WASHINGTON DC — A new federal law inspired by similar legislation in Georgia is set to make waiting to play Helldivers 2 even more difficult, as it is now illegal to hand out food or drinks to those in line for the servers to open.
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp explained the rationale behind the law in a press statement.
“This is about maintaining the integrity of the game. We only want people of the strongest will to be Helldivers,” he said. “If they can’t handle the agonizing wait times then they should go do something else, we don’t want them. Giving them food or drinks empowers them to stay in line which keeps the servers full and eventually fills the game with undesirables.”
Many players are reportedly okay with this law as it means they’re more likely to get to play.
“Helldivers are the only thing defending freedom and democracy from the bugs and robots, we only want the best on the battlefield,” said player RedPilledFreedom84. “I don’t want to be fighting alongside weak specimens who can’t handle the wait. This law not only ensures that desirable gamers get to play but it suppresses people we don’t want from playing with us.”
Some players feel this law is a form of discrimination.
“They are doing this as an attack on players they feel are less worthy of defending managed democracy. Players that do not meet their standards of the perfect Helldiver. They want to make our wait as agonizing as possible in the hopes we quit. That’s what this is about, but it won’t work. I implore anyone who is in line to play to stay in line, we will get to play,” said player BugKilla.
At press time, anyone caught breaking the new law will reportedly be sent to the Ministry of Truth for reeducation.
Mom told me to come in here and tell all 326,893 of you to get off the Helldiver II server. You’ve been playing all day and it’s my turn to play.
If you say, “Game is full, try again” again, I will scream at the top of my lungs until mom comes in and makes you all get off. Don’t try handing me the two-player controller, either. I know that trick now. The batteries are dead. Helldivers 2 doesn’t even have that kind of two-player mode.
It’s my game anyway. You didn’t even want to play it until all your stupid friends were talking about it. Now you think you’re all cool talking about “spreading managed democracy.” Maybe I want to spread democracy with my friends? You’re not even playing it right. You and your dumb friends keep blowing each other up on purpose.
No, I won’t go, “play Palworld and wait my turn.” That game is old and my friends don’t even play it anymore. I wouldn’t even know how to play it cause you hogged that too. You’re all just a bunch of game hogs and no one likes you. Not even mom and dad.
SALEM, IL – Tired of life in the big city and fanning the flames of the console war, 30-year-old Stan Franks moved back to his hometown and started playing his childhood Xbox 360 again, Franks confirmed via an Xbox 360 party chat.
“Yeah, I’m playing my 360 again. I just forgot how easy things were back then,” Franks lamented into the microphone. “I wasn’t browsing company earnings to prove my console was the best. I wasn’t quote tweeting some CEO with a snarky comment about their console not having enough exclusives. I was just playing Call of Duty and getting called every slur in the book.”
Franks went on to share some of his favorite memories with his high school console.
“I’ll never forget the all-nighter to beat the Gears 2 campaign. I was so tired. Or shotgunning through five solo players to unlock the Overkill achievement in Halo 3. All those midnight releases, my 360 waited up all night for me to come home,” Franks said, trying not to choke up. “All these years later, this console is still surprising me. You remember that Yaris game? I booted it up the other day. It’s terrible, but we love it.”
Things took a sad turn as Franks speculated the longevity of this rekindled love.
“My 360 isn’t doing well,” Franks shared between sniffles. “It’s wrapped in a towel and everything is fine now, but there’s no telling when things will take a turn. I’m not going to obsess over time lost or wasted. I’m going to focus on right now and enjoy what time we have left together. You never know when your last ‘goodbye’ is going to be.”
At press time Franks had not responded to our last two Xbox party chat invites.
Sources close to President Biden report he often uses video games to escape from the stress and scrutiny of his very public position as the leader of the free world. This may seem like a harmless hobby at first, but the President’s advisors are reportedly worried he’s constantly drifting into the dangerous territories of memory and brain games.
As a form of gamer patriotism, we’ve decided to compile a list of video and board games President Biden should absolutely never fire up if there’s any form of recording device around him. We repeat: A single leaked video of him attempting to play through any of these top 10 best memory and brain games could be the nail in the coffin for his reelection campaign. Mr. President, do not play these games in public.
