Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

HBO Announces Loop Hero Show That Will Be 400 Episodes Long

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Following the success of The Last of Us, HBO has announced its newest video game adaptation, a 400-episode season of Loop Hero.

“We’re excited to bring more faithful video game adaptations to our network,” said Casey Bloys, chairman and CEO of HBO Max. “And we’re really excited about bringing you a surprisingly engaging show that features nothing but a hero walking in the same circle repeatedly with minor changes along the way. Infinite variations on the same loop. It’s really not that different from how they used to make sitcoms when you think about it.”

The game features a hero character walking in a circular loop and allows players to dictate where and when different terrain and enemies are encountered, granting more experience and skills with each successive lap they complete. Production on the show is already underway.

“This thing’s really coming together,” said showrunner and co-creator Jonathan Nolan, who previously brought Westworld to HBO. “We got Adam Driver as the hero, and we only had to build the one set, so we’re going to bring these 400 episodes in way under budget, which gives us hope that we can start talking about a second season in a couple years when season one is all done airing. If you think episode three of The Last of Us was special, wait ‘til you see episode 292 of Loop Hero. Mark my words.”

Fans of the game are intrigued since hearing about the upcoming series.

“Wow, that sounds, uh, interesting,” said Halle Berman, a local gamer. “I mean, I loved the game, and I like a lot of the stuff HBO puts out, but it seems like a weird fit. Plus, and I don’t mean to be an ungrateful fan here, but 400 episodes feels like kind of a lot. I’m just not sure I can make that kind of commitment right now. I like a show you can knock out over the weekend once it’s done, not one that would take two and a half weeks of continuous watching!”

“Although realistically if it’s anything like the game, I’ll sit down to check out one episode and end up watching the next 80 or 90 before I even realize it.”

As of press time, HBO announced that the debut season of Loop Hero will air on Wednesday nights from this Fall until 2032, beginning with a two-episode premiere event on October 18th.

This is sponsored by Devolver Digital! If you wanna catch up on all the lore you’ll need to know for HBO’s hit new Loop Hero show, you should check out the game on Steam.

Deadly Mission Impossible Stunt Has Tom Cruise Stand Next to 5’9” Woman on Camera

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Camden Brazile

IVER, England — While filming Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One, Tom Cruise reportedly performed one of his deadliest stunts to date: appearing on camera with a 5’9” woman.

“Initially, when Chris [McQuarrie] posed this stunt to me, I was like ‘no way. Not gonna happen. Too risky, even for me.’ But after some persuading, I began training for it,” Cruise said. “I spent four months of preliminary preparation just standing on boxes next to the woman we would be using in the scene, gradually lowering the height over the box as I got used to the height difference. It’s crazy how much work goes into something like this; I’ve never come close to doing something so wild in a movie. What a picture!”

Director Christopher McQuarrie said the stunt was incredibly compelling to film.

“Everyone on the cast and crew just stared, slack-jawed at him standing directly next to an above average woman,” McQuarrie said. “We all couldn’t believe he was pulling it off, even though he had practiced it so many times. It’s like watching someone defy gravity. He’s so teeny! It’s the high-octane moments like these that make being a filmmaker so rewarding. Afterwards, I rushed up to Tom, put him in my pocket, and we walked off set together.”

The woman Cruise reportedly braved being filmed next to said she respected the actor’s commitment to the craft.

“It’s incredible to watch him work, just standing next to me pretending to be confident and normal, but you know deep down he’s terrified,” said actress Jasmine Peck. “He’s always willing to push boundaries, whether it’s actually flying an F-18 plane, being dangled from the Burj Khalifa, or standing next to a woman slightly taller than him. We made sure he was never actually in any danger, though. I’m only 5’4” but we used CGI to make me appear five inches taller.”

At press time, gossip from the set alleged that the stunt was even more dangerous than initially reported, with anonymous crew members reporting the woman would be wearing heels in the scene.

Penn Badgley Puts His Controller Down During ‘Witcher 3’ Sex Scene Out of Respect for His Wife

Posted on February 12, 2023 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Penn Badgley reportedly dropped his controller on the coffee table during a sex scene between Geralt of Rivia and Syanna in Witcher 3, as he felt holding the controller would be harmful to his marriage.

“Sure, having sex with Syanna seemed like something Geralt would do as a character. And yes, she’s hot as hell, no question,” said Badgley, who also turned down all sex scenes in the upcoming season of the Netflix series You. “But after a long discussion with my wife, we decided that I should take no part in the act personally. It just doesn’t feel consistent with our vows.”

