IRVINE, Calif. — Second Dinner, the studio behind “Marvel Snap,” announced in their most recent newsletter that the next card to be added to the popular online game would be renowned comic writer Alan Moore. Marvel fans will know Moore for his character-defining work on “Captain Britain,” and everyone else will know Moore for all the weird sex stuff he writes about.
The announcement states, “Fans have been suggesting we add writers and artists to the games since Snap first launched, and we’re all thrilled to honor Alan Moore with his own card. He’s a three-cost, two-power card that adds weird sex stuff to every location. We’ve been noticing a real lack of pervy, unexpected, and sometimes deeply uncomfortable gameplay in the current meta, and we think Moore will help us fill that hole. Pun intended.”
Players who were lucky enough to grab the Alan Moore card from the Spotlight Cache on day one offered some thoughts on social media.
On the more positive side, Reddit user beepmynosecrack32 stated that they found the card, “…easy to add to pretty much every deck type. My opponent can usually anticipate my next move when I’m using a discard deck, but when I play Alan Moore and two penises emerge from the cloaca of their Reptile, it really throws them off. Groot yelling, ‘I AM GROOT’S WOODY PHALLIC ROOT DICK,’ helps too.” X user Baileyboo42 was less enthusiastic, tweeting, “When my cards start licking each other’s nipples, It’s hard to keep track of what I have on the board. There’s also like, a loud moan whenever Venom eats a card? Is that a bug?”
As for Moore himself, he seems pretty displeased with Second Dinner’s use of his likeness.
“I’ll be suing to have my name taken off the bloody card just as soon as I get done with my next wizard orgy,” tweeted Moore in a rare public statement. “The weird sex stuff these phone game blokes have tossed artlessly into their pitiful excuses for interactive children’s entertainment is, quite frankly, an amateur’s idea of what weird sex stuff looks like. I believe the establishment is afraid to show the subjects of their fascist iconography sucking or fucking anything more imaginative than a prick or a vulva. Bloody sad state of affairs.”
“Marvel Snap” is an important, groundbreaking piece of art that has redefined the medium and is available to download for free now.
You walk into your classroom and realize with a shiver of elation that you have a substitute teacher today. Soon, it’s tech time, which means it’s time to find a game online that you can plausibly tell the teacher is, “something you’re allowed to play because it’s educational.”
We’ve compiled a list of games that look educational enough to satisfy an exhausted freelancer who just wants to get to the end of the day without talking to you for too long.
1. Casino World Free Online Poker
This one requires some thinking ahead. We recommend only playing Free Online Poker if you know at least a day ahead of time that you will have a substitute, since you’ll need to steal your Dad’s credit card. Once you’re set up, however, just tell the sub that you’re “studying probability.” They’ll nod in appreciation and wander back to their desk.
2. Roblox
Before playing Roblox, evaluate the age of the sub. If they’re over 30, chances are they’ll see geometric shapes on your screen and assume you’re learning about polyhedrons or some crap. If the sub is under 20, however, you’ll have to do a little extra work. You’ll need to make your avatar a shirt that says “Numerator” on the back and change your username to “Multiples of 12”. That should be enough.
3. Runescape
Technically, Runescape is old enough to count as a history project in some curriculums, but even if it doesn’t, you should have no trouble passing this game off as educational. Turn down the graphics settings, and Runescape looks identical to any history game you’d play on IXL or ABCmouse or whatever weird program your school uses.
4. Minecraft, but make sure to build some things first
Minecraft is unfortunately pretty recognizable. Statistically, you own a backpack that gives away what Minecraft is. So if you want to play Minecraft with a sub around, start by building the following:
A big red “2”
A big blue “+”
A big yellow “1”
Congratulations! Depending on your grade, you’re either learning your colors or learning addition.
5. Fortnite, but with some preparation
If you want to play Fortnite on your school computer, you’re going to need to bribe the tech guy early in the school year. A couple of Starbucks gift cards should do the trick. Next, you’ll need to purchase and equip the Peabody skin. Once you’ve done these things, all you have to do is tell the substitute you’re playing a “nutrition game.” Never mind that nobody plays games about nutrition anymore. They did when that sub was in school. Ask your parents about Chex Quest sometime.
