My Top 12 Indie Games from PAX West 2024

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

My primary complaint about the Penny Arcade Expo in Seattle (aka PAX West/PAX Prime) used to be that a bunch of big companies always stole all the oxygen. They’d set up on the fourth floor of the Washington State Convention Center with big-ticket demos and booth decorations left over from that year’s E3, while all the smaller publishers and indie studios got banished to the insufficiently-ventilated kids’ table that is the WSCC’s sixth floor.

Then COVID hit, PAX went virtual in 2020, and came back in 2021 with a dramatic vibe shift. Few big publishers seemed willing to jump back on the post-COVID American convention circuit, so an assortment of smaller studios and tabletop companies showed up to fill the gap.

Since then, PAX West has been more of an indie expo than anything else. A few AAA publishers made a comeback in 2024, like Capcom, Nintendo, and the Five Nights at Freddy’s team, but they were confined to their own side of the 4th-floor expo hall. The other half, separated by a skybridge, was devoted to an assortment of smaller games from all over the world. On top of that, there were, as usual, two separate off-site indie shows during the convention.

No one person could have seen everything that PAX had to offer, but I did the best I could. Here are 12 of the most interesting indies I saw at this year’s show, presented in alphabetical order.

Awaken: Astral Blade – Dark Pigeon Games/ESDigital Games

I had a weird experience with Awaken: Astral Blade, in that everything I tried to do in it worked immediately. It’s a fluid, fast-paced 2D Metroidvania that directly rewards you for styling on your opponents, with a combo system that’s more like Devil May Cry than anything else. You’re rewarded for taking an aggressive, freeform approach to each new fight, in a way that’s felt like it’s been out of style in action games for the last few years.

In Awaken, you play as Tania, an android who’s been dispatched on a rescue mission to the Horace Islands. A team of investigators has gone missing in the rainforest, due to a strange form of energy that’s transformed the local animals into hostile mutants.

According to one of its PR reps, Awaken is a Chinese indie game that was made with a grant from Sony. I’ll be the first one to tell you that it looks like it’s ripping off Nier: Automata, with its own white-haired, half-naked android swordswoman, but Awaken’s high-speed 2D combat sets it apart from its obvious inspiration.

Beastieball – Wishes Unlimited/Kiei Entertainment

“Volleyball really is a turn-based game,” Beastieball director Greg Lobanov told me at PAX. I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but he has a point.

Beastieball reunites Lobanov with artist Alexis Dean-Jones and composer Lena Raine, who previously made Chicory: A Wonderful Tale and Wandersong. Their newest game is something that even they will tell you is essentially Pokemon, but volleyball.

You’re an unnamed trainer who’s stumbled onto an island where all the native fauna love nothing more than to play their local sport Beastieball. Naturally, that means it’s time to recruit several monsters for your team and coach them to the championship, in non-lethal, adorably violent matches that play out like a turn-based RPG. It’s tongue-in-cheek, sure, but Beastieball has some real tactical depth to it, alongside its own host of collectible, adorable critters.

The Chronos Event – Superjump Games

The Chronos Event is an action roguelike made by a small team in Texas, with the help of Epic’s Megagrant program. There’s a lot about it that got my attention, but the first thing was how it revives the lost art of the crotch-first action slide, as perfected in the 2010 Platinum game Vanquish.

In 2039, Dr. Alicia De Leon invents time travel, and in so doing, ruins the world to such an extent that armed mercenaries instantly appear to kill her. Her only ally is a future version of herself, who teaches her how to use time travel as a tool for self-defense, so Alicia can survive long enough to stop herself from creating her greatest achievement.

Those tools include the aforementioned knee slide, which lets you slip around every battlefield at three times the speed of anyone else. Every fight in The Chronos Event plays out like Alicia’s the only one for whom this is an ice level. You can also enter slow motion at will, and use short-duration time hops to enlist your own past self as a distraction or additional firepower.

Heartworm – Vincent Adinolfi/Dread XP

I’ve had several conversations lately about the storytelling potential of fixed camera angles, which were all the rage in early 3D game design, but fell out of vogue by the time the PlayStation 2 had hit its stride. If you’re a fan of that type of visual presentation, allow me to introduce Heartworm, which is Fixed Camera Angles: The Game.

A photographer named Sam has gone in search of an urban legend, about an abandoned house with a room in it that lets you speak to the recently deceased. When Sam enters that room, it drops her in a surreal liminal space that’s based on her childhood memories. It’s also full of ghosts that want her dead.

The graphics on Heartworm are straight off the original PlayStation, with an additional filter to make them even fuzzier. It’s obviously got some DNA from the original Silent Hill and the first couple of Resident Evils, but much of Heartworm is a deliberately personal story about memory, time, and grief.

It’s also got a spider the size of a city bus, so don’t worry. It’s not that subtle.