10. Sudoku
Introduced in Japan by Maki Kaji, Sudoku is a famous number-placement puzzle game that challenges players to fill a 9×9 grid with numbers so that each column, row, and 3×3 subgrid contains all the numbers from 1 to 9. A video of the President playing this game is a guaranteed Trump second term. We’d highly recommend the President’s advisors ensure no one sees Biden play this game. And for god’s sake do not let him try to pronounce it either.
9. Brain HQ
Brain HQ is an online platform offering a variety of brain-training exercises to improve memory, attention, brain speed, people skills, intelligence, and navigation skills. It will not improve Biden’s poll numbers if he were to be filmed playing it.
8. The Genuine Fred Memoroni Memory Card Game
A compact and challenging memory card game featuring brightly colored cards with fun illustrations, suitable for kids, adults, and Presidents while no cameras are around.
7. Wordle
This viral, web-based puzzle game, now owned by the NY Times, allows players – presidential or otherwise – to have six tries to guess a five-letter word, with hints provided after each attempt to aid in solving. C O R N P – nope, that’s 6 letters.
6. Classic Disney Memory Matching Game Set
This is a memory game for kids featuring beloved Disney characters, requiring players to match pairs of cards while enjoying illustrations of characters. If a video of Biden playing this game leaked, your liberal friends would probably subtweet you for enjoying the resulting memes.
5. Menique, Flags of The World, Memory Matching Game
This educational memory game featuring recognizable flags from around the world is designed to enhance memory and geographic knowledge through matching pairs. We actually have it on good authority that the President’s team forces him to play this game in private as a form of geo-political practice. But any recording devices in the room while he does so are considered a national security threat.
4. Portal 1 and 2
This beloved puzzle-platform game where players navigate through a series of complex puzzles using a portal gun that shoots connected blue and orange portals would destroy the president’s approval numbers.
3. Elevate – Brain Training
Several top level advisors have helped President Biden steer clear of anyone seeing him play this mobile app offering personalized brain training exercises designed to improve cognitive skills such as memory, focus, math, and comprehension through daily challenges.
2. Civilization 6
Civ 6 tasks players to build and expand their civilization, engaging in diplomacy, warfare, and technological advancement to become the dominant world power. Reports confirmed Biden was the first president in history to refuse to play it infront of White House doctors.
1. This scientist-created game:
Simply put: a video game designed by scientists to specifically target and enhance short-term memory in older adults poses too high of a PR risk. What if it doesn’t work? Or even worse – what if it does? Keep this thing away from the President.
I never thought I was the type of person to fall for a scam.
I had been sitting at the Helldivers 2 loading screen for 90 minutes, waiting to get in. Then, I received a call. The person on the other end of the line told me they could get me into Helldivers 2. It’d cost me, but he claimed he was already in the game and could send me an invite from his account.
He seemed to know a lot about me — my address, my phone number, and even my Steam profile name. That threw me. But once he sent an in-game screenshot, I knew this guy had to be the real deal.
All I had to do was get him $50,000 in cash. I’d just stay on the phone with him, and he’d walk me through it every step of the way.
First, I headed straight to the bank to withdraw $50,000 from my trust fund. It was a gift from my grandmother. Sure, she wanted it to help with college, or a wedding, or a downpayment on a house. But she also said she wanted me to be happy. And right now? Nothing would make me happier than getting to actually play Helldivers 2.
Next, I had to put the money into a shoe box. Lucky for me, I’ve been using one as a monitor stand for the last 4 years. I pulled it off my desk and stuffed the money inside.
I stayed on the phone with the stranger. “Go outside,” he instructed. “A driver will pull up and open the back window. Do not look at the driver or talk to him. Put the box through the window, say ‘thank you,’ and go back to your PC.”
About 5 minutes later, a 2008 silver Toyota Camry with one black quarter panel pulled up and rolled down the back window. I tossed the shoebox into the dog hair-covered back seat amongst a pile of empty Bawls cans. The windows were tinted, so I couldn’t see the driver. I said “Thanks man, can’t wait to play!” as the car drove away.
I went back to my computer, waiting for an invite that never came. Then I discovered he’d hung up, and that’s when it hit me — I’d been scammed. I started to realize that maybe I’m not unique in this situation, and several friends felt strongly that if the scammer hadn’t mentioned Helldivers 2 I probably wouldn’t have fallen for this. I would do — or pay — anything to get into Helldivers 2.
