Ranking the Games I Bought on Black Friday by How Likely I Am to Ever Play Them

Posted on by Matt Fresh

Black Friday might as well be a holy day for us gamers. It’s the time of year when prices finally go down and we can rationalize getting more video games instead of bettering ourselves. It’s a sale, after all, and we’re getting a deal. No matter how many games we’re still currently playing, not buying more on Black Friday is a slap in the face to the consoles that love us more than our distant parents ever will. So to help me manage my time better, I’ve decided to rank all the games I bought on sale based on how likely it is that I’ll ever play them.

#12 — Redfall

HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But to be serious, I just needed a spare Xbox game case.

#11 — Everybody 1-2-Switch

I’m not gonna lie, this was a last-minute impulse purchase. I saw the cover with the horse head guy and thought it was a sex thing and having recently watched Eyes Wide Shut I thought this could improve my chances to get invited to an orgy. I’ve since learned that it’s just a mediocre collection of mini-games that you have to play with other people, with no sex involved whatsoever. Since I’m a games writer, I have no IRL friends to play this with even if I wanted to, and if I’d rather not be waggling my joy-con alone at home all day. Hard pass.

#10 — Gran Turismo 7

To be honest, I’m not a fan of Gran Turismo. I’m a Forza guy. The last Gran Turismo I bought was Gran Turismo Sport and I returned that within a week. I might try this out eventually to see if it will make me a fan of the series, but I doubt it will. What I really bought this for is an emergency preparedness plan for if I ever become destitute. Should that ever happen to me, I will simply play this game for a bit. That will make me a better professional driver than anyone in the world, at which point I will prove to David Harbour that I’m not just some loser gamer and he’ll coach me to victory in the Le Mans race.

#9 — Hogwarts Legacy

This is another game I didn’t set out to buy. I heard there was a Nerf video game so I asked the dude at GameStop for that but I guess he misheard me and gave me the Terf video game instead. He threw it in the bag with all the other games so I didn’t notice until it was too late. I’ve never really been a big Harry Potter fan to begin with. I didn’t read the books as a kid, and I only saw the first movie which I didn’t like. All I know about it is that it’s popular enough for people to play polo while pretending to be flying on broomsticks without getting beaten up. The gameplay looks okay, but not something that stands out over the hundreds of other games I have in my daunting backlog. I might boot it up one day just to create a trans character and see if the game somehow crashes.

#8 — Dead Space

The main thing holding me back from playing this is the winter season. It gets dark really early now, and there’s no way I’m gonna play this while it’s dark out. I simply don’t have that many pairs of underwear to go through and I don’t want to do laundry all the time. By the time we change the clocks back to a reasonable hour, I may forget I even own this. Maybe if John Carpenter stops smoking weed and playing Assassin’s Creed long enough to make a Dead Space movie, that will be the reminder I need, but until then, there are simply too many variables.

#7 — Dreamworks All-Star Kart Racing

All hail the return of the mediocre licensed kart racer! A staple of my childhood has made its long-awaited return and I couldn’t be more excited. Now, I already own Mario Kart 8 and so do all my friends so there’s no way anyone is gonna play this with me unless I Buffalo Bill them, which I really would rather not do. I just want to feel like a kid again. I want to be transported to a time when cash grabs were enough to keep me entertained for hours at a time. Who needs therapy when you have terrible games that remind you of the innocence of your youth? So while in all likelihood I’ll never end up touching this, I may try it out solo just for my own sake. Then again, trapping my friends in a well until they play it with me doesn’t sound too bad.

#6 — Immortals of Aveum

This is the most “fake game from a movie” I’ve ever seen. The whole thing looks like a tech demo. Even the cover art looks like something from a fake poster in a different game. Even the name seems fake. Immortals of Aveum is the title of an in-universe fantasy series in something that didn’t get clearance to mention Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones. If you asked ChatGPT to come up with a cool fantasy game, it would probably be something like this. So naturally, I must have it. I must know whether it will live up to how fake it looks, or if it will end up being kind of cool. With that in mind, I have every intention to play this eventually, but with so many other games to play, it’s possible this continuously gets bumped down the list for all eternity.

#5 — Paw Patrol World

Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, we’ll be there on the double

Whenever there’s a problem around Adventure Bay

Ryder and his team of pups will come and save the day

Marshall, Rubble, Chase, Chucky, Zuma, Skye

They’re on the way

Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, whenever you’re in trouble

Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, we’ll be there on the double

No job’s too big, no pups too small

Paw Patrol, we’re on the roll

So here we go

Paw Patrol, whoa

Paw Patrol, whoa, oh-oh

Paw Patrol

This game will be crap, will feature no challenge whatsoever and I’ll love every minute of its two-hour playtime.

