Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

Exhausted Ark Player Logs off After Long Session of Pressing ‘Join Server’ Button

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Alex Kitsinger

DENTON, Texas – Local gamer Phil Sharpe has emerged from his basement for the first time in days, starving and exhausted from continuously pressing the ‘join server’ button in Ark: Survival Ascended. According to his Steam friends, Sharpe has racked up 98 hours in the game and never created a character.

“During every waking hour, I can’t wait to boot up the game. It’s just so exhilarating, you know? The rush of adrenaline I get when that loading icon pops up is unparalleled,” said Sharpe, when asked why he continues to play the game. “You never know what’s going to happen next. Sometimes you immediately see the server is full, but occasionally it will fade to black to make you think you’re in before spitting you back to the menu with an error message. That part is my favorite.”

According to Sharpe’s wife, Melissa Pierce, this habit has been negatively affecting their relationship.

“He’s there for hours, sometimes even days at a time, and by the time he’s done he’s so exhausted he doesn’t even want to eat dinner with me or play with the kids,” said Pierce, exasperated. “He broke his mouse four times in the last two weeks from clicking so hard, and he’s missed work three times. I’m worried he’s going to be out of a job, and my income alone can’t support buying all those mice.”

Sharpe’s doctor also expressed concern.

“Staring at a screen for that long without blinking is definitely unhealthy, and frankly a little disturbing. Combine that with how little sleep he’s getting and it’s a recipe for disaster. He’s also developing a repetitive strain injury, which is surprising because as far as I can tell, he hasn’t even been playing the game.”

Studio Wildcard, developer of the game, was unavailable for comment, as they were preoccupied with putting out a fire in their server room.

Baldur’s Gate Fan Suspicious of Girlfriend’s New Gym Buddy “Dorvric the Undying”

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Trevor Hazell

CASTLE ROCK, Colo. — Local Baldur’s Gate 3 fan, Andrew Seavey, 32, has momentarily turned his attention away from the game over suspicions surrounding his girlfriend’s new gym buddy, Dorvric the Undying.

“Alice had really been harping on me recently to go to the gym with her. But why would I need the gym when I have Karlach to deadlift hordes of Kobold for me!” joked Andrew. “Recently, though, she’s been going on and on about a new buddy she met there, some dude named ‘Dorvric the Undying?’ Apparently, he’s a Necromancer, but it seems kinda strange she’d meet him at the gym. Honestly, a strength-based Wizard sounds like a bad character build to me. Maybe he’s multiclassing.”

According to Andrew, whilst his girlfriend, 29-year-old Alice Reed, isn’t much of a gamer, she did take interest in the many attractive companions that players meet along their adventure in Larian Studios’ new entry in the franchise. He specifically noted her almost immediate obsession with the Elven Vampire, Astarion.

“I mean, Astarion is absolutely her type,” said Andrew, shifting in his seat. “Lanky, pale, brooding gothic types have always been her thing. And look, no, I haven’t met Dorvric yet, but I’m not about to stereotype a Necromancer based solely on everything I know about them from popular media. She’s said he’s just a normal guy who happens to enjoy dabbling in the dark art of manipulating the border between life and death. We all have our interests. I’m not concerned.”

While Andrew has still yet to meet the mysterious Mage in question, the employees of the local Planet Fitness seemed quite familiar with Dorvric, citing his penchant for siphoning the life force of other members to bolster his own “sick gains.” Despite this reputation, Dorvric seems to be a highly respected member of the community.

“He apparently does a lot of charity work with local refugee groups. Helped save a group of Tieflings from an incoming Goblin assault. Seems like a pretty stand-up guy,” Andrew explained. “Alice invited me to this party the Tieflings were throwing, but I got the impression it was for close companions only. I asked her if Dorvric was going to be there, and she kinda just dodged the question, but I trust her. I was concerned she didn’t come home until the next morning, but she assured me she just drank too much Turmishan wine and crashed at their camp – said she needed a Long Rest.”

Update: In a follow-up email, Andrew reported that he and Alice were now taking a break. While he refrained from providing further details, he was reportedly hopeful to use this free time to refocus on advancing his relationship with Shadowheart.

Pic via AlcastHQ.

We Asked Every Hard Drive Writer What Their Favorite Indie Game Is So You Can Ignore Them All At Once

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Hard Drive Staff

Yesterday in the Hard Drive offices Jon Ruggiero turned to the staff and said he’d love to hear our favorite indie games, but only if we could list them off really quick so that he could ignore us all at the same time.

