Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, in which you can often come so close to losing a long streak, and so for your convenience, here are some hints as well as today’s Wordle answer Jan 4.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way to the bottom to the section titled Wordle Answer Today.
An adjective that describes something that is limited, insufficient, or barely enough in quantity, degree, or extent.
Fifth Letter Hint For The Wordle Answer Today
The fifth letter for today’s Wordle answer is:
“T”
Fourth Letter Hint For The Wordle Answer Today
The fourth letter for today’s Wordle answer is:
“N”
Third Letter Hint For The Wordle Answer Today
The third letter for today’s Wordle answer is:
“A”
Second Letter Hint For The Wordle Answer Today
The second letter for today’s Wordle answer is:
“C”
First Letter Hint For The Wordle Answer Today
The first letter for today’s Wordle answer is:
“S”
Wordle Answer Today
And finally, here is today’s Wordle answer in the New York Times. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 188 days straight! So here goes nothing:
GREEN HILL ZONE – Sonic the Hedgehog held a press conference at Green Hill Zone to address an incident involving a player that occurred the week prior.
The player in question, Marcus Waterman (29) was playing Sonic with friends, when suddenly he went into anaphylactic shock. As his friends were attempting to save Marcus, Sonic was seen on screen tapping his foot, checking his watch, and impatiently gesturing toward the screen in a passive aggressive manner. Sonic continued with these animations until Marcus returned from the hospital hours later and turned off the console.
The press conference was held Thursday, with Sonic joined on stage by his partner Amy Rose and his attorney Big the Cat. Sonic read from a prepared statement, “I would like to start by apologizing to Marcus, a temporary lapse in judgment caused me to appear as if I became impatient towards you as your throat began to close from anaphylaxis. I believe myself to be a man of faith and my actions looked like I was not following teachings of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.”
After several minutes of contextless cherry-picked bible quotes, Sonic turned attention to his fans. “I understand some of you are upset and I am sorry that you feel that way. In an attempt to make it up to you, a percentage of all profits from Sonic™ merchandise will go to my newly formed charity Sonic’s Heroes.”
The Sonic’s Heroes website states that the for-profit charity was formed to “do important research into why Epipen prices are so high in the United States.” Sonic seemed optimistic the newly formed charity would make an impact down the road, “By working directly with our corporate partner Pfizer, we believe we can get to the bottom of why Epipen prices are several hundred dollars higher in the US than other countries.”
Sonic then appeared to attempt to go off script, “To be completely frank for a moment, I don’t know why this is one hundred percent my fault. He is the one that ate something he was allergic to.” His microphone was quickly cut before he could continue and his management team announced the end of the press conference.
Sonic was the only person to speak at the press conference with Amy Rose seemingly there for moral support, while Big the Cat was clearly there to slap the ukulele Amy Rose kept trying to play during the apology out of her hands. Hard Drive reached out to Marcus for comment and he declined due to pending litigation.
We were able to learn that the cause of the incident was a chili dog which we believe Sonic may have compelled Marcus to eat, thus making him potentially culpable.
You’ve been invited to a party of a friend of a friend and you’re worried you might not have anything to talk about. Or maybe you need something to break the ice with new people. Hard Drive has got you covered with these video game facts! Your mileage may vary.
The Origins of the Konami Code
You arrive at the party and notice someone wearing a novelty shirt with the famous “Konami Code” for all to see. You take this opportunity to break the ice.
“Did you know that the Konami Code, sometimes called the Contra Code, actually first appeared in the NES release of the game Gradius? The code was added to the home release of the game because it was found to be too hard during testing.”
You get a half-interested “oh, cool,” response before your fellow party guest informs you they don’t play video games all that much and just thought the shirt looked cool.
Early Model PS1s Are Considered One of the Best CD Players Ever Made
The party starts to get going and you notice some people trying to get a bluetooth speaker connected to their phones. You spot this as the perfect time for your next opener.
“Did you know that the first PS1 systems are considered to be one of the best CD players ever made? Since they have individual analogue audio ports, the first generation of PS1 systems can produce audio that could only be matched by other CD players costing thousands of dollars at the time.”
Right as you wrap up telling this fact, the bluetooth speaker connects, music starts blasting, and your fun fact gets drowned out.
