Nation’s Little Brothers Outraged as Microsoft Bans Only Controllers They’re Allowed To Use

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft has announced that they will start blocking third-party Xbox controllers and accessories that they deem as ‘unauthorized’, in a move especially upsetting to the main user base of these third party devices: the nation’s little brothers.

“As a little brother myself, this decision was not easy because I understand the plight that these young gamers go through,” said Phil Spencer, CEO of Microsoft Gaming. “But as a full-fledged adult, I can afford my own first party controllers now so it’s not really my problem. Fuck them kids, I got mine.”

The decision to ban third party accessories for Xbox has stirred up quite a bit of drama in the gaming community, specifically because it locks out gamers from using controllers their well-meaning uncle gave them for their birthday after a hasty trip to Five Below.

“I’m torn on this. It’s good because without those controllers, my shitheel little brother won’t be able to screw up my rank in Apex,” said Jacob Lewis, an Xbox user and local high schooler. “But on the other hand, if I don’t finish my homework before him he’ll probably just put his grubby little hands all over my controller to play. This might actually be a lose-lose situation.”

Jacob’s little brother, Ryan, used to have a standard first party controller as well, before throwing it through the wall after a particularly stressful day in Stardew Valley, prompting his parents to replace it with a much cheaper MadCatz Super Xbox Controller 720.

“It’s just not fair!” said Ryan, 12. “So I died in the mines one night and accidentally threw my controller through some drywall. Why am I being punished because my parents only let me get a $20 bright orange replacement with LED lights on it? This is a travesty!”

UPDATE: Shortly after this story was originally published, Xbox announced that it was going to block all first party Xbox controllers as well. The announcement was paired with the release of the new Kinect 2, which will be the only way to use your Xbox going forward.

Man Stalked by Novelty Toaster He Looked At on Amazon Once

Posted on by Travis Tack

CHICAGO — A local man is reportedly being stalked by a novelty toaster he merely looked at one time on Amazon, sources have confirmed. 

“I was ecstatic when I first heard about the R2D2 toaster,” said local gamer Miles Nathan. “It’s exactly the type of thing you’d look up once and then move on. But little did I know it was about to become the focal point of my life for the next six months. No matter what I do, I can’t escape it. First, it showed up on the New York Times website. Then it was on my Facebook. Then, last week, it followed me onto the subway. I’m getting worried.”

The 36 year-old Humboldt Park resident now firmly believes he’s being stalked.

“It’s a toaster that looks likeR2D2’s head,” Nathan explained. “It burns a picture of R2D2 onto the toast. So naturally I looked at it. But the reviews were terrible. ‘Not a good toaster’, ‘very slow’, ‘electrocuted my son’ —it’s clearly not a good product, so I decided to move on… But Amazon won’t let me move on.”

Sources close to Mr Nathan say they’ve noticed an obvious decline since he first looked at the toaster on Amazon. He has difficulty falling asleep, he’s easily startled, and he’s begun neglecting his online correspondence.

“Miles used to love digital media,” said his longtime friend Rune Alsted. “But now? All he does is pace by the window, muttering about toasters.”

Amazon representatives insisted they weren’t crossing any ethical boundaries with their personalized advertising methods. 

“We deal with each report on a case by case basis,” said a press release issued by the corporation. “Our advertising platform is best in class, providing millions of vendors with the opportunity to reach a much wider audience. While I cannot comment on any particular complaint, I will say that we are aware of Mister Nathan’s issues. And if there’s one thing I can assure you of, it’s that we value the safety of our customers above all else, and none of our toasters have ever been convicted of stalking. That’s just impossible.”

For now, Miles can only take their word for it. But that won’t calm his restless nights, walking by the window, fearing that any moment he might hear those iconic beeps and boops somewhere in the distance. 

“I should be allowed to decide I don’t want to buy something,” Nathan concluded. “I know that’s right, but what’s one man against a goliath like Amazon? I’m scared. And the worst part is I don’t understand how it’s happening. It’s just a toaster. It doesn’t even have legs.”

What is Every State’s Favorite Horror Movie?

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

Boils and ghouls, ladies and germs, respectable assorted article clickers: It’s that special time of year again when all across these United States, we gather around the television set and consume macabre moving pictures. They include, but are not limited to: Thrills, chills, spoofs, and the essential – goofs.

