Brandonpogrob, Author at Hard Drive

Geoff Keighley Celebrates Pride by Following Corporate Mandate to Ignore It

Posted on June 6, 2025 by Matt Fresh

LOS ANGELES — Summer Game Fest producer and Archduke of Advertisements Geoff Keighley will be making a special effort to celebrate Pride Month this year by following his corporate mandate to completely ignore it.

“I love gaming, particularly the revenue it brings me when I hawk my wares at the common folk,” said Keighley while readjusting his skin during a livestream to prove he’s a real human. “The LGBTQ+ community makes up a huge portion of our audience and I appreciate that but they are not more important to me than the almighty dollar. Nothing is. So when the executives at the big corporations that pay my bills tell me not to acknowledge them, then that’s what I’m going to do without hesitation. If they want me to support them so badly I’m sure they know how to write a check.”

An executive at one of the gaming corporations spoke to us on Keighley’s Pride Month plans under the cover of anonymity.

“Look if that patsy wants to wish anyone a happy Pride or acknowledge gay people in any way, we’re not gonna give him access to any of our commercials and we won’t be paying him to talk about our products,” the executive said while ferociously shredding financial documents. “In previous years, it’s been okay for us to give out token acknowledgements, add a rainbow emblem into our games, change our social media profile picture, that kind of meaningless stuff that makes for good PR but we don’t actually have to support a cause. But these days, with this administration, no way. That’ll hurt our bottom line. Bigots are still paying customers. Keighley is a good dog and he’ll do as he’s told.”

Keighley defended himself from calls that he should use his platform to shine a light on marginalized members of the gaming community.

“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I shouldn’t be expected to risk my big pay day just to use my platform to do good. You guys are already marginalized, I don’t need my bank account to be marginalized as well,” Keighley exclaimed while practicing various human-like facial expressions. “The only thing I have pride in is how many ads I can cram into one show. Do you see this batarang behind me that makes me relatable to your species? That was paid for by Baja Blast bitch!”

At press time, Keighley has stated he believes that the only real love is between a man and his friend Hideo Kojima.

Elon Musk Quits Government Job to Focus on Improving Animal Crossing Village

Posted on June 5, 2025 by Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk is ending his government work to focus on improving his village in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Musk confirmed his distancing from President Trump as well as his latest endeavor, during a Twitch stream earlier this week.

“Wait, you don’t have enough bells for the house right away,” Musk said to a Twitch chat full of bots and chuds. “This is unrealistic. I should have enough bells to buy this whole stupid island. Who only has one-thousand bells? Why is Tom Nook approving this loan? He’s never going to see the rest of those bells. He’s not even giving me a deadline to pay or get out. Also, why has he employed these little raccoons? Look at all this waste. I bet if he would let me, I could cut down his costs. I could start a department. Call it the Department of Nook’s Goods. I’d run it, for a small bell fee of course.”

The next hour of the stream featured Musk trying and failing in almost every aspect of the game, including a 20-minute attempt to shake apples off of a tree. After wandering about the island for another 40-minutes, Musk finally relocated Nook’s shop.

“There’s no option to gut the inner workings of the store,” Musk said out loud, not realizing that he had accidentally switched to his web-cam only scene on OBS. “Can I fire the little raccoons? Wait, why are they offering me 100 bells for these apples? Fucking morons. If they want to overpay for apples, I have no problem indulging that. I’ll just sucker some villagers into picking all the apples for me. Once I’ve sold them all, I’ll buy the island and Nook will answer to me.”

The stream took a turn for the worst when Musk realized his plan would not work. His eyes grew heavy as he slowly realized villagers would not work for him and he would be forced to pick all the apples himself.

“This is not fun at all,” Musk said as he tossed his controller across the private jet and began to dig through a stack of games. “Why won’t anyone do anything I tell them to do? I say ‘pick apples’ you pick the fucking apples and thank me for letting you do that. I can’t play this game. I need a game where those below me serve my every command. Where the poors aren’t afraid to die for me. There’s got to be something in this stack of games that plays to my every whim.”

At press time, Musk had switched to Pikmin and was finding joy in throwing red pikmin into large bodies of water.

Opinion: But Kevin’s Mom Bought Him a Switch 2!