Since the dawn of pop culture, vinyl collectibles have been a highly sought-after addition to any media’s merchandise repertoire. As production has become more accessible, companies such as Youtooz have popped up, allowing anyone with a modicum of internet following to get their own figure collection through sponsorships.
The only problem being that, beyond the big names like Jacksepticeye, MrBeast and various brand partnerships, nobody seems to know who all these content creators are.
“It diversifies the brand, you know? More people means more money coming in, means more names under our belt, means brand loyalty,” said Youtooz 3D modeler Jensen Kiersten. “And, like, if we get it big enough, we’ll be immune to controversy. Who’s gonna complain about who we sign on when everyone’s got Youtooz of their unproblematic faves?”
As of late, this has been tested with recent Youtooz releases, ranging from controversial adult animated series Big Mouth to plush penises. Recently, the company revealed tie-in Helluva Boss figures — another show with past controversies.
“Wait, what the fuck, they made Big Mouth ones?” said outraged collector Sandra Neil, who runs a popular YouTube channel centered around informed media consumption. “I thought they were just Established Titles but for cheap figures! They pay you to shill, and give you a little Funko of yourself! And isn’t Big Mouth the show about kids fucking?”
Upon correction that Big Mouth is a satirical adult comedy about coming-of-age and teen sexuality, Sandra adjusted her statement.
“Well, that’s not as bad, but it was still weird when that one character fucked a pillow and it was alive and had little pillow children. They didn’t make a figure of the pillow, did they?” Sandra added, while removing her various Youtooz from her collector’s shelf.
Currently, Youtooz has not released a figure or plush fitting that description, although they have made a figure of Nick, the main character, who sources in the collecting community describe as ‘looking like a dog about to piss itself’ and ‘an affront to Funko.’
“We got a few uggos in there,” said a source from Youtooz upper management who requested to remain anonymous. “To be frank, we just search keywords on YouTube and filter by popular. Then we send out sponsorship emails. I don’t even know who JellyBean is, but the kids like ’em, so who really cares?”
At press time, rumor had it the next Youtooz drop would be of budding TikTok Star Osama Bin Laden.
ANIMAL VILLAGE — Multiple sources have confirmed that the local branch of the Farway Museum has, like, absolutely no room for new exhibits or artifacts.
“You see, I’ve only been allotted so much space to display our collection,” said Blathers, the museum’s curator. “Resident Services are a bit sticky about that, eh wot. It’s actually astonishing how much we’ve been able to fit in here, given the tiny plot of land allocated to us. We’ve even expanded a little over time. Alas, we have no room for duplicate items. If I could purchase them for my own collection, I would. Unfortunately, I am but a humble curator and lack the endowment necessary for such transactions, so I must simply reject any donations for items or animals we are already exhibiting. Plus, I can’t say that I like the idea of a beetle having a comrade.”
Ai Villager, the Animal Village resident who donated the entirety of the museum’s collection, said she was confused and disappointed by the policy.
“Don’t museums usually have extensive archives for this kind of stuff?” said Ai. “This island is a hotbed for fossils from literally every geological era. It makes no sense to not have a catalog of fossils from different individuals for comparative purposes. Hell, I don’t know, buy a 3D-scanner so you can at least have a digital version to examine. But it’s not just fossils. I found a second legitimate copy of the Mona Lisa—you know, the most famous painting of all time? No one even knew it existed! I brought it to the museum, but Blathers wasn’t interested. I had nowhere to put it. Now, a groundbreaking historical discovery is in the mitts of a couple of juvenile raccoons. That doesn’t seem like it’s good for anyone.”
Robert Farway, president and lead curator of the Farway Museum, noted that Blather’s policy was not unusual.