Yes, from coast to coast, we turn off the part of our brains responsible for empathy and divert all energy to the part that makes us scream to the high heavens and piss and shit inside of our pants. Would you be surprised to learn that each state has its own individual favorites? Causes of pissing and shitting their pants, I mean. In the form of motion pictures. ‘Movies,’ to some.

Today, the most spooky and evil of all days, we will run down the lists and crunch all the hard numbers to deliver you them all. From sea to shining sea.

Alabama – It’s Alive

Cited as a precedent on several occasions in the state’s legislature banning abortion as “If someone delivers to term and it turns out to be like the killer baby from It’s Alive, that would be cool, and we’d like to do that. We’d just like to see what happens”.

Alaska – The Thing

Classic Alaska style situation, makes sense. It’s cold as shit, everybody’s tense and weird, and there’s just enough incentive for everyone to stay.

Arizona – Bone Tomahawk

More than basketball, the Grand Canyon, or even its titular Iced Tea, nothing says home to an Arizonan like trapping through the desert with a bunch of similarly minded curmudgeons on a vaguely racist journey.

Arkansas – A Serbian Film

No idea what’s up with these fucking goons out there, but we can’t argue with the numbers. I’m not happy about it.

California – Hellraiser

Considering the sheer density of sexual perverts and debaucherous freak shows contained on the Liberal Coast, I’d believe it personally. This is probably like It’s a Wonderful Life for them. None of my business.

Colorado – Evil Bong

It’s legal like almost everywhere now. They’re not special anymore. It’s annoying, the weed stuff. Yet every Coloradan insists this is the sickest movie of all time. Grow up.

Connecticut – Gummo

Technically considered unironically a horror movie within certain gated communities.

Delaware – The Menu

Not really sure what’s up here, but would have to imagine the credit card company nut bars either think this is hilarious or a deeply serious cautionary tale. Stinks either way!

Florida – Jeepers Creepers

Famously shot using a rotating cast of bizarre locally cast brothers in lieu of a makeup FX team. You could never tell otherwise. Impressive what the water does to folks down there, frankly. I’d down a glass or two.

Georgia – The Stuff

Boy they loooooove to eat bullshit that comes out of a factory that kills you! It’s like the main thing down there, both in industry and pleasure.

Hawaii – Scooby Doo

Not as extreme as many would like, but there’s something even loosely satisfying to the idea that James Gunn almost certainly has a draft where the monsters just kill slews of tourists.

Idaho – Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

The natural enemy of the potato, or, the po-tah-to. It’s a bit of a tomato to-mah-to situation.

Illinois – Leprechaun

If I had to make an educated guess with this one, I’d have to say that the relative stature, style and general demeanor of Warwick Davis in the film brings to the surface warm memories of Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s time in office. Like Stockholm Syndrome style.

Indiana – Sleepwalkers

They say the props department of this picture had something like several hundred frozen, dead cats in storage – and local Indianans were not only obliged but overjoyed to help source local! Indiana is notoriously the natural Frozen Dead Cat Capital of America.

Iowa – Children of the Corn

Ever meet an Iowan? Mentally, they’re all still children. And I’d bet the house they came from that damn corn.

Kansas – Critters 2: The Main Course

Arguably the only time any characters have been depicted having fun, or arguably doing anything remotely interesting, within the state of Kansas on screen. Fun at Easter time too!

Kentucky – Poultrygeist

A grim reminder to the people of Kentucky of how it’s handled relations with the chicken population over the years, and how it confronts the cruel practice of Kentucky Frying.

Louisiana – Texas Chainsaw 3D

Louisiana’s go-to point of regional cinematic pride! Filmed in beautiful Shreveport, Texas Chainsaw 3D is inseparable from the state and its legacy.

Maine – Maximum Overdrive

A bit of a de facto or principled choice, it is embedded in Maine state law by Supreme Economic Chancellor Stephen King to engage in an annual screening of this film, or face prompt execution. Bit of a numbers pump, if you were to ask me.

Maryland – The Blair Witch Project

As scary a notion to locals that you would have to be exposed to the elements for that long with no access to scratch off tickets, Old Bay or the Ravens as it is to the rest of the country to spend any time in Maryland at all.

Massachusetts – Dagon

Just normal up there. This is considered a slice of life in most of the state. We love our fisheries industry!

Michigan – Barbarian

Regionally marketed as a sequel to Gran Torino. Did crazy numbers.

