Come inside and take a seat. My name is Gregory Van Larson, The Gamer Psychologist.

Recently I conducted an experiment to see if one could really fall in love with a soulless collection of polygons just because it has a name and a face. While this experiment was a smashing success as I found the love of my life in Shadowheart of Baldur’s Gate 3, my soon to be Ex-wife Veronica has deleted my game data and thus separated me from my beloved.

So today to fill the void I am conducting a new experiment In Final Fantasy VII Remake to find a new manic pixel dream girl to obsess over while my son’s nerdy friend Jason tries to resurrect my BG3 save data.

If I remember from the original game there’s a big dating scene halfway through at the Golden Saucer so I’m pretty sure sparks gonna fly one way or another.

Unfortunately for this experiment I am unable to craft my own avatar to go about my quest for romance, I must use this emotionless shell of a man, Cloud Strife. He has a pretty big sword though so hopefully that will subliminally trigger arousal in everyone around me.

As the game begins it seems Cloud only cares about one thing, money. And while I can relate to that feeling heavily as I am one to squeeze every ounce of cheddar from my useless non contributor clients, I’m really going to need him to “rizz it up” or whatever it is the kids say these days.

Jessie

Right off the bat we meet Jessie, who seems to be a capable young explosives expert. Really she’s a terrorist but podody’s nerfect. After a few chapters of this increasingly dower game she has me accompany her to her parents house. Which entailed me waiting outside while getting essentially pizza cucked by Biggs and Wedge until it was time for me to sneak in the back and rob her bedridden father.

Alright well weird first date but she sure seems grateful, alright Cloud let’s try and close the deal.

Well now there we go Cloud! Look at you getting the girl without even trying. Perhaps I misjudged you Cloud. Maybe when I get my boat back I’ll rename it The Sea Strife or something.

Pardon? Excuse me?!?! What the hell, Cloud? This girl is cute as can be and she is throwing herself at us and those are your responses? Veronica has taken everything from me, Cloud do you understand? She’s trying to take away my boat! I need this!

Alright moving on from that abysmal display from our “hero,” let’s talk about Tifa.

Tifa

Tifa is the kind of girl any one of my mouth breathing patients would die for. Which is the sort of thing Cloud would do in a heartbeat. Not due to any sort of carnal attraction but just because they grew up together and have a long history together.

Death would save Cloud from having to address any feelings they may obviously have between each other. It’s the kind of thing I never hear my patients dealing with because they’re losers who can’t pull absolute hotties like Tifa as it were..

She comes into my room late at night and Cloud can’t even be bothered to stand up or properly greet her, or take off all his clothes and tell her how badly he’s always wanted her. He just sits there moping. dreaming about some silver fox with a big sword. Not the same kind of big sword as Cloud’s though.

You see Cloud’s sword is fairly long but more thick than anything and his apparent rival, Sephiroth has a long skinny one. It’s all very Frudian or whatever. Freudian? Freudian? I’m not quite sure which. That part of my psychological studies is kind of a blur. Veronica and I did a lot of acid back then. But I digress, it’s the penis theory guy, you know the one.

Later while traveling with Aerith, who we’ll discuss in a moment, we find Tifa being taken to a Don Corneo to be his new bride. Sure why not? Even though I’m the one with three PhDs and a psychiatry office that IGN once wrote was “Perfectly fine if you don’t mind the smell of cherry tobacco and too much incense.” I’m sure Don corneo is a real mensch.

He is not.

So it’s sort of at this point where our possible budding romance with Tifa and our next subject who’ve just mentioned, Aerith, merge. You see, in order to save Tifa from this disgusting man Cloud must pimp out Aerith, and to my surprise, himself, so all three can be judged by Don Corneo.

At this point I’ve completely lost track of the plot of this game. Am I still a terrorist? What happened to Jessie? Am I wrong for thinking Cloud belongs with any of these women?

Do I call Veronica and apologize, pleading with her to let me take her out on The Shadow Sailer, just us on the open water doing tabs of acid like the good ol days? No, I can’t. She doesn’t deserve my love, there has to be someone else.

Perhaps I’ve been going about this all wrong and I should have asked out Barrett. He’s got big powerful arms that could hold me and take care of me. Besides, Tifa may not be worth saving after all.

It’s a dress and a couple braids Tifa. You’ve known this man since you were children. It was at this point I started wondering if it was too late to beg Veronica to take me back.