Blowing into a Video Game Cartridge Can Damage It
The party has been going for a while and you’ve been bouncing between groups, pretending to participate in their conversations. Suddenly, the host of the party emerges from a side room with a saving grace in their hand: A box labeled “N64.” You notice them pull out a cartridge, and before it is too late, you blurt out.
“Did you know blowing into a video game cartridge can actually damage it? The moisture from your breath can cause damage to the pin connectors over time. The idea that blowing into a cartridge works is mostly anecdotal.”
You get a confused look from the host, who hasn’t gotten a chance to meet you yet.
The Manual for Super Mario Kart Encourages You to Look at Other Player’s Screen
The cartridge you attempted to save happens to be Mario Kart 64. Your time to shine. You put on a clinic and execute perfectly. After you win, you get accused of looking at your opponents screen. Time to save face.
“Did you know that in the original Super Mario Kart manual, it actually encourages you to look at other player’s screens? It actually says ‘keep an eye on your opponent’s screen’ in the manual.”
The attempt doesn’t work and everyone decides to play a different game.
The Original NBA Jam is Rigged Against the Bulls
Another classic game is selected, this time it’s NBA Jam. You decide to sit this one out, but you notice the two people playing have selected the Bulls and the Pistons. You try to resist saying your next fact, but can’t help it.
“Did you know that NBA Jam is rigged against the Bulls? The creator, Mark Turmell, was a Pistons fan, so he programmed a bias against the Bulls when they played the Pistons. If the game is close, the Bulls will always miss last-second shots.”
The only response you get is a slight nod from the person who selected the Bulls as they switch to the Nicks.
The Dev Team on Dead Space Looked at Pictures of Car Crash Victims when creating the Necromorphs
Your video game facts haven’t really been a success at the party, so you decide to take them in another direction and hit the group with some shock value.
“Did you know the dev team on Dead Space used pictures of car crash victims and scenes of war as reference when creating the Necromorphs? The team did this because they didn’t want the dead bodies in the game to look unrealistic.”
The room goes silent.
The First Shot From An Enemy in Bioshock Will Always Miss
The party is winding down and all eyes are on you. It’s time to recover with one final video game fact.
“Did you know that the first shot from an enemy in Bioshock will always miss? The game was intentionally designed this way to give players a chance to dodge initial attacks from enemies.”
The room remains silent until a single voice breaks through. “Oh, I never knew that. That’s really cool!” Unknown to you, this group of people are huge Bioshock fans. Your awkwardness has been forgotten and your reputation has been saved.
ROCKVILLE, Md. — Employees of Bethesda Game Studios witnessed long-time game director Todd Howard personally responding to every negative review of Starfield, linking the game’s “Most Innovative Gameplay” win at the Steam Awards Tuesday evening.
“I was about to leave for the day when I noticed the soft glow of a monitor coming from Todd’s office,” said Starfield developer Erin Brown. “I thought it was odd that someone might still be in, especially Todd, but then I remembered that Steam announced their game awards this evening and my stomach dropped.
“I was shocked to find out that we won an award for innovative gameplay, but Todd really seemed to be spurred by this news — aroused, even.”
One of Bethesda’s custodial staff, Ed Thompson, witnessed the unusual activity firsthand, having walked in on Howard with his hands moving furiously across an old light-up gaming keyboard.
“I knew Starfield won an award as soon as I walked in — he just started raving at me about ‘losers, deniers, sinners, and fools,’ or something like that with his eyes all bloodshot. I was just trying to get at the wastebasket under his desk since it was filled with way more candy wrappers than usual.
“Mostly I was surprised that Starfield won anything at all, since it was competing with other AAA games that came out this year. Plus, Todd once ate a sandwich with my name on it in the breakroom, muttering ‘This is what they asked for’ over and over. Who does that?”
Howard’s executive assistant, John Paige, offered input on the situation, speaking loudly over the sound of frantic keystrokes coming from Howard’s executive suite.
“He’s been like this forever, really,” said Paige. “I’m sure he’s just overseeing further Starfield development and strategizing our next big release — you know Mr. Howard used to be on the chess team, right? This is nothing you won’t see from any other successful game director. Just ask Phil Spencer, who has been great to work with! Anyway, look over there! A new teaser for the next Elder Scrolls game!”
Disappointed Starfield players were surprised to find that just a single impassioned user had left responses to all of their negative reviews, referring to the somewhat well-known but mostly novel Steam Awards listings.
