Toy Story 5 to Focus on Andy’s Funko Pop Collection

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Disney and Pixar Studios are excited to announce that the 5th installment of Toy Story will be focusing Andy’s Funko Pop Collection

Director and writer Andrew Stanton was excited to reveal the news this week about his upcoming sequel.

“We’ve worked really hard on this premise and we think we nailed down the perfect next step in the storyline,” Stanton reported. “As Andy has been aging alongside the audience, it only makes sense that he is now a 37-year-old Youtube Commentator with a wall of Funko Pops behind him. Woody and Buzz, despite parting ways with him in Toy Story 3, will find their way back into his life only to find themselves at odds with several collectable Funko Pops.”

The animation team behind Stanton is over the moon about this premise as well.

“As Pixar animators, we find ourselves working countless hours designing new characters and finding the most expressive way for them to convey emotion,” said animator Gerald Barone. “It’ll be a huge load off our back when we just have to use the exact same giant head model over and over for all of these new characters. No more weeks of trying to get the right facial expressions because we now get a break and just give everyone those black soulless eyes.”

Pixar CEO Jim Morris has given some hints about the casting.

“Funko Pops gives us the opportunity to bring in all types of media properties for this film. Ryan Reynolds will be Funko Pop Deadpool, Seth McFarlene will be Funko Pop Stewie Griffin, and Tom Hanks will be playing multiple characters including Funk Pop Forrest Gump and Funko Pop David S. Pumpkins. It’ll be a nice little wink to the audience when they interact with Woody,” Morris explained. “We will also be teaming up with Funko to create our special line of toys that will be slightly different from the already existing toys so that you can now own special Toy Story 5 brand Deadpool Funko Pops.”

This upcoming Toy Story movie is predicted to be enjoyed by kids and parents alike as well as teach children the valuable lesson of not touching daddy’s figurines.

Arnold Palmer’s Huge Dong to Be Cover Star of Next 2K PGA Tour Game

Posted on by Matt Fresh

NOVATO, Calif — While details on the game itself are still being kept under wraps, 2K has officially announced the cover star of the next installment of its PGA Tour game series. Arnold Palmer’s huge dong.

2K Representative Robert Garrett made the official announcement in a press release.

“As we gear up to release the next installment in the PGA Tour series we need a cover star who not only represents the sport but will also get people excited and draw in new gamers to the series. And after a long, hard discussion at 2K we made the decision that our cover star will also be long and hard. We are proud to announce that legend of the links Arnold Palmer’s penis will be gracing the cover of our next game.”

Garrett broke down what led to Palmer’s famously massive dong to be chosen to grace the cover of the game.

“Well for this entry, we really wanted to honor the history of the sport so we needed a legend amongst legends to grace the cover. While there are a lot of golfers who match that criteria, nothing in golf history is as legendary as Palmer’s huge hog. That thing would bring other legends of the sport to their knees in amazement. It was awe inspiring. And that’s what we want the cover to be, awe inspiring.”

Not much is known about the game yet but Garrett did reveal that in addition to being the cover star Palmer’s pythonic penis would also get its own showcase mode in the game.

“We want players to not just be a witness of the legendary penis but we want them to experience its place in golf history. In the Arnold Palmer’s Schlong Showcase mode players will get to relive historic moments throughout the career of Palmer’s gigantic genitalia. From 1955 to 1973 Palmer won 62 PGA Tours and players will get to relive each and every time he blew away his colleagues in the showers afterwards. It’s a great way to get players to learn about the history of the sport.”

At press time, Donald Trump had reportedly pre-ordered multiple copies of the game.

I Played an Early Build of Titanfall 3 in a Dream I Had Last Night

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES – It’s real, Titanfall 3 is real and I’ve played a full level of the campaign in a dream I had last night. Yes, it was a dream, but it was so real. Respawn Entertainment CEO, Vince Zampella, the entire workforce at Respawn, and you, the person reading this, were all there in my dream last night. 

“We wanted to up the scope of Titanfall 2’s campaign, so we added Titans for your Titans. After calling down a Titan, you can now call down an even bigger Titan that your Titan can pilot,” Zampella explained, while wearing the shit out of some cat ears. “We’ve heard the complaints from the last game, so this time around we’re adding a mom friendly mode where players can call their moms from their Titan, or their Titan’s Titan at any point in the campaign.”

The early campaign level I played through featured all the trappings we’ve come to love from the underappreciated series, including you dear reader, harping in my ear about how “EA treats the series terribly” and how “Titanfall 2 is on the level of Half-Life 2”. Zampella stabbed you to death before returning my attention to the demo.

