Warden of Horny Jail Admits Putting All the Horny People Together in One Building Was a Huge Mistake

PINELLAS COUNTY, Fla. — The controversial Horny Jail, a maximum security prison for people who are “horny on main,” has come under scrutiny after the warden admitted the institution was a total mistake.

“I think this whole thing was poorly thought out,” said warden Davlos Emmanuile. “Putting all the horniest people together has only made things worse. It’s basically been one non-stop orgy since I started here. I’ve seen every position, every possible fetish. It really shows you the seedy underbelly of human nature. That’s not a metaphor, by the way. The seedy underbelly is a new sexual position they invented in here.” 

The warden admits there were some mistakes that made Horny Jail even more depraved than it should have been.

“Sorting the cell blocks by fetish was a real oversight,” he confessed. “We realized our mistake after the great furry circle jerk of ’09. Of course, mixing the inmates together caused new problems. A lot of inmates started finding new fetishes, which only makes them hornier. Then there’s the problem with masochists—the more we punish them, the hornier they get. How are we supposed to deal with that? This whole thing has made me question the horny punitive model. A lot of our inmates don’t even want to leave when their sentence is up.”

Perhaps the most outspoken critics of the prison are its own janitorial staff. Citing long hours and gross work conditions, the custodians have gone on strike.

“It never stops,” said janitorial union boss Diego Placide. “By the time we clean up one puddle of human fluids, they’ve made three more. It’s not just mopping, either. They get fluids on the walls, the furniture, and even the ceiling. I once had to individually clean every book in the library. It turns out sexual bibliophiles are a thing. Who knew?”

While some have called for abolishing Horny Jail altogether, others claim the problem is simply overcrowding caused by the “straight to horny jail” policy.

100 Gecs Song Blasting Out of Busted iPhone Speakers Exactly How It Was Meant to Be Played

LOS ANGELES — Local audiophile Kieran Leach reportedly blasted the new 100 gecs album 10,000 gecs through his busted iPhone 6 speakers to ensure that the songs sounded exactly the way they should.

“I have a really fancy record player with a lot of really dope equipment, but that’s not the way 100 gecs is meant to be heard. If you don’t have a Nintendo 3DS around, the next best thing is to just find a cell phone you dropped on the floor while skateboarding in 2015 and pump the volume as high as possible. For a little extra volume, though, I stuck the phone in a glass,” Leach explained. “From pop-punk, to ska, to metal rap, the whole album sounds like someone took a bunch of songs from 2004 and filtered them through a blender. And that’s fucking awesome.”

“A few of my favorite songs from their last tour didn’t make it onto the album, like ‘Hey Big Man’ and ‘Fallen 4 Ü,’” Leach added. “Which is dope, because I much prefer blasting the recording I took of those songs on my phone in my pocket last time I saw them live. It pairs nicely, like a nice red wine and steak.”

Singer-songwriter Laura Les, one half of the hyperpop duo alongside Dylan Brady, confirmed that Leach was listening to the album the correct way.

“Blasting the music through some busted iPhone speakers is definitely the second or third best way to listen to 10,000 gecs,” Les confirmed. “But the #1 way to listen to the album is still pumping it through some fucked up speakers in your 20-year old Honda Accord getaway car while your friends rob a bank.”

At press time, Les and Brady confirmed that every show on their 2023 nationwide tour would feature the band playing their songs by holding their phone speakers up to a microphone.

Congress Bans TikTok After Frustrated Legislators Couldn’t Master ‘Wednesday’ Dance

WASHINGTON — In a shocking unanimous vote, the United States Congress decided to ban popular social media and video sharing app TikTok citing frustration at learning the viral
“Wednesday Addams Dance.” 

“We’ve decided to make the choice to ban TikTok until further notice, after realizing it represents not only a threat to our nation’s security, but also that goddamn ‘Wednesday Dance’ is fucking impossible to do,” said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. “The looming terror of its Chinese origins is frightening, sure, but how the hell do you do that slow-motion leg and arm thing? Let it be known to the American people that most of our representatives have nailed down the limp-arm-behind-the-back move, but then the sort of Thriller hands in front still evade us. It’s clear that TikTok just needs to go away for a while.”

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer elaborated on the decision to block the Chinese-based platform.

“It’s awful to see so many legislators with their black dresses and deadpan glares unable to perfect today’s most popular trend,” Schumer said in a press conference. “It seemed that banning TikTok was the fastest way to get our attention back on track. Who knows when another viral choreography routine or prank will cause laws to go unpassed or healthcare to be denied. Many Americans nationwide simply cannot keep up with TikTok trends. I only just learned last week how to finally get one of those ‘They Call Me’ videos going.”