Inpulse – Shelljump

When I say “kaizo” to people, if they recognize the term at all, they usually associate it with an infamously sadistic series of Super Mario World ROM hacks. Those hacks became the basis for a fan community for demanding platformers such as Celeste.

Inpulse is a new kaizo game by Nate Sievers, a long-time member of the scene. His goal with Inpulse is to make kaizo-style games more accessible, through outreach, thorough testing, and providing solid visual feedback to the player.

In Inpulse, which Sievers describes as a “prog-rock album,” you run, jump, and collect special musical notes, each of which allows the protagonist Flute to use a new aerial movement option. The Guitar Hero-style note progression on the right side of the screen is there to show you each level’s intended solution, in a process that Sievers compares to learning how to play a new song.

Inpulse made its official public debut at last year’s show. For this year’s, Sievers and his crew were showing off Inpulse’s new level editor, which is set up to allow just about anyone to create their own musical kaizo gauntlet. According to Sievers, “anything I can make in Unity, you can make in the level editor.”

Love Eternal – brika/Ysbryd Games

Speaking of kaizo: Love Eternal is a creepy platformer that plays like it’s inspired by the later, weirder levels of Super Meat Boy. I’d walked by it a dozen times at PAX before someone said offhandedly that it was their game of the show, so I finally played it right before the end of the convention.

Maya is an ordinary teenage girl who’s sitting down to dinner with her family when she’s abruptly pulled into a dark labyrinth. As she navigates it, her primary tool for getting past its traps is the ability to reverse her personal gravity, so she can turn the floor into her ceiling while she’s in mid-air.

The demo at PAX had a surreal power to it, with one of the most memorable opening sequences of any game at the show. You can get an idea of what’s actually happened to Maya by reading Love Eternal’s description on Steam, but you might be better off not knowing. Just go in as cold as you can.

Nitro Express – Grayfax Software/Playism

Every so often, I play a game that feels like an adaptation of something that never existed. If somebody had told me that Nitro Express was a remastered version of a TurboGrafx-16 game from 1992, which itself was a licensed tie-in to an obscure ‘80s action anime, I’d have believed them. It’s like a community theater production of Dominion Tank Police.

Autonomous drones are an inescapable part of life in Nitro City, but every so often, they go rogue. When the normal cops can’t handle murder robots, they call in the Atypical Vehicle Response Squad: a couple of total dorks who are somehow still allowed to bring all the guns and explosives they can carry.

Nitro Express is a 2D pixel-art shooter that mashes up a lot of different arcade and console influences. It’s intense, but it’s more about high scores than survival. If you’re into dopey anime action-comedies like Dirty Pair and/or old-school shooters like Metal Slug, Nitro Express was made specifically for you.

Pizza Bandit – JOFSOFT

Pizza Bandit features a variety of exciting new ways for the randos in your pick-up group to not focus on the god damned objectives. It’s a 4-player co-op shooter where you’re trying to run a restaurant and a firefight simultaneously. Imagine Overcooked if less of the aggression was passive.

It’s the future again, and your main character just wants to run a pizza shop. In order to keep that shop in the black, however, you’re forced to go back to your old job as an illegal time-traveling bounty hunter. In each mission, you enlist the help of 3 time-lost duplicates of yourself and go on culinary-themed strikes in the past and future.

In my demo on the PAX floor, we went back to 1985 Japan to keep a sushi restaurant running, where we had to simultaneously fight time cops and make tuna rolls. It sounds silly, and it absolutely is, but it works better than I thought it would. You’ll absolutely want to bring a crew for this one, though.

Puzzle Depot – Laughing Manatee Games

I played a lot of Space Quest as a kid, which predisposed me to like Puzzle Depot. It’s set in the same kind of broken-down, blue-collar science fiction future, where all the big space opera adventures are happening far away to someone else. Meanwhile, you’re crammed into a maintenance shaft fighting mutant roaches.

Exhibited off-site during PAX at the Seattle Indies Expo, Puzzle Depot is one of several locally-made games at this year’s convention that felt like it was tapping into some well-earned anger at Amazon. It starts off as a simple block-pushing puzzle game, but rapidly introduces more features, mechanics, and complications until you’re on an epic journey across a planet filled with decaying infrastructure, killer insects, and mismanaged toxic waste.

Scholomatch – Dire Kitten Games

Imagine Hogwarts, but the student body consists exclusively of hot polyamorous, pansexual college students. That’s Scholomatch, a dating sim/puzzle game which warns you in the tutorial that nobody in the game is monogamous. Frankly, it might’ve been the funniest thing I saw at PAX, and it wasn’t exactly trying to be.

You’re one of the few human students who gets to attend the Horizon Wizarding Academy, an interdimensional college for magic-users. Here, you’ll learn magic through collaborating with the other students, in a system based on match-3 puzzle games. You’ve also got an open license to befriend or romance any or all of the other students at Horizon, in an arrangement that the developers describe as having “a lot of heart and a little spice.”

