WASHINGTON, D.C. – Gamers around the world are sure to be disappointed as reports surface that a boring, uncultured anonymous source has leaked confidential government secrets, instead of information about the next ‘Super Smash Bros.’ game.
“We plan to neutralize multiple high-profile threats to our democracy within the next month,” reads the documents, which make no gesture as to whether a future Smash title would be on the Switch or a potential successor.
According to reports, names on the “hit list” include Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Kim Jong-un, instead of names people actually want to see like Crash Bandicoot, Doomguy, and Maxwell from Scribblenauts. The document had other details, but they’ll only bore you if you don’t live in one of those countries, unlike the worldwide appeal to information about the globally popular fighting game Smash Bros.
The leaker coupled the information together with a manifesto that seemingly confirms that they were too full of their own interests to even think about one of the best-selling game series of all time.
“Action needed to be taken. I just couldn’t sit in silence while the government hides these atrocities,” says the leaker, clearly sitting in silence while Nintendo hides any potential roster cuts. “We must no longer keep forcing ourselves to the whims of the military industrial complex. Its use of exceptionalism has done nothing but bring destruction.”
On a more positive note, the leaker also said they have “much more information to disclose” including people who Joe Biden held secret meetings with, leaving the door open for one of those men to be Masahiro Sakurai.
Bill Burns, Director of the CIA, refused to answer any questions about a sequel to ‘Ultimate” in his statement to the press on the leaker.
“This defector doesn’t understand that such callous behavior is unacceptable when dealing with global conflict,” he said, leaving it unclear as to whether such conflict is the form that may bring back wavedashing.
When asked about Smash, Burns replied that he “had no clue what that is” and that he “has never played it,” showing that those in charge of our government are truly out of touch with the lives of the people. “I find it honestly insulting that you would invite me to this interview and ask me about a video game,” he continued in a way that showed blind contempt.for an entire artform. Pompous, demeaning and obsessed with a constant barrage of projectile fire – if he played Smash, he’d definitely be a Ness main.
Hard Drive will continue to update this article as the story develops.
