Jacob Biddle, Author at Hard Drive

I Left My Wife for God’s Favorite Princess Shadowheart

Posted on February 21, 2024 by Brendan Osorio

Hello, come on into my office. I am The Gamer Psychologist, Dr. Gregory Van Larson. Have a seat.

As a happily married man with several kids, a vacation house, and a fairly high end boat, I often find it difficult to relate to my younger patients who are falling into parasocial relationships with digital characters. I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life studying relationships, but I’ve never seen anything like this uptick in what many call “NPC Simping.”

The only NPC I simp for is my wife, Veronica.

But I have a responsibility to help my patients. And boat payments to cover. So I won’t be an armchair academic. It’s time to get my hands dirty and walk a mile in my patient’s pathetic little shoes.

I have begun an experiment to see what it would be like to date one such character, the alleged ‘perfect goth gf’ Shadowheart of Baldur’s Gate 3. What follows below are my notes.

I modeled my character after Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I. – a real man, unlike my sick little gamer cash cows who keep falling in love with a few curvy pixels on a computer screen.

Magnum was a Vietnam veteran, so I chose the Ranger class with the soldier background. A little testosterone never hurt. I also took proficiencies in Intimidation and Investigation as he is a Private Detective.

Time to meet my digital bride.

The Meet Cute

Shadowheart: You! Get me out of this damn thing!

We meet Shadowheart trapped inside a pod on a Nautiloid, a mindflayer ship. I am given the option to try and save her, or leave her for dead on the advice of my capable new friend Lae’zel. It seems the three of us share the same affliction of being infected with mind flayer tadpoles eating away at our brains, nasty business.

I decide it’s time to act. I’m not like these kids who come into my office crying because their NSFW Simp Twitter Accounts got “ratioed.” When I see a woman in distress, I help her.

Shadowheart: One thing, just before we go. I wanted to thank you again for freeing me.

I’m happy to have saved a stranger in need and gained another new companion in my quest to rid my brain of this disgusting mindflayer parasite, however I worry the dynamic between us may already set a dangerous precedent. It’s possible (almost reasonable) she may see me as a hyper masculine hero who bravely saved her from certain doom.

Or perhaps she could fear in the future I may create a harmful situation from which I would have to swoop in boldly and save her. Though how could I want any harm to come to my new companion? I find such mysterious comfort in her soft face… Well not so much comfort, she’s just an empty husk designed for me to project my own feelings onto… right?

The First Test

After Escaping the Mindflayers and devils on the ship I meet Gale and Astarion, two new friends who seem to be real strapping young men like myself.

There’s no sign of Lae’zel until we find her trapped in a cage by some tieflings. Lae’zel of course asks me to free her. However Shadowheart suggests an alternative: kill her right now. Surely this is a rash decision. Or perhaps not?

Maybe I don’t need Lae’zel. Maybe I don’t even need my sweet wife Veronica. Maybe I only need Shadowheart. I should listen to her. Lae’zel is Githyanki after all and all of the literature says they don’t work well with others. I can’t have that, I need a cohesive party if we’re going to get through this experiment with me learning enough about my sick little freak clients. I will do what must be done.

Laezel lies dead before me. She came between me and my Shadowheart. I feel like I’m making good progress on this purely academic study, so I’m canceling the rest of my appointments and social engagements for the week and will finish up this story line.

Besides, I got this very useful gityanki armor for killing my friend. I’d probably have to listen to four hours of little shut-in freaks whine about Instagram finding their inappropriate drawings to afford something like this in real life. It was the right choice.

Getting To Know Her

Shadowheart: There’s something I’ve been wanting to share with you, if now’s a good time…

If this relationship is going to work it’s important I learn more about Shadowheart or at least for the purpose of this experiment and not because every time I look at her I see everything I could have had in life and lost by playing it safe.

Shadowheart: I suppose if we’re to continue together, I may as well tell you. I serve Shar. My home is a secret cloister in Baldur’s Gate.

After traveling with her and talking to her she tells me she’s a follower of Shar, Mistress of the night and Lady of loss. I’ve never been one for religion but for some reason when she talks about this stuff it all makes a lot of sense. Maybe I too should dedicate my life to this set of ideals. Not just to get closer to this beautiful perfect woman but solely for my own benefit.

