Far Cry 2, simultaneously the beloved underdog and black sheep of Ubisoft’s Far Cry series, is known for many things: its bleak yet gorgeous open world; its grounded approach to weaponry and fire propagation; its sheer number of dudes whose bodies selfishly go under instead of over your Jeep. I could go on, about the malaria pills you need to constantly refill or the unique roster of “buddies” who will beg you to mercy kill them after falling down once, but that would be ignoring Far Cry 2’s crowning legacy in the series: its commitment to accurate depictions of battlefield medicine, and by battlefield medicine I mean ripping shit out of your body with pliers and setting bones with the same nonchalance as scratching your nose.
These grisly self-surgeries are presented as realistically as any video game has ever attempted, and as a practicing physician of twenty years, I’m in a unique position to gauge their efficacy, ethicality, and general badassness. With that in mind, here is every healing animation in Far Cry 2 ranked by how quickly I’d lose my medical license performing them.
#28: Wrapping Bullet Wound with Bandage
Wrapping a bullet wound at the point of entry with a clean antiseptic bandage or similar dressing is common practice in modern medicine, and this would be sound technique if the bullet hole itself wasn’t a gaping black maw the size and ripeness of a seedless grape. Still, with a little local anesthetic, some quick sutures, and unwavering faith in a divine power not recognized by any of the practiced religions, I would have no problem keeping my medical license after this operation.
#27: Consumption of Malaria Pill
Always take pills with water.
#26: Resetting Dislocated Wrist, Pinky
Setting a dislocated bone like this won’t win you any favors with patients on account of the extreme and agonizing pain, but it would win you a speed-running record in the category of Bonesetting Splintless Any%.
#25: Resetting Dislocated Pinky, Middle Finger
Most of my patients do this to themselves on a daily basis.
#24: Resetting Dislocated Ankle
A stern warning from the Dean at best.
#23: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Metal Wire from Knee
Now we’re getting into some dangerous ethical territory. Extracting a piece of metal wire this deep into the knee requires extreme care and forethought, and pains must be taken to staunch what will surely be a massive amount of bleeding coupled with high risk of infection. Simply yanking it out in two crude motions may well violate the Hippocratic Oath, but I think I could get away with it due to the fact it looks super satisfying.
#22: Resetting Dislocated Shoulder, Elbow, Wrist, Jesus Christ
I cannot stress enough: DO NOT try this at home. Setting three dislocated bones on one arm in the span of five seconds, while it may seem cool, is indeed cool as hell and carries high risk of looking badass in front of your friends.
#21: Patting Out Fire with Bare Hands
There’s a reason we drill Stop, Drop, and Roll into your brains like a butcher tenderizing meat from the age of three. It’s so you don’t try to high-five the fire.
#20: Pulling Out Massive Stick from Leg
Be it knife, arrow, or boring little stick, an impaling object should never be removed from the body, but rather stabilized with gauze until it can be treated in an operating room, as removal could result in a release of pressure on tamponaded blood vessels and uncontrollable, potentially fatal hemorrhaging. That said, accidents do happen, and I think I could smooth talk my way into a probation after this.
#19: Self-Injection of Morphine Syrette
Oh, so when I give a patient a morphine syrette it’s fine but when I give one to myself it’s “a serious problem” and “who broke into the pharmacy last night after hours, do you know anything about this doctor?”
#18: Dislodging Bullet By Resetting Dislocated Elbow
Is this real? Who consulted on this game? No one’s supposed to know you can do this.
#17: Ripping Bullet Out With Knife and Pliers
If knife, pliers, and a wholesale disrespect for the human body is all you have at your disposal, this little maneuver could very well save a life. But let’s not forget that in the majority of cases, it’s best to leave the bullet inside the body unless it runs the risk of ischemia or embolization, or if you’re filming a movie and Big Blood Transfusions is paying you a hefty sum to perpetuate medical myths and disinformation.
#16: Ripping Bullet Out with the Same Disgusting Knife and Septic Pliers
You have 12 to 24 hours to make a clean getaway.
#15: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Glass from Leg
This piece of glass is lodged dangerously close to the femoral artery. I would strongly recommend transferring the patient to a proper OR before any decision was made to risk it for the biscuit.
#14: Ripping Bullet Out with Just the Pliers
Is that the same filthy-ass pair of pliers? Is he stupid?
#13: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Metal from Arm
What are you doing leave it in that shit’s cool as hell.
#12: Cauterizing Bullet Wound with Fistful of Matches
Cautery becomes a viable option only when other methods to stop the bleeding, such as pressure and tourniquets, are exhausted, and even then, it should only be performed by a licensed professional with the proper instrument. A fistful of grimy matches, and not a medical grade Bovie knife designed for this very purpose, is only the correct instrument if the intention is a 10 on the pain scale and revocation of my license to practice morally-suspect medicine.
#11: Pulling Out Different Massive Piece of Metal from Abdomen
Nooo don’t take it out your so sexy aha.
#10: Going Ham with Pliers at a Random, Uninjured Part of Your Leg
Questions would be asked, yes, such as “why are you doing this doctor?” and “JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS, OH GOD IT HURTS”, but aside from a few bruises on the patient’s leg, my medical license would hardly be at risk.
#9: Just Kinda Fishing Around in There with a Knife
I guess technically this would qualify as exploratory surgery.
#8: Sticking Your Nasty Finger Inside Your Arm to Dislodge Bullet, for God’s Sake
Nurse, come look at this. If… if there was already an exit wound on the other side of the arm, then how did…? How was the bullet… still in there? Unless— unless he’s punching a new hole on the other side right through the skin with just his finger. If that’s the case… my god. What power.
#7: Removing Bullet with the Flat of Your Knife Like You’re Popping a Soda Tab
Removing a bullet in this manner (again, unnecessary) will likely cause more damage than it’s worth, and manipulating the bullet with the small tip of the knife would be extremely difficult, but you could probably get a cool Boomerang out of it.
#6: Fishing Bullet Out of Arm with Your Tongue Like a Freak
I actually did this with a patient once.
#5: Pulling… Oh God… Shit… Oh SHIT
Next one. I don’t want to talk about this one. Next one.
#4: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Rebar from Abdomen
We get one free patient death a year so I’d probably use mine on this.
#3: Rawdogging Root Canal Surgery
You’re telling me this is the time he chooses not to use the pliers?
Look, a loose tooth needs to be removed regardless of age due to reasons of both comfort and cleanliness, since an exposed root or socket is a lightning rod for bacteria and other infectants. Ideally the patient is anesthetized for this, but if you want to rawdog it with just your hand and an unearned arrogance comparable to releasing a $700 video game console with no perceptible upgrade in hardware, the only thing stopping you is willpower and several state laws.
#2: Pulling Out World’s Most Evil Stick from Everywhere On Your Body
What stick on this pitiless earth has that many barbs, and how are you unlucky enough to get it stuck inside you twice?
#1: Ripping Bullet Out with Just the Pliers, Somehow Missing the Wound But Still Getting a Bullet Anyway
If I performed this alarming feat of sorcery, I would lose much more than my medical license. This would bring back the Salem Witch Trials on a scale we have never seen before. I would be hung upside down from a rope, my eyes gouged out with sticks, my fingertips burnt off and fed to me, and my family forced to watch as I am made to divulge my dark dealings with The Bottomfeeder; The First Sickness; the Shadow That Rakes the undersides of graves. I divulge, but I do not repent. For this, my entrails are nailed to a tree, and I am forced to walk its circumference, over and over, until I can walk no more. Only then is my body burned, my name erased, and my medical license revoked in the state of Pennsylvania, pending review.
