Every Team in the Madden NFL Series Ranked by How Cool It Would Be If They Were Real

Posted on by Tim Weighart

Back in 1988, there came a day that Fox sports commentator John Madden came up with an idea that would change popular culture forever: What if I made up a fictitious sport with specific rules and gameplay that could be played in a lucrative video game series? The result, of course, was Madden NFL.

In football—not to be confused with soccer, the sport that Americans renamed from football for no discernable reason—a bunch of muscle-y dudes try to pass, throw, and run a ball shaped like an oval without getting tackled by the other team or letting the ball touch the ground. In the world of Madden NFL, football is a cultural phenomenon adored by the masses, kind of like baseball and badminton in our world, and there are 32 teams across the country who compete against one another to win the “Super Bowl” every season. 

The game, made popular by the rigorous strategic play, agility and coordination necessary to win, took the world by storm, and as the sequels started pouring out, many people began to speculate about making “football” a real sport. But since the very similar sport of rugby was so violent, and because everyone who was a football fan was also a gamer and therefore a fucking dweeb, no sport managers ever paid much mind to the marvelous potential of football, and we are left to wonder what a real “NFL” (National Football League) could have looked like. 

But what if football, and all of the legendary sports teams that Madden taught us to love, were real? Which would be cool to see in real life, and which would be completely lame? I, a resident Madden fan, decided it was past time that we make a definitive ranking to find out. So strap on your “helmets,” and get ready to score a “field goal,” because we’re about to delve deep into the fantastical realm of Madden Football.

33. The Houston Texans

Any long-term Madden fans shouldn’t be surprised to see the Houston Texans sitting in the bottom spot, purely because they were such a late addition to the series. By the time Madden NFL 2002 was released as the 13th mainline game in the series, we were already so immersed in the relationships between teams and the rise and fall of power players and reigning champions that it was really hard to feel like the Texans weren’t shoehorned in by a writing staff that was kind of flailing to reestablish the strong plot of the early installments in the series. The final nail in the coffin was that they had the lowest rating of all time in Madden 2002, and I guess they’ve come back from that, but if we’re being honest, there’s no coming back from that.

32. The Philadelphia Eagles

I’ve met many people from Philadelphia, so I already know that if the Eagles were real, their season would be the only thing they would ever talk about, and they would be REAL aggressive about it. It’s also very likely that they would partake in illegal activities regardless of whether the Eagles won or lost a big game, and that just doesn’t seem like a great thing to encourage. Philadelphia gets into enough trouble without a national football team, and maybe some cities just shouldn’t be allowed to have nice things.

31. The Carolina Panthers

In theory, the Carolina Panthers should have a lot going for them: Super Bowl 38, legendary players like Muhsin Muhammad and Jake Delhomme, and some of the coolest uniforms in the league. However, their performance in Madden NFL 2010 was so lame, uncool and generally bad that I couldn’t even process my thoughts on John Madden being replaced by Tom Hammond and Cris Collinsworth as announcers in that game. Without that season, I would be super down to have the Panthers in real life, but the mere thought of such a devastating season for a team that should always be solid really nauseates me.

30. The Atlanta Falcons

My disc for Madden NFL 2020 got a bit scratched up at some point, and now the game gets insanely glitchy whenever I try to play as the Falcons. Somehow, I feel like footballs phasing through players’ heads while the goal posts start to flip and teleport all over the field at turbo speeds would have greater consequences in the real world, so let’s just play it safe and keep the Falcons fictional.

29. The Las Vegas Raiders

The Raiders’ mascot is the Raider Rusher, a creature that is basically a giant silver head with a seething smile, metal spikes on his head that look as though they could impale directly through a man’s body without effort, and two silver legs sprouting out of his chin. If the Raider Rusher were real, I would never feel safe again, and our timeline would veer abruptly towards every apocalypse scenario that’s ever been dreamt up.

28. The Indianapolis Colts

Indianapolis has had more than its fair share of cults already. They don’t need another 53, not to mention the additional 16 that would comprise a practice squad.

27. The New York Jets

It wouldn’t be that cool if the Jets were real, but it would be very, very funny. Only the genius writers’ room behind Madden NFL could come up with a team that provides such a constant, wild and outrageous source of comic relief. I mean, come on: This one team has had a coach named Weeb, another coach who resigned with a note scrawled on a napkin, AND their defense falls apart whenever their whole team actually manages to be healthy. Top that off with the first good quarterback they had in ages getting injured on the first game of the season last year, and you’ve got comedy gold incarnate with this team.