Minnesota – Hey! Stop Stabbing Me

There’s something to the title of a slasher being phrased as a polite, if not slightly haughty request, that encapsulates Minnesota’s collective credo so well.

Mississippi – Mississippi Burning

Hate crimes are a pretty scary notion, no matter how you slice it. Scarier still? The aberration that the FBI would do anything to stop it. Ooooh spooky!

Missouri – Ernest Scared Stupid

Released locally under the title Ernest Scared Into the Average IQ, Somewhere Roughly in the Middle, Which is Normal

Montana – Terror on the Prairies

Montanans to this day still remember the state-wide emotional and physical tremors felt from the day Ben Shapiro skipped into their fair state. It will live in infamy. They also all universally agree on Gina Carano’s bangability. Reactionary politics or not, you can’t argue with the calculus there.

Nebraska – Five Nights at Freddy’s

The state leader for child kidnappings since 1987! Keep up the good work, folks.

Nevada – Tremors

It was actually this film that lead to the long debated legislation that allowed for Graboid domestication. They ride them to and from the grocery store now. It’s actually a big TikTok thing this year to dress them up like the Beetlejuice worms.

New Hampshire – In the Mouth of Madness

This film did for New Hampshire’s tourism industry what The Hobbit Trilogy did for New Zealand. Which is to say, not totally negligible business.

New Jersey – Cleaver

A product of the pride of New Jersey, Carmine Lupertazzi Jr! A classic film all should see, and easily too. It’s very easy to find, just look. It’s real.

New Mexico – Them!

Historically, the first film to be named expressly after a pronoun, making it the first woke horror picture. Of course, this is also why we now recognize the iconic irradiated giant ant as a sort of Reverse Pepe figure in larger culture.

New York – Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

A nearly 1:1 depiction of how it feels to travel through New York, about three quarters of your time spent trying to get where you’re going, just so a weirdo can get confrontational with you. City never sleeps, baby!

North Carolina – I Know What You Did Last Summer

Think if the cast of Scream had a real penchant for fishing & drunk driving. Not that this is ever really on the surface, but you can just smell it off them.

North Dakota – The Messengers

Well, seeing as how we already gave Leprechaun to Illinois, this is all that’s left. At least it’s something, okay? Try practicing a little gratitude.

Ohio – A Nightmare on Elm Street

Set in Ohio, but clearly filmed in California, it fulfills the dream of most Ohioans that they live anywhere else. 

Oklahoma – Bug

The first and only movie celebrating the state’s favorite official pastime: getting into an increasingly bizarre and violent highway motel spat with strange women! Classic Oklahoma.

Oregon – Ravenous

The closest the state will ever be to an adaptation of their number one cultural export, Oregon Trail.

Pennsylvania – Philadelphia

Sure, there’s plenty of George Romero flicks to choose from, but what’s scarier than a zombie? Autoimmune disease. 

Rhode Island – The Resurrected

The fact that this is the only studio produced Lovecraft adaptation to take place in Rhode Island is criminal. Shameful, even. Get real.

South Carolina – Halloween Kills

Considering how much David Gordon Green likes this movie, I’d bet the house that he counts enough for the entire state. At least someone does!

South Dakota – Beast from Haunted Cave

You have no idea how lucky South Dakota is to be getting thrown a bone here. The options are so slim they’re transparent. You’ll take your Corman slop and you’ll like it.

Tennessee – Tales from the Hood

Bubbles to the surface almost purely on the basis of how much the poster is just a Three 6 Mafia tape cover.

Texas – The California Axe Massacre

Folks, call it counterculture, call it blasphemy, but across the board this was Texas’ premier choice in tool-based massacres. Your guess is as good as mine.

Utah – The Exorcist

Would have to imagine the state’s Mormon population owes a certain debt to this film as it would’ve tripled their congregations in the 70’s.

Vermont – Dead Poets Society

Wait a minute, Dead? Society? This thing has to be terrifying! Gotta check it out ASAP.

Virginia – The Redeemer: Son of Satan!

Alright, there’s no gag here. It was made in Virginia, so it checks the box, but truly you just need to watch this. It’s batshit. Here’s a taste. Moving on!

Washington – Clearcut

Frequently referenced by several NFL officials as the inspiration to keep their old football team’s name for as long as they did. I don’t get it either.