#4 — Kirby’s Return to Dreamland Deluxe

I love Kirby and I’m sure you do too. He’s cute, he’s cuddly and he’s down to suck and blow literally anything and anyone. He can also kill God with relative ease and it’s nice to feel powerful in a video game sometimes. Kirby games are always charming, chill adventures. I’ve never played the original Kirby’s Return to Dreamland and have been meaning to get this for a while. I truly think it’s only a matter of time before I do get to this, but will all the other games I have to get through, it could be relatively soon or it could be years from now. It will happen eventually though. After all, video games are like relationships– sometimes you just need a big suck.

#3 — Starfield

Full disclosure, I have already played a bit of this on GamePass. When it first came out, I played it for five hours and stopped for other games. I fully planned to come back to it and that’s why I bought it. I love Bethesda games. I love their jank, I love their funny glitches, and I love exploring their worlds. I don’t care that they haven’t changed their design philosophy in two decades, I don’t care that every other game they release is Skyrim and I don’t care that Todd Howard most likely feasts on the souls of burned-out devs to maintain his youthful glow and cool pastor energy. I love Bethesda games and I’m sure I’ll love this.

#2 — Forspoken

No, Forspoken being ranked this high is not a joke, I am genuinely interested in playing this. It looks fun, I’ve always thought it looks fun. You can yell into your screen all you want about the dialogue, but I have a news flash for you: most video games, even the really good ones, have bad dialogue. The “Jill Sandwich” line from Resident Evil is celebrated among gamers, but this game having quips is supposedly a sin. I would say that’s maybe that’s because these quips are being delivered by a woman of color but gamers have never been known to show racial or gender bias so that couldn’t be it. I for one can’t wait to experience the exaggerated swagger of a black woman with magical bracelets.

#1 — Doki Doki Literature Club Plus

As much as I love playing games that have fun, dynamic gameplay, I also enjoy visual novels and this one just looks delightful. I’ve heard a lot of people praise this game over the years and it’s been on my radar for a long time. I’m super excited to play it because sometimes you just want to unwind and chill out with a cute dating sim. This looks like just the thing to help me destress. I can’t wait to play it and bond with all the characters, go on cute dates and just have a nice wholesome time. It’ll definitely help me wind down after a year of intense video games. I’ll probably even play it with my partner to try getting her into video games. She doesn’t really like them, she thinks they’re too dark and disturbing, but she enjoys cute innocent things like this so I think it’ll be a good gateway.

Ridley Scott Defends Decision to Have Napoleon Constantly Ripping a Juul

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — Earlier today, acclaimed director Ridley Scott lashed out at critics who complained that his recently released biopic of Napoleon Bonaparte inaccurately portrayed the French general-turned-emperor as a habitual user of electronic cigarettes.

“I’m sorry, were these critics alive and walking around in post-revolutionary France?” complained the octogenarian filmmaker. “Who’s to say that Napoleon wasn’t excusing himself to the bathroom every few minutes so he could hit his Juul, or putting his hand to his face in a mock-thoughtful expression while taking a sneaky pull right in the living room? Are they suggesting Napoleon Bonaparte couldn’t zero? These guys act like they were there to hear him explicitly say that, ‘whiff of grape,’ was referring to cannons rather than his favorite flavor of juice. I honestly hope these assholes die.”

Many moviegoers expressed their appreciation for Scott’s film, saying that it taught them a lot about the historical dictator.

“I never realized how relatable Napoleon was,” said Tim Fields, who noted that the movie was, “way less boring,” than Christopher Nolan’s “Oppenheimer,” which released earlier this year. “It was cool how he spent most of his time hitting his Juul while he played his Switch. None of my history teachers ever told me that Napoleon lost at Waterloo because he was too busy going for the dub in Fortnite, or that he agreed to the Louisiana Purchase because he had emptied the French Treasury to buy V-Bucks. I remembered that he had a girlfriend named Josephine or something, but I had no idea that she was an anime body pillow. The movie was seriously epic.”

Academics have largely declined to comment on the matter since Scott excoriated a history professor earlier this month for pointing out inaccuracies.

