Disney Threatens to Begin Re-Remaking Their Live Action Remakes Back Into Animation

Posted on by Raven

Walt Disney Animation Studios warned via press release that unless audience and critic reactions to the studio’s recent films thaw, the company will be forced to produce a spate of animated adaptations of such live-action classics as Beauty and the Beast (2017), The Lion King (2019), and Pinocchio (2022).

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” Disney CEO Bob Iger clarified in a followup interview. “These are not going to just be the original animated versions. It should go without saying that we’re talking about CGi, not hand-drawn, but it goes beyond that. 

“Obviously we’re not going to make another Aladdin and cast someone other than Will Smith as the genie. We would never put the songs back into Mulan. Priority number one is remaining faithful to our 21st century creative sensibilities,” Iger continued. “Let’s see what you smug nerds have to say about The Little Mermaid’s color grading when we make it look exactly like Frozen.”

Indicative of the company’s commitment to preserving the vision of its past decade of live action films, filmmakers associated with several of the remakes reported that they have already been tapped to return for the re-remakes.

“I’m not gonna lie, I’m just redoing mine shot for shot,” said Tim Burton, director of Dumbo (2019). “You think Iger’s gonna notice? Nobody even watched that thing the first time. The biggest challenge comes from the studio demanding I make the elephant even uglier this time. 

It’s like, how? I didn’t hold anything back. Have you seen what Dumbo looks like in the live-action version? N… no? Not even in, like, a poster? No. Yeah. That makes sense. No, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.”

Fan reactions to the announcement were understandably mixed, but noted “Disney adult” TikToker Kate Pauley expressed optimism.

“Look, I don’t like it when people feel the need to dump on Disney all the time, but this could be a perfect opportunity to keep expanding on some of the great lore the live-action versions added to the originals. 

“Maybe the Lion King re-remake will flesh out Shenzi even more,” Pauley speculated, referring to the female hyena who played a comic relief role in the original The Lion King but was presented as a major, intimidating antagonist in 2019’s live-action remake.

“I just hope they don’t play it too safe. A new animated version of movies like Pinocchio or Lady and the Tramp would be a great venue for Disney to introduce a new first gay character.”

Disney confirmed in a subsequent announcement that an animated remake of the upcoming 2025 remake of Moana has entered pre-pre-production.

Noovie Arcade Surpasses 1 Million Uninstalls

Posted on by Julien Perez

LOS ANGELES — Noovie Arcade, the mobile app that turns your mobile phone into a video game controller for gaming experiences on the silver screen, has recently hit a rare milestone. The AR gaming app has been uninstalled by users over a million times, the company said in a press release.

“It baffles me,” says National CineMedia CEO Tom Lesinki while wearing a pair of Google Glass. “Why wouldn’t people want to play arcade style video games in 60 second chunks, a half hour before the movie trailers begin. What else are you going to do during that time?”

David Enriquez, a 17 year old moviegoer downloaded the app out of curiosity but uninstalled the app mere minutes after he first installed it. “I kept seeing those pre-show Noovie announcements and thought it was interesting enough to download. But the app takes about 20 seconds to load so by the time you’re ready to play the game, it’s half over.”

“I think it’s a money laundering scheme,” says Tim Rowland who wrote the r/gaming reddit post titled Does anybody actually play those stupid Noovie Arcade games? Rowland goes to the movies twice a week and never sees anybody playing Noovie Arcade.

“They intentionally made a lame app so they can funnel illegal drug money through a shell company. There’s no way Noovie is a real company. No amount of Maria Menounos promos will ever convince me otherwise.”

“I don’t listen to the haters,” says Lesinksi while making a green juice on his Juicero. He says failure at this scale only motivates the Noovie team further. “We’re already experimenting with new Noovie branded apps that can be experienced before concerts and even sporting events. The future’s looking bright for Noovie.”

The Hard Drive reached out to Maria Menounos for comment but she just told us to go see Wonka in theaters now!

Game Freak Reveals Seaking Was Erased From Pokémon Eight Years Ago and Nobody Noticed

Posted on by Lawrence Scotti

TOKYO — Pokémon fans across the globe are in shock after developer Game Freak revealed the company deleted Seaking from the Pokémon universe nearly a decade ago.

Despite multiple new releases in the main series of Pokémon games during this time, not a single person recorded that the Water-type monster had been erased from the popular franchise. In fact, some influencers who are popular in the Pokémon scene celebrated its removal.

