EA Clarifies No Need to See Ads in Games if You Just Subscribe to Their Patreon

Posted on by Jack H.

REDWOOD CALIFORNIA- After revealing on a financial call that EA is preparing to introduce advertisements in their games, EA CEO Andrew Wilson held a press conference to clarify their next gaming innovation.

“We are very excited to announce that Electronic Arts is now on Patreon. Gamers can now enjoy their favorite games ad free while being able to directly support their favorite executives behind those projects.”

Wilson went on to describe the different subscription tiers being offered.

“Subscriptions will range from the $10 Base Tier to the $100 Ultimate Tier. The Base Tier will include ad-free gaming. The $25 Deluxe tier includes the base tier perks and just enough free FIFA Ultimate Team packs to get you addicted. The $100 Ultimate Tier will include everything found in the lower tiers and as well as let you conduct the zoom meeting breaking the news to a beloved indie developer that their entire team is being laid off.”

After a brief statement the floor was opened for questions, where Wilson was asked why they decided to introduce the Patreon.

“Gamers want ad free experiences in their video games, we understand that. The Patreon seemed like the easiest way to provide that to them. We pride ourselves on being able to give our customers what they want, which is we plan to open a dialogue so Patrons can communicate to us what they want in games. They can provide valuable information that allows us to make great games. The Patreon allows us to ask, ‘What dormant franchise do you want us to bring back? What do you think of this Patreon exclusive cosmetic? What websites do you visit often? What products do you often buy? What is your age, gender and geographical location?’ All of that vital information will allow us to bring them the games they are looking for.”

When asked why they made the move to ads in the first place, Wilson explained the economics behind the move,

“Look times are tough right now, Amazon Prime Video just introduced ads to their shows. Do you really think Jeff Bezos would do that if he weren’t struggling financially? Us in the C-Suite have families too, secret second families even, and I’ll be dead in the ground before either of them have to swim in a pool without an infinity edge.”

When asked if the Patreon subscription would be included in the upcoming $150 “Hesiman Edition” of NCAA Football 25 Wilson quickly stated, “absolutely not.”

Another Crab’s Treasure Update Patch Notes April 30

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

A compilation of the last few patches for Another Crab’s Treasure, which released on April 25, 2024.

The complete patch notes are below, in descending order, from latest to oldest:

 

UPDATED May 17

 

 

Minor Patch v1.0.101.0 April 30

 

A few pieces of BIG NEWS this patch!

 We've located the memory leak in our level loading that was causing lag & crashes after many repeated deaths or scene transitions - this is potentially MASSIVE for performance and was likely the cause of several other mysterious issues as the game's memory use stacked up.
This patch also includes some balance changes to builds relying on high ATK + Scrap Hammer. It's a single-player game, and ultimately we're not going to get too picky about how powerful certain builds are, but we felt that some stuff was pretty far off where we wanted. We've nerfed Shark Tooth, as it essentially felt like a must-pick for any ATK-based build. But simultaneously, we've made Lug Nut slightly better, and MASSIVELY buffed the Dispatch skill, in the hopes that capsizing enemies continues to feel worth it into the late-game. Ring-a-ding also no longer stuns absolutely every enemy in the game. We probably could have seen that one coming.
Of course, we've got plenty of other bug fixes here, especially ones relating to the camera, or to the player getting stuck in geometry. Hope you enjoy!
(Note for anyone also playing on console: This update represents the cutoff for our first big round of hotfixes for console players! Now that we've made some serious optimization gains as well as fixing a lot of soft locks, we'll be bringing this patch to consoles as soon as possible!)