Some critics have claimed his decision is childish, noting that Badgley engaged in previous sex scenes in Witcher 3 by keeping the controller in his hands, or on his lap. The actor pushed back against these comments.

“I know what people are saying. ‘It’s not real sex! It’s a fantasy! Why is it a problem all of a sudden?’ But it’s still a violation, feeling the cold plastic handles of an Xbox controller on my fingertips. It’s basically the same as literally dicking Syanna down myself,” said Badgley before picking the controller back up and immediately murdering a random stranger on the road. “I just had a moment where I thought, ‘Enough.’ Video games are real life and in real life, I’m married.”

Others praised his decision, saying it was about time someone pushed for decency in entertainment.

“This man is single-handedly restoring my faith in gamers as chaste, moral individuals,” wrote Tumblr user and avid You fan EuphoriaGal09. “Finally somebody is standing up against the sexualization of video game characters. Syanna is a former princess, ruthless bandit leader, and victim of a mysterious curse brought on by a solar eclipse — why must she also have sex? And why do we need to see it? Maybe she and Gerlat could talk about their hobbies instead. Just an idea.”

Badgley has also sworn off all games featuring Sonic, as the character is simply “too smokin’ hot.”

New MCU Trailer Teases Potential Death of Cinema

Posted on February 11, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios released the final trailer for the upcoming film Ant-Man & The Wasp: Quantumania, in which eagle-eyed viewers noticed that the trailer clearly hints at the potential death of cinema

“If you really analyze the trailer, with the longing looks from characters and what we know about the MCU so far, this one is finally going to kill off cinema once and for all,” said YouTube commenter Andy Freely. “Frankly, I’m surprised cinema has held on this long, but from what we know about the script there’s not way it survives this one. It’s not unearned, though, I feel like they’ve been building to the death of cinema for the last ten movies.”

While he wouldn’t reveal specifics, Paul Rudd’s press tour for the film seemed to confirm the fan theory.

“I don’t want to give anything away, but when I read the script, I cried after seeing what happened to the movie industry as a whole,” Rudd told reporters Sunday. “It’s tough to see something you love so much come to an end, but cinema has run its course, and the Marvel universe has to continue on without it. I love cinema as much as the next person, but don’t go into Ant-Man 3 expecting movies as an artform to make it out unscathed. Sorry Marty!”

Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige said the death has been a long time in the making.

“I’m glad we can finally pay off something we’ve been teasing since the first slate of Marvel movies,” Feige said. “It’s been so hard to keep it a secret for this amount of time, but every fan who predicted that the artform cinema would die sooner or later in the Marvel films was absolutely correct. We hid it as long as we could, but we’ve been trying to kill off cinema since 2008.”

At press time, sources reported that the trailer also contained hidden Easter Eggs hinting that the movie would not be very good.

YouTube Channel Supplements Income by Selling Ugliest T-Shirt You’ve Ever Seen

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — YouTuber David Patterson, better known by his online moniker SuperVGMan64, just announced his first ever merch drop for his channel, planning to supplement his income with the ugliest T-shirt you’ve ever seen in your life.

“I’m a bit new to designing merch, but I decided that I didn’t need to hire a designer, use a professional tool, or even ask a single living soul for notes before bulk-ordering 11,000 of them,” Patterson announced on his channel Saturday. “I’m sure they’ll do well, I mean we just passed over six HUNDRED subscribers! That’s insane! So be sure to get them while they’re hot, because who knows when I’ll restock. Also, be sure to order soon because I’m packaging and shipping them out personally on my own, so you probably won’t receive it until next year.”

SuperVGMan’s fanbase has mixed opinions about purchasing the shirt.

“Look, I want to support the guy, but Jesus Christ,” said fan James Crichton. “I’d rather just donate him the money than have this thin, flaky screen-printed T-shirt clog up my dresser. I know I’ll never have the confidence to wear it as anything but a sleep shirt, but I’m worried that if I don’t buy one, he’ll keep trying. I’m fucked either way.”

Patterson went on to elaborate on the thought process behind the shirt’s design.

“I wanted to keep it simple, and clean for my first design, so it’s a low-res photo of my gawking face blown up incredibly large,” Patterson said. “Then it has obnoxious neon colors spelling out a very niche and out-of-context reference to my channel. Don’t worry fans, I made sure that anyone reading it would be completely befuddled unless they have intimate knowledge of my content. For anyone who wants to buy more than one, I made sure to print the shirt in the standard mucus green AND bright yellow.”