“Oh yeah, Seaking. He’s that little red freak, right? Or maybe he’s orange, I’m not sure. I thought his name was actually ‘Seeking’, like, he looks for shit with his eyes or something. His stats are absolutely terrible,” said popular YouTuber, Pokémon Challenges.

Fellow YouTuber Alpharad added, “I’ve beaten every single Pokémon game roughly a dozen times, and can’t remember a single instance where I used Seaking. I think I had a cousin who used him in a Pokemon Leaf Green playthrough once, but I could be wrong.”

Despite Seaking being an original 151 Pokémon from the Kanto region, there didn’t seem to be much love from the fanbase for the evolution of Goldeen.

President of Game Freak Satoshi Tajiri said, “We were running low on data servers to house all the Pokémon, and Seaking seemed like a good one to get rid of. Our research showed not a single person would miss the ugly little fish.”

He continued, “Our research showed that removing Seaking would make room for newer, cuter fish that fans can grow to know and love. Also, changing the number of original Pokémon to 150 makes it a nice even number.”

Game Freak announced after our interview that the company would be confiscating all copies of Pokémon titles with existing Seaking data so they could delete any trace of the goldfish like pocket monster.

Additionally they plan to delete Seal as well since it’s basically a lazier version of Spheal that’s not as cute.

Occam’s Razor Twice as Powerful When Equipped With Occam’s Buckler and Amulet

Posted on by Max Barth

LONDON – Researchers at King’s College today identified the benefits of equipping multiple newly discovered items from the regalia of William of Occam, the Surrey-born scholar famed for soloing fourteenth century life with nought but his signature blade.

“We’re pleased to announce the discovery of two unique and usable items – a buckler and an amulet – which were discovered in a locked chest behind a fake door in the third level of Occam’s Tomb,” said Dr. Carol Spinx, Professor of Unique Items. “When paired with Occam’s Razor, individuals receive a notable boost to fire resistance and dodge ability as well as a limited number of Revive Friendly Animal spells that can be recharged by ten uninterrupted kills of any one enemy type. The amulet also looks really cool and can be traded to any merchant once you reach max level.”

Gary of Occam, the present-day heir to the Occam estate, bearer of the Razor and part-time Marvel vlogger, was delighted to hear that new levels of his ancestors’ tomb had been accessed.

“There was an old family story about the tomb having treasures in it beyond the Razor itself, but people had searched and searched over the centuries and nothing had ever been found. I’m glad the King’s College team tried lighting those ancient torches in a specific order. I always hoped there was more there, because the Razor by itself is pretty mid despite its rarity. And I’ve always been, like, super weak to fire, so the amulet should help.”

The Ghost Of Occam, reached for comment by dropping exactly nineteen rubies and a fireball scroll into the offering basket located to the right of the Tomb entrance, warned of the new items’ corrupting power.

“The answer you seek ‘tis simp’list, indeed: be warned of mine buckler, mine jewel and thy greed. The Razor will cut thee, and gold shall thee bleed. Also those things weigh a shit ton so you can’t carry any other items. And also, now you’re poisoned. Boo!”

As of press time, King’s College was seeking any information on the whereabouts of Chekov’s Shroud, Lance and Battle Boots.

Ubisoft Announces Next Assassin’s Creed Set in Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Posted on by Traye Holland

MONTREAL, CANADA — Ubisoft has already begun teasing the next installment of the popular Assassin’s Creed franchise, unexpectedly announcing it will be set in modern-day Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

“Assassin’s Creed has taken gamers to historical eras all across the globe– the Italian Renaissance, Victorian London, ancient Egypt, and more,” said a public representative for Ubisoft. “With this new Assassin’s Creed, we decided to do something a little different.

“At first we were gonna do New York, but every other open-world game is set in New York. We thought; ‘Why not do something unexpected?’ So we just threw a dart at a map and went with where it landed.”

This comes as a departure for the Assassin’s Creed series, with previous entries involving a character in the modern-day reliving the genetic memories of their ancestor through a machine called the Animus.

When asked how this would be implemented into the new game, the Ubisoft rep dismissively waved his hand.

“We did away with all that boring time travel stuff,” said the Ubisoft rep. “We were like; ‘Let’s just get to the stabbing!’ So that’s what we did. What we are really focused on is the world. That world being right smack dab in the middle of Tennessee.