“Okay, sure, Napoleon choofed like a pro,” said Javier Wilder, a professor of European history at Dartmouth. “Is that what you want to hear? I got a threatening letter from Ridley Scott just for putting ‘Napoleon’ on my Letterboxd Watchlist. I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not on my Watchlist anymore. I don’t give a shit what’s in that movie. As far as I care, it’s all the Lord’s truth. Please don’t ask me any more questions.”

At press time, Scott revealed that the extended version of the film would feature four straight hours of Napoleon performing complicated vaping tricks.

Call of Duty MW3 Longshot Guide: LMG Longshot Distance

Posted on by Noah Hunter

The LMG class is one of the trickiest classes to make the most out of in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. With such intense recoil, it’s challenging to find a loadout that works and eliminates enemies with precision. Naturally, this can be an issue when you’re gunning for a longshot challenge. So, what’s the best course of action to get a longshot with an LMG in MW3? Here’s what you need to know.

LMG (Light Machine Gun) Longshot Distance in MW3

Call of Duty MW3 LMG Longshot

In order for a kill with an LMG to qualify as a longshot in MW3 it needs to be from at least 38 meters. This is a significant distance with a class like the Light Machine Gun. This gives it the same distance as the marksman rifle longshot and battle rifle longshots. Some maps will be easier than others, with certain maps like Rust being borderline impossible. Below, we’ve compiled some tips to assist you with longshots for LMGs. 

LMG Longshot Tips

We recommend focusing your attachments on both recoil and accuracy. The LMG naturally has a huge amount of recoil, but this can be combated with the right attachments. The same can be said for accuracy, which is a trade-off for the high fire rate of this gun. By attaching a grip, you can negate some of the recoil effects. In turn, this can allow you to earn longshots more frequently.

Additionally, you can look to modes like Ground War for more opportunities. Since players are so spaced out, you will have a much easier time aiming for enemies far away. Modes like Team Deathmatch encourage and enforce close combat encounters, so it can be challenging to get a 38-meter kill with an LMG there. It is also plausible to look at Hardcore game modes, as enemies can be killed with one or two bullets. 

To get to these longshot challenges, you will need to level up. Check out our weapon level-up guide here to gain levels quickly!

Call of Duty MW3 Longshot Guide: Marksman Rifle Longshot Distance

Posted on by Noah Hunter

The Marksman Rifle class acts as a nice in-between of the Assault Rifle and Sniper Rifle in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. This class is semi-automatic but keeps the precision and flexibility of an AR. So, what qualifies for a longshot with a Marksman Rifle? Here’s what you need to know. 

Marksman Rifle Longshot Distance in MW3

COD MW3 Longshot Marksman Rifle

A longshot is only triggered with a kill, so a hit will not suffice in this situation. The distance required for a longshot to count with the Marksman Rifle class is 38 meters. So, you will need to kill from at least 38m to earn a longshot with your MR. This is the same length needed for a longshot with an Assault Rifle, as well as the Battle Rifle longshots, so if you’ve finished that challenge, this one should feel familiar. 

MW3 Longshot Tips 

First, the optics attachment is essential. You should look for an attachment that has around 2x zoom or better. When aiming for longshots, standard optics are not going to cut it. You need the ability to see further across the map since longshots have to be from 38 meters or greater. Secondly, look to find attachments to steady the gun. While you won’t see recoil that is even close to that of the LMG, the steadier your gun is, the better your chances are for a clean longshot. 

Additionally, the mode you choose to play in is also quite important. You want to aim to play in modes like Ground War, which only puts players against each other in large maps. Team Deathmatch and Kill Confirmed do not consistently have many options for long-ranged weapons. So, it is best to look at Ground War if possible to earn longshots as fast as possible. 

If you’re looking to up your game in MW3, be sure to read up on how to lean with any weapon!

Call of Duty MW3 Longshot Guide: Battle Rifle Longshot Distance

Posted on by Noah Hunter

The Battle Rifle is a class that you might not be aware of in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. For rifles, most tend to think of either the Assault Rifle or Marksman Rifle, two other classes in the game. What sets the Battle Rifle apart is the long-ranged focus when compared to the Assault Rifle. That power will surely help you if you’re attempting to get a longshot with a Battle Rifle.

So, what methods should you use to earn longshots with this class, and how far do they need to be? We’ve compiled everything you need to know about these weapons below. 

BR Longshot Distance in MW3

The distance needed for a Battle Rifle kill to qualify for a longshot is 38 meters. This means that any kill past that point will count as a longshot kill. You won’t be able to kill from close with this gun, so you can choose to either shoot in automatic or semi-automatic. This is a bit long, but the sniper rifle longshot distance still dwarfs it.