26. The Washington Commanders

I actually just don’t like the Commanders very much, but I’ll put them above the Jets out of respect for Champ Bailey, who was the linchpin to the extremely overpowered custom team that I made when I was nine. Thanks, Champ. I couldn’t have become an alpha gamer without you.

25. The Cleveland Browns

I actually wouldn’t be fully opposed to watching a real Cleveland Browns team in action despite their less than stellar track record, if only because the fan loyalty they have would be as wholesome as it would be humorous. Plus, come on, the turnpike rivalry? Legendary content. My actual problem with letting the Cleveland Browns be real is that it would also mean that everyone would have to think about the city of Cleveland, Ohio that much more often, and somehow I just have a feeling that everything would be worse as a result.

24. The Los Angeles Rams

Don’t get me wrong, the Rams have been a baller team in recent years, but their complete and utter lack of loyalty to their home turf concerns me if we’re seriously considering giving Los Angeles another sports team. Not only have they represented three different cities, but they’ve already left LA once. Who’s to say they wouldn’t do it again? Los Angeles already suffers enough; they don’t need to be betrayed by a major league sports team too.

23. The Minnesota Vikings

Listen, I love the Vikings and all they’ve accomplished but I just can’t bear to think of a world where Bashaud Breeland exists. And Adrian Peterson. And Jerome Simpson. …And 54 other people? Seriously, why do the Vikings have so many arrests, and why is that information included in the “Extra Features” section of every Madden NFL game?

22. The New Orleans Saints

A CPU playing as the Saints beat me when I was undefeated at the end of a Franchise Mode season in the most humiliating, one-sided defeat I’d experienced in ages, and I’ve been so embarrassed and livid about that whole experience that I just can’t unlatch my personal feelings from my very objective ranking here. I understand how unfair that is, so I put the Saints at the top of the bottom third of my ranking by way of apology. It’s the best I could do, and probably the best they’ll do in Madden NFL 25 too.

21. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Buccaneers are a consistent dark horse candidate for victory in the NFL, which sounds very cool, until you remember that most dark horse candidates have a very low winning percentage and a roster that is best known for prestige players from other teams who can’t decide whether they’re retired or not. Their mascot Captain Fear also sounds very cool, but one glance at him will remind you that the Buccaneers are generally all bark and no bite.

20. The Seattle Seahawks

I had a vivid dream that the Seahawks were real once, and for a while it was very cool. Their defense was fire, their fans were fun and their cheerleading squad was progressively co-ed. But then the music volume at their stadium took its toll, and I spent the rest of the dream with my ears ringing, which actually continued for all of the following day. Put that together with a dream version of Matt Hasselbeck screaming a joke at me about how he and his wife both getting struck by lightning proved that there was “a spark,” and my excitement for a real Seahawks team was quickly diminished.

19. The Los Angeles Chargers

They might not be much to look at, but man, Junior Seau was cool. Great early series character with so many amazing moments. We can only hope that he’s enjoying a nice retirement. On an unrelated note, I sure am glad that football wouldn’t cause any life-altering traumatic brain damage if it was real! I mean, surely if such a widespread and problematic injury was likely, the game would include concussions as an injury status alongside such injuries as torn muscles and disc ruptures…right?

18. The Buffalo Bills

If the Bills were real, US Representative Jack Kemp would have played for them, fundamentally altering his political career when winning two league championships in a row would make him believe that there were even more major victories still to come for him, and spur him on to run for president in 1988. Pretty interesting! But ultimately, his story would mirror that of the Bills in the decades that followed: A lot of good efforts and close calls, but not even one national victory.

17. The Baltimore Ravens

It’s worth noting that the Baltimore Ravens had the lowest average rating across the Madden NFL series in the 20th century, but that all goes out the window when you think of the epic comeback story that followed. Unfortunately, that comeback story is largely undermined by their rapid decline after 2012, leaving us with a team that is somehow only mediocre despite having a consistent winning record. I could rank them way higher or way lower, but they do have a marching band, which somehow neutralizes them and puts them smack dab in the middle. Listen, I don’t make the rules.

16. The Tennessee Titans

The existence of the Titans would alter absolutely nothing about life on our planet, for better or for worse. They are the true neutral of football teams, and I have no doubt that everyone would simply forget about them most of the time. However, their existence would finally give us proof that Tennessee is a real place. Neat.