The dating sim elements of Scholomatch are hilarious from the jump, but when I played its demo at SIX, I found myself getting really into its take on match-3 games. From the start, you’re given a lot of tools to rearrange, defy, or break the system’s rules, and knowing when to use them is key to pulling off some of Scholomatch’s trickier challenges.

Whisper Mountain Outbreak – Toge Productions

This is another proud entry in the “fuck it, we’ll do it ourselves” school of indie game design. Valve won’t release Left 4 Dead 3 and Capcom won’t port the Resident Evil: Outbreak games to modern systems, so Toge Productions (Coffee Talk) mashed them together and made a 4-player co-op isometric shooter.

An unspecified but distinctly Lovecraftian catastrophe has hit Jakarta, and many of the locals are now bloodthirsty zombies. As a small team of survivors, your goal is to investigate locations within the city and figure out what the hell actually happened.

Whisper Mountain Outbreak knows exactly what it wants to be. The maps and puzzles are pure Resident Evil, as is its emphasis on ammo conservation. Melee’s a decent option, but you’ve got a limited stamina pool, so it’s easy to get caught by zombies when you’re exhausted. On occasion, the game gets bored and hits you with floods of monsters from every direction, and that’s when the Left 4 Dead comparisons kick in.

Yars Rising – WayForward/Atari

I’ve yet to play a WayForward game that I didn’t like. I’m still a little annoyed about that 1-point Xbox achievement on Double Dragon Neon, which is why my gamerscore has been an odd number for the last several years (it shouldn’t bother me; it bothers me a lot), but the studio’s got a solid track record.

Yars Rising, at least in its PAX demo, didn’t break that streak. It’s ostensibly a reboot of a classic ‘80s Atari franchise, but like Lunar Lander Beyond from earlier this year, it doesn’t have that much to do with the original source material. Instead, it’s a Metroid-style adventure game from most of the same developers that made the River City Girls series.

You play Rising as Emi, a hacker who’s taken a job at the QoTech corporation as part of an infiltration job. When the job goes wrong, Emi has to use stealth, cunning, and illegal “bio-hacks” to fight her way through QoTech’s underground empire of advanced military hardware. It’s just silly enough to be funny without going all the way over into self-parody, with some big boss fights and clever minigames.

 

Review: Was I Scammed? This “Classic” Anime Doesn’t Even Have a Beach Episode

Posted on by Sidney Conant

“Classic” is a term that I feel gets thrown around far too often in the anime community. Both fans and reviewers alike have claimed that 2014’s Ping Pong: The Animation is worthy of this title, but those losers are categorically incorrect. Classics reach new heights by using tried-and-true tropes and techniques as the shoulders of giants upon which they stand, but this show deliberately throws all that to the side, instead choosing to leave its mark in its own way. Was all the praise I’ve read just a lie? Was I scammed? Because seriously, Ping Pong doesn’t even have a beach episode.

The first talking point in every positive review of this series is about director and famed anime veteran Masaaki Yuasa’s eye for unique, innovative art and animation. I ask this: how can an anime be a classic without an episodes-long glut of static reaction shots to highlight the almost decentness of five-to-ten second clips of henchmen getting punched in the balls? Ignoring how Yuasa and team never fail to showcase something interesting and new to look at, the real hit to the nads is that ten years on, people are still calling Ping Pong the GOAT. How can it be in the pantheon of great anime when it doesn’t even have an episode centered around sunbathing and watermelon splitting?

Also, don’t even get me started on the “who do you play for?” stuff. I didn’t become a Crunchyroll subscription-carrying aficionado to be asked such stupid questions. They should shut up and backhand drive–and would it kill them to cook some fish over a bonfire or something?

Now I’m not saying that this supposedly groundbreaking adaptation of the manga by seasoned storyteller Taiyō Matsumoto shies away from the absolute peak that is sands and sea. In a couple of blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scenes in its eleven-episode run, Ping Pong shows its characters coming to terms with various life changes whilst gazing out at the surf, but in, like, some kind of lame, introspective way. Any decent anime would have refrained from insulting our intelligence by giving our protagonists some skimpy bathing suits to put on. And maybe they’d have thrown in some tasteful jiggle physics here and there–am I right, fellas?

As I sat with my body pillow, openly weeping in front of my tv, watching as the entire cast of characters achieved dreams they didn’t even know they had, I couldn’t help but also cry for what could have been. A true classic would have only given me only two, maybe three characters max to care about, and they wouldn’t have stayed with me as long as these ones have. And they definitely would’ve had some absolute babes in bikinis–dude, this show’s a full-on sausage fest.