“I’m not saying I approve of the practice, but I know it is a common approach in our provincial branches as well as independent rural museums,” said Farway. “Places like Pelican Town’s renowned Library & Museum face a similar issue regarding space, and the museum on Coral Island follows an identical policy. I’m told things are much the same in a place called Dinkum, but frankly I was overwhelmed and confused when I heard about that situation. I suppose it’s better than nothing. Those poor souls in Cozy Grove can only see their collections in a journal.”
At press time, the museum’s cafe claimed to have almost no available seating despite being entirely empty.
Exophobia bills itself as a first-person Metroidvania, but that’s not terribly accurate. It feels more like someone tried to port the original System Shock to the Game Boy.
Exophobia is the debut project fromJosé Castanheira, a solo developer from Portugal. He describes the game as being “retro-inspired,” but it’s gone further than that. Exophobia is packed fat with chunky pixels, like it was designed to be played on a 12-inch CRT. If Castanheira had told me it was the HD remaster of a 1994 PC game, I’d have had to believe him.
In Exophobia, you’re an unnamed grunt aboard a human-crewed spaceship on an exploratory mission. Your ship found a new planet and immediately crash-landed there, but the locals took immediate offense to your presence. When you wake up at the start of the game, you’re the last human standing.
From there, your primary goal is to stay alive. Exophobia features no dialogue and tells its story through its environment, the names of its achievements, and a handful of hidden files. There’s more to its narrative than there initially appears to be, but most of it’s old news by the time you enter the story. All that’s left to do is shoot your way out.
You’re initially equipped with a suit of armor, a salvaged alien plasma gun, and a slide kick that you can use to either knock aliens flying or duck under obstacles. That’s about all you’ve got for help as you navigate what’s left of the spaceship, which is a sprawling four-level maze full of hostile aliens and malfunctioning equipment.
Exophobia’s map is the first thing that put me in mind of the ‘90s, as it’s got the same vaguely surreal feel as the Earth or Mars levels in Doom. A couple of areas are identifiable at a glance as ships or facilities, but it’s otherwise impossible to imagine Exophobia’s spaceship as anything other than the setting for a first-person shooter. The ship is a warren of narrow corridors, bottomless pits, conveyor belts that go nowhere, random lasers, ziplines, and inexplicable walls of fire. Nobody could’ve actually worked or lived here.
Don’t get me wrong: I actually think that’s a lot of fun. This used to be the status quo, but everyone lost track of it in the late ‘90s as video games started to figure out how their narrative worked. It’s always fun to see a big stupid death maze in a game that could never have been anything besides a big stupid death maze, even if my first reaction is to make jokes about OSHA.
Your first real challenge in Exophobia is simply figuring out what you’re supposed to do. It doesn’t have any of the training wheels you expect from a modern game, like waypoints or a quest log. There’s a decent in-game map, but its battery only lasts a couple of minutes. It’s not a bad idea to keep physical notes as you go.
The second real challenge is dealing with the aliens. Exophobia is tough, but in a particular way where you have little room to make mistakes. You start with shaprly limited health, and while you can heal for free at any save point, the game loves to make you run through long gauntlets of traps and aliens.
One on one, most of the aliens in Exophobia aren’t a real threat. They’re there to wear you down with ambushes or stray bullets or by sheer weight of numbers. You’re the fastest thing in the game, so you can run circles around almost anything you fight, but so many of the action sequences in Exophobia are set in close quarters that it neutralizes that advantage.
The bosses are probably the highlight of the overall experience. Each one immediately hits you with everything it has, within seconds of the fight starting. They do have patterns you can exploit, but it takes a few attempts to figure them out.
What I like is that the bosses aren’t simply giant sacks of health. If you figure them out, you can end each boss fight in well under a minute. It’s just a question of learning the encounter.
There’s a lot I like about Exophobia, but it’s one of those games where I couldn’t recommend it without a short conversation. It’s a ‘90s throwback that plays like a stripped-down immersive sim and a “boomer shooter,” so it’s an attempt to appeal to nostalgia from a few different, potentially exclusive directions. I’d want to know more about somebody before I put Exophobia in front of them.
