PHILADELPHIA – A man on the third attempt at swiping a hotel keycard to unlock his newly-purchased room at the local Hyatt was unaware his night was about to become a Metroidvania, sources report.
“Usually, I can get it on the second try,” said Sam Aaron, a businessman and father of two who checked into the Hyatt with his family hoping to relax for a night or two. “But after exhausting all possible variations on swiping speed, angle, and positioning, I knew something was wrong. I took the card to the lady at the front desk and said it wasn’t working, and she said my room actually requires a yellow keycard, which I guess makes sense since the door is entirely yellow, but it would’ve helped to get the right keycard the first time, you know? But it’s late, so I just swallow my frustration and ask for the yellow keycard. And the lady—I swear to God—she says certainly, and gives me a green keycard. Will this open my room? I say. ‘It opens the keycard storage room,’ she says. So I use the green keycard to open the door to the storage room and she points me to the yellow keycard that unlocks my room: high up on a shelf with a grapple point attached. ‘Oh no, looks like you don’t have the grapple launcher attachment,’ she says. That’s when I kinda lost my shit.”
Regina Spangler, the aforementioned receptionist at the Hyatt—whose layout guests describe as “sprawling, interconnected, and encouraging exploration”—was a constant figure throughout Aaron’s night, according to sources.
“I remember Sam,” said Spangler, who often encounters guests backtracking through the lobby on their way to the elevator, which is needed to access the hotel’s subbasement where a series of experimental surgeries gives guests the ability to double jump. “He was your typical customer who thinks the world revolves around them. Every little inconvenience is a crisis: ‘Oh, my room is too small!’ ‘My coffee is too hot!’ ‘My map shows a blacked-out area behind the mini-fridge that is clearly meant to be accessible with the sledgehammer but I managed to get in accidentally by cheesing the bubble wand and now I’m worried I screwed up progression!’ It’s like, give me a break. Is this your first day on planet Earth?”
“Mr. Aaron was fuming by the time he came back with the grapple launcher,” continued Spangler. “But what could I tell him? There’s just a certain way we do things around here. Is the non-linearity confusing? Sometimes. Is the thrilling exploration occasionally overshadowed by fatigue? Maybe. Did we throw a totally bullshit buzzsaw platforming section in at the end that’s inexplicably necessary to get the good ending? Absolutely. But all that pales in comparison to the joy of discovery our hotel brings.”
Aaron’s husband and two kids, who mostly waited in the lobby while Aaron reshaped his mind, body, and soul to ensure their comfort, reflected on the night’s events from the safety of their new room.
“He’s still the man I love, but he’s different,” said Aaron’s husband Neil. “He fears the color yellow now, and he refuses to touch another map. I keep telling him there are no more secret areas, no more doors that need three medallions, but he doesn’t believe me.”
At press time, authorities announced the hotel would be shut down in the coming days due to rampant property damage by guests as well as multiple building safety violations, with experts citing “yeah, it’s basically one big fire hazard”.