At press time, sources in D.C. reported that President Biden had allegedly planned to veto the controversial ban, after revealing he and Kamala Harris had finally learned the Barbie Dogs dance.

Dread Templar Is a ‘Boomer Shooter’ for Fans of Doom, Quake, and Soundtracks that Feel Like They’re Attacking You

There was a cheap bundle of “boomer shooters” on Humble a while back, which I’ve been playing through a bit at a time. It turns out that a lot of them make the same Doom-inspired argument: the wailing denizens of the pit have had it too good for too long. Don’t wait for hell to invade Earth; head down there with a sawed-off shotgun to show the Ars Goetia squad what the fuck is about to go down.

Dread Templar, which came out of Steam Early Access in January, is a fairly textbook example. 20 years ago, a demon killed your character’s grandfather. Now he’s busted into hell on a mission of revenge, in full ‘90s antihero cosplay, with a plan to kill almost everything he sees.

Dread Templar nails the basics of a good retro FPS right away:

  • You can carry around at least a half-dozen long guns at once.
  • Your character can’t move at a speed below a dead sprint.
  • When an enemy’s killed, it explodes like a trash bag full of jambalaya. Dismemberment is optional but encouraged, especially if I get to punt-kick severed heads around the map afterward.
  • The protagonist only speaks between stages, if at all. (Terminal smartassery is reserved for games made with the Build engine, i.e. Ion Fury.)
  • Every level should look like an Iron Maiden album cover.

DT loses points on this scale by requiring you to reload your basic pistols, submachineguns, and big fuck-off Infernal Revolver, but it goes for extra credit with one of the most oppressive metal soundtracks I’ve ever heard. It’s a sonic mugging. It’s the sort of thing I’d have listened to in 1993 exclusively to piss off my mom. It’s the sort of thrash metal you come up with when you’re trying to make fun of thrash metal. When I had to take a break from DT, it was because I was tired of the soundtrack bludgeoning my inner ear. Between that and the first few stages, I initially wasn’t feeling DT.

It’s got a couple of things that set it apart, like an air dash, bullet time, and a trap launcher that lays down anti-demon taser mines, but the first five episodes of its campaign have a real problem with being Just Another Quake Clone.

As you play through it, however, you pick up Runes, which can be equipped to your basic weapons to augment them, and Blood Gems, which can be spent to open up more Rune slots. At first, this doesn’t mean much besides a little extra attack power or being able to carry more ammunition. You also have to clean each level out to get as many Gems and Runes as possible, which means taking on side challenges and finding every secret cache.

Once you’ve got enough extras to expand your arsenal, including the rarer but game-changing Gold Runes, DT gets much more interesting. Gold Runes’ powers make significant changes to your basic weapons, usually by turning them into some seething red-and-black nightmare.

Now your basic pistols do significantly more damage and blow through everything in each bullet’s path, or your SMGs become “Hellscreams” that can put 400 rounds into a target in 1.5 seconds. The basic shotgun can be upgraded into a pump-action sniper rifle, or infused with frost so it slows down anything you shoot; the trap launcher suddenly becomes one of the best weapons in the game, as your traps are upgraded into demon turrets that target and kill everything they see for the next 30 seconds.

At the same time your arsenal’s getting more flexible, Dread Templar’s level design also gets steadily more ambitious. Once you get through its first chapter, the game starts to lean into the surrealism and horror of ‘90s-style video game hell, and it quickly improves.

The problem with DT ends up being a lot like the issues I had with 2020’s Doom Eternal, where it treats all the fun parts of the game as optional parts of its upgrade path. There’s a genuinely fun, manipulable retro FPS in here, but it’s hidden behind a few bad stages and starts you on the low end of its power curve. If DT started closer to where it ends up, it’d be an easier recommendation, but if you can stick it out past the first episode, it turns into a solid, gory, fast-paced FPS.

Dread Templar might be for you if:

  • You get an intense, borderline-sensual thrill from circle-strafing monsters to death.
  • You regard yourself as a “child of the ‘90s,” but are okay with games adding a few improvements to that formula.
  • A dude in a longcoat dual-wielding hell to death sounds like the sort of thing you drew in the margins of your English notes.
  • You’d have liked Doom Eternal better if it looked more like a Sega Saturn game.

It might not be for you if:

  • Listen to the soundtrack on YouTube first. If you can’t handle that, you can’t handle Dread Templar.
  • You barely got out of the Xbox 360/PS3 “brown = realistic” years with your sense of aesthetics intact. [lasso ref=”green-man-gaming-3″ id=”23073″ link_id=”3848″]

Horrified HGTV Exec Stumbles Into Room of Tanks Containing Dead Clones of Original Property Brother

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — A terrible secret was reportedly revealed to Home and Garden Television executive Brian Angier after accidentally stumbling into a secluded room containing dead clones of the original Property Brother.