He has a point — you never know if an indie game recommendation is going to be for the best RPG you’ll ever play or a POS FPS that’s hardly playable. Plus everyone that tries to tell you what game they like is boring as hell. How can you possibly listen to all those recommendations and (only to then immediately disregard them) in an easy and efficient manner?

Luckily we at Hard Drive are here to help! Our staff of highly-trained and needlessly-obsessive journalists have listed below the indie games they love with a passion, so that you have one quick and easy resource to ignore them all at once. If you’ve somehow read to this point, thanks for not ignoring this, and enjoy our choices for great indie titles you shouldn’t ignore but probably will.

Yume Nikki

Yume Nikki provides a weird and wonderful dream world for you to explore and nothing else. While some might find this boring or uninteresting. Luckily, I’m pretentious so I think it’s simple, mysterious, and beautiful. Let me put it like this, you don’t fall asleep and then complain why your dreams didn’t have complex gameplay mechanics or systems. Well, maybe you do, but if so please never come near me. – By Gabe Porter

Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion

I cannot win against the IRS but I can win against Mayor Onion’s corrupt politics. – By El Gimpador

Quiplash by Jackbox Games

Playing Quiplash together should be required at the beginning of any new friendship or relationship to test whether you share the same sick sense of humor. If the new friend or love interest doesn’t know what Quiplash is, cease all communication immediately. It’s not going to work out. – By Jus Kaplan

The Maze

Just thinking about this game brings back joyous memories of sleepovers and pre-pubescent angst. This classic flash game from 2003 brought the world together at a time when everything felt so bleak (look up the Iraq War). It’s got a clean & simple layout, top notch sound design, and puts your hand steadiness to the ultimate test. If you think you can handle the challenge, you can’t go wrong with The Maze! – By Julien Perez

American Arcadia

American Arcadia is a witty and surprisingly thought-provoking adventure with incredible voice acting and fantastic writing. Seamlessly switching between first-person and 2.5D side-scrolling, the puzzles are fairly accessible but still make you scratch the dome.

Through the story’s twists and turns, impeccable artstyle and solid gameplay, American Arcadia should not be missed for fans of The Truman Show, Playdead’s Inside and witty dystopia. ” – By Tyler A

Parasite (2019)

Parasite has got to be one of my favorite films. Beautiful cinematography and excellent performances bring to life a scathing criticism of modern capitalism. While on the surface it may appear as though the low class family are the parasites the title refers to, as the film progresses it becomes more clear that the rich family are the real parasites.

I also believe the movie is not attempting to villainize those who hold wealth, but rather show how we’ve created a world where simply being smart or talented is not enough to – What? This list is about indie games, and not independent movies? Whoops.” – By Alex Kitsinger

Inscryption

“I like card games.
I like video games.
What is a card game?
Who made the first card game?
What is K█rn█ff█l?
What REALLY is K█rn█ff█l?
What the ████ is a Daus?
How do you crack it?
Why did the Russians care?
Who is Barry Reginald Wilkinson?
Who REALLY is Barry Reginald Wilkinson?
Who is Maxim Kaminski?
Who is █ay██e?
Why did she ███?
Follow the S████.
The █████ is at work.
49.301911 N, 123.14154 W
The O██_D███ is out there.
Good luck ████ C█████.
M
”

– By Max Schuhmacher

The Talos Principle

“I love puzzles and I hate God.” – by Cathy Herbert.

Into The Breach

Do you enjoy feeling like a tactical genius one moment only to marvel at your own stupidity in the next? Then have I got a game for you! Into The Breach released in 2018 and is the second game released by Subset Games, makers of FTL. Gameplay consists of deploying a team of three mechs with different abilities whose mission is to protect the last holdouts of humanity from giant bug-like monsters that have been growing underground. Each team of mechs feels unique and demands their own approach to taking out the bugs, and each run plays different than the last, offering an evergreen experience that really tickles that “One more run” part of your brain. I really cannot recommend it enough. If you have a Netflix account you can even play it on your mobile device for free! Why are you still reading this? Go download this game right now! – By Johnny Amizich

Castle Crashers

One of the original Xbox Live indie titles, I beat this game with every single playable character successfully ignoring years worth of homework as a young teenager. – by Lawrence Scotti

Return Of The Obra Dinn

In this time-travel puzzle game, the player has to deduce the answers to many mysteries like how so many people died aboard the titular ship, who was who, and why the graphics look like that. – by Pre-dead ghost