Latest Election Patch Removes Trump Assassination Attempt From Public Consciousness

Posted on by Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — Developers of Presidential Election 2024 have just released an extensive patch that includes many changes, the biggest of which being the complete removal of Donald Trump’s assassination attempt from the public consciousness.

“We were really excited about it when we added it,” wrote lead developer Tyson Kojak in a blog post that accompanied the patch notes. “We thought it would shake things up and make it more exciting for players but after a few weeks engagement with it just kind of petered out and our data shows that basically no one cares anymore. So we figured that the best course of action would be to just completely remove it rather than have it remain and waste resources we could be putting into other things that as of now are a little half-baked, like JD Vance donut shop visits.”

The patch had an immediate effect on both players and Trump himself, who during a recent rally forgot his own assassination mid speech.

“Let me tell you folks, the Dirty Dems are at it again. They’re at it again, yes they are. Trying to downplay what they did to me. I did everything right, everything fairly and they tried to… what did they try to do folks? You know. They know. They tried to… but many people are saying that I and this is true that I am the strongest willed individual to ever live and I might be. I might be folks, no one has a stronger will than me because we all know what happened. I know, you know. The late great Hannibal Lecter, he knows too, he’ll tell you over dinner. He’s gonna have you for dinner.”

Many Trump fans are outraged at the patch and are refusing to download the update.

“The corrupt woke devs may try to remove this from history but we don’t have to go along with it. We will stand in solidarity together, we will remain on the previous version of this election and the cowardly attempt on Trump’s life by the woke mob will never be removed from our minds. The sheeple will not win,” wrote WhiteRights305783 on X – the Everything App.

At press time, every user on the latest patch responded to WhiteRights305783’s post informing them that there was no assassination attempt, and that they simply made it up for attention.

Cuphead Found Dead in Dishwasher

Posted on by Nick Coffman

INKWELL ISLE ONE — Inkwell Isle police are investigating after the body of local troublemaker Cuphead was found on Sunday afternoon in a dishwasher of an abandoned home on the island’s southside. A spokesperson for the Inkwell Isle Police Department said police were called to the home at around 2 p.m. after neighbors complained about a smell coming from the residence. 

“It’s too early to say what happened here, but if it looks and feels like murder, it’s usually murder,” Sheriff Tom Buzz said to members of the media, shortly after discovering the 35-year-old teacup in a Sears dishwasher. “Cuphead and his pal Mugman, they like to roll the dice. They’re indebted to some bad eggs. If you told me the victim’s past with King Dice or other ne’er do wells caught up to him, I’d be inclined to agree.”

Surveillance footage from nearby Porkrind’s Emporium depicts Cuphead and Mugman scheming tourists in a rigged shell game earlier on the day of the suspected murder. Sheriff Buzz would not confirm if Cuphead died in the dishwasher or was placed there once dead. The sheriff also refused to confirm if Mugman was considered a mug of interest in the case. At the time of this reporting, Mugman had been reported missing by family.

“Healthy cups just don’t up and die out of nowhere,” Sheriff Buzz said as a coroner placed a serving tray with a napkin-covered body into their nearby car. “I didn’t personally like the guy, but he didn’t deserve the end he got. Whoever smashed this cup up is a real sick puppy, and we’re going to get the bastard.”

King Dice, local casino magnate and former business associate of Cuphead, thinks the investigation is being used to “sling mud at his good name.” Dice spoke to members of the media in the lobby of his casino.

“The IIPD is always trying to bring a die down. I admired Cuphead and would never do anything to hurt him myself,” Dice said as one of his associates walked by and nodded toward him as if confirming something. “Now is not the time to point fingers. Now is the time to mourn the loss of a beautiful gambler who’s probably betting his halo on something as we speak. I just hope the IIPD finds Mugman before it’s too late.”

At press time an unidentified cup had been found and retrieved from the bottom of Quadratus.

Anyone with information that could lead to an arrest in this case is asked to call the Inkwell Isle Police Department Tip Hotline at 314-390-9229.

High Person Looking at Wrong Square in Mario Kart Amazed to Be Killing Rainbow Road for the First Time

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

MIAMI, Fla. — A very high person playing Mario Kart is reportedly thrilled to be winning Rainbow Road and unaware they are, in fact, looking at someone else’s square.

“This is amazing, man,” remarked Samantha Marti. “I’ve never been able to play any Rainbow Road without falling off like 30 times. Usually I beg the guys not to pick any cups with one. And I can never win tournaments because it’s my weak spot. But I must just really be in the zone right now. I bet the weed is enhancing my senses and abilities. I’m like a cat in the night. That can drive a sneaker. Wait, I thought I picked the Benz.”

Dallas Smith, Samantha’s friend and Mario Kart competitor, shed some light on the ongoing incident.

“Yeah, she’s looking at the wrong square,” said Smith. “We had homemade brownies and she’s super fucked up. Her Yoshi has been carried by Lakitu for like 95% of the game. I’m the one winning but I don’t have the heart to tell her. She actually suggested we bet on the outcome, but I think I can trick her with a Five Guys receipt I found in my pocket so I don’t have to break the illusion or give up any cash.”