“Oh my God, it all makes sense now. I can sense the evil coming from this room,” a petrified Angier reportedly said. “I always wondered how there were two perfect Property Brothers designed to renovate dream homes, but I never knew this is the terrible, sickening way we made them. I always thought the Property Brothers were good. Too good. Now I see why. Take a moment and think of this ‘achievement.’ Think of all the failed real estate moguls that met their cruel fate all so one couple a week could have a bespoke treehouse built for their kids in their backyard. For every vaulted ceiling or Jack and Jill bathroom, there’s a grotesque, malformed Property Brother floating lifeless in a vat. I think I’m going to be sick.”

Property Brother Drew Scott spoke to the horrors he witnessed to become a reality TV sensation.

“So often you think of the price of your home renovation, but you fail to consider the cost,” Scott said. “It took everything. Everything, to get where I am. These other HGTV stars, your ‘Flip or Flop’ or ‘Love It or List It,’ they know nothing of sacrifice. It’s one thing to give your life to fixing up homes, it’s another to give up hundreds, thousands of your life to perfect the craft. Though I may spend my entire career flipping houses, the greatest renovation I’ve ever been a part of was rebuilding my own body from the ground up, after tearing it down over and over and over again. Am I the original Property Brother? Impossible. While I may or may not indeed be a clone, whoever the ‘original’ Property Brother was died the moment he dared to play God.”

At press time, sources at HGTV announced that they would be burying all of the failed television stars in a beautifully renovated mid-century modern mass grave with original molding.

Call of Duty MW2 & Warzone 2 Tempus Torrent Loadout Guide

The Tempus Torrent is the only weapon that was added during Season 2 Reloaded of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 and Warzone 2.0. Being a marksman rifle with a high fire rate and damage, it’s a formidable weapon to use in any combat situation. It can be made even better with certain attachments and perks. So, here is the best loadout for the Tempus Torrent in MW2 and Warzone 2.

 Best Tempus Torrent Loadout in MW2: Attachments, Perks, and Class Setup

  • Barrel: 14’’ Chroma LRS
  • Laser: FSS Ole-V Laser
  • Optic: XTEN Angel-40
  • Stock: Ravage-8
  • Underbarrel:  VX Pineapple
  • Perk Package:
  • Base Perks: Scavenger and Overkill
  • Bonus Perk: Fast Hands
  • Ultimate Perk: Ghost
  • Lethal: Frag Grenade
  • Tactical: Flash Grenade

For the MW2 loadout, we focused on improving the range and accuracy of this marksman rifle. The FSS Ole-V Laser and Ravage-8 Stock both improve the Aim Down Sight (ADS) speed of the rifle. The 14’’ Chroma LRS Barrel improves the range and bullet velocity as well as providing much-needed sound suppression. The VX Pineapple improves fire accuracy and recoil control from the hip. Finally, the XTEN Angel-40 is chosen as the optic here as it has the precision sight picture and indicates the target range.

The perk package for the Tempus Torrent includes Scavenger and Overkill as base perks. Scavenger will help in recovering additional ammo from dead enemies and Overkill will grant another primary weapon slot. The Chimera or the M4 is a reliable weapon for this slot. Fast Hands is the bonus perk that helps in switching and reloading weapons faster. Ghost is the ultimate perk that will keep you hidden under various enemy radars. The lethal and tactical options include the Frag and Flash Grenade, but they can be changed based on player preference.

Best Tempus Torrent Loadout in Warzone 2.0: Attachments, Perks, and Class Setup

  • Ammunition: 7.62 Incendiary
  • Barrel: 14’’ Chroma LRS
  • Laser: FSS Ole-V Laser
  • Optic: XTEN Angel-40
  • Stock: Ravage 8
  • Perk Package: 
  • Base Perks: Overkill and Battle Hardened
  • Bonus Perk: Fast Hands
  • Ultimate Perk: Survivor
  • Lethal:  Frag Grenade
  • Tactical: Flash Grenade

The Warzone 2.0 loadout is mainly about damage and accuracy which is why the 7.62 Incendiary is chosen here. It will provide some serious incendiary damage to enemies. Other than that all the attachments are the same from the MW2 loadout because they prove great in the Warzone as well.

For the perk package, we went with Overkill and Battle Hardened as base perks, Fast Hands as the bonus perk, and Survivor as the ultimate perk. Survivor is particularly useful here as it will grant you one self-revive when you are downed. The lethal and tactical options remain the same here from the MW2 loadout but as always, it is dependent on player preference.