Umineko No Naku Koro Ni

This murder mystery visual novel about a family trapped on a private island is actually the greatest piece of fiction ever written. Just look at the title of any YouTube video about it or ask one of the eighteen people in the world who have played it! The plot is dense, the characters are compelling, the visuals are below average. Also, the gameplay is nonexistent because you literally just read it. But trust me! You know when you go to that one Chinese restaurant and the menu is almost illegible but you know the food is gonna smack? That’s Umineko. The soundtrack sounds like it was made for Mt. Olympus. It may have a higher word count than every Lord of the Rings book combined, but it only takes, like, 120 hours to read aaaaaaaaaaaand I can tell I’ve lost you and you’re never playing it. Your loss, I guess. My bad for trying to recruit you into the MLM this game really is. – By Connor Telford

Football Coach: College Dynasty

Have you ever had to pay a 17 year-old millions of dollars to move to Wyoming and play offensive tackle for your team? Did that newly-rich teenager proceed to get hurt in his first practice, missing the entire season and irreparably stunting his development? Did he then proceed to transfer to Alabama, blossoming into a first-round pick but leaving you with literally nothing to show for it? No? Then you’re missing out. Just like real life, 10/10. – By Lobster Jackson

The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth

A rogue-like dungeon crawler masterpiece that will consume thousands of hours of your life and leave you sounding like a total nut job. “A-and then I used mom’s knife plus soy milk to kill Mega Satan!” Sure you did TJ, now tell us when you’re gonna get a girlfriend? – by TJ Main

Fire Pro Wrestling World

With over 1,500 hours played over the past six years, ‘Fire Pro’ is the undisputed tribal chief of my Steam library. The game is the last hurrah for a series which has given wrestling fans the compelling gameplay they don’t deserve since 1989. For the record, there’s wrestlers who are world champion right now who weren’t even born when the first game came out. With a plethora of support that means the game can’t just be shut down like ‘WWE 2K’ titles, I could easily see myself playing the game for another 34 years.

The game has such longevity because it’s an open sandbox where you can make anyone do anything when that bell rings. Whether it be downloading your favorite anime character from the Workshop or delicately hand-crafting a move where they force their opponents to do the Griddy, the possibilities are endless. You can even edit how the CPU controls that wrestler, allowing you to form a true computer fight club. If AI is going to take over everyone’s job, the least they can do is kill each other for our amusement. For the record, the top dogs of my fight club are William Afton and Michael Cera. – By HG Punk

Unpacking

This one goes out to all of my fellow procrastinators out there. Because why would I want to unpack items from a vacation I took years ago or move things around to make my own home look nice? I can do that in Unpacking while convincing myself I’m getting ideas for the next time I rearrange my house (I will never take the time to rearrange my house). – By Daniel Johnson

Dusk

DUSK is a fun little indie horror FPS that is a direct homage to the super fast, floaty shooters of the 90s a la Quake. The intentionally dated graphics and pulpy level design legit make me feel like I’m playing this on a floppy disc at my friend’s house because my mom won’t let me play anything with blood. The soundtrack is also 100% bonafide industrial metal bangers by Andrew Hulshut, who for some reason is playing one of those guitars with way too many strings. – Colleen Nerney, Hard Times Editor

Disco Elysium

I have to go with Disco Elysium. The first time I played it I was blown away. It completely dodged every expectation I had, mostly because I thought it was going to be a dancing game like Dance Dance Revolution. It has disco in the title, after all. Turns out it’s not a dancing game, so I busted out the old leotard and sweatbands for nothing, but it’s still pretty cool. There’s some murder mystery going on, and all these dialogue trees and themes and stuff that I pretty much skipped through. Too confusing and boring. Mostly I just walked around collecting bottles to sell for money to buy drugs. Great game. – by Traye Holland

Void Bastards

Void Bastards is a rogue-like first-person shooter set in deep space, with a distinct cel-shaded art style that is instantly recognizable to anyone that loved 2000AD comics. As an awakened prisoner aboard a spaceship, you’ll be charting a course through the Nebula, making the most of your limited fuel and food reserves. Each jump is a choice between continued survival and certain death, as you loot derelict ships and shoot it out with pirates and aliens. Salvaged resources keep you fed, and your ship flying, but also let you craft better weapons and gadgets at your workbench.

Dying is inevitable, but that’s okay, as the next expendable convict gets hydrated and the mission proceeds ever onward. Each revived convict can have a positive or a negative attribute, and woe be you if roll the Smoker’s trait of randomly coughing–any hope of stealthily creeping around deep space derelicts infested with floating, blue-faced cherubs goes right out the airlock. Live. Die. Repeat. Maybe someday you’ll make it through to the other end of the Nebula, you never know.” – by Michelle Pereira

Cobalt Core

Even in an all-time year like 2023, Cobalt Core has stood out as one of my favorites of the year. Great deckbuilding gameplay that fans of any game like Slay the Spire will love, charming art and dialogue, and a chill soundtrack make Cobalt Core one of my favorite indies I’ve played. I wrote a lot more words about it that you can read here on Minus World as well! – By Parker Johnson

Hades

This is the game that introduced me to rogue-likes. I love the art design, the setting, the story, the boon system and really everything else about the game. The only downside I can think of is they made every character very attractive. When they put certain members of the Greek Pantheon on screen during dialogue I start howling like a wolf uncontrollably until I get a nosebleed. – by Jack H.