At press time, Patterson had also teased his next upcoming merch drop, a flimsy Gildan hoodie on sale for $90.

DEAL ALERT: Your Uncle With a ‘Sopranos’ Pinball Machine Has Been Rushed to the Hospital

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Camden Brazile

CALLING ALL GAMERS! A huge, once-in-a-lifetime deal has just come across our desk. That’s right, gamers, everyone loves the iconic mob drama series The Sopranos, and everyone obviously loves a retro game of classic pinball, so why not spring for a mint-condition Sopranos pinball machine? Too expensive? Worry not! Your mom’s wealthy single brother, Uncle Brian, has just been rushed to the hospital, and nobody will be fighting over his pinball machine in the will if he croaks!

Act fast, gamers. Uncle Brian apparently collapsed on his heated kitchen floor this morning when a sudden cardiac arrest stopped his heart for over two full minutes! If you can drop everything and run to the hospital in his time of need, you can likely drop hints that you’re a giant Sopranos fan before the plaque polluting his heart permanently stops blood flow throughout his body forever.

Go to Uncle Brian, hold his hand, and casually mention how much you love the throwback vibe of arcade cabinets and pinball machines, because the doctor has informed your family that he has anywhere between minutes and days left before shuffling off this mortal coil never to score a special Edie Falco multiball again.

This deal won’t last forever, gamers. Everyone in the family knows that your cousin Matthew spent a lot of time with Brian after his first heart attack, and that craven bitch was clearly just cooking and cleaning for him to get his greasy, grubby mitts all over your, sorry, Uncle Brian’s fully-restored 2005 pinball machine with original bumpers and flippers.

He probably wants you to have it. I mean, he didn’t say those exact words, but come on, who else deserves it more than you? In fact, he probably wants you to have it right now. Sooner rather than later. What’s the point of inheriting a pinball machine if you’re too old to enjoy it? Also, he’s probably suffering. The nurse said he’s on the mend, able to go home tomorrow, but what does she know? Do the merciful thing, gamers. Take his pillow and put him out of his misery. Do it. Do it! Before you doubt yourself! Before the pinball machine slips through your fingers!

Cackling Brendan Fraser Removes Fat Suit and Hair Piece After Long Con for Oscar Pays Off

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — After accepting his academy award for his performance in the 2022 drama The Whale, Brendan Fraser shocked the academy by removing a fat suit and prosthetics showing he had been carefully orchestrating his sympathetic comeback.

“You fools! You actually fell for my ruse!” Fraser said, revealing his glistening 2007-era physique. “My alimony? My weight gain? My career downfall? All pure theater! And every one of you ate it up. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You just wanted to see a down-on-his-luck guy get back up again, but I have been meticulously manufacturing every moment of it to win one of acting’s highest honors. You weren’t going to give it to the square-jawed action hunk, so I had to take matters into my own beautiful, tan hands.”

Fellow Best Actor nominee Austin Butler said that while it seemed unethical, Fraser’s real-life performance was breathtaking.

“I truly believed he was this beaten down sad sack for so long,” Butler said. “His performance in The Whale was pretty good, but to devote years of your life to wearing complicated makeup and hair every day is insane. You have to admire the commitment, though. I remember talking to him before the ceremony, he was so humble and soft spoken, but when I went to congratulate him at the after party he flicked my nose, flexed his giant biceps and walked away. What an actor.”

At press time, sources reported that Fraser had also won the Oscar for best makeup and hairstyling for his standing ovation at the Venice Film Festival.

Guy Who’s Into Three Different Live Service Games Right Now Hasn’t Had Fun in Months

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

BOSTON — A local gamer who has been grinding on three different live service games hasn’t had fun in several months, sources have confirmed.

“Oh Jesus, I have so much to do today,” said local gamer Clark Severson, who recently picked up Marvel Snap, in addition to the other games with resetting daily and weekly goals that he routinely plays. “The season is ending in Snap so I have to do all the challenges before they disappear so I can get the most bonus crates before it all resets. Then I still have to log into Destiny and figure out whatever the fuck is going on over there. Crap. I better use another sick day.”

Friends of Severson concurred that his current slate of live service games don’t seem to be bringing him any joy.

“We all get online to play Warzone most nights,” said friend Dave Hall. “But lately he seems like he’s barely there. We’re all cracking jokes and talking shit, but he’s just complaining about this new card game he’s playing. Then he’s always stressing out about hitting the daily requirements, and how he’s only got a few hours before he has to log onto something else. I don’t know what to tell you man, maybe you need to unplug from some of this shit. Does he not realize that more games with more chores to do all the time doesn’t equate to more fun?”