“We want gamers to feel like they’re really an elite assassin of the Order of Assassins running around the iconic suburbs of Murfreesboro, climbing over everything and murdering people. They’re gonna love it.”

One of our Hard Drive writers actually reached out to his cousin, who happens to live in Murfreesboro, for comment.

“I mean, I can’t really say I’m that excited about it,” said Olivia Emerson, 22, local resident of Murfreesboro. “I mean, I love the Assassin’s Creed games, but I don’t need to pay $70 to run around Murfreesboro. I can do that on my own.

“Plus, there’s not a lot of tall buildings to climb or jump off of. Where will they put the carts full of hay? Besides, Nashville is like right there. Why don’t they do Nashville?”

When we called the Ubisoft rep and asked why not Nashville, the rep simply told us about the planned $200 Collector’s Edition, which includes in the packaging a miniature Rutherford County Courthouse Statue, before hanging up the phone.

The Hard Drive will keep an eye out for more updates regarding the new game allegedly in development under the working title Assassin’s Creed: ‘Boro.

Zelda Movie to Contain 12 Straight Minutes of Link Waiting for Rain to Go Away

Posted on by Max Schuhmacher

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has announced that the live-action Zelda movie will contain a 12 minute scene of Link waiting for the rain to go away so he can climb again.

“We are very confident that this is the right direction to take the movie in. When making games form follows function. Therefore, as we make this movie, it needs to follow the function of the game exactly,” said game director Shigeru Miyamoto.

“Really, this movie is going to be a blockbuster, just like all of the other movies Avi Arad-san has made. I am aware of some doubts as to his abilities, however with the oversight of Nintendo we can guarantee that the movie will not only be good, but mechanically accurate as well.

After the announcement, fans poured out their overwhelming support towards this bold decision on social media.

“Miyamoto is making the right choices here guys,” states twitter user ZeldaFan1991. “Link waiting out the rain is integral to his character. Hell, it’s more plot relevant than Zelda herself. Those moments where you are sitting inside the stable, listening to the music, longingly looking out at the mountain you want to climb but can’t – it’s poetry.

“We might even see him cook something out of boredom. I personally cannot wait for this rendition of Link to be on the big screen, and see this ennui unfold in real time.”

Movie critics also weighed in with their thoughts, keeping the Super Mario Bros. movie in mind.

“Yeah, I mean it can’t be too different from that other video game movie, the uh – the mario one? Yeah.” recounted movie critic Ricardo Spendlove. “I mean, in the mario one, they all stop to play Mario Kart for like twelve-ish minutes. So this will probably be the same deal.

“Between you and me, I’m just looking forward to being able to go take a dump while it’s all going down. I take my best craps during the boring parts of movies. Like recently with the Five Nights at Freddy’s Movie, that was like an all you can poop buffet”

At press time, Miyamoto has also hinted that Link would spend a large amount of time farming dragon parts and painstakingly looking for the best horse so he’s prepared for the third act finale which he referred to as “surprisingly exciting”

How Does Astarion Get That Hair With No Reflection: The 8 Biggest Plot Holes of Baldur’s Gate 3

Posted on by Testament Crux

Baldur’s Gate 3 has received widespread acclaim for its rich, intricate storytelling, but not even the Mona Lisa is perfect. With innumerable lines of dialogue, little details were bound to be overlooked along the way. Let’s explore the eight biggest plot holes in Larian Studios’ massive CRPG. Minor spoilers ahead!

#1 — How Does Astarion Get That Hair with No Reflection?

For someone so obsessed with being beautiful, you’d think Astarion would even know what he looks like. Our favorite vampire spawn has no reflection, which forces us to ask: seriously, how does he get his hair like that? What products does he use? His perfectly coiffed, wavy mane is a glorious triumph of expert styling and stays immaculate even during the heat of battle.

Perhaps Astarion’s former master, Cazador, was employing someone to doll up his spawn, but if that’s the case, it should’ve fallen apart well into the player’s adventure. Unless someone at the Emerald Grove was selling a month’s supply of coconut oil and pomade, we’ve got a flawlessly tussled plot hole on our hands.

#2 — Why Doesn’t Wyll Enjoy Being Treated like a Dog by a Sexy Demon Lady?

Is he stupid? Wyll may be a bit of a playboy, but even he should be able to tell when he’s got a good thing going. His warlock patron, Mizora, refers to him in canine terms: she talks down to him, rewards him for obedience, punishes him for going astray, and even gets physically rough with him at times.