Dead Cells

Dead Cells is at this point a well-renowned Indie Darling turned success story. The game’s fast-paced Metroidvania Rogue-like also contains many Looter Elements with a strong diversity of weapons, enemies, and some genuinely killer boss fights. Aside from the game’s core mechanics, it offers a whole list of customization options, achievements, and even strange pieces of lore that refuse to offer a full picture of the collapsed kingdom- are you still reading this? C’mon man. Don’t make me do the whole… just play it, dude. It’s been around since 2018 which is basically forever ago. I shouldn’t need to sell you on it. Just watch a YouTube or a TikTok or a Reel about it, I don’t know. I have stuff to do. I’m actually going to go play Dead Cells, I think. See, runs are usually pretty quick, especially if you’re not very good at it- so I get to trick myself. I didn’t just waste an hour avoiding my work, I just did 4 quick 15-minute runs. Not the same thing. Anyway, the game is good- play it. – By E. Alexander Zimmermane

VA-11 Hall-A

Its very difficult to pick one favorite indie game in a sea of genre defining titles, but in the end for personal reasons i gotta give it to VA-11 Hall-A for its story and killer soundtrack – By Artemis / Artie2D

Spiritfarer

For anyone who has ever wished death upon their Animal Crossing villagers – Spiritfarer is for you. “”Oh cool, Zucker just said the exact same line of dialogue for the third time today,”” says the Animal Crossing: New Horizons player through gritted teeth and cascading tears. “”I can’t wait to see what he’ll repeat tomorrow!””

Fool that you are. If you were playing Spiritfarer, Zucker could die. You’d have an emotional chat with him at the gates to the afterlife where you intuit that in the mortal realm – he was your Uncle, or your best friend, or your hairdresser’s dog, or some other stuff, and he’d just taken the form of an octopus for reasons we can’t go into right now. And then you’d embrace, and he’d pass on in a beautiful show of flashing lights as the music swelled.

But this would only happen after you got to know Zucker, in the way you’ll get to know the likes of Astrid, Atul, Gustav and the rest of the motley crew in Spiritfarer. A gorgeous, truly emotionally resonant game in which you operate and customise the boat with which you’ll ferry these recently departed souls to the great beyond. Before you do that though, you take your time to know them, go on adventures with them, have deep, meaningful conversations about life and cute girls and other stuff with them. And then you watch them go forever in a beautiful kind of pyrrhic victory. It beats the hell out of watching them walk into trees and ask you for a clownfish every day. Absolutely no one asked, but if I were a spirit in Spiritfarer I’d be a giant bat and whoophee cushions would be my whole thing. I’d spend all day every day trying to get you to sit on a whoophee cushion. Now, dear viewer. I must go, forever. The 4 minutes I knew you were some of the most meaningful of my life, but all things must come to an end…Farewell. – by Brad Waters

Source of Madness

What were you expecting here? SOMA? Signalis? Two extremely thought-provoking, wonderful games, and two of my favorite indies. But here’s the thing: you already know them. I bet you don’t know Source of Madness (developed by Carry Castle).

Is it the best indie game I’ve played? No. But is it the best roguelite? Also no. Do I still think about dancing in the air around a flailing mass of limbs while spraying it with unruly sheets of lightning magic? More than you’d think! Source of Madness is a 2022 side-scrolling roguelite where you play a robed Acolyte with elemental powers, traversing lands blighted by eldritch horrors. The art and vibes are the main selling points, with Al-assisted textures adding a bewitching, recursive feel to the world of the Loam Lands. The monsters are also suitably insane: each is a procedurally generated mass of limbs, tentacles, eyes, and more that flails and throws itself at you, screeching all the while as if in revolt against its own monstrous form. Source of Madness also happens to be incredibly fun (and chaotic) to play. It’s a little janky at times, but that’s par for the course when dealing with horrors from the stars. What surprised me most is how rich in actual Lovecraft literature the world of the game is. There’s lots of name-dropping of Elder Gods, yes, but Source of Madness uses and connects the Cthulhu Mythos in interesting ways, with some new twists and a compelling aesthetic. Just take my advice and always buy the Flame Lance Ring.” – by Nik Theorin

