MISSOULA, MONTANA — After a four-decade manhunt, the FBI’s search for the notorious “Bomberman” came to an explosive conclusion this Tuesday when a daring midnight raid on a rural Missoula Cabin led to the arrest of prime suspect John Bomberman.
The arrest ended a string of bombings that have baffled authorities and delighted gamers since the late 1980s. Though the frequency of these attacks has decreased greatly since their peak in the 1990’s, authorities were glad to have the perpetrator in handcuffs.
“We had various leads indicating our suspect was some kind of small robot in a white gimp suit,” said senior FBI agent Judith Delecto, “but what really closed the case was a tip-off from the suspect’s close friend Black Bomberman”.
The bombing spree, which originally began in Peace Town but later shifted north to Diamond City, caused cataclysmic damage. Forensic specialist Guillermo Sanchez recounts, “The bombing spree killed dozens of these strange cycloptic ball monsters, and animated balloons, as well as destroying millions of dollars worth of brick walls covering hidden doors. This guy was a real sick puppy.”
A search of the terrorist’s cabin revealed several bombs, a manifesto, and several illegal items like the Skull powerup, which indicates the 10 year old Japanese expat had machinations of bioterrorism. They also found correspondence with someone he referred to as ‘Dr. Ein’ who seems to be the one supplying him with some of these items. Police sent out an APB for this man, describing him as “a short rotund older man with spiky white hair, usually wearing glasses and a lab coat”
The FBI released a snippet of the manifesto, which read “Bomberman can only rely on bombs of his own production for his defense. Will Bomberman ever make it to the surface? Once there, will he really become human?”
At press time, the FBI announced another manhunt, as the terrorist somehow put a large hole in the wall of his holding cell and escaped.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Tech giant Google is planning a revolutionary new feature named “Fog of War” to their Maps app, according to a product announcement video from executives including CEO Sundar Pichai.
“With Google Maps people can search and view their next big trip, walk to the park, or even spy on your former employer with street view. The possibilities are endless,” said Pichai.
“But we want Google Maps to be something even bigger. The video game industry is rapidly expanding, but we don’t want to step on any toes by creating our own games. Instead we aim to make everyday life feel like a video game.”
Lorraine Twohill, Chief Marketing Officer at Google, then explained the thought process behind the new feature.
“People that play video games find that getting from point A to point B can be trivial and boring. Most people that use Google Maps will also agree that the app just shows you a destination with surrounding landmarks, and it feels like an endless fetch quest,” said Twohill.
“Our Maps app has helped people get around since 2005, but if someone knows where they’re going they don’t even look at the app. We figured, why not add an element of surprise? With the launch of Maps 2.0, we’ll now save every location a user has ever visited and cover everywhere else with fog, so every day users can feel like adventurers.”
The new feature is currently in the beta phase, but some testers voiced concerns online, including Bill Drake.
“As a big fan of Silent Hill I was very excited to try this feature. Unfortunately during my first test run I was driving to work and thought I was taking a shortcut but I was actually driving through someone’s farm,” said Drake.
“I’ve told Google about that but they’re fully committed to launch the Fog of War feature by the end of this quarter. Issues aside, it’s a great feature. You can be out grocery shopping and discover a new dive bar, or suddenly drive through a waterfall on your way to work.”
According to reporters who were present at the announcement, Google is changing Maps’ tagline from “Getting people from point A to point B” to “figure it out yourself.”
Resident Evil launched in 1996, kickstarting a beloved franchise with fixed camera angles, claustrophobic hallways, and resource/inventory management that hooked me from the first moments I played the game. Unfortunately, all of these games cost money to buy and I don’t see why the IRS should get any of that, especially because I really need the money a lot more than the government does.
So, here’s a ranking of every Resident Evil game so I can write them off as a business expense.
#18 – Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
Umbrella Chronicles was the first of the light gun games on the Wii, retelling the events of Resident Evil, Resident Evil Zero, and Resident Evil 3. There is added context added to these events, but it still feels like a better use of time to just play the originals. I honestly wasn’t even going to put the light gun games on this list, but I did spend money on them and I need to salvage every penny I can from this.
#17 – Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles
Darkside Chronicles is the sequel to Umbrella Chronicles, and the reason I was so damn confused when I played Resident Evil 4 as a kid. Resident Evil 4 acts like the player already knows who Major Krauser is, but his backstory is only explained in Darkside, which wouldn’t be released until four years later. This much needed telling of Operation Javier is the only reason to ever play this game, so I’d recommend you skip it and watch the cutscenes on Youtube or something.