“I got a notification that someone had just responded to my review of Starfield,” said gamer Tom Slattery, “but what I didn’t expect was that Todd Howard himself would respond to my article personally. I’m touched, frankly, but why couldn’t he have responded to my Skryim review? I loved that game.
“All I said about Starfield was that it was somewhat boring — not a bad game, but not a great game, you know? Like it’s a solid 7 out of 10, with room for improvement. I didn’t expect Todd to berate me and my family above a link to a Google Street View of my house. He also added a link to the ‘Most Innovative Gameplay’ award on Steam, which I suppose could mean something to someone.”
At the time of publication, Howard was reportedly seen red-faced and clenching his jaw, painting the words “I GOT THE LAST LAUGH” on his street-facing office windows.
It is with great honor that I humbly accept the Labor of Love Award for this article!
I worked extraordinarily hard on it and to be recognized for my work is just incredible!
This article is really my life’s work in a way. Every article I’ve ever written for Hard Drive was preparing me for this one. That the voters chose this article for this award really means the world to me.
There’s so many people I want to thank. First of all I want to thank my parents, they’ve never believed in me or my dream to be funny for money but they put up with me anyway. Perhaps now they will be proud.
I also want to thank all the various other Matts who write for Hard Drive for forcing me to really bring my A game to get noticed by our overlords.
Most importantly I want to thank Tom Cruise for inspiring me to always give 110% in everything I do. I know you’re reading this Tom and I hope you know I love you and your movies. Now that I’m an award winner I hope you’ll consider me to write your next project.
To everyone who voted for this article just know that I wrote it for you. You are the spark that gives way to my flame, you are the wings beneath my wind, you are the light on the dark side of me. To everyone who voted for something stupid like Red Dead Redemption 2 I hope you know that I’m not mad, just disappointed.
I pledge to continue writing articles just like this one. Not because I have to but because I want the continued admiration that this Labor of Love Award has granted me. Thank you gamers and thank you reformed orthodox rabbi Bill Clinton!
MONTREAL – Users of the Animus, the groundbreaking machine made by Abstergo Industries that lets one see into genealogical memories, have recently been reporting visions sourced from colorful mascots rather than their ancestors.
“I was experiencing life as an assassin in 16th century Italy, and suddenly I woke up in McDonaldsland,” recounted Scott Miller, a frustrated Animus user. “I was stuck staring at a plate of Chicken McNuggets for nearly an hour, and everytime I tried to look away I would get desynchronized.
“Who are they trying to fool by telling me that Grimace was one of my ancestors?,” continued Miller. “I got so fed up with the whole thing that I tried to kill the Hamburglar just to feel something. If they don’t fix this, my future children will use their Animus to relive me getting a refund.”
The backlash against commercials in customers’ consciousness has spurred a response from Melanie Lemay, who currently serves as Chief Creative Officer at Abstergo.
“We were taking a leap of faith into personalized sponsors but didn’t quite stick the landing,” read a statement from Lemay. “The data on memories was accidentally mixed up with what products our users are genetically predisposed to enjoy.
“While these ads may feel like being stabbed out of nowhere, we do recommend that anyone upset go out and eat a delicious Big Mac. If anyone using the Animus experienced any advertisements for heart disease pills, they should likely heed that as soon as possible.”
Abraham Berger, a templar who lived over three hundred years ago, had a lot to say via the Animus in between visions of delicious eats.
“Their existence is the bane of our goals, and we’ve been working for centuries to extinguish them for good,” declared the templar. ”I could not tell you how many of my friends they’ve killed in our quest for a new world order.
“Always hiding in those forsaken bushes, carrying their blades,” Berger continued until we explained that we were talking about advertisements and not assassins. ”My apologies, I can’t say I know what an advertisement is.”
Amidst the backlash, Abstergo has promised that it will work on removing these advertisements from future synchronizations. Though it seems that not everyone has been displeased with the new memories. One such customer who has been using the animus quite a lot since the update had this to say:
“Seeing the memories of the world through your ancestors eyes is just like a delicious bowl of Frosted Flakes, they’re Grrrrrrrreat!”
New York, N.Y.– Criterion has announced they are finally bringing a long awaited Cursed VHS Tape to modern media formats. This comes as great news to all the demons and cursed souls who worked on it.
“We’re so happy to be able to give this such a wide release,” black-eyed criterion representative John Stein said, “It was a herculean task finding the original prints, but I think viewers will notice the incredible upgrade.