For now, I’ll call in sick tomorrow and try to play at 9:30 AM on a weekday.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 19.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
The amount of money or value that must be paid or exchanged to acquire goods or services.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“C”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“I”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“P”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 188 days straight! So here goes nothing:
A sacred song or hymn, typically from a specific titular Biblical book, which is a collection of religious poems and prayers found in the Old Testament of the Bible.
Wordle #972 For February 16, 2024
“STASH“
As a noun: a secret or hidden supply of something, typically valuable or desirable items.
As a verb: to hide or store something away, often for future use or for safekeeping.
Wordle #971 For February 15, 2024
“ASCOT“
A type of necktie or cravat that is typically worn with formal attire. It consists of a narrow strip of fabric that is folded over and tied in a manner similar to a scarf, with the ends tucked into the collar of a shirt.
Wordle #970 For February 14, 2024
“TALON“
A sharp, hooked claw of a bird of prey or a predatory animal, particularly one used for seizing and grasping prey.
Wordle #969 For February 13, 2024
“SCRAM“
An informal or colloquial verb that means to leave or go away quickly, often in a hurried or abrupt manner.
Wordle #968 For February 12, 2024
“PASTA“
A type of Italian food made from a dough typically consisting of wheat flour, water, and sometimes eggs, which is formed into various shapes and then cooked by boiling or baking.
Wordle #967 For February 11, 2024
“NEVER“
An adverb that indicates the absence of something happening or occurring at any time in the past, present, or future.
Wordle #966 For February 10, 2024
“FRIED“
An adjective that describes food that has been cooked in oil or fat until it becomes crispy and golden brown on the outside.
Wordle #965 For February 9, 2024
“STIFF“
An adjective that means inflexible, or not easily bent.
Wordle #964 For February 8, 2024
“PLACE“
A specific point or area in space, indicating where something is situated or located.
Wordle #963 For February 7, 2024
“AFTER“
A preposition that denotes the period following a certain moment or event.
Wordle #962 For February 6, 2024
“WHICH“
A pronoun, as well as an interrogative word that is used to introduce a clause that provides additional information about a noun.
Wordle #961 For February 5, 2024
“REPEL“
A verb that means to push away or drive back forcefully, or to cause strong dislike or aversion.
Wordle #960 For February 4, 2024
“VERGE“
A point at which something is about to happen or undergo a change.
Wordle #959 For February 3, 2024
“MICRO“
A prefix meaning small used in scientific, technical, and everyday language to denote something tiny in size or on a miniature scale.
Wordle #958 For February 2, 2024
“CLEFT“
An adjective that describes something that is split or divided, often into two parts.
Wordle #957 For February 1, 2024
“ALIVE“
An adjective that is characterized by the presence of vital signs, such as respiration, heartbeat, and consciousness.
Wordle #956 For January 31, 2024
“BULKY“
An adjective used to describe something that is large, heavy, and takes up a lot of space.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 18.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A long, narrow, elevated area of land that forms a crest or a continuous line along the top of a mountain, or hill.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“G”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“D”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“I”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 335 days straight! So here goes nothing:
As a noun: a secret or hidden supply of something, typically valuable or desirable items.
As a verb: to hide or store something away, often for future use or for safekeeping.
Wordle #971 For February 15, 2024
“ASCOT“
A type of necktie or cravat that is typically worn with formal attire. It consists of a narrow strip of fabric that is folded over and tied in a manner similar to a scarf, with the ends tucked into the collar of a shirt.
Wordle #970 For February 14, 2024
“TALON“
A sharp, hooked claw of a bird of prey or a predatory animal, particularly one used for seizing and grasping prey.
Wordle #969 For February 13, 2024
“SCRAM“
An informal or colloquial verb that means to leave or go away quickly, often in a hurried or abrupt manner.
Wordle #968 For February 12, 2024
“PASTA“
A type of Italian food made from a dough typically consisting of wheat flour, water, and sometimes eggs, which is formed into various shapes and then cooked by boiling or baking.
Wordle #967 For February 11, 2024
“NEVER“
An adverb that indicates the absence of something happening or occurring at any time in the past, present, or future.
Wordle #966 For February 10, 2024
“FRIED“
An adjective that describes food that has been cooked in oil or fat until it becomes crispy and golden brown on the outside.
Wordle #965 For February 9, 2024
“STIFF“
An adjective that means inflexible, or not easily bent.
Wordle #964 For February 8, 2024
“PLACE“
A specific point or area in space, indicating where something is situated or located.