#16 – Resident Evil 3 Remake
On its own, the remake of Resident Evil 3 is a perfectly fine game that I genuinely enjoyed my time with. The dodge mechanic is extremely satisfying to pull off once you’ve mastered it, and it’s short enough that I can beat it in an afternoon, which has led me to replay it far more than some of the other entries. Unfortunately, a lot of content was cut here. Nemesis encounters feel a little bit too scripted, Uptown Raccoon City and the clocktower both got gutted, and the removal of the live selection mechanic seriously hurts replayability in an already rather short game from a franchise known for replay value.
#15 – Resident Evil: Revelations 2
I’ve only played Revelations 2 a single time, and I don’t remember a damn thing about it. I suppose that means it couldn’t have been all that bad, but it certainly wasn’t particularly good. If anything, being forgettable is worse for a game than being good, and the only thing I remember about this one is that I spent my hard earned money on it.
#14 – Resident Evil: Revelations
The first Revelations was originally a 3DS game and it shows. That doesn’t make it bad, but the technical limitations make it a less ambitious game than its home console peers. The parts where you play as Jill are pretty fun, but they should have made up the whole game. I’m pretty sure by putting it on the list I can also get away with not paying taxes on the 3DS I bought for this game back in the day.
#13 – Resident Evil 6
It was really hard to find a good spot on this list for Resident Evil 6. Initially I ranked it quite a bit lower because it’s a bit of an unfocused mess, but I realized I had a lot more fun playing it than any of the previous entries. Is it more of a Mission Impossible game than a Resident Evil? Sure, but the shooting is tight and the melee is satisfying as hell, and Leon Kennedy is in it which bumps it up by at least two points.
#12 – Resident Evil
The one that started it all, the original Resident Evil is still fun to play, even if it is largely eclipsed by the Gamecube remake. I’ll still play it from time to time, and enjoy every second of it’s cheesy, poorly acted dialogue and chunky PS1 goodness.
#11 – Resident Evil 5
Resident Evil 5 is an interesting game. The middle third is both poorly aged and not particularly enjoyable in the first place, and playing it single player forces you to fight against the mediocre partner AI. Despite its flaws, Resident Evil 5 is just so much fun to playthrough with a friend. I actually bought two copies of this one so it’s really important it stays on the list.
#10 – Resident Evil 3: Nemesis
The original Resident Evil 3 has a lot going for it. It has a much better blend of action and horror compared to some of the later titles, and the live selection mechanic makes it a blast to replay. Nemesis is a terrifying, near unkillable machine of death who will stop at nothing to hunt you down, except if you shoot him a few times with a shotgun or something. That will stop him, at least for a little while.
#9 – Resident Evil Village
Village contains the single most terrifying sequence in the entire series, but it also has Moreau in it so it balances out to just being pretty good. While fun to play every once in a while, it takes a little too much from Resident Evil 4, and often playing it just makes me want to play 4 instead. I bought it three times.
#8 – Resident Evil Zero
Zero would be higher on this list if it wasn’t for those damn frogs. While funny, nothing is more frustrating than a randomly spawning one hit kill enemy. It’s certainly one of the harder entries, and it’s not a given that you’ll always have the ammo you need to get through an encounter, especially because of the lack of an item box. The game’s saving grace is the relationship between Billy and Rebecca, two of the best characters in the series who will never show up in another new game again.
#7 – Resident Evil 2 Remake
The remake of Resident Evil 2 could have been a perfect game. The first of the modern remakes, it set the bar incredibly high, taking a classic game and translating it into something fresh while maintaining the core story and characters. Unfortunately, the lack of a true B scenario means the original game comes out ahead.
#6 – Resident Evil 2
The original Resident Evil 2 is just fun. It’s just as cheesy as the first game, but the Racoon City police station is a fantastic setting, and character textures are far more detailed. While still not perfect, the A and B scenarios feel more cohesive than in the remake.
#5 – Resident Evil 7: Biohazard
Less of a return to form and more of another reimagining of the series, Resident Evil 7 has you play as series newcomer Ethan “way too determined to save his insane wife” Winters, who gets trapped in a mansion in Louisiana. The first game in the series to be in first person, it’s a far more horror focused experience than the rest of the franchise. As with many Resident Evil games, the initial location of the main house is by far the best part of the game, and later areas such as the boat are a bit of a letdown in comparison. I also bought this one three times.