Basically she’s just really into darkness and shadow it seems? I don’t really know. Completely unrelated, I have chosen Gloomstalker as my subclass.

GLOOM STALKER – Emerging like a horrible gift from the envelope of darkness and shadow, you ambush and put down foes before they can even scream.

She goes on to educate me a little more on Shar’s teachings:

Shadowheart: Pain is sacred to followers of Lady Shar. Pain will give way to loss, and then to the peace of her eternal darkness. You can tolerate a great deal of suffering so long as it has meaning.

Pain is sacred? I hope she’s not expecting me to endure much of that for this courtship. Veronica and I have always shown each other proper respect in the bedroom – politely refusing to express any of our deepest desires.

Shadowheart: We shed those cloaks. Before Shar we stand gloriously naked, beyond the vanities of mortals.

Naked? Both of us? Normally Veronica will keep her shirt on. I will as well. I haven’t seen her topless since the ’90s. Hold on, what’s this guy Abdirak over here talking about?

A Worshiper of Loviatar? Goddess of pain? He wants me to strip down naked and whip me? Gale is Shadowheart watching?

Where were we Shadowheart?

Shadowheart: I think I know what you mean. There’s an undeniable rapport, and yet we haven’t made time for each other. Time alone.

I just put my phone on mute and locked my office door. It’s time to do this Shadowheart.

Shadowheart: Not just yet – let’s choose our moment. Some quiet night, when the others are asleep and there’s no distractions, I’ll come for you.

Um… Sure okay. Yeah that’s fine, I can wait no problem. I mean I don’t really care right? This is just a dumb experiment. I’m not one of those losers who would fall in love with a video game character after just a few small interactions. Whatever. Let’s camp.

Our First Date

After defeating the goblin leaders and saving the Emerald Grove yada yada yada it doesn’t really matter we made it back to camp finally. A few people wanted to talk and congratulate me on my success today but that’s not really important. Shadowheart!? Can we pick up where we left off? Oh after everyone’s gone to bed…

Shadowheart: Best not keep me waiting. I’d prefer not to entertain myself…

Of course not, I don’t want to keep you waiting. I’d never keep you waiting. I don’t even want to wait until everyone’s gone to bed. If these people won’t leave they can watch. They can all watch. I mean why don’t we drink that win right now you know? If you already opened it we might as well drink it up right now gluck gluck gluck.

I’m fine. I’m chill, I’m cool. Let’s see what Astarion is up to.

Astarion: It’s easy for some. You and Shadowheart seem to have a connection. It looks very sweet.

Really? You think we’re sweet together? I haven’t been with anyone else since I met Veronica in high school. I mean she’s just a collection of pixels on my screen. Not like I’m forming an actual connection with her. You’re probably pretty tired huh, pal? Why don’t you and everyone here go to sleep right now.

Finally the two of us have some alone time. It’s at this point I learn that Shadowheart has no memories of her past and doesn’t even know why she gave them up. That’s okay though we can make new memories together! Here under the stars. Just me and her and the parasites living in our brains.

Oh my god we kissed. Am I blushing? No I couldn’t be. Is my office door locked? Maybe I should just put this game down for a while. Or maybe not. I feel so naughty. I should really stay and help Shadowheart get her memories back and finish her mission in Baldur’s Gate. Oh and I guess the fate of the realm is at stake or something. We can get to that too if we have time.

Taking an Interest in Her Hobbies

Shadowheart: The Gauntlet of Shar. This place is legendary – even with half my memories locked away, I still remember the stories…

I’m in the middle of something and Veronica busts into my office without knocking. Is it possible to get a little bit of privacy? I am working. She tells me to turn the game off and pick up our filthy children from school. As if I have any time for those frivolous monsters. They can walk.

I took a lengthy 15 minute break from playing so I feel confident I’ll be able to proceed professionally. Let me just check in on Shadowheart and see how she’s doing since I’ve been away.

Shadowheart: You know, I’ve been catching myself smiling more lately. I think that’s your fault.