The gaming industry is sadly trending in this direction, despite the lack of consumer demand for more live service games.

“No one asked for this, and we didn’t listen,” said Martin Sanborn, a spokesperson for EA, publishers of such abandoned live service games as Apex Legends Mobile, Anthem, and Knockout City. “From a business perspective, you have to see why selling a copy of a game is good, and selling a battle pass for ten bucks a month every month for several years is great, right? It’s just better business. And from a gaming perspective… well, gee, you got me there. From a gaming perspective…I guess this all must be …well, it must be a lot of fun. I’m sure of it. No more questions, please.”

As of press time, Severson’s friends had grown concerned after making cryptic and disturbing threats that he was going to check out League of Legends.

DDR Machine Only Thing in Entire Mall Making Money

Posted on February 9, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

CANTON, Ohio — A Dance Dance Revolution machine in the arcade is the only part of a local mall generating a profit according to a recently released finance report, sources have confirmed.

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” said JJ McDonald, who works in the mall at a cell phone accessory kiosk that hasn’t had a customer since the Christmas season ended. “Yesterday I helped a plumber that was here find a bathroom. That was exciting. I walked all the way down there with him, just to have something to do. It’s weird in here though, man. As far as I can tell, this place is mostly a free fitness center for the local elderly to come walk laps in every morning. And none of them need phone chargers, I can tell you that much.”

The owner of the arcade was happy to hear he was in possession of the sole profitable element of the entire shopping mall.

“Wow, I knew that dancing game was popular,” said Len Coleman, owner of the Star Hits Arcade that’s operated since 1986. “But I had no idea it was the only single component of this entire mall that was making any kind of money. Not the Sbarro? Not the Radio Shack? None of the six department stores? Gosh, things sure have changed around here.”

The owner of the Point Palace Mall says that this information has forced him to reconsider the future direction of the longstanding shopping center.

“I’m not sure we can go on like this,” said Richard Varner, shortly after the financial report was released. “The mall operates at a net loss most days lately, but the weekly Friday night DDR revenue and the subsequent food court traffic it generates are keeping the lights on. For now. It might not be too much longer that we just knock it all down and put a little shed around the DDR machine sell off the rest of the land, you know? Maybe put up a snack machine and an outhouse or something. That’d probably be a better setup than this huge dead ass mall.”

As of press time, the Dance Dance Revolution machine was temporarily out of order, causing all 38 mall employees to be sent home early.

Nintendo Direct Roundup: February 8, 2023

Posted on February 9, 2023 by Michael Katz

February is Nintendo Direct season, at least according to the theorists who relentlessly track Nintendo announcements like they’re decoding signals from space. This time, they’re right: announced on the 7th and premiering on the 8th, this one came as something of a surprise.

Nintendo is in a strange place at the moment. Their only major release with an actual date is Tears of the Kingdom, coming out May 12 – three months from now. Will they try to extend the lifespan of the Switch, or are they going to shift towards a new console? Let’s find out: here’s the Hard Drive Nintendo Direct Roundup.

It opens with Pikmin 4. I wasn’t expecting that! Pikmin tends to be a sideliner for Nintendo, not an opening act. The trailer shows off a new look for the series, including a fleshier Onion, a creepier Dweevil, and some baby Snagrets (this all makes sense to series fans, trust me). It also includes new powers such as Ice Pikmin and A Dog, both of which are depicted conquering the Pikmin’s greatest foe: water. Releases July 21.

Xenoblade Chronicles 3 Expansion Pass Volume 3. It’s a new hero: Mashi the lapidarist, and if you watch the Direct you get to hear two different pronunciations for “lapidarist”. She can make jewelry and probably fight. Also includes some extra challenges. This bit ended with a teaser for Volume 4, which was some anime folks yelling at each other. Volume 3 releases February 15.

Samba de Amigo: Party Central. Now that’s a rare franchise. Originally an arcade rhythm game from 1999, this one didn’t get many ports or sequels compared to other SEGA titles. I suppose the maraca-based gameplay matches the Switch’s joycons pretty well, but I bet some shattered TVs are in the near future. Releasing Summer 2023.

Fashion Dreamer. “Got a passion for fashion?” asks the announcer. Boy, do I. This game is about putting together fashionable outfits, publicizing your brand, and “becoming an influencer”. So, a horror game. It may be easy to make fun of, but I honestly do appreciate gaming experiences that explore unusual directions – even if those directions ask you to like and subscribe. Releasing Summer 2023.