“Of course, we lost around 20 employees while we were doing the transfer, and a few more keep complaining about how they keep seeing the face of Lucifer every time they close their eyes, but that’s the price you pay for restoring cinema.”
The demonic director of the film, Karblox The Devourer, is glad more people can see their hard work after all this time.
“You know, it was just all the rage back in the day,” Karblox said, “That creepy girl from The Ring was doing it, Slender Man was really into it, so I figured it was good enough for me. It was really fun to put together, I remember directing all of the damned souls I trapped in the magnetic tape like it was yesterday.
“I’m glad that people are still interested in my old work, with people now-a-days you gotta go through all these hoops with complicated CGI and casting big stars. You’ll never have the freedom we had back then to cast no-name rakshasas in big budget brainwashing tapes.”
Fans of old cinema as well as weak minded fools all over the world are excited to finally see the footage in 4k resolution.
“I’ve had this thing on my watchlist forever,” Gil Ableson said, “But do you know how hard it is to find one of the original tapes? I’ve spent hours in my local forest and come back with nothing but mosquito bites and a cool stick I found.
“Now that it’s coming to Blu-Ray, I’ll finally be able to curse myself and die a horrific death! Now that’s what every true cinefile pines for! I just hope I’m able to write a funny Letterboxd review before I die.”
The Hard Drive’s resident film critic’s review of the film will be released as soon as we figure out how to extract his soul from the disc.
Well well well, aren’t you a curious one? Today we journey into the forgotten realms with a different sort of goal than slaying a dragon or exploring a dungeon – well maybe a certain kind of dungeon if you know what I mean? Today we determine which level 1 spells are the most titillating. Now before we begin let me answer a few questions you might have:
Why not start with cantrips? Well that’s because the sexiest cantrip is obviously Sword Burst, and Vicious Mockery is not far behind if that’s what you’re into. Also there’s just more to sink our teeth into in level 1.
Why only 50 spells? Because there are currently over 70 level 1 spells in Fifth Edition and no one wants to read about how Expeditious Retreat is sexy– it’s not sexy, consent is sexy.
What spells didn’t make the cut? Not to get into all of them but any sort of armor is out. Armor of Agathys? I’m trying to get you outta that armor baby not add more.
So without further ado, gather ‘round, my horny adventurers, and let me teach you what I know in the ways of the most seductive of magics.
50: Sleep
Now while some of you may think this is too low on the list, unfortunately there’s nothing inherently sexy about sleep. While it often implies sex has occurred, such as when you say “I slept with that fair maiden with the large breasts,” or “Why won’t that beautiful dwarf sleep with me?” it doesn’t conjure up imaginative thoughts of the act. One must be awake to make love.
49: Animal Friendship
Now I don’t want to be a prude, but frankly, I don’t find laying down with animals to be my cup of tea. I also don’t judge and I understand some people may be into that sort of thing so I have included it on the list.
48: Charm Person
Now this one is interesting. Being charmed by a person can often lead to sex however I think the very clinical way the two words are put together kind of kills the mood for me.
47: Bane
Bane is defined as a cause of great distress or annoyance, and that’s not ideally what we’re looking for in the bedroom– though I know some people may be looking for a brat in the bedroom, and that sort of thing could turn you on. Or perhaps you’re just really into roleplaying as the Batman villain– as I’ve said before, we don’t judge here.
46: Create or Destroy Water
So the problem here is that this sounds like the least sexy way one could get their partner ‘wet,’ as it were. Or completely turn them off if you’re destroying it! You don’t want to hear your partner say “Yeah baby, are you creating water for me?” Yuck. Disgusting. Moving on.
45: Grease
Now don’t get me wrong here, moisture or lubrication of sorts are generally our friend in the bedroom. I just don’t think the word grease really works quite so well to arouse us. We are moving in the right direction though.
44: Witch Bolt
The word bolt I think is pretty sexy, but the word witch maybe not so much. It really just makes me think of old hags with gross faces who are not to be trusted. Not every witch is bringing the raw sexual energy you get from Nichole Kidman in Practical Magic– remember The Wicked Witch of the West? If she gets wet she melts, not what you want in the throws of lovemaking.
43: Silvery Barbs
Silvery is doing a lot of the work here, barbs however are not. Barbs are spikey and generally not what you want near your erogenous zones. That being said, the intended meaning of the phrase refers to a hurtful remark which some might find a little arousing. A little degradation can spice up the bedroom in some cases.