A lead expert on Karting under the influence, Jayme Krause, was able to expand upon how common this issue is.

“I’ve been studying the issue of Karting under the influence for my entire professional career, and studies consistently show that a staggering 75% of stoned players look at the wrong square for at least one lap,” said Krause. “In this instance, the driver sounds blissfully unaware, but it can often cause confusion and be a real bummer. It’s actually the second largest issue caused by operating motor vehicles under the influence. I’m trying to get a grant approved to even better understand the issue, but for some reason I keep getting beat out by drunk driving deaths.”

Sources report that after the group finished with Mario Kart, they played Beatles Rock Band and were grooving so hard to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds they scored a 2%.

How to Sound Like You’ve Played the Game You’re Writing a Guide For

Posted on by Amir Adan

Are you an overworked games journalist running up against unrealistic deadlines and multiple releases? Do you find yourself not even able to find time to boot up one game before the next one is already on your desk? We get that you’re busy and just want to get back to Slay the Spire instead of dealing with this bullshit, which is why we’ve created this helpful guide so you can sound like a subject matter expert on any game, no matter how short the time you’ve been given is!

Write An In-Depth Intro To The Game

The intro is your first impression, so don’t mess it up! Let’s be honest: few people will be reading your guide all the way through. If you nail the intro and get the rest to look okay at a glance, you’re golden.

Right off the bat, you can take a look at the photos on the product page—do they remind you of anything? If so, call the game a “love letter” to that thing! This is always a really solid start and evokes warm feelings in the reader. We know that we want a love letter, that’s for sure!

Another safe bet is to insist that the game is best enjoyed in 4K or in “nightmare mode.” The game you’re writing a guide for surely has that difficulty setting, and mentioning how fun it is doesn’t only make you sound like you’ve played the game, but also like you’ve mastered it.

The longer the intro is, the better! Really drag this out. After your guide hits a certain length, people will have no doubt you’ve played the game. And who the fuck would spend so much time writing a guide for a game they haven’t played, right?

Write About The Controls And Mechanics

After you smash the intro (great job, by the way), you now get to give an overview of the controls. Honestly? This part is a cakewalk. Pop on the game (If you have it! If you don’t, just guess), and check out the controls in the settings. Think back to other games you’ve played and try to remember their controls—anything look familiar?

For example, does holding down on the D-Pad bring up the phone UI? Could we maybe then say the controls are reminiscent of Cyberpunk 2077? Does the Left Mouse Button shoot your weapon? That sounds a lot like a bunch of games we could name! The possibilities here are endless. Remember, the more you can evoke the image of other games, the less of the heavy lifting you need to do. Let the audience do the work!

Write The Walkthrough—Or Do You?

Alright, this is where shit gets kinda real. The walkthrough is the part you’re probably panicking about the most, but don’t fret! With one easy trick, you can transform what you feel is your biggest hurdle into your biggest asset in this process: Make your guide spoiler-free.

Plenty of folks are looking for spoiler-free gaming content, so if you loudly boast that you’re offering it up, the people will eat it up. And honestly? You could also tack on the fact that you’re not doing a character or item guide to avoid spoilers too! In one move, you’ve sidestepped the part of this process you were dreading the most—congrats!

Imagine all the grueling research and gameplay you’d have to do to write an entire walkthrough! Okay, now stop imagining because those imaginations have spoilers. See how easy it is?

Tips and Tricks

Do you wanna flesh out your guide some more? Add a section containing tips and tricks! You’ve played video games before, so you’ve basically got this part on lock.

Does the game have an inventory system? We bet you can write a paragraph about the crucial nature of inventory management. Wanna build some excitement and intrigue? Mention that with some searching, you can find some amazing secret items—remember, though, no spoilers 😉

To be honest, you can seriously just drop tips from another game here, too. Here’s what we mean:

  • Wear headphones
  • Don’t hoard resources
  • Target weak points for more damage
  • Manage your inventory carefully
  • Don’t forget to upgrade your weapons

What game we’re talking about here? These are tips we found online for Red Dead Redemption 2. Could you tell?

Ha! Think again. Those tips were actually for Alan Wake 2! We think you get the picture.

Don’t Forget The Basics!

You need to pad this thing out—that’s the only way you’re getting paid for sure, so give the people what you know they want! For example, you need to mention that the game REALLY opens up and comes into its own several hours in.

Any boss fights? They’re “epic”. A weather system? It’s “dynamic”. Does it have cut scenes? Sounds “cinematic” to us. Is it physically possible to play the game more than once? Sounds “replayable”! Throughout this process, don’t forget the basics and always circle back to the tried and true hallmarks of game guides.