“You’ll also notice we’ve completely taken all the sound out of this one. That’s right, you’ve got to make all your own noises,” Zampella explained, before imitating the sounds that should be in the game.”BOOM! KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK. Prepare for Titanfall. Zwoop THWOOOOOOOOMMMM DOOGE! BREEH. Titan online. BOOM BOOM BOOM.”

I joined Zampella, imitating his foley noises. I then looked across the space we were in. It looked like an outdoor food plaza mall-type thing, but it also didn’t look like any place you’d ever seen. I saw numerous Respawn employees. Some joined us in the noise making. Others wept, while wearing ripped clothing and playing with lightsabers. A man in a suit, at least, I think it was a man, his face was inhuman and incomprehensible, stood amongst the employees. He spoke to me, but his lips did not move.

“We’ve studied the market. People don’t want this,” the man’s words echoed through my head. “People want whatever we give them on FM radio, in the movie theaters, or on CBS’s prime time slot. The market has never been wrong. All hail the market. All hail the market. All hail the market.”

At press time, I woke up screaming in a cold sweat, but was able to put myself back to bed with the background noise of Big Bang Theory.

Sims Streamer Invited to Share Torture Techniques With IDF

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — The Israeli Defense Forces announced a new training regime involving studying techniques used by Sims streamer Erin Davies, who is known to her audience as “Simsinatti.”

“We’re always on the lookout for new methods to violate human rights,” said IDF spokesperson Aksel “Bodybags” Weizman. “Simsinatti has real talent. Not just for killing Sims. She’s got a real knack for drawing out their suffering. Keeping their needs on the very precipice of life and a visit from the Grim Reaper. It’d bring a tear to my eye if I were capable of feeling anything.”

This is the first in what the IDF hopes will be several courses studying gamers and their methods of violence.

“I got the invitation after my last sub-a-thon,” explained Davies. “I was seeing how long I could keep an entire family of Sims alive with one pizza, a single chair, and a TV blaring constant music. Managed to keep them going for six in-game days straight. The IDF said they were jealous of my record.”

“I’ve gotta admit, I was on the fence about giving this talk,” continued Davies. “However, considering my mom works at the nearby hospital and still carries a pager around, I figured the safest thing for everyone was for me to agree to this.”

The IDF’s proposed plan has been met with a significant amount of criticism, notably from several virtual life groups.

“This is just the latest stop on this torture train,” announced Wright to Life, an organization dedicated to promoting Sim rights. “It’s bad enough that Sims have been starved, electrocuted, immolated, and drowned by casual gamers. We don’t need sweaty tryhards getting involved.”

At press time, the IDF announced unexpected difficulties with the plan, explaining that they were used to victims who didn’t fight back.

Jimmy Carter Hanging in There to Pre-Order Metroid Prime 4

Posted on by Eric Bailey

PLAINS, Ga. — Former president and centenarian Jimmy Carter fulfilled his goal of voting for Kamala Harris in the 2024 American presidential election and has turned his focus to a new target: pre-ordering the long-awaited Nintendo game ‘Metroid Prime 4: Beyond.’

“We recognize the blessing and privilege to still have him with us,” said Carter’s granddaughter Margaret Alicia Carter. “He has lived a full life and is sure to leave a legacy of selfless civil service, noble pride in his American roots, and an unwavering dedication to first-party Nintendo titles. Grandma held out just long enough to complete her run of ‘Tears of the Kingdom,’ so it’s no surprise to us that grandpa has his sights set on a similar goal.”

Although the previous entry in the Metroid Prime series released in 2007, the fourth installment has undergone a series of setbacks, with some commentators speculating that it is in development hell.

“Nintendo already scrapped the whole project and assigned a different developer to start over completely, and that was back in 2019,” said Julie Valdez, a games writer at Wired. “Supposedly Prime 4 will now release in 2025, but my sources say they want to bookend it between ‘StarTropics 3’ and another couple dozen ‘Mario Kart 8’ tracks. There may be further delays down the line, as Nintendo has apparently devoted a large percentage of their workforce to localizing ‘Mother 3’ for Western audiences.”

While Carter remains undeterred despite Prime 4’s rocky development journey, he does admit to one other wish.

“I’m sure the Big N will get it done with Samus Aran’s next epic sci-fi adventure,” said the former president. “But I won’t truly die happy until we get a new Kid Icarus game. I’d even settle for a port of Uprising. C’mon, this Georgia peach wants his Pit.”