Posted on June 5, 2025 by Ben Friedman

I have seen much injustice in my short lifetime, but it feels like more than ever we are being screwed over left and right by the powers that be. We are at a pivotal moment in history, where our actions (and more importantly, our inactions) will have a detrimental effect on our livelihoods.

That’s why I stand before you, mother, and implore you to stand on the right side of history because it’s absolute bullshit that you won’t buy me a Switch 2 even after telling you Kevin’s mom bought him one.

This is abject cruelty! Kevin had worse grades than me and he was suspended for pantsing the principal at the pep rally, yet his mom still looked past that and got him one. You know what kind of parent does that? A cool one. And right now you are giving major loser energy which is going to become hereditary if that dipshit is playing Mario Kart World before I am.

OH MY GOD MOM THE SWITCH AND SWITCH 2 ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Did you even watch the Nintendo Direct from March? I sent you the video six times. I’m starting to think you’re completely out of touch with what’s going on. In just a few hours I’m going to be sitting on old tech while Kevin is going to be streaming Cyberpunk 2077 from his bedroom because he’s also allowed to play mature games. Yes, I know that it’s $500 but I have no concept of money and last time I checked being able to buy me stuff was your problem.

I didn’t want to be that kid but you’ve forced my hand. I spoke to grandma yesterday and she told me a very interesting story about how you broke her balls over getting you a Wii because Sarah Kensington down the street had one. So the fact you won’t help me level the playing field against Kevin is wildy hypocritical. How does it feel to become the very thing you hated?

Listen, I’m going to be more than fair here and let you make this my birthday and Christmas present if that’s what it takes. Your negligence is going to drive all the neighborhood kids going to Kevin’s house and I’ll end up a social outcast. Plus his mom lets his friends drink!

Do the right thing. You know you want to play Donkey Kong Bananza too.

Leader of the Free World Becomes Leader of the Premium+ World

Posted on June 4, 2025 by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Recent proceedings in the United States’ government have led the current administration to reclassify President Donald Trump from ‘Leader of the Free World’ to ‘Leader of the Premium+ World,’ our sources confirm.

“The President has been very clear, if you want something from us, you’ve gotta pay for it,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during her daily barrage of perfectly reasonable questioning. “If Ukraine wants peace they’re gonna have to sign over their precious metals, and perhaps a few major cities, that’s just how it’s gonna go down, don’t expect a hand out.”

The President’s new tariff policy has set a precedent to the rest of the world’s nations that the USA is done with negotiation and reason, and the only thing that will sway this administration is cold hard cash.

“The days of importing oil, vehicles, and computer hardware are over!” said Vice President JD Vance from the kid’s table. “The only thing we want coming into our country are burlap sacks with dollar signs on them, and the only thing we expect to export are Venmo requests and invoices for all the great content we supply to the world.”

During a recent flight on Air Force One, President Trump debuted his new ‘Trump Gold Card,’ a pay to win method for elite immigrants wanting to migrate into the burning wasteland that is the USA.

“It’s a great deal! $5 million for this beautiful piece of plastic, it’s so shiny I can see my gorgeous reflection in it,” said the President in between turbulence bumps and the pilot’s plea to fasten seatbelts. “Act now and I’ll throw in a free season of the upcoming USA Battle Pass, which includes a draft dodge bonus and a free play token to any Atlantic City Trump casino.”

The economy’s reaction to these bold diplomatic decisions has been less than enthusiastic – shrinking for the first time since the Covid-19 pandemic. American’s have been warned to expect empty shelves, rising prices, and new paywalls on features that used to be free.

At press time, the President has flirted with the idea of letting criminals and insane asylum escapees into the country if they have an impressive net worth.

Ranking Every Plush I Own By How Much I Regret Its Purchase

Posted on June 4, 2025 by Stephen Bell

Am I someone who has a lot of shame? Does the Pope shit in the woods? The answer is, not unless he’s camping. Still, as for me no I am not someone with a lot of shame. But I do occasionally feel regret because something doesn’t go my way or I feel as if I’ve wasted my money. That’s why I felt it was a good use of my time to rank all of the plush toys I own by how much I regret their purchase.

5. Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth

I have no regrets over purchasing these two plushies. Phoenix and Edgeworth are wonderful foils for each other and the Ace Attorney series is something that every gamer should experience in their life. My only question is, who keep positioning Edgeworth in a compromising position behind Phoenix? It’s weird because I live alone so I don’t know how it happens, and I wouldn’t have guessed that Phoenix would be the bottom. Great plushies though.