 

General

  • Fixed a hole in the ground in The Shallows
  • Small Rock geometry fixes in The Shallows
  • Fixed a spot where the player could get stuck in the rockface in the tutorial area
  • Fixed an issue where enemies that dropped their hat would be able to be hurt by attacking the hat
  • Fixed an issue in the Sands Between where two Gumpounders that dropped bloodstar limbs would respawn, allowing you to farm
  • Fixed an issue where the player could become trapped on a trash bag in a ravine in the Sands Between
  • Fixed an issue where the player could become trapped on a rock in Hermit Cave
  • Circle of life now works properly and will trigger more than once.
  • Fixed an issue where player could stand on a certain gunk pit in Flotsam Vale
  • Fixed an issue where player could become trapped on trash near the Oil Drum in Expired Grove
  • Lobster Guard in Slacktide no longer floats above the ground
  • Sand Barrel in Slacktide no longer floats
  • Fixed collider on a comb gate just before New Carcinia to avoid wandering out of bounds
  • Fixed lobster statue in Slacktide missing collision
  • Die Instantly will kill you regardless of assist settings. You don't even take damage, you just die. It's that instant.
  • Shell Abilities Fortify and Stealth no longer double charge Umami Charges
  • Fortify VFX end properly when the effect is disabled.
  • Fixed geometry in a section of Expired Grove that could lead to issues in pitfall respawn safety
  • Fixed an issue where Moon Jelly could push the player through the floor if standing under it
  • Fixed an issue where the Skull shell would not spawn after killing the enemy that dropped it in Expired Grove, potentially locking out Shell Collection completion
  • Shell Spells are no longer displayed in the UI until you unlock them.
  • Fixes to some unintended skips around Adaptation-Gated obstacles in the Expired Grove
  • Skills tab in the pause menu now properly displays the starter 3 skills once you've unlocked Shelleport
  • Removed geometry in Flotsam Vale that could be used to access a cliff in an unintended path
  • Removed the possibility of a softlock in a pit in Flotsam Vale

 

Camera

  • Camera collision improvements for the pipeline in the shallows
  • Fixed an issue where the camera could freak out while wearing the Gun in a tight space.
  • Fix to many cases where the camera would clip through the ground during the Dispatch animation.
  • Pufferfish have a more stable lock-on target during their big spin move, preventing nauseating camera movement as they spin.

 

Accessibility

  • Added Recover Microplastics button to Assist Menu.

 

Balance

  • Lug Nut Attack speed debuff reduced slightly from -30% to -25%
  • Default Capsize Time for most enemies reduced from 2.5s to 2.25s
  • Dispatch base damage buffed from 95 to 150
  • Ring-a-Ding no longer interrupts bosses or strong enemies.
  • Shark tooth bonus damage nerfed from 30% to 20%
  • Shark tooth+ bonus damage nerfed from 60% to 40%

 

Combat

  • Hammer attacks should now work properly with attack speed modifiers
  • Dispatch no longer breaks the hammer instantly
  • Dispatch now properly accounts for hammer damage
  • Fixed an issue where Nephro's grab attack could throw you out of the arena

 

Enemies

  • Possible fix to weird visual corruption and crash when killing the Bleached Pufferfish.
  • Topoda can no longer be spearfished during his sandstorm, as it was causing an issue where he stays invincible forever.
  • Large Thimble Rangoons no longer are marked as small weight class.

 

Localization

  • Fixed a typo in Konche's intro dialogue in French.

 

 

HOTFIX v1.0.100.8 April 29

Happy Sunday! We just couldn't help ourselves - have some more fixes to critical issues.
  • Players with pit damage turned off were occasionally ending up in infinite loops of falling into the abyss, unable to die or pause the game. We will be working on reducing the instances where the game can spawn you in an improper place, but for now, we have added a failsafe where falling into a pit several times in a row this way will simply kill you, regardless of your assist settings. This should prevent players from getting soft locked this way.
  • Fixed a rare soft lock where restarting the game could prevent the Moon Snail Shell in the Moon Snail's Domain from ever spawning. It should now always appear if you have talked to the Moon Snail at least once.
  • Adjusted the collision detection on many bosses, to hopefully reduce instances of them falling through floors and dying without a fair fight.
  • General stability improvements.

 

Happy hunting!

 

 

HOTFIX v1.0.100.7 April 27

Happy Saturday! We have some more fixes for y'all!