Dead Cells: Return to Castlevania. This isn’t new – it was revealed at the Game Awards – but it was still nice to hear some tasteful arrangements of vampire slaying music. Releases March 6th.

TRON: Identity. It’s been a while since we heard about Tron. The announcer calls it a “narrative puzzle adventure”, which I think translates to “visual novel”. Hopefully it’ll let you play the light cycle game at least once. Releases in April.

Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective. An HD remaster of one of the best stories ever told in gaming. It starts out interesting, gets more intense every single chapter, builds to dizzying heights, and ends in an unbelievable conclusion that fuses all the fragments of plot into a glorious finale. Unfortunately it also looks like a shitty phone game. Hopefully people will actually play the damn thing. Releases Summer 2023.

Deca Police. Appears to be a neon, anime-flavored RPG with detective elements. Takes place in a virtual world for training law enforcement, like Cop City but with fewer murdered protesters. Releases 2023.

Bayonetta Origins: Cereza and the Lost Demon. This unusual take on Bayonetta was also revealed during the Game Awards, but we’re seeing some new details here. Notably, Bayonetta herself can’t attack, and is limited to locking down enemies while the demon Cheshire goes wild. The title action star being unable to fight is a tough sell, but since the player controls Cereza and Cheshire both, it could end up feeling like the dual battle system from The World Ends With You, which is also a tough sell. Releases March 17.

Next is the Splatoon section of the February Nintendo Direct. Their first announcement is the long-awaited reveal of the planned Splatoon 3 DLC. The first wave, releasing Spring 2023, allows the player to return to Inkopolis, the hub world from the original game. It’s a very cool feature, but it didn’t sound like it includes any actual gameplay content.

The second wave, called “Side Order”, continues the Splatoon DLC trend of being extremely creepy: there are veins and brain corals going all over the place. At a glance, it’s a campaign of some kind in a world without color, and Pearl and Marina from Splatoon 2 seem to appear in some capacity. The player character here is an Octoling with black tentacles – could this be a Marina prequel story? Splatoon 2 Origins? Interesting, but no release date yet.

Disney Illusion Island. This game feels like Disney looked at Cuphead and said “They’re stealing our bit! We’ll show them!” An animated platformer with 4-player co-op that looks a little like Rayman Origins. Allies can drop ropes from above. Look Mickey, a rope! Releases July 28.

Fire Emblem Engage Expansion Pass. The theme of this game is summoning other Fire Emblem dudes, so the expansion pass naturally includes more dudes. They list Hector, Soren, Camilla, Robin-Chromzooie, and Veronica. Most of these are popular side characters who tend to get pushed aside in crossovers due to not being the main character. At least they’ve made it in as bonus content. Releases today, and includes some extra campaign content.

Harmony: The Fall of Reverie. The rare western visual novel. A “narrative adventure” in which you decide the fate of humanity, which as you might expect requires you to defeat a mega-corporation. Pledge yourself to one of six gods, an act that will certainly incur no consequences at all. Releases June 2023.

Octopath Traveler II. Known, but there’s a demo out now that will carry over to the full game. Releases February 24. The full game, not the demo.

We Love Katamari REROLL + Royal Reverie. If you don’t know Katamari, I’ll explain briefly: roll ball, stick things on, get thrown into space, become star, and never get your father’s approval. This is a remake of the second game in the series, also known as “the good one”. Even better, this release includes “5 new challenges” in which you play as the young King himself as he fails to get his own father’s approval as well. That’s what we call the circle of life. Releases June 2.

Sea of Stars. One of those indie-retro games. This one’s an RPG that knows about timed hits. This isn’t the first time it’s been seen, but now it has a concrete release date: August 29, with a free demo out now.

Omega Strikers. A free-to-play air hockey game for teams of 3. You can push the goalie backwards into their goal, which kills them. Releases April 27. “Pre-orders for this free-to-play game begin today,” says the announcer. Is that really where we’re at, now?

Etrian Odyssey Origins Collection. Super Etrian Odyssey! These were dungeon crawlers for the DS that made players use the system’s lower screen to draw their own maps. I don’t know if the games will feel as good without a lower screen or a stylus, but it’s good for them to survive into the modern era in any form. Releases June 1.

Advance Wars 1+2 Re-Boot Camp. It’s been a whole year since this was delayed indefinitely, but now it’s finally coming out… in two months, on April 21. That’s the whole announcement. They didn’t even show any gameplay. Maybe they’re trying to trick people into buying without realizing it’s about moving little tanks around a grid.