4. Morty Smith

Here’s where I start to feel some regret. Not a lot, but some. Ricky and Morty I will maintain is a great show. It’s funny, acerbic, and well animated. You might think that my embarrassment stems from being associated with its toxic fanbase, however, that is not the case. I’m personally very toxic and I was definitely throwing a fit at McDonald’s when I didn’t get my goddamn Szechuan sauce I ordered. I enjoy being the problem. No, I just regret that it’s got a voice chip with Justin Roiland’s voice and it randomly screams during the night.

3. Richard Nixon

I originally thought it was kind of kitschy and cool to have a plushy of Richard Nixon. Except it’s a total boner killer any time I’m trying to pleasure myself and I see a long nosed dick staring me in the face grinning. And what if I did ever get a girl to come home with me? That plush certainly won’t be bringing any water to her gates if you know what I mean. Not a great purchase. Might need to get a Gerald Ford plushy to pardon me for this decision.

2. Pikachu

I’m not embarrassed to have a Pikachu plushy. I regretted buying it because I found a note stuffed inside from the imprisoned Uyghur person in China who made it crying for help. I mean I know there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism but this is especially unethical. Still, those slaves sure know how to make a high quality plush!

1. Kanye Graduation Bear

There’s many reasons to regret this purchase. I mean Kanye is a manipulative, narcissistic, sociopathic abuser who constantly spews antisemitic garbage, but it goes deeper than that. My biggest regret is that when I bought it in 2010 I put a cowboy hat on the plush and called it “Kanye Diddy” as a play on Conway Twitty and Diddy. Like I’m pretty sure I’m on a watchlist now just for owning this thing and honestly I think I deserve to be.

Habeas Corpus and Other Incantations Hidden in the U.S. Constitution

Posted on June 3, 2025 by Garry Kerls

Unbeknownst to the god-fearing, wooden toothed authors of the Constitution, the Latin influenced verbiage of the American bible is littered with curses and spells from ancient times. If this black magic falls into the wrong hands, chaos will reign—so naturally, here is an internet list of all the incantations hidden in the Constitution.

Habeas Corpus

While some Directors of Homeland Security falsely believe habeas corpus is the Presidential right to deport anyone he wants, the Latin phrases true origin dates back the the necromancers of old. Huddled around a shallow grave, witches and wizards would chant “Habeas Corpus” in an attempt to reanimate the corpses of their beloved kings and queens.

Enumeration

With a flick of the wrist and twist on a wand, “Enumeration” will multiply anything you want. Whether it be stone cold murderers, or escaped insane asylum maniacs, there’s gotta be some explanation how they keep upping the number of illegal immigrants.

Concurrence

One of the longest used incantations in modern politics, “Concurrence” is a spell that veils one’s words in mundane nomenclature that will make the eyes of any undecided voter glaze over. Perfect for filibusters and town halls.

Ex Post Facto

Fake News wouldn’t exist without “Ex Post Facto.” Trump and his entire Cabinet mutter this spell under their breath anytime they speak in public. “Ex Post Facto” can make any bullshitter sound like the most confident person on earth.

Quorum

A judicial incantation, this type of magic only works with a precise bang of the gavel.

Adjournment

This fantastical bit of magic allows elected Representatives to recess from Congress several times a year while having that session of Congress stay open, sometimes for months.

Pro Tempore

Also known asPro Tempura, is less a magic spell and more a skill. Occurring when lobbyists treat lawmakers to high-end sushi and Japanese cuisine, while planting seeds of misinformation about their global conglomerate’s ecological footprint.

Emolument

This old magic is a medieval spell of annulment, when kings and queens would invalidate their holy bond to bang whomever they choose without the judging wrath of God sending them to hell. Donald Trump and Melania have a similar agreement.

Veto

I bet you didn’t know the almighty power wielded by the President was rooted in sorcery.

Erazure

Kids today call this ‘disappearing,’ Erasure is a curse cast upon ICE agents that allows them to kidnap anyone they choose into unmarked vehicles.

Bear Arms

Misinterpreted to firearms, the right to Bear Arms originated in a Arthurian legend where Merlin grants Knights of the Round Table literal arms of a bear to defend Camelot.

