Superhot Player Prevents Fight with Parents About Employment Status by Standing Absolutely Still

Posted on by Connor Telford

WICHITA, KS – According to reports Lewis Platt froze in his kitchen on Sunday night when his parents, Joan and Harold Platt, asked him about his ongoing job search.

“He told us several weeks ago that he was applying for a job at our local delicatessen,” Mrs. Platt laments. “But when I asked him about it last night, he just froze. He won’t react to anything.”

“We don’t know if he’s made any progress, but he’s been spending a lot of time on his computer lately playing this game called Superhot,” adds Mr. Platt. “I’ve never heard of it, and neither has anyone in my office. The other guys, their kids are all playing that Counterstrike or Fortnite. Meanwhile, my kid is some weirdo game – embarrassing.”

Mrs. Platt rolls her eyes. “I don’t see how that’s relevant, Harold.”

Mr. and Mrs. Platt have tried several methods of getting a reaction from Lewis. “We waved our hands, we baited him with a Nutter Butter, Harold made fart noises… nothing. No matter what we do, he won’t move. And we tried for hours,” sighs Mrs. Platt. “We were worried he was catatonic, but when we were heading to bed last night, I heard his signature thunderous footsteps and the toilet flushing. Once I’m tucked in, I’m done for, and Harold’s slow on account of his knee replacement. By the time he got downstairs, Lewis was right where we left him.”

Mr. Platt shrugs. “I’m not worried. He has to shower eventually.” Mrs. Platt doesn’t seem to agree.

According to his parents, Lewis is very non-confrontational. “He loves his alone time in his room,” Mr. Platt mentions. “That’s why I think he’d make a great boss. My boss’ door is always closed whenever I try to meet with him, and I always think ‘my kid could be him one day.’”

Mrs. Platt has tried to physically move Lewis out of her kitchen with no success. “I think he Gorilla Glued his feet to the kitchen floor while we were sleeping,” she says, shocked. “He knows how expensive that tiling was. When he gets that delicatessen job, I’m making him pay for it. Our friend upstairs knows he doesn’t pay for anything else,” she scoffs.

Tensions were bubbling over Lewis’ job search before this confrontation, but Lewis only wanted to talk about one thing. “He just kept saying that Superhot was the most innovative shooter he’d played in years,” recalls Mr. Platt. “Maybe I should enlist him in the army. That’d give me something to be proud of.”

As of this article’s publication, Lewis is still in the Platts’ kitchen, unresponsive but still standing. Joan last noticed his head tipping forward before bolting upright again. This article will be updated as more information becomes available.

UPDATE: Lewis’ delicatessen application has been found by his computer. It is blank except for his name and home address.

Each of the Times We Pitched Tim Sweeney on Adding Tony Soprano to ‘Fortnite’

Posted on by Lobster Jackson

It’s pretty safe to say that Fortnite is a massively popular worldwide phenomenon at this point. Known for its collaborations with major brands and its inclusion of celebrities, athletes, and characters from other IP, it has always had one glaring flaw. One massive, gaping hole that anyone with eyes could see needed to be filled.

Fortnite needs Tony Soprano.

Despite general acclaim as the greatest and most important television show of all time, the HBO series The Sopranos has, to this point, earned no representation in the Epic Games moneymaker. That this missing link has persisted is through no lack of trying on our part, however. Here is every time we’ve pitched Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney on adding the show’s leading man Tony Soprano to Fortnite.

#1 — At his favorite North Carolina barbecue joint

We happened to be near Epic Games headquarters for totally, completely, absolutely unrelated reasons and were grabbing a quick bite at Smokin’ Joe’s BBQ when Tim popped in to order his go-to power lunch: a hot dog sliced into cubes. A cube dog.

“Mr. Sweeney, sir, pardon the interruption,” we charmingly said. “Have you ever thought about adding Tony Soprano, from the HBO Original Series The Sopranos, to your most excellent video game Fortnite? We think it would be a real hoot.”