Well, Well, Well, Mom Says She Can’t Pause Online Bridge Game

Isn’t it interesting where we’ve found ourselves, mother? It was not so long ago that our roles in the computer room were reversed. Me in the swivel chair, you standing under the taxidermied mountain goat in the corner. 

And yet here we are, mother. I’ve been cooking for hours and your birthday risotto is on the table, getting colder by the minute. It would be easy for you to stand up from the chair and come to the dining room.

But…what’s that you say, mother?

You. Can’t. Pause. Your. Online. Bridge. Game?

Say it again, mother. Let those dulcet words ring in my ear.

It seems like only yesterday that I was in that chair myself, tanking Z’maja in the execute phase of veteran Cloudrest + 3 hardmode, when you called from the kitchen to say that dinner was ready. And I said nothing, because I was on voice chat and I thought my guild would make fun of me. And then you waved your hand in front of the computer and said that the enchilada casserole was going to get cold and could I please pause the game and finish it after dinner, and then we wiped and I got kicked out of my guild for not “being committed to difficult trials.”

Do you remember it, mother?

DO YOU REMEMBER?

Isn’t it funny, life’s little ironies?

Because here we are, and what’s that I hear? That you’re playing Bridge with real people online, and if you leave your partner @ecuadoran_goren in the middle of a “slam attempt,” he’ll have to forfeit and that wouldn’t be fair to him? That you’ll lose rank points?

Is that so, mother?

WILL @ecuadoran_goren HAVE TO FORFEIT, JUST AS YOU WERE ABOUT TO MAKE YOUR SEVENTH TRICK?

I’m too disappointed to make a joke about whatever a slam attempt is.

The choice is yours to make.

I’ll be in the dining room eating cold risotto.

Think if You Were in Midgar, You’d Help Save the World? Be Realistic. Play the New PowerWash Simulator DLC

Look, RPGs are great. Roleplaying and building up your stats in various categories is almost always a recipe for a successful game. Hell, Final Fantasy has built an entire franchise out of it, with Final Fantasy 7 being one of the most popular iterations. But, it’s time we revisit the world of FF7 a bit more realistically.

Let’s just rip the band-aid off now: you wouldn’t be the hero of Midgar. You wouldn’t even manage to be an optional party member of the team that saves the world. You, at absolute best, would be the underpaid guy working at Shinra, cleaning all of their shit. Luckily, you can live out this (far more feasible) fantasy in the new PowerWash Simulator DLC.

In the PowerWash Simulator Midgar Special Pack, you get access to five new levels set in Midgar (there’s also five for Tomb Raider, if that’s your jam). The Midgar levels include Shinra vehicles, weapons, and even Tifa’s bar, Seventh Heaven. They don’t look Final Fantasy 7 Remake-tier good, but are faithful recreations of locations that will be familiar to many gamers.

The gameplay is pretty much the same as other PowerWash Simulator gameplay. Thing is dirty. Clean the thing. Get all of the dirt and grime off whatever thing you’re cleaning, and the job’s done. It might sound a bit boring, but there’s plenty of satisfaction to get from cleaning. It’s a great loop to wind down at the end of a long day.

There’s also a surprising amount of fan service in here. The locations and gear are all faithfully Instead of texts from generic NPCs, you get messages from Shinra employees like Heidegger, and party members like Tifa. Tifa will never look at you as more than a freelance employee, though. Don’t go and start thinking you have a chance with her.

Overall, whether you’re new to PowerWash Simulator or coming back after finishing the career mode, the Midgar Special Pack is worth your time. You should definitely check it out if:

  • You’re even a casual fan of Final Fantasy 7. You’ll probably enjoy getting to see these vehicles and equipment in a new light.
  • You want a game to wind down at the end of the day, or while watching a good comedy or catching up on a podcast.
  • You think you’re “just like Cloud FR.” It’s time to get a reality check.

You likely won’t get much value if:

  • You want great worldbuilding or character development. You’re powerwashing, I don’t know what to tell you.

PowerWash Simulator is available on all major platforms. It’s also available included with PC & Xbox Game Pass. The Midgar Special Pack itself is a free update as well; no additional purchase required! [lasso ref=”green-man-gaming-2″ id=”23043″ link_id=”3822″]

Diablo 4 Edition Comparison Guide: All Edition Contents

Diablo 4 is releasing in a few short months, and since early Diablo 4 beta access requires a preorder (or participating in an incredibly weird promotion), many players are looking for an edition comparison to find which edition they should buy. There are three different editions to choose from, each with their own content and advantages in Diablo 4 and other Blizzard games. Here’s the content you can find in each edition of Diablo 4. 