Oh huh that’s so funny of her to say that. Wow okay, um anyways so a bunch of people have been asking me to go to this temple to stop some guy named Ketheric or something? I wasn’t really going to go but Shadowheart wanted to so it must be important. I mean where wouldn’t I go with her? I’d travel to the ends of The Sword Coast if she wanted. Would that I be sucked into the game à la Tron so I could be with her fully and deeply.

Shadowheart: I’ve dreamed of this place. This is my destiny – I must complete the trials.

According to her this place is called the Gauntlet of Shar and it’s a sort of holy place where acolytes like her go through these trials so they can become Dark Justiciars. I’m not entirely sure what any of that means but she’s just so precious when she talks about Shar. Veronica hasn’t been passionate about anything in years.

I mean it’s a little concerning how she talks about her Goddess controlling her and taking everything from her. Her memories, her freedom, what else has Shar taken from Shadowheart? Have I been enabling a toxic relationship while trying to form my own absolutely perfect one with her?

Sooooo, things take a turn when it turns out Shar expects Shadowheart to kill “The Nightsong” which is actually an aasimar being held prisoner by the cult named Dame Aylin. Apparently that’s the only way she can become a dark justiciar. I’m not quite sure this is the right thing to do. I worry this is a bad idea, but she’s just so hot when she gets all zealous and emotional about something.

Nightsong: The fate you seal is your own. To be a Dark Justiciar is to turn your heart from everything but loss. You will know no love, no joy – only servitude.

Hmmm I feel like this may kind of get in the way of what we have going on here Shadowheart.

Shadowheart: If I have to step over your corpse to fulfil what Lady Shar asks of me, so be it. Your choice.

Okay fine yeah it’s your choice I get it. If you want to kill this helpless innocent would-be ally and plunge your soul into darkness I understand.

No, this is wrong. How are we going to tell our future children about the time their mother killed the Nightsong? It’s far too dower for my taste. Also probably morally wrong I guess.

Me: Don’t do it, Shadowheart. Don’t kill her – you’ll regret it.

I’m glad she’s willing to listen to me after the time we’ve shared together and formed a special bond. Or because I have really high charisma, either way.

Going Steady

Shadowheart: I… I can’t believe I just did that. Lady Shar will disown me… what will happen to me?

After betraying her Goddess and freeing the Nightsong she’s understandably upset. It’s a good thing I was here to help make this decision for her and irrevocably change her life. It’s for the better though because now we can finally physically express what we’ve been feeling inside for so long.

Besides, she never needed Shar anyways. She has me and that’s all she needs. Shar didn’t save her from that Mindflayer ship, I did. I’m her God!

Shadowheart: I suppose I do, don’t I? You’ve done more to help me than my faith has in recent times, if I’m honest. Thank you.

I’ve haven’t done more for you than your faith. Don’t you see?! I am your faith! I am the alpha and the omega! You exist in this little world for my benefit and mine alone! I am your savior and your protector Shadowheart.

Shadowheart: I’ve squandered too much time already. I want to be with you. Now and always. Do you want the same?

YES! I mean, yeah sure if that’s what you want. Ahem. I mean yes of course for the purpose of this experiment. To help my patients, really. I’m sorry I need to step away for a minute. I’m just sort of short on breath here. Not sure if I’m getting sick or something.

I’m filing for divorce in the morning. What I had with Veronica may have served a purpose, but it was never real. I settled for our relationship because I thought that’s what everyone did. I thought love was something people made up to sell Valentine’s Day cards. Now, for the first time, I see. I see what drives people to write love songs. I see what inspired man to write his first poems. In one sweet, brief, fleeting moment, I understand it all.

You are everything to me Shadowheart.

Meeting The Parents

Shadowheart: My parents are alive and I have to save them. I think a part of me always know that – a part that Shar denied to me.

So after all of that back at the gauntlet we learned that Shadowheart’s parents are still alive somewhere. Also we killed that Ketheric guy and some big skeleton creature but I’m not sure that really matters to the rest of the game. Better make finding her parents top priority.

Shadowheart: Considering all we’ve been through, I think I was very lucky to find such favorable company. And attractive company too, no less.

Also she changed her hair! The guys in my Shadowheart discord are going to love it. I’ve done a lot of reaching on how the stereotype goes of changing one’s hair after a breakup — it’s often a cry for change. The literature is unclear if it applies to breaking up with one’s deity.