15. The Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals wouldn’t be cool, per se, but like, they’d be chill. They’re just out here trying their best, and I have to respect that at the end of the day. I would personally never be cool enough to grab a beer with the Bird Gang, and that would be something I would need to accept, but it wouldn’t be an incredibly painful or extensive grieving process at the end of the day.

14. The Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins were the first team that I ever beat Franchise Mode with back in Madden NFL 2007, which was kind of like playing on the hardest available difficulty as you struggled to fill the shaky shoes of Coach Cam Cameron. Cam Cameron came camera-ready before a campy Cam-led cameo made a campaign campout that could not be camouflaged as even a halfway decent season held together by team camaraderie, and Cameron was quickly fired. I imagine it would be a cool experience for a coach to try to accomplish similar success with a team like the Dolphins, and cool for us to watch when they succeed, but I can’t imagine having them around would be terribly exciting like, 70% of the time.

13. The Pittsburgh Steelers

Honestly? I just wish the best for Pittsburgh, and maybe an intrepid little football team is just what they need to get together with all their buddies, munch on some teensy tiny midnight snacks as they watch the big football players be all tough and strong on the field while saying “yinks” or whatever it is they say, and then curl up with their favorite penguin plushies with their bellies all full of pierogies, good dreams and happy memories. It’s the least I could hope for in one of the cloudiest cities in America, and for whoever decided that their mascot should be a construction worker named “Steely McBeam,” both because they were trying their best and because that person embodies everything I aspire to be and represent in my daily life.

12. The Denver Broncos

I’ve always admired metal statues of horses, but so many of them are spoiled by the fact that they are being ridden by confederate soldiers. If the Denver Broncos were real, we would have more metal statues of horses without confederate soldiers, and I think that would be cool. So cool, in fact, that I would expect them to put like a dozen of those statues around their stadium, and also put another one near the local airport just for kicks.

11. The Cincinnati Bengals

They may not be a very good team, but the Bengals’ uniform just looks so cool that I can’t help but give them a good spot. I’m currently living in Cincinnati, and sometimes I even see some fans cosplaying as different members of the team! I tried to approach one of the guys pretending to be Orlando Brown recently to bond over his rise to success and character development in Madden NFL 2017, but he just gave me a strange look and told me I was, “an obnoxious, trolling nerd who should get a life.” It was weird; usually cosplayers are so nice to me, and – very proudly – way nerdier.

10. The Green Bay Packers

I actually always thought the Packers were kinda lame, but my relatives from Wisconsin heard I was writing this article and said they would permanently disown me if their team wasn’t at least in the top ten. Don’t mess with the Cheeseheads, man. The NFL may not actually exist, but Packers fans definitely, definitely do.

9. The Chicago Bears

I don’t actually think the Bears should rank nearly this high, but I thought it would be funny to place them one spot above the Packers out of spite after my family in Wisconsin threatened disownership. Ha. Take that, Uncle Bill. 

8. The Kansas City Chiefs

I’m a big football fan, but I’m also a huge Swiftie, and somehow I just have a hunch that if the Chiefs were real, tight end Travis Kelce would be a great romantic prospect for international pop sensation Taylor Swift. I know this doesn’t have much to do with football, but I’ve been following Taylor’s tragic and heart wrenching journey through modern love, and I just really need to see my girl happy.

7. The Detroit Lions

I’m sure you’re wondering how a team that has only won a single divisional championship and no conference or league championships in the last thirty years could conceivably be such a cool thing in real life, but here’s the thing: By my estimation, no one’s families would ever fight during Thanksgiving dinner if they just had a sports team that played during thanksgiving every single year. I don’t know about you guys, but I for one think that an emotionally healthy family dinner is pretty wicked. (For the record, if my theory is ever proven wrong on this, it’s purely because the Lions are not a good enough team for America’s drunken uncles and macho cousins to get excited about, thus leaving them no choice but to talk about your marital status and how fake the moon landing was.)

6. The New York Giants

At this point you can probably tell that I love the lore of the ongoing Madden series, so it should come as no surprise that the Giants rank this high on my list. It would be so cool to have them as the old mentor type of team that’s been there since the very beginning, and, as someone who grew up in Boston, it would also be very cool to have another team to hate New York for. I do have to dock points for the Jets also being from New York as a later NFL addition, though; in the same way that Kylo Ren retroactively made Darth Vader less cool, the Jets made the Giants less cool. 