I could also point to a couple of fiddly mechanical issues. I don’t like that your map reverts to its default state whenever you load a save, so you can’t tell where you’ve been, or that it frequently seems to reward you for clearing a boss fight with a file that hints at how to beat that fight.
There’s a slim line between unhelpful and obtuse, and Exophobia often hops back and forth across that line just to screw with you. This, too, is the ‘90s PC gaming experience, and even in the ‘90s, that wasn’t for everyone.
Gaming is as big as it’s ever been and more accessible as it’s ever been. More people than ever before are playing video games but just because one plays video games does not mean they are a gamer. For you see there are certain rules, nay, directives that one must follow in order to be considered a True Gamer™. Coming from the most divine of sources, it is this most sacred of holy text that separates the filthy casual scrubs from the real gamers. These are the 10 Gamer Commandments.
Thou Shalt Not Give False Player Reports
Anytime you have a Heated Gaming Moment and don’t emerge victorious the temptation to accuse the person who bested you of cheating or otherwise playing dishonorably. Swallow your pride, and accept that sometimes there is a sweatier gamer than you. Besides, we all know it was due to lag anyway.
Thou Shalt Not Team Kill
We’ve all been there. You really wanted the sniper and someone else picks it up before you can, and now the whole match is at stake. It would be so simple to just walk up behind them and toss a grenade or unload your magazine on them, and take what is rightfully yours. Just know that in so doing you are not only further lowering the chances of winning the match, but also tarnishing your very soul.
Thou Shalt Not Covet Your Neighbor’s Gaming Rig
Picture this: A friend posts a picture of their new PC build on Discord. How do you react? Do you glance sidelong at your own aging rig, with its sagging GPU and well worn inputs, and long for something else? Something new? Resist the temptation to judge yourself against what others have, be grateful to be a PC gamer at all. Remember, some people are still forced to play on consoles.
Thou Shalt Have No Other Hobbies or Interests Before Games
Video games aren’t just a hobby, or a pleasant way to spend your free time. They are a way of life. True Gamers™ understand that nothing is more important in life than gaming, and they won’t let anything get in their way or prevent them from exercising their Gamer Rights. Family, romantic entanglements, basic hygiene. These are just a few of the devils you must vanquish to remain true to The Gamer Path.
Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord GabeN’s Name in Vain
Gabe Newell, patron Saint of Gamers, may live a life that consists of collecting large knives and even larger yachts, but in his heart of hearts he is no different than you or I. If ever you question his revered status just ask: Is your Steam library not overflowing? Is the Steam Deck not an elegant solution to the decades long problem of not being able to comfortably game while you’re on the can? Ask these, then take solace in knowing the answer to both is a resounding “Yes!”, and praise his name.
Thou Shalt Keep The Steam Sale Holy
The Steam Sale A.K.A. Gamer Holy Days are both revered and feared by gamers. Revered for the incredible value GabeN’s Grace delivers unto us, and feared because we tithe our entire salary, leaving ourselves destitute. But at least we finally own a copy of Rust that we will definitely install and play.
Honor Thy Kojima And Thy Miyamoto
We are not worthy to look upon the visages of these two great men, let alone share the same world as them. Know their names and study their works. Every game that was, every game that is, and every game that shall be has been touched by their influence. We are merely dirt beneath their feet.
Suffer Not a Woman’s Video Game Opinions
Women don’t play games. Any woman who tells you that they enjoy playing games is a liar and can’t be trusted. If by some miracle you are able to get a woman to speak to you, let alone speak to you about video games, know that they are playing a solo game of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” where everything is made up, and the things they say don’t matter.
Thou Shalt Not Use Summons In Souls Games
“But Miyazaki said summons were fine,” Did he, or was he speaking in coded language only True Gamers™ can comprehend? Oh, how easily some of you have been fooled. Miyazaki-san was testing you, and you failed.
Thou Shalt Not Enjoy Playing Video Games
True Gamers™ know that gaming isn’t about having fun, it’s about ensuring the people who make the games you play understand how much better of a job you could have done if you’d been the one calling the shots.