 

General

  • Certain users were finding their save file unusable if they had previously completed Verne's quest in The Shallows (the trapped crab on top of a small sand castle). This should now be resolved.
  • Users with their system language set to Turkish will now be able to see text properly.
  • PROBABLY fixed an issue where Bloodstar Limbs were vanishing from the Prawn Shop without having purchased them. We never saw this issue on our end, but some inconsistent code was found and fixed that likely resolves it.
  • The camera collision and locations where you could get softlocked in the Shallows that we reported in the previous hotfix did not actually make it in before -- they are included in this patch.
  • Fixed an issue where the shell collection menu background would shrink over time.
  • Drastically increased the radius where you can pick up your corpse from.
  • Fixed an issue where removing a Stowaway the quick way via the Status Panel would not update your Stats display.

 

Combat and enemy related

  • Fixed an issue where Voltai's appliances would come back to life after she dies.
  • A certain late game enemy type no longer have healthbars on their legs when you equip the Contact Lens.
  • Fixed an issue where Frogfish enemies could succ after dying.
  • Reduced the poise damage from Fizzle's bubbles by half.
  • The Puffer Quill stowaway does -20DEF instead of -2DEF (It was always supposed to)

 

Thank you and as always, please report any bugs you find in our Discord!
- Aggro Crab

 

 

PATCH NOTES v1.0.100.6 April 26

We've been heads down today but this is us letting you know that we have seen all your bugs and suggestions reported in discussion, even if we haven't replied! It's our Friday night, so please bear with us if we're slow over the weekend with reports. Thank you for all the support, Crab Fans <3

 

General

  • Fixed an issue where you could not pause when grabbed.
  • Fixed sand pillars' rock chunks not fading away when despawning.
  • Fixed a visual issue where pencil barricades’ rubber bands turned teal upon breaking.
  • Fixed an issue where smokescreen ink wouldn’t dissipate.
  • Also fixed the smokescreen issue where you could distract Heikea for far too long with the ability, leaving him idle for longer than the effect lasted.
  • Fixed an issue where Interrupting the petting animation prevents Kril from acquiring items or equipping shells until he dies
  • Fixed an issue where Chum can be targeted by Fizzle bubbles
  • You can no longer equip the gun as a hammer

 

Combat and enemy related

    • Fixed an issue where capsizing the Royal Shellsplitter during the fear attack would keep the screen greyscale
    • Fixed an issue where the Duchess would spin you around forever.
    • Nerfed the Duchess’s grab damage from 65 to 50 and it no longer does true damage.
    • Duchess Moonjelly point lowered to ground level to prevent glitchy reloading
    • Fixed an issue where bobbit worms could grab Pagurus. Pagurus can no longer be grabbed by any source.
    • Fixed an issue where you can walk around the trigger that starts the Duchess cutscene
    • Fixed Ceviche Sisters not properly dying permanently, allowing you to upgrade Bubble Bullet by killing them multiple times
    • Fixed visual issues with Fredricks grave

     

    Area

    • Fixed some soft lock issues in the shallows.
    • Updated colliders on Fort Slacktide for improved camera performance.
    • Removed a coral platform in Trade Route Detour on the way to New Carcinia that could leave the player trapped.
    • Fixed functionality on multiple magrails in Scuttleport, some of which would move slightly even while unpowered during the loading screen

     

    Localization fixes:

    • Fixed a typo in french for "pet"
    • Two NPCs in Open Ocean had dialogue that was left in the game accidentally, and which lacked translations. It has been removed.
    • Fixed swapped East and West on the compass in Portuguese

     

    We've been heads down today but this is us letting you know that we have seen all your bugs and suggestions reported in discussion, even if we haven't replied! It's our Friday night, so please bear with us if we're slow over the weekend with reports. Thank you for all the support, Crab Fans <3
- Aggro Crab

 

Those are all the patch notes through April 30 for Another Crab’s Treasure.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie 2 Release Date

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

The Super Mario Bros. Movie 2, sequel to the 2023 box office hit videogame adaptation, has received an official release date. The official announcement was made on Mar10 Day 2024, or March 10, in a video featuring Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of the Mario franchise, and Chris Meledandri, founder and CEO of Illumination, the same studio which produced The Super Mario Bros. Movie earlier.

