LOS ANGELES — Upon struggling to cast an upsetting weirdo character in an upcoming drama film, Warner Bros. film executives reportedly were aghast after Jared Leto suddenly appeared in a puff of smoke.
“We couldn’t find an actor to play this strange freak character in the script, when suddenly purple smoke started billowing up from the floor and Jared Leto grandly stepped out from the fog, as if he was summoned,” said casting director Jane Frincely. “He posed and gestured in silence, displaying his upsetting physical form before us until we reluctantly agreed he could play the maniacal character we were unable to cast.”
The director of the film Reynolds Lean claimed that he had no choice but to eventually let Leto into the cast.
“I did not want to audition Mr. Leto, as I have been unhappy with past performances and set behavior of his, but he just mysteriously showed up in the room,” Lean said. “I begged and pleaded with the studio not to hire him, after Jared kept somehow appearing on site, lurking on the set despite several people being hired to keep him out, it seemed easier to just let him be in the film.”
Leto later confirmed the alleged story as being true.
“Yes, ‘tis true. Whenever a casting agent needs a thin little oddity I shall be there post haste,” Leto said. “Whether an Oscar bait drama or a cash grab franchise film, I will always show up in whatever movie you’re watching as an ugly, horrible little monster man. Lead role? Supporting? One scene cameo? It matters not to me. I simply need to put on crazy makeup and absurd prosthetics and give the most embarrassing, over-the-top performance you’ve ever laid eyes on. Audiences won’t like it. Critics won’t like it. My fellow castmates will have terrible anecdotes to say about me. But nevertheless, I’ll be there next year with another gross, spindly boy for you to devour.”
At press time, sources reported that Jared Leto had again mysteriously appeared out of thin air when someone announced they were interested in joining a private island sex cult.
Now that The Last of Us season finale has aired, gamers and TV watchers can all agree that the core message of The Last of Us franchise is that mushrooms are evil and make the world a worse place.
In The Last of Us, mutated cordyceps fungi are parasitic infections that make victims violent and aggressive, in a manner very similar to zombies. Every time I accidentally eat a mushroom in a poorly labeled shepherd’s pie, I want to punch a hole in the wall. However, who is to say that we aren’t currently being brainwashed by mushrooms in the real world?
I took a course on TikTok (pathetic, I know) over the summer and the class was merged with people studying fungi on a commune in upstate New York for some reason, and these mushroom people are possessed. They’re roaming the countryside, raiding our trash cans, and scouring mushrooms off the ground to further their evil ends.
And the worst part? Mushroom people inevitably grow their own mushrooms, likely due to fungi-based mental programming which forces them to spread more spores. The mutation that started The Last of Us is already halfway finished.
Apparently Joel had to make a “hard choice” at the end of The Last of Us’ season finale, but I just don’t agree. Joel can either sacrifice Ellie to create a vaccine that will fight off these horrible fungi, or he can subject Ellie to a lifetime of torment where every day she has to deal with legions of cordyceps-ridden abominations. Sounds like an easy choice to me!
If anything, Joel is a hero. Every person he kills is one less poor sap who has to live with the fungal freaks for the rest of their lives.
Listen, I’m going to level with you. I never watched The Last of Us. I never even played The Last of Us video games. My understanding of the plot is exclusively based on secondhand info from online discussions. And I don’t need to play the game, because I already know the moral of the story; mushrooms are disgusting and will cause the downfall of the human race.
AUSTIN — Tesla CEO Elon Musk hopes to take the next model in a radical new direction, demanding his engineers develop a vehicle inspired by the car combat franchise Twisted Metal.
“I think the new models are going to really make people excited,” Musk said about the car, which engineers have reportedly not started work on. “Excited and terrified. You’ve seen how cool the cyber truck is, now imagine if it had flame throwers on the sides. Is Ford making that? I don’t think so. Of course, all of the munitions will be eco-friendly. People already say I’m a clown, but now it’s time to really become one!”
Despite Musk’s enthusiasm, not everyone at Tesla is as confident about the bold new direction.
“Elon told me to put a giant, flaming clown head on the new cyber trucks,” said one engineer, who asked to remain anonymous. “When I asked him why, he said he was a Sweet Tooth main, whatever that means. Then he asked if we could make a car that was just two giant wheels with slots for a man’s arms. So now we’re figuring out how that works.”
Some have raised ethical concerns about the militaristic nature of these changes, particularly given Tesla’s controversial self-driving AI technology.