Wordle #963 For February 7, 2024
“AFTER“
A preposition that denotes the period following a certain moment or event.
Wordle #962 For February 6, 2024
“WHICH“
A pronoun, as well as an interrogative word that is used to introduce a clause that provides additional information about a noun.
Wordle #961 For February 5, 2024
“REPEL“
A verb that means to push away or drive back forcefully, or to cause strong dislike or aversion.
Wordle #960 For February 4, 2024
“VERGE“
A point at which something is about to happen or undergo a change.
Wordle #959 For February 3, 2024
“MICRO“
A prefix meaning small used in scientific, technical, and everyday language to denote something tiny in size or on a miniature scale.
Wordle #958 For February 2, 2024
“CLEFT“
An adjective that describes something that is split or divided, often into two parts.
Wordle #957 For February 1, 2024
“ALIVE“
An adjective that is characterized by the presence of vital signs, such as respiration, heartbeat, and consciousness.
Wordle #956 For January 31, 2024
“BULKY“
An adjective used to describe something that is large, heavy, and takes up a lot of space.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 17.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A sacred song or hymn, typically from a specific titular Biblical book, which is a collection of religious poems and prayers found in the Old Testament of the Bible.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“M”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“L”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“A”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“S”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“P”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 765 days straight! So here goes nothing:
A type of necktie or cravat that is typically worn with formal attire. It consists of a narrow strip of fabric that is folded over and tied in a manner similar to a scarf, with the ends tucked into the collar of a shirt.
Wordle #970 For February 14, 2024
“TALON“
A sharp, hooked claw of a bird of prey or a predatory animal, particularly one used for seizing and grasping prey.
Wordle #969 For February 13, 2024
“SCRAM“
An informal or colloquial verb that means to leave or go away quickly, often in a hurried or abrupt manner.
Wordle #968 For February 12, 2024
“PASTA“
A type of Italian food made from a dough typically consisting of wheat flour, water, and sometimes eggs, which is formed into various shapes and then cooked by boiling or baking.
Wordle #967 For February 11, 2024
“NEVER“
An adverb that indicates the absence of something happening or occurring at any time in the past, present, or future.
Wordle #966 For February 10, 2024
“FRIED“
An adjective that describes food that has been cooked in oil or fat until it becomes crispy and golden brown on the outside.
Wordle #965 For February 9, 2024
“STIFF“
An adjective that means inflexible, or not easily bent.
Wordle #964 For February 8, 2024
“PLACE“
A specific point or area in space, indicating where something is situated or located.
Wordle #963 For February 7, 2024
“AFTER“
A preposition that denotes the period following a certain moment or event.
Wordle #962 For February 6, 2024
“WHICH“
A pronoun, as well as an interrogative word that is used to introduce a clause that provides additional information about a noun.
Wordle #961 For February 5, 2024
“REPEL“
A verb that means to push away or drive back forcefully, or to cause strong dislike or aversion.
Wordle #960 For February 4, 2024
“VERGE“
A point at which something is about to happen or undergo a change.
Wordle #959 For February 3, 2024
“MICRO“
A prefix meaning small used in scientific, technical, and everyday language to denote something tiny in size or on a miniature scale.
Wordle #958 For February 2, 2024
“CLEFT“
An adjective that describes something that is split or divided, often into two parts.
Wordle #957 For February 1, 2024
“ALIVE“
An adjective that is characterized by the presence of vital signs, such as respiration, heartbeat, and consciousness.
Wordle #956 For January 31, 2024
“BULKY“
An adjective used to describe something that is large, heavy, and takes up a lot of space.
Wordle #955 For January 30, 2024
“EXPEL“
A verb that means to force someone to leave a place, group, or organization, typically as a result of a decision or directive.
Wordle #954 For January 29, 2024
“LEGGY“
An informal term that is often used to describe a person or thing that has long, slender lower limbs.
Wordle #953 For January 28, 2024
“EMBER“
A small, glowing piece of burning wood or coal, typically remaining after a fire has burned down or a piece of fuel has partially burned.
Wordle #952 For January 27, 2024
“SNAKE“
A creature that slithers and sheds the entirety of its skin.
Wordle #951 For January 26, 2024
“ALOOF“
An adjective that describes someone who is emotionally or physically distant, reserved, or indifferent in their social interactions.