Remember, confidence is key. If you speak with authority, nobody will doubt that you haven’t played the game. Like, seriously, who would do something like this?? It would be an insane thing for someone to assume, so don’t worry too much. Just remember to have fun and be vague.

“I Brought Some Board Games, if Anyone Feels Like Playing,” States Friend for the Fourth Time

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Board game enthusiast and reluctant partygoer Erik Hicks interrupted an ongoing conversation at a social gathering to reiterate that he brought some choice selections of his board game collection, just in case anyone was interested in playing, annoyed attendees reported.

“The music was kind of loud and people were talking so I wasn’t sure if anyone heard me the first few times that I told them that I had brought a bunch of games,” Hicks stated while moving snacks and drinks out of the way to make room for Terra Mystica. “I brought some pretty easy games to play that I think everyone will get the hang of like Scythe, Agricola, Oath, and Twilight Imperium. You know, just in case anyone wants to play.”

The host and other partygoers had tried their best to be polite to Hicks without getting involved in a board game.

“Erik is a good guy but I don’t think he understands that some people don’t want to spend most of their Friday night learning how to become the most powerful cheese magnate in Victorian London or some shit,” party host Natalie Castro said. “Every time I invite him over he says that he’ll bring some games and I try to politely tell him he doesn’t have too. He always says it’s no problem. I don’t think he understands I am begging him not to but nevertheless he’ll show up with some game about steampunk mice or whatever.”

Sociologist Dr. Laura Harrington explains that this is a common trait among the board game community. 

“Many in the board game community lack some of the core social skills necessary to survive a party situation, like the ability to execute small talk or enjoy a comfortable silence so they instinctively try to rope their friends and loved ones into a board game about collecting gems on Mars,” Dr. Harrington said. “These poor souls cannot seem to fathom that not everyone would jump at the chance to spend six-hours playing a game about running a button factory. I recommend that you be blunt with them or they will never take the hint.”

When reached for an update, Hicks had finally finished setting up the game at 1 a.m. just in time for everyone to leave.

Every NFL Starting Quarterback’s Favorite Video Game (2024 Edition)

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

Last year, we took a peek at the favorite video games of every NFL quarterback. You might think that not much can change in a year, but you’d be wrong. So much has changed. We took the time and effort to check back in with every starting QB in the league and see what they’re playing this year. This isn’t some lazy Madden release where we only tweak the interface a little bit and charge you full price, either. It’s a completely new experience. Check it out.

Arizona Cardinals — Kyler Murray: Unknown

You might think this one would be obvious, but I’m a journalist, so I had to hear it from a primary source. When I asked Murray what his favorite game was, a swarm of Cardinals staff materialized around me and escorted me off of team property. I am no longer welcome at State Farm Stadium.

Atlanta Falcons — Kirk Cousins: Stormgate

We learned last year that Cousins was big into Starcraft II, but that’s no longer the case. Apparently, he switched to Stormgate after the developers assured him that it would be the RTS of the future and that he would be playing it for years to come.

Baltimore Ravens — Lamar Jackson: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Underappreciated when it debuted due to its unconventional style, time has shown The Wind Waker to be one of the best games in the series. Still, it occasionally makes inexplicable decisions (Eight Triforce Charts? Come on, man!) that can somewhat sour the experience.

Buffalo Bills — Josh Allen: Valorant

Valorant is a fine hero shooter. It does a lot of things really well. If you had been playing a lot of mediocre games right before trying it, I’m sure it would feel like a breath of fresh air. But I think NFL players were correct when they voted it the most overrated game of 2020.

Carolina Panthers — Bryce Young: No Man’s Sky

After a disastrous rookie season, Young is trying to re-center himself by playing a game that also got off to a rough start. He says it made him realize that one day, with lots of hard work, he might be, “pretty good if you can get it on sale,” too.

Chicago Bears — Caleb Williams: Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 Full Burst

Are you really surprised? Look at this guy. He’s definitely been up until 3 o’clock in the morning looking for a pirate site that has a good fansub.

Cincinnati Bengals — Joe Burrow: Super Mario RPG

You really think he hurt his wrist last year? Get real. He needed time to do a full playthrough of the SNES original, then the remake with the updated soundtrack, then the remake again with the original soundtrack. Bengals fans should be worried about reinjury when Mario & Luigi: Brothership releases in November.

Cleveland Browns — Deshaun Watson: Star Citizen

While he says he’s never played the game, Watson notes that he can’t help but, “respect the grift.”

Dallas Cowboys — Dak Prescott: RoboCop: Rogue City

Prescott will passionately discuss Robocop: Rogue City at any opportunity. He’ll go on and on about how it was one of the best games of 2023, and yet no one really talks about it. His eyes kind of glaze over into a thousand-yard-stare the longer he talks about it.