After scouring all of Baldur’s Gate we find the House of Grief.

It made me realize I’m grieving in a way. I’m grieving the loss of my beautiful wife Veronica being the most important woman in my life. Those days are behind me now. I’ll always remember the times we had together on my rather high-end boat, but I need to make space for my beloved Shadowheart — who by the way has forgotten literally every detail of her life.

We will start fresh together.

Shadowheart: Mother Superior…Viconia DeVir.

We quickly meet Shadowheart’s mother superior Viconia DeVir, not to be confused with her mother Shar. Neither of course being her real mother who I presume is being held prisoner here somewhere.

We quickly butcher everyone here including Viconia. She reminded me of my soon to be former wife Veronica. She had to go. Though I’m not sure if murdering one matronly figure and being covered in blood is the proper way to meet your partner’s parents but I think given the circumstances they’ll understand.

Wow there they are. What an honor. Not sure I expected it to be this way but moments are what you make them. Should we all get out of here and grab dinner?

Shar. You see? It matters not if you raze this place, if you slay every one of your brothers and sisters. That was never where my power resided.

So, bad news. Looks like we’re not going to make that dinner reservation because we have to kill Shadowheart’s parents in order to free her from Shar’s control and end everyone’s suffering. Boy this is a lot to unpack.

Me: You should end their suffering, and yours.

In psychology school they don’t exactly tell you how to handle a situation where one person tells their partner to kill their parents in any context. How am I to be expected to make this decision for anyone, let alone someone I love? I mean uh a character in a game you know? Ah screw it I can’t lie to you people anymore. I love this woman and I can’t stand to see her or her parents in pain any longer. She has to kill them now so we can be together. That feels really dangerous to say I’m worried I may have crossed a line.

It’s done though. They’re glowing balls of light now. Which is good I think?

It’s Finally Happening

Shadowheart: Wait until the others are asleep, then come with me. There’s a place we can go, down the coast a litte.

After a day or so of processing killing her parents, it seems Shadowheart is finally ready to take our relationship to the next level. It’s what they would have wanted, babe.

Shadowheart: I can still feel the Shadowfell all over me…still hear her words in my ear. I feel…unclean.

She tells me that she wants to wash away all the memories and dark feelings of her past serving Shar. Not only that but she needs my help and she wants to meet “down the coast a little” when “the others are asleep.” I’m closing the blinds in my office..

What a beautiful night. Her silver hair glistening in the moonlight, it just feels like this is the right moment everything has been leading up to.

Shadowheart: This will do. Take off your clothes.

You don’t have to tell me twice. Let me just close my office door real quick, wouldn’t want Veronica walking in. I’ll tell her that it’s over in the morning. She can have the kids, I’ll keep the boat and my sweet beloved Shadowheart.

A perfect evening. Except for the weird glitch where Shadowheart’s hair switched back to black, absolutely perfect.

If making love to my reformed goth gf who I assisted in committing patricide 15 minutes ago is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

In Conclusion

Clearly Shadowheart and I have a special and deeply ardent love for eachother. This goes beyond any sort of boyish crush my patients may think they have with some random video game floozy. They’re just a bunch of pathetic incels too sad to go out and find a real partner. Shadowheart and I are different, I know that more than I know my own boat’s name. Which I’m now changing to The Shadow Sailor.

In fact I dare any of my loser patients to challenge me with any other so called romanceable companion in a game and I assure you I won’t share the same bond as I do with God’s favorite princess. Just don’t pick anyone else from Baldur’s Gate right away, I do unfortunately have clients to see eventually.

Ongoing: Tekken 8 Novice Still Being Air Comboed in Ranked Match

Posted on February 21, 2024 by Matt Ringler

DENVER, CO — Hard Drive has learned of an ongoing situation involving Tekken 8 novice, Sam Barclay, who is currently being air comboed in a ranked match.

“I’ve been practicing a lot offline with Law and thought I had him figured out pretty well. I decided to jump into some ranked matches and, well, here we are,” said Barclay over the phone, the sounds of Law being juggled audible in the background. “I tried to open with a Knuckle Barrage Combo, but was blocked and punished. I haven’t touched the ground since.”