Also I’m really starting to worry this Golden Saucer date may never come.

Aerith

Aerith is gorgeous and perfect and sweet as can be and Cloud refuses to let me love her. At this point I’m not surprised. Perhaps Cloud just needs someone cold and devoid of any joy in their heart like him. Maybe I should introduce him to Veronica? Maybe he would prefer Veronica.

We meet Aerith once at night in town fleeing some invisible monsters and then again after falling through the ceiling of an old church where she hires us to be her bodyguard in exchange for a date, A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH FOR CLOUD STRIFE!

Of course after saving this girl from danger multiple times in one day she predictably ends up in my rippling Mako powered arms and as I gaze at her with nothing but admiration and love and she gazes back, Cloud quickly puts her down and then executes a Limit Break death blow on my boner.

Aerith takes us back to her suspiciously nice home to meet her mother who makes us dinner and suggests I stay the night. Alas, any blood that rushed to my penis immediately dissipates as her mother demands I leave in the middle of the night and promise to never see Aerith again. And, to my dismay, Cloud agrees.

I hate this man so much. Why is he like this? How bad is the life of a SOLDIER that any attention at all is met with such hostility. Is Cloud gay? Asexual? Does he just hate me? I see a flashback of his mother asking him to settle down with a nice girl. She must be so disappointed.

As I slink out of Aerith’s home at night and attempt to find my way back home, I find Aerith has also snuck out to help get me there safely. Of course this night walk together is far from romantic despite mine and Aerith’s best efforts.

As we’re almost home we find Tifa being taken into Wall Market which apparently is the fun sexy sector, and suddenly I once again have hope. Tifa is dressed much more provocatively, and Aerith is even interested in going after her. Has this all been leading to something more? Cloud, you sly dog, you’ve just been holding out for a threesome, huh? Could I possibly take them both on the date? I wonder if I can get Jessie in on it too?!

But of course these hopes are dashed. Picking up where we left off with Tifa, it’s time for Cloud to sell Aerith’s body as well as his own for a chance to be Don Corneo’s new bride and save Tifa. Look, I’m just happy something interesting is happening. Even if it makes zero sense.

It was at this point in the playthrough I was informed by my son’s Mtn Dew addicted friend Jason that the Golden Saucer date scene isn’t even in this game. The closest thing to romance I can get from this pointless experience is a cutscene at the end where Aerith tells me not to fall in love with her.

Why bother finishing the game now? Even if Sephiroth wanted to smash, I know Cloud would indubitably pass. At this point I wasn’t even angry, just empty. Like so many of my complete waste of space patients I was in a deep depression from which there seemed to be no escape. I couldn’t even hop in my boat and sail away because of that wench, Veronica.

However, there was one more potential partner in Cloud’s life I was just meeting.

Andrea Rhodea

So Andrea Rhodea is an eccentric nightclub owner who challenges Cloud to a dance off and then gives him a makeover for free. So he’s Daddy essentially.

So reluctant Cloud, while being terrified of more beautiful women, is transformed into one himself by this gorgeous man.

Now I have hinted at, it but perhaps I’ve been avoiding some obvious signs and Cloud Strife just isn’t attracted to women.

At this point I would have loved nothing more than to see Cloud make sweet, passtionate love to Andrea right then and there but alas, it does not happen.

While Cloud is clearly slaying and serving lewks, he is having an awful time doing it apparently. Immediately upon leaving the stage he is cold and angry with Aerith when she tells him how pretty he is.

It’s just so frustrating! All these girls have been nothing but sweet and kind to him and all they want is the time of day. Now this incredible man shows Cloud a different side of himself through dance and women’s clothing, and he can’t even muster up one smooch.

Look at this bastard ignore me. When all I wanna do is get him out of that dress and into mine.

In Conclusion

There’s three things I learned doing this experiment.

1. I love Aerith.
2. Always sign a prenup
3. Cloud Strife sucks, and I hate him

So many of my idiot patients talk about how obsessed they are with Tifa or Aerith but they fail to mention how unobtainable they are as virtual girlfriends through the vessel of Cloud Strife. Am I really expected to play a whole new remake of another third of a PS1 game? Or do I just play the original FFVII and try to sustain an erection while looking at blocky, unattractive, old-ass character models? Either way I’ll have to play as this total dweeb so I think no thanks. I’m just going to reconnect with my one true love instead, Baldur’s Gate 3.