“Ha ha, yeah,” he chuckled sheepishly. “We’ll look into that.”

#2 — In our dreams (it counts)

One night, after enjoying a little too much baked ziti, we dozed off peacefully but unexpectedly found ourselves face-to-face with Furio, the show’s menacing Italian-from-Italy enforcer.

“Fortnite, they no have Italians. Stupid-a fucking game,” he growled.

We turned to Tim Sweeney, housecat-sized and perched on our lap, and nodded in solemn agreement.

“You know what intellectual property has plenty of Italians, Tim? The HBO Original Series The Sopranos,” we said to him soothingly while tenderly stroking his fine mane. “Who’s the prettiest boy? Who’s our prettiest boy? You are. Yoouuuuu arrrre. You’re gonna put Tony Soprano in Fortnite, arntcha? Arntcha? Yeah, because you’re our prettiest boy.”

Tim purred in response, which we wrongly interpreted as a positive sign.

#3 — On an airplane

We happened to be on the same Delta flight out of Raleigh as Tim and, would you believe it, we were seated right next to him! The Gabagool Gods were smiling upon us that day! Or so we thought.

“Mr. Sweeney! Hi, hello. Have you given any more thought to adding Tony Soprano to Fortnite? We think he’s a perfect fit. Remember how he shot Matthew Bevilacqua a bunch of times? So cracked! Or when he beat Ralphie to death for killing the horse? Bro, come on, how perfect would he be in Fortnite.”

We noted dozens of other examples of Tony Soprano’s general fighting prowess and suitability for the game during that 50-minute flight, but Tim pretended he couldn’t hear us with his headphones on, even though they weren’t plugged into anything.

#4 — In a friendly and not-at-all threatening old-timey telegram

“Messrs. Sweeney, et al., c/o Epic Games -(STOP)-

Your urgent attention is demanded. -(STOP)-

Production of moving-picture FORTNITE is advised to halt for a period such that one Soprano, Tony, be added to cast. -(STOP)-

Fiduciaries considered in breach until such time as matter is rectified. -(STOP)-

Attorneys retained and prepared to pursue all avenues. -(STOP)-

Think well of party mentioned, this is a matter of great importance. -(STOP)- “

#5 — With the help of Werner Herzog

Looking for any advantage we could find, we enlisted the help of legendary director and avowed video game enthusiast Werner Herzog to record a video message making our case.

“Tim Sweeney. I have a sense that you are an empty man. Your games do not tell stories because you only possess the power to destroy, not create. Your very existence is a foul affront to God, and you know this. Salvation is impossible.

“While you await the eternal void, I would like to play as Tony Soprano in your Fortnite game.”

#6 — At Unreal Fest

Drastic times called for drastic measures. We bamboozled Tim at Unreal Fest, the crowning event in the Epic Games annual calendar, this time armed with detailed focus group data and market research showing that licensing Tony Soprano for use in Fortnite would be a win for all parties involved. Surely no reasonable man could turn us away, not after the tens of thousands of dollars we spent collecting this data!

“Sir, please, just one more moment of your time, this data clearly shows—”

“Are you from Apple?! You’re legally required to tell me if you’re from Apple,” he shrieked before sprinting (more of an awkward gallop, really) away.

Long story short, no dice. But we remain undeterred. One day, we will wake up with a blue moon in our eyes, and Tony Soprano will be available for a very reasonable amount of V-Bucks. Tim, if you’re reading, we know the licensing rights won’t be cheap, but lay off a few hundred more folks if you have to—this is more important.

Tic-Tac-Toe Middle Spot Nerfed In New Update

Posted on by Maric Maric

ROME — After much heated discussion, The International Tic-Tac-Toe League has confirmed they followed through with a nerf to the infamous middle spot in Tic-Tac-Toe.