#4 – Resident Evil – Code: Veronica
Code: Veronica is confusing, difficult, and very likely to end your first run when you don’t have enough ammo to kill the tyrant on the plane, but still a fantastic game. The second half of the game has you play as Chris, running through the same areas you struggled through as Claire, making you feel powerful and cool as hell. Capcom, please release a remake. I’m not asking here.
#3 – Resident Evil Remake
The 2002 Gamecube remake of Resident Evil is the perfect version of the original formula. Visually, it’s one of the best looking Gamecube games and still holds up today, while the gameplay is the best it can possibly be. The only problem is that one part at the end with the explosive fuel capsule, where you will accidentally press the run button at least once and die a terrible death.
#2 – Resident Evil 4
Resident Evil 4 saved the series after several years of poor sales, thanks to the new over-the-shoulder camera and increased emphasis on action over horror. It manages to make an entire game an escort quest, a format that gamers usually hate, and keep it interesting the whole time. There’s not a single ounce of fat in this game, with every area and idea sticking around just long enough to be properly explored but never get old.
#1 – Resident Evil 4 Remake
The remake of Resident Evil 4 is just better. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. Luis’ expanded role makes him a far more likeable character, and Leon is back with a vengeance with brand new quips and one-liners, now with a side of PTSD and survivor’s guilt. While mostly faithful as far as locations, the Island has been completely reworked to fit better with the slightly more horror focused tone, and the new regenerators are a whole new type of terrifying.
The greatest improvement is in the gameplay. While it was almost perfect in the original, it’s further refined here. An evolution of the dodge from 3 Remake is the ability to parry attacks with your knife. The parry is without a doubt the best gameplay mechanic in any Resident Evil game. You can parry crossbow bolts, you can parry molotovs, you can parry a Ganado’s arm clean off. The ability to stealth your way through encounters adds a whole new layer to gameplay, and every gun is the most satisfying version in any video game I’ve played. If this game was any better I’d have to buy it again, which I really cannot afford with all of these taxes I apparently have to pay. I bet Leon Kennedy doesn’t pay his taxes.
Steam Releases a survey at the start of every month to determine the most used CPUs, GPUs, and other computer parts. This can be interesting for those curious about such things, and also helpful for game developers to know what level of hardware they need to optimize for. But according to leaked documents, the real reason is to shame you and your terrible excuse for a gaming rig.
As of this December, every user who completes the survey will now receive a personalized note written by Gabe Newell himself along with the usual results page. The intent of this change is to help those who don’t have an eye for statistics to better understand how their machine stacks up against the average. It also gives Newell something to do so he doesn’t have to make any more video games.
Several users posted screenshots of what they were sent in order to protest the change, citing concerns that being openly hostile to your customer base could potentially be bad for business. The following is a quote from one of those posts.
“Wow, you still have an 11th gen intel chip? Get with the times, man. Seriously, that shit is four years old now. And you’ve only got a 3060? Not even a TI? Shameful. It’s like Todd Howard is always saying, you need to upgrade this thing if you want to play anything from this generation on even remotely high settings.
“I can’t even believe your only SSD is 256GB and doesn’t have a single game on it. Like, what the fuck man? I guess I can excuse not having a top of the line video card, but you’re not even going to shell out the cash to save precious seconds of your one life on this earth stuck on loading screens? It honestly makes me embarrassed just thinking about it.
“I know what kind of performance you get in Counter-Strike. I’ve been watching you play, and I didn’t even know it was possible to get such a low frame rate in that game. I’ve personally issued a VAC ban to your account until you deal with this shit, so you can’t go around ruining any more matches with your lousy excuse for a computer.
So you just bought yourself an expensive new gaming monitor for Christmas, but have no idea what games to play on it first. The first game on a new display has to be carefully chosen in order to properly christen it, but with so many options to choose from it’s hard to know if you made the right choice.
Not every game is perfectly optimized to get the most out of your new monitor’s features, but we here at Hard Drive have got you covered with this list of the top 11 retro games to test out your shiny new gaming display.
#11 – Resident Evil (2002)
Unfortunately early GameCube games are retro now, but at least you can make the most of it by replaying the absolutely gorgeous remake of Resident Evil. Its striking visual style and pre-rendered backgrounds keep it from feeling dated, and heavy contrast makes it look stunning on higher end displays.
#10 – Tetris
You want heavy contrast? Tetris has got you covered. The visuals are crisp and utilitarian, and never sacrifice readability for flair. It isn’t ideal if you want something with more than four colors, but blue and red are for losers anyway.