Carter was last seen entirely motionless, being fitted with a green arm cannon in preparations for the family Halloween party.

Top 10 Gaming Laptops That You’ll Never Actually Buy Due to Decision Paralysis

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

It’s hard to keep up with gaming’s most exciting releases if you don’t have a machine that can run anything more demanding than “Stardew Valley.” That problem is compounded if you don’t have the option of buying or building a desktop PC. If you’re in the market for a new gaming laptop, check out this list of machines you can research, post Reddit threads about, and maybe even add to your cart before deciding that you need to do just a little more due diligence.

Alienware m18 R2

This desktop replacement sure is tempting, what with its huge screen and top-of-the-line specs. Surely, this will be able to play any game you can imagine at very high settings. What more could you ask for? Then again, aren’t laptops supposed to be portable? Also, would your friends make fun of you for buying an Alienware product?

Asus ROG Zephyrus G14

Okay, so let’s prioritize portability. A 14-inch laptop would be easy to carry around in your backpack. Even without the ability to upgrade RAM, it’s got enough power to keep you happy. That is, if you want a teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy computer for babies. Are you a baby?

Asus ROG Zephyrus G16

Here we go: a mature gaming laptop that’s built for a big grown-up who doesn’t play games for babies. I mean, G16 is two better than G14, right? Wait, are the LEGO games for babies? Because you’re gonna want to play the LEGO games. Okay, maybe this wasn’t a super helpful framework for picking a laptop.

Razer Blade 15

Okay, maybe “no-nonsense” is a better way to look at this. You’re dead serious about gaming, no matter the title’s intended audience. You want a machine that is as serious as you. Well, the Razer Blade 15 certainly fits that description. You can inspect every centimeter of this laptop and you won’t find an ounce of nonsense. Honestly, it might be a little boring. Maybe too boring. Ugh.

Lenovo Legion Pro 7i (Gen 9)

A bunch of cool RGB lights ensure that no one would ever call your laptop boring. In fact, they’ll probably think it’s cooler than you. Your friends will start inviting your computer out and “forgetting” to call you. The worst part is you won’t even be able to game when you’re stuck at home, since your Pro 7i wouldn’t be there.

HP Spectre x360

Wait, I thought you said you wanted a gaming laptop—oh, no. Dude, your webcomic isn’t gonna take off. It’s not that you lack the right tools. It’s not even that you’re a terrible artist. It’s a dead medium. You have to accept that.

MSI Titan 18 HX

Holy shit. This thing is a beast. Sure, it might be almost eight pounds, but maybe that’s worth it to be able to say that you have the most powerful gaming laptop in the world. In fact, it’s almost definitely worth it. You know what? I think your search is—oh, fuck. It’s $5,000. Next.

Acer Nitro 16

Okay, budget options. The Nitro 16 is certainly no slouch when it comes to performance. It’ll probably run all of your favorite games just fine, even if it’s not as powerful as some of the beefier machines on this list. And yeah, it’s probably the responsible decision. But come on. Let’s just keep looking a little while longer, okay?

Just Start Picking out Components for a Desktop

Sure, it doesn’t fit your use case at all. Maybe you travel a lot, or you don’t have space in your home for a dedicated gaming area. Still, it’s fun to dream. Take a few minutes to play around in a virtual PC builder. Put together a build that would make Henry Cavill blush. It’s okay. We’ll be here when you get back.

Gigabyte Aorus 16X

This makes sense. It’s got some impressive specs and won’t destroy your wallet. You could live with this. You could even be happy with this. But wait—why did we say we didn’t like that Alienware laptop? I know the tab is still open around here somewhere….

Hyrule Ophthalmologist Fully Booked With Bosses Who Have Gigantic, Pulsating Eyes

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HYRULE — Local resident and certified ophthalmologist Tarrin has no openings for the foreseeable future due to an influx of appointments with bosses with gigantic, pulsating eyes, sources report.

“I don’t see this changing for at least the next six Blood Moons,” the doctor sighed while smoking a cigarette outside of his Hateno Village practice. “It’s not like I can turn away these patients. Look, I’m as disgusted as anyone about the chaos that’s been wrought upon our land since the Upheaval, and I definitely do not agree with Ganondorf’s politics, but what can I do? I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath to provide care to anyone who needs it, including his underlings.”

One of Tarrin’s boss patients offered to weigh in on condition of anonymity.