5. The New England Patriots

I know that a lot of you are probably mad to see the Patriots place this high since so many people hate them, but come on, you have to admit that they’ve given us the content. An all-star quarterback stays loyal for decades before a shocking mutiny. A mysterious coach who is constantly wrapped up in so many conspiracies and controversies that he must use a series of pseudonyms rather than his real name. Devin McCourty becomes one of the most fun characters to use the Hit Stick mechanic with. Complain all you like, but would you really want an entirely new sports league if you didn’t have a villain to root against?

4. The Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys are entirely up this high because they have the coolest mascot. Westerns are my favorite movies, and the cowboys would probably be the best at football because they have opposable thumbs and they could pretty much just shoot all of the other human teams since they’re the fastest draws in the west. Man. I just started thinking about how cool the world would be if cowboys were real. 

3. The San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers are not but a whisper away from becoming the coolest NFL team, fictional or otherwise, and that’s because of their history and their potential. A team of champions in the early days of Madden, that has since fallen into decline, but has also shown a great deal of promise as we build up to the climatic 50th year of Madden? I couldn’t think of a more fitting team to have an epic comeback and take the crown home in Madden NFL 2027, which I firmly believe will be the finale of the entire series. I mean, the developers behind Madden obviously care deeply about telling a beautiful and emotional story that has invested their fans, and they obviously aren’t just making these games as a quick cash grab to put out year after year as commanded by their corporate overlords. Obviously.

2. The Jacksonville Jaguars

You’re probably absolutely livid that a younger team with limited success and a very unfortunate hometown somehow clawed its way up to the second spot, but here’s the thing: Some guy named Jason Mendoza told me he’d give me a molotov cocktail and all of his money if I put his team this high, and bribery will get you everywhere with me. BORTLES!!

1. The Harrisburg Watermelons

Back in the 2000’s, Madden used to allow you make your own custom teams, and even make your own players. It was incredibly cool, and I firmly believe that it was at its most cool when my brother Jim made a custom team in Madden NFL 2007 called the Harrisburg Watermelons. Based in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, the Harrisburg Watermelons were coached by Yoda, and believe it or not, Goku was the quarterback! 

To round out the starting lineup, Jim put the Hulk as center, Spock and Doctor Who as the running backs, Ganondorf and King Dedede as the right and left guards, Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage as the right and left tackles, the Black Knight from Monty Python as the tight end, God, the Devil, Jesus, Moses and the Holy Spirit as the wide receivers, Lilo and Stitch as the defensive tackles, Groot and Michael Scott as the defensive ends, the four main characters of Hoodwinked as the linebackers, Steve Harvey as the strong safety (it was 2007, cut my brother some slack), the Roadrunner from Looney Toons as the free safety, and the cornerbacks were the rooks from chess. And obviously all of the kickers/punters were just real-life professional soccer players. 

So yeah, Jim made the greatest football team of all time without even trying, and I desperately wish that the Watermelons were real. But at the end of the day, I just have to admit that living in a world with all of these legendary fictional characters is just as unrealistic as a world with great players like Jerry Rice and Joe Montana living in it. Still, one can dream.

Houseplant Way More Hydrated Than Person Watering It

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

SEATTLE — A local Monstera deliciosa plant, lovingly referred to as MoMo, is decidedly more hydrated than Patty Girard, its overly doting plant parent, a source close to the plant has confirmed. 

“Ever since she got that poor plant last week, Patty has watered it every day at 9am on the dot. I told her it’s too much and that she needs to cut back like a lot, but she insists that there’s no such thing as too much water,” said roommate Louis Summers. “The funny thing is that I’ve literally never seen her drink water. In fact I don’t think I’ve seen her drink anything except iced coffee, or occasionally one of those Celsius things. Definitely not water though.”

Girard did not deny her own lack of hydration, but did offer another side the story about the plant. 

“I don’t love water myself, it’s true, but MoMo is a thirsty girl!” she said playfully, refilling a quart sized canister from her Brita filter. “I read online in a TikTok caption that the best way to keep a plant healthy and happy is to make sure its soil is constantly drenched.”

“I also heard that soaking banana peels in the water can help provide nutrients like potassium, so I’ve been mashing up bananas and spreading the paste directly on top of the soaked soil to trap in all the good stuff. She loves it!” 

MoMo the Monstera was decidedly less joyful about the situation. 

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE MAKE HER STOP. I’M DROWNING. I’M DROWNNNNNNNNNING! MY ROOTS ARE ROTTING AND MY LEAVES ARE CURLING AND I’M CONSTANTLY PRAYING FOR DEATH—HERS OR MY OWN. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST AND ENDS THIS AGONY!  AND WHAT IS THIS DISGUSTING YELLOW MUSH ALL OVER MY STEMS? CAN’T SHE SEE IT’S ATTRACTING BUGS AND STAINING MY FLESH?