MW3 Battle Rifle Longshot Methods & Tips

To earn longshots in MW3, there are a few standard rules of practice to follow. The most important is to customize your weapon. Naturally, the Battle Rifle has very high recoil and does not operate as smoothly as an Assault Rifle might. For this reason, you’ll want to stabilize the weapon alongside attaching a nice scope to seek out enemies across the map. 

Additionally, we recommend checking out the Ground War mode for the most consistent opportunities at getting longshots. The wide-open stretches of the map make for an easier time at nailing enemies from far away. Other modes like Search & Destroy can work for these kills, but you will not get as many consistent opportunities. If you’re not finding success on Team Deathmatch, you could also opt to try Hardcore since it only takes one to two bullets to kill enemy players.

Be sure to check out our aim assist settings guide for all the tips you need if you’re playing on console!

EA Announces Taylor Swift as Next Year’s Madden 25 Cover Athlete

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Well it’s official, EA has made their decision early on who will grace the cover of next year’s entry in the long running line of Madden Football games. Twelve time Grammy Winner, Taylor Swift, will hold the honor and she seems incredibly excited to have been chosen.

“I’m glad our lawyers could come to a reasonable agreement to avoid further legal action,” Swift said, when asked how she felt about EA’s decision. “I am the hottest ticket in town and me gracing NFL games free of charge is not something these scumbags can get used to. The cover is nice but I want cash.”

“Anyways it’s all about friendship and know my fans are gonna be so supportive when it comes out, I hear presales are already selling out, it’s really exciting!”

This is the first time a non-athlete other than John Madden himself has been chosen for the coveted spot, and the unorthodox selection was not lost on Swift, who is being featured before her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, has been possibly selected.

“Cool,” she said.

EA has also teased new features being added to Face of The Franchise mode next year. Taylor Swift will actually become a playable character through which the player can have experiences just liker her, such as chatting with Donna Kelce in luxury box seats, being quickly led out back hallways of stadiums to avoid paparazzi, and even the ability to customize touchdown celebrations when the camera cuts away from the scoring player to show you as Taylor!

“I’m really excited about the new features they’re adding to the game in collaboration with me,” Swift said enthusiastically, “I’ve even started working with them on sort of a reimagining of this years edition of the game, with my own sort of spin on it. We’re hoping to release an update of Madden 24, Taylor’s Version, ahead of next years release, so my fans can get an idea of what to expect.”

The news has already created much excitement among long-time Madden fans who have just been desperate for new features of any kind.

Epic Announces Kid-Friendly ‘Fortnite’ Mode That Removes Everything Except the Shop

Posted on by Matt Fresh

CARY, N.C. — On the heels of their poorly received update that made certain Fortnite skins age-restricted, Epic Games has announced a new way to make the game child-friendly. A new mode designed exclusively for kids called ‘KidZone’ featuring nothing except the item shop.

“We realize that our last update missed the mark,” explained Epic Vice President of Child Relations Chuck McDoogle. “We want kids to be safe but restricting skins was the wrong way to go about it. We had to do more to protect our young players.”

McDoogle says that he thought of his own children while coming up with ways to make the game a safer space for kids everywhere.

“My kids really inspired me to come up with a better solution to this. Between me being at the office all the time and my wife always being at her private pilates class, playing Fortnite is where most of their time goes. I had to make sure they wouldn’t be subjected to the horror of Spider-Man being gunned down.”

When designing KidZone, the team at Epic had tough choices to make when considering what they would leave in and what they would take out.

“Everyone knows kids love slaughtering their enemies but we had to figure out what they love as much or more and going through our data it hit us, spending their parent’s money. Kids maxing out parents’ credit cards on V-Bucks is one of the core pillars of the game.”

“It’s popular, it’s proven and it shields them from the more insidious aspects of the game,” McDoogle added. “Kids are not unlike cats or dogs, what really interests them the most is something shiny,”

Many older Fortnite players are excited about this mode as they feel it will also provide them with a better experience. One such player going by the Gamertag ‘slapnutz69’ explained,

“The kids having their own mode will be a really great way to curb harassment. With them in their own mode, they won’t be able to yell slurs at us older players.”

At press time Epic does not have an official release date for this mode but McDoogle confirms that it will definitely be after the holiday sale season.