Snood

In 1999, this was undoubtedly the hottest game to play in the school library when you were supposed to be writing a paper about mitochondria. Legend has it some people actually paid for it after completing the demo, but only because they’d never heard of Bubble Bobble. -by Ben Friedman

Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb

Looking at the short list of Indy games, Emperor’s Tomb takes the cake. Acting as a prequel to Temple of Doom, this journey sees Indy once again pitted against the Nazis, this time in search of the idol of Kour- …whoops. I think I misunderstood what was being asked of me here. – by Brad Lester

Roadwarden

If your sensibilities are anything like mine, there is no game as perfect as Roadwarden. Weave your way through a world that feels alive around you in a particularly grim fantasy world. It is a text-based RPG that makes fantastic use of isometric view pixel art. Part visual novel, part RPG adventure, and part living world. With every day that passes, your decisions begin to build towards the shape of the world to come. The characters feel as though they live in this world, and it is a world that has no particular reverence for you. It is stark, it is desperate, it is beautiful, and it is perfect. Chef’s kiss. – by Mason Kennedy

Necrosphere

Oh wait are you still reading this article? Then check out Necrosphere, a genuinely challenging 2D pixel art metroidvania. The twist? You only use the left and right arrow keys. Jump? Side keys. The sick jetpack you get later on? Side keys. Go play to find out how. Or just ignore this recommendation like you did with all the others. – by Daniel Rauter

Tunic

Have you ever wanted to turn on a game and feel like it’s in the wrong language, you don’t know what’s going on and you suck at video games? Look no further! Tunic wears its inspiration on its sleeve, however, if you can get over the blatant similarities to Crash Bandicoot, you’ll find a puzzle/adventure game unlike any other.

It’s the type of game where its secrets have secrets that are having an affair with other secrets. It also contains what may be, with no hyperbole, the best puzzle ever found in a video game. Unless there’s an obscure Picross level out there that holds the secret to world peace for some reason. That would be pretty cool, I guess.” – by Ted Curtis

Pyre

The underdog of the pantheon that Supergiant Games, where Hades sits on top for many, Pyre needs to be talked about more! It’s a weird blend of visual novel and religious rugby. What makes this so interesting is that losses don’t dictate in a game over, the story must go on! It becomes really cool how your character roster will matter in matches, from both story and gameplay reasons. Darren Korb has another brilliant soundtrack to add to his discography. – By CJ Sweeney

Hollow Knight

Combining the exploration of Super Metroid and Symphony of the Night with a Tim Burton aesthetic, Hollow Knight is a massive and rewarding action-platformer with thumb-busting boss fights and adorable characters that pop with personality. – By Matt Shore, Occasional Human

Dodgeball Academia

A lot of people love indie games for their risk taking and examination of deep emotional themes. I do as well but I love whipping flaming dodgeballs at snot nosed kids even more. Dodgeball Academia allows you to do just that. With an art style and story straight out of a Saturday morning cartoon, it’s a charming, clever and oftentimes legitimately funny dodgeball RPG.

It’s structured like a retro JRPG where you explore, complete quests and gain new party members. Like Pokémon, enemies stand around the world and when you walk in their line of sight they challenge you. Only here, instead of engaging in animal abuse, you get to smack annoying kids in the face with dodgeballs. Even better is that you can pull off super moves to really pelt those little brats. Finally we gamers can be the ones doing the pelting.” – by Matt Fresh

Plenty of more indie games to ignore on the next page! Click the “2” to keep reading.

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REPORT: Bulk of Anime’s Budget Definitely Went Towards This Fight Scene

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Kevin Podas

TOKYO — A new episode of a popular seasonal anime aired this week in Japan, leading previously curious audiences to no longer wonder what the immense budget and manpower was being spent on.

“Oh wow, yeah, they really blew their load here didn’t they,” said Blake Tyeson, who watches the show on Crunchyroll. “The last few episodes were looking pretty mid, but this episode was totally peak. Yeah, that’s how we all talk now.”

Staff members from the animation studio responsible weighed in.

“I’m glad that everybody is enjoying the production this week,” said director Masao Maruyama on Twitter. “And it’s all thanks to the tireless efforts of our staff. You have to know where to spend your money and your efforts, so that’s why we work smart, not hard.”

Anonymous replies claiming to be additional production staff weighed in.

“I worked 132 hours this week,” said one anonymous account. “How many hours are even in a week? I feel like I might have gone over that, actually. Anyway, I hope people enjoyed 30 minutes of cartoon teenagers punching the shit out of each other.”

At press time, diehard fans were already anticipating a drop in quality to follow and were eagerly drafting their complaints in response.