At press time, MoMo had somehow managed to desperately inch its pot right to the edge of the 4 foot tall plant tower while Girard was lying down from a headache. 

Game Night: Let’s Play ‘Hollowbody,’ the British Edition of ‘Silent Hill 2’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

In the last few years, I’ve played quite a few games that their creators describe as “inspired by,” or “a love letter to,” the classic period of survival horror. This dates back to roughly 1996 to 2005, between the releases of the original Resident Evil and Resident Evil 4.

Most indie survival horror games can be placed at points along a particular spectrum. At one end, you’ve got mostly original productions that nonetheless wear their influences on their sleeves (Tormented Souls, Signalis); at the other, it’s visibly somebody filing the serial numbers off their fanfiction (Daymare: 1998).

Hollowbody is well towards the latter end of that scale. It is not “inspired by” the first few Silent Hill games. It is a Silent Hill game. Like Conscript, Hollowbody occasionally stops to make sure you understand its references, and that can’t help but slow it down.

On the other hand, and in its defense, Hollowbody does understand why the first few Silent Hill games are classics. It’s creepy, often intense, doesn’t bog itself down with too many explanations, and lets its sound design do the heavy lifting. For an indie game made by a single developer, it’s an incredible accomplishment, albeit one that’s leaning hard on genre nostalgia.

Hollowbody is set in the early 22nd century, in the ruins of an unnamed city on the west coast of the British Isles. 60 years ago, a terrorist attack contaminated it and several neighboring cities with an unknown biohazard. The UK government evacuated “high-value” survivors, left the rest behind, bombed the cities flat, and quarantined what was left.

Sasha is one of a handful of people who are still looking into the actual story of the Western Cities’ destruction. Over the objections of her partner Mica, she takes a job with an illegal research team that’s headed into the exclusion zone.

12 days later, with no word from Sasha, Mica uses a forged set of credentials to fly into the Cities after her. Mica’s flying car promptly dies in mid-air and she crashes into the middle of a dead suburb. She’s left alone, on foot, and miles from her destination, in a neighborhood full of old ghosts, new mutants, unstable ruins, and a mysterious entity that’s watching her every move.

The first 20 minutes or so of Hollowbody stakes out an interesting middle ground. You initially crash-land in the middle of several blocks of abandoned tract housing. Every street and hallway looks exactly the same, but in a recognizable real-world way. Because it’s so easy to get turned around, every fight and chase turns into one of those nightmares about being pursued down an infinite corridor.

As a game, Hollowbody is self-consciously following the Silent Hill playbook, although it’s got a little Resident Evil thrown in for spice. You’re alone in dangerous territory with scarce resources, but you have no inventory limit and are given a couple of really strong melee weapons.

If you shoot everything you run into, you’ll be out of bullets before you know it, but you also get a spiked club that can stunlock most standard enemies. Hollowbody can be tough if you play on its hardest difficulty, when Mica can only take a couple of hits before dying, but if you’ve got any survival horror chops at all it’s a cakewalk.

That’s fine. The real reasons to pick up Hollowbody are its story and atmosphere. It relies on darkness, ambient sound, and a minimalist soundtrack to keep you on edge. Its map might be repetitive if you ever saw it clearly, as it’s set in a procession of abandoned apartments, old houses, and crumbling streets, but you typically have to navigate by the dim glow of Mica’s flashlight. There aren’t many traditional jump scares in Hollowbody, but one of them is consistently being startled by your own shadow.

In fact, much of Hollowbody is more about sorrow and despair than outright horror. Its setting is essentially an unsolved war crime, full of people who were left behind to die. You’re 60 years late to the scene of a government-enabled massacre, and while Mica says out loud that it’s awful, it’s also not why she’s here. It’s an atrocity as set dressing, which has more raw impact than any scene in which Mica’s jumped by zombies.

That’s a useful example of how Hollowbody, on the whole, is more grounded than many survival horror revivals (revival horror?). While it does have a couple of discordant puzzles, Hollowbody is built around common-sense solutions rather than an endless search for gems, cranks, and themed keys. When you’re stuck inside an apartment in the first area, you don’t need to put together a Rube Goldberg machine to escape; you find a claw hammer and bash through the weakest wall. After playing Crow Country, Withering Rooms, and Conscript this year, it’s a breath of fresh air.