#9 – Final Fantasy VII
Final Fantasy VII is a classic for good reason. While character models can feel a little lacking today, the field backgrounds are beautifully made and pack so much detail into every inch. Depending on the release you choose to play, you might even have a high enough resolution to realize that the characters finally have mouths.
#8 – Starfield
You may be arguing that Starfield isn’t a retro game and that you aren’t going to buy it, but I disagree. It’s full of retro-futuristic technology, which is almost the same thing as being a retro game, right? It’s also so janky and unoptimized that it might as well have been released on the Sega Saturn.
#7 – The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Ocarina of Time actually looks fantastic with no modifications except increasing the internal resolution. Like many N64 games it’s carried by prioritizing strong art direction over raw fidelity, and it doesn’t hurt that it’s still one of the most enjoyable Zelda games to play.
#6 – Doom
If you’re any good at Doom, you’ll be moving too quickly to realize that most of the art actually looks a little weird on an HD screen. It doesn’t matter anyway, because you were going to play this every year to pretend it’s still 1992.
#5 – Super Mario World
The crisp pixel art from the SNES may have been intended to be seen on a CRT, but still looks great on an HD monitor. Super Mario World is still the best looking 2D Mario game, and your shiny 4K monitor will show you every sprite in fantastic detail.
#4 – Duck Hunt
What better game to play on your brand new monitor than one that won’t even work? That’s right, NES Zapper games do not work on modern displays! Relying on the dependable timing of a CRT television to know if you shot a duck, it will not work correctly on your new monitor, and you will be very disappointed to learn that.
#3 – Goldeneye 007
Goldeneye has some of the jankiest first person controls ever made, and it has character models that some will lovingly call ‘low-poly’ and ‘charming.’ It actually looks pretty terrible, but so do the old James Bond movies, so it’s just being accurate to the source material.
#2 – Street Fighter II
Street Fighter II is a classic fighting game that you’ll sit down to play at home and realize you weren’t actually ever any good, it’s just that all the other kids at the arcade were a little bit worse. At least the pixel art looks nice.
#1 – Chrono Trigger
Chrono Trigger is the best looking SNES game and also the best turn-based RPG ever made. It is absolutely gorgeous, with timeless pixel art that perfectly captures the personalities of the characters through animation, and a fantastic soundtrack that will sound terrible through your monitor’s built-in speakers. The Steam release got patched to remove that terrible upscaling filter, so you can play it on your PC exactly the way you remember it.
DENVER – Eyewitness reports this morning confirmed that a festive, paper-clad loot box under the Christmas tree was found to contain an ugly cosmetic completely unsuitable for public use.
“I hope you like it, dear,” your mother reportedly said, poorly hiding the excitement in her voice. “I finally found a use for those extra Macy’s rewards points and I wanted to get you something that I knew you’d wear. It’ll go so nicely with those Doc Marvins you’re always clomping around in, though I do sometimes wish you’d wear something a little more professional. Maybe we could go to the mall soon and I can help you pick out a new outfit – I’ve got Kohl’s Cash I need to spend before January.”
Family members reportedly averted their gaze as they watched you unwrap and nervously display the brownish-green cosmetic item for everyone to see.
“Jeez dude,” said your sister under her breath. “You’re not gonna be able to wear that anywhere, at least not in public or somewhere your photo might get taken. Hell, I wouldn’t want to be caught in the background of someone else’s photos in that, let alone your own family’s. Still, though, Mom is right–you need to stop dressing like a 2000s punk that feels somehow liable for Hot Topic’s financial wellbeing.”
Friends eventually saw you begrudgingly equip your new item in family photos shared on Facebook, offering their opinions on the matter.
“That thing looks worse than the Santa cosmetics that were given out just for logging into ‘World of Warcraft’ last Christmas,” said one friend. “Sorry that you actually have to wear that–what a bad pull. Maybe next year you could spend a little more time grinding the season pass by calling your mom during peak weekend hours; I’ve heard the earned rewards are a lot better if you’re willing to put the time in.”
Your father, who remained quiet during the whole ordeal, was observed sitting through the awkward exchange in a revolting, patchwork cosmetic gifted last year.
PHILADELPHIA — In an attempt to catch Santa Claus in the act, a local child tiptoed down the stairs on Christmas Eve only to find the entrance to the living room replaced with an ominous fog gate, sources report.