West Virginia – The Mothman Prophecies

Sure, Mothman’s a local legend and all, and I’m sure that’s enough to make this track on its own. But if Richard Gere would do what he did to a gerbil? I shudder to think what he might do to a moth.

Wisconsin – Troll 2

The natural default as it is the only dairy-based horror movie in existence.

Wyoming – Deliverance

I think they might read this more as a slice of life comedy than a horror film out there, but hey, it’s all subjective.

AI Generated Jack-o-Lantern Pattern Missing Eyes, Nose, Mouth

Posted on by Kevin Podas

ST. CHARLES, Ill. — After using an AI-generator found online to make a unique jack-o-lantern design, local man Tom David printed out the stencil to find that it was missing the key components that typically comprise a face.

“I guess if you see it lit up from across the street, this shape here might look like a nose,” said David. “I don’t know. It’s definitely less than ideal, but I did say I wanted a unique pumpkin this year. I mean, I know AI has a hard time generating hands, but this feels a little excessive. You know what, this doesn’t look like Jack Skellington at all, to tell you the truth.”

David’s neighbor, Clifford Ritter, commented on the strange pumpkins now littered throughout the town.

“Something’s off about these pumpkins this year,” said Ritter. “Back in my day, all you had was a knife and chisel, and you did your damnedest to make your pumpkin look like someone. Nowadays, people are making these strange ‘computer pumpkins’ and it looks like the damn abstract wing at the art museum. I’m fixin’ to bring the townsfolk together to grab some pitchforks and burn down the houses that have computer pumpkins.”

David lamented further on his pumpkin.

“My friend has a 3D printer and is just printing out his pumpkin this year,” said David. “But that honestly just feels like a step too far if you’re not going to at least use a gourd as a base. Granted I could have just drawn my own design, but I don’t really have any artistic talent so typing words into an AI prompt suits me just fine.”

At press time, children whose parents made them AI generated costumes weren’t sure what to make of the traditionally carved pumpkins.

GTA Online Jack O Lanterns Guide: All Jack O Lantern Locations

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Looking for all of the Jack O Lanterns in GTA Online? Halloween 2023 is here, and GTA Online has a timely Halloween event lined up for it, just like it does every year. This year sees the return of the Jack O Lantern pumpkin hunt, where collecting pumpkin heads scattered around Los Santos gives you either a trick or a treat. This GTA V Online guide has all 200 possible locations marked on two separate maps, one for Blaine County, and the second dedicated to Los Santos County.

GTA Online Halloween Jack O Lanterns: Blaine County

Image courtesy of: https://gtaweb.eu/gtao-map

Your best bet for a quick and efficient collection of 10 Jack O Lanterns up here in the north is either Paleto Bay, or Sandy Shores, both of which have tight clusters of pumpkins for the picking.

Los Santos County: GTA V Online Halloween Jack O Lanterns

Image courtesy of: https://gtaweb.eu/gtao-map

In the city of Los Santos proper, the best pumpkin clusters for daily collection are in Rockford Hills, Mirror Park, El Burro Heights, and Davis.

Each lantern retrieved will cause either a trick effect or confer a treat. Tricks include Energy Pulse, Explosion, Shocked, and Stoned. Some of these effects may or may not waste you.

Treats, on the other hand, include topping up your Snacks, maxing out your health and armor, gifting you up to GTA$5,000 or 1,000 RP, and causing the Peyote hallucination that transforms you into a random creature.

The first 10 Jack O’ Lanterns you collect in the span of a single day will net you the Horror Pumpkin Mask, as well as a special bonus of GTA$50,000. The Horror Pumpkin Mask has its own unique Quickplay Action, dubbed “Mask Audio” in the Interaction Menu.

Successfully collecting all 200 Jack O’ Lanterns in a single day unlocks the Pumpkin Tee, and an additional GTA$50,000 for your efforts. The total GTA$100,000 bonus is over and above any GTA$ earned from potential Treats while gathering 200 pumpkins.

That’s all there is to know about this year’s Halloween Event in GTA Online. Check out our guides for another seasonal spooky game–Alan Wake 2.

“And Then This One, She’s Super Strong, Like, POW!” We Asked Dave Filoni to Put Down His Dolls for a Minute and Answer Our Questions

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

Like most of the Western world, we at Hard Drive are enormous Star Wars fans. It’s impossible to discuss the series in 2023 without mentioning Dave Filoni, a man whose influence on the galaxy far, far away is outstripped only by George Lucas himself. As such, we were thrilled to receive a call from someone purporting to be Filoni’s mother. When she invited us over to their backyard for what she called a, “playdate,” we took advantage of the opportunity to sit down with the creative mind behind one of the world’s most profitable media properties.