SAN DIEGO — A committed cosplayer is making waves at this year’s Comic-Con. The unidentified cosplayer has spent much of the event running around the San Diego Convention Center, shouting for his missing son. Convention attendees are hailing it as the best Heavy Rain cosplay ever.
“AIDEN! AIDEN! WHERE ARE YOU, AIDEN!” the cosplayer shouted, nearly in tears. “AIDEN CAN YOU HEAR ME? AIDEN? AIDEN? ADIEN!!”
Attendees lucky enough to spot the cosplayer on the convention floor have been deeply moved by his performance, with some stating that his wails of pain feel authentic and downright scary.
“Sure, he should be yelling Shaun and not Aiden, but he’s so convincing that I’m willing to forgive the mistake,” said one convention attendee . “He even ramped things up to another level by pulling up a picture of his son on his phone and showing it to me. He’s committed to the character.”
The unidentified cosplayer gave a masterclass as he continued the crowd work portion of his performance.
“You! Have you seen this child? He’s ten. About four feet tall. Loves his PlayStation. Have you seen him” the cosplayer asked a member of the crowd who shook their head in response.
He continued the same line of questioning with each member of the crowd, each one shaking their head with a gleeful smile.
“He’s like a living breathing Ethan Mars,” said one attendee.
“I really need to give Heavy Rain another go,” stated another member of the crowd.
The crowd continued to grow as the man’s performance powered on.
“WON’T ANY OF YOU HELP ME? PLEASE HELP? MY BABY BOY IS MISSING. AIDEN. AIDEN WHERE ARE YOU,” The cosplayer shouted as he made his way across the convention floor with the crowd on his heels.
At press time, all presentations were postponed so presenters could catch a glimpse of this amazing cosplayer’s performance.
WASHINGTON — Fans of laughter rejoice, as the FCC has launched an investigation into the webcomic “Level Down” for complete lack of jokes.
“This webcomic has never successfully landed a punchline,” said FCC chair Jessica Rosenworcel. “In the description of the comic the author claims the comic has ‘fun jokes, sarcasm, and pop culture references.’ So, to us, this is a classic case of false advertisement. Sure, Level Down has a ton of sarcasm and pop culture references, but any humor is completely missing. We brought in dozens of independent observers to read the comic’s archive and no one cracked a smile. We haven’t seen anything like this since our investigation into Penny Arcade.”
Level Down’s author Phillip Gore spoke harshly in response to the allegations against their work of creative excrement.
“Sorry the FCC doesn’t understand internet humor,” said the profoundly unfunny Gore in a room surrounded by Funko Pops. “I’ve got a crazy cast of characters who all have distinct personalities. You have the sarcastic game developer Grover, the sardonic web developer Tu-Tu, the frequently facetious app developer Ponyo, and of course the gorgeous Tyla, an endearingly snide Javascript expert. In this comic, Grover turns right to the audience and asks how this other character, who shares an opposing opinion to my own, could be so stupid. To the audience! Like in Deadpool!”
Defenders of Level Down cite that its cringeworthy non-humor is simply meeting the industry standard.
“People should not expect jokes from a humor webcomic,” explained President of Webcomics Artist United Dante Montez. “We find it’s much easier to just create a thinly-veiled self-insert character that is much more attractive than the artist in real life. Now that’s entertainment. People come to these comics for the terrible art and predictable, inhuman sounding dialogue. If we took that away, what would we have? Something worth reading? Maybe. But for some reason they keep filling up our Patreons regardless.”
At press time, the new Level Down comic was posted on /r/comics and any users criticizing it were swiftly banned.
“A tornado rating, it’s not based on size or wind speed – it’s based on damage”. These are words spoken by self-proclaimed tornado wrangler Tyler Owens late in the second act of Twisters, the stand-alone follow up to 1996’s Twister. Those words cut to the heart of the film’s themes of overcoming trauma and facing your fears, two things I had to do while watching the film as for some unknown reason some guy decided to sit right next to me in the theater.