“My first thought was, oh man, oh man, this is it,” said Hunter Sylas, a 12 year-old boy who claims he simply couldn’t resist waking up to see Santa. “But what’s with the fog? I hear chuckling and the jingling of bells on the other side, but I can’t really see Santa. The fog was a little scary, but mom always said to be brave and git gud, so I took a deep breath and traversed the white light!
“Santa looked a little different than I expected, if I’m being honest,” continued Sylas, who reportedly entered the fight wearing three year-old pajamas despite the Christmas sweater armor set his grandmother gave him boasting superior stats, without compromising his fast roll.
“For one thing, he didn’t wear any glasses, and his gloves were black instead of white. For another, he was clinging to the top of our Christmas tree with his limbs bent backward, sucking our rainbow-colored bulbs into his mouth like sausage links. He was seven feet tall and when he noticed me, he slithered down to the floor on all fours, swinging his wriggling present sack above his head like a flail and roaring so loud you could see coal burn in his dead eyes.
“That’s when his health bar appeared.”
Hunter’s 26 year-old brother, Noah Sylas, was reportedly also witness to the unprecedented scene.
“I knew something was wrong the second I heard the melancholic choir chanting coming from the living room,” said Noah, referring to Santa’s oppressive yet tragic boss theme “Carol of the Hells.”
“I run down the stairs and when I see that fog gate, my heart drops. Like, that’s my little brother in there. He’s growing up too fast. He’s going up against Nicholas, Saint of Cinder, totally under-leveled.
“It’s not right. The entire living room was blocked off, so Hunter couldn’t even rest at a Fireplace before going in. I just wish I could help, you know? Teach him when’s the best time to heal or how to strafe right to avoid Santa’s grab attack, like mom used to teach me… but I can only watch as Hunter whiffs a parry and gets thrown into the sack for a crazy amount of Jolly buildup.”
“I move to the top of the stairs so I can see better into the arena, and that’s when I spot it: mom’s summon sign by her stocking. Hunter and I lock eyes in that moment, and I give him a nod: It’s okay. Do it. He touches the sign, and suddenly mom’s phantom appears out of nowhere in full knitted armor sporting the tankiest bleed build I’ve ever seen, and the fight is on!”
The mother and son pair reportedly managed to whittle Santa’s health down to zero, at which point the mad old man collapsed before a strange red glow seemed to momentarily restore the Christmas legend to his senses— a flash of lucidity in the darkness.
“Aah, he says. You were at my side, all along. My guiding sleigh light. That’s when Rudolph bursts through the living room window and it becomes this tedious gank fight, you know: dodge the new sleigh attacks, avoid Rudolph’s AoE slams, and pick off any elves that spawn from the dropped sack,” said Hunter.
“With mom and me, that second phase was easy. Noah joined us as soon as the fog gate went away, and we all hugged and stomped on Santa’s glitchy ragdoll like we used to. It was a Christmas miracle. Praise the mum!”
At press time, the Sylas siblings were reportedly collaborating on a good ranged build which Hunter plans to use in future invasions by the Tooth Shade, Mistress of Mouths.
IRVINE, Calif. — Blizzard executives announced a new feature for World of Warcraft: Classic Hardcore that adds a father figure who comes to your house and disconnects your internet when you’ve stayed up too late.
“We are so excited to introduce a new difficulty option that lets players experience ‘World of Warcraft’ as they remember it, with the permadeath mechanic attached,” said Executive Producer of World of Warcraft Holly Longdale. “This new father feature is guaranteed to take you back to late-night gaming at your parents’ house, creating a tension unlike anything you’ve ever felt in ‘Warcraft.’ We expect to see posts about your level 60 Hunter dying to some random mobs in Dustwallow Marsh, ruining a whole night of progress. Out of bed? Now you’re dead!”
“In addition to the standard version of the feature, we’ll be adding some DLC dads further down the road, really forcing gamers to stay on their toes. My personal favorite is the disappointed father who yanks the WiFi router out of the wall while loudly grumbling to himself in your living room. One of them will even make a TV dinner in your kitchen after cutting the ethernet line with a hedge trimmer.”
Excitement about the new feature has swelled, with many passionate gamers offering their thoughts.
“It’s something I never knew I wanted, but now I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities. Ever since I was kicked out of the house, playing ‘WoW’ hasn’t really felt the same,” said Blizzard fan Remy Robertson. “Now It’ll be like how I used to play: staying extremely quiet, turning the lights off, and lightly pressing the keys on my keyboard so my dad doesn’t notice I’m still gaming at 11:06. I might even cover the screen and myself in a blanket, assuming this dad feature is sensitive to light. But, If a disconnect does happen, I’ll probably have to call the guy and cuss him out to really feel immersed in the game.”