 

UPDATED May 17

 

 

When Does The Super Mario Bros. Movie 2 Come Out?

The Super Mario Bros. Movie 2 received an official release date of April 3, 2026 as stated by Chris Meledandri, who served in the role of Producer on The Super Mario Bros. Movie previously.

 

“The film will arrive on April 3rd 2026 in the US and many other markets globally, with a few select territories releasing throughout the month of April.”

Chris Meledandri,
Producer, Founder, and CEO of Illumination

 

 

Chris Meledandri also asserted that animation would be starting soon, with scene storyboarding and set design currently ongoing. 

 

MORE IN RELEASE GUIDES:

 

What Is The Story About In The Super Mario Bros. Movie 2?

Shigeru Miyamoto played his cards close to his chest with regards to any plot points for The Super Mario Bros. Movie 2, only stating that “we’ll let you know once we’re at the stage where we’re ready to share more.”

 

“Now, as for the details of the new movie, as I often say, we’ll let you know once we’re at the stage where we’re ready to share more.”

Shigeru Miyamoto
Game Director, Designer, and Producer, Nintendo

 

He went on to add that the team were considering expanding the world beyond what was seen in the first film, but left it speculatively at that without elaborating any further.

 

Dragon’s Dogma 2 Do You Need To Play The First Dragon’s Dogma

 

All in all, there wasn’t that much to chew on in this announcement about the new Super Mario Bros. Movie sequel, aside from its release date which is just over two years from now.

Stardew Valley 1.6 Is It On Xbox Series X|S or Xbox One

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

The 1.6 update for Stardew Valley dropped on March 19, 2024, exclusively for the PC platform. While the update is vast and has revitalized the PC playerbase, console gamers are feeling a bit left out. So when exactly is Stardew Valley 1.6 coming to Xbox One and Xbox Series X|S?

 

UPDATED May 17

 

 

Stardew Valley 1.6 Xbox Release Date

Eric ‘ConcernedApe’ Barone, solo developer of Stardew Valley, is definitely progressing in the update to Stardew Valley 1.6 on Xbox Series X|S and Xbox One. However, all he would tweet out is that it would happen “as soon as possible”.

With “no specific release date” to share, he did promise to update the playerbase if there was anything important on the subject to let us know.

 

 

This is not really a surprise to seasoned Stardew Valley players on console. The previous 1.5 update for the game, took three months to finally become available on Xbox, way back in February 2021.

Publishing and even updating games on console can be somewhat convoluted and time-consuming, with a complex certification process to pass before the playerbase can access it, presumably for security reasons.

With ConcernedApe working solo on updating the game for multiple platforms, while also juggling fixes to the PC version, AND his new title Haunted Chocolatier on the back burner, it can all get a little stressful, we’re sure.

The Stardew Valley 1.6 update is indeed a wonder to experience, with a new farm type called Meadowlands catering to livestock, the anomalous weather event dubbed Green Rain, new NPC vendors, and just so much more.

The patch notes themselves for Stardew Valley 1.6, seem to go on forever. If you’re interested you can read the full list of features and fixes right here:

 

Stardew Valley Update Patch Notes 1.6 Mar 19 2024

 

That’s all we really have right now on the release date of the Stardew Valley 1.6 update for Xbox Series X|S or Xbox One.

Stardew Valley 1.6 Is It On PS5 or PS4

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

The 1.6 update for Stardew Valley dropped on March 19, 2024, exclusively for the PC platform. While the update is vast and has revitalized the PC playerbase, console gamers are feeling a bit left out. So when exactly is Stardew Valley 1.6 coming to PlayStation 4 and PlayStation 5?