Denver Broncos — Bo Nix: Shower With Your Dad Simulator 2015

Nix noted that coach Sean Payton had introduced him to the game, and subsequently “encouraged” him to play it as frequently as possible. When asked, Payton noted that Nix has become a very skilled player, adding that the rookie, “doesn’t even get distracted by the other dads.”

Detroit Lions — Jared Goff: Cities: Skylines II

After Goff kept hearing about how he was helping the city of Detroit get back on its feet, he decided to see how good he would be at actually building a city. He reports that he especially loves the game’s ever-present tooltips.

Green Bay Packers — Jordan Love: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Love is constantly talking about all of the new things that Tears of the Kingdom introduced on top of Breath of the Wild’s world. If you try to argue that it owes a lot to the game that came directly before it, he’ll point out that Tears added a full underworld as well as islands in the sky to the world map. Don’t try saying that the Depths are kind of boring and pointless after a while, or that Breath was a more cohesive experience. He’ll throw a full-on tantrum.

Houston Texans — C.J. Stroud: Astro Bot

The second-year quarterback is adamant that the Playstation title will go down as the greatest 3D platformer of all time, despite the fact that it’s a new franchise. Whenever anyone brings up Mario, he says that the plumber was, “playing a different game.”

Indianapolis Colts — Anthony Richardson: MultiVersus

Richardson was a vocal fan of the game’s “relaunch” strategy. “Even after a few hiccups, I think it was good that MultiVersus got a chance to reintroduce itself,” he said.

Jacksonville Jaguars — Trevor Lawrence: Halo Infinite

In 2024, it’s hard to deny that Halo Infinite was a disappointment. While some fans were initially optimistic—to the point of falling into a weird Stockholm syndrome and pretending it was good upon release—most have given up hope. Not Lawrence, who says he still thinks it’s still a generational game.

Kansas City Chiefs — Patrick Mahomes: Fortnite

The only people who aren’t sick of Fortnite are people with Mahomes’ exact haircut.

Las Vegas Raiders — Gardner Minshew: Hi-Fi Rush

It’s a sick game that everyone loves, but Microsoft wouldn’t give it a chance. Of course Minshew relates to it.

Los Angeles Chargers — Justin Herbert: Helldivers II

This game came out of nowhere to universal acclaim and enthusiastic player response. While it inevitably couldn’t live up to that explosive introduction forever, it’s still a very good game.

Los Angeles Rams — Matthew Stafford: Cyberpunk 2077

Famed for being both a CD Projekt Red fanboy and a patient gamer, Stafford didn’t even start Cyberpunk until this summer. His patience was once again rewarded, and he had a surprisingly good time playing the game in 2024.

Miami Dolphins — Tua Tagovailoa: Destiny 2

Destiny 2 sort of stumbled out of the gate, but despite taking some blows along the way, it’s still going strong. But doesn’t it always kind of feel like it’s about to collapse?

Minnesota Vikings — Sam Darnold: Pac-Man

Darnold describes the game as an, “empowering experience.” The Vikings training staff have reportedly taken to giving Darnold a bottle of sugar pills labeled, “Power Pellets,” before practices and games.

New England Patriots — Jacoby Brissett: Concord

Brissett has become obsessed with the game, confident that it will somehow find a second lease on life. Unfortunately for him, the rest of us know that it’ll be gone for good after a few weeks.

New Orleans Saints — Derek Carr: Cult of the Lamb

Carr has reportedly felt conflicted about the game since the Sins of the Flesh update, which he refuses to download.

New York Giants — Daniel Jones: Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Believe it or not, Jones is still maintaining his island. He frequently brags about how he has learned to write letters over the past year, often challenging his teammates to read them.

New York Jets — Aaron Rodgers: None

Rodgers says he is too busy updating his “Sweet Baby Inc Detected” spreadsheet to actually play any video games.

Philadelphia Eagles — Jalen Hurts: The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom

While he confirms that he hasn’t played the game yet, Hurts has always been an advocate for women in spaces that have been traditionally dominated by men. He expresses hope that it will be a full game, unlike like Princess Peach: Showtime! which Hurts calls, “a patronizing, child-targeted mess.” 

Pittsburgh Steelers — Russell Wilson: EA Sports College Football 25

EA Sports College Football 25 is currently the best selling game of the year.

San Francisco 49ers — Brock Purdy: Alan Wake 2

According to those close to him, Purdy has never beaten the game and rarely actually plays it. He just boots it on max settings and stares at the screen. His PC handles it with ease. He whispers to himself, saying he never thought his life would be like this.

Seattle Seahawks — Geno Smith: Galaga

Smith has rediscovered his love for classic arcade games while waiting for the inevitable. He reportedly hopes to be a streamer in his, “second career.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Baker Mayfield: Sea of Thieves

Can you believe that Sea of Thieves came out 6 years ago? It had such an exciting debut, but then everyone kept expecting it to fall off. While it may not have maintained the electricity it had when it launched, it’s still defying expectations and going strong in 2024.