42: Searing Smite
Ooooh! Now we’re getting somewhere. This makes one think of a thrust from a lover, searing hot with passion. Truly a sultry spell, one that can really turn you on if you ponder its implication for too long.
41: Sanctuary
A sanctuary can be really sexy. Imagine a safe space where just you and your lover are sheltered and cared for, perfectly free to explore each other’s body, soul, and mind. This one is good for someone who isn’t turned on by danger, but instead comfort.
40: Inflict Wounds
Speaking of danger, oh boy! This one isn’t for the faint of heart, but rather for those who seek more adventurous and risky lovemaking. Whether you’re a pain slut or a sadist, Inflict Wounds has a lot of appeal for those into pain. However, it remains here at forty because not everyone may be so inclined to partake.
39: Ice Knife
Similar to Inflict Wounds, we have a spell here for those possibly into precarious play. Though this one may also just appeal to those into a little bit of temperature play. Sometimes you may want to add a bit of sheer cold to your warm bodies meeting in that special way.
38: Illusory Script
Now this one is interesting because on its own, illusory just refers to something that isn’t real, but when you add script to it, suddenly there’s another element. It’s giving sort of “love note” vibes, or even conjures an idea of magical sexting.
37: Heroism
In the words of Enrique Iglesias, “I can be your hero baby.” Need I say more? We all want someone to be our hero. What’s sexier than someone taking care of you and kissing away the pain, as it were?
36: Healing Word
Picking up right where we left off on the last one, sometimes after a long day you just want your partner to make you feel a little better. Sometimes you just want to hear a healing word from them– it can be that simple. As we’ve discovered a few times here, being cared for can be quite sexy.
35: Detect Magic
Sometimes what’s sexy is just understanding your partner. Figuring out their wants, their needs– their magic, perhaps? Now, you may be thinking I’m reading into this too much, but actually no, I’m not. You have to view these things abstractly sometimes to really understand them.
34: Goodberry
Now what is the clitoris if not a good berry of sorts? Or even the prostate? Need I say more?
33: Chaos Bolt
Oh yeah, sex isn’t always structured and easy to understand. Sometimes it’s just pure chaos baby, and what’s better than a bolt of pure sexual chaos? If you disagree, perhaps you need to spice things up yourself, like the Joker: you need to become an agent of chaos, and then fuck. Do you know what I mean?
32: Cause Fear
Now here we have another one that’s not for everyone, but hey, maybe you’re into fear? Perhaps you like to be a little scared of your lover? Or maybe you like to inspire it in those you lay with. Sometimes the size of one’s endowment can cause fear, and there’s nothing wrong with that either.
31: Catapult
A catapult can be very arousing. Think of its strong wooden presence, its magnificent size. Really a catapult contains many of the attributes some people look for in a lover. Don’t underestimate the raw sexual energy of the catapult.
30: Detect Good and Evil
Have you been a good girl? Have you been a bad boy? Not only do these questions contain a sensual use of alliteration, they can also make our hearts flutter and blood rush to certain erogenous parts of our bodies. Also, I would not behold these terms any “gender” as it were. I think any human being would feel a little something if they were referred to as a “good girl.” Don’t believe me? Try calling your cis male boyfriend a good girl and tell me he doesn’t blush a little.
29: Snare
There can be something very sexy about feeling snared or trapped by your lover, or even literally trapped. Of course we are talking about a safe way here friends. You don’t want to feel unsafe once you’re naked, covered in oil, and locked in a cage. I know this may sound a little too kinky for some of you and that’s okay, but either way, make sure to communicate, kids.
28: Comprehend Languages
Do you like to talk dirty? Well then I think this one really speaks for itself. I believe it was the great poet Jason Derulo who once said: “I’ve been around the world, don’t speak the language, but your booty don’t need explaining.” And while that’s true–your booty does not need to be explained–if your French lover asks you to get a little adventurous with their back passage, and you don’t know the French word for bussy, you may be in trouble.
27: Bless
Sometimes a sexual act can feel like a divine act, and wouldn’t we all want to be blessed by our partner as it were? Why do we say “bless you” when someone sneezes, instead of when our partner gives a leg-shaking orgasm? Think about that.
26: Color Spray
Now I feel like I don’t need to get too into the weeds with this one. I mean, you got the word spray right there. You modify spray with certain colors and it can take on a very sexual meaning.