Barclay, not unfamiliar with fighting games, but new to Tekken 8, informed Hard Drive that this wasn’t the first time something like this has happened to him.

“I played a lot of Dragon Ball FighterZ in the past. I’m used to being comboed without ever getting a hit in.”

Despite these setbacks, Barclay remains confident he’ll be able to play in another match soon.

“The person on the other end will have to go to the bathroom or go to bed at some point. I have some chores around the house I can do in the meantime.”

Friends and family are concerned about Barclay’s unique predicament.

“We were at dinner yesterday and he kept checking the time and saying ‘maybe it’s over, maybe I should be getting back,” David Barclay, Sam’s brother, said. “It’s like he’s not even present when he’s being air comboed and I just miss the times we had together before all this started.

When asked by reporters, Barclay confirmed he wouldn’t just resign from the match.

“That would just be in bad taste. It’s not like I’m stuck in a grab combo from a King player.”

At press time, Barclay was still being air comboed. We will update as the story develops.

But What if It Works? Dead Friend Invited to Fortnite Party

Posted on February 21, 2024 by Kyle Erf

MILWAUKEE – Three friends have reportedly taken the opportunity to invite a much-loved, deceased squadmate on the off chance that he will carry them once again.

“I was sitting in the Fortnite lobby when we got an Xbox notification that Joe’s account had just signed on and then immediately signed out,” said local gamer Steve Caretti, 25. “I’m sure it was probably a family member just turning on the console or whatever, but we kind of egged ourselves into sending him an invite.”

Significant others in nearby rooms report hearing the party of three former highschool friends first joke, “Fortnite has LeBron James, Naruto, and maybe a portal to heaven,” and about “needing a W,” followed by an extended silence as Caretti sent an invite to the late Joseph Chandler, known on Xbox Live as JeepGrandJoey98.

“We sort of chatted while waiting for him to – and I know this won’t happen – squad up with us,” continued Caretti. “Mike joked that [Joe]’s gamertag was kind of ironic now… I know it’s been eight months since the crash but I’m personally not ready to joke about it.”

“Mike’s a good guy though don’t get me wrong, just kind of twisted but funny like that,” he added.

As for whether or not such a feat is within the realm of reality, Head of Xbox Phil Spencer stated, “It is not the policy of Xbox or Microsoft to affirm or disavow the existence of God, gods, any other underlying reality above this mortal realm, or our technology’s interfacing therein. However, I will say my personal belief is that they do have the Series X in heaven.”

A series of ministers, rabbis, and one imam were asked for their perspectives over email but did not respond. One youth pastor did return a request for comment but only noted, “There is only one ‘cross’ play that really matters, and that was when God gave his only son to save humanity…”

At press time, Steve Caretti and party were still silently, hopefully waiting on JeepGrandJoey98 to accept their invite, do that silly voice he does that gets annoying after two minutes, and make everything like how it used to be.

Photo source: YourSixGaming on YouTube

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #977 February 21, 2024

Posted on February 21, 2024 by Michelle Pereira

Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 21.

We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.

Already Feb 22 at your location? Try our Wordle answer page for that day instead!

Wordle Hint Today 977 February 21, 2024

Here’s a hint with the meaning of today’s Wordle answer

Used as a verb most commonly: to construct, assemble, or create something, such as a structure, or object.

Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter

The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

“D”

Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter

The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

“L”

Wordle Hint Today Third Letter

The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:

“I”

Wordle Hint Today Second Letter

The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:

“U”

Wordle Hint Today First Letter

The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:

“B”

Today’s Wordle Answer

And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.

Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.

That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 483 days straight! So here goes nothing:

3…

2…

1…

The Wordle answer today is “BUILD”

Previous Wordle Answers With Their Definitions

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #976 February 20, 2024

Wordle #975 For February 19, 2024

“PRICE“

The amount of money or value that must be paid or exchanged to acquire goods or services.

Wordle #974 For February 18, 2024

“RIDGE“

A long, narrow, elevated area of land that forms a crest or a continuous line along the top of a mountain, or hill.