Intoxicating Liquors

Witchcraft and wizardry goes far beyond spells and charms, Intoxicating Liquids include magic potions, the only liquid that stayed banned after the repeal of Prohibition in 1933.

Yeas And Nays

Legend says, when the seats of a bipartisan House are equal, the Yeas and Nays are the most magical words that can come out of a Representatives mouth.

Erection Of Forts

A spell of immediate shelter, this enchanting hex has an arousing side effect. Larry David revealed this was the inspiration for the iconic Curb joke–The Pants Tent.

Craig Mazin Doesn’t Believe Ms. Pac-Man Capable of Eating Hostile Ghosts

Posted on June 3, 2025 by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — Hot off his work on Borderlands and the latest season of HBO’s The Last of Us, writer-director, Craig Mazin, has been tapped to pen a film adaptation of the arcade classic, Ms. Pac-Man. Mazin, who recently promised he was done with game adaptations, backtracked on that promise days later, after Bandai Namco offered him a duffle bag filled with cash to bring gaming’s first heroine to the big screen. Mazin confirmed the hiring on this week’s Scriptnotes while also discussing some of his concerns with adapting the game.

“In the game, Ms. Pac-Man eats Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue in rapid succession,” Mazin said before reminding everyone that he wrote Identity Thief for some reason. “For a movie, this would be near impossible from a character standpoint. Blinky, who we recently cast Jason Momoa to play, is 6’4”. There’s no physical way Ms. Pac-Man could take him down, along with the other ghosts back-to-back, especially after eating all the food and pellets on the board.”

Pondering over the source material, Mazin continued to list off changes he would need to consider while working on the adaptation.

“The ghosts are set up as the bad guys, but when Ms. Pac-Man eats the power pellet, they run in fear,” Mazin said before breaking into a semi-related anecdote to namedrop a famous friend. “I want to explore that dynamic. Everyone’s a hero in their own story. I want to follow Blinky and see why they’re so afraid of Ms. Pac-Man and why the power pellet makes them edible.”

There has not been much backlash to the announcement, since most gamers who were around for the original release of Ms. Pac-Man in 1982 have died. But gamers will be gamers, and a vocal minority has taken to various corners of the web to complain about the upcoming adaptation.

“Mazin is totally going to ruin this. I’ll still watch it, but I’m not going to enjoy it,” wrote Twitter user @PAC4LYFE.

“I’m easy to please, and this news does not please me,” wrote @EatMyAssMsPacMan.

“Honestly, he could make the greatest movie ever and I’d still find a way to be mad,” said @JustAnHonestJerk.

At press time Mazin speculated that he may need an additional film to do Ms. Pac-Man justice.

Boss’s Slack Profile Picture Goku

Posted on June 2, 2025 by Cameron Snow

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Sources confirmed Monday that Chad Cassidy, the executive responsible for all hiring, firing, and salary decisions at local software firm EV Solutions, has used a low-res PNG of Goku as his Slack profile picture for seven years.

“He laid off fourteen people last week and the message came directly adjacent to a still of Super Saiyan 3 Goku with lightning coming out of his hair,” said former senior developer Amy Splechter, adding that the small circular image of the Dragon Ball Z protagonist’s third-tier transformation hovered a fraction of an inch from a bulleted list of names being let go effective immediately. “It’s hard to process losing your livelihood while making eye contact with an anime character.”

Remote employee Jon Jennings spoke about the dynamic created by Cassidy’s decision to represent himself exclusively through the warrior formerly known as Kakarot.

“I’ve never actually seen my boss’s face. For all I know, he is Goku,” said product designer Jon Jennings, explaining that the avatar of the Saiyan’s intensely focused battle stare is the singular facial point of reference associated with Cassidy on all platforms across the company. “And honestly I’d rather work for Goku than some schmuck in khakis.”

Cassidy responded to questions about the image during a routine company meeting.

“It was probably the only picture I had on my laptop at the time. I haven’t really thought about it until now,” explained Cassidy, noting that he hasn’t gotten around to changing it yet and “didn’t realize anyone gave a shit”. “I figured people know I’m not Goku. Does this really matter?”

At press time, Cassidy updated his profile picture to a smiling selfie with his dog, prompting the company’s entire staff to resign.