Female Streamer in Hot Water After Making a Joke

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Parker Johnson

LOS ANGELES — One of the biggest Twitch streamers on the platform, Pokimane, has recently found herself in some controversy for doing something streaming audiences have never seen a woman do: make a joke.

“If you’re a broke boy, just say so,” Pokimane said in part on a stream where she discussed her new product, Myna Cookies. “It’s $28 for a four-pack of bags of cookies. $7 per bag. If you don’t want to buy them, I literally don’t care. It’s your money. Do what you want.”

Needless to say, other content creators were quick to condemn Poki’s statement.

“What a ridiculous thing to do. Flaunting the wealth that you exploited your viewers to get is pretty messed up, to be honest,” said streaming behemoth xQc. “Oh, my picture I posted on Twitter holding stacks of cash in a briefcase? Come on, pretty obvious that was just a playful jab. Pokimane’s situation is incredibly different.”

Viewers were none too happy with Pokimane’s jape, either.

“Well, well, well, she finally shows her true colors,” said chat member awesumguy893, who has been banned in her chat since 2020. “I always knew she just thought of us as viewers to sell products to. Whether it’s her streams, merch, or these overpriced cookies, she’s always just selling things to us. It’s like she’s a business owner, and not our friend like we all thought. Pretty screwed up in my opinion.”

At press time, it became clear that every single person complaining about the product was not going to buy it, whether they were $28 or $2.

Extract-Camping Tarkov Player Unaware His Game Crashed 20 Minutes Ago

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Ben C

Miami, FL – Local Tarkov player ‘NicE_hAX_LoL69420,’ was reportedly in his normal position of lying perfectly still, prone on the floor of Factory, when he didn’t notice his session of Escape from Tarkov crashed almost 20 minutes ago.

Equipped only with the cheapest Mosin he could afford, ‘NicE_hAX_LoL69420’ (referred to henceforth as Rat) resorted to the playstyle after complaining to all his friends that every time he died was the result of a hacker.

“Look, I’ve seen The Wiggle That Killed Tarkov at least a dozen times,” said Rat, barely looking up from his TikTok feed, awaiting a target. “That’s all I needed to know that every death I’ve had in the past six months isn’t my fault at all. This is the only strategy I’ve come up with that sees success.”

According to sources, extract camping is the fine art of doing nothing while waiting for others to collect all the loot and resources, before shooting them in the head as they go to leave the raid. More than other strategies, it requires extreme patience, planning, and a deep seething contempt for your fellow man.

Through a mouthful of pepperoni Hot Pocket, Rat tells us that his strategy going into each raid is to buy a cheap gun with a half a dozen or so rounds, lay down near the extract point, then browse the Tarkov subreddit to downvote anything remotely positive anyone has to say about the game.

“Look, I have over 10,000 hours in Tarkov, so I know what I’m doing. People hate on extract camping, but tell me, would you get mad at a real life sniper sitting in an opportune spot waiting for his target? Of course not, and this is just like that!” He said.

While being interviewed, our reporter noted that there didn’t seem to be any movement or audio coming from his game.

“Yeah, moving will just get me noticed, and the audio’s always been messed up even if you buy ComTacs. The game sucks, I don’t know how people enjoy it.”

After another half hour of scrolling through TikTok, Rat began to realize something may be amiss. He tried wiggling the mouse only to see that nothing happened on screen.

“Ah man not again?!”

Broken Earthworm Jim Cartridge Miraculously Regenerates Into Two Games

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Garry Kerls

BETHLEHEM, Penn. – The Turner family saw a rare phenomenon in gaming when they cleaned out the basement this past weekend and an old, broken SNES cartridge of Earthworm Jim miraculously regenerated into two games, according to reports.

“I was looking for the 12-foot skeleton we put in the front yard every Halloween and knocked down the box of all my old video games,” says Dave Turner, patriarch of the family. “Most of the games survived the fall, but Earthworm Jim took the brunt of the impact, breaking clean in two.”

The family placed the broken relic of Dave’s youth on the kitchen table and set out to decorate the house for the spooky season, but the real spook was waiting for them to return.

“It was a miracle sent from God!” yelped Dave’s wife Marcia as she clutched a rosary to her chest. “Divine Intervention repaired that Earthworm Jim game. Just as Jesus fed his 500 followers with two fish and a loaf of bread, this game will multiply in order to satiate the children of God.”

The supernatural occurrence has led skeptics and believers alike to flock to the suburban Pennsylvania home. Religious leaders and scientific experts have both weighed in with potential explanations.