Wordle #950 For January 25, 2024
“BLOCK“
A verb that means to obstruct, or to hinder progress.
An object that obstructs or hinders progress.
Wordle #949 For January 24, 2024
“RELIC“
An object or a part of an object that has survived from an earlier time, often with historical or cultural significance.
Wordle #948 For January 23, 2024
“STILL“
An adverb that means motionless or without movement.
An adjective that means remaining in place or unchanging.
Wordle #947 For January 22, 2024
“TWEAK“
A verb that means to make slight changes or adjustments in order to improve or fine-tune something.
A noun that means a small adjustment or modification made in order to improve or fine-tune something.
Wordle #946 For January 21, 2024
“NORTH“
A cardinal direction; a key point on the compass.
Wordle #945 For January 20, 2024
“LARGE“
An adjective that generally refers to something of considerable size, extent, or quantity.
Wordle #944 For January 19, 2024
“THING“
A broad and versatile term that is used to refer to an object, concept, or entity.
Wordle #943 For January 18, 2024
“STOLE“
A verb that means to take someone else’s property without permission or unlawfully. Past tense.
Wordle #942 For January 17, 2024
“COURT“
A governmental body or institution with the authority to adjudicate legal disputes, administer justice, and apply the law.
Wordle #941 For January 16, 2024
“BLOND“
An adjective used to describe someone with fair or light-colored hair, often with a shade ranging from light yellow to golden.
Wordle #940 For January 15, 2024
“LUNCH“
A noun that refers to a midday meal, typically eaten around noon.
Wordle #939 For January 14, 2024
“DOING“
A verb that indicates the act of performing or executing an action or task; present participle form.
Wordle #938 For January 13, 2024
“HEARD“
A verb that indicates that a person perceived or became aware of sound through their ears; past tense.
Wordle #937 For January 12, 2024
“ROUTE“
A noun that refers to a path or course taken to reach a particular destination.
A verb that means to send or direct something along a particular path or course.
Wordle #936 For January 11, 2024
“BRIEF“
An adjective that means lasting for a short duration, being concise, or not taking a long time.
A noun that means a concise written or oral statement that summarizes the main points or arguments of a case, document, or presentation.
Wordle #935 For January 10, 2024
“THREW“
The action of propelling something through the air with force, usually by hand; past tense.
Wordle #934 For January 9, 2024
“LINER“
A cosmetic applied around the eyes to enhance their appearance.
Wordle #933 For January 8, 2024
“FINAL“
An adjective that refers to the last, concluding, or ultimate stage of a process, event, or sequence.
Wordle #932 For January 7, 2024
“STONY“
An adjective that describes something that is hard, firm, or has the appearance or qualities of stone.
Wordle #931 For January 6, 2024
“CABLE“
A thick insulated wire, often consisting of multiple conductors, used for transmitting electrical power or signals.
Wordle #930 For January 5, 2024
“LUNGE“
A sudden forward movement used for attack or strategic positioning.
Wordle #929 For January 4, 2024
“SCANT“
An adjective that describes something that is limited, insufficient, or barely enough in quantity, degree, or extent.
Wordle #928 For January 3, 2024
“TWIRL“
The action of rotating or spinning something around its axis or in a circular motion.
Wordle #927 For January 2, 2024
“AGING“
The process of getting older, typically associated with the passage of time.
Wordle #926 For January 1, 2024
“MURAL“
A large-scale artwork or painting that is created directly on a wall, ceiling, or other permanent surface.
Wordle #925 For December 31, 2023
“SALTY“
A taste sensation associated with the presence of salt.
Sony announced to much celebration today that their hit title Helldivers 2 will be getting an immediate follow up in Helldivers 3, which will boast two or maybe even three servers.
“The fans have spoken,” said Kenichiro Yoshida, CEO. “Today we are proud to say Helldivers 3 with launch with two, or maybe even three servers. Plus we’ll have a fire extinguisher in the room at all times.”
“One of those cute little portable ones,” he added.
Co-op gamers who certainly have enough friends to really enjoy the game were reportedly excited by the news.
“There’s no way to know how many servers you’re going to need so I’m glad they’re playing it safe this time,” Danny ‘D-manDiver’ Smith, said. “Last time me and the boys couldn’t even get into the game. I had so many friends blowing up my phone and ready to play it was crazy — but I couldn’t get in. That’s why I didn’t play.”