“We had to teach the AI to play Twisted Metal 2 and the results were terrifying,” a former Tesla AI architect claimed. “The AI no longer saw other cars as traffic. It marked them as enemy combatants and tried to destroy them by any means necessary. The worst part is, the AI was really good at killing people. Way better than it’s ever been at driving. I don’t think humanity will survive if these things are unleashed. We’re all doomed! Doomed!”
When confronted with employee concerns, Elon Musk laughed maniacally and asked to be called Calypso.
ST. LOUIS — Patrons of a local Regal Cinemas reportedly got excited when noticing the movie they were going to see had an epilepsy and gunshot warning, meaning it would likely be sick as Hell.
“There’s flashing lights and firearms in this bitch? This is gonna go so hard,” said moviegoer Eric Robertson. “Don’t tell me, they have some graphic imagery and mature themes? Fuck yes. I’m so pumped. This little taped-up warning says that those with photosensitive epilepsy may be made uncomfortable so you already know this shit is going to pop the fuck off. Now, I don’t have epilepsy as far as I know, so this movie is going to be right up my alley. I feel bad for anyone who can’t enjoy the loud noises and rapid colors that this film is apparently bringing to the table. One ticket please!”
Theater attendees with epilepsy lamented their inability to see such an awesome movie.
“Damn, that movie sounds so cool, the way they’re warning me about its content almost sounds like they’re rubbing it in,” epileptic Ryan Fledgely said. “I didn’t even want to see that movie until they told me that the vascular malformation in my brain can’t handle it. It’s honestly a pretty good advertising campaign for a movie, saying that anyone with a brain tumor would explode if they saw it. I bet it’s so crazy when all the guns and random strobe lights start going off at the same time. Now I’m forced to just see this lame movie that had a ‘mild peril’ warning. Not even above average peril. God damn it. I hope there’s at least some crude humor.”
At press time, sources noted that the film’s cultural stock reportedly skyrocketed further after viewing it sent three children to the hospital.
GARREG MACH MONASTERY — Sources inside the Garreg Mach Monastery’s Officers Academy have confirmed that mercenary-turned-teacher Byleth has not left his bedroom for several days due to what he is calling poor use of action economy.
“I just can’t seem to get out of bed,” said Byleth, who appeared to be staring through the book in his hands. “I must have used my action to read this book before I moved. Or maybe that edible I took counted as healing. Either way, I don’t have any movement left, and it’s all because I’m a worthless moron who is always making stupid mistakes like this. I’m useless. I long for permadeath.”
Some students at the monastery expressed concern for the teacher, saying that they considered him a close friend.
“I really miss him. It’s like he spent so much time and effort building up our relationship and then just vanished,” said Edelgard, leader of the Black Eagles student house. “For weeks, he was showering me with my favorite gifts — carnations, board games, teddy bears wearing suits of armor — you name it, he gave it to me. He even spent hours looking for my favorite white glove after I mentioned I had lost it. After all of that effort to get into my good graces, it’s strange that he’s just holed up in his bedroom all the time. Also, he hasn’t taught any classes all week, which is kind of the reason he’s here in the first place.”
Fellow Officers Academy staff were also worried and confused by Byleth’s sudden reclusiveness.
“The timing couldn’t be worse,” said Seteth, who refused to give his age. “I really need his help with a matter regarding the Western Church on the Rhodos Coast. My, um, sister Flayn is insisting on joining me, and I require a capable fighter to look after her and keep her safe so that I may focus on the battle. I was hoping that Byleth would be able to assist me with this. We have become close recently, and I was going to use this as an opportunity to reveal my deepest, darkest secret. I suppose whatever he is dealing with must be important, as well.”
At press time, a servant reported that, while Byleth had still not moved, he had entered battle with his own inner demons.
Video games have made it easier than ever to quell that longing for the sea that pulls at the collective heart of mankind. Whenever you experience that damp, drizzly November in your soul, you can jump right into The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag, or even indie fare like Spiritfarer. Any of these options will convince you that you can smell the salt in the air and feel the ocean breeze in your hair, but unfortunately, they are lacking in one key area: there’s no way of lording your knowledge of all things nautical over your friends. That’s where Sea of Thieves comes in.
Should you ever be athirst in the great American desert, try this experiment – look, it’s really important to me that you understand that I’ve read Moby Dick.
Crew up with your pals, and you’ll soon have the chance to correct them on the names of all the different parts of a boat – excuse me, of a ship. Whether you’re reciting mnemonics to help them remember which side is starboard while you’re taking fire from a hostile Skeleton Ship, or reminding them that they’re not, “on lookout,” but rather, “on watch in the crow’s nest,” during the doldrums between quest checkpoints, you will never run out of opportunities to impress your mateys.