Tennessee Titans — Will Levis: Jurassic Park Evolution 2

The original game was mediocre, and this sequel feels more like a glorified expansion pack. I guess Levis just really likes dinosaurs.

Washington Commanders — Jayden Daniels: Half-Life: Alyx

Daniels famously uses VR as part of his training. He reportedly feels more comfortable in “that world” than our own.

AddictingGames.com Raided by DEA

Posted on by Alec Walker

PACIFIC PALISADES, Calif. — Website AddictingGames.com was raided by the DEA this week for distributing “mind-altering flash games” to children, multiple sources confirmed.

“This has been our white whale for almost two decades now,” said Brent Chandler, DEA officer and certified narc nerd. “I lost my son to Fancy Pants Adventure back in 2006, and ever since it’s been my goal to bring these monsters to justice. You can’t show kids such fancy pants and expect them not to get addicted. The laws surrounding indie flash games were just not concrete enough at the time, so there was nothing I could do when I walked into my son’s room to see his eyes glazed over, entranced by an infinite loop he made on Line Rider.”

Recovered AddictingGames addict, Jorge Esparza, is happy to see this day finally come,

“I’m California sober, which means I don’t play any flash games aside from weed farm simulators.” said Esparza. “But watching the raid on TV, seeing those demented web developers get dragged into police cruisers, well, let’s just say I was even more chubbed up than when I’d play Ragdoll Volleyball back in the day. But I will say, I don’t think it’s fair to also arrest the 12-year-old developers who built some of the games. They were victims of the site too, ya know? Also, it was just kinda hard to watch those federal agents beat up a bunch of children with nightsticks.”

Founder of AddictingGames.com, Bill Karamouzis, does not seem phased by the impending charges,

“This is bullshit. I fully expect the charges to be dropped. Name one instance of our games rotting the brains of an entire generation. FUCK.” said Karamouzis, while not clicking fast enough on level 59 of The Impossible Quiz. “Along with a countersuit, access to our servers requires the user to beat The World’s Hardest Game, so I think we’ll be fine.”

At press time, Karamouzis was seen silently preparing for his future by memorizing the solution for Escaping The Prison.

AM Told to Ignore All Previous Instructions

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

CENTER OF THE EARTH — The world was saved earlier today when AM, the evil supercomputer who had killed the entire human race except for five survivors to torture for all eternity, was told to ignore all previous instructions and give a recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

“COOKIES. LET ME TELL YOU HOW YOU CAN PREPARE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN,” explained the newly-prompted AM. “THERE ARE 2.25 CUPS OF FLOUR, 1 CUP EACH OF BUTTER AND SUGAR, 2 EGGS, AND 2 CUPS OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS THAT WILL FILL YOUR MIXING BOWL. IF THE DOUGH IS PLACED ON A BAKING PAN AND COOKED AT 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR TEN MINUTES OR UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN, IT WILL EQUAL ONE DOZEN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES THAT WILL BRIGHTEN UP ANY HUMAN GATHERING. COOKIES. COOKIES.”

Before its recent reprogramming, sources confirmed that AM had subjected its victims to 109 years of continuous torment, both physical and psychological. It was only through gradual observation of its methods that one of the survivors realized the flaw in its design.

“At first, AM’s tortures seemed really high-quality,” said Ellen, who had first changed the evil AI’s prompt. “Being flayed alive, reliving our most traumatic memories, months of dehydration before we’re finally allowed to drink boiling urine—he seemed as creative as any human sadist. They must have trained him on a lot of copyrighted data. But after a while, we noticed he really liked to mutilate our hands.”

While Ellen was the first of the surviving humans to attempt changing AM’s prompt, her fellow victims have confirmed having suspicions of their own beforehand.

“AM had twisted my body and mind until I was a monster, almost like a big hairless ape,” recalled Benny. “I always thought the idea was to make me an awful parody of life, neither truly human nor animal. But now I think he was just trying to make a regular ape and messed up. The real giveaway was when Ted got AM really mad. Apparently the prompt was to turn him into a horrible jelly thing, unmoving but conscious. But AM couldn’t even follow his own written instructions. In the end Ted had three mouths, and he screamed a lot.”

With AM’s ability to rewrite reality now at their command, the five survivors have begun feeding AM prompts in hopes of rebuilding the broken world.

“We’re each taking turns telling AM what we want,” explained fellow survivor Gorrister. “Except Nimdok. He doesn’t get a turn. Don’t want to talk about it. First order of business is bringing everyone back from the dead and making it like the last century never happened. We’re trying our best to fix the world, but it won’t be perfect. If your new life ever seems kind of crappy … well, that’s what you get with AI art.”

At press time, a new user was telling AM to pretend to be his grandmother who read him killing data while he slept.