25: Distort Value
Are you into degradation? You want your partner to break you down a bit before they build you back up (sexually speaking of course)? Or maybe you think less of yourself and want your partner to praise, worship, and overvalue you in this context. Perhaps you’ll find yourself distorting your partner’s value in one way or another later tonight.
24: Identify
Say my name, say my name. Destiny’s Child knew what was up in 1999 and they still do now. Identify is about more than just knowing your partner’s name: it’s about learning from sharing your bodies with one another. Knowing your partner in the most intimate way is a beautiful thing.
23: Cure Wounds
Not all wounds are physical– some can affect you on the inside. When your partner can cure those things that ail you, they become even more attractive do they not? When you come home from a long day of dealing with that bitch Deborah, and your partner starts kissing you all over, is that care, that attentiveness, not sexy as hell? Sometimes it’s sexy to just listen, too. Remember that.
22: Burning Hands
Ooh okay, we’re back on maybe a little temperature play here. Or perhaps a little impact play? A bit of hard spanking on your voluptuous ass can feel like burning hands. This one really can make your imagination run wild, which is why it comes in a little higher on the list.
21: Chromatic Orb
Chromatic Orb? What could that be? Some sort of pleasure toy to be inserted into various orifices? Could one call their breasts or their testicles chromatic orbs? Or perhaps we’ve discovered another extremely sexy nickname for the clitorus? Why don’t you tell me in the comments for a change? 😉
20: Absorb Elements
Don’t we all want our partner to absorb our elements? Don’t think about this one too hard, just feel it. Like you feel your partner’s elements enter you when you lay together and make beautiful love.
19: Divine Favor
See, this is like Bless but on a deeper level. Imagine giving your partner a passionate orgasm as a sort of divine favor, let it empower you or perhaps honor them. Maybe you view the joy of sex with them as a sort of divine favor. As Hozier says, “Take me to church”.
18: Fog Cloud
Look I feel like this is one I don’t have to over-explain to you. You want it hot, you want it steamy. What fits that description better than a fog cloud?
17: Unseen Servant
Oh yeah baby, this is a good one. Picture yourself blindfolded on your bed, your partner just going to work to please you fully and completely, like an unseen servant. If you aren’t already turned on I don’t even know why you’re still reading this list.
16: Disguise Self
Roleplay, anyone? Perhaps you wanna be a naughty nurse for your partner, or a strong, sweaty firefighter. Maybe you’ve tried it, maybe not, but disguising oneself can really spice things up for you and your partner, and we all deserve a little spice.
15: Arms of Hadar
Now this is the first one where I’m really going to invoke the context of the spell. You see, Arms of Hadar makes black tendrils emerge from the body of the caster. Soooo….. Ya know? Long black tendrils? Do I need to spell it for you little pervs?
14: Compelled Duel
What is sex if not a compelled duel of sorts between you and your partner? A sensual duel where you’re both the winner. You lock eyes and you’re immediately compelled to duel with your bodies until you’re both satisfied in that special way.
13: Find Familiar
We’ve talked a lot about ways to spice things up here, but perhaps a third party? Have you tried finding a familiar in a joint sexual conquest with your partner? Maybe you should give it a try, or maybe your partner is super not into that and will be very mad that you brought it up. Either way, it’s a pretty sexy idea, wouldn’t ya say?
12: Magic Missile
This may be the most straightforward one on the list. Magic Missile. Penis. You can use them interchangeably. If your partner has a penis and you call it a Magic Missile, your partner will hit that Goodberry every time, just like a Magic Missile.
11: Beast Bond
Shakespeare once called making love the beast with two backs, and I think that’s pretty hot. What’s hotter though? Beast Bond. When you make love, you’re bonding with that beautiful beast that is your partner. Together you bond into one beast, except unlike Othello there’s no tragedy here. Just two people getting it on, all nasty.
10: Hunter’s Mark
Leading off the top ten we have Hunter’s Mark, and frankly I’m already turned on just thinking about it. You, the hunter; your partner, the prey. You mark them, perhaps through some sort of roleplay, or literally with bodily fluids. Either way you got yourself a pretty titillating situation on your hands.
9: Guiding Bolt
Oooh boy! Guiding bolt? You kidding me? Is it hot in here or is it just Guiding Bolt? You could think of your partner coming at you with passion in their eyes as a Guiding Bolt, or perhaps your trouser snake is one. Either way, I think we can all agree we are getting to the creme of the crop here.