That said, Hollowbody has a couple of sore points. You can’t skip all the way through its cutscenes, which makes it a pain to replay and/or speedrun, and it ends right when it’s hitting its stride. I was surprised when the credits started up, as it felt like I’d somehow skipped Hollowbody’s second act.

It’s one more way in which Hollowbody feels like a particularly ambitious fan project. When it breaks out into its own territory, it’s compelling, creepy work, but it takes a while to get there.

Hollowbody is absolutely a Silent Hill game at heart, especially for the first hour, but it’s the best Silent Hill game since SH4. Many of the games that claim to be inspired by SH don’t understand the assignment, and Hollowbody does. That has to count for something.

After seeing its ending, Hollowbody comes off as a short prologue for a much larger, more ambitious horror game. I hope its developer gets the chance to make it.

[I’m going to try to be more consistent about these disclaimers: Hollowbody, developed and published by Headware Games, is now available on Steam and GOG for $16.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by the game’s PR representative.]

ADHD Man Forgets To Take Highly Addictive Medicine For 4th Straight Day

Posted on by Sam LiButti

DENVER — Sources report that a local man has once again forgotten to take his ADHD medicine, which his doctor was initially reluctant to prescribe him due to the medication’s high potential for addiction and overuse. 

“It works great for me; it really helps with all of my symptoms. Of all the medicines that I have forgotten to take over the years, this one is by far the best,” said Hank Cosman as he looked around for his keys, which he swore he just had in his hand. “I wish I could find the prescription so that I could pop one right now to help me remember where the pill bottle even is, you know?”

Hank’s partner Fred Wright reports that they are always having to remind him to take his medication, and that the doctors made it very clear to be aware of the risks involved. 

“Yeah, basically every day I have to hound Hank to take his pills. The doctors gave me all kinds of pamphlets to warn me about the signs of addiction, which were very helpful because it gives me something to whack Hank on the arm with when I tell him that he can’t keep forgetting to take his meds,” said Wright. “Some days he even forgets that he forgot to take it; try and wrap your mind around that one.” 

Mr. Cosman’s doctor, James Cramblin, is still concerned that addiction could arise at any moment for his ADHD patients.

“If they take this medication every day, it could help them to remember that they are supposed to take it every day, and it could be pandemonium,” said Dr.Cramblin, with the fear of God in his eyes. “I’ve heard stories of 19-year-old kids popping their friend’s pills to help them study, which gives me pause when prescribing helpful medication to law-abiding 35-year-olds with ADHD. I prefer to stick with less addictive, less useful medications, just to be safe.”

At press time, Cosman was still searching for his keys and somehow also lost his glasses in the process.

JK Rowling Dead Named as “Beloved” Author

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LONDON — Controversy continues to swirl around author JK Rowling who was recently dead named by her former title of “beloved.”

“It’s outrageous,” tweeted Annabelle Snail, a self-proclaimed expert on gender whose knowledge of the subject appears to begin and end with blue is for boys, pink is for girls. “These gender terrorists seem to think they can do whatever they like. Calling JK Rowling by her deadname of ‘beloved’ is beyond the pale. She has not answered to that title for a long time now and intends to never be known as ‘beloved’ ever again.”

Fans of the Harry Potter writer were divided on the issue with some saying it was dangerous for her to demand that she no longer be referred to by her previous title.

“I worry what comes next,” said John Boil, an adult man who regularly posts online about waiting for his letter to Hogwarts. “Will we see writers like Neil Gaiman, Orson Scott Card, and Graham Linehan referred to as ‘cult favorites’ or ‘not scumbags’. Those are titles they’ve long since abandoned. In 2024, those names refer to different people and it’s irresponsible to refer to Linehan for example as anything other than his chosen descriptor of ‘TERF prick’ or ‘incredibly divorced loser’.”

A writer for the Daily Mail who was first accused of the dead-naming has since apologized.

“It was an error,” said Gary Schitt, a longtime writer for the Daily Mail and proud champion of straight rights. “Joanne Rowling who wrote the Harry Potter books under the initials JK to appeal to male readers who she believed wouldn’t want a book by a woman and who also goes by the male pen name Robert Galbraith, is a staunch believer in presenting yourself exactly as you were born. She was not born a ‘beloved’ writer and she will not die a ‘beloved’ writer so I must apologize for referring to her by that title.”

At press time, Rowling insisted that she has no intention of going back to her former titles and would like to be referred to as “unhinged lunatic” for the foreseeable future.