Hey, bud. Whattaya got there? Dolls? Do they have names?

“This one is Sabine. She’s a Mandalorian, so she’s really tough. But she likes art and stuff too, and she’s always changing the color of her hair. And then this one, she’s super strong, like, POW! Her name is Ahsoka and she used to be a Jedi, but not any more. They’re gonna fight Thrawn even though he’s super smart. Like, he’s the smartest guy in the world.”

Do you think you could put your toys down for a minute so we can talk?

“Oh, I can do both. I’m really smart. Mr. Lucas says I’m very advanced for my age.”

How did you first meet George Lucas?

“Mr. Lucas pays a lot of attention to ‘merch-and-dice-ales.’ It basically means who’s buying all the toys. And he noticed that I was buying the most toys, like, every year! So he called my mom and asked if I wanted to take a tour of Skywalker Ranch.”

When did George Lucas offer to let you work on The Clone Wars?

“When I got to Skywalker Ranch for my tour, I saw a picture of Plo Koon. I pointed at it and said, ‘I’ve always wondered what his voice sounded like.’ He asked me if I’d like to help him write a show where we get to hear the voices of a bunch of background characters from the prequel movies. I was like, ‘Boy, would I!’”

Is Plo Koon one of your favorite characters?

“Yes. [Giggling] His skin is all weird and he’s got a mask and goggles! He’s so ugly! [Giggling continues]”

What did you learn from George Lucas while working on The Clone Wars?

“Mr. Lucas taught me a lotta stuff. He said that all heroes are the same guy, but with, like, a buncha faces. So I don’t have to worry about writing my characters different, since they’re all just the same guy.”

How was working on Rebels different from working on The Clone Wars?

“Well, Ahsoka was in The Clone Wars right from the beginning. I had to work really hard to figure out a way to shove her into Rebels.”

Level with us: Is Kanan Jarrus based on Kyle Katarn?

“No! Kanan is an original character, copyright me! Those guys probably stole Kanan from me when they made up that Kyle Butt-arn guy.”

What new challenges have you encountered while working on live action shows?

“It’s really annoying because the actors look different than the way you picture the character in your head. In a cartoon, you can just make them look right the first time. But with real people you have to use lotsa makeup and computers and stuff. It’s really upsetting. Mr. Favreau doesn’t even let me come on set anymore. He says my tantrums slow everything down.”

What is it like working with Jon Favreau?

“Mr. Favreau is really cool! He lets me stay up way later than Mr. Lucas does. For lunch, he makes me sandwiches and I don’t even have to ask him to cut the crust off of it. He just does it! Sometimes he shows me pictures of ladies on his phone.”

How has “The Volume” affected the way you produce your shows?

“It’s so cool! It’s like the biggest TV you’ve ever seen! If we finish shooting early, sometimes Mr. Favreau lets me play Super Smash Bros. on it. He makes me turn off items and stage hazards, though. He says they’re not fair, but I think they’re cool!”

Why do so many Star Wars stories take place on Tatooine?

“I do most of my brainstorming with my toys, right here in my sandbox. It’s my favorite place. I guess it bleeds into the shows and stuff.”

At the end of Rise of Skywalker, Ahsoka Tano’s voice is heard among the other Jedi speaking to Rey, implying that she is dead. Were you involved in that decision?

“No, they didn’t talk to me about that. I’m sure I’ll find a way around it.”

You portray New Republic pilot Trapper Wolf in The Mandalorian. Did you have a hand in creating that character?

“Yes! It was all my idea. I picked the name and everything. I love wolves. They’re so cool. My mom got me a wolf shirt for my birthday, but she says I’m not allowed to wear it every day and I have to let her wash it once a week.”

You’re set to direct an upcoming live action Star Wars film, closing out the story of the current run of TV shows. Have you settled on a title yet?

“I want to call it The Book of Heroes: Legacy of the Force, but Mrs. Kennedy won’t let me. She’s so mean! I know Mr. Lucas would let me do it, and Mr. Favreau helped me think of it. I wish one of them was in charge.”

What is it like working for Disney?