“We’ve seen regenerative properties like this before in similar species like Bookworm Adventures and Worms: Armageddon.” claims Dr. Justin Hogan, New Jersey’s leading Wormologist. “However this specimen is unique, a near perfect duplication that could lead to a scientific breakthrough.”

At press time, the U.S. Government has confiscated the two games as they pose a potential infinite money glitch.

“Lethal Company Isn’t That Scary,” Says Man Moments from Having Neck Snapped for First Time

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Mason Kennedy

INDIANAPOLIS – Steve Barker, 24-year-old mechanic and casual gamer, just doesn’t see what the big deal is with Lethal Company. His friends hounded him to get the game, but even as he begins his first attempt at looking for valuable scrap, he’s finding it pretty relaxing moments before having his neck brutally snapped.

“I have no idea what my friends were going on about. Sure, there are dark hallways, and some scary ambience. But if I’m being honest, I don’t think it’s that scary,” said Barker, in-game for his first attempt during our interview. “Look, I just found a couple of metal bolts. Job done, Shelly. Hey, Shelly? Where’d you go?”

On-site sources attempted to contact Shelly, Steve’s friend with whom he was playing, but there was no sign of her within the entire facility, barring a vaguely humanoid shape wrapped in spider silk hung from the ceiling. They did, however, manage to get in contact with Mark, who had remained in the ship while the other two went in.

“Hmm? Steve? Oh yeah, he’s gonna die pretty soon,” said Mark, pausing the music that was coming out of a turntable he had just purchased with the crew’s remaining money. “You guys like the music box? It was 50% off. Pretty nice, right? Oh yeah, back to Steve. There’s something moving around him, really fast. I think it’s a Bracken. Surprised he isn’t dead already.”

This brings us back to the still undeterred Steve, who’s flashlight had just run out of power. He was carrying an engine of some type, wandering through the dark in the general direction of the exit.

“Yeah, I dunno. Maybe it’s a bit eerie now that my light gave out. Really hoping to run into Shelly… maybe she headed back already,” said Steve, who had not yet noticed the set of white eyes following him from behind. “It’s basically just a salvage simulator. This game isn’t that scary.”

Steve’s next comment was cut short by a pair of dark hands reaching out from behind him. Within a matter of seconds, Steve’s body was carted off around a corner. Steve’s last words were, “OH F**K!”

There was an attempt to reach the Bracken who had assaulted Steve, but the creature was seemingly unavailable for comment.

10 Tips for Fighting Seasonal Depression and Ultimately Failing Like You Do at Everything Else

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Brad Lester

It’s that time of year again – a palette of autumnal colors paint the landscape. The nostalgia of the holidays transforms from idle memory to a sense of longing. The winds shift from a gentle nip to a firm bite, inviting you to dig out your wool coat and – wait, there’s something in the pocket. A note from the last cold season? It’s a reminder from your then-girlfriend to pick up her inhaler on the way home, which you absolutely did not do. Because you never follow through on anything, you piece of shit. You know that’s why she left you, right? Oh man. Now you’re spiraling into an all-too-familiar pit of despair: seasonal depression. But don’t break out that boxed hair dye yet – Hard Drive has come up with 10 tips to fight off the “Winter Blues,” if you can see them through.

Start Your Fitness Journey, Filming All of It

Working out at a gym is a great start to improving your self image, and more importantly, what others think of you – so break out that iPhone and force your sweaty flesh on the world. Make sure you come equipped with a grain silo-sized water bottle, weapons-grade narcissism, and no ability to read social cues whatsoever. Your fellow gym-goers will appreciate the free exposure!

Adopt a Cat, Then a Second Cat

Pets are proven antidotes to depression, but let’s be honest – that first cat is going to tear your apartment up. Torn blinds, pissed-on furniture, poop in your shoes, you name it. Clearly, the issue is that cats get lonely, and the obvious solution is to find him a friend. If you experience similar issues with the second cat, simply get another, and repeat as many times as is needed.

Sharpen Your Romance Skills With One of Those Weird-Ass Dating Sims

Why not? A love interest does wonders for the psyche, and while you probably aren’t going to find yourself courting an Eldritch God disguised as a perky undergrad, one of these sims could be good practice before taking on the real thing. Despite their cut-and-dry nature, propositions like, “Match 4 colors, and I’ll let you take me home!” and “Gather evidence to prove we aren’t related!” surely have some sort of real-life application, right? (In the interest of sparing you a vicious roast in the Discord, we strongly advise that you hide this one in your Steam Library.)