“The middle square shall no longer be a valid option to choose to get your three in a row necessary to win,” says ITTTL spokesperson Ezra Cross. “While it will still be on the board it will not count for your needed three if you take a turn to put a mark inside.”

This choice has been met with mixed feelings among those in the Tic-Tac-Toe professional scene. The majority of people do like it, claiming “it was much too strong.”

“Frankly it was a steaming load of absolute BS,” says third grader Reese Chester, undefeated Tic-Tac-Toe champion of Ms.Truitt’s 2nd period at Williamson Elementary. “It needed to go, the meta was so unbearable. Whoever got to go first would always go for the middle and get a guaranteed win or draw.”

While Chester and many other Tic-Tac-Toe pros are appreciative of the new changes there are still some that detest them.

“Before I would always go for the middle and it would count for something. Now everytime I go for it nothing happens,” exclaims determined three time Tic-Tac-Toe World Cup winner Daniel Squares. “Everytime I go first I go right for the middle and every time it doesn’t count for one of my needed three. I mean what the hell?! What’s next? Are they gonna remove any of the spots counting for your three?”

At the time of writing not a single player has won a game of Tic-Tac-Toe since the new update as every single match has ended in a draw.

Every Marvel Character With Doctor In Their Name Ranked By How Helpful They’d Be In A Medical Emergency

Posted on by Jacob VanGundy

It’s scary enough when a sudden medical emergency strikes in real life. Now imagine how much more terrifying that would be in the Marvel universe where a guy dressed as a rhino might tip a car over on you. To make matters even worse, the Marvel universe is teeming with people calling themselves doctors with a wide variety of medical qualifications. Here’s a handy ranking of Marvel’s various “doctors” to let you know who to look to in your moment of need.

#29 — Doctor Faustus

Not only is Doctor Faustus a psychologist, with limited ability to help you in an emergency, but he’s literally a nazi. Maybe I’m paranoid but I wouldn’t trust the ethics of a nazi doctor. Y’know, because of history. 

#28 — Doctor Everything

Doctor Everything claims to be omnipotent. Despite that, he was easily defeated by Venom and arrested. That means he’s unqualified to help you with your asthma attack, and he’s willing to lie about it. He’s the kind of guy who will tell an actual doctor to stand back while he “heals” you with his “powers.” 

#27 — Doctor Angst (Floyd Mangles)

Doctor Angst is an awful guy to have around in an emergency. He’s a supervillain who’s unlikely to come to your aid and even if he does decide to it’s unlikely he could do anything for you. How competent could the leader of the Band of the Bland be? It’s not even clear if he actually has a doctorate. 

#26 — Doctor Spectrum (Joseph Ledger)

This guy turned out to not be a real guy at all, but a human puppet made by one of Marvel’s dozen or so devil stand-ins. All of the Doctor Spectrums are pretty useless if you need medical aid, but the one who only exists as part of a diabolical plot seems especially unlikely to help. 

#25 — Doctor Spectrum (Kinji Obatu)

Before becoming a blatant Green Lantern rip-off, Kinji was the finance minister of Uganda. Neither of those are going to help you at all when your appendix bursts on a plane. 

#24 — Doctor Spectrum (William Roberts)

This Doctor Spectrum is just as unqualified to help you with a medical issue as the others. He comes in ahead of Kinji because he was originally an evangelical preacher so maybe he can faith heal your appendix. Has that ever worked before?

#23 — Doctor Spectrum (Martha Gomes)

I’m assuming you’re skipping past all these Doctor Spectrum entries by this point. Who knew there were so many Doctor Spectrums? Had you even heard of Doctor Spectrum before? Anyway, this one is a factory worker. She’s ahead of the last guy because, I don’t know, maybe she helped a guy who lost a finger in a machine or something once. 

#22 — Doctor Spectrum (Nenet)

I was going to skip this one because she’s from another universe, but apparently, she ended up in 616 at some point. She’s an oceanographer, which doesn’t lend itself to health care, but hey apparently it helps you direct blockbusters so who knows? 