“It’s just like when I worked at Nickelodeon. I thought that was gonna be getting slimed and playing Double Dare every day, but it was all just grown-ups telling me what to do. Disney promised me I would get to meet the real Mickey, but so far I’ve only met a guy in a suit! You know those Mickeys at the park are fake, right? Only babies don’t know that.”

Do you have any interesting memories from when you worked on Avatar: The Last Airbender?

“I guess that was fun. I had some ideas for cool characters but Mr. DiMartino and Mr. Konietzko wouldn’t let me put them into the show. It worked out, because now Ahsoka Tano is the most beloved Star Wars character of all time instead of just an extra on a Nickelodeon cartoon.”

What is your favorite ‘Star Wars’ movie?

“I can’t pick just one. If I could take the Ewoks from Episode VI, Darth Maul from Episode I, and General Grievous from Episode III, I think that would be a perfect movie.”

Can you share any secrets about upcoming Star Wars projects?

“Mrs. Kennedy will yell at me if I say too much, but keep an eye out for a story about Ewoks, Darth Maul, and General Grievous!”

So, what’s the deal with the cowboy hat?

“When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up. I don’t want to any more. That stuff’s for babies. I’m just used to hats like this, even though I’m a big boy now.”

Gamer Who Forgot It’s Halloween Puts Out Spice Orange GameCube at Last Minute

Posted on by Kevin Podas

GLEN ELLYN, Ill. — After realizing that it had become October 31st all of a sudden, a panicked gamer put out a spice orange-colored Nintendo GameCube on his porch in lieu of a pumpkin.

“I’ve been so busy I didn’t realize it was Halloween already,” said gamer Andrew Parsons. “I don’t want to disappoint any of the trick-or-treaters, and since I don’t have a jack-o’-lantern or any other festive decorations, I just put out my Japanese-imported spice orange GameCube. Man, I really hope nobody takes it.”

Trick-or-treaters weren’t sure what to make of the impromptu decoration.

“What is this creepy old box?” said trick-or-treater Aiden Thomas. “It’s got four eyes carved into it, and a weird handle on the back. My mom told me not to stop for candy at any strange houses, so we better skip this one.”

Parsons was surprised at the lack of knocking at his door.

“Weird, it’s already 8pm and I’ve still got a full bowl of Snickers here,” said Parsons. “Should I have put out some controllers? Set up a projector to play Melee on? They probably think nobody is home because I barely even tried.”

At press time, some teenagers came by to smash Parsons’ GameCube but instead took it home and got to experience some classics for the first time.

Kinda Sad: 30-Something Still Quoting Videos From Ebaum’s World

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

BUFFALO, N.Y.  — Friends and family of Dayton Cooke, a grown man who is 34, are continually disheartened by his habit of dropping dated references from Ebaum’s World, Newgrounds, and other turn-of-the-millenium internet content repositories, disappointed sources confirmed.

“Dayton and I grew up watching flash animations together and AIMing memes to each other before YouTube was even a thing. Actually, I don’t think we called them memes back then—this was the pre-LOLcats era, mind you,” says longtime friend Jaylen Grimes. “But somewhere down the line, everyone else I know our age stopped saying stuff like ‘I am le tired’ and ‘all your base are belong to us’ in regular conversation. Dayton didn’t though. He’s still a good dude, but it can be tough to be around him if you experience secondhand embarrassment.”

Cooke’s wife Leah admits she thought the G.I. Joe PSAs and Albino Blacksheep references were “sort of endearing” back when the couple started dating in 2010. Over time, however, the charm has faded.

“Right after our wedding ceremony in 2018, Dayton said to me ‘You’re the wife now, dog.’ That’s when I finally accepted that he was never going to stop, and I just had to learn to live with it,” she said. “Thankfully, I’ve gotten pretty good at predicting when he’s going to say something cringy. If we’re in the grocery store, for example, and he sees mushrooms, I know he will start singing ‘badger badger badger.’ And if we pass the frozen breakfast food aisle, there’s a 99% chance he’s going to ask me ‘Do you like waffles?’ It’s annoying, for sure, but Dayton makes up for it by being an amazing father to our two-year-old, Leeroy Jenkins Cooke.”

Cooke says he doesn’t see what the big deal is.