Kirby’s Return to Dream Land Deluxe. A new feature: Magolor Epilogue. A series of platforming stages in which he starts out weak, but gradually restores his powers in a sort of platformer-RPG. It’s a cool concept. A demo for the main game is available now, and the game itself releases on February 24.

Next, an update to Nintendo Switch Online’s slowly-growing collection of ROMs: they got Game Boy games.

Tetris (for some people, that’s enough on its own)
Super Mario Land 2
Metroid 2
Kirby’s Dream Land
Link’s Awakening DX
Alone in the Dark: The New Nightmare (?)
Game & Watch Gallery 3 (??)
GARGOYLE’S QUEST
Wario Land 3

You can play them in their original, eye-searing green, or toggle the Game Boy Color filter. Including Link’s Awakening is a little strange given its Switch remake, but they also mention Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons coming soon, which are the real gems. Also upcoming: Pokemon Trading Card Game. Not listed: actual Pokemon Red and Blue.

This next one’s big: Anyone with the Online+ version gets access to a library of Game Boy Advance games!

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap
Super Mario Bros. 3 (GBA version)
Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga
Mario Kart: Super Circuit
Kuru Kuru Kuruin
WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$

Paying a premium subscription fee for N64 titles is galling, but these are worth a little more. Minish Cap and Superstar Saga together are quite the draw, and many other GBA games are equally high-quality – including the soon-to-be-added Metroid Fusion, Kirby and the Amazing Mirror, and the GBA Fire Emblem. They even teased Golden Sun briefly.

And speaking of old games, which are both better and cheaper than modern games, don’t @ me:

Metroid Prime Remastered. One of the greatest of all time, skillfully translating the sidescrolling Metroid series into full 3D. It got some flak on its original release for its lack of a second control stick for aiming, but the Switch has no such weaknesses – it includes optional controls that let you move and aim at the same time! Out now digitally. Physical version available February 22. Don’t ask about Prime 4.

Master Detective Archives: RAIN CODE. It’s the Danganronpa-like game from the last Direct, but with a couple new details and a release date: June 30.

Baten Kaitos I & II HD Remaster. Pronounced bah-ten, not batin’. This is a cool revival. It’s a hardcore deckbuilding RPG from an age before Slay the Spire. Gaming really did peak in the Gamecube/PS2 era, didn’t it? (Don’t @ me.) Releases Summer 2023.

Fantasy Life i: The Girl Who Steals Time. I guess this is the farming sim of this Direct. Looks like Animal Crossing with a greater emphasis on survival and combat, and the time travel angle reminds me of the future-rebuilding mechanics from the old Dark Cloud series. Could be worth checking out. Releases 2023.

Professor Layton and The New World of Steam. No gameplay. No release window. The reveal trailer is simply the Professor. He is here.

Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Booster Pass Wave 4. Two reveals: a new track based on Yoshi’s Island, and a new playable character, Birdo. Seeing Yoshi’s Island rendered in 3D is surreal, but not unpleasant. I’m more surprised this is the first DLC character they’ve added to Deluxe. You’d think that would be the moneymaker, if Smash is any indication. Add Captain Falcon next! Releases Spring 2023.

One last sizzle reel:

Minecraft Legends (April 18)
Blanc (February 14)
Mega Man Battle Network Legacy Collection (April 14)
Have a Nice Death (March 22)
WBSC eBASEBALL: POWER PROS (Today)
Disney Dreamlight Valley (New Lion King realm in April)
Tales of Symphonia Remastered (February 17)

And finally, the moment everyone was waiting for: an update on the Game Awards’ Most Anticipated Game of the Year, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.

The update is a trailer that includes almost no information at all. The moon is aggressive, the antagonist is voiced, and there are new-ish enemy types, but the bulk of the game remains a complete mystery.

Maybe it’s a good thing that this game’s advertising has been so secretive, since the fun of Breath of the Wild comes from exploration and discovery. But there’s also the risk that its sequel don’t have enough content to justify a new release, since it’s set in the same place – and now, they’re charging more. It’s a 70$ game, as was leaked the night before. Guybrush would never have allowed this.

There was one stand-out piece of gameplay in the new trailer: Link is able to build makeshift vehicles and drive or fly them around. Ladies and gentlemen, they’ve done it: it’s The Legend of Zelda: Nuts & Bolts.

Maybe wait on reviews for this one, just in case.

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