 

UPDATED May 17

 

 

Stardew Valley 1.6 PlayStation Release Date

Eric ‘ConcernedApe’ Barone, solo developer of Stardew Valley, is definitely working on updating Stardew Valley to 1.6 on PS5 and PS4. However, the best he can offer in terms of a concrete release date is “as soon as possible”.

He added that he has “no specific release date”, and would update the community if there was anything crucial to report.

 

 

This is not really a surprise to seasoned Stardew Valley players on console. The previous 1.5 update for the game, took three months to finally become available on PlayStation, way back in February 2021.

Publishing and even updating games on console can be somewhat convoluted and time-consuming, with a complex certification process to pass before the playerbase can access it, presumably for security reasons.

With ConcernedApe working solo on updating the game for multiple platforms, while also juggling fixes to the PC version, AND his new title Haunted Chocolatier on the back burner, it can all get a little stressful, we’re sure.

The Stardew Valley 1.6 update is indeed a wonder to experience, with a new farm type called Meadowlands catering to livestock, the anomalous weather event dubbed Green Rain, new NPC vendors, and just so much more.

The patch notes themselves for Stardew Valley 1.6, seem to go on forever. If you’re interested you can read the full list of features and fixes right here:

 

Stardew Valley Update Patch Notes 1.6 Mar 19 2024

 

That’s all we really have right now on the release date of the Stardew Valley 1.6 update for PlayStation 5 and PlayStation 4.

Stardew Valley 1.6 Is It On Switch

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

The 1.6 update for Stardew Valley dropped on March 19, 2024, exclusively for the PC platform. While the update is vast and has revitalized the PC playerbase, console gamers are feeling a bit left out. So when exactly is Stardew Valley 1.6 coming to the Switch?

 

UPDATED May 17

 

 

Stardew Valley 1.6 Switch Release Date

Eric ‘ConcernedApe’ Barone, solo developer of Stardew Valley, is still working towards updating Stardew Valley 1.6 on the Switch. However, all he has said so far is that it’ll happen “as soon as possible”.

With “no specific release date” to share, he did tweet that he would provide “updates if there is anything significant to share”.

 

 

This is not really a surprise to seasoned Stardew Valley players on console. The previous 1.5 update for the game, took three months to finally become available on Switch, way back in February 2021.

Publishing and even updating games on console can be somewhat convoluted and time-consuming, with a complex certification process to pass before the playerbase can access it, presumably for security reasons.

With ConcernedApe working solo on updating the game for multiple platforms, while also juggling fixes to the PC version, AND his new title Haunted Chocolatier on the back burner, it can all get a little stressful, we’re sure.

The Stardew Valley 1.6 update is indeed a wonder to experience, with a new farm type called Meadowlands catering to livestock, the anomalous weather event dubbed Green Rain, new NPC vendors, and just so much more.

The patch notes themselves for Stardew Valley 1.6, seem to go on forever. If you’re interested you can read the full list of features and fixes right here:

 

Stardew Valley Update Patch Notes 1.6 Mar 19 2024

 

That’s all we really have right now on the release date of the Stardew Valley 1.6 update for Nintendo Switch.

Wordle Today 1063 May 17 2024

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today May 17.

We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned,  then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.

 

Already May 18 at your location? Try our Wordle answer page for that day instead!

 

Wordle Hint Today 1063 May 17, 2024

Here’s a hint with the meaning of today’s Wordle answer

 

A person who provides individualized instruction or assistance to one or more students on a particular subject or skill.

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter

The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“R”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter

The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“O”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Third Letter

The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“T”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Second Letter

The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“U”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today First Letter

The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“T”

 

 

Today’s Wordle Answer

And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.

Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.

That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 693 days straight! So here goes nothing:

 

3…

 

 

2…

 

 

1…

 

 

The Wordle answer today is “TUTOR”

 

 

Previous Wordle Answers With Their Definitions

 

Wordle #1062 For May 16, 2024

“STALL“

A verb that means to intentionally slow down or avoid making a decision or taking action.