Above all Twisters is a film made for the theatrical experience and it’s a wonderful reminder that movies are in fact better on the big screen, in a theater with others. As Glen Powell’s sugar daddy and everyone’s favorite Xenu worshiper Tom Cruise would say, “big movie, big screen, loved it.” But there’s no reason this man had to sit in the seat right next to me. The theater wasn’t empty but there were plenty of empty seats he could have taken that were further away from me. The movie theater functions on urinal rules, everyone knows this except for this one man apparently.
It can never really be overstated how great it is to witness the spectacle of a film like Twisters at the cinema. The awe inspiring destructive beauty of the tornadoes, the heart beneath it all, the moments of humor and the glorious F5 of charisma that is Glen Powell are the things the multiplex was made for. What they are not made for however is to be seated next to an inconsiderate slob who purposefully sits next to random strangers when he doesn’t have to, spills popcorn everywhere, takes his shoes off and vaguely resembles someone from high school.
As I sat there, completely mesmerized by the classic blockbuster filmmaking that director Lee Isaac Chung, all that went through my mind was this guy, sitting next to me and all the empty seats he could have taken and why he seems determined to usurp the middle armrest from me. If he wanted two armrests he should have taken one of the dozens of lone seats available, he chose to sit next to me, he doesn’t get the armrest too. I could have sat right next to people as well but I didn’t because I’m a civilized person with manners, as were the other six people in the theater who were there by themselves, which by the way doesn’t make us lonely.
Now it’s not like I’m some weirdo hermit who never makes contact with other people but the whole reason I go to movies on Tuesday matinees is because not only is it cheaper which allows me to continue buying Starbucks and avocado toast but because there’s less people. If it was a full theater okay fine I understand but it wasn’t. This man went online to book his tickets, saw all the empty seats and consciously chose to buy the seat right next to me. If there’s another political assassination attempt, this guy is your number one suspect because he’s clearly not right in the head.
Sure I could have moved and part of me wanted to go to another seat as fast as one of the magnificent twisters that are beautiful realized by the films special effects but this was a seat in the very middle row and I am more stubborn than the rogue piece of popcorn that got caught in this guy’s hair and refused to fall. I bought my seat first, he should have moved.
After almost 2 hours of watching hot charismatic people chase giant vortexes of destruction out of the corner of my eye as I gave this man the death stare for his baffling life choices I realized something. As he accidentally spilled his drink while marking out over the 10 second Paul Scheer cameo, I realized that he wasn’t a man, he was an angel of darkness sent by the gods to punish my misdeeds.
ST. LOUIS — Following a Steam Summer Sale that was devastating to his wallet, local gamer, Nathan Colins vowed to cut spending on his Steam library.
The newly self-proclaimed financial conservative committed to these funding cuts during his latest Twitch stream.
“I took all my credit cards off of Steam. The frivolous spending has gotten out of hand,” Colin admitted while browsing his Steam library of over 3000 titles. “Why in God’s name did I buy the entire Freddi Fish collection? I am never going to play that. Ok, actually I might play Case of the Stolen Conch Shell some day, but the rest of the collection is just wasteful spending.”
Colins continued to question his spending as he worked his way down his massive collection of Steam games. It all led to a moment of madness when the now responsible gamer started to consider all the practical things the money could have been spent on.
“Animal Well? Dredge? Hollow Knight? I could have spent all that money on early access for College Football 25,” Colins said, wincing in pain with every unplayed title he passed in his library. “I could have been investing this money toward the Fortnite Crew pack, or buying some sweet COD skin. Why did I buy all these snobby indie games? Never again, I tell you. Never again.”
Colin’s new lease on life was quickly challenged when he opened up the Steam store for the first time since committing to his new financial policies.
“Oh no. The ‘Games You’ll Play Once and Never Touch Again Fest’ just started,” Colins lamented as he browsed some of the deals. “Spyro Reignited Trilogy is only twenty bucks. Ripto’s Rage is worth that price alone. No, Nathan! Must not give in. Must not show weakness. Must commit to being financially responsible.”
At press time, Colins tearfully pulled out his wallet to enter his credit card information back into Steam.