Wordle #973 For February 17, 2024

“PSALM“

A sacred song or hymn, typically from a specific titular Biblical book, which is a collection of religious poems and prayers found in the Old Testament of the Bible.

Wordle #972 For February 16, 2024

“STASH“

As a noun: a secret or hidden supply of something, typically valuable or desirable items.

As a verb: to hide or store something away, often for future use or for safekeeping.

Wordle #971 For February 15, 2024

“ASCOT“

A type of necktie or cravat that is typically worn with formal attire. It consists of a narrow strip of fabric that is folded over and tied in a manner similar to a scarf, with the ends tucked into the collar of a shirt.

Wordle #970 For February 14, 2024

“TALON“

A sharp, hooked claw of a bird of prey or a predatory animal, particularly one used for seizing and grasping prey.

Wordle #969 For February 13, 2024

“SCRAM“

An informal or colloquial verb that means to leave or go away quickly, often in a hurried or abrupt manner.

Wordle #968 For February 12, 2024

“PASTA“

A type of Italian food made from a dough typically consisting of wheat flour, water, and sometimes eggs, which is formed into various shapes and then cooked by boiling or baking.

Wordle #967 For February 11, 2024

“NEVER“

An adverb that indicates the absence of something happening or occurring at any time in the past, present, or future.

Wordle #966 For February 10, 2024

“FRIED“

An adjective that describes food that has been cooked in oil or fat until it becomes crispy and golden brown on the outside.

Wordle #965 For February 9, 2024

“STIFF“

An adjective that means inflexible, or not easily bent.

Wordle #964 For February 8, 2024

“PLACE“

A specific point or area in space, indicating where something is situated or located.

Wordle #963 For February 7, 2024

“AFTER“

A preposition that denotes the period following a certain moment or event.

Wordle #962 For February 6, 2024

“WHICH“

A pronoun, as well as an interrogative word that is used to introduce a clause that provides additional information about a noun.

Wordle #961 For February 5, 2024

“REPEL“

A verb that means to push away or drive back forcefully, or to cause strong dislike or aversion.

Wordle #960 For February 4, 2024

“VERGE“

A point at which something is about to happen or undergo a change.

Wordle #959 For February 3, 2024

“MICRO“

A prefix meaning small used in scientific, technical, and everyday language to denote something tiny in size or on a miniature scale.

Wordle #958 For February 2, 2024

“CLEFT“

An adjective that describes something that is split or divided, often into two parts.

Wordle #957 For February 1, 2024

“ALIVE“

An adjective that is characterized by the presence of vital signs, such as respiration, heartbeat, and consciousness.

Wordle #956 For January 31, 2024

“BULKY“

An adjective used to describe something that is large, heavy, and takes up a lot of space.

Here’s the Review We Would Write if We Could Play Helldivers 2

Posted on February 20, 2024 by Ajay Kaakarni

The wait is over! Helldivers 2 is here and we’re proud to serve our readers a timely, detailed review of the game – despite the fact we’ve been completely unable to play it. Naturally, we can’t let the game’s unexpected popularity, server issues, or needing to change up your BIOS settings get in the way of our journalistic duty to bring our readers a well-researched, informative review. Based on our experience with the game, here’s our take:

Helldivers 2 seems to be a game.

According to Google, it’s a “Shooter Game,” by Arrowhead Game Studios. It has around 450,000 concurrent players, of which we certainly weren’t included. Most shooters have guns, so we feel pretty comfortable assuming that. There’s a few on the cover, anyway. You use that gun (guns?) to shoot big bugs. Oh, and it’s third person. It’s also (probably?) the highly anticipated sequel to Helldivers 1, I assume – otherwise the name is crazy.

The story is a bit lacking. Or maybe it’s great. The bugs look like the bad guys. Maybe you’re the bad guy. The opening cutscene was funny – a tongue-in-cheek tone similar to Starship Troopers, which added some great comedic relief before we couldn’t dive right in.

Look, can I be honest with you? That’s basically all I got. I’m trying here. And we need the SEO juice of being first, so this article has to go up. Please just keep reading or maybe comment below what the game is like so I can fix my review. Ok, let’s get back to it.