#21 — Doctor Spectrum (Alice Nugent)

Yet another Doctor Spectrum who seemingly has no medical training. She was Ant-Man’s lab assistant for a while, so she can probably help if you happen to have a lab accident-based emergency. She can guide you to the eye wash station, that sort of thing.

#20 — Doctor Spectrum (Janet Van Dyne)

Holy shit, we’re finally out of Doctor Spectrums. Janet Van Dyne at least is a superhero, so she’ll probably try to help, even if the power prism turns whoever wields it evil. God, I hate that I know how the power prism works now. And hey, so do you.

#19 — Doctor Angst (Jonas Mueller)

Unlike the other Doctor Angst, Jonas at least clearly has a doctorate. Unfortunately, it’s in psychology. He won’t be able to keep you alive, but he can probably give your loved ones grief counseling. Warning: that grief counseling will somehow turn them against Spider-Man. 

#18 — Doctor Nemesis (Michael Stockton)

One of many Marvel doctors whose degree seems to be in the nebulous field of “super science”. He’s basically Ant-Man but as a C-list villain. I guess he could shrink down and try to save you Innerspace style, but with no medical training, he’ll probably do more harm than good. 

#17 — Doctor Dredd

Not only is Doctor Dredd not really a doctor, he’s not even human. He’s a dire wraith who uses dark magic for nefarious purposes. He probably won’t care about the concussion you got from slipping on the ice and even if he does I’m not sure healing spells fall under the dark magic umbrella. 

#16 — Doctor Noc

Doctor Noc’s PhD is in…paranormal science. I guess that makes sense in the 616 universe, but it’s not going to help you unless your medical problem is demon possession. At least he probably won’t make things worse. 

#15 — Doc Samson

Perhaps the most popular superhero psychologist, Doc Samson might not be able to help set your leg after an accident, but he will help you through some breathing exercises until the paramedics arrive. He’s a good dude who’s going to do everything he can, which unfortunately for you, isn’t much. 

#14 — Doctor Demonicus

For a guy who calls himself Doctor Demonicus, Douglas Birely isn’t the worst guy to have around when you get a concussion playing softball. His solution to the problem will inevitably be turning you into a monster with genetic manipulation, but he will solve the problem. Again, his name is Doctor Demonicus. What did you expect? 

#13 — Doctor Nod

This Great Lakes Avenger villain’s crowning achievement was making the ultimate diet pill. Considering that the pill turned him into a kaiju, it seems unlikely that his operation was FDA approved. He’ll probably offer to help with your seizure but he might also test some shady homemade medication on you. And who knows, maybe this one will work. 

#12 — Doctor Octopus

Otto Octavious’ medical expertise seems to be limited exclusively to attaching robot arms to a person’s body. For most medical emergencies that’s not going to help. On the other hand, imagine getting hit by a car and waking up with metal tentacle arms. It wouldn’t help stop your internal bleeding but it is pretty rad. 

#11 — Doctor Octopussycat

This is just a cat version of Doctor Octopus. He gets the bump over his human counterpart because of how cute he is. Look at his evil little ears. Adorable. 

#10 — Doctor Nemesis (James Bradley)

On the surface, Doctor Nemesis seems like the perfect guy to have around after you get hit by a car. He’s a medical doctor with decades of experience and access to advanced scientific technology. Unfortunately, he was on a nazi supervillain team for a while in World War II. He swapped sides and hunted Nazis after the war, but it’s still a little too close to Josef Mengele for comfort. 

#9 — Doctor Bong

Lester Vered is a man of many talents: psychologist, journalist, supervillain, and scientist. Unfortunately, his only talent with any medical application is as a geneticist. So unless your medical emergency is an undiagnosed genetic disorder suddenly acting up, he won’t be any help. To be fair, you really shouldn’t put much stock in a guy with a bell for a head. 