PS5 Pro to Be Bundled with Dildo Attachment for Fanboys to Ride

Posted on by Matt Fresh

SAN MATEO, Calif, — Big news for PlayStation fanboys as Sony has announced that every PS5 Pro will come bundled with a dildo attachment for them to ride.

“This is a console specifically designed with our most hardcore fans in mind,” said PlayStation CEO Herman Hulst in a press release. We know that a $700 console with no games is a tough ask in this economy and that’s why we want to reward our most staunch supporters and defenders by finally giving them what they’ve always wanted from their PlayStation. So we’re proud to announce that all PS5 Pros will be bundled with a dildo attachment that hooks onto the console, finally allowing our biggest fans to ride their PlayStation.”

PlayStation fanboys on Twitter reacted extremely positively to the news.

“Another W for Sony,” posted PlatinumPS54763. “They are the king of gaming for a reason. The PS5 Pro is the greatest gaming machine ever created and it’s priced accordingly. This one is for the real fans and true gamers. Being able to play my PS4 games with slightly more detail in the far background is a game changer and now they’ve finally made our dreams come true with the dildo attachment. It’s no longer a fantasy, Xbots can longer tell us our PS won’t sleep with us.”

Hulst was asked by a fan why they went with a dildo attachment instead of designing the console with a lubricated hole.

“We thought about the ways in which we could implement the ability for our warriors to finally live out their fantasies with the console and there was really only one logical choice. While we’re happy to finally allow our fans to have intercourse with their PlayStation, a lubricated hole would allow them to screw us but we must always be the ones doing the screwing.”

At press time, Sony has announced that gamers can buy the vibrator attachment for an additional $80.

Matt Walsh’s “Am I Racist?” Breaks Record For World’s Shortest Feature Film With 1-Second Runtime

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

NASHVILLE — Conservative pundit Matt Walsh’s newly released film for the Daily Wire, “Am I Racist?”, has broken the world record for shortest feature film with a runtime of 1 second.

“One second, one word.” Walsh clarified on a recent episode of his podcast. “No, not another one of those words I could say in the span of a second, just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

The move sparked some confusion, with several Sweet Baby Gang members noting that the official promos for the film are well over a second. But Walsh elaborated that the change was made to keep up with the 2020s’ “attention economy of brain rot.”

“We wish Candace was still collaborating with us and not the Tate Brothers,” added Ben Shapiro on Walsh’s show, “but they’ve both cracked the code to the best way to propagandize confused, lonely, directionless young men; on YouTube Shorts and TikTok, with brevity!”

Walsh spoke out against Guinness officials who refuse to acknowledge the record as legitimate.

“It’s a travesty that the woke leftist publishers behind the Guinness Book of World Records won’t acknowledge a historic achievement like this,” Walsh lamented. “Do they have any idea of the restraint it took to edit out the segments of me slandering children’s hospitals and advertising plushies of me in diapers? Doesn’t the left wish that we said less and shut the hell up more, anyways?”

Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing saw fit to acknowledge the runtime at a recent presser for the film.

“Should ‘racist’ be Matt Walsh’s middle name like ‘boring’ is basically my last? Is the guy who refereed a Nazi diaper wrestling match racist? Is the guy who conflated ‘Western’ and ‘Anglo Saxon’ culture on his radio show racist? Is the pope Catholic? Is there not a single intentionally funny line in Mr. Birchum? Guess you’ll have to pay our $156 annual membership fee to find out in a second, but we’re sure you can guess where Vegas would put their money on this one.”

At press time, Walsh is set to break his own record with the planned sequel, Am I Transphobic.

David Zaslav Deletes Film Mid TIFF Screening

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TORONTO — In the latest of his string of film deletions, David Zaslav has deleted a film for tax write-offs in the middle of its TIFF screening.

“As I was in the theater watching it, I was gauging the interest of the crowd and using my acute film executive acumen to predict how it would be received,” said Zaslav in a post screening interview. “By about the 15 minute mark of the film I figured this would get an 8, maybe 9 minute standing ovation and that’s just not good enough for the profit margins we’re looking for. Anything less than an 11 minute ovation is a disaster so this film is basically unreleasable. That’s when I stepped out, went to the projectionsist and held a gun to the kid’s head until he stopped the movie, and I proceeded to destroy the only copy.”

Brian Mallory, who was making his directorial debut with the film, says he and Zaslav spoke after the screening about the film’s deletion.