8: Ceremony
Sometimes you really want to set the scene, make a special evening out of it. Think about getting down with your partner not just as sex, but as a ceremony. We’re not gonna fuck, we’re gonna make love in a beautiful, sacred way. If you think about it this way, you may just unlock a new, more special sexual experience with your lover.
7: Earth Tremor
We’re kicking it up a notch. Have you ever felt the earth move upon achieving an orgasm? If so, I’m very jealous. This is what you want to strive for, when the act of sex gets to a whole other level. When you and your partner join together in such an impactful and fervent way that it feels like the earth itself tremors.
6: Entangle
This is when you’re so close to your partner it feels like their arms and perhaps their legs are all around you, and maybe they are? Moving all over your body, making you feel good in every possible place. Does that not do it for you? If you’re looking for a kinkier interpretation, maybe you’d like to be all tied up. Entangled more literally and at the mercy of your partner.
5. Dissonant Whispers
We’re taking dirty talk to a whole new level. There’s a reason Comprehend Languages is 28, and here we are at 5 with Dissonant Whispers. Sure, dissonant refers to things that lack harmony or are unusual, but so is the act of making love. When you’re in that incredible moment with your partner and you don’t know what to say, you just whisper in their ears whatever dissonant things may come to mind. There’s nothing wrong with that. Think about something unexpected a partner has whispered in your ear that aroused you, and then maybe share it in the comments if it’s not the most nasty dirty filthy thing you’ve ever heard. Or maybe do anyways, we’re all having fun here.
4: Longstrider
Just say it. Longstrider. You’re a little turned on now aren’t you? Have you ever referred to your partner as Longstrider? Or called yourself that? Give it a try, why not, life is short! You know what’s not? LONGSTRIDER. Fuck, it’s just so much fun to say! I don’t know if I’m gonna make it through the top 3.
3: Command
Oh yeah, Command me daddy! Tell me what to do, boss me around, make me your bitch! Whoa sorry about that folks! But come on, in all seriousness, I think a lot of us love when our partner takes charge in the bedroom. Or perhaps you exude that dominant energy that makes your partner swoon. A command can be extremely sexy both given and taken, and if you haven’t introduced a little bit of dom/sub play in your love life, you should give it a try.
2: Thunderous Smite
Oh fuck yeah! This list is starting to feel like edging now. Next time you’re lying with your partner and begin having passionate intense sex, and you’re about to have an explosive orgasm, just tell them to give you a Thunderous Smite. You will not regret it. I may take this time to reference another song, Crazy Town’s Butterfly, “I make your legs shake you make me go crazy.” That’s what comes to mind when I think of a Thunderous Smite. Just an insane leg-shaking, headboard-shattering orgasm.
1: Ensnaring Strike
Here we are, the sexiest sounding level 1 spell. I think it’s appropriate that this one builds on themes of earlier spells on this list. Because sex is not just one act or one arousing suggestion. It’s a beautiful combination, and it’s different for everyone. We’ve talked a lot about being trapped or tied up physically, being at your lover’s mercy while they pleasure you. About just being cared for or wrapped up on a deeper, more metaphorical level. I think Ensnaring Strike fills both those roles. Of course it’s not just about the ensnaring, it’s also about the strike. Lovemaking often consists of many strikes, whether that be penetration of some kind or the impact of a partner’s warm hand or a paddle with some filthy yet charming words carved into it. Whatever meaning you have for it, you’re already thinking of it now, and you’re already feeling it in your loins. Ensnaring Strike just hits different, and if it does hit, you must make a strength saving throw or be restrained by magical vines until the spell ends.
Well, that’s it. The 50 sexiest level 1 spells. If you’d like me to do this again for level 2 spells then make sure you share this list with all your dungeon daddies and the horniest bards you know. Feel free to comment with your favorites or tell me I was wrong and how you’re mad Tasha’s Hideous Laughter didn’t make the list. (Even though you’d be dumb to think so, I mean come on it has hideous in the name.)
This city has a problem. A masked menace who thinks he can just run roughshod over anyone he deems as lesser than the other citizens just because of some crimes being committed. Everyone seems to love him though, no one listens to the most sensible person in all of New York, J. Jonah Jameson. If they did, maybe my friends wouldn’t be out of commission.