 

Wordle #1061 For May 15, 2024

“PINCH“

A verb that means to grasp or compress something between the fingers or a tool, often causing discomfort or pain.

 

Wordle #1060 For May 14, 2024

“AMASS“

A verb that means to gather together or accumulate a large amount or number of something, often over a period of time. It is typically used to describe the process of collecting things such as wealth, resources, information, or other items.

 

Wordle #1059 For May 13, 2024

“CUMIN“

A spice in many cuisines around the world, particularly in Indian, Middle Eastern, and Mexican dishes. The seeds have a warm, earthy flavor with a slightly bitter undertone.

 

Wordle #1058 For May 12, 2024

“OUTER“

An adjective to describe something that is situated on the exterior or outside part of something else.

 

Wordle #1057 For May 11, 2024

“TIDAL“

Refers to the periodic rise and fall of sea levels caused by gravitational forces exerted by the moon and the sun on the Earth’s oceans.

 

Wordle #1056 For May 10, 2024

“MEDIA“

Various means of communication that reach or influence people widely. It encompasses different forms of mass communication, including newspapers, magazines, television, radio, the internet, and social platforms.

 

Wordle #1055 For May 9, 2024

“JERKY“

A type of dried meat that has been preserved through a process of dehydration. It is typically made from lean cuts of meat such as beef, pork, or turkey, which are sliced into thin strips and then dried to remove moisture.

 

Wordle #1054 For May 8, 2024

“PIOUS“

An adjective that describes someone who is deeply religious or devoutly observant of religious principles and practices. It typically conveys a sense of sincere reverence, devotion, and obedience to religious beliefs, rituals, and moral teachings.

Oddsparks: An Automation Adventure Update Patch Notes May 16

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

A compilation of patch notes for Oddsparks: An Automation Adventure which released into Early Access on April 24. In descending order, from latest to oldest:

 

UPDATED May 16

 

 

Oddsparks Patch Notes (v.0.1.S18572) May 16

Language Update & Bugfixes

 

We’ve implemented the missing translations for Tier 2/3 dialogs in the Woodlands. In addition to English and German the whole game is now also fully localized in French, Simplified Chinese and Japanese.
We’ve also taken the time and updated a lot of text issues in the existing texts and layouts. Thanks to all of you for reporting mistakes you found. There are still a few smaller things here and there that will be improved in the future, but the experience should be much better overall.
Other issues that have been addressed:
  • Changed Japanese font to make it more readable.
  • Fixed a crash related to moving sparks around in the spark bar.
  • Fixed a crash related to loading savegames.
  • Fixed a crash in the mountains caused by specific map generation seeds.
  • Fixed animal scarers in certain areas blocking spawning on the complete west side of the map.
  • Fixed issues occurring when interacting with the inventory during autosaves.
  • Fixed possible black screen on start for GPUs of the GTX600/700 series.

 

 

Oddsparks Patch Notes (v0.1.S18208) April 30

  • Fixed disappearing mountain waypoints (also fixed for existing savegames).
  • Fixed first waypoint outside the village sometimes being blocked by a giant tree (also fixed for existing savegames).
  • Added an extra quest step to build delivery chests to the first quests that require them.
  • Fixed "Sticks & Stones" achievement not unlocking (also fixed for existing savegames).
  • Fixed another possible crash with player markers.
  • Fixed an issue "Connection Error" due to the EOS cache folder being on a network drive. In case of a "Connection Lost" error, restarting Steam might help.

 

 

Oddsparks Patch Notes (v0.1.S18148) April 26

  • Added option to turn off multiplayer in main menu.
  • Fixed quest progression blocker in first monument quest.

 

 

Oddsparks Patch Notes (v0.1.S18122) April 25

  • Fixed a crash occuring after more than 10 markers have been placed on the map.
  • Fixed a crash connected to markers on shrines that get unlocked.
  • Savegames that were corrupted by marker bugs can now be loaded again without crashing.

 

Those are the patch notes up through May 16 for Oddsparks: An Automation Adventure.