#8 — Doctor Druid

Another psychologist-turned-super person. Doctor Druid is usually a hero, so he’s probably going to at least try to help you, and he might be able to magic away your ailment. On the other hand, he’s also the kind of guy who might just give you a crystal while you’re having a stroke and then walk away. 

#7 — Doctor Voodoo

If you thought Doctor Druid was the only doctor of psychology to become a magic-based superhero, you’d be dead wrong. Doctor Voodoo comes in ahead of his Druidic counterpart because he’s better at magic and just less of a dick. If he can’t magically cure you he’ll at least teleport you to a hospital or something. 

#6 — Doctor Doom

Victor Von Doom is a master of numerous sciences, a master sorcerer, and the inventor of the time machine. There is no doubt Doom could save you from any emergency. But ask yourself this: is your life worthy of Doom’s time? I’ll just leave you to mull that over.  

#5 — Doctor Minerva

Of all the geneticists on this list, Doctor Minerva is the most likely to cure your bacterial infection without turning you into a goop monster or frog or something. Your status as a human might prevent her from helping you depending on her current allegiances, but if she does step in you’re in good hands. 

#4 — Doctor Vault

While his control over The Living Colossus is of no medical value, Aloysius Vault is a hell of a doctor. He successfully helped a man regain the ability to walk with regular physical therapy. No deals with Mephisto or cybernetics or anything. That’s exactly the guy you want around when your peanut allergy puts you in anaphylactic shock. 

#3 — Doctor Sun

Doctor Sun mastered the ability to put a human brain into a robot body. It’s his one move so you’re only going to want him around in a life-or-death situation. Sure, it’s nice if he saves you from a heart attack by giving you a robot body, but you might be less grateful when it’s also how he “fixes” your sprained ankle. 

#2 — Doctor Decibel

Finally, an actual medical doctor (no offense to psychologists). His specialty seems to be…vocal cord surgery. Still, he went to med school and could provide emergency care. While he used to be a villain he was mind-controlled into being a hero, so he literally has no choice but to help you! 

#1 — Doctor Strange

A medical doctor and the Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Strange is one of the best guys to have around when you have a brain aneurysm. If he can’t medically treat you he’ll call upon the power of Gorgerell to save you. The only downside is that you will have to listen to a monologue about it afterwards. You might wish he’d let you die by the time he’s done. 

UltraWide Monitor User’s Eyes Complete Pilgrimage from Mini-Map to Item Hotbar

Posted on by Alec Walker

Beth Dean, an ultra wide monitor owner, has reportedly survived the harrowing visual trek from her mini-map in the top left of the screen to her item hotbar in the bottom-middle of the screen, multiple sources confirmed.

“It was really hard, but I’m glad I did it,” said Dean, with bloody bandages over her overworked eyeballs. “I almost gave up halfway through, but I had to find out what items I had. When I got there, it was all worth it. So many items to look at in my hotbar. I had a potion! I had no idea. I took a selfie with it like I was at the top of Mount Everest. I’m excited to see what the other parts of my screen look like. Like, what could be in the top right of the screen? I hope I get to see it within my lifetime.”

Audrey Riedel, Dean’s optometrist, was advising her throughout her journey,

“I kept telling her to stop, but she kept pushing and calling me ‘visually unmotivated,’” said Riedel. “I get a couple people like this a month. Usually they ramble on about Forza. I don’t even think they like racing games they just know that one works with the ultrawide.”

Game Developer, Andre Francis, heard about Dean’s achievement and aims to streamline the Ultrawide user experience in his game.

“After listening to all of our ultrawide users’ feedback, we’re working on adding settings to allow ultrawide users to compress on-screen visuals into a 1080×1080 square,” said Francis. “Some people call that a regular monitor, we call it innovation. Everyone wants more options, and what better way to give players more options than by letting them revert back to previous technology with their new technology?

At press time, Dean was seen blindly wandering her house, trying to find her way back to her monitor.

