first-ever taste of power experienced by the average viewer, who has never before experienced someone wanting approval from them, sources confirmed today.

“I’ve never felt so alive,” said longtime subscriber Jenna Smith, her eyes gleaming with the intoxicating realization of her own influence. “All this time, I thought I was just a passive consumer of content, but now I see that I hold the very fate of this creator in my hands. I was up all night deciding on my sentencing and statement. The world awaits my decision.”

The video, an hour long masterclass in groveling and self-flagellation, was released in response to the YouTuber’s latest scandal, which involves a harrowing mistake surely worse than anything a single member of the audience has ever done.

“The world awaits my judgment,” said viewer Darryl Sanders, sticking his arm forward with his thumb pointed sideways like a roman emperor deciding if a gladiator should live or die. “I am the one with the power. It is I who decides this poor soul’s fate. That’s why they grovel at my feet. I am judge, subscriber, and executioner.”

As the apology video’s view count climbed, social media feeds quickly filled with demands for more groveling, more tears, and more abject humiliation from the once-beloved content creator.

“It’s a tale as old as time,” explained Dr. Maya Cunningham, a renowned psychologist specializing in internet dynamics. “Give a YouTube viewer even the tiniest modicum of power, and they’ll inevitably start writing out a list of commands some YouTube must abide by in order to cleanse their soul. I myself have received several and by the way I’m so sorry if I came off like I was above you due to my higher education and qualifications earlier.”

At press time, the YouTuber was seen frantically brainstorming a follow up apology video, intent on apologizing for how each individual viewer found the first one unsatisfactory in some ultra-important way.

Universal Can’t Remember If Gru Coming to Fortnite or Call of Duty

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA – Universal Pictures has announced that Gru, reformed supervillain star of the $4.4-billion Despicable Me franchise, will be joining either Fortnite or Call of Duty as a playable character, but cannot confirm which at this time.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to combine our flagship Illumination IP with one of the biggest brands in gaming today,” said Universal Pictures spokesperson Michelle Mansfield before rifling through loose files on her desk. “And I would love to tell you all about that brand once I find the licensing paperwork.”

As of the release of 2022’s Minions: The Rise of Gru, the five-film franchise remains the highest-grossing in animation history, edging out the six-film Shrek franchise from fellow Universal subsidiary, DreamWorks Animation.

“It’s a natural fit,” said Illumination in a press release this morning. “Gru wouldn’t be the world-renowned mad genius he is without his signature arsenal, including such fan favorites as the Jelly Gun, Inflation Gun, and Fart Gun. Now Minions everywhere can step into his Gucci boots and carry on the Gru legacy with a sniper rifle of indeterminate realism.”

Sources within the studio requested anonymity, but couldn’t fully explain why. Most recalled seeing concept art around the office depicting the character wielding an FN SCAR-L Mk2 assault rifle with a wry smile, but weapons resembling that particular model appear in both the Fortnite and Call of Duty franchises. Questions as to the validity of the art were met with a common refrain, summarized in a comment from a tired-looking character modeler: “Buddy, we’ve rendered a lot of Grus.”

After another hour of desktop shuffling and several terse phone calls, Mansfield said the character was “probably” headed to the more cartoonish Fortnite franchise.

Since its launch in 2017, the free-to-play online game has accrued an active player base of 250 million players monthly and over $20 billion in revenue. One of the chief forces behind that success is the brand’s willingness to collaborate with known quantities in pop culture, often available as character skins for in-game currency known as “V-Bucks.” These range from household names (Spider-Man, Boba Fett, John Cena) to properties with a distinctly adult appeal (Family Guy, Creed III, Martin Luther King, Jr.). But that doesn’t rule out the possibility that Gru answered the Call of Duty.

The military first-person-shooter series, no slouch as the fourth best-selling video game franchise of all time, has shared many of the same crossovers with the competition. Both multiplayer mammoths have included playable characters from Evil Dead, Dune, and The Walking Dead among others. When reached for comment, the unnamed PR representative who answered the phone at publisher Activision Blizzard said, “Sorry, we got a lot going on right now,” before hanging up.

Fortnite publisher and developer Epic Games kept similarly mum on the possibility, with CEO Tim Sweeney only volunteering, “Sure, I’d buy that.”

Mansfield did recall that the unspecified deal was timed to coincide with the July 3rd release of Despicable Me 4. “So all gamers should keep, um, refreshing their games this summer and Gru might just show up where you least expect him. Will. He will show up.”

No word yet on whether he will be joined by downloadable Minions or banana-themed cosmetics.

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