“Internet humor was at its peak level of leet from 1999-2004 and has been in a precipitous decline ever since. I can’t help it if no one else appreciates my Homestar Runner references. If anything, that’s a reflection on them, not me,” he said. “The people that get it, get it. Like when I went as Salad Fingers to my office Halloween party last year, the one person who recognized my costume, Gary from IT, almost died laughing. He still asks if I have any rusty spoons whenever he sees me. That makes it all worth it.”

At press time, Cooke was humming Dragostea Din Tei while watching his son Leeroy Jenkins pet Dancing Baby GIF, the family’s cat.

Epic Announces They Will Suck Your Dick if You Release Your Game on Their Store

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

CARY, N.C. — Video game publisher Epic Games, Inc released a statement announcing that they would perform oral sex on any third-party developers who were willing to release their games on Epic’s digital distribution storefront.

“Fuck it, man, we’ll do whatever you want,” said Tim Sweeney, the company’s visibly agitated CEO, during a subsequent press conference. “Literally everything is on the table, and I mean everything. Spit on us. Use us and throw us out like tomorrow’s garbage, so long as you give us those sweet, sweet publishing rights, baby. That’s all mama wants. You don’t have to call us ‘mama’ either, unless that’s your thing. No judgments, here. Just give us your games.”

Many developers were cautiously optimistic about Epic’s new offer.

“I’m definitely going to take them up on it,” said Glenn Tyler, an indie developer who is set to release a roguelike shoot-em-up in the vein of Vampire Survivors. “Everyone on Reddit keeps saying it’s anti-consumer, but I don’t see it that way. I’m not going to change the price or anything, I’m just gonna blow my load all over Tim Sweeney’s face. I hope he has some windshield wipers on those skinny little glasses of his, because I have been stockpiling my seed for weeks.”

Epic’s competitors were caught off guard by the new strategy, but at least one rival claims it doesn’t change their outlook.

“Oh, sure, you can build up your storefront in a hurry if you’re not being picky,” said Phil Spencer, CEO of Microsoft Gaming. “I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, right? I’ll tell you why: because the cow isn’t producing the right kind of milk, and it’s not producing it quickly enough. You’ve gotta buy that cow and tell it exactly how to do things, and make sure that it doesn’t sell its milk on any other streetcorner. You don’t get that kind of control if you’re just going down on every cow and bull you run into, which I’m sure Epic will figure out soon enough.”

At press time, Tim Sweeney was seen laughing way too hard at an indie developer’s terrible joke while leaning in to rest a hand on his chest.

Man Furious Reviewer Gave Up On Game After Just 59 Hours

Posted on by Corey Arbor

TOLEDO, Ohio — A local man is beside himself with rage after a games journalist published a review for a game having clocked a mere 59 hours playing it, sources confirm. 

This review is downright pathetic and actually personally insulting to me,” said William Oakley, on a reddit post yesterday, concerning modest gaming Rhomboid News’ recent review of Kawaii Killers From the Moon, a game where inexplicably busty, chibi-style characters go on ultraviolent, turn-based killing sprees across Earth. “Am I to believe the reviewer experienced everything this game had to offer in the five days they were able to spend with it? Are the game’s final two dozen hours necessary or merely grinding to pad the game’s length and justify the price tag? You gotta let your readers know these things, man.” 

Sullivan Flynn, the 39 year-old reviewer, gave up on completing the game fully after 59 hours and assigned the game a rather generous 3/10, making it clear she hadn’t completed it in the language of the review.

“Yeah, I know Bitter Billy,” sighed Flynn, familiar with the screenname and tone of comments already. “He mostly complains about how little he cares about my reviews, but also writes user reviews on the site. They’re mostly 1/10s for games he hasn’t played, but had ‘heard suck.’ But he also gave a 1 to the new Mortal Kombat for not having sexy enough costumes, so I dunno what that’s about. I always thought Mortal Kombat was a competitive fighting game with a lot of lore and content for solo players, but I guess the costumes are the integral part?”

Bitter Billy, however, defended his approach to criticism. 

“I mean do you just STOP watching a TV show because you’re not enjoying it? NO! You keep watching and just call anyone who stops a stupid cuck with no attention span,” he said in a follow-up post. “You don’t walk out of a movie just because it’s clearly not made for you, you sit there and get pissed off that it’s wrong and threaten the first woman you can find! That’s how reality works outside the bubble these so-called critics are in!”

As of press time, Bitter Billy is really excited to go trick or treating this year.