“I’m supposed to be at my post hiding under the floor of a nearby temple until someone can solve a series of puzzles that will unleash me, but I just had to get this looked at,” the boss said while pointing at a severely infected and swollen eye in the center of his forehead. “Doesn’t this look horrible? On the off chance that some brave Hylian swordsman notices this, I’m done for. It hurts like hell when I touch it, so I don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if it gets hit with an arrow.”

Kitu, a hopeful patient from Zora’s Domain, was distressed at her inability to book an appointment with Tarrin.

“Ugh, what am I going to do?” Kitu lamented. “My eyes have been so irritated since this black oil showed up in the water in my neighborhood. I’m pretty sure I have chemical conjunctivitis, but the receptionist at Tarrin’s office said they can’t take me anytime soon. The next closest ophthalmologist in my network is in Gerudo Desert, which definitely isn’t conducive to my skin type. I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and venture down there.”

At press time, the ordeal was exacerbated tenfold when someone agitated the chickens in Kakariko Village, driving them into a pecking frenzy that caused multiple eye injuries.

Shrinkflation Making It Impossible to Hide Razor Blades in Candy

Posted on by Jake Mooney

SALEM, MA — A recent change in the size of Hershey’s bars has made tampering with the candy an impossible task for resident weird guy Harold Stalk, frustrated sources confirmed.

“I’m just a little dumbfounded here,” Stalk vented his frustrations in his latest YouTube video on how Hershey’s shrinkflation has completely upended his purpose in life. “I’m the reason that urban legend even exists! Hiding razor blades in candy is literally the only thing that brings me joy! But now you can clearly see the blade poking out of the much-smaller chocolate. What am I supposed to do now?”

While blade-free candy sounds like more of a solution than a problem, local trick-or-treaters found that Halloween just doesn’t feel the same anymore.

“It really takes the thrill out of the whole experience,” Oliver Caramel, 7, commented on Stalk’s video. “It’s called ‘trick-or-treating’ for a reason, you know. The rush you get from blindly devouring your candy haul, not knowing if this chocolate bar will be your last, it really does something for me. It fills a void.”

After Stalk’s video went unexpectedly viral, Hershey responded with a statement of their own.

“We completely understand your frustration”, explained Hershey’s Senior Chocolate Economist, Monet Baggs. “We here at Hershey’s actually think this is a great thing. I mean think about it! Now the would-be lacers have to find new, innovative ways to tamper with their candy. We don’t see this as ‘shrinkflation’, rather an opportunity for a new generation of lacers to make their mark on the world. Feel free to share your new lacing methods with the hashtag #HersheysHalloween! The most revolutionary tamperers will be sent a candy care package, so long as they pay for shipping.”

At press time, Stalk uploaded a new video saying that his problems have been solved after Gillette razors also underwent shrinkflation, allowing the smaller blades to fit inside the smaller candy.

Tony Hawk Nervously Looks Left, Right Before Booting up “Skate 3”

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

SAN DIEGO — Skateboarding legend and philanthropist Tony Hawk was seen tiptoeing through his house in the dark of night, nervously looking to his left and right in order to make sure nobody was watching before booting up and playing “Skate 3” on his Xbox 360, sources confirm.

“Look, I get it. The guy needs to unwind sometimes, and who wants to be staring at their own polygonal face on screen whenever they do a virtual pop shove-it?” neighbor Bobby Allen said in a statement. “Sometimes it’s nice to not have to worry about your franchises and just do what you do best: show those freaking posers that you’re still the king, even in a video game.”

Local punk and skateboarder Kyle Fuller reacted to reports that, after making sure that no one was watching, Hawk breathed a sigh of relief, then looked around a second time to ensure there wasn’t anyone who could document him showing those “Skate” nerds a thing or two.

“Ok, like, sure, maybe the dude’s not coming down to the local half-pipes anymore, but he’s still the best,” said Fuller. “Sometimes at night the guys and I will pull up at his place with binoculars and just watch him go to town in Skate 3. Man, the dude’s still got it…uh, wait, don’t tell anyone I said that thing about the binoculars.”

According to Hawk’s spouse, Catherine Goodman, “Skate 3” is just a nice way for her husband to wind down after a long day, and that’s all there is to it.

“So he doesn’t play Pro Skater—big whoop! He’s still a Pro Husband, let me tell you. After a night of really going at it in the sack, he deserves to play whatever he wants,” Goodman said. “Why do you losers even care, anyway?”

At press time, Hawk was spotted putting on a helmet and knee-pads and downing a Red Bull before returning to the couch to absolutely clown on some in-game fools.