We’re happy to report that the error screen you get when the servers are full is aesthetically pleasing and easy on the eyes. The font is legible, and a helpful timer sits just underneath, letting you know when it will retry to connect, which is perfect for folks who can’t play. Like us.

The timer usually counts down to zero then just restarts. A bit of a grind but also somewhat thrilling always imagining if this will be the time you get in.

It won’t be.

Overall, Helldivers 2 is a fun, chaotic co-op romp through space, we guess. That’s what we’re told. You might like it! Heck, it could just be okay. Or maybe it’s bad. That seems unlikely though? It’s hard to say, really. We’ve heard the devs are working on it 24/7. Must be a software problem. If there was a timeout for idle players sitting in their ships so they don’t have to worry about getting back in, we could deliver something more informative and well-rounded, but there isn’t, so this is the best we’ve got.

See you on the battlefield eventually, fellow Helldiver! For democracy! (That seems to be something people who get into the game say when they come out of it.)

I Never Thought I Was the Kind of Person to Fall for a Scam Until a Raccoon Told Me He’d Help Me Start an Island Village

Posted on February 20, 2024 by Matt Fresh

I never thought it could happen to me. No way would I ever fall for a scam. I thought I was smarter than that.

Turns out I was wrong.

No matter how smart you think you are, you can still be manipulated.

Over the years I’ve become disenfranchised with life. Late-stage capitalism has eroded society into something that becomes more miserable day by day. Once you’re aware of it, it’s hard to ever truly be fulfilled in a life that has you scraping by in a societal system that will never value you properly.

That’s how he got to me.

His name is Tom Nook, he’s a raccoon. He approached me claiming he could help me find purpose and meaning. My first thought was, “Great, a talking raccoon, I’m gonna be rich.” But he had grander plans.

“Life here is meaningless, you’ll never be happy,” he said, slowly seducing me into his scheme.

“Come with me to island paradise. Help start a village with other talking animals. Live in bliss.”

I couldn’t resist. A chance at a new peaceful life, living amongst talking animals and far away from the evils of capitalism. It was everything I ever wanted. I believed in him so I went.

At first, it seemed so reasonable. When we got to the island it was just us. We had to gather, we had to build. He couldn’t do it because he’s a raccoon so all the work fell to me but I did it because I wasn’t going to make a raccoon cut down trees and build houses.

Then he hit me with the first fee. 98,000 bells.

This was supposed to be a paradise island that we ran. How could it cost me 98,000 bells to build my own house on my own island? But he made it so convincing and I wanted this life with these animals so I went along. Anything to not have to go back to proper society.

He brought his nephews to the island first. He said they would help make it quicker and easier to build the village. They had items but they charged bells for everything. I bought them because I had to build to attract villagers but that made it harder to afford buildings so I had to work more. Before I knew it I was working night and day doing everything myself trying to build this village into my dream paradise while Tom Nook just collected all my bells.

I’m over half a million bells in debt to Tom now and my village isn’t even done. I don’t think it will ever be done, I don’t think he’ll ever stop collecting but I can’t leave. I have nothing left, if I leave I’m destitute so I must remain here and hope that one day my village will be complete and I can stop paying.

Learn from me. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. No matter how smart you think you are, a talking raccoon can come along at any moment and manipulate your emotions, scamming you out of everything.

Proud Moment: Activision Finally Sued for Something Other Than Sexual Harassment

Posted on February 20, 2024 by Alec Walker

Finally a little bit of good news for the gaming industry!

Activision is reportedly being sued by H3CZ and Scump, two of the most prominent figures in competitive Call of Duty, for allegedly controlling the Call of Duty e-sports league in a monopolistic way.

Hard Drive is dedicated to pointing out injustices in the gaming industry, but we’re also willing to acknowledge personal growth. So, we’d like to take a moment to give Activision the props they deserve for finally being sued for something unrelated to allegedly mistreating women in their offices. Bravo, Activision! We knew you had it in you!

It takes a lot of self-reflection to be able to admit you were wrong, which is exactly why Activision didn’t do that. They’re too busy making Call of Duty, the notoriously complete game which gets better and better each year! But, they must’ve realized settling out of court after allegedly sexually harassing women is a losing game, so they pivoted to a much more responsible hobby: allegedly extorting funds from the people who helped make their game popular.