Your buddies will love listening to you describe not only the in-game characteristics of the three types of sailable ships, but also the laughable semantic inaccuracies of their names. Learning to properly operate each kind of ship presents a challenging – but satisfying – learning curve. Making efficient use of a Galleon’s firepower to sink an enemy feels just as good as taking advantage of the Sloop’s superior maneuverability to take down a larger foe. But don’t worry – there will always be something for you to yell about, no matter how big or small your crew.
I mean, sure, technically, it’s a galleon. But I wouldn’t rig it like that.
As a seasoned sailor, you understand the importance of communication. You especially understand how important it is for everyone to listen to you, the smartest person on the boat. With both crew and proximity chat, you can be certain that your friends will hear all of your orders, as well as the scathing insults of the teenagers who just sunk your ship and killed all of you.
You’ll be ecstatic to learn that there aren’t any stat increases or gear buffs in Sea of Thieves, so your victories at sea will rely entirely on your seamanship. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t be concerned about your pirate wardrobe, as the varied and colorful attire will provide even more opportunities for you to chide your crewmates when they use the wrong name for your hat.
There’s no such thing as “boring” when you’re at sea. Constant vigilance is required, even when things seem downright peaceful. Someone should always have an eye on the horizon, and while they’re peering through that spyglass, why not teach them a little bit about the different types of masts on the ship? Surely that knowledge will come in handy when you spot a Sloop on the horizon and need to turn tail and speed away with your loot as quickly as possible.
Just be ready for your crewmates to remind you of a captain’s duty to go down with the ship.
Some might complain that Sea of Thieves relies too heavily on cooperative play, and that more development focus should go to players who want to sail the open ocean on their own. Not you. You understand that Poseidon is poor company, and that the last thing you want to be on a ship is lonely. Plus, if you played solo, you’d never get to tell anyone that the thing that sticks out of the front of the boat is called a bowsprit, and where’s the fun in that?
Sea of Thieves is the most fun you can have on a boat without passing basic seamanship, and with the game launching loads of new content and events to celebrate its fifth anniversary, there’s never been a better time to come aboard.
Sea of Thieves might be for you if…
You’ve been dying for a reason to put that old sailing merit badge to good use.
Getting better at a game is its own reward for you. Stat increases are for the weak.
You love co-op games that get a little hairy. It’s no fun if there’s no yelling.
Short hauls don’t do it for you. You prefer to settle in for longer gaming sessions.
It might not be for you if…
Losing hours of hard work in a few seconds would leave you low in the water.
Gaming is “you” time. You’re going to need to work with (and against) other people to survive the sea.
Yer just a landlubber at heart.
You can get Sea of Thieves on Xbox or PC now. It’s also available via Xbox/PC Game Pass. [lasso type=”table” id=”1″ link_id=”3798″]
NEW YORK — Sources have confirmed that season two of HBO’s critically acclaimed The Last of Us will see the Joel character replaced by Mike Nelson.
“We know this may not sit well with all of our fans,” said Craig Mazin, co-creator of the HBO series based on the popular video game series. “But we feel that Mike’s cold cynicism is a better fit for the world of The Last of Us than Joel’s whimsical sense of humor and reliance on props. There’s an episode in season one where they walked by a theater that had Underworld on its marquee and we really missed a great opportunity to have them riff on it for a few minutes. We’re still learning the best way to do this show as we go.”
“Plus Pedro [Pascal] played The Last of Us Part II to see what happened,” he continued. “And uh, he said he’s gonna focus on The Mandalorian for the time being.”
The unexpected announcement has created a vocal division among fans of The Last of Us.
“I don’t understand it at all, but I guess I’ll give it a chance,” said Matt Rodman, a local fan of the show and games. “I mean sure, it’s hard to imagine it with anyone else, but I’ve thought that about a lot of things before; Blink 182, Hannibal, my mom’s marriage. You end up getting used to it. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but I’ll probably always be more of a Joel guy.”
As of press time, it was still unconfirmed whether or not season two of The Last of Us would cover the DLC that allowed players to meet Tom Servo.
The Streamer Awards held this Saturday ended with a fizzle, not a bang. According to QTCinderella, the $50,000 afterparty for the Streamer Awards was shut down due to streamer JustaMinx’s drunken antics violating the venue’s terms of contract. I cannot believe that JustaMinx would cause such trouble at the afterparty. I think it’s high time people stop inviting JustaMinx to these streamer parties and start inviting someone cool like, say, me instead.