Real Life Mirror’s Edge? This Guy Just Fell Off a Building

Posted on by KC Jones

ROCHESTER – A local man is in critical condition today after plummeting from a building in an incident we can only assume will remind our readers of parkour-inspired video game Mirror’s Edge.

The individual, whose identity is currently unknown, was thrust into the unexpected role of a real-life Faith Connors when he plunged off the side of a four-story building in the downtown area after losing his footing.

This of course immediately evokes thoughts of Mirror’s Edge, known for its first-person, freerunning-inspired gameplay that immerses players in a high-stakes environment where precise movements and split-second decisions are crucial.

Emergency services were quick to respond to the incident, rushing to the scene to help the man, though he remains critically injured. Bystanders recounted the chilling scene, with one stating “I heard this thud and rushed to my window. There he was, sprawled on the pavement.” Another recalled “It happened so fast. One moment he was up there and the next, he was falling. I thought, ‘This can’t be real.’”

While statements from eyewitnesses of the incident are bereft of any mention of Mirror’s Edge, the parallels between the unidentified man’s perilous descent and the iconic game are palpable.

As emergency services work tirelessly to stabilize the critically injured man, the fast-paced, all-out fun gameplay of Mirror’s Edge is surely at the forefront of our reader’s minds.

Elon Musk Nominated For “Most Divorced Gamer” At The Game Awards

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

SAN FRANCISCO – According to a press release, Elon Musk has added a unique accolade to his resume: a nomination for “Most Divorced Gamer” at The Game Awards.

“We created this category for 2023, and there was really only one person we had in mind. And that was Elon.” Geoff Keighly, creator and host of The Game Awards, said. “His blend of desperation for recognition and his unique ability to repel virtually everyone, save for certain Tesla owners and crypto enthusiasts, makes him a perfect fit.”

Grimes, Musk’s most recent ex-wife at the time of this publication, said no one deserved the nomination more.

“Most fifty-something year old men will buy a Mustang or Corvette after a breakup,” she said. “Elon spent $44 billion on a social media site just to retweet Ian Miles Chong’s most thirty tweets inbetween Diablo streams.”

Actress Talulah Riley, Musk’s second and briefly, third wife, released an instagram post congratulating Elon on the nomination.

“When Elon was thinking of buying Twitter I urged him to do it, and delete it. He’s been doing a great, if somewhat slower job than I would prefer so far,” she said. “He just plays Elden Ring and retweets anyone who gets closest to saying the 14 words”

Elon himself was not available for comment, as he was busy drafting tweets that would eviscerate the enterprise value of one of his companies.

The query was forwarded to X’s CEO Linda Yaccarino however, who had an auto reply message on that said, “In regards to Elon’s recent tweet today: X’s point of view has always been very clear that discrimination by everyone should STOP across the board — I think that’s something we can and should all agree on. When it comes to this platform — X has also been extremely clear about our efforts to combat antisemitism and discrimination. There’s no place for it anywhere in the world — it’s ugly and wrong. Full stop.”

Every ‘Doctor Who’ Regeneration Ranked by How Much I Wish They Were My Step-Dad Instead of Gary

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

With the upcoming 60th Anniversary of the beloved BBC television show Doctor Who, I couldn’t help but take some time to disassociate and daydream about what it might be like if my mom had married one of the 14 regenerations of the Doctor instead of the deadbeat parolee named Gary with whom she actually ended up.

#14 — The Twelfth Doctor (Peter Capaldi)

A grumpy, wannabe rockstar that keeps everyone at arm’s length – are we sure Capaldi didn’t base his Doctor off of Gary? That being said, Capaldi’s Doctor would probably forgive me if I were to accidentally break his Steve Perry autographed guitar and not lord it over me for the rest of my life. 