Perfectly Organized Desk Allows Total Focus on Work Deadline That Passed Hours Ago

Posted on by Hard Drive Reporter

Home Office – A perfectly organized, hyper-optimized personal work space inside Tommy Garner’s apartment will allow him to totally focus on a work deadline which passed by hours ago, sources still scrolling amazon for work optimization tools and gadgets, confirmed.

“I have this new desktop dry erase board, it also charges my phone,” Garner said as angry Slack messages from team members wondering where the hell he is pinged him over and over again. “I can make a to-do list there and then when I’m done with something, I cross it off – all while charging my phone, which was also on my to-do list. So that’s two things I’m checking off.”

Garner’s new snail mail organization system, which has perfectly labeled shelves for “unopened” “opened and unimportant” and “opened and important” mail was reportedly put together during a zoom call he was supposed to attend about the deadline he missed.

“Right next to the mail shelving unit I have this new digital clock, it also charges my phone,” Garner said. “Almost every device on my work station now charges my phone and allows me to create to-do lists, it’s great.”

A stream deck positioned very neatly across from Garner’s keyboard had a variety of pre-programmed work optimization buttons, which he said allowed him to be more productive.

“This one opens up all my emails, this one checks the news, and watch if I push this one it’ll open up all my slack messages in perfectly sized windows,” Garner said before hitting the button and crossing an item that said ‘Slack’ off three nearby to-do lists. “Hold on I missed all of these messages. Oh god. Oh boy, ok I need you guys to get out of here.”

Experts in work optimization confirm that work from home employees can benefit from spending 40-50% of their time every day creating a well-organized personal space to focus.

“What you really want to do is wake up every day with a routine,” said work from home expert Sally Liang. “The first thing you’ll need is an air duster and 5 pounds of universal dust cleaner gunk – the play doh-like stuff you can rub on your keyboard. Then you want to get a nice environmentally friendly spray cleaner for the entire surface area of your desk – and a special screen-friendly cloth for your monitor. Use each of these while also sorting through all of your junk mail, and make sure you tick each thing off your whitebox to-do list as you complete them. This should just about bring you to the end of the day when it’s time to pack up and hit it again tomorrow.”

As of press time the project Garner had missed deadline on had been canceled as executives pivoted to a different doomed, short-sighted cash grab.

Indie Studio Now Classified as AAA After Laying off 50% of Staff

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TORONTO — Indie game studio Rongo has moved up in the industry as it is now being classified as a AAA studio after 50% of the staff have been laid off.

Rongo founder and CEO Hunter Bishop excitedly announced the upgrade to the studio.

“It’s every indie studio’s dream to one day become a AAA juggernaut. Some studios go decades without ever growing past Indie and my team is so talented I knew they deserved to become known as AAA devs as quickly as possible,” explained Bishop. “In the old days you would have to toil away for years making games of increasing budget and scope but these days all the AAA studios seem to do is lay people off so I just copied that. As soon as I finished cutting off people’s fobs to get in the building my inbox was flooded by other AAA CEOs congratulating me on guiding my studio to the next level. Phil Spencer even sent me a lovely fruit basket.”

Bishop explained that the rationale behind the move was to reward his dev team.

“This studio wouldn’t be where it is without the talent and passion of everyone who worked here for so long. I wouldn’t be where I am without them. It is those devs who got my studio to where it is now and I wish them all well in their future endeavors.”

Employees were caught off guard by the layoffs but were happy to see the studio reach the next level.

“When I came into work and my fob wasn’t working I feared the worst,” said character artist John Lowry. “So many of us were just unceremoniously let go at once that I really thought we got bought out by Embracer or Microsoft. But once I heard that our lay offs led to the studio becoming AAA I was relieved. I’ve been here since day one and always dreamed of one day being AAA, I’m glad it finally happened. Sucks it happened this way but I’m sure I’ll get another job, game dev is a pretty stable industry.”

At press time, Bishop is planning on introducing sexual harassment to the studio to further solidify its AAA status.