Diablo 4 Edition Comparison: Diablo 4 Pre-Order Guide

A complete edition comparison chart for Diablo 4.

Each edition comes with its own set of bonuses, both for Diablo 4 and other games from the Diablo franchise, as well as other Blizzard games. The contents for the standard edition pre-order ($69.99) include:

  • Beta early access
  • Light Bearer Mount
  • Inarius Wings & Inarius Murloc Pet (for Diablo 3)
  • Amalgam of Rage Mount (for World of Warcraft)
  • Umber Winged Darkness Cosmetics Set (for Diablo Immortal)

The Digital Deluxe Edition ($89.99) includes everything in the Standard Edition pre-order, as well as:

  • Up to 4 Days Early Access to the full release of Diablo 4
  • Temptation Mount
  • Hellborn Carapace Mount Armor
  • Premium Seasonal Battle Pass

Finally, the priciest version of Diablo 4, the Ultimate Edition ($99.99), comes with everything listed above with one difference. Instead of the Premium Seasonal Battle Pass, you’ll get the Accelerated Seasonal Battle Pass. The only difference seems to be starting with an extra 20 tiers and an exclusive cosmetic.

So, which Diablo 4 edition should you buy? It really all comes down to how patient you are. The only big leg up that the Digital Deluxe Edition has over the Standard Edition is the 4 days early access to the game’s launch. If you want to pay the extra $20 to get the game 4 days earlier than everyone else, I’d say it’s worth the splurge. All the other content, though, is cosmetic, so think for a while about whether that really cool temptation mount is really worth spending the extra money on.

Still need the lowdown on that beta? Check out our guide to the dates and times of Diablo 4‘s beta.

Diablo 4 Beta Guide: When Can You Download the Diablo 4 Beta?

The Diablo 4 Beta is quickly approaching, and Blizzard Entertainment has recently confirmed that they will be rolling it out in two different phases, leaving players to wonder when they can download the Diablo 4 beta. The first phase is Early Access, and those who have pre-purchased Diablo IV or participated in a quite odd promotion can participate. The second & final phase is the Open Beta, which will be available to everyone once the early access concludes. Luckily, players can pre-download the Diablo 4 Beta files so that they can hop into the testing right away.

Diablo 4 Beta Download: Early Access and Open Beta Release Times

Diablo 4‘s Early Access beta (first phase) download starts Wednesday, March 15, at 9 a.m. PDT. At the same time, the early download for Open Beta begins a week after the previous phase, i.e., Wednesday, March 22, at 9 a.m. PDT.

Open Beta and Early Access Weekends Duration:

  • Early Access to the Open Beta begins March 17 at 9 a.m. PDT and concludes March 20 at 12 p.m. PDT.
  • The Open Beta begins March 24 at 9 a.m. PDT and concludes March 27 at 12 p.m. PDT.

Please note: Players who have already downloaded for Early Access do not need to download again for Open Beta.

There are two ways to gain entry to the Early Access beta of Diablo 4. If you have pre-ordered the game, you will automatically receive access when the beta begins. 

Alternatively, if you have obtained an Early Access code through the fried chicken sandwiches promotion, you will need to visit the Diablo 4 beta website, log into your Battle.net account (or create one), enter your code, and select your preferred gaming platform. After clicking “Redeem,” you will either receive a code to download the Beta for a console or be able to download the game for PC during pre-loading.

Diablo 4 Beta: Minimum Requirements for PC

You can run the Diablo IV Open Beta at 1080p native resolution / 720p render resolution, low graphics settings, and 30 fps if you have a PC with the following specs.

  • Operating System: 64-bit Windows 10
  • Processor: Intel Core i5-2500K or AMD FX-8100
  • Memory: 8 GB RAM
  • Graphics: NVIDIA GeForce GTX 660 or AMD Radeon R9 280
  • DirectX: Version 12
  • Storage: SSD with 45 GB available space
  • Internet: Broadband Connection

Recommended Requirements for PC

If you have a PC with the following specs, you can run the Diablo IV Beta at 1080p resolution, medium graphics settings, and 60fps.

  • Operating System: 64-bit Windows 10
  • Processor: Intel Core i5-4670K or AMD R3-1300X
  • Memory: 16 GB RAM
  • Graphics: NVIDIA GeForce GTX 970 or AMD Radeon RX 470
  • DirectX: Version 12
  • Storage: SSD with 45 GB available space
  • Internet: Broadband Connection

Looking for something to play while you wait for the beta? Check out our picks for the best Nintendo Switch RPGs to play while you wait!