Some well-known figures in the World of Warcraft community, like prominent Twitch streamer Asmongold, are skeptical.
“Listen, if you only had your internet cut out by your parents for staying up too late, you never really experienced WoW, you know?” Asmongold posted on a WoW forum. “Parents will cut that crap for any reason, like bad grades, bad mood, bad tax return. You never know. That dad feature should cut the internet at any time, randomly. THAT’S how it should be. Not a fan of this change from the original.
At press time, rumors were circulating that Blizzard might also add a mother figure who would complain about the player’s lack of time spent outside.
CORUSCANT – As part of an increased effort to strengthen their connection to the Force, the Jedi Council has announced their intentions to enforce a NoFap lifestyle among their ranks to improve Force sensitivity, sources within the Jedi Temple claim.
“When a Padawan masturbates, they expel nearly all the midichlorians within their body in one fell swoop. Clearly, this is not the will of the Force” said Jedi Master Ki-Adi-Mundi, who claims his own phallic visage has nothing to do with his staunch support of NoFap. “The Jedi Council will no longer sit back and allow Sith infiltration, Sith indoctrination, Sith subversion, and the Galactic Sith conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”
The proposal, drafted by Master Mundi, will codify into Jedi law a ban on both masturbation and the procurement, distribution, and enjoyment of pornographic holocrons throughout the Order.
“Let me get this straight. We can’t have wants, we can’t have feelings, we can’t have love, and now we can’t even jerk off? I’ve never felt closer to joining the Dark Side” said disgruntled Jedi Knight Glup Shitto while eating a heaping helping of Nimodian beef shanks in the Temple’s cafeteria.
“Even the fucking clones are allowed to rub one out. I’ve seen them do it! Their impressive biceps tensing up and flexing as they do. Their perfect tanned skin glistening from the sweat they produce as they pleasure themselves…
“All I can say is that from my extensive personal experience, there’s more than one way to let the Force flow through you.”
While the Jedi Order itself seems torn by the proposal, Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine has expressed support for the endeavor. “During these trying times, whatever makes our wise protectors stronger with the Force is undoubtedly necessary,” said Palpatine during an address to the Senate.
“And it may be true that the Sith Order has no issue at all with masturbation and, in fact, even encourages it. That surely will have no effect on any uncertain Jedi fed up with their strict lifestyle. Have you ever heard the tale of Darth Stilmulus the Girthy? It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you.”
At press time, the entire Jedi Council has pledged themselves to a NoFap lifestyle in solidarity with the new policy with the notable exception of Master Kit Fisto, who has defected to the Separatist Alliance in protest.
EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Disney and Pixar Studios are being forced to produce a sequel to Inside Out after being notified by their lawyers that their copyright over the five emotions present in the film would soon expire, according to a press release from Disney CEO Bob Iger.
“Unfortunately Disney’s never been very good at keeping ownership over IP, so we will need to work fast,” said Iger.
“It is very important to keep the basic concept of emotions under the Disney umbrella so that we can continue to bring you Joy and Sadness like no other company is legally allowed to. Thanks to our ownership, you are able to have all the Fear and Disgust you want while at one of our parks. Get ready for our newest Disney brand emotion, Anxiety!”
Disney’s lawyers explained the ownership details.
“Disney only possesses the notion of feeling Joy, Disgust, Sadness, Fear, and Anger. Emotions such as Envy and Greed are still in the public domain. Do not attempt to create your own Sadness, as you will be swiftly faced with an infringement lawsuit,” explained one lawyer.
“The same copyright goes for other concepts-turned-Pixar-movies owned by Disney such as elements, the existence of souls, and red pandas.”
Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was very disappointed to learn that Disney was retaining the rights.
“We here at the WB would’ve loved to have more emotions in our films. Unfortunately, we only own the rights to having Shame, Boredom, and Horniness in our movies,” Zaslav said when interviewed on the subject.
“It would have been great to have Joy appear in Space Jam 3 to play basketball with Tony Soprano and Xavier Renegade Angel, but it’s seeming like we’ll have to shelve that idea.”
Disney is also attempting to obtain the rights to the emotion Disappointment, which will be making a cameo in the next Simpsons Disney Plus short.
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