For the righteous, altruistic Wyll, this is a major point of conflict, which makes absolutely no sense at all. Wyll is living a fantasy that most of us can only dream of, and to top it all off, he even gets magic warlock powers out of the deal. Yet, despite having a perfect-ten sugar mommy granting him everything he could ever ask for, Wyll is constantly at odds with Mizora. Goddamn, if you’re unhappy, Wyll, we’d be glad to take your place. Do devils have Instagram?

#3 — Why Is Gale Shredded?

What is he lifting? Books? Come on. The quintessential nerd wizard has a glistening physique chiseled by the gods, and frankly, we won’t stand for it. With a measly 8 strength, Gale should be skinnyfat with soft, uncalloused skin. Instead, he looks like a rugged mountain man surviving exclusively on flame-broiled venison. Maybe this body is just a long-term side effect of chugging health potions because you have 11 AC.

#4 — Why Does Shadowheart Calls Astarion a “Pasty Ghoul” When She Is Also White?

If you play as Astarion and get caught feeding on Shadowheart, she calls him a “pasty ghoul,” a scathing insult that surely felt worse than a stake to the heart. There’s just one problem: our resident goth girlfriend is barely a shade darker than a literal vampire. You know what they say about glass houses, but Shadowheart clearly doesn’t live in one, or else she’d be getting more sunlight.

#5 — Why Are There Romance Options Aside from Karlach?

Talk about bad writing! Why did Larian waste so much time developing secondary romance options when Karlach was already in the game? Did they seriously not notice she was there, or did they genuinely think she could be outclassed by an alien with a tiny nose? According to Larian, Karlach is only the second most popular romance choice, which means the studio’s incompetence has caused the majority of players to stumble onto inferior lovers, namely: anyone who isn’t a seven-foot flaming beefling.

#6 — How Did Shadowheart Think Those Bangs Were a Good Idea?

Yes, there is more than one hair-related plot hole. While Shadowheart’s hairstyle gets an upgrade in Act 3, she starts the game with the choppy, uneven bangs of a teenage bowl cut. The bangs should reasonably cover her circlet, but luckily, it magically sticks out from underneath like an anime girl’s eyes. We have to assume the Mother Superior chose this cut, but even she ought to know better. Shadowheart looks like she has a My Chemical Romance poster over her bed, but then again, maybe that’s perfectly in character.

#7 — Why Is Everyone British?

Gods save the queen! Someone needs to help us out with this one, because we’re totally lost. Why does almost every character talk British instead of normal? What, Larian didn’t have the budget for real voice actors like Chris Pratt? Even the subtitles spell words incorrectly, featuring such outlandish errors as “colour” and “fantasise.” This particular plot hole is about as lazy as it gets—all we want is a little proofreading, please!

#8 — Why Can’t I Beat Honor Mode?

Honor mode (or “honour,” according to the game) is the newest, most challenging difficulty in Baldur’s Gate 3 and for some reason I’m unable to beat it. There’s no way this is my fault. As a veteran gamer with hundreds of hours in BG3, I should be able to make this mode my bitch. Instead, I keep losing to the harpies on the beach. Hopefully, this gets fixed in a future patch. Until then, mark down another fat, gaping plot hole!

Baldur’s Gate 3 is a triumph of story-focused games, but Larian really needs to address these glaring problems. Of course, this will have to involve deleting every companion besides Karlach.

Jarl Balgruuf’s Chiropractor Warns That He Really Shouldn’t Sit Like That All the Time

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

WHITERUN, SKYRIM – After years of sitting in his throne the way he does, it seems Jarl Balgruuf has done some serious damage to his spine. His personal chiropractor has warned that continuing to sit like this could permanently affect his back.

“I’ve tried to warn the Jarl that sitting like that everyday is quite bad for him, but he always just waves me off and claims it’s nothing to worry about. He should really take his health more seriously,” said his Chiropractor, Dr. Bal-Noos.

“What’s worse is that he seems to have developed a trend and now it seems many other jarls across Skyrim seem to have been copying the way he sits.”

According to the doctor’s report, sitting in such a way could cause the spine to lock into place and keep the Jarl’s back stuck like that all of the time, even when he stands or lies down.