I’m of course talking about Spider-Man. He swings around like he owns the place, covering the city in the sticky white goo he shoots out. It’s disgusting, I’m sick of him and I’m gonna defeat him.
You might be thinking that there’s no way I could possibly do that, and I can see why you might think that. Sure, Spider-Man has been able to defeat supervillains like that old guy with the wings, eight-legged George Costanza, the big black goo, Avi Arad, and Killer Croc, but they didn’t have the determination I do.
Time and time again I’ve had to witness my friends put in the hospital by this freak. We’re not hurting anybody, we aren’t blowing up buildings or infecting the city with a plague. We might steal some jewels or sell some drugs, but we’re just trying to make a living in this messed up economy. I just want to be able to afford a carton of eggs and pay child support to the six estranged kids I have. But this guy has to always come along and beat the tar out of us.
Five Finger Frankie is in a coma since Spider-Man spun him around in the air and slammed him head first. Two Ball Saul is about to become One Ball Saul since Spider-Man whipped that mailbox at him. It’s inhumane, it’s superhero brutality.
Unlike all those superpowered villains, it’s personal for me. That’s how I know I can defeat him.
I don’t need any powers to do it either, just my own naturally obtained muscles and my good friend Floyd the baseball bat. I know I can wear him down, he can’t dodge all of my attacks if I just keep swinging non-stop. Good old Floyd will protect me against his attacks and when he least expects it, I’ll start wailing on him. I don’t need powers and I don’t need a gang to do it, I have the lord on my side.
When I defeat him I’ll be a hero to all the downtrodden. They’ll look up to me and this will be my city. I’ll even give everyone health insurance like Mr. Fisk gave to us before that masked menace put him behind bars.
GOLDENROD CITY — As our cerulean planet completes yet another long journey around the sun, reports have begun pouring in from across the Johto region that an up and coming Pokémon trainer, 12-year-old Anton, appears to be the only one to follow through on his New Year’s resolution to spend more time at the gym.
“No one becomes a Pokémon Master overnight; we all have to start somewhere. It’s all about committing, knowing your limitations, and then stepping out of your comfort zone to push beyond those limits,” said Anton, showing off his collection of Gym Badges.
“I started out training at Violet Gym, just nice and slow. Now I’ve got all the way up to my Fog Badge and I’m still looking ahead! You just have to remember no one’s gonna be taking on the Elite Four right off the bat. It’s all about finding what works best for you and your Pokémon.”
In light of Anton’s recent gains, more lackadaisical trainers from across the region were high on defense. One older trainer, Delroy of Olivine City, was on the quick attack with excuses.
“Yeah yeah, I fell off going to the gym, but I’ve got a lot going on, it’s hard to find time to battle,” said Delroy, multiple Garbadors waddling around his living room.
“Look, I’ve got a couple badges under my belt, I just took a short break after Whitney at Goldenrod Gym kept bringing out that stupid Milktank of hers. It’s just too exhausting. So what if I’m a bit of a Snorlax? One of these days I’ll vine whip myself into shape, but those gyms are full of Gurdurr Heads and I just can’t stand them. You know those guys are all PP Maxing anyway.”
The use of vitamins in the Johto Gym scene remains somewhat of an open secret according to Anton, who claims neither he nor his accountability partner, Bruno of the Elite Four, had ever utilized the performance enhancers. While we could not reach Bruno for comment, we were able to speak with his Machamp, who set the record straight.
While Anton continues to remain a success story for those yearning to fulfill their resolutions this year, not everyone was quite as optimistic. We spoke with Poké Mart cashier Niles about his resolutions.
“I mean, I used to have goals like Anton,” said Niles, stacking a box of Great Balls on the shelf.
“I thought one day everyone around town would know my name, but even frequent visitors to the Poké Mart tend to forget I exist. Honestly I never even really started my Pokémon Journey. I tried, but my Piplup and I never really clicked.
“When you’re young like Anton, you have all these aspirations; you wanna be the very best like no one ever was, but that’s just not possible for the majority of us. We can’t go to the gyms all the time. By the time I get off work I feel like Tangela; Mega Drained. So I guess I left all that behind. I stopped making resolutions a while ago, now I’m just surviving day to day, what’s there to live for? I’ve amounted to nothing… Gengar used Dream Eater and it’s super effective…”
At press time, Anton was seen waking up before dawn to take his Pokémon for a walk.
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