#13 — The Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker)

An arrogant know-it-all that runs into trouble with the law, gee who does that sound like?! Colin Baker had a massive falling out with the BBC which led to his expulsion, much like Gary and our local Applebee’s. However, Colin would stand by me if I were to get into trouble. And if anyone were to bully me, he would absolutely stand up for me and not just tell me to “toughen up and be a man.”

#12 — The Ninth Doctor (Christopher Eccleston)

Both Gary and the ninth Doctor run around in leather jackets complaining about the stupidity that surrounds them. If Eccleston’s Doctor was my step-dad, I know he would try and get me into his weird esoteric hobbies like motorcycle maintenance or visiting historic Civil War battlegrounds.

#11 — The First Doctor (William Hartnell)

At least Hartnell’s Doctor lets his granddaughter come with him on his adventures. Gary makes me wait in his truck while he gets drunk at the Elk’s Lodge so I can be his designated driver.

#10 — The Seventh Doctor (Sylvester McCoy)

Much like the Seventh Doctor, Gary is also most likely going to die by being shot in an alley.  However, McCoy would try his best to make pancakes for the family every Saturday but end up burning them. Oh how we would laugh and tease him, but at least he tried.

#9 — The Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker)

If the fourth Doctor were my step-dad he would probably be the kinda guy who had his own TikTok account and recorded himself doing viral dance trends. I would pretend to be embarrassed but in my heart I would love every second of it. Unlike Gary who just records himself in his truck yelling about the government.

#8 — The Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith)

Having the eleventh Doctor for my step-dad would be like if my mom married someone I went to highschool with, which would be really uncomfortable at first but in the end we would have a whole lot in common and actually enjoy spending time together. Gary is 43 but thinks he is still in high school.

#7 — The Thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker)

Much like Gary, Jodie Wittaker’s Doctor is also wildly divisive and really just trying to do the best with what was given to them. That being said, you know that Jodie’s Doctor would go all in to help you with your science projects and also introduce you to people as her son, not “my wife’s kid.”

#6 — The Third Doctor (Jon Pertwee)

Much like the third Doctor, Gary feels completely trapped and spends most of his day working on his car. While it seems like Pertwee’s Doctor would be a strict disciplinarian and probably not let me have a lock on my bedroom door, I think structure and discipline is exactly what I crave and the only reason I act out is because that is the only way I can get Gary’s attention. 

#5 — The Eighth Doctor (Paul McGann)

McGann’s Doctor would be the kind of step-dad that would slow dance with my mom in the kitchen whenever High Enough by Damn Yankees came on the radio. He wouldn’t be offended that I didn’t want to call him Dad and would always tell me that he wasn’t trying to replace my real dad. Gary is still convinced this is “his house” even though he hasn’t paid for a damn thing in it.

#4 — The Second Doctor (Patrick Troughton)

An excitable tramp that plays the flute, I feel like living with Troughton’s Doctor would be like living with Willy Wonka. No matter what stupid little kid thing I wanted to show him, Troughton would act like I did the most amazing feat he had ever witnessed. Unlike Gary who calls my love of cartooning “girly shit.”

#3 — The Fourteenth Doctor (David Tennant)

Unlike most of the male role models in my life, David Tennant actually came back after disappearing for thirteen years. 

 #2 — The Fifth Doctor (Peter Davison)

Davison’s Doctor would probably turn our basement into a place for vintage video games, Legos, and train sets. Unlike Gary who turned our basement into his “man cave” which is just a folding chair, a beer fridge, and a TV I’m not allowed to touch. Davison would have no trouble telling me that he loved me and we would probably be watching a Doctor Who marathon at this very moment instead of Fox News blaring in the background as is my current situation.

#1 — The Tenth Doctor (David Tennant)

Sensitive, loyal, and genuinely attentive. Tennant’s first go at the Doctor would not be ashamed of his feelings and would be perfectly comfortable hugging one another and crying. He would do everything in his power to show up to all of my school plays. He would treat my mother like an equal partner and he would be supportive of me following my dreams. It is weird however that the probability of both Gary and the Doctor abandoning me on a beach is highly probable.