Greg Holsten, chair of the technology department at MIT and video game industry analyst, applauded the decision by Sony to play it safe with the inclusion of the a single, one time use fire extinguisher in the new Helldivers 3 server room.
“I also heard they got a bigger apartment for the servers and stopped stacking so many papers on top of them. Should be great,” he said.
As of press time there were conflicting reports that the Helldivers 3 servers were already under siege by Automatons.
With the way culture has changed over the years, certain movies have become subject to intense scrutiny over their content. There are a lot of movies that people claim you couldn’t make today because of offensive content. I don’t think that’s true. You couldn’t make them today because, in this day and age, Warner Bros would scrap them for tax write-offs.
This new culture of David Zaslav destroying films to commit insurance fraud means we would lose out on some seminal works. These are the Top 10 movies you couldn’t make today because they’d be used by Warner Bros for tax write-offs.
Caddyshack
A funny hang-out movie about a bunch of goofs on a golf course that barely has a plot: the only way Warner Bros. would even greenlight this movie today is if someone held David Zaslav’s family hostage and maybe not even then. Watching the movie it’s clear that Bill Murray and his feud with the gopher is an all-time bit of comedy but Zaslav doesn’t watch movies so it doesn’t matter. He’d read the synopsis, look at the cast, and the budget, and determine that a tax write-off is worth more than laughter and joy.
Ocean’s Eleven
A bunch of cool guys planning a heist against an extremely unlikeable millionaire business owner. Why would David Zaslav release this and give people ideas? He wouldn’t.
Blazing Saddles
Blazing Saddles could never be made today. A parody of classic western films that focuses on a black man who becomes sheriff of a town full of racist white folks just wouldn’t cut it in this day and age. Not because the woke mind virus would cause people to recoil in terror at the jokes and not because there wouldn’t be a single republican viewer who would be able to use either of their brain cells to understand the movie is making fun of them. The reason it wouldn’t cut it in this day and age is that in this day and age, David Zaslav is in charge of Warner Bros and he would scrap it for tax write-offs. The irony of doing that to Mel Brooks would be lost on Zaslav since he doesn’t watch movies.
Goodfellas
The thing about this is that would be a double-edged sword. On one hand, we would lose an absolute masterpiece but on the other, as soon as Zaslav canceled this Martin Scorses would have him whacked.
Gremlins
The only reason David Zaslav would even greenlit this is because he’d think it’s a Furbie movie. Since David Zaslav has no awareness of culture past whatever is happening in the 90-Day Fiance universe, he would think that a Furbie movie could replicate the success of Barbie. As soon as he’s informed that it’s not a Furbie movie, it would be immediately put on the tax write-off list.
The Mask
The Mask loves Looney Tunes. Stanley Ipkiss is to Tex Avery cartoons what an overweight basement dweller is to Waifus. Jim Carrey is a living breathing cartoon character. That’s not CGI, his face just did that when he saw Cameron Diaz for the first time. David Zaslav hates the Looney Tunes. He doesn’t think they can make money because he doesn’t understand joy and he’s also very bad at his job. David Zaslav is to movies what Jim Carrey is to Tommy Lee Jones. Under no circumstance would David Zaslav let a movie whose entire premise is a man becoming a real-life Looney Tune be released. He would love nothing more than to deprive the world of joy by scraping this movie for a write-off.
Catwoman
A Batman spin-off starring a woman of color would never happen with Zaslav in charge.
Risky Business
Risky Business is much more than just the movie that gave rise to Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, Lordship of Movies. It’s a great movie about a yuppie kid who learns to live a little by shacking up with a prostitute and becoming a pimp while his parents are away for a few days. Who among us hasn’t done that when left alone for a bit? I’ll tell you who, David Zaslav. No way would he release a movie about a kid who learns to eschew all the stuffy rich person values that taught David Zaslav the value of tax fraud.
Zodiac
A movie about journalists investigating a famous serial killer who was never found. Zaslav would never go for it. As a man who hates movies and loves reality television, the prospect of a film that is never properly resolved would be so inexplicable to him that he might shortcircuit. This is also a movie about hard-working people doing their jobs. Journalists doing their job. Why would David Zaslav release a movie that’s about the people his friends layoff all the time? He wouldn’t, he’d scrap it for tax breaks and go on vacation while another online publication gets shut down.
Space Jam
“It’s not duck season or rabbits season, it’s tax season.” – David Zaslav