Avoid Consuming Alcohol, Smoke Pot Instead

“During times of sadness, people are more prone to cope by way of alcohol, perpetuating the descent into malady,” says celebrity depression expert Vicenzo Corningston. We both know what he’s really saying: smoke more weed. Ignore the somewhat chemical taste and intense bouts of paranoia: that’s how you know you got the good stuff. Cough it out, big guy.

WHATEVER, Consume a Ton of Alcohol, Too

On second thought, maybe not drinking is the problem. Screw the “experts”. Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, Frank Sinatra: all famous for their insatiable drinking habits, and even more famous for being cool as hell. Ever seen somebody frown in a beer commercial? No you have not. So float like a boat on the Whiskey River, until your troubles are far behind.

Open a Credit Card to Pay for Several Mental Health App Subscriptions

Happify, Moodfit, MindShift, Talkspace – the options are limitless, as long as you don’t consider your finances a limitation. However, if the $65-per-week-per-app price of admission seems too steep for you at first, simply open a line of credit to cover the costs! You can’t put a price on your mental health, and after all, credit is basically pretend money. Don’t let some cowardly BS called FICO or Experian stand between you and your emotional wellbeing.

Find True Love in VRChat

This is it. All that time spent playing Galdranak: Stepbrother Universe Love Story! is about to pay off. You focus the lenses on your headset, and lock eyes with her from opposing booths at the virtual Waffle House – she, a nine foot tall Sleestak with offensively large breasts, and you, the shambling corpse of Ronald Reagan. This is your destiny. Yes, the violently glitchy limbs and voice modulation are a little off-putting, and she is asking a lot about your banking information, but we both know you can’t afford to pass up this sure shot at romance. What are routing and account numbers, but simply steps on the staircase of love?

Crap Your Pants at Work So You Can Have the Day Off

Everyone deserves a mental health day, and thankfully there’s a surefire way you’re getting out of your shift – curl some timber in those Dickies. There’s no chance they’re making you stay after that, follow-up meetings with management be damned. Afterward, proudly waddle your way out the door, head home, binge your favorite comfort show, and have a nap – after you shower and do some laundry, of course.

Just Sort of Wait Things Out?

If none of the above tips have worked for you, then our best recommendation for you is the one you’re best at – do nothing. Hunker down, dive into one of the many Humble Bundles you’ve purchased (but never even bothered to download), and hope that global warming continues on its current path. Sure, that might seem short-sighted, but when it’s 70°F in March, you can quickly get back to what you’re used to: plain old, regular ass depression, the way God intended.

Oh man I just realized there are only nine entries. Whatever, I don’t care anymore.

Uh Oh: Woman Receives Message From Dumped Ex After Scott Pilgrim Anime Release

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Cathy Herbert

EDMONTON — A woman has received a Facebook message from a man she dumped over ten years ago in what relationship experts are calling a case of “delayed post-pixie dream girl mania,” according to reports.

Sources confirm Justin Beaker was 21 years old in 2010, the year Scott Pilgrim vs. The World had its theatrical release. He reportedly asked Kelsey Sommerbea out shortly after he saw the film because of her reported similarities to Ramona Flowers. Sommerbea dumped Beaker after three weeks, citing “personal issues” that she had to work through on her own.

“Yeah, that was a lie,” said Sommerbea of the decade-old breakup. “It was him, not me. He seemed to think I was some kind of free spirit whose patient authenticity was going to profoundly change him forever. He must have got the wrong idea because I was wearing galaxy leggings when we met. They were still new and hip then, I’m pretty sure it was his first time seeing them.”

Sommerbea was surprised to hear from Beaker after so many years. Having personally witnessed him go through his midlife crisis early, she assumed he would not be going through it again now that he is actually middle aged, sources confirmed.

The short-lived relationship was a romantic whirlwind for Beaker, who took the wrong message away from the film then and is hoping to rekindle the flame now. When he heard about the new animated Scott Pilgrim series – which he has not yet watched – he was flooded with feelings of nostalgia for the gross misinterpretations he made in his youth.

“She came into my life like a supernova,” said Beaker, who would have fallen hard for any woman in a thrifted cardigan or slightly obscure band t-shirt at the time. “So mysterious and free, but with secrets of her own. A beautiful enigma, a living expression of the truths that live in me. I wonder what she’s doing now, if she’s still gliding through life on polished rainbows.”

Sommerbea currently works in accounts payable at the same construction supply warehouse where she served as an intern while she dated Beaker.

“I don’t think he remembers I was in accounting school when we went out,” she said. “I’m not sure he realized it then either. I think he thought that roller derby charity event I participated in one time was my full time job.”

Since the anime’s release, Sommerbea has received similar messages from at least six other exes. Sources close to the situation confirmed she has no plans to open any of them.