DEAL ALERT: All 3 PS5 Exclusives Are Discounted for Black Friday

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Well gamers, it’s that time of the year again: discounts are rampant, and everyone is scrambling to get the best deals they can. While our Black Friday guide from last year is certainly more relevant than ever, we’ve also got our eyes on some pretty great new deals too! After extensive research, we’ve found every PlayStation 5 exclusive game is on sale! That’s right, you can get all three PS5 exclusives now on a better sale than ever. Take a look at our list for all of the PS5 exclusive deals that you can get your hands on right now!

Returnal ($29.99)

Wait, what do you mean this one’s on PC now? Fine. Whatever. We’ll just list some other ones instead. Uhhhh…

God of War: Ragnarok ($34.99)

Oh, and this one released on PlayStation 4 on the same day? Jeez. Okay. I really thought this would be an easy write-up at the last minute. Hmmmmm…

#1: Demon’s Souls ($29.99)

Yep, this one is a remake so it technically isn’t a PS5 exclusive, but I have a Friendsgiving dinner with some old high school buddies to get to, so we’re gonna have to count it. Sue me. There’s one PS5 exclusive on sale for you.

Horizon Forbidden West ($29.99)

Okay, here’s another one! Phew. Maybe we can find this last one faster.

What the hell do you mean this is another God of War: Ragnarok situation? 

#2: Horizon Forbidden West: Burning Shores ($13.99)

This counts. The DLC only came to PlayStation 5, so this is how I’m getting around it.

Destruction All-Stars ($19.99)

This one is a true exclusive, but I just saw it when I looked up a list of PlayStation 5 games and couldn’t stop laughing. I can’t recommend anyone buys this one. Just thought I’d share this funny memory with everyone so we could all have a laugh before the last deal.

#3: Final Fantasy XVI ($41.99)

A perfect game to close out our list. Finally, a PS5 exclusive that’s on sale. No caveats, no alternate version to dig up, just a pure, good deal on a true PlayStation 5 exclusive game. Glad we could find one!

Oh, of course it’s coming to PC. Whatever, it’s exclusive for now, so it counts. I gotta get to this dinner.

New Valorant Patch Includes Software to Detect People Who Die On Purpose Just to Grab A Snack

Posted on by Samantha Ti

LOS ANGELES – A frustrated Riot Games software engineer has reportedly taken matters into his own hands after his competitive team lost 17-19 in overtime when one member of his team died on purpose to just grab a bag of chips.

“He does it every time, man. He doesn’t even buy a gun. He just runs at the enemies, dies, then two minutes later I hear crunching on voice chat,” says Walter James. “I’m pretty sure he does it on purpose just to piss me off. The last time I said something, he told me that I was just grumpy cause I was hungry.”

However, Mr. James realized that he now had the power to catch his friend in the act after the latest patch.

“It’s a scrumptious piece of programming, actually,” he continues. “The software is designed to detect inactivity, and then it’ll correlate that with any chomping, munching, or slurping sounds on your mic. Teammates can also report it in-game.”

It’s unclear how players will be penalized for what Riot Games refers to as “in-snack-tivity”, but Mr. James is pushing to make sure that people like his teammate are punished severely.

“We ban people for griefing, we time people out for disconnecting. This is basically both of those things combined!”

Though Mr. James insists that the Valorant community will thank him for this new feature, players have had mixed reactions. Mr. James’s teammate, Geoff Bugleman, insists that this feature will make the in-game experience worse.

“Sometimes I get hungie [sic], okay,” said Mr. Bugleman. “It’s not fair that I’m punished for being a hungie [sic] guy!”

Still, Mr. James stands firm in his belief that this new software is a game-changer for competitive players like himself and called Mr. Bugleman a “casual”.

“If you want to snack, play unrated. You gotta dial in to play competitively. And I’m not talking about dialing your local pizza place.”