No, Your Neopets Aren’t Dead—They’re Simply Suspended in the Electronic Bardo Between Life and Death for All of Eternity

Posted on June 2, 2025 by Michael Roets, Jr.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — New research has cast doubt on the long-held assumption about what happens to the millions of Neopets whose owners meet a romantic partner, begin working and paying taxes, or simply get bored.

“A Neopet cannot die, at least not in the traditional sense,” said Jeffery Quinn, professor of metaphysics at Harvard University. “As beings who exist only when observed by their owners in the digital ether, an abandoned Neopet is neither dead nor alive, but rather permanently suspended in a sort of limbo between these two states of being. They simply cease to be.”

Malcolm Branson was an avid Neopets player until he stumbled onto a picture of boobs on the internet in ninth grade and lost interest in the virtual pet site.

“Yeah, I saw a boob and thought, man, what am I doing on Neopets, so I kinda just lost interest,” said Branson. “Since then, I’ve wondered what happened to my first Neopet. He was a Darigan Draik named Dragondragon61892. I always thought that he probably died, so I was relieved when Dr. Quinn said that Neopets can’t die. But that stuff about being suspended in the bardo between life and death for all of eternity seems kind of messed up.”

Quinn’s thesis was not without controversy.

“It’s really too soon to be making these kinds of proclamations,” said Linda Conrad, a neuroscientist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “I’m currently on a team that’s studying the processes the brain goes through as it dies, and it seems much more likely to me that an abandoned Neopet actually experiences an eternal dream in which they are forced to relive the confines of their experience over and over until the heat-death of the universe. That may seem a minor, semantic difference from Dr. Quinn’s findings, but we’re talking about the ontological status of digital beings. This is an ongoing debate.”

At press time, Branson wondered aloud whether Neopets might prefer being dead after being locked out of his account for failing to guess his password five times in a row.

Jordan Peterson Breaks Down in Tears After Great Owl Asks “Did You Get All That?”

Posted on May 31, 2025 by Johnny Amizich

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Renowned intellectual and brave culture warrior Dr. Jordan Peterson began sobbing uncontrollably when confronted by the question, “Did you get all that?” by the Great Owl during a recent trip to Lake Hylia.

Dr. Peterson took to social media to defend his tearful response to the seemingly benign question.

“I’ve heard it said that this so-called ‘Great Owl’ is the reincarnation of the ancient Sage Rauru,” Dr. Peterson said. “But I’ll say this much: if he is who they say he is, then the standard of what qualifies one as a Sage in Hyrule explains why we are a culture in decay. Young Hyrulian men deserve a better guardian than this dagger-browed strigiform. I’ll not contract myself to some Faustian bargain with a bird of prey in exchange for telling me what any damn fool could see. I could see the castle on the horizon, why do I need this loquacious fiend to give instruction then have the gall, the absolute nerve to ask if I had ‘got all that’. Yes, I bloody got all that. Do you take me to be such a simpleton as to not be able to follow basic instruction? The coddling of the Hyrulian mind will in the end prove a much stronger threat than whatever performative hysterics the left comes up with about Ganondorf, who is a man in the truest sense of the word.”

Kaepora Gaebora, also known as The Great Owl, said he meant no offense to the unsettled doctor.

“I offer guidance to all would-be heroes traveling Hyrule,” Gaebora said. “When I saw Dr. Peterson approached with his head down and muttering to himself I thought he was just another adventurer who could use a gentle push in the right direction. I never, in my thousands of years of existence, ever encountered someone who reacted so viscerally to a simple question. His entire self-serious demeanor disintegrated the instant he interpreted what I was saying as some kind of insult to his intelligence. I’ve seen Like Likes with stronger backbones. Did you get all that?”

Dr. Peterson uploaded a video in response to Gaebora’s side of the story, appearing visibly shaken with tears streaming down his cheeks.

“And what would you know about backbones, eh?” Dr. Peterson asked between heaving sobs, “I weep for the young men of Hyrule when this is their example of leadership. That is who these tears are for. You are nothing more than a talking sign post with wings. And the direction you are telling us to go is directly toward oblivion and the ruination of Hyrulian culture. This is why you see more and more young men looking to Ganondorf; he offers solutions and not just warm platitudes and asinine lines of questioning. Go to Hell.”

At press time Dr. Peterson was undergoing an experimental procedure at the Lakeside Laboratory to treat his crippling blue potion addiction.