Superhot Player Prevents Fight with Parents About Employment Status by Standing Absolutely Still

Posted on by Connor Telford

WICHITA, KS – According to reports Lewis Platt froze in his kitchen on Sunday night when his parents, Joan and Harold Platt, asked him about his ongoing job search.

“He told us several weeks ago that he was applying for a job at our local delicatessen,” Mrs. Platt laments. “But when I asked him about it last night, he just froze. He won’t react to anything.”

“We don’t know if he’s made any progress, but he’s been spending a lot of time on his computer lately playing this game called Superhot,” adds Mr. Platt. “I’ve never heard of it, and neither has anyone in my office. The other guys, their kids are all playing that Counterstrike or Fortnite. Meanwhile, my kid is some weirdo game – embarrassing.”

Mrs. Platt rolls her eyes. “I don’t see how that’s relevant, Harold.”

Mr. and Mrs. Platt have tried several methods of getting a reaction from Lewis. “We waved our hands, we baited him with a Nutter Butter, Harold made fart noises… nothing. No matter what we do, he won’t move. And we tried for hours,” sighs Mrs. Platt. “We were worried he was catatonic, but when we were heading to bed last night, I heard his signature thunderous footsteps and the toilet flushing. Once I’m tucked in, I’m done for, and Harold’s slow on account of his knee replacement. By the time he got downstairs, Lewis was right where we left him.”

Mr. Platt shrugs. “I’m not worried. He has to shower eventually.” Mrs. Platt doesn’t seem to agree.

According to his parents, Lewis is very non-confrontational. “He loves his alone time in his room,” Mr. Platt mentions. “That’s why I think he’d make a great boss. My boss’ door is always closed whenever I try to meet with him, and I always think ‘my kid could be him one day.’”

Mrs. Platt has tried to physically move Lewis out of her kitchen with no success. “I think he Gorilla Glued his feet to the kitchen floor while we were sleeping,” she says, shocked. “He knows how expensive that tiling was. When he gets that delicatessen job, I’m making him pay for it. Our friend upstairs knows he doesn’t pay for anything else,” she scoffs.

Tensions were bubbling over Lewis’ job search before this confrontation, but Lewis only wanted to talk about one thing. “He just kept saying that Superhot was the most innovative shooter he’d played in years,” recalls Mr. Platt. “Maybe I should enlist him in the army. That’d give me something to be proud of.”

As of this article’s publication, Lewis is still in the Platts’ kitchen, unresponsive but still standing. Joan last noticed his head tipping forward before bolting upright again. This article will be updated as more information becomes available.

UPDATE: Lewis’ delicatessen application has been found by his computer. It is blank except for his name and home address.

Each of the Times We Pitched Tim Sweeney on Adding Tony Soprano to ‘Fortnite’

Posted on by Lobster Jackson

It’s pretty safe to say that Fortnite is a massively popular worldwide phenomenon at this point. Known for its collaborations with major brands and its inclusion of celebrities, athletes, and characters from other IP, it has always had one glaring flaw. One massive, gaping hole that anyone with eyes could see needed to be filled.

Fortnite needs Tony Soprano.

Despite general acclaim as the greatest and most important television show of all time, the HBO series The Sopranos has, to this point, earned no representation in the Epic Games moneymaker. That this missing link has persisted is through no lack of trying on our part, however. Here is every time we’ve pitched Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney on adding the show’s leading man Tony Soprano to Fortnite.

#1 — At his favorite North Carolina barbecue joint

We happened to be near Epic Games headquarters for totally, completely, absolutely unrelated reasons and were grabbing a quick bite at Smokin’ Joe’s BBQ when Tim popped in to order his go-to power lunch: a hot dog sliced into cubes. A cube dog.

“Mr. Sweeney, sir, pardon the interruption,” we charmingly said. “Have you ever thought about adding Tony Soprano, from the HBO Original Series The Sopranos, to your most excellent video game Fortnite? We think it would be a real hoot.”

“Ha ha, yeah,” he chuckled sheepishly. “We’ll look into that.”

#2 — In our dreams (it counts)

One night, after enjoying a little too much baked ziti, we dozed off peacefully but unexpectedly found ourselves face-to-face with Furio, the show’s menacing Italian-from-Italy enforcer.

“Fortnite, they no have Italians. Stupid-a fucking game,” he growled.

We turned to Tim Sweeney, housecat-sized and perched on our lap, and nodded in solemn agreement.