“Bal-Noos is a fool. Sitting like this is comfortable and it’s how I naturally sit down! Besides, I’ve got much more pressing matters to attend to. With the war going on I have to be ready to act at a moment’s notice to protect my city,” said Balgruuf.

“There’s also rumors of dragons returning to Skyrim, if you believe it. If I were to change my posture into a more rigid position people might suggest I was scared of these dragons, and I can’t have that.”

Rumors of Doctor Bal-Noos’s diagnosis have reached the town guards of Whiterun who have expressed a similar blasé attitude towards it.

“I don’t understand why all this matters so much,” said one of the guards in town. “Jarl Balgruuf exudes a sort of laissez faire confidence from the way he sits on his throne. How bad could sitting in a casual yet authoritative way be for one’s back?

“I wish I had the courage to sit like that. Unfortunately ever since my knee injury it makes it really hard for me to bend my leg in that way.”

The doctor’s report concludes by admitting that although it is terrible for the jarl’s back, it does look pretty cool.

Heartbroken Let’s Play YouTuber Finds Out They’re Just Background Noise

Posted on by Alexander Grosh

Let’s Play Youtuber JimboJameplay released a new video on his Youtube channel voicing his disappointment that nobody actually pays any attention to his videos and just leaves them on in the background, viewers confirmed.

“I just don’t understand. I pour my heart and soul into these videos, and my engagement is next to none,” said Jimbo in his announcement. “My newest video, ‘Dark Souls 3 Episode 465: I may not be very good at this game’, only got a few thousand views.

“All of the comments were about how soothing my voice is when I get mad. Nothing about the commentary, nothing about the gameplay; it’s as if they didn’t watch it at all!”

Jimbo may be right; we interviewed a few of his loyal subscribers, and they had not, in fact, watched it at all.

“I love you Jimbo, but I just don’t have the time anymore. The video was just you dying to Crystal Sage for 40 minutes before giving up,” explains subscriber Flight370.

“I had you on while doing homework so I didn’t really pay attention to what you were saying. I just needed SOMEONE in the background to forget how cripplingly alone I am.”

YouTube “Historians” claim this may also be due to the rise of highlight videos in favor of let’s plays.

“Let’s playing, like glassblowing, is a dying art; there is absolutely no reason to do it. None. It’s so much more engaging when all the boring stuff is edited out of the video,” says YouTuber WombatWanker.

“It’s like watching a pre-recorded stream, you can’t talk or interact at all! Maybe if Jimbo was streaming instead it wouldn’t have taken him so long to learn his videos are boring and lame! Nobody wants to sit through that!”

The top comments on JimboJameplay’s newest video are just fans thanking him for giving them something to fall asleep to.

Duke Nukem Seen Crying After Third Beer Again

Posted on by Matt Youngspruce

Hollywood — Every night at the dark corner of the famous Rainbow Bar & Grill sits a shadow of a man crying into his empty pint, local sources report. Duke Nuke ‘em, former legend, can often be heard sobbing over a shockingly small amount of empty beer glasses.

Steve Daniels, the bartender of the famous rock n roll bar, is concerned about Duke’s decaying mental state.

“Everyday he comes in and he is all like ‘I’m gonna kickass and drink beer, but I’m all out of beer!’ Then after like 3 beers he starts bawling and freaking out all the other customers,” Daniels said. “I try to say ‘maybe you should take it easy Duke, go home, get some rest’ but he is kinda this big muscular guy and he had his devastator with him so what the hell can I do.”

Smackhead Jake, a local patron, said Duke can still be a good time when he’s in the right mood, but that is less often nowadays.

“I like it when Duke is in that uplifting manic mood. It cheers me up too. He is like this god-like character who makes everybody better around him,” Jake said with admiration. “But you know that state never lasts very long. Alas, after the third beer he just started crying helplessly how he never got the comeback he deserved and how he can’t say anything anymore. I really feel sad for him. He is the Duke afterall.”

Duke was hard to reach, but answered a ninth phone call to his tiny studio apartment.

“I never cried. That is just bullshit. The king never cries. I was just sweating from the sheer excitement of getting back to killing aliens,” Duke said. “Randy Pitchford sent me a message on Monday and asked me to come to their offices for a meeting. That can mean only one thing right? The Duke is fucking back! Damn I’m looking good!”

At press time Gearbox Software announced today that they are finally retiring the Duke Nukem series. “It’s just not worth it anymore. Times have changed. We have better games to do,” wrote Randy Pitchford in a tweet.