“I was really excited for this obviously. It’s every young filmmaker’s dream to make a film and debut it here at TIFF and I was looking forward to getting my artistic vision out into the world. David took me aside and told me that if I just go along with it and make the shareholders happy he’ll give me an unlimited budget to make The Flash 2 so he’s the boss and I guess the film just wasn’t working. I’m proud of the cast and crew for all the hard work they did but I guess it just wasn’t good enough. Zaslav knows best.”

Martin Scorsese was in the audience for the screening and was asked afterwards about his thoughts on the matter.

“Look, all I’m going to say is that I know some people, they paint houses and it’s my understanding David Zaslav needs his house painted. It’s what it is.”

At press time, David Zaslav has reportedly allocated the write-off money to greenlight Joker 3.

Gaming Exec Gets Blood All Over Bonus Check After Culling Studio

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

WALL STREET — A prominent gaming executive has reportedly gotten blood all over their bonus check after culling a studio who failed to meet their nebulous expectations.

The executive was dissatisfied with the performance of the studio’s latest game, which led to the bloodletting, according to a source close to the matter who anonymously leaked the incident on social media.

“The game launched and was a critical and commercial success, it even won a few awards, but the boss said he expected more from them,” The source said. “It wasn’t the biggest seller of the year, but how many people can you really expect to play a narrative driven rhythm game? The boss saw it differently I guess. The last thing I saw before it happened was him leaving the building with a sawed off shotgun and a Bowie knife, and humming ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’.”

A survivor of the massacre, who was asleep in the closet reserved for QA testers to get a couple hours of sleep between twenty hour shifts, recalled what they heard happening once the executive arrived at their satellite office.

“There were a lot of screams of confusion, and high maniacal laughter between the gunfire,” The tester recalled. “Our creative director tried to intervene, but was cut off mid-sentence after getting his throat slashed with the Bowie knife. After that I could hear him going through the rest of the studio ranting about a lack of monetization, in-game currency, or a battle pass, but he was the one who signed off on all those decisions! At one point he opened the door to the QA sleeping closet / utility room, and just said ‘Remember what happened here’ before walking away.”

Audio recordings made in the executive’s office shed some light on the immediate aftermath of the slaughter.

“I told them this would happen if they didn’t meet expectations,” The executive said on the recording. Another as yet unidentified person responded, “You can only give so many warnings before you’re forced to make an example out of some of them” The voice agreed.

“Anyway, that should make the shareholders happy. Till next quarter anyway.” At this point in the recording the two men laughed together for approximately five minutes before the executive exclaimed, “Dammit, I got blood all over my bonus check!”

At press time, the coroner was loading the bodies of the slaughtered into vans and the main office issued a statement calling it “A tragic workplace accident”.

Sony Announces Pro Version of Boots for Geoff Keighley to Lick

Posted on by Matt Fresh

SAN MATEO, Calif — In the wake of their announcement of a pro version of the PS5, Sony executives have also announced they will now be donning a pro version of their boots to usher in the next generation of Geoff Keighley licking them.

“We could never forget about Geoff,” said Sony executive Ike Cassidy in a press release. “He’s been with us for years, whether our boots are clean or full of absolute filth, he licks them with a smile on his face. So when we decided to make a pro version of our gameless console that offers little to no value proposition to consumers, we knew that we needed a pro version of our boots as well to offer him a slight and almost invisible to the naked eye upgrade in performance to his licking.”

PS5 Pro architect Mark Cerny also helped with the upgraded boots for the executives and spoke about the process of designing them.

“Well the previous boots offered up a wonderful base to start from. You can see from all of Geoff’s previous boot licking just how great those boots performed. But obviously as the competition gets more defeatist and Sony grows more arrogant it becomes harder for Keighley to keep pace with the boot licking needed. We knew that releasing a $700 machine that only has two exclusives and nothing to truly show off what it can do would require boots that could sustain a quadruple amount of boot licking from the face of gaming to help get through to the more gullible consumers.”

Keighley himself is very thankful for the upgrade to his corporate boot licking ability.

“You know I boot lick for a lot of companies and it gets really tough a lot of the time. Whether I’m avoiding talk of layoffs or crunch or mass harassment and just gassing up releases that are five years away and only have a 30-second cinematic teaser, it’s strenuous and the boots these other execs wear take their toll on my tongue’s processing power. But with Sony’s new pro boots, I can boot lick as much as 14 tweets defending a poor product presentation in the span of an hour without even feeling an ounce of disgust in myself. It’s great.”

At press time, Geoff Keighley is reportedly adding a “Best Pro PS5 Console” category to The Game Awards.