Scump tweeted back in 2020 that Activision forced players to sign an exploitative contract without lawyers present by threatening to disallow them from competing. Well, maybe if H3CZ and Scump had let the Activision Executives smack their sweet little asses around the office every once in a while, they’d have gotten a better deal! I have no sympathy for anyone who doesn’t understand basic negotiation tactics.

Activision disregards this lawsuit as meritless, painting H3CZ and Scump as nefarious, money hungry bullies, dead set on punishing the little guy no matter the damage they inflict. I’m inclined to believe them because that’s a very specific accusation to make! Like, how did they even think of that? What’s that word again for when you’re totally right about someone and are coming from a place of good faith? Ah, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Oh! I remember! It’s projection! Activision is projecting. Phew, that would’ve bugged me all day if I couldn’t remember.

Well, however this ends, it will probably spell the end of the Call of Duty League as we know it. Sad for the fans, but judging by Activision’s repeated destructive decisions in regards to the league, it’s what they wanted all along! Another masterclass in business from the good guys. Congratulations to Activision once again, and we’ll see you for the next lawsuit! Don’t forget to comment what you think it will be!

Opinion: PS5 and Xbox Series X Are Too Old to Be Our Console War Candidates

Posted on February 20, 2024 by Matt Fresh

We have a huge problem with the console war this year. It’s 2024 and our two main candidates to fight for are both far too old. Both of the current candidates were released in 2020, which was four years ago and even then it was a stretch to say that they were at the cutting edge of video game technology.

The PS5 is officially in the late stage of its lifespan, according to Sony. Is that worth a console worth trolling strangers for? A console that could break down at any minute. A console that could end with its only major exclusives being remakes of remakes? That’s the console to cyberbully people over? Having the PS5 as the console being fought for in 2024 is courting disaster. There are already reports that PS5s are claiming to have downloaded Jak & Daxter despite that series being dead for years. PS5 needs Xbox games to come to it half the time to have a decent library. How are Playstation fanboys supposed to insult Xbox owners when they’re playing Xbox games?

The Xbox Series X isn’t a good candidate either. While it hasn’t been officially confirmed to be in the latter half of its lifespan, it’s not far behind. The Xbox Series X is so old that Xbox fanboys are still using Halo as ammunition against Playstation owners. They deserve better than that. The longer the Series X remains the candidate for the Xbox side, the longer gamers have to hear about Starfield from both sides.

Gamers deserve better than to have these two geriatric consoles as the ones they are forced to fight over. It’s time for newer consoles to take the stage. Ones that are in touch with the sensibilities of the current generation of gamers. Ones that are worth sending death threats over. More importantly than that, gamers deserve console war candidates that have games.

Recession Hits Mushroom Kingdom With 100 Coins Now Only Buying .5-Ups

Posted on February 20, 2024 by Nick Coffman

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – The gold coin doesn’t stretch nearly as far as it used to. Middle Class Toadstools and plumbers are struggling to afford their everyday necessities, including 1-Ups, which are now nearing a record high price of 100 coins for only .5-Ups. One of the kingdom’s top financial minds, Toadstool Economist, talked us through some of their latest findings.

“The pricing of these goods was always trending up. The problem is Nintendo,” said Toadstool Economist. “While the buying power of the coin dropped, Nintendo kept adding more and more coins to each level. This is fine early on, but once there are too many coins in circulation, inflation can decimate the middle class of the Kingdom.”

A recent survey found that three-quarters of middle-income Mushroom Kingdomonians said their earnings aren’t enough to make it into later stages of games.

“Many are cutting back on leisure expenses such as golf, tennis, and stealing stars at parties,” Toadstool Economist continued. “We hope the Olympics will pump some money back into the local economy, but that is just a short term solution for these long term problems.”

Toadstool Economist also shared some tips for those feeling the pinch in their coin purse.

“Skip a kart tune-up, throw less parties, maybe have a staycation instead of venturing out to Isle Delfino,” Toadstool economist shared. “But ultimately you’ll need to increase your collection of coins to keep up with rising prices.”

At press time several citizens were reportedly considering eating mini mushrooms to shrink themselves and save on monthly food costs.