As someone who does not stream, I am the perfect match for your streamer party. Unlike JustaMinx or some other streamer, I have almost no online presence, and therefore do not have the online clout to start drama or film inappropriate moments. Not only am I a casual drinker, but alcohol interferes with my antidepressants so I shouldn’t be drinking in the first place.
Streamer xQc says that JustaMinx “just drank too much” at the Streamer Awards after party. In contrast, my friends say that I “love to be designated driver” and “make a great bean dip” when I go to parties.
JustaMinx is offering to pay the $50,000 invoice for the canceled Streamer Awards afterparty, which is very generous. However, I wouldn’t ruin the party in the first place because a $50,000 dollar payment would ruin my life financially. Instead of trashing the party, I’m down to help clean up afterwards because I am desperate for approval.
Reportedly, JustaMinx attempted to throw other streamers and multiple giant gas heaters into the party’s pool in the middle of the night. I would never throw anything into the pool. In fact, I am not able to throw heavy objects, due to my back surgery and history of herniated discs. I am extremely physically weak in general, which means that I could easily be removed from the party unlike known boxing extraordinaire JustaMinx. Hell, you may still need to call an ambulance like with JustaMinx, except this time it’s for my fragile, pathetic spine!
Did I mention I can juggle? I’m not talking about that pansy 3 ball shit. I’m handling 4, 5 balls at a time. These hands are magnets. I also have a personal card trick that I only do when I’m drunk – so I guess you’ll never see it.
KYOTO, Japan — During an impromptu Pokémon Presents on Tuesday, Game Freak announced that now there exists more than 1,000 Pokémon, it is going to start killing some of them off.
“After announcing we weren’t including every Pokémon in future games, people weren’t getting the message that we kinda just hate some of these fuckers,” said Tsunekazu Ishihara, President and CEO of the Pokémon Company. “Now there’s over 1000, and we’re all sick to our stomachs. It never should have gone this far. It’s time to start taking some of these guys out once and for all. And no, we can’t just ‘delete’ the Pokémon . We need to show you exactly what goes on when you make these kinds of complaints. You have forced our hand here.”
As opposed to the usual Pokémon Presents format, Ishihara gave the entire presentation standing in the middle of a dark room surrounded by the bodies of some lesser known Pokémon. A man in a black hood holding an executioner’s ax stood next to him, occasionally killing off a Pokémon here and there over the course of the video.
“I want anyone to look me in the eyes and say with a straight face they don’t want me to kill Sigilyph,” continued Ishihara, pressing a loaded gun to Sigilyph’s temple. “If any one person says that Sigilyph is their favorite Pokémon, then all I can say is I’m sorry we brought this madness into the world.”
Viewers around the world were confused at the drastic change in tone of this Pokémon Presents, with hopes for DLC or remake announcements being replaced with a lot of murder.
“I’m used to a little disappointment during a Pokémon Presents, but watching someone shoot Pineco felt weird,” said Michael Baker, a lifelong Pokémon fan. “That being said, they did say they were remaking Gold and Silver again, so that more than made up for it.”
The Pokémon Presents lasted for 20 minutes, ending with Ishihara getting on his knees and choking out a Sandshrew while the video slowly faded to black.
REDMOND, Wash. — Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America, remained secretive about the company’s follow up to their massively successful Switch platform, insisting that gathered reporters would have to violently murder him before he disclosed any information, sources have confirmed.
“Oh there are things I could tell you, plenty of things,” Bowser said during an impromptu press conference held this morning. “Of course we have a planned follow up to our seven year old hardware that’s been out of date for five of them. Of course we have a plan to stay relevant in a competitive gaming space. But that’s for me to take to my grave unless one of you journalist fucks woke up feeling like a man today. Frankly, one of you bastards will have to kill me.”
“Come on,” he said, as he threw a large knife on the ground near the gathered press. “You can use this if you want. Come get your precious news story.”
Reporters were shocked at the confrontational nature of Bowser, who’s generally exhibited a more favorable tone towards the media in the past.
“Maybe we just asked him about the next Nintendo system one too many times,” said Tom Campbell, a reporter that’s been covering Nintendo for years. “Or maybe he has some other shit going on in his life, I don’t know. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might’ve got some bad news this morning or something, because it is absolutely shocking and out of character the way he spent an hour taunting and provoking us this morning. We expect this kind of thing from Activision, but not Nintendo!”
As of press time, Doug Bowser had cut his hand open using a second knife and used his blood to paint a red “M” on his forehead before again challenging reporters to physical combat in exchange for information regarding a new Nintendo console.