“You know what intellectual property has plenty of Italians, Tim? The HBO Original Series The Sopranos,” we said to him soothingly while tenderly stroking his fine mane. “Who’s the prettiest boy? Who’s our prettiest boy? You are. Yoouuuuu arrrre. You’re gonna put Tony Soprano in Fortnite, arntcha? Arntcha? Yeah, because you’re our prettiest boy.”

Tim purred in response, which we wrongly interpreted as a positive sign.

#3 — On an airplane

We happened to be on the same Delta flight out of Raleigh as Tim and, would you believe it, we were seated right next to him! The Gabagool Gods were smiling upon us that day! Or so we thought.

“Mr. Sweeney! Hi, hello. Have you given any more thought to adding Tony Soprano to Fortnite? We think he’s a perfect fit. Remember how he shot Matthew Bevilacqua a bunch of times? So cracked! Or when he beat Ralphie to death for killing the horse? Bro, come on, how perfect would he be in Fortnite.”

We noted dozens of other examples of Tony Soprano’s general fighting prowess and suitability for the game during that 50-minute flight, but Tim pretended he couldn’t hear us with his headphones on, even though they weren’t plugged into anything.

#4 — In a friendly and not-at-all threatening old-timey telegram

“Messrs. Sweeney, et al., c/o Epic Games -(STOP)-

Your urgent attention is demanded. -(STOP)-

Production of moving-picture FORTNITE is advised to halt for a period such that one Soprano, Tony, be added to cast. -(STOP)-

Fiduciaries considered in breach until such time as matter is rectified. -(STOP)-

Attorneys retained and prepared to pursue all avenues. -(STOP)-

Think well of party mentioned, this is a matter of great importance. -(STOP)- “

#5 — With the help of Werner Herzog

Looking for any advantage we could find, we enlisted the help of legendary director and avowed video game enthusiast Werner Herzog to record a video message making our case.

“Tim Sweeney. I have a sense that you are an empty man. Your games do not tell stories because you only possess the power to destroy, not create. Your very existence is a foul affront to God, and you know this. Salvation is impossible.

“While you await the eternal void, I would like to play as Tony Soprano in your Fortnite game.”

#6 — At Unreal Fest

Drastic times called for drastic measures. We bamboozled Tim at Unreal Fest, the crowning event in the Epic Games annual calendar, this time armed with detailed focus group data and market research showing that licensing Tony Soprano for use in Fortnite would be a win for all parties involved. Surely no reasonable man could turn us away, not after the tens of thousands of dollars we spent collecting this data!

“Sir, please, just one more moment of your time, this data clearly shows—”

“Are you from Apple?! You’re legally required to tell me if you’re from Apple,” he shrieked before sprinting (more of an awkward gallop, really) away.

Long story short, no dice. But we remain undeterred. One day, we will wake up with a blue moon in our eyes, and Tony Soprano will be available for a very reasonable amount of V-Bucks. Tim, if you’re reading, we know the licensing rights won’t be cheap, but lay off a few hundred more folks if you have to—this is more important.

Tic-Tac-Toe Middle Spot Nerfed In New Update

Posted on by Maric Maric

ROME — After much heated discussion, The International Tic-Tac-Toe League has confirmed they followed through with a nerf to the infamous middle spot in Tic-Tac-Toe.

“The middle square shall no longer be a valid option to choose to get your three in a row necessary to win,” says ITTTL spokesperson Ezra Cross. “While it will still be on the board it will not count for your needed three if you take a turn to put a mark inside.”

This choice has been met with mixed feelings among those in the Tic-Tac-Toe professional scene. The majority of people do like it, claiming “it was much too strong.”

“Frankly it was a steaming load of absolute BS,” says third grader Reese Chester, undefeated Tic-Tac-Toe champion of Ms.Truitt’s 2nd period at Williamson Elementary. “It needed to go, the meta was so unbearable. Whoever got to go first would always go for the middle and get a guaranteed win or draw.”

While Chester and many other Tic-Tac-Toe pros are appreciative of the new changes there are still some that detest them.

“Before I would always go for the middle and it would count for something. Now everytime I go for it nothing happens,” exclaims determined three time Tic-Tac-Toe World Cup winner Daniel Squares. “Everytime I go first I go right for the middle and every time it doesn’t count for one of my needed three. I mean what the hell?! What’s next? Are they gonna remove any of the spots counting for your three?”

At the time of writing not a single player has won a game of Tic-Tac-Toe since the new update as every single match has ended in a draw.